All language subtitles for Station 19 - 3x10 - Something About What Happens When We Talk.HDTV.en

Meeting in the beanery.

Now? I got childcare, and shift is over.

Call the babysitter.
You're gonna be late.

How late?

Do we know what this is?

We do.

Do we want to tell our team what this is?

Critical incident stress debriefing.

- No.
- Why?!

I'm too tired for head shrinking.

My eyes are starting to move
independently of each other.

Uh, I have a baby.

Yeah, I have his baby.

I have a couple of teenagers

and a wife who gets mad

if I don't come home
after my 24-hour shift.

I have...

a deep desire to not be here.

- Sit down.
- Thank you. I'd love to.

This isn't my call. It's over my head.

But even if it was my call,
I wouldn't let you leave.

Vasquez was on our team.

Captain Bishop, you might want to

take your A shift powwow somewhere else.

We have to cook in here,

and unless you want us
to fillet Gibson for breakfast...

I'd get him out of our sight.

Team.

This is Dr. Diane Lewis.

She's a psychologist
and a trauma specialist.

Doctor Lewis, is it legal
for our employers

to hold us hostage in the gym

and force us to talk about our feelings?

No. We don't use the "F" word
here when we're at work.

Miller, Hughes, don't push it.

And if it is legal,
is it psychologically sound?

Did they lead you here at gunpoint?

- Emotional gunpoint.
- Mm-hmm.

- "Mandatory" gunpoint.
- Mm-hmm.

I swear to God, if y'all don't shut up...

Doctor, I will leave you to it.

So, your battalion chief
has a hair trigger temper.

Who wants to talk about that?

I thought we were here
to talk about Vasquez.

We're here to talk about
whatever needs talking about.

Last year, more firefighters
died from suicide

than in the line of duty.

Whatsamatter?

Big, strong firefighters
afraid to use your words?

What kind of therapist are you?

The kind who used to
jump out of helicopters

and rappel into wildfires.

I know you because I am you.

I know what you see every day.

I know how it feels
to lose one of your own.

Vasquez had a pulmonary embolism

the day he was supposed to go home.

Now, that hurts me,
and I never even met the guy.

So, yes, I am holding you hostage today.

At emotional gunpoint.

Um, am I seriously supposed to
do this in the gym?

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

This is so good.

Are you mocking me?

Mocking you?

No.

I've got a 15-year-old
and two pre-teens at home.

Trust me, I love silence.

Love it.

I don't know what you want me to say.

I didn't think Vasquez was a good guy.

Didn't think he was a good firefighter.

He didn't listen to authority,
which made him a liability,

and he was that way from
the beginning, way before I...

Way before you...?

I'm sure you've heard.

I'm interested in hearing your take.

Way before I broke the code.

Way before I made myself a viper.

Way before I lost even my own respect

and way before I lost yours.

I'm not here to judge you, Jack.

You used to be a firefighter.

So you're judging what I did

whether it's your job or not.

Because that code

has been hammered into us from day one.

So, why'd you break it?

I didn't know who she was.

And once you knew, you stopped?

Never went there again?

Why do you think you broke it?

I tried to stop.

Are you a sex addict?

No. No.

I don't know. I don't think so.

So, what was going on for you

before you made the decisions you made?

Aren't you supposed to be talking

about trauma or something?

Rigo's death hasn't been
traumatic for you?

I've lived through worse.

Then tell me about the worse.

- I don't get it.
- Don't get...?

That you quit firefighting

so you can sit in rooms and force people

to relive their worst memories?

I made a bad drop out of a helicopter

and shattered my leg.

I was supposed to
be there putting out the fire,

and I became the rescue.

The family lost their house and their dog

because my team had to come
rescue me instead of Aldo.

That was the dog's name... Aldo.

I would hear him barking

and those kids crying

and screaming for someone to help him

every time I tried to sleep.

And the way it was barking at the end?

I don't think it was
the smoke that took it out.

I got a pin in my hip,
15 screws in my leg,

and a metal knee.

And none of it hurt as bad

as the sound of Aldo barking.

It was like... It was like tinnitus.

It never stopped.

Until someone like me came to my bedside

and got me to talk.

And the barking got quieter.

And the more I talked,
the quieter it got.

So, when my leg never fully healed

and I needed a new plan,

I learned how to do this.

