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1
00:00:03,706 --> 00:00:06,869
No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out
my problem with women.
2
00:00:07,110 --> 00:00:10,637
The capybara is the largest member
of the rodent family.
3
00:00:10,847 --> 00:00:13,008
What does that have to do
with me and women?
4
00:00:13,216 --> 00:00:15,047
Nothing, it was a desperate attempt...
5
00:00:15,218 --> 00:00:18,210
...to introduce
an alternate topic of conversation.
6
00:00:18,388 --> 00:00:20,618
My problem
is I don't project confidence.
7
00:00:20,790 --> 00:00:24,282
So I decided that the next time I meet
a woman I think is attractive...
8
00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:26,792
...rather than holding back
and being cautious...
9
00:00:26,963 --> 00:00:28,897
...I'll assume
the mantle of self-assurance.
10
00:00:29,198 --> 00:00:31,530
Oh, yeah? What does that look like?
11
00:00:34,837 --> 00:00:36,327
Hi.
12
00:00:36,873 --> 00:00:38,670
I'm Leonard.
13
00:00:39,509 --> 00:00:40,999
And you are beautiful.
14
00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:44,704
You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.
15
00:00:44,881 --> 00:00:50,649
I'm gonna pick you up at 8,
show you a night you will never forget.
16
00:00:51,254 --> 00:00:53,484
Where are we going?
17
00:00:57,260 --> 00:01:01,026
Good news, I made it onto the team
for the new Defense Department...
18
00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:04,496
...laser-equipped surveillance satellite.
- Excuse me.
19
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:08,000
If we're changing topics, I believe
I have first dibs with capybara...
20
00:01:08,171 --> 00:01:11,038
...a rodent the size of a baby hippo.
21
00:01:12,075 --> 00:01:14,566
- Congratulations, Howard.
HOWARD: Thanks.
22
00:01:14,777 --> 00:01:16,938
Listen,
I have to get a security clearance...
23
00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:19,671
...so you guys might be hearing
from the FBI.
24
00:01:19,849 --> 00:01:22,443
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to speak to the FBI.
25
00:01:23,252 --> 00:01:26,517
- Why not?
- I'm brown and I talk funny.
26
00:01:26,723 --> 00:01:28,953
They're just doing
a background check on me.
27
00:01:29,192 --> 00:01:33,458
It doesn't matter, they'll find a reason to
give me a one-way ticket to Gandhiville.
28
00:01:33,663 --> 00:01:36,029
By the way, when I say that,
it's not offensive.
29
00:01:36,799 --> 00:01:38,027
Don't be ridiculous, Raj.
30
00:01:38,201 --> 00:01:40,032
- You're here legally.
- Nobody cares.
31
00:01:40,203 --> 00:01:42,831
You know how long it's been
since I got through airport security...
32
00:01:43,005 --> 00:01:45,132
...without being given a colonoscopy?
33
00:01:45,308 --> 00:01:49,540
You know, I try very hard to make our
lunch hours educational and informative.
34
00:01:49,712 --> 00:01:54,411
But your insistence on talking about
your own lives stymies me at every turn.
35
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,214
Fine, Sheldon,
tell us about your giant rodents.
36
00:01:57,387 --> 00:02:01,380
No. You squandered your time with me
and the moment has now passed.
37
00:02:01,557 --> 00:02:03,047
Feast on your disappointment...
38
00:02:03,226 --> 00:02:06,627
...much as the capybara
feasts on its own waste.
39
00:02:37,393 --> 00:02:39,691
Oh, Bella, don't you see?
40
00:02:39,862 --> 00:02:43,263
Edward's only pushing you away
because he loves you.
41
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:44,824
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
42
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:46,091
Coming.
43
00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:47,293
(CLEARS THROAT)
44
00:02:51,073 --> 00:02:52,131
Dr. Koothrappali?
45
00:02:54,644 --> 00:02:58,011
I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
May I come in?
