All language subtitles for Love in the Time of Monsters 2014

[dramatic music]

*

- JEEZ, THIS GUY IS HUGE.

PRETTY NEAT-O.

SUPER NEAT-O.

OH--
LOOK AT THESE MUNCHKINS.

HEY!
OH, WHAT--OH, MY GOD!

OH, WAIT, WAIT--
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT IS IT?

HEY, IT'S A SPARKLE BEAR.

THE DANGEROUS SPARKLE BEAR!
- AAH!

- ENOUGH WITH THE SPARKLE BEAR.
STOP REVVING 'EM UP.

- GO PLAY OVER THERE SO I CAN
TAKE SOME MORE PICTURES.

- WALKING FEET, WALKING FEET.
BE CAREFUL.

- THAT'S GREAT.
I WANT A NICE SHOT THERE.

- IS IT REALLY NECESSARY?
DO WE NEED MORE PICTURES?

- WE NEED--
WE NEED A LOT MORE PICTURES.

THIS IS ADORABLE.
COME ON, LIGHTEN UP.

- OKAY, OKAY.
- DROVE ALL THIS WAY.

[creaking]

- OH, OH, NOT--

NO, NO, NO--DON'T DO THAT.

- OKAY, YEAH,
THAT'S A LITTLE CRAZY.

STOP BEING SO CRAZY, GIRLS.

COME OVER HERE.
PUT YOUR BUNS ON THE BUNYAN.

- BE CAREFUL, IT'S WET.
DON'T GET WET.

- A LITTLE WET
NEVER KILLED ANYBODY.

- COME ON, LOOSEN UP.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

AND, WAVE TO THE CAMERA.

SAY, "I LOVE FAMILY VACATION!"

both: I LOVE FAMILY VACATION!

[scraping]

[screaming]

- YOU KNOW--
- WHAT?

- OKAY, NO,
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY--

- NO, COME ON.
- WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT
HE'S LYING TO YOU ABOUT.

THE ISSUE IS THAT HE'S EVEN
LYING TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- I HAVE NO REASON
TO DISTRUST MY FIANCE.

IF HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW

ABOUT HIS EMBARRASSING
WEEKEND JOB,

THEN MAYBE HE JUST
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HIRED

BY SOMEONE WE KNOW.

- JUST WAIT.

THREE MONTHS AFTER THE WEDDING,
AND, BOOM,

YOU'LL FIND OUT ABOUT
THE SECRET FAMILY,

THE OFFSHORE BANK ACCOUNTS,

THE DRUG CARTEL
MURDER SYNDICATE.

- OOH.
- OR AN AFFAIR.

PUTTING COMPLETE FAITH
IN ANYONE IS JUST CRAZY.

- SOMETIMES FOR LOVE YOU JUST
GOT TO GO A LITTLE CRAZY.

- YEAH, LIKE YOU'D KNOW CRAZY.

[cell phone rings]

- OH, MOM'S CALLING YOU.
- SO WHAT?

- UH, HOW DO I GET THIS OFF?
- THE ARROW.

- THIS ONE?
- NOT THAT ONE.

- THAT ONE?
- NO, THAT ONE IS FOR RADIO.

THAT ONE'S FOR CD.
- THAT IS THE ONE THAT I--

- THAT ARROW!

- HI, MOM!
- CARLA, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- YES, WE'RE FINE.

- WHAT DOES THE GAS METER SAY?
- IT SAYS WE'RE FINE.

- WHERE'S MARLA?
- OH, SHE'S HERE.

- IS MARLA THERE?
SHE'S NOT TALKING.

I DON'T HEAR HER.
- NO.

- YOU KNOW, YOU TWO NEED
TO WATCH OUT FOR EACH OTHER.

- SHE SAYS HI.

- I JUST DON'T TRUST PLACES
LIKE THAT.

NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR FATHER.

I WORRY ABOUT YOU TWO.
- YES, OKAY.

- COULD JOHNNY FIND A BETTER JOB

THAN DRESSING UP
AS A SILLY BIGFOOT MAN?

- MOM...

- TELL MARLA TO KEEP AN EYE
ON YOU, AND DON'T GET--

- WHAT? WHAT?

MOM?

MOM?
MOM?

MOM?

- WELL, THANK YOU, SISTER.

- ACTUALLY, WE REALLY DID
LOSE RECEPTION.

- THANK YOU, NATURE.

[laughs]

- YOU'RE LITTERING.
- WHATEVER.

[gunshot]

- [sighs]
JESUS CHRIST.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY
WE HAVE LAWYERS, CHESTER.

- THE REAL SASQUATCH
DOESN'T FOLLOW PROPERTY LINES,

SO WHY SHOULD I?

- I GOT HALF A DOZEN KIDS
COMING HERE LATER;

YOU WANT TO SHOOT THEM TOO?

- JUST GIVE ME 20 MORE MINUTES,
LOU.

THAT'S ALL I NEED.
I'M ON TO A SCENT.

THIS IS THE REAL DEAL.
THE BIG ONE. THE BONA FIDE.

- THE JUDGE SAID NO MATTER
WHAT SCENT YOU DETECT,

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO HUNT MYTHICAL CREATURES

ON THE GROUNDS OF A FAMILY
VACATION DESTINATION, PERIOD.

- I'M NOT IN THIS HUNT
FOR THE KILL, LOU.

I'M IN IT FOR THE VICTORY.
THE BIG V. THE VIC.

- COME IN, AGATHA.

- WHAT'S UP, LOU?
- CHESTER... AGAIN.

- LET ME TALK TO HIM.

CHESTER?
CHESTER?

- WHAT?

- IT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY
OUT TODAY.

DON'T MAKE ME DESTROY YOU.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

LIFE IS FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENTS.
WHAT'S PAST IS PAST.

GET OVER IT
AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

MOTHER NATURE
IS YOUR ONLY WOMAN NOW.

DON'T PISS ME OFF.

I WILL GET THE COPS INVOLVED
AGAIN, MM-HMM.

GO HOME.

- A WOMAN ON THE RADIO
IN THE GENTLE FOREST SILENCE.

IT'S LIKE DIARRHEA
IN A KIDDIE POOL.

- THANK YOU.

- GROW A PAIR, LOU.

JUICE HER UP, CHIEF.

YOU ARE ALL MY BITCHES.

YOU'RE MY BITCH,
YOU'RE MY BITCH...

YOU ARE MY BITCH.

- * HERE WE GO

*

* MAGNUM LOVE

*

* MAGNUM LOVE

* MAGNUM

* I LIKE BREAKING BEDS

* I LIKE FIERY RED HEADS

*

[guitar solo]

* MAGNUM LOVE

* I'LL GIVE YOU
THE MAGNUM LOVE *

* MAGNUM, MAGNUM LOVE

- SAY, THANK YOU.

- HOUSTON, I HAVE A BONER.

- I WANT TO GET HER
ON MY WATER BED

AND PART HER RED SEA
LIKE MOSES.

- NICE.

- I JUST WANT TO POUND HER
IN THE BUTT.

- THERE WE GO.
- THAT'S WEIRD, MAN.

- ENJOYING THE SHOW, BOYS?

- SPEAKING OF RED SEAS.

- MY LENIENCY HAS LIMITS.

GO.

JOHNNY, HI.
- HEY.

- SAY, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,

THERE WERE SOME PROBLEMS
WITH YOUR START PAPERWORK.

- DID YOU WRITE THAT FORM?
- NO.

- 'CAUSE THAT'S A REALLY
CONFUSING FORM.

- YEAH--NO, I KNOW.

- NO, IT'S, LIKE, LITERALLY
ANOTHER LANGUAGE AT SOME POINTS.

- I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU

MEET ME AT YOUR CAR TONIGHT
AFTER YOUR SHIFT ENDS

AND WE'LL GO OVER IT
TOGETHER, HMM?

- YOU WANT TO GO OVER PAPERWORK
AT MY CAR?

- YEAH...
MORE OR LESS.

IT'LL BE PAINLESS, I SWEAR.

- SO THIS IS WHERE
THE AMERICAN DREAM DIED.

- OH, BE NICE.

- YOU KNOW WHY THIS PLACE
HASN'T BEEN SUICIDE BOMBED YET?

BECAUSE IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS
TO GET TO.

- LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE;

THIS IS OUR FIRST REAL
FAMILY VACATION, YOU KNOW?

TAKE A LOOK AROUND,
SEE THE SIGHTS.

SAY IT WITH ME...

WE LOVE...

COME ON.

WE LOVE FAMILY--

- IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
TRY AGAIN.

- MAYBE JOHNNY HAS SOME
HOT GUY FRIENDS.

- HOT AND DUMB?
- I KNOW YOUR TYPE.

- WELL, WE CAN ONLY HOPE.

MAYBE AFTER A COUPLE
OF PARTY TREATS,

THIS PLACE MIGHT BE
A LITTLE FUN.

- YOU KNOW, I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU COMING HERE WITH ME TONIGHT.

CAN YOU PROMISE ME
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET TOO TOASTY.

- NO PROMISES.
[laughs]

- MARLA!
- [laughs]

- MARLA, I'M SERIOUS!
- COME ON, SLOWPOKE!

- OH, THERE HE IS.

WHATEVER SHE SAID TO YOU,
NEW GUY, IT WAS A LIE.

DON'T BE FOOLED
BY HER WOMANLY TRICKERY, YO.

SHE'LL SWEETHEART YOUR SOUL DRY.

- I TAKE IT YOU'VE LEARNED
FROM EXPERIENCE.

- ALL RIGHT, SKID MARKS,
SIT DOWN.

FIRST OFF,
SLAVKO WROTE A NEW ROUTINE.

- SON OF A BITCH!
- OH, MY GOD!

- HOLY HUMMUS, LOU.

THAT'S, LIKE,
THE FIFTH ONE THIS SEASON.

- IS IT AS MUCH A LITERARY
MASTERPIECE AS THE LAST ONE?

- I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH TO DO
FIVE DIFFERENT THINGS, LOU.

- FIVE DIFFERENT THINGS?

YOU DON'T EVEN DO ONE THING
EVEN REMOTELY WELL.

ALL RIGHT, RON, YOU'RE FIRST UP.