Now you.

Tell me your worst thing.

I keep thinking about my dad.

I was a foster kid.

Grew up in group homes mostly.

But one year, I almost got adopted.

I had a sister and brother,

and I had a mom and a dad.

Had a hard time
calling them that at first

because it was, you know, weird.

But that's what they
wanted me to call them.

He was a high school science teacher,

and she was a receptionist
in a dentist's office.

I thought they couldn't have kids,

but they said they could.

They just didn't want them.

He was preoccupied with overpopulation.

Said it was the greatest threat
to our planet.

So they fostered us
and planned to adopt us.

And...

What just happened?

Hmm?

You were talking about your dad.

I was thinking about a call I went on.

When?

Last Christmas.

You asked about the worst thing.

I think that was the worst thing.

Tree's on fire!

Ma'am? Ma'am! Step away from the tree.

- I have to put out the fire!
- Step away from the tree.

- Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
- Step away from the fire.

Come with me, come with me, come with me.

The tree's on fire!

We've got it under control. Okay?

Calm down, calm down.

The tree's on fire!

The tree's on fire!

The tree's on fire.

The tree's on fire.

Ma'am.

Do you have anyone we can call?

The tree's on fire.

The tree's on fire.

That's the worst call
you've ever been on?

Yeah.

Well, you've been at this awhile.

So I'm assuming you've seen...

you know...

whole families cooked to death.

Yeah.

So, what made this one the worst?

Your name's Diane.

Yes.

♪ Little ditty about Jack and Diane ♪

♪ Two American kids growing up
in the heartland ♪

It was the worst call
'cause she was all alone.

She was just all alone

in that crappy little apartment.

And somehow, through the whiskey
and the loneliness,

she got herself up off the couch,

and she got herself a tree,

and she decorated it
with whatever she could find.

But she was all alone.

She didn't have any family photos

or anyone to call.

Just that tree.

And her tree burned down.

Ah.

Oh, you're not gonna give me a tissue?

No.

No?

Tissues kind of suggest

you should wipe your tears away,

suck 'em back in.

And I want all of them out.

I'm angry with Gibson
for breaking the code.

I'm angry with Bishop
for putting him in the field.

I'm a little angry with Sullivan

for promoting Bishop over me,

but other than that, I'm...

You know, I'm pretty good.

You were a... You were a smokejumper?

- Yep.
- Yeah, that's...

that's pretty hardcore.

Not nearly as hardcore
as my new line of work.

Yeah. I could never...

Yeah, no, I could jump
out of a helicopter

into a wildfire, but I could
not do what you do now.

Mm, you're a doer, not a talker.

- Yeah.
- Let me guess.

You were a cheerleader in high school.

Dance squad.

Dance squad!

That's even better.

Are you making fun of me?

Why do you all think
I'm making fun of you?

Maybe that's a question
you should ask yourself.

Is it because I take joy in my work?

Because I like getting to know my clients

and it makes me smile
and it makes me laugh?

Maybe.

Did you like dance squad?

Not really. I... I preferred salsa.

You can do salsa?

State champion.

You're a state champion salsa dancer?

Seriously?

Well, that takes sex appeal
and showmanship

and athleticism all at the same time,

which is kind of a rare combination.

So, what made you want
to jump into fires?

Okay.

Who told you what?

What?

Why are you talking about my sex appeal?

Uh, I was talking about salsa.

Did someone say something
about me and Sullivan?

Sullivan the battalion chief?

You didn't hear that?

I did now.

This is like doctor-patient
privilege, right?

You can't report me
or write down anything?

- That's right.
- Okay, good.

Well, I'm not just sleeping with him.

I'm in love with him.

And now you hate me.

Why do you think I hate you?

Because my behavior is a blight

on the plight of female
firefighters everywhere.

A blight on the plight?

- Now you're mocking me.
- Only a little.

All right, we're here
to talk about Vasquez.

- So can we do that?
- Sure.

Were you close with him?

He's a salsa dancer, too.

- Vasquez?
- Sullivan.

Oh.

He can dance salsa.

And I know I'm supposed to feel guilty.

About Vasquez?

- About Sullivan.
- Okay.

You're supposed to feel guilty,

- but you actually feel...
- Yes, I...

