All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 02x04 - The Griffin Equivalency

Let's see, Raj was the kung pao chicken.

- I'm the dumplings.
- Yes, you are.

Creepy, Howard.

Creepy good or creepy bad?

- Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
- That would be me.

Come to Papa, you un-kosher delight.

I'm not necessarily talking to the food.

Sit over there.

Sit over there.

- Baby wipe?
- Why do you have...?

- No, don't ask.
- No, don't, don't.

I'll tell you why.

[BOTH SIGH]

I had to sanitize my hands
because the university...

...replaced the paper towels
in the restrooms with hot-air blowers.

I thought the blowers were more sanitary.

- Why?
- Really, don't.

Hot-air blowers are incubators
and spewers of bacteria and pestilence.

It'd be more hygienic
if they had a plague-infested gibbon...

...sneeze my hands dry.

Hey, guys.
I just got the most amazing new...

Do you think you'll ever be able to talk
in front of me without being drunk?

Okay, well, I'll just go eat by myself.

- You don't have to do that.
- It's okay.

Between him not talking,
him talking, and him...

...I'm better off alone.

So goodbye, you poor, strange little man.

- She's so considerate.
- So, what's your news?

Remember that little object
I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?

Oh, yeah, 2008-NQ sub-17.

Or as I call it, Planet Bollywood.

Anyway, because of my discovery...

...People magazine is naming me
one of their 30 Under 30 to Watch.

- Raj, that's incredible.
- Congratulations.

Excuse me, 30 what under 30 what
to watch what?

Thirty visionaries
under 30 years of age to watch...

...as they challenge
the preconceptions of the fields.

If I had a million guesses,
I never would have gotten that.

They've got me in with a guy doing
something about hunger in Indonesia...

...a psychotherapist using dolphins
to rehabilitate prisoners...

...and Ellen Page,
star of the charming independent film Juno.

Oh, I'd so do her.

You'd do the dolphins.

Do I get a mention...

...for designing the telescope camera
mounting bracket?

Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming
and personal narrative...

...in which a humble boy
from New Delhi...

...overcame poverty and prejudice and
journeyed to America to reach for the stars.

Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist.
He drives a Bentley.

It's a lease.

I'm confused. Was there
some sort of peer-review committee...

...to determine which scientists
would be included?

Peer review? It's People magazine.
People picked me.

- What people?
- The people from People.

What? Yeah, but exactly
who are these people?

What are their credentials?
How are they qualified?

What makes accidentally noticing
a hunk of rock...

...that's been traipsing around
the solar system for billions of years...

...more noteworthy than any other scientific
accomplishment by someone under 30?

Boy, I bet Ellen Page's friends
aren't giving her this kind of crap.

You proud of yourself?

In general, yes.

Oh, there's my missing neutrino.

You were hiding from me
as an unbalanced charge...

...weren't you,
you little subatomic dickens?

- Hi, Sheldon.
- Hey, look, I found my missing neutrino.

Oh, good,
we can take it off the milk carton.

We're gonna apologize to Raj
and invite him out to dinner.

Apologize? For what?

He came over last night with some pretty
good news and we weren't very supportive.

I sense you're trying
to tell me something.

You were a colossal asshat.

Oh, no, I beg to differ.

Of the three of us,
I was by far the most supportive.

Really? Do tell.

How will Raj ever reach true greatness
if his friends lower the bar for him?

When I was 11, my sister bought our father
a "world's greatest dad" coffee mug.

And frankly, the man coasted
until the day he died.

Okay, let's try it this way.

What if this People magazine thing
is the best Raj is going to achieve?

- I had not considered that.
- Mm-hm. Come on.

I often forget
other people have limitations.

It's so sad.

- He can feel sadness?
- Not really.

It's what you and I call condescension.

Now, when we go in there,
let's show Raj that we're happy for him.

But I'm not.

Well, then fake it. Look at me.

I could be grinding on the fact that
without my stabilizing telescope mount...

...he never would have found
that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz.

But I'm bigger than that.

Fine. What do you want me to do?

Smile.

Oh, crap, that's terrifying.

We're here to see Koothrappali,
not kill Batman.

Try less teeth.

Close enough. Come on.

- Hey, Raj.
- Hey, guys. What's up?

We wanted to invite you
out to dinner tonight.

Celebrate your 30 Under 30 thing.
Right, Sheldon?

- It's very nice of you. I would like that.
- Hello, boys.

- Dr. Gablehauser.
- Dr. Koothrappali.

- Dr. Gablehauser.
- Dr. Hofstadter.

- Dr. Gablehauser.
- Dr. Cooper.

- Dr. Gablehauser.
- Mr. Wolowitz.

Boys, I got a question for you.
Who in this room discovered a star?

Actually, 2008-NQ sub-17
is a planetary body.

I'm not talking about you,
I'm talking about me.