DAN, YOU ROLE PLAY THE GUIDE.

- COME ON, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE ME
THE GUIDE FOR GOOD,

SO I DON'T HAVE
TO GO THROUGH THIS ANYMORE.

- THAT IS NOT MY CALL.
THAT IS AGATHA'S CALL.

- I'LL BET IF YOU COULD
PROMOTE ANYBODY,

YOU STILL WOULDN'T BE HERE.

- SHUT UP.
GO FUCK YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT, IN THIS SCENE,

BIGFOOT IS A RELUCTANT
SPECIAL BUDDY.

GO.

- OH, HOW LUCKY WE ARE.

A REAL LIVE SASQUATCH.
A FANTASY.

- "O-M-G, AGGS,

"WE, LETTER R,

TOTES HERE!!"

- DID YOU FORGET ABOUT
SIGNAL ALREADY?

- IT SOMETIMES WORKS.

- [laughs]

WE BRING HAPPY AND MAGIC!

- WHO IS THIS GUY?

[patriotic music]

*

- GREAT FOOD--
YOU EAT IT!

[cow mooing]

YOU ARE A COWBOY!

[gunshot, line reeling]

YOU'RE FISHING MAN!

[slide whistle]

YOU ADVENTURE!

[panting]

YOU RELAX.

YEAH.

FROM GULF STREAM WATERS
TO HERE,

UNCLE SLAVKO'S ALL-AMERICAN
FAMILY LODGE

WAS MEANT FOR YOU AND ME.

EXPECT LIBERAL FUN
AT CONSERVATIVE PRICES.

[laughs]

WE BRING HAPPY AND MAGIC

AND AMERICA TO YOU!

*

- "AND WE'LL SHOVE IT
DOWN YOUR THROATS."

- HEY, EVERYBODY'S GOT
TO MAKE A LIVING, OKAY?

[all screaming]

- AGGS!

- LOOK AT YOU FINE BITCHES.
NOT FAIR.

YOU LOOK THE SAME
AS YOU DID IN COLLEGE.

- YOU LOOK BETTER, GIRLIE.
- WHAT?

- NOT FAIR.
- NO, I DON'T...

- YES, YOU DO.
- OKAY, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

PILATES, EVERY DAY,
THEN I JUST--I DON'T EAT.

- OH, WELL--
- IT WORKS.

- JOHNNY IS GONNA BE
SO SURPRISED TO SEE YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA MEET HIM
AT HIS CAR,

WHICH IS PARKED IN THE EMPLOYEE
PARKING LOT JUST UP THE HILL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER MET HIM
UNTIL HE APPLIED TO OUR AD.

SMALL WORLD.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
HOOKING THIS UP.

- OH, PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
CARLA BEAR.

OH, AND--HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU GUYS.

HERE IS YOUR WEEKEND PASS.

- AH!

ONE KEY.

DOES IT OPEN TWO ROOMS?

- I'M SORRY.

MY BOSS WOULD TOTALLY NOTICE
IF ANOTHER KEY WENT MISSING.

BUT YOU DO HAVE A ROOM.

IT'S JUST IN HER ROOM.

- WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE
ANYWHERE NEAR

HER SNUG-A-PALOOZA,

SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE NIGHT
OFF, CUT LOOSE LIKE WE USED TO,

HAVE SOME LAUGHS,
ABUSE SOME POWER.

- I HAVE NO MEMORY
OF THAT TIME.

I WISH I COULD.
I WISH I COULD.

BUT UNTIL 2:00 A.M.,
I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AWAY,

BECAUSE HONESTLY, THIS PLACE
WILL ALL JUST GO TO HELL.

- OHH.

- OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU, DID I?
I'M SOBER NOW.

- CONGRATULATIONS!
- THANK YOU.

- SPEAKING OF HELL,
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

- SINCE A REALLY MESSY,
MESSY NIGHT A WEEK OR SO AGO.

I HAD TO LEARN
THAT SUBSTANCES ALONE

WILL NOT GET YOU
THROUGH HARD TIMES.

- AMEN.

- AND BIGFOOT DOES NOT LOOK SEXY
IN THE MORNING, EVER--EVER.

MAKE HIM TAKE THE COSTUME OFF,
SERIOUSLY.

- [clears throat]

I'M SORRY, MARLY.

BUT THERE IS SATELLITE TV
IN YOUR ROOM.

- SATELLITE TV!
- YAY! WE JUST UPGRADED.

- OH, YAY!

- MOVIE NIGHT.
- YAY.

- TITANIC.
- THANK YOU, AGGS.

- SURE.
- THANKS.

- JADE...

FORGETTING SOMETHING?

- CHIPOTLE RANCH-APENO DIP?

- [sighs]

OUTFIT?

- THIS IS ALL I HAD TIME FOR.

LOOK, I AM SPREAD
REAL THIN RIGHT NOW.

ARMANDO IS OFF SOMEWHERE,

AND THEY ARE OUT OF DOUGHNUTS
AT THE SWIM-UP BAR AGAIN.

YOU WANT TO HELP ME OUT HERE?

- AND IT'S ALMOST TIME
FOR THE DAILY DOUGHNUTS GO NUTS.

I AM SORRY.
BUSINESS, BITCHES.

BACK ON THE CLOCK, GIRLS.
I WILL SEE YOU LATER.

TA-TA, TA-TA.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DOUGHNUTS?

- YOU OWE ME SO BIG.

- I'LL GET YOUR LUGGAGE.

- DAMN, NATURE.

GROSS.

TURN MY DUMB TIME
INTO FUN TIME.

AH, FUCK!

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SWAMPY.

IT'S STILL GOOD.

[grunting]

- BUT WHY CAN'T WE BE
GOOD PALS, MAN APE?

- [groaning]

- LOU, I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.

- RON, THIS IS WHERE YOU ROAR.

[distant shouting]

LOUDER.

[distant shout]

BETTER.
- THANKS.

[distant screaming]

- IS THAT FUCKING WES?
THAT DRAMA QUEEN!

HE'S FINE.
AM I THE ONLY PROFESSIONAL HERE?

- THAT'S WES, YO.

- HE'S NOT MOVING.
- HOLY SHIT.

- OH, GOD. HE'S DEAD.
- DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT.

- CALL IT IN, LOU!
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CALL IT IN?

I'M NOT TAKING THE BLAME

WHEN YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY
ALL IN POSSESSION.

I'M OUT OF HERE.
- WAIT A SECOND.

DRUGS OR NOT,
YOU'RE THE SUPERVISOR,

AND YOU LOST TRACK OF HIM,
SO IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
- THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

- HE CAME OUT HERE ON HIS OWN...
- WE'RE ALL WITNESSES HERE, LOU.

- WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY.
- NO, NO--

IF YOU WOULD'VE DONE YOUR JOB,

NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE
FUCKING HAPPENED!

- JUST CALL IT IN, MAN.
- I'M NOT GONNA CALL IT IN.

I'M NOT TAKING THE BLAME
FOR A BUNCH OF PUNK

WHINY-ASS LITTLE BITCHES.

- WHO YOU CALLING BITCH,
MOTHERFUCKER?

- I'M CALLING YOU A BITCH.
- YOU CALLING ME A BITCH?

- YEAH, YEAH.
- I'LL BEAT THE FUCK OUT--

- TAKE IT EASY!

[voices overlapping]

- STOP IT!
JESUS!

GET OFF!

[all grunting]

- TONIGHT ON THE BLACKCHELOR...

- BITCH, DON'T YOU COME AT ME
LIKE THAT.

YOU DO NOT KNOW ME.

54TH AND CRENSHAW, BITCH, OKAY?

I DIDN'T COME HERE
TO MAKE FRIENDS.

THE BITCH NEEDS TO GO HOME.
AND THAT BITCH TOO.

SEND 'EM ALL HOME.

WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?

- DOES THIS HAVE TO BE ON?

- I NEED TO SEE
IF THIS BITCH GOES HOME.

YOU COULD TAKE A WALK
BY THE CREEK.

- UH, IT'S PROBABLY
JUST AS TACKY.

STUPID SOBER AGATHA.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR.

YOU DON'T NEED ME, RIGHT?
I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU?

- YES, SISTER,
AND AFTER THE WEDDING,

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT ME AGAIN.

- MM, I WILL DRINK TO THAT.

[indistinct chatter
on television]

HAVE FUN WITH YOUR
STUPID-ASS SHOW.

- NO, COME ON, MASTER P-DOG,
SHE'S A SKANK SLUT!

- FELLAS, WHAT THE FUCK?

ARE WE ON BREAK?

JOHNNY, I'M DISAPPOINTED,
FRANKLY.

YOU'RE GONNA FALL IN WITH
THESE LAZY MOTHERFUCKERS?

REALLY?

WHY DON'T YOU GO TOKE UP
WITH WES OVER THERE?

THE WAY HE'S GOING, HE'LL BE
HERE THE REST OF HIS DAMN LIFE!

FUCKIN' LOSER.
I'M SICK OF THIS SH--

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS?

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE...

- [burps]
FUCK.

[patriotic music playing]

- ERNIE.

PHIL, NICE HAIRCUT.
I LIKE THE DIGS.

MM.

[humming]

OH!
- OH, PARDON ME, MA'AM.

- "MA'AM"?
- UH, LITTLE LADY.

- TRY AGAIN.

- HOT MAMA.

- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

HEY, BARTENDER, GET ME
ONE OF THE FOOFIEST DRINKS

YOU HAVE IN THE HOUSE,

AND ONE FOR WHATEVER
THE SEXY BEAST HERE IS HAVING.

- OOH, LOOK AT--
LOOK AT THIS ONE.

SO TELL ME,
WHAT'S--WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- SHAKINA.

- SHAKINA.
LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

- WHAT'S YOURS?
- THEY CALL ME BIG KAHUNA.

- BIG?
- YEAH.

- OH, MY, BUT WHY?

- IT'S BECAUSE I'M BIG...

ON PARTYING DOWN, LITTLE LADY.

SO TELL ME, DO YOU LIKE TO, UH,
TO PARTY?

- OH, IT DEPENDS ON
WHO I'M WITH.

- WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT I THINK--

I THINK WE SHOULD PARTY
TOGETHER.

- AWESOME.

- I MAY JUST BE
A LAID-BACK SURFER DUDE

FROM A TINY CALIFORNIA TOWN,

BUT I'VE GOT THE BOOGIE
INSIDE ME...

- OKAY.

- AND IF YOU WANT TO ROCK AND
ROLL THE GOOD OL' AMERICAN WAY,

JUST COME ON AND SUCCUMB
TO THE KAHUNA.

- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO DUMB.

BUT I AM SO DESPERATE, SO...

[laughter]

- YO, BRANDI.

LET'S GO, BABY.

- SMILE.

- WE'VE GOT SHOWS
AT 8:00 AND 10:30

WITH COMPLIMENTARY
NONALCOHOLIC REFRESHMENTS.

BUT THAT PIC IS GONNA RUN YOU
$9.99.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND MOTHER.

- KAHUNA?
- UH, YEAH?

- NOT YET.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COME BACK TO MY ROOM

AND SHOW ME HOW BIG
YOUR KAHUNA IS?

[laughter]

- TRUTH--TRUTH BE TOLD, MA'AM,

LITTLE--LITTLE KA--

LITTLE KAHUNA DOESN'T PARTY
TO THAT BOOGIE.

- WHAT ABOUT BIG KAHUNA?

- BIG KAHUNA IS GAY.

I'M GAY.

- MM.

- THANKS THOUGH.

CHEERS.
BYE.

- FAREWELL.
- 10:30.

- DID YOU STILL WANT
YOUR SOUVENIR PHOTO?

IT COMES WITH
A DECORATIVE FRAME.

- YES, DAMN IT.
- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, MY GOD.

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A SIGN.

- [laughs]

[Spanish accent] AS FALL WITHERS
THAT WHICH WAS ONCE BEAUTIFUL,

THE CLEANSING SNOW
RENEWS THE EARTH

FOR THE FLOWERS TO BLOOM
ONCE AGAIN.

SO MUST THE ARTIST FOLLOW
DESTRUCTION

WITH INSPIRED CREATION.

- LEATHER JACKET,
BROWN EYES, POETRY...

YOU GONNA TRY
TO SELL ME SOMETHING TOO?

- LIKE A BAD FAKE NAME?

- MM, OH, GOT ME THERE.

MARLA.

- ARMANDO.

- PLEASURE.

SO TELL ME, ARMANDO,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT
BASTARDIZING HISTORICAL

AND CULTURAL FIGURES
OF NATIONAL PROMINENCE,

WHAT DO YOU DO
AROUND HERE FOR FUN?

- WE TAKE MEXICAN SAUSAGE

AND FEED IT TO THE WILD COUGARS.

- [laughs]

- AH, THAT SMILE.

THAT SMILE IS WORTH 10,000
SPILLED FLAMINGO FANTASIAS.

TELL ME, ARE YOU HERE
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND?

- NO.

SISTER.

- UH-HUH.
- SAD, PATHETIC SISTER.

- HMM.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOT TONIGHT.

TONIGHT,
I AM LIVING MY OWN LIFE.

LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCO
SOLO, FO-SHO.

- [laughs]

THAT'S FASCINATING, YES.
- MM-HMM.

- TELL ME...
- HMM?

- JUST HOW LOCO DO YOU
PLAN ON GETTING TONIGHT?

- UH...

MUY.

- [laughs]

MA'AM, SALUD.

- SALUD.

[groaning]

- NOW, BIGFOOT
IS A LARGE MAN APE,

BUT HE IS SMALL IN THE WOOD,
LIKE ACORN.

IN FACT, IT'S VERY RARE
THAT ANYONE WILL--

OH, HELLO, BIGFOOT.

[laughs]

A LITTLE EARLY, RON.

OH, HOW LUCKY WE ARE.

A LIVE SASQUATCH.
A FANTASY!

GET IT TOGETHER, RON.

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, MAN?

- COME ON, KIDS.
LET'S GO.

WE'LL COME BACK WHEN
THEY'VE ACTUALLY REHEARSED.

- WE'RE LOSING THEM.

GET OFF ME, RON!

THAT'S IT,
I'M CALLING AGATHA.

ALL YOUR JOBS ARE TOAST!

- [groans]

- THAT'S FOR BREAKING CHARACTER.

- [groans]

- AND THAT'S FOR STEPPING
ON MY SHOES.

- [groans]

- AND THAT'S FOR THE WORST
TOUR EVER!

I WORK FOR TIPS, ASSHOLE!

- AHH!

- [grunting]

- [screaming]

[screaming continues]

- [speaking in Spanish]

- OH, HELLO, HELLO.

- [speaking in Spanish]

POR AQUI.
- AQUI.

- UH-HUH.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

- LET'S DO THIS, SERIOUSLY.
- LET US DO THIS, PLEASE.

- WHOO!

- SURPRISE, JOHNNY.

SO YOU NEVER FOUND OUT
THAT AGATHA AND I

WENT TO COLLEGE TOGETHER, HUH?

- [grunting]

- BABY, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T WANT
ME TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS JOB,

BUT I DON'T THINK LESS OF YOU.

IN FACT, I'M PROUD OF YOU,

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU'RE DOING
FOR OUR FUTURE.

BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO TAKE OFF
THE MONKEY SUIT.

- [panting]

[grunts]

JOHNNY?

JOHNNY, ARE YOU OKAY?

[screaming]

[grunting, screaming]

[glass breaks]

- [laughs]

WHOO!

GETTING A LITTLE ROWDY THERE,
HUH, PARTNER?

- WELL, IF YOU COULD STRETCH
LIKE A BRAZILIAN,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO.

- I'M AMERICAN.

- LISTEN, OKAY;

I KNOW THE LAYOUT OF THIS ROOM
PRETTY WELL, OKAY?

WORK WITH ME, CHICA.

- "CHICA"?
- MM-HMM.

- EW.
- WHAT?

- DID YOU JUST PLAY ME?

- UM, HONESTLY, I JUST KIND OF
WAITED UNTIL I COULD WIN.

- OH, OH,
DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?

SOMEBODY RANG THE ASSHOLE BELL.

YOU KNOW, YOU THINK
YOU'RE ALL RICO SUAVE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT, YOU LOTHARIO.

YEAH, I SAID IT--
LOTHARIO.

AND YOU THINK THIS WHOLE PLACE

IS JUST YOUR PERSONAL
HUNTING GROUND,

AND ITS CUSTOMERS YOUR PREY?

- YEAH.

- [panting]

[screams]

[groans]

[all panting]

- [screams]

- [screams]

[panting]

[all panting]

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH, PUT YOUR HANDS UP
SO WE CAN PARTY DOWN!

HEY!

HELLO, LADIES!

[dance music playing
in distance]

*

WE'RE SO HAPPY ALL YOU
SMILING FAMILIES

CAN JOIN US HERE TONIGHT!

[dart wisps through air]

IN FACT, THE BOSS MAN HIMSELF,

UNCLE SLAVKO AND HIS WIFE
MARIANNA THANK YOU.

- WELCOME TO UNCLE SLAVKO'S
ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY INN.

HAVE A GREAT TIME, HUH?

- BEHOLD,

THE MODERN MAN,

TOO HIP TO SEDUCE UNIRONICALLY,

AND PROBABLY A SISSY PANTS.

- OKAY, THIS IMMEDIATELY
HAS BECOME

MUCH MORE HASSLE
THAN WHAT IT'S WORTH.

CLEARLY YOU CAN'T HANDLE
YOUR LIQUOR.

YOU'RE JUST SCREAMING
"DESPERATE."

AND YOU'RE KIND OF A BITCH.

THERE'S A SAYING
WHERE I COME FROM:

DON'T STICK YOUR DICK
IN CRAZY.

- [laughs]

- BUT LET'S--LET'S KEEP THIS
PROFESSIONAL, OKAY?

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR STAY HERE

AT UNCLE SLAVKO'S
ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY LODGE.

DON'T FORGET TO PAY YOUR TAB.

- YEAH, WALK AWAY FROM
WHAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE.

MACHO.

NACHO.

[cheers and applause]

- * WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE
A VICTORY *

* WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

[music stops]

[all screaming]

- [screams]

- PLEASE, PLEASE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU KNOW THERE ARE NO REFUNDS!

- SLAVKO, DID YOU WRITE
A NEW SCENE?

- NO, I DID NOT WRITE
A NEW SCENE.

AGATHA!

[car door slams,
tires squealing]

- BRANDI!

[screaming]

- GO, GO, GO!

[all grunting]

- [screaming]

- A LITTLE HELP HERE!

- [all groaning]

- [screams]

- [sniffs]

- WAIT!
WAIT!

WE HAVE VOUCHERS!

[yelling indistinctly]

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

[sighs]
YOU!

YOU CAN JUST CLEAR OUT YOUR
LOCKER RIGHT NOW--

[screaming]

[cries]
GIVE IT BACK!

[screaming]

- ARE YOU REAL?

EW.

OH, GROSS.

YOU GUYS ARE NASTY.

OH--SERIOUSLY?
THAT'S THE SECOND TIME TONIGHT.

GET OFF ME, YOU PERV!

[grunts]

DRINK THIS, ASSHOLE!

- [gulping]

- [sighs]

THIS PLACE IS RIDICULOUS!

SLAVKO!

SLAVKO...

- YEAH.
- RIGHT--

A, YOUR BARTENDER
IS A SISSY PANTS,

AND, TWO, ONE OF YOUR MONKEY MEN
JUST ASSAULTED ME,

AND I AM GOING TO SUE YOU UNLESS
YOU GIVE AGATHA THE NIGHT OFF.

- AGATHA IS...

DONE FOR THE NIGHT.

- WHY DO YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT?

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- THE BIGFOOT KIDS--
THEY CRASHED OUR SHOW.

CRYSTAL'S DEAD.

- WHO?
- CRYSTAL!

- AND AGATHA TOO, PROBABLY.
- WHAT?

- IT'S LIKE, THEY DIDN'T EVEN
CARE WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

- OH, MY GOD, CARLA.

WHERE--WAIT--
WHERE'S MY SISTER?

DOES ANYONE KNOW
MY SISTER CARLA?