Electric! I feel electric.

I feel... awake.

I feel awake all the time.

This man undoes me.

He...

I love him. I'm in love with him.

You know, love all by itself
is not electric.

By itself, it's calming.

It gets electric when you combine it

with stuff that isn't love.

Rule breaking. Intrigue. Danger.

Mm, so you are judging me.

I'm not. I'm just trying to
understand you.

You're angry with Jack
for breaking the code,

but you're breaking it yourself.

You coin phrases like
"blight on the plight,"

but you keep doing it,
and you don't feel guilty.

You feel electrified.

I'm just trying to figure out why.

The plight of female firefighters

isn't mine to carry.

- Okay.
- My mother was a firefighter.

Or she was gonna be

until she met my dad at the academy

and got pregnant with me.

So, your father was a firefighter?

Yes, he was the captain of this house.

And your mother is still...

She died when I was 9.

- So you were raised by a single dad.
- Yes.

You grew up.

Joined the same house your father ran.

And then...

you start sleeping
with the battalion chief?

Okay, whoa, whoa. This... This
has nothing to do with my father.

This has nothing to do with my father.

Are we done here?

- No.
- I think we are.

Talk to me about Vasquez.

Was he your friend?

She's dying! My wife is dying!

Sir, where is she?

She's in the back.

Help her!

Please help her. Please!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

Sir, stop! Stop!

- She's choking!
- Yes, I... I can see that,

but she's also wheezing, which
means air is getting through.

The Heimlich won't work.
You'll just break her ribs.

Okay, ma'am, you are able
to get air through,

so I just need you to relax.

Do me a favor... I need you to cough.

- Raccoon! Raccoon!
- What the hell?

Oh! Well, the Heimlich's gonna work now.

- All right.
- You got it?

All right.

It's... It's all right.

It's all right, Herrera.

You know, raccoons are...

scary little creatures.

I mean...

What were you doing
jumping up on a table?

I thought you said I needed
a check-up at the hospital.

Shh.

We're... We're gonna
get you there, ma'am.

Sorry.

Oh.

I barely knew him.

Hm.

Montgomery?

You're up.

Four alarm fire.

I heard the alarm.

Yeah, when the alarm went off,

they were cooking
a bunch of stuff for Eva.

For Rigo's widow.

They'll be gone for hours,

so I'm going to finish what they started.

That's a nice gesture.
But I can't excuse you from...

I'm not asking to be excused.

I'm just asking
if we can talk while I cook.

Well, counseling is generally
a private conversation.

Probie, beat it.

Little tension there.

Yeah, he's in the closet,
and I have no respect for him.

Okay, let's not...

He has a girlfriend. It's serious.

She has no idea that he cheats on her,

even less idea that
he does it with dudes.

Travis, stop. We are in a public space.

And if you want to talk about
your own issues publicly,

I'm fine with that.

But I'm not okay with you
outing someone else on my watch.

My pet rabbit likes his cage.

Can I talk about that?

We're doing code words now?

- You made the rules.
- Sure.

Tell me about your pet rabbit, Travis.

Well, he's a sweet rabbit.

A well-intentioned rabbit.

A rabbit that was bullied
by his father into working here,

and I'm pretty sure bullied

into becoming a firefighting rabbit

in the first place.

He studied art history in college,

and when his adrenaline
starts to surge, he panics,

which is cute... in a rabbit.

Not super cute in a firefighter.

- Okay.
- The father also bullies him

to stay in his cage.

And I don't know

if the father even knows
that he's a rabbit,

but I know that he doesn't see him.

Doesn't let him be who he is.

And I know that he just rolls with that.

Doesn't push back,

doesn't fight for the right
to be who he is

and not be caged his whole life.

And that, it makes me crazy.

And it makes me hate him.

I hate my pet rabbit.

Ooh!

God, it feels good to admit that.

You want to tell me about your dad?

Why would I want to do that?

You're out.

You're an openly gay firefighter.

I honestly think
you might be the only one

in the city of Seattle.

You're the only one I've met.

So... it's not that your pet rabbit

is such a backwards rabbit.

It's that you are braver than most.

We run toward fire for a living.

Mm-hmm. Brave is a prerequisite.

Yes, and I'm saying that you are braver.

How does that make you feel?

It's 2020.