46
00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:03,783
I'd like to talk to you
about Howard Wolowitz.
47
00:03:03,953 --> 00:03:05,921
Ah, thank you.
48
00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:09,216
All right. Well, how long have you known
Mr. Wolowitz?
49
00:03:31,314 --> 00:03:34,181
- Rum cake?
- No, thanks.
50
00:03:34,383 --> 00:03:36,317
Now, about Mr. Wolowitz.
51
00:03:36,486 --> 00:03:37,748
Seven years.
52
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,410
I see.
53
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,616
I'm in this country legally, you know.
54
00:03:44,794 --> 00:03:46,159
I'm sure you are.
55
00:03:46,329 --> 00:03:47,557
Now, to your knowledge...
56
00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:49,823
...has Mr. Wolowitz
ever committed a crime?
57
00:03:50,066 --> 00:03:51,090
Of course not.
58
00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:52,598
I'm here on an H1 B visa...
59
00:03:52,768 --> 00:03:56,169
...which means I can't be associated
with crime or criminal activity...
60
00:03:56,339 --> 00:03:57,567
...and I'm not.
61
00:03:57,740 --> 00:03:58,798
Good.
62
00:03:58,975 --> 00:04:01,967
To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz
have any foreign contacts?
63
00:04:02,144 --> 00:04:04,078
No, just me.
64
00:04:04,347 --> 00:04:05,837
Oh, there it is.
65
00:04:06,015 --> 00:04:07,846
Here comes the cavity search.
66
00:04:08,718 --> 00:04:10,652
- Excuse me?
- Please don't send me back to India.
67
00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:14,312
It's so crowded. It's like the whole
country is one endless Comic-Con...
68
00:04:14,490 --> 00:04:19,223
...except everybody's wearing
the same costume: Indian Guy.
69
00:04:19,428 --> 00:04:21,362
- Dr. Koothrappali...
- I love this country.
70
00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:25,533
The baseball, the freedom,
the rampant morbid obesity.
71
00:04:25,735 --> 00:04:29,466
From California to the New York island,
I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy.
72
00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:30,970
Dr. Koothrappali, please.
73
00:04:31,173 --> 00:04:33,471
(SINGING)
My country 'tis of thee
74
00:04:33,643 --> 00:04:36,510
Da-da-da liberty
75
00:04:36,746 --> 00:04:39,476
It's really great
76
00:04:41,017 --> 00:04:43,508
So when Howard said
the FBI would be contacting me...
77
00:04:43,686 --> 00:04:45,381
...I was expecting Mulder.
78
00:04:46,322 --> 00:04:48,756
Glad to see I got Scully, ha, ha.
79
00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:51,256
- Who?
- Mulder and Scully.
80
00:04:52,194 --> 00:04:53,821
X-Files.
81
00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:56,423
"The truth is out there." Never mind.
82
00:04:56,599 --> 00:04:59,500
Uh, so, what would you like to know?
83
00:05:00,336 --> 00:05:03,169
You work with Mr. Wolowitz
here at the university, correct?
84
00:05:03,339 --> 00:05:05,569
Yes. Of course,
we're in different departments.
85
00:05:05,775 --> 00:05:08,539
He's an engineer
and I'm an experimental physicist.
86
00:05:08,711 --> 00:05:10,736
You know, one of those guys
who examines...
87
00:05:10,913 --> 00:05:13,006
...the building blocks of creation
and says:
88
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,412
"Hello, maker of the universe.
89
00:05:16,385 --> 00:05:18,182
I see what you did there.
90
00:05:18,354 --> 00:05:19,981
Good one."
91
00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:21,417
Right.
92
00:05:21,591 --> 00:05:24,924
Now, how would you characterize
your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?
93
00:05:25,795 --> 00:05:27,092
Good.
94
00:05:27,597 --> 00:05:29,724
It's a good relationship.
95
00:05:29,899 --> 00:05:32,925
Of course, most of my relationships
are good, you know.