SHE WENT TO GO SEE
HER BOYFRIEND JOHNNY.

WHERE'S JOHNNY?

I SCREWED UP.
OH, I SCREWED UP BIG.

I SHOULDN'T--OH--
- NO, NO, NO, NO--

- MY SISTER'S OUT THERE!

- LOOK, YOU LITTLE DRUNK...
VALUED CUSTOMER...

OKAY, IT SUCKS THAT
YOUR SISTER'S OUT THERE,

BUT IF YOU OPEN THAT DOOR,

YOU DESTROY ANY SAFETY
THAT WE GOT.

- SHE NEEDS ME.
- NOT DEAD.

- VALUED CUSTOMER, I INSIST THAT
YOU SIT AND SIGN RELEASE FORM!

- WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A DEEP BREATH,

SIT DOWN, AND WAIT IT OUT.

STOP.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK
TO YOUR FRIEND IN THE PANTRY,

RICKY RETARD-O?

LET ME SIGN THAT RELEASE FORM
FOR YA.

- HEY!

- WHO'S IN THE PANTRY?

- [humming dance beat]

- DOC?

- [continues humming]

[knocks on door]

DOC!

- OH, HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON?

- I'M GUESSING NOT.

[panting, whacking]

- [gasps]

- OH, YOU'RE UP.

- WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M CHESTER.

- OH, MY GOD.

JOHNNY--

- UH, CHESTER.

- MY FIANCE, JOHNNY--
- VENISON?

- NO, THANK YOU.

- OH.

- HOW DID I EVEN GET HERE?

- WELL, I COULDN'T LEAVE YOU
RUNNING AROUND

IN THE DARK LIKE THAT,

SO I SHOT YOU.

UH, SORRY.

- THANK YOU...

I GUESS.

- IT WAS THE BEST WAY
TO KEEP YOU SAFE.

- SO YOU SAW THEM?

- THE BIGFOOT KIDS?
ABSOLUTELY.

I PICKED UP THEIR TRAIL JUST
OUTSIDE SLAVKO'S PROPERTY.

I DIDN'T SEE WHERE
THEY CAME FROM,

BUT THEY'RE HEADED
STRAIGHT FOR THE LODGE.

- [gasps]

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO THEM, DO YOU?

- NO.

BUT WHATEVER IT IS,
IT'S REALLY BAD.

- ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY--OH, WHOA.

REALLY?

REALLY.

- EXCUSE ME, SHAKINA.
- WHAT?

- BOSS' ORDERS.
- HUH?

WAIT, DID YOU--WHOA.
- WATCH IT.

- WHOA, WHERE--YOU REALLY
THINK THAT'S NECESSARY?

- YOU KNOW, THE FACT YOU DON'T
WORRIES ME.

LET'S GO.

- DAMN IT!

- HERE.
- [sighs]

- YOUR SISTER--
WHERE WAS SHE?

- SHE WAS GONNA GO
FIND HER BOYFRIEND

BY HIS CAR
IN THE EMPLOYEE LOT.

- [inhales]

HMM.
COME WITH ME.

THIS WINDOW IS HIGH AND SAFE.

IF YOUR SISTER COMES BACK,
SHE'LL PASS BY HERE.

- REALLY?

THAT'S CRAZY HELPFUL.
THANKS.

SO...

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS PLACE?

I TAKE IT YOUR HUSBAND'S
NOT A LOCAL.

- MM-MM.

CAME OUT HERE YEARS AGO,
FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.

- HMM.

- NOBODY IN THIS TOWN THOUGHT
THIS PLACE WOULD SURVIVE.

BUT HE REALLY PUT ALL HE HAD
INTO IT.

I KNOW THE EMPLOYEES
TREAT IT LIKE TORTURE,

BUT TO SLAVKO, IT REALLY IS
A LITTLE SLICE OF HEAVEN.

- SOUNDS LIKE THE AMERICAN DREAM
IN ACTION.

HAPPINESS, PROSPERITY, FREEDOM.

- DREAMS OF FREEDOM.

[electricity crackling]

- [screaming]

[sizzling]

[telephone rings]

- 911. STATE YOUR EMERGENCY.

- IS SLAVKO OVER AT UNCLE
SLAVKO'S ALL AMERICAN FAMILY--

- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY, RUSSKI?

- NOT FROM RUSSIA--CROATIA.

- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY,
COMRADE?

- I HAVE EMPLOYEES,
AND, UH...

THEY ARE FIGHTING.

- A PUBLIC DISTURBANCE
AT YOUR PLACE AGAIN?

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?

ANOTHER VODKA-DRENCHED
WEDDING RECEPTION?

- NO, NO, NO.

IT IS AN UNFORTUNATE
CIRCUMSTANCE--

- AH, WE'LL SEND
THE USUAL CRUISER.

OH, AND THANKS AGAIN FOR OPENING

THAT GODFORSAKEN
PIECE-OF-SHIT TOURIST TRAP

IN THIS OTHERWISE
RESPECTABLE TOWN.

PRAY SOMEONE ANSWERS A LINE

THE DAY THAT PLACE BURNS DOWN,
YANKO.

- JUST AS THINGS
ARE GETTING GOOD,

SHE TELLS ME SHE'S 17.

I SAID, "THAT'S OKAY,
I KNOW THE SHERIFF."

- DISPATCH,
CALLING CAR 17.

- GO AHEAD, PATTY.

- SLAVKO'S GOT ANOTHER
RUCKUS ON HIS HANDS.

- OF COURSE HE DOES.

[sighs]

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
- THANKS.

- SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
- GOOD LUCK, GUYS.

[engine turns over]

[siren wails]

- HI--

[groans, whimpers]

- MAKE ONE GRUNT,
AND YOU'RE JERKY.

- HEY, DUDE, SIR, PLEASE--

I'M SORT OF DOING
THAT WHOLE, "GOT LOST,

TAKING A SHORTCUT HOME"
THING RIGHT NOW.

CAN I PLEASE USE YOUR PHONE,
PLEASE?

- I HEAR YOU BIGFOOT BOYS
ARE RAMBUNCTIOUS TONIGHT.

- FROM WHO, THE TALKING
WOODLAND CREATURES?

- FROM ME.

- OH.

EW, GROSS.

- IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

- WHATEVER.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I'M CARLA.
THIS IS CHESTER.

- I LIVE HERE.
- HI.

I'M DAN.
CAN I COME UP NOW?

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FRIENDS
ARE UP TO?

- YEAH, MY FRIENDS ARE BIGGER
DUMBASSES THAN USUAL

AFTER THEY ALL FELL IN THE POND.

- YOU SAW THEM?

YEAH.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

OH, YEAH, YOU TOO, WES?

ALL RIGHT, YOU DICK.

YEAH?

ANYTIME YOU GUYS WANT TO TAKE
THIS JOB SERIOUSLY,

YOU GIVE ME A CALL.

SO I'M GOING HOME,
BUT GET THIS--

HOLD ON, IS THAT JERKY?

- WELL, APPARENTLY THEY'RE
WORSE THAN THAT NOW.

HER FIANCE NEARLY KILLED HER.

- HE WASN'T GOING
TO STOP AT SCRATCHES.

- SO CALL THE COPS AFTER I CALL
MY MOM--I MEAN, MY RIDE.

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY
COME WITH ME.

I HAVE A WATERBED.

A VERY SAFE WATERBED.

- KID, I'M AN ANGRY OLD MAN

WHO LIVES IN A SHACK
IN THE WOODS.

I DO NOT HAVE A PHONE.

- WHAT ELSE IS AROUND?

NOTHING AND NOBODY.

- AND IF DAN CAN FIND US HERE,

THEN WHAT WOULD STOP THEM
FROM FINDING US HERE TOO?

- YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

IMPORTANT PEOPLE ARE GONNA NEED
TO TALK TO YOU.

- I'M SURE THEY'LL
FIGURE IT OUT.

- NO, THEY WON'T.

WE'RE GOING BACK
TO THE LODGE.

- OKAY, HAVE FUN.

- OH, YOU'RE COMING WITH US.
- UH, PASS.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE ABOUT
OR LOVE ANYBODY THERE.

- ETERNAL GRATITUDE.

- YOU'RE NOT AS PRETTY
AS YOU THINK.

- DAN...

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT
TO BE HERE ALONE, DO YOU?

- NO.

GUARANTEE MY SAFETY.

- NO.

- GUARANTEE ME
A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

DON'T MAKE OUT WHILE I'M GONE.

- I KNOW A WAY BACK.

STAY QUIET AND CLOSE,
AND WE'LL MAKE IT.

- WHAT ABOUT THE BIGFOOT GUYS?

[gun clicks]

- I'VE TAKEN OUT LARGER GAME
THAN AN ANGRY BOYFRIEND.

- THINK MAYBE IT'S RABIES?

- MAYBE IT'S SATAN.

- OH, MAYBE IT IS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD BURN
THE PLACE DOWN IN HIS HONOR.

- DON'T YOU DARE!

- HEY, HOW DID THAT GIRL
GET RID OF RON?

- UH, SHE GOT HIM DRUNK,
I THINK.

- WELL, LET'S DO THAT
TO THE REST OF 'EM.

- YEAH, LET'S DO THAT.

LET'S GO MAKE A BIG BARREL
OF LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS,

AND YOU CAN JUST
HAND 'EM STRAWS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE YOU COULD BRING
YOUR OWN IDEAS TO THE PARTY

INSTEAD OF JUST CRITICIZING
EVERYBODY ELSE'S.

- OKAY, I HAVE AN IDEA:

IT'S TO SIT HERE QUIETLY UNTIL
THE COPS COME AND DO THEIR JOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS?
IT'S EASY.

- AND IN THE MEANTIME,
YOU CAN WALK AWAY

FROM ANYTHING THAT'S
TOO DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.

[siren wails]

- THE BOYS IN BLUE!

- WELL, THIS IS NEW.

TYING ONE ON TONIGHT, EH, KID?

- ALL RIGHT,
UP AGAINST THE TRUCK.

- [grunts]
- HEY!

[spraying]

- [screaming]

[distant screaming]

- OH, MY GOD, IT'S THEM!

