Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,074
20 million years ago,
2
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,077
an apelike creature
inhabited the earth.
3
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,580
[also sprach zarathustra
playing]
4
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,104
and the ape stood
and became man.
5
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:03,623
rrr!
arrgh!
grr!
rrugh!
6
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:26,146
ahh...
ahh...
ahh...
7
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:55,675
the greatest calamity
that could befall early man
8
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:58,178
was the loss of fire.
9
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,181
fire--the mysterious phenomenon
that cooked his food,
10
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,184
heated his cave,
and kept him alive.
11
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,187
if he could not
start a fire,
12
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,190
he and his
would surely die.
13
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,213
even in most primitive man,
14
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,716
the need to create
was part of his nature.
15
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,718
this need, this talent
16
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,721
clearly separated
early man from animals,
17
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,724
who would never
know this gift.
18
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,230
and here, in a cave
19
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,732
somewhere in
the north american continent
20
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,734
about 2 million years ago,
21
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,737
the first artist was born.
22
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:19,259
and, of course,
with the birth of the artist,
23
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,762
came the inevitable
afterbirth...
24
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,764
the critic.
25
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,784
in the year 1 million bc,
26
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:48,288
it is thought the first
homo sapien marriage occurred.
27
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:02,302
it was shortly followed by
the first homosexual marriage.
28
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:10,310
one of the first weapons
man invented
29
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,312
was the spear.
30
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:13,813
[pfftt!]
31
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,316
[pfftt!]
32
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:34,834
aah!
33
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,340
aah...ah ah...
34
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,853
ohh...ah--
35
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:56,856
in ancient times,
man was ignorant
36
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,859
as to the cause
and nature of death,
37
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:03,863
so death was greeted
with a certain degree of awe.
38
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,366
aw...
aw...
aw...
aw...
39
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,868
bungwa.
40
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,871
but because man
did not have the time
41
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,873
for complicated rituals,
42
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,376
funeral services
were often brief.
43
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,378
aah!
aah!
aah!
44
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,379
[thud]
45
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,880
[ptooey]
[ptooey]
46
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,386
even in early man,
47
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,390
the need to laugh was vital
for emotional survival.
48
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,904
rrrr!
49
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,410
aaaghh! aah!
50
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,412
ha ha!
ha ha!
ha ha!
51
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,922
aahhhh!
52
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,925
music began
long before it was formalized
53
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,927
into notes and phrases.
54
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:11,431
for mankind, it began
with an accident.
55
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,434
goonga heard the sound
and liked it.
56
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,437
goonga begged gowi
to repeat the beautiful scream,
57
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,439
but gowi could not.
58
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,441
so goonga
thought and thought,
59
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,943
and finally
he found the answer.
60
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,447
ahha aha ah--
61
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,950
aaahhh--
62
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:35,955
aah ah ah ah!
63
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,958
aaahh--
64
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,460
aaahhh!
65
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,462
aahahah!
66
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,464
wooh ahhh...
67
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,968
and so, music was born.
68
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,970
## hallelujah ##
69
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,972
## hallelujah ##
70
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,475
## hallelujah, hallelujah ##
71
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,976
## halle-lu-jah! ##
72
00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,480
## owh owh owh owhh! ####
73
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,487
moses went to the mountain,
74
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,489
and god spoke unto him.
75
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,993
moses, this is the lord,
thy god,
76
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,496
commanding you
to obey my law!
77
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,498
do you hear me?
78
00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:21,501
yes, i hear you,
i hear you.
79
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,003
a deaf man
could hear you.
80
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,505
what?
81
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,006
nothing. forget it.
82
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,009
oh, lord, why have you
chosen me?
83
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,012
what would you
have me do for you?
84
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,515
i shall give you my laws,
85
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:38,518
and you shall take them
unto the people.
86
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,019
yes, lord!
87
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,522
[thunder]
88
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,524
wow!
89
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,532
lord, i shall
give these laws
90
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,534
unto thy people.
91
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,036
hear me! oh, hear me!
92
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,038
all pay heed!
93
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,041
the lord,
the lord jehovah,
94
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,545
has given unto you
these 15--
95
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,548
oy!
96
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:13,553
10, 10 commandments
for all to obey!
97
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,564
rome--vortex
of modern civilization.
98
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,567
rome--fountainhead
of culture.
99
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,570
rome--blazing pronouncement
100
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:34,073
of mankind's
most glorious achievements.
101
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:40,580
all right, now.
columns, columns!
102
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,583
columns! columns!
get your columns here!
103
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,585
ionic, doric, corinthian!
104
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,588
put a few columns
out in front,
105
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,090
turn any hovel
into a show place!
106
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,593
columns! sir,
don't touch
the merchandise!
107
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,595
all right, now.
columns, columns!
108
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,598
haircut, shave,
shampoo...bloodletting!
109
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,601
sooths! soothsaying!
get your sooth said right here!
110
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,604
i can tell the future!
you, sir!
111
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,607
for a wee fee
of two drachmas,
112
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,610
i can tell you
your future!
113
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,613
ha! yes, yes!
i see, i see!
114
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,617
i see that
you are going on
a l0-o-ong journey!
115
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,620
yes. you, sir,
are going to rome!
116
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,622
but i amin rome!
117
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,123
do i lie?
118
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,125
no!
no!
ha ha!
119
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:29,128
ah ha! sooth, sooth!
we give great sooth!
120
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,630
ha ha ha!
121
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,132
chariots! used chariots!
122
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,135
low mileage!
they're great!
123
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,154
i'm very excited
about it.
124
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:58,157
it's a new concept.
it's called a centerfold.
125
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,159
ha ha!
ha ha!
126
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,661
plumbing!
127
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,162
plumbing!
128
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,164
plumbing here!
plumbing!
129
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,166
yes, citizens,
plumbing!
130
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,169
it's the latest invention
to hit rome!
131
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,673
it moves water
from one place to another!
132
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,675
it's astounding,
it's amazing!
133
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,677
get on the bandwagon!
134
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:21,681
pipe the shit
right out of your house!
135
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,683
plumbing! plumbing here!
136
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,686
plumbing!
brand-new invention!
137
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,696
occupation?
138
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,197
gladiator.
139
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,199
did you kill
last week?
140
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,200
no.
141
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,203
did you try to
kill last week?
142
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,204
yeah.
143
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,207
this is your last week
of unemployment insurance.
144
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:52,211
either kill somebody,
or we'll have to
change your status.
145
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,713
sign here.
146
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,269
next!
147
00:12:00,269 --> 00:12:01,470
occupation?
148
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,222
standup
philosopher.
149
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:04,223
what?
150
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,225
standup
philosopher.
151
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,729
i coalesce the vapor
of human experience
152
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,732
into a viable
and logical
comprehension.
153
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,734
oh! a bullshit artist!
154
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:17,734
mmmmmm...
155
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:20,403
did you bullshit
last week?
156
00:12:20,403 --> 00:12:21,738
no!
157
00:12:22,238 --> 00:12:24,624
did you try to
158
00:12:24,624 --> 00:12:26,242
yes!
159
00:12:26,242 --> 00:12:27,710
comicus!
160
00:12:27,710 --> 00:12:30,413
comicus! comicus!