When I was a kid, 2020 felt like

the oldest the world was ever gonna get.

I thought there would be
flying cars in 2020.

I shouldn't have to be brave

to be out of the closet in 2020.

You shouldn't have to be, but you do.

You do.

And you are.

Why is that so hard to take in?

My husband was an out, gay firefighter.

Got it. So there were two.

You're exaggerating.

Not by much.

Why don't you want to
acknowledge how brave you are?

Why would you rather think of
your pet rabbit as a coward

than own your own strength?

How did your parents
react when you came out?

Was it easy? Were they supportive?

- Can we talk about something else?
- Sure.

Why'd you become a firefighter?

Because I had an overdeveloped
sense of responsibility

and an underdeveloped interest
in the family business.

What was the family business?

Irish pub,

and I could never hold my drink.

Also I got raped
in the backroom when I was 17,

and I didn't want to go there after that.

I thought you said
this was a public space.

You think I should keep it
a secret that I got raped?

I don't have shame about that.

The rapist is the one
who should be ashamed.

I hope he is.
I hope he learned something.

I hope he didn't do that again.

I've had a fair amount of therapy,

and I have never had a therapist...

Disclose her personal history?

Yeah, typically, we don't.

But with firefighters,

it's hard to get people to talk

if I don't do some talking myself.

So I tell you my story

in the hopes that you will tell me yours.

You want me to tell you
why I became a firefighter?

Unless there's something else
you want to talk about.

Hurry up! I don't want to
be late for the show.

Dammit, Janet!

I don't understand how women
wear these shoes every day.

Yeah, but your legs do look good.

My legs do look really good.

Help!

He's gonna kill me!

Somebody help me!

Travis, no! Call the police!

You call. I'm going in.

What are you gonna do?
Blind him with your high heel?

I don't know! Call 911!

Help me! Help!

Help!

Hey! What the hell?!

- Get away from her.
- Who the hell are you?!

Get up. Run.

Get down, Jane!

Oh, my God!

Run!

Wait.

You were dressed...

As Frank-N-Furter from
"Rocky Horror Picture Show."

And you... you half-nelsoned him?

Yeah. I mean, it wasn't a big deal.

I wrestled in high school,
and that guy...

I mean, men who beat women
are just cowards.

But, you know, it gave me

a taste for the hero thing, I guess,

and I never looked back.

- You did it again.
- Did what?

You dismissed your own bravery.

You are a straight-up hero
in that story, Travis.

How many people do you think

would shoulder their way through a door

instead of just calling the police?

In drag, no less.

She could have died
if I waited for the police.

Yeah, your friend didn't go in.

Dammit Janet? He didn't
want to mess up his makeup.

Travis.

Why is it so hard

for you to acknowledge who you are?

Who gave you so much shame to carry?

I'm not ashamed.

Right. You're not ashamed.

You're just not all that brave.

And then when you are brave,

it's not that you were brave,

it's that everyone else is a coward.

Do you know how many men
would like to try drag

- but can't let themselves?
- It wasn't drag.

It was "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

Do you know how few
gay firefighters, gay cops,

gay soldiers will ever
come out of the closet?

Do you know how few human beings

will tackle the men
who are beating their wives?

You are brave. You are fierce.

And your pet rabbit

is just a guy figuring things out.

He's not on your level.

Doesn't make him a monster.
Doesn't make him a coward.

It makes you extraordinary.

I'm sorry. I'm just, uh...

I'm sad Rigo died.

You're in the club.

Which one?

Changing careers midstream club.

I might be the president of that club.

Oh, I am definitely the president.

I mean, you can be my VP.

Haven't we had enough
male presidents already?

- Hmm.
- True. Okay, I'll... I'll be your VP.

Uh, how many careers have you had?

Only the two.

Unless you count bartending,

which I did for most of my twenties.

How many careers for you?

Oh, a lot. A lot.

But I found a way to
pull them all together.

Ah, I heard.

The whole department's
talking about your, uh, DRT.

Oh, PRT.

It's the, uh, Physician Response Team.

Mm, surgery on the side of the road.

Exactly.

Incredible.

You miss fighting fires?

Yes. Yes.

And there's nothing to say
I can't do it if I'm needed.

But, you know...

You have a finely honed skill set

that was going to waste.