96
00:05:33,169 --> 00:05:36,263
Probably because I exude confidence.
97
00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:38,304
People are drawn to that, you know?
98
00:05:38,541 --> 00:05:39,565
Mm.
99
00:05:40,376 --> 00:05:41,934
Confidence, not exuding.
100
00:05:44,313 --> 00:05:46,941
Do you know of any groups
Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?
101
00:05:47,116 --> 00:05:49,607
You are beautiful, you know that?
102
00:05:50,252 --> 00:05:54,313
You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.
103
00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:58,620
I'm gonna pick you up at 8.
104
00:05:58,828 --> 00:06:02,025
Show you a night
you will never forget.
105
00:06:02,765 --> 00:06:03,959
Sounds great.
106
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,224
Really?
107
00:06:06,936 --> 00:06:08,028
Yeah.
108
00:06:08,204 --> 00:06:11,731
Can my 6'2" Navy SEAL husband
come with us?
109
00:06:13,209 --> 00:06:17,839
Is that...? Oh, my, I didn't see the ring
with my glasses off so...
110
00:06:18,047 --> 00:06:19,480
Look at that, I'm starting to exude.
111
00:06:19,649 --> 00:06:21,276
(CHUCKLES)
112
00:06:22,785 --> 00:06:23,809
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
113
00:06:23,986 --> 00:06:27,387
LEONARD: Wanna get that?
- Not particularly.
114
00:06:28,724 --> 00:06:31,784
- Could you get that?
- I suppose I could if I were asked.
115
00:06:31,961 --> 00:06:32,985
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
116
00:06:33,162 --> 00:06:36,962
- Would you please get that?
- Well, of course.
117
00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:41,597
Why do you have to make things
so complicated?
118
00:06:43,072 --> 00:06:44,767
- Dr. Cooper?
- Yes.
119
00:06:44,974 --> 00:06:47,875
I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
120
00:06:50,646 --> 00:06:54,377
You say you're Special Agent Page,
FBI.
121
00:06:54,583 --> 00:06:56,244
Here's my ID.
122
00:06:56,419 --> 00:07:01,152
And here is my Justice League
membership card.
123
00:07:03,325 --> 00:07:05,452
But that doesn't prove
I know Batman.
124
00:07:06,796 --> 00:07:10,197
I just wanna ask you a few questions
about Howard Wolowitz.
125
00:07:10,833 --> 00:07:13,427
Oh. Well, all right.
126
00:07:13,969 --> 00:07:16,267
I doubt anyone would risk
the stiff penalties...
127
00:07:16,439 --> 00:07:18,930
...for impersonating a federal officer
just to ask questions...
128
00:07:19,108 --> 00:07:23,044
...about a minor league engineer
with an unresolved Oedipal complex.
129
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,046
- Thank you.
- For the record, I truly support the FBI...
130
00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:31,209
...in the mission
which is expressed through their motto.
131
00:07:31,454 --> 00:07:33,922
Fidelity, bravery, integrity?
132
00:07:34,123 --> 00:07:36,023
Correct. Now to business.
133
00:07:36,659 --> 00:07:40,823
Eighteen years ago,
I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples...
134
00:07:40,996 --> 00:07:44,693
...from a bag of excrement that had
been lit on fire on my front porch...
135
00:07:46,802 --> 00:07:50,238
...for fingerprinting and DNA analysis.
136
00:07:50,439 --> 00:07:52,339
Why haven't I heard back yet?
137
00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:56,801
Well, the FBI Crime Lab
does have a lot on its plate.
138
00:07:57,012 --> 00:08:00,539
That's of little comfort to a nation
attempting to scrape burning feces...
139
00:08:00,716 --> 00:08:02,081
...off its shoes.
140
00:08:02,818 --> 00:08:05,252
Would you mind
if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?
141
00:08:05,888 --> 00:08:08,049
A little, but go on.