161
00:12:30,413 --> 00:12:32,331
back in the line!
162
00:12:32,331 --> 00:12:35,251
he's not in line.
he's my agent, swiftus.
163
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:38,254
good news!
i just got you a job!
164
00:12:38,254 --> 00:12:40,890
now you won't be
needing this.
165
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,759
wait a minute!
that's mine!
166
00:12:42,759 --> 00:12:44,761
i'm on my wine break!
167
00:12:44,761 --> 00:12:45,762
[smash!]
168
00:12:45,762 --> 00:12:47,230
ooh ooh oo!
169
00:12:48,765 --> 00:12:50,266
doppess!
170
00:12:50,266 --> 00:12:53,569
i almost had
the money in my hand.
171
00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:55,271
i like that.
172
00:12:55,271 --> 00:13:00,276
i bust my anus
to get you a job,
and you're angry?
173
00:13:00,276 --> 00:13:02,278
you are nuts,
n-v-t-s, nuts!
174
00:13:02,278 --> 00:13:04,113
ok. what's the job?
175
00:13:04,113 --> 00:13:06,783
just the best gig
in rome,
176
00:13:06,783 --> 00:13:09,786
a date that every
standup philosopher,
including socrates,
177
00:13:09,786 --> 00:13:11,287
would die for.
178
00:13:11,287 --> 00:13:15,291
believe it or not,
you're going to play
caesars palace!
179
00:13:15,291 --> 00:13:16,959
the main room?
180
00:13:16,959 --> 00:13:18,294
the main room!
181
00:13:18,294 --> 00:13:19,796
groovus!
groovus!
182
00:13:19,796 --> 00:13:23,800
let's not be late!
the show starts
in an hour!
183
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,268
the main room!
184
00:13:25,351 --> 00:13:27,804
10, 10, 10.
20, 20, 20.
185
00:13:27,804 --> 00:13:30,306
30, 30, 30.
40, 40, 4o.
186
00:13:30,306 --> 00:13:32,308
do i hear 50?
187
00:13:32,308 --> 00:13:33,309
50!
188
00:13:33,309 --> 00:13:35,311
sold for 50 libra!
189
00:13:35,311 --> 00:13:36,813
oh, no!
190
00:13:36,813 --> 00:13:38,314
come here, you!
191
00:13:38,314 --> 00:13:40,316
the slave auction
is over!
192
00:13:40,316 --> 00:13:42,819
take these rejects
to the colosseum!
193
00:13:42,819 --> 00:13:44,821
sell them
for lions' bait!
194
00:13:44,821 --> 00:13:46,322
no!
no!
no!
195
00:13:46,322 --> 00:13:48,825
wait a minute!
wait a minute!
196
00:13:48,825 --> 00:13:50,827
what is this
with lions?
197
00:13:50,827 --> 00:13:53,329
i cannot go
to the lions
198
00:13:53,329 --> 00:13:55,331
because
i happen to know
199
00:13:55,331 --> 00:13:57,884
that the lions
only eat christians!
200
00:13:57,884 --> 00:14:00,336
i am a jew, jewish person.
201
00:14:00,336 --> 00:14:03,840
i can prove it.
watch this. look out.
202
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,842
## havah nagilah, havah ##
203
00:14:06,342 --> 00:14:07,343
## nagilah, havah ##
204
00:14:07,844 --> 00:14:10,096
## nagilah, vaynism' chayh ##
everybody!
205
00:14:10,346 --> 00:14:11,848
## havah nagilah, havah ##
206
00:14:11,848 --> 00:14:13,349
## nagilah, havah ##
207
00:14:13,349 --> 00:14:14,984
## nagilah, havah-- ####
208
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,903
now, hold it!
209
00:14:16,903 --> 00:14:18,855
i'm jewish,
i'm telling you!
210
00:14:18,855 --> 00:14:21,357
call the temple,
call the rabbi,
211
00:14:21,357 --> 00:14:23,860
call sammus davis jr!
call sammus!
212
00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:26,863
he'll vouch for me.
we are tight.
213
00:14:26,863 --> 00:14:28,364
jewish, huh?
214
00:14:28,364 --> 00:14:31,367
he missed.
i jumped, and he missed.
215
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:34,253
it was his first day.
he was nervous.
216
00:14:34,253 --> 00:14:36,873
i got an appointment
for thursday.
217
00:14:36,873 --> 00:14:39,876
he'll give me a local,
bup, i'm out!
218
00:14:39,876 --> 00:14:41,878
get him out of here!
219
00:14:41,878 --> 00:14:45,381
you could make
a lot of money with me!
220
00:14:45,548 --> 00:14:47,884
wait a minute.
money? come here.
221
00:14:47,884 --> 00:14:49,385
how?
222
00:14:49,385 --> 00:14:52,388
i'm very entertaining.
i got special talents.
223
00:14:52,388 --> 00:14:54,390
i'll show you.
i need sand.
224
00:14:54,857 --> 00:14:55,608
what?
225
00:14:55,892 --> 00:14:57,894
sand.
you're standing on it.
226
00:14:57,894 --> 00:15:02,064
get the sand.
what the hell's
the matter with you?
227
00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:03,399
thank you.
228
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,402
yes. a little sand
on the stage
229
00:15:06,903 --> 00:15:09,906
for the native
shim-sham sand dance.
230
00:15:09,906 --> 00:15:12,408
look out.
i'm going to start.
231
00:15:22,919 --> 00:15:24,420
## bop a do ba bow ##
232
00:15:24,921 --> 00:15:26,722
born to do it!
233
00:15:26,722 --> 00:15:28,925
ha ha ha!
ha ha!
234
00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:32,929
hey, what
country you from?
235
00:15:33,429 --> 00:15:34,430
ethiopia.
236
00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:36,432
what part?
237
00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:39,435
125th street.
238
00:15:39,936 --> 00:15:41,437
ha ha!
ha ha!
239
00:15:41,821 --> 00:15:43,439
i'll sign him.
240
00:15:44,941 --> 00:15:46,442
the big turn.
241
00:15:49,028 --> 00:15:52,031
## and that's the ethiopian...
shim-sham! ####
242
00:15:52,031 --> 00:15:53,950
ooh!
ahh!
243
00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:55,451
he's great!
244
00:15:55,952 --> 00:15:57,370
he's good!
245
00:15:57,370 --> 00:15:58,955
the kid
is wonderful!
246
00:15:59,455 --> 00:16:00,873
neigh!
247
00:16:00,873 --> 00:16:02,291
[thump!]
248
00:16:02,291 --> 00:16:04,460
go on, lazy brute,
get up!
249
00:16:04,961 --> 00:16:06,462
you're costing me
good money!
250
00:16:06,963 --> 00:16:07,964
oh!
oh!
251
00:16:07,964 --> 00:16:09,348
oh!
oh!
252
00:16:09,348 --> 00:16:11,968
please! stop it!
the poor thing's
in pain!
253
00:16:12,468 --> 00:16:15,471
out of the way,
or you'll get
the same!
254
00:16:15,972 --> 00:16:17,440
no! you mustn't!
255
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,474
aah!