- IT'S A GOD DAMN
TWEAKER PARTY.

- [retching]

- [screaming]
- HEY!

[gunshots]

- [groaning]

[gunshots]

- [screaming]

I CAN'T SEE!

[screaming, crying]

- OH, FUCK.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- THEY'RE COMING.
OPEN THE DOORS!

- NO--NO, NOT YET.

- [grunts]

- GOD DAMN SWAMP--OH!

- [screaming]

[screaming, grunting]

- OH, MY GOD.

I'M GONNA DIE HERE

IN THIS CRAZY PLACE
WITH ALL THESE WEIRD PEOPLE,

AND MY ONLY SISTER LOST IN THE--

- MARIANNA,
YOU STUPID HOT CRAZY BITCH.

- I'M WILLING TO BED
YOU KNOW HER.

- MARLA...

- DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT?

- I'D LIKE TO THINK
I KNOW MY SISTER PRETTY WELL.

- WHAT DID SHE SAY?

- THE FRONT DOOR
IS ALL LOCKED UP,

AND SHE WANTS US TO GO
UP THE STAIRS TO THE SIDE DOOR.

- THE ONE THAT'S ALL BOARDED UP.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY DON'T
WE CHECK OUT THE CREEPY NOISE

IN THE BASEMENT?
- SHH.

- DON'T YOU SHUSH ME.
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- TIME TO SHIT
OR GET OFF THE POT.

- GUYS, COME ON.
MY MOM'S, LIKE, SO CLOSE.

[sighs]

- HEY. HEY!
- HEY YOURSELF.

- WHAT IN THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING?

- MY SISTER'S OUT THERE
WITH SOME PEOPLE.

WE NEED TO LET THEM IN,
SO HELP ME, DAMN IT.

- HELP YOU?
GET US ALL KILLED? NO.

MARLA--MARLA, THAT STAIRCASE
IS TOO HIGH PROFILE.

COME ON, WE CAN LET 'EM
IN THE BACK.

- THERE'S NO TIME.
- THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.

WE DON'T WANT TO DIE
BECAUSE OF YOU.

- FINE, FINE.

CALL IT.
- WHAT?

- CALL IT.
- HEADS.

NO, NO, NO--
TAILS, TAILS, TAILS!

[groaning]

- [grunting]
- JESUS!

[electrical crackling]

- [grunting]

[rattling]

- HEY, HEY, HEY.
TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY.

[gunshot]

- CARLA, COME ON!

- THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?

LOOKING FOR EXTRA MONEY?

THIS IS MY LIFE!

WHAT THE FUCK?

- IT'S STUCK.
HOLD ON.

- SHIT!

- [screaming]

- OH, SHIT!
OH!

[grunting]

[screaming]

- [squeals]

- HI-FUCKIN'-YA!

BALLS.

UH, NEVER MIND.

- DAN!
- DAN, GET IN!

- GET IN, GET IN, GET IN.
- CLOSE IT, CLOSE IT.

- [grunts]

- GO, GO.

[distant growling]

- IT'S OKAY.

HOW DID YOU GET BACK?

- THIS IS CHESTER.

HE SAVED MY LIFE.

HE KNEW ABOUT THIS BACK TRAIL,

BUT HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW
WHERE TO LOOK FOR US?

- THIS LADY.

SHE REALLY KNOWS HER WINDOWS.

- I GOT MORE BAD NEWS.

JIM LANDED ON THE SATELLITE.
WE GOT NO PHONES.

- WHAT?
NO PHONES!

NO PHONES AT ALL?

- [humming dance beat]

EVERYONE ALL RIGHT?

WELL, IF WE'RE SAFE
FOR A MOMENT,

I'VE GOT SOME STUFF
YOU ALL SHOULD HEAR.

SO...

PIE IN FIVE?

[humming dance beat]

- IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THAT?

- THEY GOT AGGS.
- AGGS?

- SO THAT MEANS WE CAN'T RELY
ON ANYBODY BUT EACH OTHER.

SO IF, GOD FORBID,
WE GET SEPARATED AGAIN,

I NEED YOU TO FIGHT
AND KICK AND SCREAM

UNTIL I COME AND GET YOU,
OKAY?

- SHIRAZ.

- DID YOU JUST SAY "SURE AS"?

- NO, SHIRAZ.
SHE'S ON THE BLACKCHELOR.

SHE KEEPS IT ONE HUNDY,
AND CALLS THE OTHER GIRLS OUT

FOR NOT BEING IN THE HOUSE
FOR MASTER P-DOG.

- WHAT?

- SHE'S THE H.B.I.C.

HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE.

- RIGHT, THAT.

OKAY, YEAH.

- WORD.

- WAIT, ARE WE ON THE SAME PAGE?

- WELL, ALL RIGHT.

THANKS FOR COMING.
HOW'S THE PIE?

LET'S DO THIS.

THE REASON
FOR THE BOYS' PHYSICAL

AND NEUROLOGICAL MUTATIONS

IS A SUPER COCKTAIL
OF HAZARDOUS WASTE

THAT IS ALTERING
THEIR VERY DNA.

YOU KNOW, I FOUND TRACES
OF MEDICAL WASTE,

IN ADDITION TO MILITARY WASTE,
PHARMACEUTICAL WASTE,

HEAVY METALS, ACIDS, PESTICIDES,

AND SOME SORT OF BACTERIA THAT
ACTUALLY THRIVES IN PESTICIDES.

IT'S GIVING THEM, LIKE,
PLUS-25 STRENGTH AND ENDURANCE.

THEY HAVE SENSITIVE BEAST-LIKE
HEARING AND SMELL,

YET THEIR TOUCH AND TASTE
HAS DIMINISHED.

VISUAL INTERPRETATION
IS STAGGERED,

WHICH MEANS THEY FIND IT EASIER
TO TRACK A MOVING TARGET

THAN A STILL ONE.

- LIKE JURASSIC PARK.

- THE--HMM.

THEIR ATTENTION SPANS ARE LOW.

OUT OF SIGHT,
OUT OF MIND, IT SEEMS.

ALSO THEY'RE NOW EATING
HUMAN FLESH.

[all groan]

- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

- ONE EXPLANATION IS THAT

THERE'S A HAZARDOUS WASTE
DUMPING GROUND UP AT THE SWAMP.

- WHY, I AM VERY UPSET!

WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

THAT IS MY PROPERTY,
AND I WILL--

I WILL FIND OUT
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE

FOR WHATEVER ALL THAT HAPPENS
OR--OR TURNS OUT TO BE.

- HOW DO WE TAKE THEM DOWN?

- MASSIVE BODY AND HEAD TRAUMA.

BUT I'D LIKE TO AVOID THAT.

- ARE THERE ANY WEAKNESSES
WE CAN EXPLOIT?

- WELL, KIND OF.

THE OOZE IS OVERLOADING
THEIR CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEMS

AT AN ALARMING
EXPONENTIAL PACE.

- EXPONENTIAL?

- INDEED, BRANDI.

IN ADDITION TO THEIR
PHYSICAL MUTATIONS,

THE BOYS ARE ONLY GOING TO GET
MEANER AND FASTER, QUICKER,

UNTIL, UH, YEAH,
THEIR BRAINS BLOW UP.

- [gasps]
- AWESOME.

- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT WEAKNESS.
- HOW LONG UNTIL THAT HAPPENS?

- UH, HOURS--
LESS THAN 12, BUT MORE THAN 5.

- CAN WE HELP THEM?
HEAL THEM?

- THAT, I DON'T KNOW YET.

RON'S BLOOD
IS TOO SATURATED IN ALCOHOL

TO GET A VALID BREAKDOWN
OF WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.

- MY BAD.
- MM-HMM.

HOWEVER, IF WE HAD A PURE SAMPLE
OF THE OOZE FROM THE SOURCE,

I COULD ANALYZE IT

AND FIND THE IDENTITY
OF THE UNKNOWN SEVENTH TOXIN,

THEN I COULD SYNTHESIZE
A SIMPLE BREAKDOWN COMPOUND.

- YOU CAN DO THAT HERE?

- INDEED.

- UH, HI.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT;

SO OUR OPTIONS ARE
TO EITHER RISK OUR LIVES

FOR A SOLUTION
WHICH MAY NOT WORK

AND INCLUDES RUNNING
IN THE DARK WOODS

WITH MONSTERS,

OR WE CAN JUST SIMPLY
WAIT IT OUT HERE

TILL THE THREAT JUST DISAPPEARS?

- WE DON'T NEED
ANY MORE BAD PRESS.

WE ALREADY HAVE DEAD POLICE
IN DRIVEWAY.

IF THEY CAN BE MADE
TO BE NORMAL,

THEY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR TONIGHT, AS THEY SHOULD.

- I MEAN, REALLY?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
MONSTERS HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO BE THE ONE

RUNNING AROUND
WITH THOSE THINGS?

- ALL RIGHT, HEY, TIME-OUT,
OKAY, PEOPLE.

AT THIS POINT,
THESE GUYS ARE MONSTERS

WHO WANT TO KILL AND EAT US.

AND THEY CAN SOON
EASILY BE DEAD.

WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE TO THIS?

- I DON'T WANT TO MARRY
A DEAD MONSTER.

- I DON'T WANT A DEAD ME!

THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE OUT THERE,
AND THEY NEED OUR HELP.

EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT YOUR FAMILY
OR FRIENDS, THEY'RE SOMEONE.

- YOU'RE GONNA KILL MORE PEOPLE
THAN YOU'RE GONNA SAVE.

THAT'S HOW THESE THINGS
ALWAYS GO.

- ALL IN FOR A SWAMP TREK?
- REALLY?

- SINCE WHEN IS THIS
A DEMOCRACY?

- SINCE AMERICA.

- THIS IS WHERE DAN
FOUND THE BOYS INITIALLY,

SO IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE
NEAR THE SOURCE.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THE
TRAIL NORTHEAST TO GET THERE.

- BUT HOW DO WE GET PAST
THE BIGFOOT KIDS.

- WELL, THAT'S WHERE
THE DISTRACTION COMES IN.

WE NEED SOUND AND MOVEMENT
TO OCCUPY THEM

WHILE THE TASK FORCE
COMPLETES ITS MISSION.