Exactly what my wife said.

Hmm.

Yeah, she wishes you still
worked in a safe, quiet hospital.

Oh, very much, yes.

I get that.

I married a firefighter once.

I wouldn't ever do it again.

Really?

Even thought you were
a firefighter yourself?

When I was fighting fires,
I was always thinking

about the people I was saving.

But when my husband was fighting fires...

- "Was"?
- Divorced, not dead.

When he was fighting fires,
I was always worried about him.

It's a sickening feeling.

A powerless, awful feeling.

Okay.

I'm saying to you all the things
your wife isn't saying.

Is it helpful?

Mm...

Not really.

Because you know how scared she is

and you're not prepared
to change your life.

No, I... I did change my life.

I... I created the PRT.

Okay.

- Look, I... I saved Rigo.
- Mm.

Like, I was there on the scene.

It was my first day with the PRT.

And if I hadn't been there,
he never would have made it.

I mean, he wouldn't have lived the day.

I saved him.

You know, and then...

And then?

He threw a clot.

Which is kinda like God's "screw you"

to doctors like me, with God complexes.

He was sliced open by shrapnel,
he was bleeding out,

and we used every single thing we knew

to put him back together.

He was up, and he was talking.

I went to see him. He thanked me.

We joked, we laughed.
He said it hurt to laugh.

And I left there
patting myself on the back.

And then God laughed.

Do you believe in a punishing God?

No.

Sounds like you do.

Yeah, look, I don't...
I don't know what I believe.

I did Sunday school when I was a kid,

and they always taught us
that God rewards the righteous

and punishes the wicked.

But the stuff I've seen since
I've been working here?

I mean, what,

is everyone wicked?

Does everyone deserve to be punished?

Did Rigo?

Did I?

When were you punished?

My wife was having a baby.

And then just like that... she wasn't.

Hmm.

And my wife, she... she is not wicked.

She just brought home
a 17-year-old foster kid.

She's like some kind of saint.

So... it's your fault she miscarried.

If God was punishing the wicked...

you're the wicked?

I don't know you very well,

so I need to try and get a handle on this

before I can decide
if you're wicked or not.

What's the angriest you've ever been?

Oh, man.

Keep your hands on the wheel,
where I can see them.

They are on the wheel, Officer.
Uh, was I speeding?

- Let me see your hands!
- Officer, my name is...

Okay, get out of the car
and keep your hands up!

My name is Ben Warren,
and I'm a firefighter.

Get out of the car now.

Now lie facedown on the ground.

Do it!

Now show me your ID.

Okay, I'm gonna reach for my back pocket.

May I reach for my back...

Show me your ID!

Taillight's out.

Better get that fixed.

I'm not just a firefighter.

I'm a surgeon.

I'm a husband, man. I'm a human being!

I am a human being,

and you just had me
lie on the ground at your feet!

How many days did you spend

planning that cop's murder?

Oh, I had a few revenge
fantasies, I'm not gonna lie.

Good.

And what did you do?

I went home.

Hugged my wife and my son.

And then I called the chief of Police

and the city council,

and I reported my experience.

I requested the officer
receive suspension without pay

and the unconscious bias training.

And then I made
a monthly donation to the ACLU.

What's the opposite of wicked, again?

From Sunday school?

Righteous.

That's what you are.

Hughes.

Wanna join me in the captain's office?

Can I go first?

I have a baby, and I've already
been away from her

for, like, 28 hours already.

I'm fine with that.

Okay.

And I don't need an office.

Anything I need to say,
I can say in front of Vic.

I should say no to that,
but my gut says okay.

Why should you say no?

- Because protocol.
- Yep.

And what does your gut say?

That there's something
you want her to hear

and that's the only way
you're gonna say it.

Yeah, your gut's wrong.

I just want to finish my workout.

Guns like these don't grow on trees.

What's your baby's name?

Pruitt Arike Miller.

Pruitt?

Yep.

Yeah, we call her Pru,
but she's named after our old captain.

And Arike?

It's a Nigerian name.
Of the Yoruba people.

That's my mother's tribe.

It means "cherished one."

And is your mother pleased with the name?

Well, my mother won't meet her.

She won't meet her because?

Because she has a very specific idea

of how I should live my life,

and having a baby
out of wedlock, it ain't it.