256
00:16:18,975 --> 00:16:20,977
hey! hey!
what, are you crazy?
257
00:16:21,477 --> 00:16:22,478
aaugh!
258
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,481
whoa! ohh!
259
00:16:25,982 --> 00:16:26,949
oh!
260
00:16:26,949 --> 00:16:28,985
ohh! oww! mmm!
261
00:16:29,485 --> 00:16:30,486
little shot.
thanks.
262
00:16:30,987 --> 00:16:31,988
oh, thank you.
263
00:16:32,488 --> 00:16:35,491
he was beating that
poor, exhausted horse.
264
00:16:36,492 --> 00:16:37,960
oh, gee.
265
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,495
oh, he's not
exhausted.
266
00:16:39,996 --> 00:16:42,081
here's
the problem.
ahh!
267
00:16:42,081 --> 00:16:43,582
see?
268
00:16:43,582 --> 00:16:44,884
neigh!
269
00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:48,504
come on, boy.
you can get up.
come on, fella.
270
00:16:49,005 --> 00:16:50,006
neigh!
271
00:16:50,506 --> 00:16:52,725
yay!
yay!
272
00:16:57,513 --> 00:17:00,516
wait a minute.
i know this horse.
273
00:17:00,516 --> 00:17:04,520
he used to be
the fastest horse
at the chariot races.
274
00:17:05,021 --> 00:17:07,023
his name is miracle.
275
00:17:07,023 --> 00:17:08,024
neigh!
276
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:11,527
miracle? oh, what
a beautiful name!
277
00:17:12,028 --> 00:17:13,529
what's yours?
278
00:17:13,529 --> 00:17:17,533
miracle--uh, comicus.
i'm a standup
philosopher.
279
00:17:17,616 --> 00:17:21,037
oh, i'm miriam.
i'm a vestal virgin.
280
00:17:21,037 --> 00:17:24,040
i'm really sorry
to hear that.
281
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,042
i work at the palace.
282
00:17:26,258 --> 00:17:28,044
we're going to
be there!
283
00:17:28,044 --> 00:17:29,545
really? aah!
284
00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:31,013
whack!
285
00:17:31,013 --> 00:17:32,048
aaarugh!
286
00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:33,049
wow!
287
00:17:33,049 --> 00:17:35,051
put her there, pal.
288
00:17:35,051 --> 00:17:37,053
man,
you saved my life!
289
00:17:37,053 --> 00:17:40,056
i'm comicus,
standup philosopher.
who are you?
290
00:17:40,056 --> 00:17:43,559
i'm josephus.
i'm the main course
at the colosseum.
291
00:17:43,559 --> 00:17:45,561
say hello
to some friends--
292
00:17:45,561 --> 00:17:47,563
my agent,
swiftus lazarus.
293
00:17:47,563 --> 00:17:49,065
looked good, man.
294
00:17:49,065 --> 00:17:51,567
this is miriam,
a vestal virgin.
295
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,568
hi.
296
00:17:52,568 --> 00:17:53,569
hi.
297
00:17:53,569 --> 00:17:55,071
seize him!
298
00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,073
oh, seize this,
honkus!
299
00:17:57,073 --> 00:17:59,575
don't say that
to the cops!
300
00:17:59,575 --> 00:18:02,578
do you know
the punishment
for a slave
301
00:18:02,578 --> 00:18:04,580
who strikes
a roman citizen?
302
00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:05,581
i do!
303
00:18:05,581 --> 00:18:08,584
ok. you.
you had your
hand up first.
304
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:10,086
death by torture!
305
00:18:10,469 --> 00:18:12,088
no. you?
306
00:18:12,338 --> 00:18:13,589
crucifixion!
307
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,091
wrong.
308
00:18:15,091 --> 00:18:17,593
they shove
a living snake
up your ass.
309
00:18:18,094 --> 00:18:21,597
ah, no, but that's
very creative.
uh, you.
310
00:18:21,597 --> 00:18:24,100
they send you
to the lions!
311
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:25,601
right!
no!
312
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:28,604
what do you mean, no?
he was right!
313
00:18:29,071 --> 00:18:30,106
[royal fanfare]
314
00:18:30,606 --> 00:18:32,575
ahh!
ooh!
315
00:18:33,609 --> 00:18:34,610
it's the empress!
316
00:18:35,111 --> 00:18:36,112
it's nympho!
317
00:18:36,112 --> 00:18:39,115
move that miserable
piece of shit!
318
00:18:40,449 --> 00:18:42,118
yay!
yay!
319
00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,632
halt!
320
00:18:56,632 --> 00:18:58,601
stop.
321
00:18:58,684 --> 00:19:00,136
could you please...
322
00:19:00,436 --> 00:19:04,640
step on the same foot
at the same time?
323
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,642
my tits
are falling off!
324
00:19:06,642 --> 00:19:08,644
empress nympho!
empress nympho!
325
00:19:08,644 --> 00:19:11,147
miriam, what are you
doing here?
326
00:19:11,147 --> 00:19:15,151
vestal virgins aren't
allowed outside the palace
without an escort.
327
00:19:15,151 --> 00:19:18,154
empress,
this man just
saved our lives,
328
00:19:18,621 --> 00:19:21,157
and now they
want to kill him!
329
00:19:21,157 --> 00:19:23,159
we need your help!
330
00:19:23,159 --> 00:19:26,662
which one? the white guy
or the colored guy?
331
00:19:26,662 --> 00:19:29,665
the colored--the slave.
please spare his life!
332
00:19:29,665 --> 00:19:34,170
perhaps you can
use him at the palace.
he's truly gifted.
333
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:36,172
gifted. bob?
334
00:19:36,172 --> 00:19:37,673
yes, your highness.
335
00:19:37,673 --> 00:19:39,175
oh, bob?
336
00:19:39,175 --> 00:19:43,179
do i have any openings
that this man might fit?
337
00:19:43,179 --> 00:19:45,181
whoa!
whoa!
338
00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:48,684
well, wecould use
another wine steward.
339
00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,686
i got a great
corkscrew.
340
00:19:50,686 --> 00:19:52,188
woo!
woo!
341
00:19:52,188 --> 00:19:54,690
hey, this is
a hip crowd.
342
00:19:54,690 --> 00:19:57,193
all right.
we'll schlephim along!
343
00:19:57,193 --> 00:20:01,697
for the time being,
we'll use him
as a litter bearer.
344
00:20:01,697 --> 00:20:03,699
oh, thank you,
your highness!
345
00:20:03,699 --> 00:20:05,701
oh, good,
oh, good!
346
00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:07,703
good work,
good work!
347
00:20:08,037 --> 00:20:10,039
litter bearers,
prepare to move!
348
00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:14,210
litter bearers, march!
349
00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:17,379
yay!
yay!
350
00:20:19,715 --> 00:20:21,717
see you
at the palace.
351
00:20:21,717 --> 00:20:23,219
good-bye.
352
00:20:23,219 --> 00:20:24,720
good-bye.
353
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,721
bye.
354
00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:28,224
hey, we got to go.
355
00:20:28,224 --> 00:20:30,226
we'll see you later.
356
00:20:30,226 --> 00:20:31,727
bye-bye!