- I GOT YOU COVERED.

- NO.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN
DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

- IT'LL BE FINE.
HEY, I PROMISE.

HEY, HEY, I COULD REALLY USE
A DANCE PARTNER RIGHT NOW.

OKAY?

- DAN, PUT THE PIE DOWN.

- WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE
I'M INVOLVED IN THIS?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE POINT MAN.
YOU KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING.

- THE HELL I AM.
SHIT.

USE YOUR MAP, ALL RIGHT?

HOW MANY OF YOU PASSED
FIFTH GRADE?

GO TO THE SWAMP.
IT SAYS "SWAMP" RIGHT THERE.

GO TO THAT.
THAT AREA, MORE OR LESS.

- IT'S MORE OR LESS
A PRETTY BIG PLACE.

- HEY, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I DON'T WORK FOR YOU,
YOU CREEPY MOUNTAIN MAN.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,
I SAID IT, OKAY?

SLAVKO, YOU KNOW
I'M A TEAM PLAYER,

BUT IF I'M GONNA DO THIS,

I NEED A PROMOTION NEXT SEASON
PLUS COMPANY GOLF CART.

- YEAH.

- FINE THEN.

AT LEAST I GOT SOMETHING
OUT OF TONIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT,
WE'VE ALL GOT WORK TO DO.

LET'S DO IT.

YOU ALWAYS WERE RESOURCEFUL.

- WITH LIMITED MEANS,
YOU HAVE TO IMPROVISE.

- WELL, YOU HAVEN'T HAD LIMITED
MEANS FOR A WHILE NOW, HAVE YOU?

- EVERYONE HAS TO SURVIVE,
CHESTER.

SOME OF US AREN'T AS GOOD
AS YOU ARE ALONE IN YOUR SHACK.

- SO THINGS GET TOUGH,
AND YOU JUST LEAVE.

- THINGS GOT TOUGH
AND YOU LET ME GO.

YOU NEVER CAME BACK
FOR ME, CHESTER.

THAT'S WHY...

I NEVER RETURNED.

WE HAD LOVE, BUT SOMETIMES
IT'S JUST NOT FATED TO LAST.

- I NEVER GAVE UP.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T THINK YOU DID EITHER.

YOU PUT THAT GIRL'S SISTER
AT THAT WINDOW

BECAUSE YOU KNEW
THAT I WAS COMING BACK FOR YOU.

- [sighs]

- IN THE NIGHT,

WHEN YOU'RE GONE--

- CHESTER, DON'T.

- YOU GOT TO FIND THE STRENGTH
TO CARRY ON.

COME THE MORNING,

YOU KNOW I'LL COME BACK
FOR YOU...

both: * BABY,
THOUGH YOU'RE MILES AWAY *

* YOU KNOW I'LL NEVER
LET THE LOVE GO *

* HOLD ON

* HOLD ON UNTIL THE DAWN

[knock on door]

- IT'S TIME.

- I MIGHT HAVE LEFT YOU ONCE.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

PROMISE.

HERE...

AS A LAST RESORT.

YOU LET GO JUST ONCE,
IT COULD BE FOREVER.

- I DON'T PLAN ON IT.

[dance music playing]

*

- [squeals]

[groaning]

*

- OH, MADONNA.

[groaning]

*

- FULL HOUSE.

REPEAT: FULL HOUSE.

- FOR THE RECORD,
THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.

- GO TIME.
- LET'S GO.

- BE CAREFUL.

- IT'S OKAY.

[door slides, closes]

- CAN'T I AT LEAST GET A WEAPON?

- SHUT UP, DAN.

- YOU SHUT UP.

TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
ALL THE TIME.

CAN'T BELIEVE I'M RISKING MYSELF
FOR YOU PEOPLE.

WHO AM I, A SAVIOR?
MAYBE I AM.

- SHH.
SHUT UP.

[dance music playing]

*

[monsters groaning]

- [speaking indistinctly]

- THIS IS THE SWAMP.

SEE, IT'S RIGHT WHERE IT WAS
ON THE MAP.

- [sighs]
SHH.

A GOOD SPOT RIGHT HERE.
HEY, HEY.

- WHAT?

THAT'S MY ONLY WEAPON.

- SHH!

- DAN, SPREAD OUT
AND KEEP WATCH.

- YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT.

[dance music continues]

- HOW MUCH LONGER?

- JUST KEEP DANCING, B-TRAIN.

DANCE LIKE LIVES DEPEND ON IT.
- OKAY.

*

- [growling]

- JAR.

- YOU ALMOST DONE?

- WHAT, YOU IN A HURRY?
- YES.

- ALL RIGHT.

[monsters growling]

*

- [screams]

[music stops]

- WATCH WHERE YOU ARE DANCING,
YOU CLUMSY GIRL.

CAN'T YOU WATCH
WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- I WAS WATCHING!
- YOU NEVER LISTEN TO NOBODY!

NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[distant guttural roar]

- WHAT IS THAT?

- HOLD UP.

HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

- WHAT IS IT, CHESTER?

- IT'S SOMETHING.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- SHH, JUST HOLD ON.

- COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S GET BACK TO THE LODGE.

- DAN, THIS ISN'T A JOKE.

- WHY, 'CAUSE WE'RE DOING
SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT HERE?

- SHUT UP, DAN.

- HEY, DON'T YOU TELL ME
TO SHUT UP.

I'M TIRED OF BEING THE ONLY ONE
WHO DOES ANYTHING AROUND HERE.

I THREW JIM OFF THE ROOF.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

WHINED A LOT
AND GOTTEN SOME SLIME.

AND YOU, MISTER CREEPY
MOUNTAIN MAIN, HUH?

"DELIVERANCE" ONLY HAS
TRANQ DARTS AT A GUN FIGHT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING
OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SUCK.

I'M DOING THIS ALL
FOR A GOD DAMN SHORT BITCH

WHO'S BLOND
AND THINKS SHE'S ALL THAT.

SHE'S AN IOWA 4,
A NEW YORK 2 AT BEST.

- DAN, MOOSE!

- [grunting]

- [groans]

[gunshot]

- LET'S GO, CHESTER.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

[thud]

[roaring]

- YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.
YOU NEVER LISTEN!

- KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE KAHUNA, BOYS.

YOU ALL TOTALLY DIG ME.

BIG KAHUNA IS THE MAIN MAIN.

OH, NO.

OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- SEE, HE DOESN'T EVEN
WANT TO WORK WITH YOU!

- WE'LL LOSE HIM IN THE RIVER.

[screams]

[groans]

[chomping]

[groaning]

[glass clanks]

- THEY'RE BACK,
BUT CHESTER'S DOWN.

- [groans]

[birds squawking]

- SHIT, THIS IS BAD.

[gunshots]

- WATCH THE DOOR.

- NO, WATCH THE DOOR.

- CARLA, LET ME GO OUT.
YOU'VE BEEN OUT THERE ENOUGH.

- NO!

- LET'S GET HIM INSIDE!

- NO DAN?

- HERE, TAKE THIS--FUCK.

SHIT, JUST GO.
GO, YOU GUYS, GO.

[gunshots continue]

- GOD DAMN IT.

[birds squawking]

- NOBODY WALKS OUT
ON THE KAHUNA!

HA!

[wings flapping,
birds squawking]

- [groaning]

[electricity crackling]

[dramatic music]

*

- [roars]

- * UNCLE SLAVKO'S
AMERICAN FAMILY LODGE *

* COME FOR THE FOOD-A

* STAY FOR THE KAHUNA

- STAY WITH ME, CHESTER.

- [gasping]

I'M WITH YOU.

- OKAY.

- [moaning]

- PUT SOME PRESSURE
RIGHT THERE.

- [panting]

I'D RATHER REGRET
A FIGHT I LOST...

THAN ONE I WALKED AWAY FROM.

HOLD ON...

TILL THE DAWN.

- IS HE...

- YEAH.

- [cries]

OH...

NO!

OH, NO!

[sobbing]
NO!

- [cries]

- UM, THE SAMPLE?

- JADE WENT LOOKING.

- MAYBE SHE FOUND IT.

WE CAN'T GIVE UP NOW.

IF WE FIND HER,
SHE COULD HAVE IT.

I SAW WHERE SHE WENT.

- THINGS HAVE JUST GOTTEN
SUDDENLY WORSE.

MARLA, WILL YOU SHUT HER UP,
PLEASE?

- I COULD DO IT WITHOUT YOU.

IF YOU COULD JUST DANCE
ONE MORE TIME,

AND THEN I COULD GO OUT

AND I COULD FIND WHERE SHE WENT.

- NO.

NO!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...

- I CAN STILL DO IT.

WE COULD DO IT.

OH, MY GOD.

- WE'VE DONE ALL WE COULD,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

- THANK YOU.

- I AM NOT AGREEING WITH YOU.

I'M CONCEDING TO THE SITUATION.

JOHNNY DOESN'T KNOW
WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE, CARLY.

HE COULD BE GONE,
AND WE CAN'T CHANGE THAT.

- NO. NO!
- WE NEED TO SAVE OURSELVES.

- DON'T FEED ME THAT BULLSHIT!

YOU JUST DON'T WANT HIM
TO STEAL ME AWAY FROM YOU,

'CAUSE THEN
YOU'RE GOING TO REALIZE

HOW MUCH YOUR LIFE
WOULD SUCK WITHOUT ME.

- MY LIFE WOULD SUCK?

HE'S TAKING YOU
TO GOD DAMN REDDING

TO OPEN UP A HOT ROD
AUTO BODY SHOP.

YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER
THAN THAT.

- I DESERVE LOVE.

AND IF YOU EVER BOTHERED
TO LOOK FOR IT

INSTEAD OF FUCKING
EVERYTHING IN SIGHT,

THEN YOU'D REALIZE THAT
IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

- HE'S GONE, CARLA.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

[sniffles]

FINE...

I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T KNOW
WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW,

SO THERE'S NO POINT
EVEN FIGHTING WITH YOU.

- YOU KNOW VERY DAMN WELL

THAT I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO LOSE SOMEONE.

- THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP?

- [mouthing words]

ALL RIGHT?