So, your mother won't meet the baby.

What does that mean for you?

It means that my father
won't meet her, either.

It means that I've disappointed them

beyond their lowest expectations.

It means...

- they're cutting me off.
- What?

Sorry, what? Um...

Sorry. I'll be quiet.

They're cutting you off
financially or emotionally?

- Both.
- When did they tell you that?

Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hang on, just so I'm clear,
are you two friends?

Or are you a couple?

- Friends.
- Friends. I'm just helping him with Pru.

And I... I moved in,
and we take it in shifts.

- It's...
- You moved in?

- She needed a place.
- Yeah, I needed a place.

- But you're just friends.
- Yeah.

Why is that so hard
for everyone to believe?

Who's everyone?

Her boyfriend.

My ex-boyfriend.

He broke up with me
'cause I moved in with Dean,

and he doesn't believe
there's nothing between us.

He broke up with you

because you moved in with him
without telling him

and then you moved in with me
without consulting him.

Why are you taking his side?

I'm not taking his side.

I am your friend...

- Okay.
- I am.

And as your friend, it is my job
to tell you the truth,

even when you don't want to hear it.

And I am not gonna be your yes man

specifically because you're,
I don't know,

the closest thing to family
that I've got anymore.

I mean, I... I have a sister,
but she's in Chicago,

and she's a lawyer,

she's working 80 hours a week.

A miserable profession
that my parents approve of.

I hate them.

You don't know them.

And I don't hate them. I can't.

When I was a kid,

my mother, she'd walk me
to school every morning.

And the kids, they'd,
uh... they'd call us names

and they'd make fun of me
because we looked different

and because she sounded different,

and she'd pull me aside.

She'd look me right in my eye,

and she would say, "We are Nigerians."

- You know?
- Mm-hmm.

And that...

There's a lot of pride in that.

And such high expectations.

So to my parents, there are
literally four careers...

a doctor, a lawyer, a banker,

and a disappointment.

I crushed her when
I became a firefighter.

That's what my mother said.

Those are the words that she used.

She said I crushed her,
and I brought her so much shame,

and I couldn't understand how my choices

could've brought her so much shame,

and now I do.

Because it's exactly what
her choices are doing to me.

I feel so much shame.

For her.

'Cause she won't meet my little girl.

My perfect little girl

with her perfect little fingers
and her perfect little eyes,

and my mother won't know her.

And I don't hate my mother,
but shame on her.

Vic, I need you in my life.

I don't want you to move out.

Pru and I are grateful for you every day.

But there's something
that has been on my mind

that I've been wanting to say,

and, uh, I'm not gonna hold my tongue

just to make you happy

or because I-I need you to stay.

Fine.

I think you loved Jackson.

I think you sabotaged things with him

because you feel guilty about
moving on from Ripley so fast.

And if you were my girl
and you pulled what you pulled,

I'd have ended it.

I think you should fix things with him

because I don't want to be the reason

why you're brokenhearted again.

My best friend when I was in college

was a 90-year-old

in my grandmother's
assisted-living facility.

Mm. His name was Milton.

And way after my grandmother
didn't recognize me anymore,

uh, I would go and visit him.

Do you think that's weird?

No.

So we would... we would
laugh and play cards,

and he would give me
excellent advice about my life

because my parents were always working,

so I couldn't ask them for much.

So, when Milton died,
I cried a lot for a while,

and then I made a new best friend.

I didn't feel guilty
for moving on from him.

- You think I should've?
- No.

And when my fiancé died...
not that long ago...

I don't feel guilty

for moving on so fast.

I feel relief

from the unbearable pain of losing him.

Do you think that makes me... wrong?

Or bad? Or shallow?

Do you think it does?

No.

Then no.

I didn't sabotage it with Jackson.

I just didn't ask his permission

before I moved in with a friend.

And I think you're a little backwards

for thinking I should have.

And I won't move out
because you told me your truth,

but I hope you won't kick me out

for telling you your truth is stupid.

Okay.

I feel better.

Thanks for the therapy.

I feel better.

Sorry about your parents.

When we fall in love with our friends,

we often try to fix them up
with other people.

It's common.

But be careful.

Okay, I'm... I'm sorry.

What... What are... What's...

If you tell her you love her too soon,

you could blow the whole thing.