357
00:20:49,245 --> 00:20:52,248
[royal fanfare]
358
00:20:57,253 --> 00:21:00,256
all hail caesar,
emperor of rome,
359
00:21:00,256 --> 00:21:02,758
monarch of
the roman empire,
360
00:21:02,758 --> 00:21:04,760
ruler of the world!
361
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,764
hail, caesar!
hail, caesar!
362
00:21:08,764 --> 00:21:12,768
hail, caesar!
hail, caesar!
363
00:21:12,768 --> 00:21:15,771
hail, caesar!
hail, caesar!
364
00:21:15,771 --> 00:21:19,775
hail, caesar!
hail, caesar!
365
00:21:19,775 --> 00:21:23,279
hail, caesar!
hail, caesar!
366
00:21:23,779 --> 00:21:27,283
hail, caesar!
hail, caesar!
367
00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:28,784
hail--
368
00:21:28,784 --> 00:21:30,286
[burp!]
369
00:21:31,787 --> 00:21:33,789
ohh...ohh...
370
00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,128
[bthht!]
371
00:21:41,797 --> 00:21:43,299
[fanfare]
372
00:21:43,299 --> 00:21:44,800
[pfftt!]
373
00:21:50,806 --> 00:21:54,310
all hail the commander
of his majesty's roman legions,
374
00:21:54,310 --> 00:21:57,813
the brave and noble
marcus vindictus,
375
00:21:57,813 --> 00:22:01,317
who returns to rome
after winning a great victory
376
00:22:01,317 --> 00:22:03,819
over the cretins
at sparta.
377
00:22:06,322 --> 00:22:09,325
make that
the spartans at crete!
378
00:22:13,829 --> 00:22:15,831
remember,
thou art mortal.
379
00:22:15,831 --> 00:22:17,833
remember,
thou art mortal.
380
00:22:17,833 --> 00:22:19,835
remember,
thou art mortal.
381
00:22:19,835 --> 00:22:21,837
remember,
thou art mortal.
382
00:22:21,837 --> 00:22:24,340
oh, blow it
out your ass.
383
00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:25,341
ohh!
384
00:22:25,341 --> 00:22:26,809
oh, caesar--
385
00:22:26,809 --> 00:22:27,843
[burp!]
386
00:22:28,344 --> 00:22:31,347
i have brought
your illustrious name
before the earth.
387
00:22:31,347 --> 00:22:34,350
i've subdued
and conquered
the barbaric hordes
388
00:22:34,350 --> 00:22:36,352
in the name of rome.
389
00:22:36,352 --> 00:22:38,854
i've penetrated
into the farthest--
390
00:22:38,854 --> 00:22:40,823
what's under
the sheet?
391
00:22:40,906 --> 00:22:42,358
sheet?
392
00:22:42,358 --> 00:22:43,859
sheet!
393
00:22:43,859 --> 00:22:46,362
sheet! oh!
oh, the sheet, yes.
394
00:22:46,362 --> 00:22:48,364
to begin with,
number one--
395
00:22:48,364 --> 00:22:50,366
a beautiful hand-carved
alabaster...
396
00:22:50,366 --> 00:22:51,867
bathing vessel!
397
00:22:51,867 --> 00:22:53,869
nice.
398
00:22:53,869 --> 00:22:55,871
nice.
399
00:22:55,871 --> 00:22:58,874
not thrilling...
but nice.
400
00:22:58,874 --> 00:23:02,378
aha! but to fill the tub,
401
00:23:02,378 --> 00:23:04,880
behind curtain number two,
402
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,383
treasure from the orient!
403
00:23:07,633 --> 00:23:09,885
[music playing]
404
00:23:09,885 --> 00:23:11,887
[applause]
405
00:23:12,271 --> 00:23:14,390
treasure...
406
00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:16,392
bathtub...
407
00:23:16,392 --> 00:23:17,893
treasure bath.
408
00:23:17,893 --> 00:23:20,896
i'm going to have
a treasure bath!
409
00:23:20,896 --> 00:23:22,398
treasure bath!
410
00:23:22,398 --> 00:23:24,900
treasure bath!
ha ha ha!
411
00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:26,869
ha ha ha!
412
00:23:29,405 --> 00:23:31,907
do it! do it to me!
413
00:23:31,907 --> 00:23:33,909
ha ha ha!
414
00:23:38,414 --> 00:23:41,417
oh, nympho. i would do
anything, anything
415
00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:44,420
if you would only
grant me your favors.
416
00:23:44,420 --> 00:23:48,424
how can i entice you?
how can i ensnare you?
417
00:23:48,424 --> 00:23:51,927
what bait must i use
to catch your love?
418
00:23:51,927 --> 00:23:53,929
i am your servant.
419
00:23:53,929 --> 00:23:55,931
ah, but the servant
waits
420
00:23:55,931 --> 00:23:57,933
while the master
bathes.
421
00:23:57,933 --> 00:23:59,435
yes--
422
00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,439
hee hee hee--
423
00:24:06,942 --> 00:24:08,944
ahh! ohh!
424
00:24:08,944 --> 00:24:10,446
here. wash this.
425
00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:13,449
uh, yes, sire.
426
00:24:14,950 --> 00:24:18,620
the muse...is upon me!
427
00:24:19,955 --> 00:24:21,457
thank you, caesar.
428
00:24:21,457 --> 00:24:22,958
all be quiet!
429
00:24:23,459 --> 00:24:25,961
his divine immortality
has consented to favor us
430
00:24:26,462 --> 00:24:27,963
with a new poem.
431
00:24:28,464 --> 00:24:29,465
speak,
432
00:24:29,965 --> 00:24:30,966
oh, glorious caesar!
433
00:24:31,467 --> 00:24:32,468
speak.
434
00:24:32,468 --> 00:24:33,969
you faggot!
435
00:24:33,969 --> 00:24:35,971
oh, yes, sire.
thank you.
436
00:24:35,971 --> 00:24:37,973
bring me a small lyre.
437
00:24:37,973 --> 00:24:39,475
small liar!
438
00:24:39,641 --> 00:24:42,478
i didn't do it!
i wasn't even there!
439
00:24:42,478 --> 00:24:44,980
the check
is in the mail!
440
00:24:44,980 --> 00:24:47,483
not that
kind of liar!
tmkd hnn audht!
441
00:24:47,983 --> 00:24:48,484
what?
442
00:24:48,984 --> 00:24:49,985
take him out!
443
00:24:50,486 --> 00:24:51,487
oh!
444
00:24:51,570 --> 00:24:53,989
miriam, wine!
445
00:24:55,991 --> 00:24:57,493
josephus, wine.
446
00:25:02,498 --> 00:25:03,499
say when.
447
00:25:03,999 --> 00:25:05,501
8:30.
448
00:25:10,506 --> 00:25:14,009
it's so lonely
at the top of olympus!
449
00:25:15,511 --> 00:25:17,513
more women! more wine!
450
00:25:17,513 --> 00:25:19,014
more--
451
00:25:22,017 --> 00:25:24,153
ha ha ha!
452
00:25:24,153 --> 00:25:26,655
ok, faggot!
what's next?
453
00:25:26,939 --> 00:25:30,159
comicus, the new standup
philosopher from vesuvius.