You, my exotic young friend, are my star.

But you didn't discover him.
You merely noticed he was here...

...much like he did with 2008-NQ sub-17.

- Sheldon.
- Ugh. Sorry.

Boy, we gotta get you into a better office.
Something more suited to your status.

- You don't have to go to trouble.
- How about von Gerlach's old office?

- I'd rather have Fishbein's. It's bigger.
GABLEHAUSER: Done.

Wait, I called dibs on Fishbein's office...

...the day he started showing up at work
in his bathrobe.

He gets a new office, I can't get
paper towels in the men's room?

- Sheldon.
- Damn, this is hard.

Let me ask you, what do you think
the business of this place is?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

- Science?
- Money.

Told you.

And this boy's picture
in People magazine...

...is gonna raise us
a pile of money taller than...

Well, taller than you.

- I have a master's degree.
- Who doesn't?

Dr. Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch
in the president's dining room?

I didn't even know
there was a president's dining room.

It's the same food as the cafeteria,
only fresh.

- Come on, little buddy.
- Okay, big buddy.

See you tonight, guys.

- You can stop smiling now.
- Ah.

So anyway, after a fantastic lunch...

...I was whisked off
to the People magazine photo shoot...

- Have any of you been to a photo shoot?
HOWARD: No.

It's fantastic.

Apparently, the camera loves me,
and I it.

They shot me in front of a starry
background where I posed like this:

They're going to digitally add
a supernova.

They say it's the perfect metaphor
for my incandescent talent.

Right, a ball of hot, flaming gas
that collapses upon itself.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant, Trevor.

Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.

They gave him an assistant?

If I want a new pen,
I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.

Have we at this point
met our social obligations?

Not yet.

Okay, put it on my calendar, but start
thinking of a reason why I can't go.

Alrighty? Koothrappali out.

God bless that boy.

- Don't know what I'd do without him.
- You just got him this afternoon.

Yes, but I'm finding
that having a lackey suits me.

- A lackey?
- I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect?

In India, we just call them untouchables.

- Now?
- Almost.

Speaking of untouchables,
I've got great news for you guys.

People magazine is having a reception
Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.

- Oh, gee, thanks.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Of course, I couldn't get you
into the VIP section...

...because, you know, that's for VIPs,
and you guys are just, you know, P's.

There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea...

...where when a hunter flaunts his success
to the rest of the village...

...they kill him and drive away evil spirits
with a drum made of his skin.

Superstitious nonsense, of course,
but one can see their point.

Here you go, Raj.
You might wanna drink this one slowly.

Okay. So Saturday night,
can I count on my posse?

Gee, I'd love to, Raj, but I can't make it.

Oh, okay. Leonard?

Well, uh...

No, I could... No.

- Sheldon?
- I can make it, but I won't.

- What are you talking about?
- The reception for my article on Saturday.

You guys aren't going?

I can't believe you. Raj is celebrating
a tremendous accomplishment.

You're not gonna be there?

A tremendous accomplishment would be
if the planetary body he discovered...

...were plummeting toward Earth
and he exploded it with his mind.

That would be cool.
I'd go to that reception.

Come on, this is huge.
Raj is gonna be in People magazine...

...and he didn't even have to knock up
one of the Spears sisters.

Would you like to go with me?

Of course I would. I would be honored.

Really? Cool.

Shame on you guys.

Look at that, I got a date with Penny.

I can't believe it took you a whole year.

- Now?
- Now.

Hey, buddy.
I'm gonna be in People magazine.

Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.

Oh, Raj, look at you.

I know. I'm resplendent
like the noonday sun, am I not?

Um, yeah. Starting with the champagne
a little early, aren't you?

It was in the limo.
They sent a limo. I have a limo.

I just love saying "limo." Here.

- Sip on this while you're getting ready.
- Oh, I'm ready.

That's what you're wearing?

Um, yeah. Why? What's wrong with it?

Nothing. I was just hoping for something
a little more, you know, ridonkulous.

Yeah. Well, this is all the "donkulous"
you're gonna get tonight.

Okey-dokey. Let's roll.

All right, it's time to raise the roof.
Ooh-ooh.

Hey, Leonard.

- Hey.
- Dude.

- You look very nice.
BOTH: Thank you.

- Come on. Good night, Leonard.
- Good night.

- Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs?
- Yeah.

It's bigger than the house
my grandfather grew up in.

- Terrific.
- It has more food too.

All right. Come on, come on.

RAJESH [SINGING]:
I'm coming up

So you better get this party started

I'm coming up
I'm coming up, yeah

I'm coming up
So you better get this party started

- Hey.
- Hey, good news.

You don't have to sulk
about Penny anymore.

There are hundreds of Croatian women
just waiting for you to contact them.

"Anything-for-a-Green-Card.com"?

