All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory S5E11 - The Speckerman Recurrence

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi. Did Sheldon
change the Wi-Fi password again?

Uh, yeah, it's "Penny already eats
our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi."

No spaces.

Okay. What makes you think you
can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?

I believe that you're capable
of great change.

Like, when I finally got you
to stop saying "Valentime's Day."

- Wanna hear something weird?
- Sure.

In the year 2000...

...Pope John Paul II was named
an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

What are you talking about?

You asked Penny if she wanted
to hear something weird.

Well, yeah, because I have
something weird to tell her.

Oh. I thought it was a game.

- What's yours?
- There's this guy, Jimmy Speckerman.

He used to torment me
in high school.

He sent me a message
through Facebook.

- He's in town and wants to have drinks.
- Okay, Penny.

If it were a game,
here are your choices.

An e-mail from an old acquaintance...

...or the head of one of the largest
religious institutions in the world...

...slam-dunking
to "Sweet Georgia Brown." Pick.

Just do it,
because he's not gonna let it go.

- Basketball Pope.
- And that's how it's done.

What are you gonna do?

- Are you gonna see him?
- I don't know.

Is this the fellow who peed
in your Hawaiian Punch?

No, that was a different guy.

Was he the one who wedgied you
so hard your testicle reascended...

...and you spent your whole Christmas
break waiting for it to come back down?

No, that was a different different guy.

Was he the one who used your head
to open a nut?

- No.
- Oh, oh, oh.

Was he the one
who made you eat your arm hair?

No, but actually,
that was this guy's sister.

- Well, what do you think he wants?
- I don't know.

The holidays
are just around the corner.

Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge
the other testicle up there.

I told you. That was a different guy.

Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New
Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

(LAUGHS)

It's 2 a.m. What are you doing up?

Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony
streaming live from Stockholm.

Sure. Wanna see what all the scientists
are wearing this year.

Look at these men.

They've managed to win
the top science prize in the world...

...with no more understanding
of the quantum underpinnings...

...of the expansion of the early universe
than God gave a goose.

You should pay attention, Leonard.
Someday it's gonna be you up there.

- Thanks.
- So, what's got you up?

Did you have a bad clam?

- I didn't have clams.
- I don't watch you 24 hours a day.

I don't know what you do.

It's this Jimmy Speckerman thing.
I can't decide if I should agree...

...to see him or not. That might be
because the last time I ran into him...

...he made me floss
with my own shoelaces.

Wear loafers.

Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there
clutching that Nobel Prize.

What's the matter, Saul?
Afraid someone's gonna steal it?

Like you stole Einstein's
cosmological constant?

You know what?
I am tired of living in fear of this guy.

I'm gonna go see him...

...and say the things
I should have said in high school.

"Pick on someone your own size."

"No, you did not have sex
with my mother."

And, "Yes, I do know
why I'm hitting myself."

Oh. Now Perlmutter shaking
the king's hand.

Yeah. Check for your watch,
Gustaf, he might've lifted it.

I love this dress.

- How come I never see you wear it?
- Because when I wear it, it's a shirt.

So, what's Howard doing tonight?

Oh, they all went with Leonard
to confront his childhood bully.

Oh. Terrific. High-school quarterback
against four mathletes.

When Leonard gets back,
I'd love to check serotonin levels.

Do you think he'd let me
draw a syringe full of his blood?

Hmm. He's not crazy about needles.

But if you get him to go jogging,
it'll just pour out of his nose.

I don't think I can meet the girl
who was always mean to me.

Tammy Bodnick.
One time while I was in gym class...

...she stole all my clothes
and left an elf costume in my locker.

- Oh, that's awful.
- Worst part was it was too big.

That's nothing. In ninth grade,
the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion.

Within six months,
the nicknames began to fly.

I think the one that hurt the most
was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.

Oh. Wow, you poor thing.

What about you?

Oh, I don't know. My school
was a nice place. We didn't have bullies.

Come on, no one ever gave anyone
mean nicknames, or picked on them...

...or put gum in their hairy knuckles
so the nurse had get it out?

No, we weren't really like that.

We played pranks on each other,
but it was never mean.

This girl, Kathy Geiger, got good grades
so we blindfolded her...

...tied her up
and left her in a cornfield overnight.

- God. That's awful.
- No, it was funny. Everyone laughed.

Did Kathy Geiger laugh?

Uh, probably. It's hard to say. She kind
of had an ear of corn in her mouth.

Who would've thought?

Fuzzy Fingers Fowler
is best friends with a bully.