454
00:25:30,159 --> 00:25:31,660
good!
455
00:25:32,077 --> 00:25:34,613
i like
a mountain comic!
456
00:25:34,613 --> 00:25:35,664
comicus...
457
00:25:35,664 --> 00:25:37,166
you're on.
458
00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:40,169
[playinghooray for hollywood]
459
00:25:44,173 --> 00:25:46,175
good evening,
ladies and emperors.
460
00:25:46,175 --> 00:25:48,677
i just got back
from venice,
461
00:25:48,677 --> 00:25:51,180
and, boy,
are my arms tired.
462
00:25:51,180 --> 00:25:52,681
[rimshots]
463
00:25:52,681 --> 00:25:54,683
[pfftt!]
ha ha ha!
464
00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:59,137
venice is a very old city,
very wonderful, ancient city.
465
00:25:59,221 --> 00:26:01,190
you can learn a lot.
466
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,693
want to make
a venetian blind? like this!
467
00:26:05,110 --> 00:26:07,196
ha ha ha!
468
00:26:07,563 --> 00:26:08,697
ha ha!
469
00:26:08,897 --> 00:26:12,651
have you all heard about
this new sect, the christians?
470
00:26:12,734 --> 00:26:14,703
they are a laugh riot.
471
00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:16,705
first, they are so poor...
472
00:26:16,705 --> 00:26:18,707
how poor are they?
473
00:26:18,707 --> 00:26:21,210
thank you.
they are so poor...
474
00:26:21,210 --> 00:26:23,712
that they have
only one god!
475
00:26:23,712 --> 00:26:25,214
ha ha!
ha ha!
476
00:26:25,214 --> 00:26:26,215
[rimshots]
477
00:26:26,415 --> 00:26:28,166
ho ho ho!
478
00:26:28,250 --> 00:26:32,221
we romans are rich.
we got a god for everything,
479
00:26:32,221 --> 00:26:35,724
only we don't have a god
for premature ejaculation...
480
00:26:35,724 --> 00:26:38,727
but i hear that
that's coming quickly.
481
00:26:38,727 --> 00:26:40,679
ho ho! ho ho!
ooh!
482
00:26:40,762 --> 00:26:43,232
the little fag
gets it. ha ha!
483
00:26:43,232 --> 00:26:44,733
terrific.
terrific.
484
00:26:45,017 --> 00:26:47,236
let's face it.
what's the rage?
485
00:26:47,236 --> 00:26:49,738
losing weight
is all the rage.
486
00:26:49,738 --> 00:26:53,242
everybody in rome
is either in a steam room
487
00:26:53,242 --> 00:26:54,743
or a vomitarium.
488
00:26:54,743 --> 00:26:57,246
half of rome is either
cooking or puking!
489
00:26:57,746 --> 00:27:00,249
cooking or puking!
ha ha ha!
490
00:27:00,249 --> 00:27:02,751
but you can't
blame these people
491
00:27:02,751 --> 00:27:04,753
for wanting to be thin.
492
00:27:04,753 --> 00:27:08,257
who wants to look like
a big fat pig?
493
00:27:08,674 --> 00:27:10,759
oh!
oh!
494
00:27:11,043 --> 00:27:13,262
did he say
"big fat pig"?
495
00:27:13,262 --> 00:27:15,264
yes, he did, sire.
496
00:27:15,264 --> 00:27:17,266
did he mean me?
497
00:27:17,266 --> 00:27:18,717
i believe so.
498
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,269
get off the fat jokes!
499
00:27:20,769 --> 00:27:23,272
get off fat!
get off fat!
500
00:27:23,272 --> 00:27:25,274
f--no fat. n--no.
501
00:27:25,274 --> 00:27:28,277
uh, there's two jews
got off--no.
502
00:27:28,277 --> 00:27:29,778
uh, syrian--[pfftt!]
503
00:27:29,778 --> 00:27:31,280
uh...no, uh...
504
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,282
politics, politics,
politics, politics!
505
00:27:33,282 --> 00:27:35,284
politics! yes!
the roman senate.
506
00:27:35,284 --> 00:27:38,287
the roman senate
is the best legislature
507
00:27:38,287 --> 00:27:40,289
that money can buy!
508
00:27:40,289 --> 00:27:42,291
corruption starts
in the streets
509
00:27:42,291 --> 00:27:44,293
with the little peddlers.
510
00:27:44,543 --> 00:27:47,296
they bribe an assemblyman,
he bribes a councilman,
511
00:27:47,296 --> 00:27:50,299
the councilman bribes
a senator, and the senator...
512
00:27:50,299 --> 00:27:52,801
it goes all the way
to the emperor!
513
00:27:53,168 --> 00:27:54,920
shit!
514
00:27:57,306 --> 00:27:59,308
kill him!
515
00:27:59,508 --> 00:28:00,809
taxi!
516
00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:02,811
wait! no autographs,
no autographs!
517
00:28:03,145 --> 00:28:04,313
seize him!
518
00:28:04,396 --> 00:28:06,064
seize him!
519
00:28:07,065 --> 00:28:08,317
more wine!
520
00:28:08,317 --> 00:28:09,768
more wine.
521
00:28:09,851 --> 00:28:11,320
[burp]
522
00:28:11,486 --> 00:28:14,323
boy, when you die
at the palace,
523
00:28:14,323 --> 00:28:17,326
you really die
524
00:28:17,326 --> 00:28:20,329
aah! arrgh! aah!
525
00:28:22,831 --> 00:28:24,333
oops?
526
00:28:24,333 --> 00:28:26,335
aarrrrghhh!
527
00:28:26,335 --> 00:28:27,336
k...
528
00:28:27,669 --> 00:28:28,837
kill him, too!
529
00:28:28,837 --> 00:28:31,206
please, empress,
save them!
530
00:28:36,345 --> 00:28:37,346
wait!
531
00:28:37,346 --> 00:28:40,849
ah! i've just had
a wonderful idea!
532
00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:43,352
what was my idea?
533
00:28:44,853 --> 00:28:46,355
oh, yes!
534
00:28:46,355 --> 00:28:49,358
let these two fools
fight each other
535
00:28:49,358 --> 00:28:51,360
to the death
during dessert!
536
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,862
ha ha ha!
537
00:28:53,862 --> 00:28:55,364
mmm!
538
00:28:55,364 --> 00:28:58,367
ha ha ha!
539
00:29:00,369 --> 00:29:04,373
we who are about to--
boo hoo hoo--die
540
00:29:04,873 --> 00:29:06,742
salute you!
541
00:29:07,793 --> 00:29:09,378
salute.
542
00:29:12,381 --> 00:29:14,833
all right.
all right, i'm sorry.
543
00:29:14,916 --> 00:29:17,386
i'm sorry.
excuse me.
544
00:29:17,886 --> 00:29:19,388
thank you.
545
00:29:21,390 --> 00:29:24,393
i never killed
another human being
in my life,
546
00:29:24,893 --> 00:29:26,895
but you got to
start sometime!
547
00:29:27,396 --> 00:29:28,397
oooh!
548
00:29:28,397 --> 00:29:30,899
oooh!
maniac!