142
00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:09,555
Thank you.
143
00:08:09,725 --> 00:08:11,955
Would you characterize him
as responsible?
144
00:08:13,529 --> 00:08:15,724
I'm going to answer that
with a visual aid.
145
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:22,262
This is my nine-disc complete
Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set.
146
00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:24,268
Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it...
147
00:08:24,473 --> 00:08:28,739
...damaged plastic retention
hub number three...
148
00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:35,211
...and then returned it to me
hoping I wouldn't notice.
149
00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:38,979
Would you characterize that
as responsible?
150
00:08:39,188 --> 00:08:41,884
That's really not the sort of thing
we're interested in.
151
00:08:42,792 --> 00:08:46,728
- You heard me say Blu-ray, right?
- I did.
152
00:08:47,563 --> 00:08:50,293
Very well,
would you be interested in knowing...
153
00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:54,265
...that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck
onto my "World of Warcraft" account...
154
00:08:54,436 --> 00:08:57,234
...and changed the name
of a certain level-80 warlock...
155
00:08:57,406 --> 00:09:00,375
...from "Sheldor" to "Smeldor"?
156
00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:04,140
I'm afraid not. Is there anything else?
157
00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:06,541
Anything else?
Where would you like to start?
158
00:09:06,715 --> 00:09:09,775
He refuses to pay fines when
he's overdue with books I lend him...
159
00:09:09,952 --> 00:09:13,046
...he crashed the Mars Rover
while attempting to impress a woman.
160
00:09:13,255 --> 00:09:15,951
He recommended that I go see
the third Matrix movie...
161
00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:19,959
...because it was, and I quote,
"Just as good as the first one."
162
00:09:20,796 --> 00:09:24,061
If that's not irresponsible,
I don't know what is.
163
00:09:24,266 --> 00:09:25,824
The Mars Rover?
164
00:09:32,107 --> 00:09:34,541
- Did I say Mars Rover?
- You did.
165
00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:37,169
That was actually
a poorly-chosen example...
166
00:09:37,346 --> 00:09:39,610
...as it had nothing to do with me.
167
00:09:39,815 --> 00:09:43,615
- Yes, well, let's talk about it anyway.
- I don't want to.
168
00:09:44,787 --> 00:09:47,278
Not that my disinclination
to discuss the topic...
169
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:50,323
...should be interpreted as evidence
of Howard Wolowitz's culpability...
170
00:09:50,492 --> 00:09:53,620
...in the destruction of government
property worth millions of dollars.
171
00:09:53,829 --> 00:09:56,491
Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
I think I have all I need.
172
00:09:56,699 --> 00:09:58,792
Oh, good.
173
00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:02,870
I was afraid you were going to fixate
on that Mars Rover incident.
174
00:10:08,210 --> 00:10:09,643
Hey, buddies.
175
00:10:09,812 --> 00:10:13,304
Guess who didn't get security clearance
to work on the giant space laser?
176
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:16,212
- What happened?
- The background interviews didn't go well.
177
00:10:16,452 --> 00:10:19,080
You guys wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?
178
00:10:21,223 --> 00:10:24,715
Well, actually, I may have gotten
a little tipsy when I talked to her.
179
00:10:26,195 --> 00:10:27,890
And I may have hit on her a little bit.
180
00:10:28,063 --> 00:10:29,155
(HOWARD SCOFFS)
181
00:10:29,331 --> 00:10:31,959
And I may have thrown up rum cake
on her shoes.
182
00:10:33,469 --> 00:10:36,666
I see. Well, it's good to know
when I need you guys...
183
00:10:36,872 --> 00:10:40,535
...I can always count on you
to step up and ruin everything.
184
00:10:42,678 --> 00:10:44,669
- I feel awful.
- Me too.
185
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,043
I thought if anyone was gonna
screw things up for Howard...
186
00:10:48,217 --> 00:10:49,844
...it'd be Sheldon.