- SO WE GOT TO CUT
CHESTER'S HEAD OFF.

- WHAT?
- YEAH.

- [gasping]

- WELL, NO--LISTEN;
JUST CALM DOWN.

DOC, A BITE MEANS INFECTION,
RIGHT?

- I DON'T--

YOU KNOW, YEAH, SURE, WHATEVER.

- LEAVE CHESTER ALONE.
HE'S NOT A ZOMBIE!

- HE'S SOMETHING, PROBABLY.

I MEAN, TONIGHT'S BEEN
A FUCKING SHIT SHOW,

AND NOW THE REST OF THE FOREST
IS AFTER US.

WHY ARE YOU ARGUING WITH ME
FOR THINKING SAFE?

- HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

HE DESERVES TO BE BURIED
IN THE LAND THAT HE LOVED.

- HE WAS A SIMPLETON
AND A COWARD.

OH!

YOU--YOU STAND UP FOR HIM NOW,

BUT WHEN WAS HE EVER THERE
FOR YOU, HUH?

ALL THOSE YEARS.

AND WHERE WERE YOU THEN?

WHERE WERE YOU THEN?

- REALLY?

GONNA LOCK HIM IN THE WOOD
CUTTIN' ROOM,

SO EVERYBODY KNOWS.

JESUS CHRIST.

[knock on door]

- HEY, CARLY BEAR.

- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY
HE WAS REALLY HERE, MARLA?

HE ALREADY HAD ENOUGH MONEY
FOR HIS SHOP.

HE TOOK THIS JOB
SO THAT HE COULD PUT DOWN

ON THE HOUSE IN BAY VIEW.

- YOU MEAN THE ONE
NEXT TO MOM?

- I WANTED TO TELL YOU
TOMORROW...

WITH HIM.

HE KNEW HOW IMPORTANT
FAMILY WAS TO US,

AND HOW YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

HE'S HERE TRYING TO MAKE
A BETTER LIFE FOR US.

NOW HE'S A MONSTER
BECAUSE OF IT.

- I NEVER SAID
I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY
ABOUT ME ANYMORE.

- CARLY--
- NO.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

JUST GET OUT.
- CARLY--

- GET OUT!

NOW!

- DON'T GET CRAZY, GIRLS.

NOW'S NOT THE TIME
TO GET CRAZY.

SORRY, DAD.

- SO HOW LONG
UNTIL THE MELTDOWN?

- I'D BE SURPRISED
IF THEY MAKE IT TO BRUNCH.

- ARE THERE ANY GUESTS
COMING IN TOMORROW?

- OAKRIDGE SCHOOL
FOR DEAF CHILDREN.

- THAT'S GONNA BE
AN INTERESTING MORNING.

- MEN.

- HUH.
- HEY.

- HEY.
- HOW'S YOUR SISTER?

- GOOD.
SHE'S--SHE'S GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

- YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY
THERE ARE NO REAL PROBLEMS,

ONLY OPPORTUNITIES
IN DISGUISE.

- OH, I IMMEDIATELY REGRET
ASKING THAT QUESTION.

- OKAY, LOOK; I'M ONLY
IN THIS FOR JOHNNY, OKAY?

THERE STILL HAS TO BE
SOME CLEVER LOW-RISK WAY

TO KEEP HIM ALIVE,
RIGHT, DR. LINCOLN?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

[scoffs]

MY NAME IS DOUG.

- OKAY, DOUG.

- JUST TOO NICE.

- YOU KNOW HOW I GOT THAT GUY
ALL DRUNK ON TEQUILA?

HE'S OUT.

SO WHY DON'T WE SOAK
A BUNCH OF STEAKS IN 151

AND THEN GET THE BOYS WASTED,

AND THEN WE CAN THROW THEM
IN THE FREEZER IN THE KITCHEN

AND THEN WE'LL WAIT FOR SCIENCE
TO DEAL WITH IT LATER.

THAT SOUNDS EASY.

- YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT.

COMBINE GRAIN ALCOHOL
AND OPEN THE DOORS.

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL WINNER.

- OKAY, THEN JUST JOHNNY.

OR JUST HIS HEAD.

I MEAN, SCIENCE CAN DO A LOT

WITH JUST A HEAD
THESE DAYS, RIGHT?

- LIKE YOU KNOW
WHAT SCIENCE NEEDS.

[scoffs]

I'M IN THE WRONG PLACE,
WRONG TIME, WRONG JOB.

I HATE THIS PLACE.

CARLA, YOUR SISTER IS SAYING
SOME PRETTY IGNORANT THINGS

ABOUT...

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

- IN CHESTER'S JACKET.
WHAT IS IT?

- OH! OH!

COME HERE, COME ON,
COME HERE, COME ON.

- GOD DAMN IT, MARLA,

YOU ARE SYMPATHIZING
WITH MONSTERS.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

- SOMETIMES BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING
TO HELP THEM,

BUT THEN SOMETIMES THE UNIVERSE
SAYS, "YES, YOU CAN.

HERE'S THE OPPORTUNITY.
ARE YOU GONNA TAKE IT?"

WELL, I CAN'T NOT TAKE IT.
- JUST DROP IT.

- YOU CAN'T JUST DROP
A STATE OF EMERGENCY, ARMANDO.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP
ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
PLAYING IT SAFE

AND BEING A GOD DAMN COWARD.

- WHOA!

- YEAH, AND THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN LIVING AND DYING.

- I WILL DO ANYTHING THAT
IT TAKES TO PROTECT MY FAMILY.

THAT IS MY SISTER.

- KEEPING HER ALIVE WOULD BE
NOT GOING OUT THERE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU PROTECT YOUR FAMILY IN
THE SELFISH WAY THAT YOU DO IT,

AND I'M GONNA PROTECT
THE FAMILY THAT I HAVE

IN THE WAY THAT I DO IT,

AND THAT IS BY PROTECTING THEM,

AND NOT BEING
A FUCKING LITTLE PUSSY.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

HATE TO BREAK UP THE LOVE FEST,
BUT I GOT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS THE ORGANIC STRUCTURE
FOR TOXIN SEVEN.

- IS THAT WHAT WE WERE
LOOKING FOR IN THE SWAMP?

- IT'S MORE.
IT'S BETTER. IT'S PRECISE.

- HA!

HA-HA, HA!

SUCK IT DOWN, COWARD.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

- LISTEN, I AM KIND OF RUNNING
ON FUMES RIGHT NOW,

SO I CAN MAKE THE ANECDOTE,

BUT ADMINISTERING IT
IS GONNA BE YOUR RISK ALONE.

- NO.
- HMM?

- NO.

IT'S OUR RISK TOGETHER.

- OH, GOOD.

GOOD, OKAY, GOOD.

- I'M SORRY.

[computer keys clacking]

- ALL RIGHT,
THAT SHOULD BE EVERYTHING.

- YOU'RE SO SMART.
WHY ARE YOU WORKING HERE?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
THE ECONOMY, AND--

ALL RIGHT,
CLOCK SAYS A COUPLE HOURS.

- HOW MUCH DO THEY GET?

- OH--

A FULL 100 CCs

SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO COUNTERACT
THE BOYS' PHYSICAL TOXICITY.

- WHAT ABOUT SHOULD WE GET BIT?

- SAME AMOUNT COULDN'T HURT.

- [laughs]

YOU'RE A HERO THEN, HUH?

BRAVO, HUH?

- THANK YOU.

[clears throat]

- YOU ARE SO SMART!

COME, SLEEP.

- MM.
- COME.

- GOOD NIGHT, DR. LIN--
UH, DOUG.

- [laughs]

HEY, BOSS,

I CANNOT, IN GOOD FAITH,
LEAVE THIS UNATTENDED.

YOU KNOW, THE NOTES ALONE
ARE WORTH A HEFTY PRICE

TO ANY NUMBER OF PARTIES.

NOT TO MENTION, THEY HOLD
VITAL INCRIMINATING CLUES

TO WHO HAS BEEN DUMPING
ON YOUR LAND.

- MM, SO THIS IS GOOD THEN, HUH?

- HMM?

- YOU STAY, BE ALERT.

DO NOT BE TIRED.

I GET COFFEE FOR YOU
TO STAY AWAKE, HUH?

- COFFEE.

- [laughs]
BRAVO, HUH?

MM.
- YES.

- [clicks tongue]
- WHOO.

- I CAN TAKE HER
FROM HERE ON OUT.

- NEED ANYTHING?

- NO.

SORRY, I--

BOBBY VOLPRIK.

THAT IS THE NAME
OF THE BULLY AT MY SCHOOL

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

HE USED TO GET OFF
ON BEATING KIDS UP.

NOT ME.

I JUST WOULDN'T RESPOND
TO ANYTHING HE DID, YOU KNOW.

[laughs]

UNTIL ONE DAY,
HE GOT SO FRUSTRATED

THAT HE RUSHED ME
IN GYM CLASS,

AND ALL I DID WAS
STEP OUT OF THE WAY.

SLAMMED HIS FACE
RIGHT INTO THE BLEACHERS.

HE NEVER MESSED WITH ME AGAIN.

- HMM.

- I SOLVED THAT PROBLEM,

AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO
A THING.

THAT IS NOT COWARDICE.

THAT IS PLAYING TO WIN.

I KNOW YOU CAN'T JUST
SHY AWAY FROM DISASTER,

BUT THROWING YOURSELF
IN HARM'S WAY MAKES NO SENSE.

- SOMETIMES WHAT MAKES SENSE
JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

- IT'S SO DUMB.

- RESPONSIBILITY IS DUMB.

- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- HUH?

- AND YOU'LL BE HONEST WITH ME?

- OF COURSE.

- [sighs]

[laughs]

I THINK I'M GETTING A PIMPLE.

- WHAT?

- IT'S, LIKE--
IT'S GONNA BE BIG.

I CAN FEEL IT JUST KINDA--
- OH, NO, FOR REAL?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- I HATE WHEN THEY CREEP UP
ON YOU LIKE THAT.

BUT, YEAH, I CAN SEE IT.
IT'S GONNA BE A MONSTER.

- [Spanish accent] WILL THE
HORRORS OF THE NIGHT EVER END?