I'll lend you my username.
It's Wealthy Big Penis.

- You're joking.
- You gotta make it easy for them.

They're just learning English.

Pass.

You're just gonna
sit around here and mope...

...while Penny is out with Dr. Apu
from the Kwik-E-Mart?

It's not a date and that's racist.

It can't be racist.
He's a beloved character on The Simpsons.

Let's just eat so I can get to bed.

With any luck, tonight will be the night
my sleep apnea kills me.

Did you ask for the chicken to be diced,
not shredded?

- Yes.
- Even though the menu specifies shredded?

- Yes.
- Brown rice, not white?

- Yes.
- Did you stop and get the hot mustard?

- Yes.
- Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

What took you so long?

- Just sit down and eat.
- Fine.

All right, it's shredded.
What do you want me to do?

I want you to check
before you accept the order.

Sorry.

Were you distracted
by the possibility...

...that Koothrappali might have intercourse
with Penny tonight?

He's not going to have intercourse
with Penny.

Then there's no excuse for this chicken.

You know, this situation with Koothrappali
brings to mind a story from my childhood.

Oh, goody,
more tales from the panhandle.

That's Northwest Texas.
I'm from East Texas, the Gulf region...

...home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

Do the shrimpers feature in your story?

No.

Anyway, when I was 8...

...a Montgomery Ward delivery van
ran over our family cat, Lucky.

- "Lucky"?
- Yes, "Lucky."

He's irony impaired. Just move on.

Okay, dead cat named Lucky. Continue.

While others mourned Lucky...

...I realized his untimely demise provided
me with the opportunity to replace him...

...with something
more suited to my pet needs.

A faithful companion
that I could snuggle with at night...

...yet would be capable of killing
upon telepathic command.

So not a puppy?

Please. No, nothing so pedestrian.

I wanted a griffin.

- A griffin?
- Yes, half eagle, half lion.

And mythological.

Irrelevant.

Yeah, I was studying
recombinant DNA technology...

...and I was confidant
I could create one...

...but my parents were unwilling to secure
the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen.

Of course, my sister got swimming lessons
when she wanted them.

Sheldon, not that we don't all enjoy
a good lion-semen story...

...but what's your point?

My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on
to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame...

...then perhaps this is an opportunity
to create a better cohort.

You wanna breed a new friend?

That's one option, but who has the time?

But consider this.

The Japanese, they're doing some
wonderful work with artificial intelligence.

Now, combine that with some animatronics
from the imagineers over at Disney.

Next thing you know, we're playing "Halo"
with a multilingual Abraham Lincoln.

Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way,
but you're insane.

That may well be, but the fact is it
wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.

For the record,
it could kill us to meet new people.

They could be murderers
or the carriers of unusual pathogens.

And I'm not insane.
My mother had me tested.

If we do get a new friend,
he should be a guy you can trust.

You know, a guy who has your back.

He should have money and live in a cool
place by the beach where we throw parties.

- He should share our love of technology.
- And he should know a lot of women.

Okay, let's see, money, women, technology.
Okay, we're agreed.

Our new friend is going to be Iron Man.

RAJESH [SINGING]:
I can go all night

If you know what I mean

Welcome to the Raj Mahal.

Yes, it's very nice. Good night, Raj.

- Wait, the evening's not over.
- Yes, it is.

No, it's time to put on some R. Kelly
and suck face.

Oh, wow, is the evening over.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Wait, wait, wait. That's my mommy
and daddy calling from India.

I want you to meet my parents.

Wait, meet them?

Hello, Mommy, Daddy. Good to see you.
How are you? I'm not drunk.

- Why would you say that?
- Just making conversation.

Mommy, Daddy, I want you to meet
my new squeeze, Penny.

I am not your squeeze.
There is no squeezing.

I can't see her. Center her in the frame.

Here you go. Cute, huh?

She's not Indian.

So she's not Indian.
The boy's sowing some wild oats.

No, no, no, there's no sowing,
no squeezing and no sucking face.

What if he gets her pregnant?

Is this hotsy-totsy who you want
as the mother of your grandchildren?

What right do you have
to pick whom I can have children with?

Look, Rajesh, I understand,
you're in America...

...you want to try the "local cuisine."

But trust me,
you don't want it for a steady diet.

Now, you listen to me. I am no longer
a child and I will not be spoken to like one.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go throw up.

- What's wrong with him?
PENNY: I don't know.

Maybe it's the local cuisine.

Okay, well, it's nice to meet you.

Just gonna set you on down over here.

And I'm gonna leave, so namaste.

And FYI, you'd be lucky
to have me as a daughter-in-law.

She's feisty.

I like that.

[SHUFFLING]

Raj, what are you doing?

No, no notes.
If you have something to say to me, say it.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Sorry.

Oh, sweetie, it's okay.

[English - US - SDH]