187
00:10:50,386 --> 00:10:54,015
Well, your expectations
have been subverted.
188
00:10:54,256 --> 00:10:55,348
Ha, ha.
189
00:11:03,232 --> 00:11:04,859
What are you doing up?
190
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,001
Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
191
00:11:07,202 --> 00:11:08,328
Really?
192
00:11:08,504 --> 00:11:10,904
Maybe sleep has met you before.
193
00:11:11,507 --> 00:11:14,169
Mockery? That's all you have to offer?
194
00:11:14,376 --> 00:11:16,776
- I'm sorry. Why can't you sleep?
- Who knows?
195
00:11:16,946 --> 00:11:19,574
I haven't watched
any scary movies recently.
196
00:11:19,748 --> 00:11:22,342
I'm no longer obsessing
over why the predicted mass...
197
00:11:22,518 --> 00:11:26,249
...of the quantum vacuum has little
effect on the expansion of the universe.
198
00:11:26,422 --> 00:11:29,858
And it's been weeks since I took
that accidental sip of Red Bull.
199
00:11:30,693 --> 00:11:33,127
Did something happen today
that's bothering you?
200
00:11:33,362 --> 00:11:37,298
Well, I did mention the Mars Rover
incident to that FBI agent...
201
00:11:37,466 --> 00:11:40,026
...and probably cost Howard
his security clearance.
202
00:11:40,235 --> 00:11:43,068
- What?
- Yeah, but why should that keep me up?
203
00:11:43,706 --> 00:11:45,196
Because you feel guilty?
204
00:11:45,975 --> 00:11:47,465
Interesting.
205
00:11:47,643 --> 00:11:51,704
So you're saying my insomnia
is caused by a guilty conscience.
206
00:11:51,914 --> 00:11:54,781
Actually, you don't have insomnia.
You're sleeping now.
207
00:11:54,984 --> 00:11:58,044
- Excuse me?
- You're having a guilt-ridden dream.
208
00:11:58,253 --> 00:12:00,744
Do you have any evidence
to support that hypothesis?
209
00:12:00,956 --> 00:12:03,254
How about that Gorn
sitting on the couch?
210
00:12:07,262 --> 00:12:09,924
That seems fairly conclusive.
211
00:12:10,132 --> 00:12:12,965
No, Gorn, no.
212
00:12:13,669 --> 00:12:16,069
That's where I sit.
213
00:12:17,973 --> 00:12:20,737
Thank you for agreeing to see me,
Agent Page.
214
00:12:20,943 --> 00:12:24,640
Thank you for filing a complaint
with my superior, Dr. Cooper.
215
00:12:25,914 --> 00:12:29,247
I understand you wanna recant
your statement about Howard Wolowitz.
216
00:12:29,451 --> 00:12:32,249
- Yes.
- Was your statement untrue?
217
00:12:32,421 --> 00:12:33,513
No.
218
00:12:34,590 --> 00:12:36,751
Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it.
219
00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:40,918
I'm sorry,
I don't recall you saying no backsies.
220
00:12:42,398 --> 00:12:43,763
Is there anything else?
221
00:12:43,966 --> 00:12:46,526
Yes, I'd like to offer
a laudatory statement...
222
00:12:46,702 --> 00:12:50,331
...about Howard's many excellent
qualities I believe will tip the scales...
223
00:12:50,506 --> 00:12:53,339
...back in his favor. Ahem.
"Howard Joel Wolowitz.
224
00:12:53,509 --> 00:12:56,945
H is for honesty,
of which he has much.
225
00:12:57,112 --> 00:12:59,603
O is for outstanding, which he is such.
226
00:12:59,782 --> 00:13:02,307
W is for witty, he's quick with a joke.
227
00:13:02,484 --> 00:13:04,452
A is for artistic, his ability..."
228
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:07,451
I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper,
this matter is already closed.
229
00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:10,523
But I still have "ard Joel Wolowitz"
left to go.