- What...? I was not a bully.
- Kind of sounds like you were.

And maybe a felon.

Shh. That's how you
wind up in a cornfield.

Is that him over there?

No.

How about that guy?
He looks like he'd hate you.

- I can really do this by myself.
- We're here to support you.

No, you're not. You're here to see if I
get my underwear pulled over my head.

You wore underwear?
Ha, ha. You fool.

- You figured out what you're gonna say?
- You bet.

I am going to make him apologize for
all the crap he pulled on me in school.

That's quite a list.
I can't read your handwriting.

What's that word?

Scrotum.

What's that one?

Uh, stapled.

Leonard?

(LAUGHING)

- Oh, hi.
- Holy crap, man, it's good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon, and Raj,
and Howard.

- Hi.
- Fellows. Can I get a beer?

Wow, look at you.
Little Leonard Hofstadter.

I hear you're a big-time scientist now.

And there's the first zinger. Ouch.

- I'm doing okay, I guess.
JIMMY: Okay?

Come on, I read online you're a physicist
at a university. You won some medal.

- The Newcomb medal.
- Yeah. Congratulations.

Congratulations?
For the Newcomb med...?

Oh, please.
That's the scientific equivalent...

...of a smiley-face sticker
on your homework.

- It sounded like a big deal.
- Oh, good Lord.

Are we gonna stand here and listen
to him tear Leonard apart like this?

- Hey, I won a Newcomb medal too.
- My point.

You should've seen this guy
back in the day. Huh?

He was so little,
he could fit anywhere.

Lockers, trash cans.

Oh, man,
how did you get inside that backpack?

Oh, I can't take all the credit.
You helped a lot.

- We were practically a comedy team.
- Like the Black Death in Europe.

Jimmy, I'm kind of curious
why you wanted to see me.

Okay, here it is.
I have this great money-making idea.

I need a gear-head
to get it to the finish line.

Mm, technically, Howard's the gear-head.
Leonard's just a dime-store laser jockey.

What's the idea?

- This is just between us, right?
- Right.

Okay. What do you think about a pair of
glasses that makes any movie into 3D?

That sounds amazing.
First movie I'm watching, Annie.

How exactly
would these glasses work?

How the hell should I know?
That's why I need a nerd.

I don't think something
like that's even possible.

Aw, come on. You could figure it out.
You're, like, the smartest guy.

The smartest...? All right.

I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm,
but, uh, even I know that was a doozy.

You can't live
in fear of this man forever.

- Sheldon, I got this.
- You clearly don't.

What my spineless friend
lacks the courage to say...

...is you're a terrible person
who took advantage of his tiny size...

...his uncoordinated nature,
and his congenital lack of masculinity.

- Sheldon.
- Leonard, I platonically love you, man.

But face it, you're a mess.

I don't understand.

I think what he's trying to say
is that maybe...

...in high school,
you picked on me a little bit.

A little bit? The man super-glued
Hershey's kisses to your nipples.

That's funny because those aren't the
kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

- What is that?
- This is a list...

...of your heinous acts
against Leonard...

...one of which is certainly the cause of
him wetting his bed well into his teens.

Fourteen is not...
Uh, yeah, never mind.

What's this word?

Nancy.

You called me Nancy
for three years.

You really need to work
on your penmanship.

Man, I...

I don't know what to say.

I thought
we were just having some fun.

Well, it wasn't fun for me.

You're being too kind, Leonard.
You ruined him.

Come on, guys.

- That was pretty bad-ass, dude.
- I help the weak.

It's yet another way
I'm exactly like Batman.

And for the record,
Jimmy wasn't the reason I wet the bed.

That one has my mother
written all over it.

Anyway, I'm really sorry I made fun
of your stutter in high school.

You're doing great.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
Oh, God, just finish the sentence.

Ah. Okay, well,
I'm sorry you feel that way.

Bye.

- No one wants to hear my apologies.
- Your mistake is doing it over the phone.

I mean, if they could look into your eyes,
they'd melt.

It doesn't matter what you did
in the past. You're a good person.

Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
You weren't just called a "b-b-bitch."

Perhaps you could assuage your guilt
through altruism.

Which word's tripping you up?

Assuage or altruism?

Both.

You'll feel better
by doing something nice for someone.

- Oh, I actually knew that.
- I never doubted you.

Every other week,
I serve at a soup kitchen downtown.

Ooh. I can't do that.

If I stand over a steaming pot,
my hair just goes: "Boing!"