549
00:29:30,899 --> 00:29:32,401
hey! wait!
watch it!
550
00:29:32,901 --> 00:29:33,902
wait!
551
00:29:34,403 --> 00:29:36,405
isn't that lena horne
over there?
552
00:29:40,909 --> 00:29:42,411
[laughter]
553
00:29:42,411 --> 00:29:43,412
ah! oh!
554
00:29:43,912 --> 00:29:45,914
oh, emperor,
spare this poor man.
555
00:29:46,415 --> 00:29:48,917
he has fought so bravely
for your amusement.
556
00:29:48,917 --> 00:29:51,420
let him...
557
00:29:51,420 --> 00:29:52,921
oh!
oh!
558
00:29:53,371 --> 00:29:55,424
die.
559
00:29:55,924 --> 00:29:58,376
oh!
oh!
560
00:29:58,460 --> 00:30:00,929
tough shit.
561
00:30:01,046 --> 00:30:02,681
oooh! please!
562
00:30:02,681 --> 00:30:05,684
oh, please,
buddy.
563
00:30:05,684 --> 00:30:06,935
ooh!
564
00:30:06,935 --> 00:30:10,439
ah ya ya ya ya!
565
00:30:10,555 --> 00:30:11,940
aah! easy!
566
00:30:11,940 --> 00:30:13,442
oh, i can't do it!
567
00:30:13,942 --> 00:30:17,446
take the shield.
we'll fight
our way out.
568
00:30:17,562 --> 00:30:20,198
guards, destroy them!
569
00:30:24,953 --> 00:30:29,958
you're the first
white person
i even considered liking.
570
00:30:36,631 --> 00:30:38,467
oh, the tide
is turning.
571
00:30:38,467 --> 00:30:40,969
hold it right there.
572
00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:43,472
in the name of caesar--
573
00:30:43,472 --> 00:30:44,973
[whistles]
574
00:30:45,474 --> 00:30:47,008
the rope!
575
00:30:48,477 --> 00:30:49,478
aah!
576
00:30:49,978 --> 00:30:52,481
[emperor]
no! your hands are cold!
577
00:30:54,483 --> 00:30:56,985
find them!
capture them!
578
00:30:57,486 --> 00:30:58,487
kill them!
579
00:30:58,987 --> 00:30:59,488
[clucking]
580
00:30:59,988 --> 00:31:00,989
wash this!
581
00:31:01,490 --> 00:31:02,491
whoa!
582
00:31:02,991 --> 00:31:03,775
oh!
583
00:31:08,497 --> 00:31:09,498
oh!
584
00:31:09,998 --> 00:31:11,500
oh, it's you.
585
00:31:12,033 --> 00:31:14,002
this way, men!
586
00:31:49,037 --> 00:31:50,038
all right!
587
00:31:50,539 --> 00:31:51,540
forget that shit.
588
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:53,542
i almost fell.
589
00:31:55,043 --> 00:31:57,045
virgins, fall out!
590
00:31:57,546 --> 00:31:59,047
oh!
oh! oh!
591
00:32:00,549 --> 00:32:02,500
competence,
592
00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:05,053
oh, competence,
tell me.
593
00:32:05,554 --> 00:32:09,558
what will happen
to those two rogues
when they are caught?
594
00:32:10,058 --> 00:32:12,561
if they're captured,
they're hung.
595
00:32:12,561 --> 00:32:14,563
not necessarily.
596
00:32:16,064 --> 00:32:18,233
my goodness!
597
00:32:22,571 --> 00:32:24,573
where are you
leading me?
598
00:32:24,573 --> 00:32:26,575
to the reviewing
stand.
599
00:32:26,575 --> 00:32:28,577
you must choose
your escorts
600
00:32:28,577 --> 00:32:30,745
for the midnight
orgy.
601
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:33,081
send them in.
602
00:32:33,081 --> 00:32:35,250
quickly, march!
603
00:32:38,587 --> 00:32:40,589
arms rest!
604
00:32:43,592 --> 00:32:46,094
very nice selection.
605
00:32:47,596 --> 00:32:51,099
i'm going to start
on this end.
606
00:32:52,100 --> 00:32:53,602
hmmm.
607
00:32:53,602 --> 00:32:55,604
## yes! ##
608
00:32:55,604 --> 00:32:58,106
## no, no, no,
no, no, no ##
609
00:32:58,106 --> 00:33:00,108
## yes! no, no, no,
no, no, no ##
610
00:33:00,108 --> 00:33:02,611
## yes, no, no, yes ##
611
00:33:02,861 --> 00:33:07,115
## no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, yes! ##
612
00:33:07,282 --> 00:33:09,784
## no, no, no, no,
no, no, yes! ##
613
00:33:09,784 --> 00:33:12,120
## no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no ##
614
00:33:12,537 --> 00:33:15,624
## no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no ##
615
00:33:15,957 --> 00:33:17,125
wait a minute!
616
00:33:17,492 --> 00:33:22,130
## yes! ####
617
00:33:22,130 --> 00:33:23,632
ole!
618
00:33:25,634 --> 00:33:27,135
that'll be all.
619
00:33:27,585 --> 00:33:29,671
quick time harch!
620
00:33:35,644 --> 00:33:38,146
i love
quick time harch.
621
00:33:40,515 --> 00:33:41,650
where are we?
622
00:33:41,650 --> 00:33:43,151
don't worry.
623
00:33:49,658 --> 00:33:51,159
who's that?
624
00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:58,166
quick. hide
behind the drape.
625
00:34:00,168 --> 00:34:04,172
i liked your choices.
you made some very
big decisions.
626
00:34:04,172 --> 00:34:06,508
thank you.
627
00:34:06,508 --> 00:34:09,678
stick together.
they couldn't have gotten far.
628
00:34:09,794 --> 00:34:11,179
halt!
629
00:34:12,547 --> 00:34:13,682
all right, virgins,
630
00:34:13,682 --> 00:34:16,134
put on your
"no entry" signs.
631
00:34:16,217 --> 00:34:17,686
[giggling]
632
00:34:19,521 --> 00:34:23,692
we are about
to confront...guys!
633
00:34:29,197 --> 00:34:31,199
how dare you?
634
00:34:31,199 --> 00:34:34,703
no men may search
the empress' quarters.
635
00:34:34,703 --> 00:34:36,705
as you wish.
636
00:34:36,705 --> 00:34:38,707
you're beautiful
when you--
637
00:34:38,707 --> 00:34:40,875
shove it!
638
00:34:42,711 --> 00:34:44,713
speak up, mucus!
639
00:34:44,713 --> 00:34:45,714
eunuch.
640
00:34:45,714 --> 00:34:47,716
[speaking italian]
641
00:34:47,716 --> 00:34:48,717
...caca.
642
00:34:48,717 --> 00:34:50,218
what?
643
00:34:50,502 --> 00:34:54,222
that slave over there.
he looks rather puny.
644
00:34:56,224 --> 00:34:58,226
when eunuchs
are castrated,
645
00:34:58,226 --> 00:35:00,228
don't they
become enormous?
646
00:35:00,595 --> 00:35:03,231
it's josephus,
your wine steward.
647
00:35:03,231 --> 00:35:04,733
please help him.