230
00:13:11,026 --> 00:13:12,653
It's closed.
231
00:13:14,463 --> 00:13:17,125
I don't understand why you people
are picking on my friend Howard...
232
00:13:17,332 --> 00:13:19,823
...when there are much more serious
security threats to pursue.
233
00:13:20,002 --> 00:13:21,970
For instance,
when I first met Leonard...
234
00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:25,868
...he was on the verge of giving away
rocket secrets to a North Korean spy...
235
00:13:26,041 --> 00:13:28,737
...and not one agent
ever investigated that.
236
00:13:29,178 --> 00:13:31,669
This is Leonard Hofstadter?
237
00:13:32,514 --> 00:13:35,972
No, it's a different Leonard.
He's Chinese, red hair, six fingers.
238
00:13:36,151 --> 00:13:37,175
Goodbye.
239
00:13:41,023 --> 00:13:43,583
Raj, have you seen Howard?
240
00:13:43,826 --> 00:13:45,691
I think he's eating lunch.
241
00:13:45,894 --> 00:13:48,362
Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet
Neil DeGrasse Tyson...
242
00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:50,293
...from the Hayden Planetarium
in New York.
243
00:13:50,466 --> 00:13:52,900
I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson.
244
00:13:53,068 --> 00:13:56,663
He's responsible for the demotion
of Pluto from planetary status.
245
00:13:56,839 --> 00:13:58,170
I liked Pluto...
246
00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:03,536
...ergo, I do not like you.
- But I actually didn't demote Pluto.
247
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:06,374
That was a vote of
the International Astronomical Union.
248
00:14:06,548 --> 00:14:11,212
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts,
we'd all have a merry Christmas.
249
00:14:12,054 --> 00:14:13,385
Think about that, Dr. Tyson.
250
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,555
That the guy you
were telling me about?
251
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,057
Oh, yeah.
252
00:14:21,263 --> 00:14:26,394
Howard, the person at fault for you
not getting a security clearance is me.
253
00:14:27,202 --> 00:14:29,932
- You?
- Yes, but before you get upset...
254
00:14:30,105 --> 00:14:33,233
...I want you to know I went to the FBI
and retracted my statement.
255
00:14:33,775 --> 00:14:35,800
And they were okay with that?
256
00:14:36,011 --> 00:14:37,808
No. If anything, I made it worse.
257
00:14:38,814 --> 00:14:41,806
In any case,
I have been riddled with guilt...
258
00:14:42,017 --> 00:14:44,281
...which is causing
Gorn-infested REM sleep.
259
00:14:44,453 --> 00:14:50,119
- So I'm here now to say I'm sorry.
- Are you kidding me?
260
00:14:50,292 --> 00:14:52,590
You've set my career back
at least two years...
261
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:55,628
...and you think you can make it right
with "I'm sorry"?
262
00:14:55,797 --> 00:14:57,389
Yes.
263
00:14:57,599 --> 00:14:59,089
I followed the social protocol.
264
00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:01,736
I attempted to right the wrong
and when I failed...
265
00:15:01,904 --> 00:15:05,806
...I delivered a heartfelt apology.
Now, you say "apology accepted"...
266
00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:09,273
...and I will offer you
a one-time-only high five.
267
00:15:10,846 --> 00:15:12,746
Your apology is not accepted.
268
00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:15,849
You're tricking me. It really is, isn't it?
269
00:15:16,051 --> 00:15:18,451
Leave me alone, Sheldon.
270
00:15:20,556 --> 00:15:22,421
Dr. Cooper,
I just wanted you to know...
271
00:15:22,591 --> 00:15:25,856
...I�m sorry for the role I played
in the Pluto matter.
272
00:15:26,061 --> 00:15:27,756
Oh, shut up.
273
00:15:32,334 --> 00:15:33,995
- Sheldon?
- Hello.