- Ah. What else can I do?
- There's Habitat for Humanity.

Building houses for the poor.

I don't have my own house,
I'm gonna build one for someone else?

How about donating
some of your clothes?

Oh, my God, that's perfect, because
I have so many clothes I don't wear.

They're taking up space
I go shopping to buy more.

I have no place to put it.
This would fix that.

- What about helping people?
- And helping people.

- Here's your cocoa.
- Oh.

- Half and half instead of whole milk?
- Yes.

- Heated to precisely 183 degrees?
- Yes.

Seven little marshmallows,
no more, no less?

You got one for good luck.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'll get it.

One for good luck.

Must be the kind of math
they do at Princeton.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

I wanna apologize
for stapling your balls...

...throwing you naked
into the girls' locker room...

...stuffing that parrot
down your pants.

What's this word?

- Laxative.
- Oh.

Right. Junior prom. Ha, ha.

That was not cool, man.

I am so, so sorry.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I just hope you can forgive me.

Uh... Yeah. Sure, I guess.

- You're a beautiful guy.
- Oh, well, yeah. Thanks, Jimmy.

Okay, I gotta go.

- Are you okay to drive?
- Yeah, yeah.

I drive better drunk, you know?

It makes you pay attention.

No. Come on in.
I'll make you a cup of coffee.

- I wouldn't be imposing?
- No.

Yes.

- Sheldon, we can't let him drive.
- Then take away his keys...

...and make him wander the streets
with the other drunks.

You remember Sheldon, and Raj,
and Howard.

Not really, no.

It's funny, huh? Back in school,
I was the winner, and you were the loser.

And now we're reversed.

You're the winner.

You'd think a winner
could make a decent cup of cocoa.

- Mind if I use your bathroom?
- Yeah. It's just back there.

How about that?
After all these years...

...your big, bad high-school bully
finally apologizes.

Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith
in the basic goodness in people.

- You know what would be nice?
- What's that?

As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies
who've tormented us for years...

...we open our home to Jimmy,
and once he's asleep, we kill him.

I said it would be nice.
I didn't say we should do it.

Oh. I feel just like Mother Teresa.

Except for the virgin part.
That ship sailed a long time ago.

I think Mother Teresa
would've washed the clothes first.

Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room
wasn't down five flights of stairs.

You know, giving really
is better than receiving.

Oh. I used to think it was such a cliché,
but it seems to be the...

Ah! Look at these cute jeans
someone just threw away.

Donated.

Yes, to a poor waitress
who loves a boot-cut.

- Penny.
- Come on. They would be so cute on me.

Ah! They'd go great with this sweater.

I don't think Mother Teresa would...
Oh, that is adorable.

- Leonard?
- Yeah?

In case it comes up again,
this right here is an imposition.

What was I supposed to do?
He needed a place to sleep.

You're soft. This world's
gonna chew you up and spit you out.

(BURPS)

When did I have tacos?

Morning, Jimmy.

Oh, there it is. Tacos.

- Man, I tied one on.
- Yeah, you did.

So, uh, listen,
it was great to see you again.

And thanks for the apology.

What apology?

For all the crappy stuff you did to me
in high school.

Oh, jeez, you're still harping on that?
What a puss.

- That's my French toast.
- It's good.

You really know your way
around a kitchen, Nancy.

I'm not going to say I told you so,
but we could've killed him.

I might kill him right now.

The Dark Knight has your back.

He's scared, but he has your back.

Hey, Jimmy, it's time for you to go.

- Yeah, let me just finish this.
- No. You're done.

- I want you out of my apartment now.
- Well said, Boy Wonder.

Or what?

Don't answer. That's a trick question.
I speak from experience.

I'm not afraid of you anymore, Jimmy.

Now, get out.

Uh-oh.

You did it.
You stood up to your bully.

Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself.

Do you think we can outrun him?

I don't need to outrun him.
I just need to outrun you.

I don't feel good about this.

Well, then, sit in the car
and keep it running.

You were right. A whole new load.

Come on, yoga top.
Momma needs a new yoga top.

Check it out, Bernadette.
Suede boots. Your size.

God, they're cute.
Oh, why did they have to be cute?

Wait, wait, wait, guys. Just hang on.

What is it? The fuzz?

Oh, look at us. What are we doing?

I was following you
to a life of crime...

...looking forward
to the day we might be cell mates.

I don't know about Bernadette.

No, this is wrong.

Let's put everything back. Come on.

Here.

(PENNY SIGHS)

It's okay, I serve soup to poor people.