[laughter]

- I'M SORRY I KICKED YOU
IN THE BALLS.

- THANKS.

- BET YOU'LL NEVER LOOK
AT QUARTERS THE SAME.

- NEVER GONNA LOOK AT YOU
THE SAME.

- YOU TWO--
YOU TWO GO TO SLEEP.

I AM FIRST WATCH.

- UH, DO YOU WANT ANY COFFEE?

- YEAH--
NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, THANK YOU.
I AM FINE.

- IT'S ALL YOURS.

- I FINE.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.

[bird cawing]

[cawing continues]

[crashing, clanking in distance]

[glass breaks in distance]

- [sighs]

[piano keys being plucked]

- YOU GUYS, REHEARSAL
ISN'T UNTIL LATER.

[sighs]

*

[squeaking, squawking]

- OH, NO, NO, NO!

- [roars]

- [screaming]

- MA?

WHERE--UH...

WHERE--

- [screaming]

[screaming]

[gagging]

[gulping]

- [groans]

- OKAY.

[muttering]

- [grunts]

OF COURSE IT'S LOCKED.

[grunts]

[glass breaks]

- DR. LINCOLN!

- SOMEBODY TOOK THE ANECDOTE.

YOU NEED TO FIND IT,
GET IT TO THE POLICE.

- GOD, YOU GOT TO GET OUT
OF THERE.

- NO TIME.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

- COME ON.

- [grunts]

- OH, THAT WAS A REAL MEAN ONE.

- ASSHOLE!

[screams]

BASTARD!
YOU COWARD!

YOU LEFT US TO DIE!

- MARIANNA, THERE IS MUCH
EVIDENCE AGAINST ME.

NO, NO--EVEN IF I DID NOT
LEAVE LIKE THIS,

I WOULD LEAVE SOON ENOUGH
FOR JAIL.

- OH, SO THESE ARE
YOUR DUMPING GROUNDS.

- WELL--

- WHAT DO YOU CHARGE
TO POISON THE SWAMP

WITH YOUR ILLEGAL WASTE?

ENOUGH TO SELL OUT
YOUR EMPLOYEES

AND YOUR FRIENDS
AND YOUR WIFE?

- NO, NO, I MADE THOSE MONEYS
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

- TO SHINE YOUR TROPHY!

- I DO NOT NEED
TO HEAR THAT FROM A WOMAN

WHO LOVED ME OUT OF CONVENIENCE.

YOU TOOK MY MONEY, ATE MY FOOD,
AND SLEPT UNDER MY ROOF,

AND NEVER DID YOU LOVE ME
LIKE HIM.

HOW CAN I ABANDON YOU

WHEN YOU NEVER
GAVE YOURSELF TO ME?

HUH?

I OWE YOU NOTHING.

GO AND JOIN YOUR CHESTER.

- I JUST MAY.

[screaming]

- [squawks]

[screams]

- OH, NOW, NOW, NOW,

NO, NO, NO, MARIANNA, DARLING,
PLEASE, PLEASE LET US TALK.

UH, I--

I KNOW WE GOT OFF
ON THE WRONG FOOT, BUT--

BUT WE CAN FIX OUR LOVE, HUH?

HUH?

WE CAN--THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO
IN THE GOLF CART, HUH?

- EVERYTHING YOU DID YESTERDAY
WAS TO COVER YOUR OWN GUILT

OR RUIN CHESTER'S LIFE.

YOU'RE A SELFISH, GREEDY MAN.

- I AM A CHANGED MAN.

LOOK, PLEASE PUT DOWN THE BOMB.

- OH, YOU'LL NEVER CHANGE.

AND I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.

- HEY, YOU TWO!

- THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US.

THERE IS NO NEW--

- [gasps]

[explosion]

[squawking]

- [sneezes]

- [screams]

- WELL, HOWDY.

- YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO GET THAT.

GET--GET--AHH! GO!

[gunshot]

[bubbling]

- ARE YOU OKAY?

OKAY, COME ON, COME ON.

- OKAY.

- [screams]

- MONEY, SCIENCE CRAP.

UH--SYRINGE.
- SYRINGE.

- ANECDOTE.
- OH, MY GOD!

[electricity crackling]

- [yells]

- [grunting]

- [groaning]

- WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T NOT DO THIS.

- WHAT?
- GO, GO!

HEY, BIG GUY!

COME ON!

BIG...

DISGUSTING...

UM, SICK...

[yelling indistinctly]

SUCKER!

WE LEFT IT UP?

- [groans]

- [screaming]

[electricity crackling]

- OH, SHIT.

- [screams]

- MARLA, STAY THERE!

[grunts]

AHH!

- [screaming]

- SHIT.

IT'S OKAY.

- [grunts]

- [screams]

- [screams]

- [grunting]

- [screams]

- 54TH AND CRENSHAW, BITCH!

I DIDN'T COME HERE
TO MAKE FRIENDS!

- CARLA, COME ON!

- [screams]

- [screams]

[electricity crackling]

- [groaning]

- IS THAT THE REAL BIGFOOT?

- OH, YEAH.

- [screams]

- WHERE WAS HE YESTERDAY?

- [roars]

- NO, NO, NO, NO...

- YO, WHERE'S SHE GOING?

- NO!

JOHNNY!

OH, JOHNNY, JOHNNY!

- [gagging]

- [roars]

- OH, COME ON.

- [roars]

- NOW I'M PISSED OFF.
GOD DAMN NATURE.

OH, WHY AM I EVEN
SURPRISED ANYMORE?

- WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO HOPE

THAT BIGFOOT CAN DEAL
WITH ALL OF THIS?

- OH, NO.

I'VE GOT WAY TOO MUCH
PENT-UP AGGRESSION

TO LET YOU FUCKS OFF EASY.

- [screeches]

- YOU WANT TO GO?
LET'S GO!

- [roars]

- UH, THIS IS GONNA GET GROSS.

- [squawking]

- LET'S DO THIS.

FOR FAMILY.
- FOR LOVE.

- FOR REDEMPTION.

- [screams]

- SAY IT WITH ME, SIS...

both: WE LOVE FAMILY VACATION!

- * OH, YEAH

* I DIDN'T COME HERE
TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WELL, I CAME FOR
THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* OH, YEAH

* YOU DIDN'T COME HERE
TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WELL, YOU CAME FOR
THE ROCK AND ROLL *

[guitar solo]

*

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME,
I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS
OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME,
I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS
OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

*

- [panting]

- BABE?

- SURPRISE!

- WHAT?

[police radio chatter]

- EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
OKAY NOW, JOHNNY.

- YOU TWO MIND TELLING ME
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

- UH, WELL, ACTUALLY...

THIS COULD SAY A LOT MORE
THAN I COULD EVER TELL YOU.

- YOUR FOREST--
IS IT FUCKED?

- E.P.A.'s ALREADY FLYING IN,

AND WITH THESE NOTES, I THINK WE
GOT A HANDLE ON THE SITUATION.

JUST DON'T GO FISHIN'
FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON.

- YEAH.

- I THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE SENSE
THAN TO COME BACK HERE.

- SO DID I.

- I THINK I KNOW
WHY YOU DID IT.

- WHY'S THAT?

- BECAUSE SOMEONE RANG
THE AWESOME BELL.

- [laughs]

- [Spanish accent]
THAT SMILE IS WORTH...

1,000 DEAD WOODLAND CREATURES.

- [laughs]
OH, MY GOD.

I THINK WE DESERVE
A REAL VACATION.

- HOW ABOUT BRAZIL?

- HOW ABOUT PUERTO RICO?

- HOW ABOUT
WE TALK ABOUT IT LATER?

- OKAY.

- * WOULD YOU,
WOULD YOU LOVE ME, BABE *

* IF I TALKED TOO MUCH
AND FUMBLED YOUR NAME? *

* AND WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU

- MA'AM, PLEASE STAY STILL.

- PLEASE SHUT UP.

- * FOR A NIGHT OF GAME

* AND WOULD YOU
AT THE END OF THE PARTY *

* COME TO THE DISCO BALL
WHERE WE ALL ARE STARS? *

* WOULD YOU THEN DRINK WITH ME
A WHISKEY OR TWO? *

* WOULD YOU PRETEND TO?

[dramatic music]

*

- * OH, YEAH

* I DIDN'T COME HERE
TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WELL, I CAME FOR
THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* OH, YEAH

* WE DIDN'T COME HERE
TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WE CAME FOR
THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME,
I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS
OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME,
I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS
OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* SO WHAT YOU WORKING WITH?

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON,
WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* I SAID, WHAT YOU
WORKING WITH? *

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON,
WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

*

* BRA OFF, PARTY ON

*

* BRA OFF, PARTY ON

*

* OH, BABY, BABY,
WON'T YOU COME TO ME? *

* YOU KNOW I KNOW HOW
TO PLEASE *

* OH, BABY, DON'T BE
A T-T-TEASE *

* WHIP 'EM OUT,
LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK,
WITHOUT A DOUBT *

* BRA OFF, PARTY ON

* ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

* SAID, OH, YEAH

* I DIDN'T COME HERE
TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* I CAME FOR
THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* OH, YEAH

* YOU DIDN'T COME HERE
TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* YOU CAME FOR
THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME,
I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS
OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME,
I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS
OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* SO WHAT YOU WORKING WITH?

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON,
WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* I SAID, WHAT YOU
WORKING WITH? *

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON,
WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* OH

* YEAH

* OH

* BREAK IT DOWN

* OH, AH

* OH, AH

[guitar solo]

* OH, AH

* ALL RIGHT, WHIP 'EM OUT,
LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK

* OH, YEAH, GIRL,
AND GET THAT BRA OFF *

* WE GET THE PARTY ON

*

* SO, UH, WHIP 'EM OUT,
LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK,
WITHOUT A DOUBT *

* WE GET THAT BRA OFF

* WE'LL GET THE PARTY ON

*

* SO WHIP 'EM OUT,
LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK,
WITHOUT A DOUBT *

* WE GET THAT BRA OFF, GIRL

* WE GET THE PARTY ON

*

* SO WHIP 'EM OUT,
LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK,
WITHOUT A DOUBT *

*

- [roars]