274
00:15:34,169 --> 00:15:35,193
(PENNY CHUCKLES)
275
00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:36,962
What are you doing here?
276
00:15:37,139 --> 00:15:38,163
I have troubles, Penny.
277
00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:39,364
(SIGHS)
278
00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:42,840
I've come to pour them out to
the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.
279
00:15:43,612 --> 00:15:46,843
You know, they have a really nice bar
over at the Olive Garden.
280
00:15:47,382 --> 00:15:51,284
I don't like the Olive Garden.
They treat me like family.
281
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:56,518
- Okay, Sheldon, what can I get you?
- Alcohol.
282
00:15:57,359 --> 00:16:01,125
- Could you be a little more specific?
- Ethyl alcohol.
283
00:16:01,296 --> 00:16:02,627
Forty milliliters.
284
00:16:03,098 --> 00:16:05,123
I'm sorry, honey,
I don't know milliliters.
285
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:08,360
Ah. Blame President James Jimmy Carter.
286
00:16:08,537 --> 00:16:11,995
He started America on a path
to the metric system but then just gave up.
287
00:16:12,174 --> 00:16:13,198
(SCOFFS)
288
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,673
He wonders
why he was a one-term president.
289
00:16:16,511 --> 00:16:19,105
- Would you say that's 40 milliliters?
- More or less.
290
00:16:19,314 --> 00:16:20,338
Great.
291
00:16:22,551 --> 00:16:23,609
Now where were we?
292
00:16:23,819 --> 00:16:26,583
I believe you were about to ask me
to choose a cocktail.
293
00:16:26,755 --> 00:16:29,986
Fortunately,
thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics...
294
00:16:30,158 --> 00:16:32,251
...there's an app for that.
295
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:36,228
Let's see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh.
296
00:16:36,398 --> 00:16:38,332
Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so.
297
00:16:39,668 --> 00:16:43,160
Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter.
298
00:16:43,338 --> 00:16:44,396
Ooh.
299
00:16:44,573 --> 00:16:48,031
- I'll have a Rosewater Rickey.
- A what?
300
00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:50,768
"You'll need pitted,
brandied cherries, gin...
301
00:16:51,013 --> 00:16:54,039
...rosewater, Angostura bitters
and over-proofed rum.
302
00:16:54,216 --> 00:16:56,548
Now first,
dust the cherries with sugar...
303
00:16:56,718 --> 00:16:59,414
...then spray them
with a mixture of rum and bitters.
304
00:16:59,588 --> 00:17:03,456
- Then ignite the rum..."
- Here you go, one Rosewater Rickey.
305
00:17:03,692 --> 00:17:06,058
That's not how it looks in the picture.
306
00:17:06,228 --> 00:17:08,526
Oh, yeah,
every bartender makes it differently.
307
00:17:08,697 --> 00:17:12,189
- Why don't you give it a try?
- All right.
308
00:17:13,702 --> 00:17:16,034
To the metric system.
309
00:17:26,481 --> 00:17:28,915
I can't taste the cherries.
310
00:17:30,752 --> 00:17:32,947
All right, Sheldon,
what's on your mind?
311
00:17:33,755 --> 00:17:36,781
I wronged Howard
and he won't accept my apology.
312
00:17:36,992 --> 00:17:38,050
Oh, right, that.
313
00:17:38,226 --> 00:17:40,194
Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.
314
00:17:40,762 --> 00:17:43,128
Penny,
you face failure on a daily basis.
315
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:48,402
- How do you cope?
- I drink.
316
00:17:50,305 --> 00:17:52,000
To drinking.
317
00:17:55,110 --> 00:17:56,600
Nope.
318
00:18:00,115 --> 00:18:03,516
If only there were some way to
force Howard to accept my apology...
319
00:18:03,719 --> 00:18:06,347
...so I could escape
this miasma of guilt.
320
00:18:06,588 --> 00:18:09,921
Sometimes just stuff happens
and there's nothing you can do about it.
321
00:18:10,092 --> 00:18:13,255
For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked
to me since 11th grade.
322
00:18:13,428 --> 00:18:15,293
No matter how much you apologize...
323
00:18:15,464 --> 00:18:18,297
...you can't go back
and undry-hump someone's boyfriend.
324
00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:20,594
I see.
325
00:18:20,769 --> 00:18:23,704
You're saying I'm facing
Starfleet Academy's...
326
00:18:23,872 --> 00:18:27,239
...unwinnable command scenario:
The Kobayashi Maru.
327
00:18:27,442 --> 00:18:29,637
Exactly. Sometimes you can't win.
328
00:18:29,845 --> 00:18:31,972
Captain Kirk won.
329
00:18:33,281 --> 00:18:35,340
Kirk cheated.
330
00:18:36,518 --> 00:18:38,452
Impressive that you know that.
331
00:18:39,955 --> 00:18:43,356
Hard to believe I'm actually having
this conversation with you.
332
00:18:43,525 --> 00:18:45,550
Right there with you.
333
00:18:46,361 --> 00:18:51,663
Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru
by reprogramming the simulator.
334
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:53,498
- That's it.
- What?
335
00:18:53,702 --> 00:18:55,363
I'll reprogram Howard.
336
00:18:55,537 --> 00:18:58,836
Wait...
Sheldon, you can't reprogram people.
337
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,634
No, you can't reprogram people.
338
00:19:02,911 --> 00:19:05,971
To James Tiberius Kirk.
339
00:19:15,824 --> 00:19:17,758
- Hello, all.
LEONARD: Hello.
340
00:19:17,926 --> 00:19:22,090
Howard, you're feeling better
about me today, aren't you?
341
00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:25,663
- Not really.
- Yes, you are.
342
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:30,362
I'm using neuro-linguistic programming
to modify your thought patterns.
343
00:19:32,207 --> 00:19:34,175
Go away, Sheldon.
344
00:19:34,743 --> 00:19:37,405
There's a 9.95 eBook
down the drain.
345
00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,913
- What's in the bag?
- It's for Howard.
346
00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:42,914
No, Sheldon,
you can't fix this with gifts.
347
00:19:43,118 --> 00:19:46,383
Nevertheless, I've hurt you
and whether you forgive me or not...
348
00:19:46,588 --> 00:19:48,556
...I want you to have this.
349
00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:52,718
You're giving me a couch cushion?
350
00:19:52,894 --> 00:19:55,089
No. The cushion is merely symbolic.
351
00:19:55,263 --> 00:19:57,959
I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
352
00:20:00,569 --> 00:20:02,036
But you love that spot.
353
00:20:02,237 --> 00:20:04,467
No, I love my mother.
354
00:20:04,639 --> 00:20:08,439
My feelings for my spot
are much greater.
355
00:20:09,277 --> 00:20:14,442
It is the singular location in space around
which revolves my entire universe.
356
00:20:15,650 --> 00:20:17,117
And now it's yours.
357
00:20:18,153 --> 00:20:21,645
Oh, my God, dude,
now you have to forgive him.
358
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,889
All right. Uh, apology accepted.
359
00:20:26,728 --> 00:20:28,059
High five.
360
00:20:28,230 --> 00:20:30,095
Not too hard.
361
00:20:31,433 --> 00:20:32,900
Thank you.
362
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:36,366
I haven't cried like this
since Toy Story 3.
363
00:20:46,348 --> 00:20:49,476
I gotta tell you, Sheldon,
I understand why you chose this spot.
364
00:20:49,651 --> 00:20:52,484
I mean, the temperature's good,
but there's no draft.
365
00:20:52,654 --> 00:20:55,145
I can see the television,
but I can still talk to...
366
00:20:55,323 --> 00:20:57,348
I changed my mind.
Get out of my spot.
367
00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:02,722
- How long?
- Ninety-four seconds.
29792
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