And for the record,

my gut is never wrong.

Dr. Lewis, why do you think I did it?

Why do you think I broke the code

and lost even my own self-respect?

Only you know the answer to that.

I'm interested in your take.

We got one hour together, Jack.

I would be irresponsible to presume to...

Dr. Lewis, you're a firefighter.

You think fast. You have a take.

Even after just one hour.

Give me your take.

You had a family for one year
when you were a kid.

You had a dad and a mom
and a sister and a brother,

and I'm picturing a white picket fence.

You did years alone

on the streets, in group homes.

And then for one shining year,
you got the opposite.

You got a family.

For the first and only time in your life.

Until you joined this family.

A fire took your family
away from you back then.

So your body is wired
for that particular pattern.

Comfort and love are followed

by sudden and shocking loss
and loneliness.

Eva was the fire,
and I burned down the family.

This family is still alive, Jack.

But Rigo isn't.

Look, trauma wires us
for certain patterns,

and until we name them and heal them,

we'll find ways to relive them,

which, in my humble
and limited estimation,

is why you broke the code.

But it's not why Rigo died.

By all accounts,
Rigo didn't follow orders.

His own psychology got him
in the end, not yours.

Take care of yourself, Jack.

I'm here if you want to talk more.

So, lay it on me, Dr. Lewis.

How are we doing as a house?

I'm not looking for
confidential information.

I just want to know
how everyone's taking Rigo.

How are you taking Rigo?

I put Rigo and Jack together that day.

They wouldn't have been
at each other's throats

if I'd made a different call.

Well, I can't divulge what's
been discussed in session,

but I can tell you, that's not
your team's narrative.

I'm a horrible person.

Because you believed your team

when they said they could
handle their issues in house?

Because a man died and all I care about

is how it reflects on me.

- Eyes forward.
- Hm?

That's the rule that was pounded into me.

Eyes forward at all times.

The only thing that
matters is the finish line.

I think about dying.

Since Rigo?

Since I was 12.

It soothes me. When I can't sleep.

When I'm anxious.

I think about dying,
and then I can fall asleep.

Eyes forward at all times.
It's exhausting.

I'm exhausted.

Is it a suicidal impulse?

Do you seriously consider
hurting yourself?

No. No, it's...

You know, it's an escape.

When I was little,

I would fly all over the country
for track meets,

and I would look down at the clouds,

- and they looked like a bed.
- Mm.

You know, they looked so soft.

Like nothing could
hurt inside those clouds.

Like I could sleep in. Like I could rest.

Like I could... love,

if I could just jump into those clouds.

Truth is, I'm a little bit
jealous of Rigo right now.

Who taught you eyes forward?

My father.

Have you considered the
possibility that he was wrong?

Maya, isn't it possible,

with everything else you've accomplished,

that you could learn
to let yourself rest and sleep

and love in this life

instead of waiting for death
to set you free?

Mrs. Vasquez, I know I didn't
know Rigo all that well,

but I just... I wanted to say
that, uh, I'm so sorry.

We are... so sorry.

I don't want to be a widow.

I don't want to
never see my husband again.

I don't want this.

I...

I don't want this food.

Who's there?

Uh, Seattle Fire Department.

Yes? Is there a gas leak or something?

Oh, no, ma'am. I, uh...

I brought you groceries.

You did what, now?

I thought you might be hungry.

I'm Jack Gibson.

I-I was here when your...
your tree burnt down.

I put it out.

Oh, holy hell, that was a night.

Yeah. It was.

You put it out?

I did.

You brought me groceries?

I did.

That's awful nice of you.

Come on in.

That's dope. All right.

Hey! Hey, y'all got room for one more?

- Hey! Yes, sir.
- Yeah!

Sir? How old do you think I am?

All right, yes, Ben.

All right, that's better.

- Oh!
- Oh. Oh!

- Right back.
- I'm going, I'm g...

- Oh!
- No way!

What you got?

- Oh!
- Oh!

You know, I was thinking...

Hmm?

Uh, could you take some days off?

Could we try to go somewhere?

I thought you have to work.

I have some personal days saved up.

- How many?
- Uh...

Like a hundred, maybe?

I-I don't take days off. But...

But I would like to try.

Yes.

- Yeah?
- Yes!

Really?