648
00:35:04,733 --> 00:35:07,235
[coughs]
649
00:35:07,235 --> 00:35:10,238
you have to
give him some time.
650
00:35:10,238 --> 00:35:12,240
he has just been snipped.
651
00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:13,742
ooh!
oh!
652
00:35:13,742 --> 00:35:17,245
if he is truly
a eunuch like
the others,
653
00:35:17,245 --> 00:35:20,248
there would be
no harm to take
the test.
654
00:35:20,248 --> 00:35:21,750
test?
655
00:35:21,750 --> 00:35:23,251
test?
656
00:35:23,585 --> 00:35:25,253
[high voice]
test?
657
00:35:26,755 --> 00:35:28,256
hmpf!
658
00:35:28,256 --> 00:35:29,758
test.
659
00:35:29,758 --> 00:35:33,261
eunuchs! come down here.
660
00:35:34,763 --> 00:35:39,267
let us have caladonia do
her highly erotic temple dance
661
00:35:39,267 --> 00:35:41,770
in praise of eros.
662
00:35:41,770 --> 00:35:45,774
and if all these creatures
are indeed eunuchs...
663
00:35:45,774 --> 00:35:48,276
hmm hmm hmm!
664
00:35:48,276 --> 00:35:50,779
then nothing should arise.
665
00:35:50,779 --> 00:35:52,280
get it?
666
00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:53,782
[bang]
667
00:35:53,782 --> 00:35:55,283
[whimper]
668
00:35:55,283 --> 00:35:56,785
caladonia!
669
00:35:56,785 --> 00:36:00,288
caladonia! let's make
their big heads so hard!
670
00:36:27,599 --> 00:36:28,817
he's a eunuch.
671
00:36:28,817 --> 00:36:30,735
yeah.
672
00:36:42,580 --> 00:36:44,833
he is a eunuch.
673
00:36:57,929 --> 00:37:00,265
he's dead.
674
00:37:09,974 --> 00:37:11,726
he'll never survive!
675
00:37:22,370 --> 00:37:24,372
ooh!
oh!
oh!
676
00:37:24,372 --> 00:37:26,739
the jig is up!
677
00:37:26,739 --> 00:37:27,874
and gone!
678
00:37:28,875 --> 00:37:30,376
after him!
679
00:37:30,376 --> 00:37:33,212
go on, men,
get him!
680
00:37:33,212 --> 00:37:34,881
quick.
back through
the corridor.
681
00:37:34,881 --> 00:37:36,883
he's heading
for the senate.
682
00:37:36,883 --> 00:37:39,886
we can meet him
near the cloak room.
683
00:37:58,187 --> 00:38:01,407
in pectorum,
quid pro quo.
684
00:38:01,407 --> 00:38:04,410
in pecuniam,
sic transit gloria.
685
00:38:04,410 --> 00:38:07,580
i didn't know
gloria was sick.
686
00:38:07,580 --> 00:38:08,915
where is he?
687
00:38:08,915 --> 00:38:11,918
don't worry.
he has to come
this way.
688
00:38:11,918 --> 00:38:13,920
he should have
been here.
689
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,122
the senate
is in session.
690
00:38:16,122 --> 00:38:19,709
all fellow members
of the roman senate, hear me.
691
00:38:19,709 --> 00:38:22,428
shall we continue
to build palace after palace
692
00:38:22,428 --> 00:38:23,930
for the rich,
693
00:38:23,930 --> 00:38:27,433
or shall we aspire
to a more noble purpose
694
00:38:27,433 --> 00:38:29,936
and build housing
for the poor?
695
00:38:29,936 --> 00:38:32,271
how does the senate vote?
696
00:38:32,271 --> 00:38:35,441
fuck the poor!
697
00:38:35,441 --> 00:38:37,226
good.
698
00:38:41,447 --> 00:38:43,065
oh! josephus.
699
00:38:43,065 --> 00:38:46,953
the man was dead
when i got there,
i swear!
700
00:38:46,953 --> 00:38:49,956
where you been?
who was dead?
701
00:38:49,956 --> 00:38:52,959
how do we get
out of here?
702
00:38:52,959 --> 00:38:54,460
put this on.
703
00:38:54,460 --> 00:38:57,964
i'll find swiftus
then meet you
at the theater.
704
00:38:57,964 --> 00:39:01,083
the theater just
across from the baths.
705
00:39:01,083 --> 00:39:02,585
good-bye.
706
00:39:02,585 --> 00:39:04,470
stop with
the good-byes!
707
00:39:04,470 --> 00:39:08,391
if we do escape,
will you come with us?
708
00:39:08,391 --> 00:39:10,142
of course.
709
00:39:10,142 --> 00:39:11,978
of course.
of course!
710
00:39:11,978 --> 00:39:13,479
good-bye.
711
00:39:13,479 --> 00:39:15,982
of course!
she's coming with us!
712
00:39:15,982 --> 00:39:17,984
she's coming
with us.
713
00:39:18,401 --> 00:39:20,486
there's some
of the senators.
714
00:39:20,486 --> 00:39:23,489
right behind these guys.
here we go.
715
00:39:23,489 --> 00:39:24,991
bullshit.
716
00:39:24,991 --> 00:39:26,492
bullshit.
717
00:39:40,006 --> 00:39:42,008
give to oedipus!
718
00:39:42,008 --> 00:39:44,010
[bang]
719
00:39:44,010 --> 00:39:46,512
give to oedipus!
720
00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:48,014
[bang]
721
00:39:48,014 --> 00:39:50,016
hey, josephus!
722
00:39:50,016 --> 00:39:51,517
hey, motherfucker.
723
00:39:53,019 --> 00:39:55,021
## funkytown ##
724
00:39:55,521 --> 00:39:57,023
## won't you take me to ##
725
00:39:57,023 --> 00:39:59,025
## funkytown? ##
726
00:39:59,025 --> 00:40:01,027
## won't you take me to ##
727
00:40:01,027 --> 00:40:02,528
## funkytown? ####
728
00:40:16,876 --> 00:40:20,546
they should
have been here
over 30 grains ago!
729
00:40:22,548 --> 00:40:24,050
what could be
keeping them?
730
00:40:24,467 --> 00:40:26,168
i don't know.
731
00:40:27,803 --> 00:40:30,556
there they are!
come on!
732
00:40:30,556 --> 00:40:32,058
come on.
733
00:40:32,058 --> 00:40:34,060
now, hurry.
walk this way.
734
00:40:44,570 --> 00:40:47,356
hurry. get into
these trojan costumes.
735
00:40:49,575 --> 00:40:52,078
...punching a hole
in the left.
736
00:40:52,078 --> 00:40:55,081
keep punching a hole
in the right.
737
00:40:55,081 --> 00:40:57,783
keep punching a hole,
let's fight!
738
00:40:58,584 --> 00:41:01,587
relax. casual.
casual.
739
00:41:01,587 --> 00:41:04,590
no matter
what happens,
don't panic.
740
00:41:04,590 --> 00:41:06,425
don't panic.
741
00:41:06,425 --> 00:41:09,595
keep punching a hole
in the left.
742
00:41:09,595 --> 00:41:11,597
keep punching a hole
in the right.
743
00:41:12,098 --> 00:41:13,599
there they are!
744
00:41:13,599 --> 00:41:15,101
panic!
745
00:41:15,101 --> 00:41:16,602
oh!
aah!
746
00:41:16,602 --> 00:41:19,605
keep punching a hole
in the left.
747
00:41:19,605 --> 00:41:21,607
keep punching a hole...
748
00:41:23,609 --> 00:41:26,112
captain mucus!
let's get after them.
749
00:41:26,112 --> 00:41:28,114
you take
the left flank.
750
00:41:28,114 --> 00:41:29,615
[bang]
751
00:41:29,615 --> 00:41:33,619
don't you know
your left flank
from your right flank?
752
00:41:33,619 --> 00:41:35,121
i flunked flank.
753
00:41:35,121 --> 00:41:37,623
get the funk
out of here.
754
00:41:42,128 --> 00:41:43,629
here.
this way.
755
00:41:51,053 --> 00:41:55,141
chemist, help me.
i'm looking
for a pack of trojans.
756
00:41:55,141 --> 00:41:57,426
gee,
i just ran out.
757
00:41:57,426 --> 00:42:00,146
captain mucus.
758
00:42:00,146 --> 00:42:02,731
captain mucus,
have you found
anything?
759
00:42:02,731 --> 00:42:04,733
nothing, commander,
nothing!
760
00:42:04,733 --> 00:42:07,153
search all the marketplaces,
the square.
761
00:42:07,153 --> 00:42:10,656
half you men search
that area over there.
762
00:42:10,656 --> 00:42:13,659
and the others
will run with mucus.
763
00:42:17,613 --> 00:42:20,666
we've got to
get out of rome.
764
00:42:20,666 --> 00:42:22,168
but how?
765
00:42:22,168 --> 00:42:24,336
the streets are crawling
with soldiers.
766
00:42:27,957 --> 00:42:31,177
oh, we'll never
get out of rome.
767
00:42:31,177 --> 00:42:33,379
only a miracle
can save us.
768
00:42:33,379 --> 00:42:35,681
neigh!
769
00:42:35,681 --> 00:42:37,183
miracle!
770
00:42:37,183 --> 00:42:38,684
miracle!
771
00:42:38,684 --> 00:42:39,552
miracle!
772
00:42:39,552 --> 00:42:41,103
neigh!
773
00:42:41,103 --> 00:42:43,189
we must get
to that wagon.
774
00:42:43,189 --> 00:42:44,857
wait here.
775
00:42:44,857 --> 00:42:47,059
[whinny]
776
00:42:47,059 --> 00:42:49,695
come on.
hurry!
777
00:42:57,703 --> 00:42:58,704
aha!
778
00:42:58,821 --> 00:43:01,207
no, you don't!
779
00:43:03,626 --> 00:43:05,377
ha ha!
ha ha ha!
780
00:43:05,377 --> 00:43:06,662
oh, my god!
781
00:43:06,662 --> 00:43:09,882
i'm fighting
with cardboard!
782
00:43:09,882 --> 00:43:11,584
good-bye, head!
783
00:43:11,584 --> 00:43:13,886
hello, balls!
784
00:43:13,886 --> 00:43:15,221
oh! ah! oh!
785
00:43:15,721 --> 00:43:16,722
ahh haa haa!
786
00:43:17,172 --> 00:43:18,390
come on, comicus!
787
00:43:18,390 --> 00:43:20,643
waa!
788
00:43:20,643 --> 00:43:21,727
hurry, take off!
789
00:43:22,228 --> 00:43:24,230
let's go, miracle!
790
00:43:29,735 --> 00:43:30,736
what--
commander.
791
00:43:31,237 --> 00:43:32,238
where are they?
792
00:43:32,738 --> 00:43:34,240
[high voice]
get the horses!
793
00:43:34,740 --> 00:43:37,243
get the chariots.
get the men.
794
00:43:37,743 --> 00:43:39,245
onward!
795
00:43:39,745 --> 00:43:42,581
get me an ice pack.
hurry!
796
00:43:45,668 --> 00:43:46,752
where you going?
797
00:43:46,752 --> 00:43:48,420
i don't know!
798
00:43:56,262 --> 00:43:59,265
uh-oh.
here come the bad guys.
799
00:43:59,765 --> 00:44:03,269
come on, miracle, hurry.
they're gaining on us.
800
00:44:03,769 --> 00:44:04,770
hurry!
801
00:44:05,271 --> 00:44:07,556
come on, miracle.
go, boy!
802
00:44:07,556 --> 00:44:09,892
come on! we're
gaining on them!
803
00:44:09,892 --> 00:44:12,695
they're
gaining on us!
804
00:44:12,695 --> 00:44:15,314
come on, miracle!
805
00:44:15,314 --> 00:44:19,285
go, boy, go!
stretch out those
long white legs!
806
00:44:22,788 --> 00:44:26,742
we're pulling away!
we're losing them!
807
00:44:26,742 --> 00:44:29,295
ya! ya!
808
00:44:29,295 --> 00:44:33,165
quickly! go to the left!
go to the right!
809
00:44:33,165 --> 00:44:34,800
stop!
810
00:44:39,805 --> 00:44:41,307
i smell something
familiar!
811
00:44:41,807 --> 00:44:43,809
yes! yes!
i got an idea!
812
00:44:44,310 --> 00:44:45,811
pull over!
813
00:44:46,312 --> 00:44:47,813
pull over!
814
00:44:49,898 --> 00:44:51,317
i knew
i smelled something.
815
00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:54,103
are you crazy?
they're right behind us!
816
00:44:54,103 --> 00:44:55,821
the nose knows.
817
00:44:56,322 --> 00:44:58,324
what the heck
is he--
818
00:44:58,524 --> 00:45:00,826
why is he
picking flowers?
819
00:45:00,826 --> 00:45:02,328
roman red.
820
00:45:02,328 --> 00:45:03,696
roman red?
821
00:45:03,696 --> 00:45:06,915
a whole field
of wacky weed.
822
00:45:06,915 --> 00:45:08,283
he's picking weeds!
823
00:45:08,283 --> 00:45:11,837
papyrus.
rolling papyrus.
824
00:45:12,338 --> 00:45:13,839
paper! paper!
825
00:45:13,839 --> 00:45:16,342
what kind of paper?
like this?
826
00:45:16,342 --> 00:45:17,843
that's good.
827
00:45:19,345 --> 00:45:22,631
e-z widers. these people
don't know the value.
828
00:45:22,631 --> 00:45:24,466
josephus, hurry!
829
00:45:35,060 --> 00:45:36,362
hold this.
830
00:45:36,362 --> 00:45:38,364
yes, indeed!
831
00:45:38,364 --> 00:45:40,366
they'll be here
any minute!
832
00:45:40,366 --> 00:45:44,370
not to worry.
we are now armed
with mighty joint.
833
00:45:44,370 --> 00:45:45,871
mighty joint?
834
00:45:45,871 --> 00:45:48,040
let's go, miracle!
835
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,492
hurry! you've
got to catch them!
836
00:45:52,578 --> 00:45:54,046
quickly! after them!
52589
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof