All language subtitles for The.Unicorn.S02E09.720p.WEB.h264-GLHF

Well, thank you for coming

to Emily's gallery opening with me.
Yeah.

I so loved the way her art
explored the tension

between childhood trauma

and the yawning abyss
of adulthood.

Wow. That's really insightful.

Actually, that's what the guy
next to me was saying.

I just thought the paintings
were really pretty.

Mm.
No! No.

No way!

Are... Uh, no.

That is a non-starter!
Can you get serious?

We had a deal.
Wally, I respect you.

But I really don't like you
right now!

What's going on?

Oh, uh, no, it's my fault.

But word to the wise:

never trust a short man
named Wally!

Is he okay?

I don't know.

They made him all these
promises when he took the job.

I mean, he's such
a talented guy.

I wouldn't recommend
you marry him,

but he's,
he's so good at his job.

Plus,

his taste in music really sucks!

Uh, yeah, but, uh...

he does have really great speakers.

Okay, uh... uh, hey, hey,
Doug, Doug, it's Wade!

Uh, is every-everything
okay in-in there?

Hey, Wade.

Um, sorry.
Was my music too loud?

Maybe a little aggressive.
I'm sorry,

I was just...
I've been yelling at my boss.

I have brought them

so much business and they're just...

they're ignoring me.

You know? There's only so long

that I can keep
spinning my wheels.

I hear you.

But, uh, you know, head up,

keep the faith.
Yeah, I want-- you know, I'm trying.

But... I don't know.
I just need a fresh start.

I-I've been working for them

for ten years doing
Internet ad sales,

and-and look at me, though.

I-I still live in
my ex-wife's garage.

Well, hey, you know,
think about Apple.

I mean, they started in a garage

and they did really well,
so, you know, that's...

Yeah, sure,

but I'm not building computers

in here, Wade.

All I do is play Xbox

and I... I drink way too much.

It just hasn't worked
out for me, man.

You can't give up.
I mean, look at you.

You have a great job.

I would love to be a gardener.

Uh, I'm actually
a landscape architect,

which is really completely
different... different things.

I don't even know where I'd begin.

Look, I have gone through
tough times myself.

I know it seems bleak,

but... you can't give up.

And you need other people
to believe in you, too.

You know, um...

I have a friend, um, in HR

at a firm that does something
called generational branding.

Really?
Okay, that means something to you.

That's good.

Give me your résumé.

And-and maybe,
maybe he knows some people.

Thank you, Wade.
It's okay.

You're a solid guy.

Okay.

He's a hugger.

I noticed.

You're gonna help your girlfriend's
live-in ex-husband

find a job, huh?

Sure you want to get involved
with something like that?

Well, it's not a
drug ring, Forrest.

I'm just trying to help
a guy move out of a garage.

All right, hey, say no more.

Goodbye, Doug; hello, loud sex.

It's not about that.

Oh.
Okay, it's not just about that.

Yeah, it's a little bit about it.
Yeah.

Hey, Dimitri.
Hey.

Uh, you remember
my friend Wade, right?

You changed your hair.

Um... uh, n-no, never.

Different guy.

Different guy.

Okay, okay, that explains it.

Listen, hey, Wade here is, like,

looking to do a solid for his bae.

That means girlfriend.

Um... there.

Your bae has a paper résumé?

Oh, actually, it's-it's
my-my bae's ex-bae.

Wow.

Dude's legit.
I'll see what I can do.

All right, sick. Sick.

"Sick" means "good," by the way.

I know, it's weird, right?

I don't get it.

Why is Wade trying to help
his girlfriend's ex?

That is a fundamental
misunderstanding

of the girlfriend-ex dynamic.

He's just a nice guy.

Yeah, a little too nice.
If I was him,

I would not be cool
with this whole situation.

You've always been
the jealous type.

Me? You won't even
let me go to Wendy's

because I went out
with a girl named Wendy.

See, do not say that name.

I guess we're lucky.

Forrest and I don't have
those kind of hang-ups.

Yeah. I mean, jealousy just--
I don't know--

it feels like a waste of energy.
Okay.

So you don't get jealous?

Well, not about some ex

from a million years ago, no.

We're-we're friendly with ours.
Yeah.

I mean, what, Delia's
supposed to lose it every time

Denise from high school likes
one of my Facebook posts?

It's irrational.

No. And I-I use

my ex-boyfriend Greg's cookbook
all the time,

and Forrest doesn't care.

Exactly.
Wait, Greg wrote that cookbook?

You have a cookbook?
Ha-ha.

Yeah, I do have
a cookbook, Michelle.

And it's got that meatloaf
recipe that I make all the time.

Hey, that meatloaf ain't bad.

Thank you.

Forrest loves Greg's meatloaf.

Huh.

I just did not know
that was, uh, his cookbook.

Hmm. Didn't know that.

What do you say?
One more episode?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I wake you?

No, I was awake.
I'm awake.

Yes! Um, yes, uh, Kate.

Well, I cannot thank you enough.

Yeah, and right away
works for me, too.

Sounds like good news.

We'll see you soon.

So, that was the people

that your friend hooked me up with.

I got a job offer.

Oh, my God, that's amazing!

Yeah.
I knew you could do it, buddy.

Yeah.
Thank you.

So much.
Um, but there is one thing.

It's not here.
It's in, um, Asheville.

In-in Asheville.

Asheville. Wow.

That's not super close.

I mean, it is exactly
what I've been looking for.

But I would be four hours
away from Bert.

Yeah, it's true.
But...

there's weekends.
Right?

And... I mean,
we used to live there.

My sister still lives there,

and Bert is so in love
with his cousins.

Yeah, he sure is.

But I don't... I don't know.

Doug.

This would be a really big move.

But you have been so
frustrated for so long.

I mean, we can make this work.

It's not that far.

You need this.

Yeah.

I think I just got a new job.

I think I just got a new job!

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

He is a hugger.

So it-it-it really worked.

We actually helped the guy.

Yeah. It feels good.

I mean, I didn't think
we would be helping him

all the way to Asheville.
Yeah.

I mean, well, they're grown-ups.
Yeah.

Now one of those grown-ups is gone,

so you two can do the grown-up
thing together.

You are not wrong.

Delia, I love your meatloaf.

It is my

favorite thing that you make.
Thank you.

Well, you know,
Delia's ex-boyfriend

wrote the cookbook.
Mm-hmm.

You gonna eat that, Forrest?

Oh. I, uh...

I actually had a huge lunch
today. Late lunch. So...

Mm. Really?

Yeah.
What?

Two hoagies.

Uh, oh...

Uh, excuse me. One second.

Hey, Shannon, what's up?

Ooh, I'm screwed
six ways to Sunday.

That's what's up.

The owner just called, and
the cook I hired called in sick,

so now I have to go in,

and Bert's daytime sitter
can't watch him at night

and the nighttime sitter
crapped out on me, too.

Okay, okay.

Don't worry.
I'll-I'll come get Bert.

Really?

Really. Yeah.

Just, uh...
take a deep breath, okay?

I'm on my way.
You're so nice,

sometimes I think you might

secretly be a serial killer.

I get that a lot.

All right, I'll see you soon.
Okay, bye-bye.

Guys, uh, sorry,

but I got to run.

I'm Bert's sitter tonight.

Doesn't she have a sitter?

Usually it would have been Doug.

Oh.

But Doug moved away because...

Because I got him a job.

Yes, Delia, I'm aware.

But it'll all work out.
I just know it will.

Thank you very much for dinner.

See you guys later.
Wade.
All right.

I really hope he knows
what he's doing.

Mm.
Mm.

Hey, it's all right, Forrest.

I'd be jealous, too.

I'm not jealous.

Who are you not jealous of?

Greg. The cookbook guy.

You're jealous of Greg?

I'm not jealous of Greg!

Mm-hmm.

I had two hoagies.

Okay. All right, Bert.
Come on in.

Make yourself at home.

Did you know the first laser
was made with a diamond?

That is so cool, buddy.

Now you say something
about lasers.

Oh, um, well, uh...

I used one to get a tattoo removed.
Cool.

So cool.
Oh, hey.

Is this Bert?
Hi.
Hi, Bert.

Bert is going to spend
the night with us.

And we're gonna have so much fun.

Okay, Bert, we'll set you up
on the couch in my office.

Is that cool?

Down here?

By myself?

Oh. Um...

You know, maybe we could,

uh, put a pallet...

You know,

why don't you sleep in my bed

and I'll just sleep with Natalie?

Do you like dogs?
We have two.

I hope you like getting licked.

Linda! Joyce!

Wow.

Whoa!

Did Bert cook breakfast?

No, I didn't.
Yes, he did.

Yeah. All of it.

Oh.

Yeah.
Uh, hey.

Hey, Wade. Listen.

Thank you, again,
for taking care of Bert.

Oh, not at all.
No, he and the girls

are getting along great.

Oh, good. Um, I was wondering

if I could ask
another favor of you,

and that is to keep
taking care of Bert.

Sure.

Yeah, what, uh, what's up?

Well, they need somebody
for the lunch shift,

and I am in no position
to turn down extra hours.

And then I have an appointment

to go look at a rental house.

Wait, you're-you're moving?

I didn't know you were moving.

Yeah, neither did I.

But I just got my first power bill

without Doug paying half,

and, um, I got to downsize.

Oh, that's, uh...

That's tough.

But, um, yeah, yeah.

Don't-don't worry, we got Bert.

Thank you. I hope he's not
being too big of a pain.

No. No, not at all. He's great.

And now I know where
the word "laser" comes from.

Oh, yeah. Light amplification...

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. You got it.
All right, thank you.

Yeah.

Hello!

Oh, Wade.

Guess what?

I brought you a present.

Is that your meatloaf?
Yeah.

Thank you.
Hi.

Hi.
Hi.
Hi.

I see Bert's still here.

Yeah. Yeah,

yeah, Shannon is going
house-hunting.

And I know that you
think it's my fault

for getting involved in her life.

I mean, don't you think
this is a lot to take on?

Yeah, it is, but, you know,

we'll figure it out.

I mean, they get along well
at least.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Bert is
crazy about the girls.

He's the best.

Well, here you go.

Oh. Did you paint his nails?

Yeah. Blue.

It's my favorite color.

That's, like, the cutest
thing I've ever seen.

Can we play Ping-Pong again?

Yeah, sure.
Yes!

He just chases the balls
when we miss.

Aw, we used to do that
to my little brother.

Oh, hey, Bert, we should
show Delia, uh,

what we taught you.
Ready?
Sure.

♪ Miss Mary ♪

♪ Mack, Mack, Mack ♪

♪ All dressed in black, black, black... ♪

Oh, so close! It's okay,
we'll get it next time.

No, that is the cutest
thing I have ever seen.

Okay, you're good to go.

Forrest?

You okay?

Yeah, fine.

Why don't you just admit it?

You're not eating
because cookbook guy

is eating at you-- admit it.

Please.
Come on.

I couldn't care less.
All right.

Well, to operate your outdoor
rock speakers with your phone...

I want to destroy him! I...

want to utterly destroy him.

I knew it!
I know it's stupid, you know?

I know it's irrational,
but come on.

I mean, food-food can be
so sensual, you know?

Look at Wade and Shannon.

And-and some of these recipes?

They read like pornography.

Listen to this.
"Grease the pan.

"Form the loaf."

"Soak breadcrumbs"

"to add moisture."

First off, what kind of
pornography are you reading?

Secondly, you're obsessing!

You've got to shake this
thing out of your system.

A couple years back,
work was stressing me out.

So I got into kickboxing.
Whoa.

Saw it? I could've caught a fly there.
Yeah.

I'm not really good with boxing.

Or kicking.

You could try yoga or buy one
of those books on meditation.

Yeah.
Or one of those adult coloring books.

I don't know, I feel like I
should be more offended by that,

but those are actually
terrific suggestions.

You got to let it go, man.

"Toss with tomatoes"

"and cheese."

Ugh!

"Drain the extra fat."

Regular Larry Flynt, this guy.

"Brush with thin layer of mustard"!

I mean, look at all these places.

All of these are in my price range?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, whoa, maybe not.

Okay.

Um, well,
you know what?

This is, um, this is better.

Mm-hmm.
I mean, that last screen

had way too many choices.
Mm-hmm.

It was too overwhelming.
Yeah, totally.

This is much more manageable.

Um, so how many of these are
in Bert's school district?

Schools... oh.

Um, uh, these three.

It's even more manageable.
Yeah.

But, whoa, hey, wait a minute.
Yeah.

Oh, look at this. Hey!
Oh...

Look at this one.

Rooftop pool.

A spacious sun deck.

Water aerobics.
Walk-in bathtubs.

Wade, I think this is
a senior community.

Bert likes soft food.

I'll keep looking.

Oh, uh, hey, Shannon?

Could you make some more
of your ratatouille?

I left a whole big thing
of it in the fridge.

Uh, yeah.

We ate it all.

What?!

You guys are such pigs!

Hey, let's make
my Tuscan bean soup.

Oh, that sounds good.

I'll be farty, but sure.

You're gonna be farty?

He'll be farty.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, this-this guy.

Hey, so Wade and Shannon coming?

No, he said he's watching
Bert again tonight.

Wow.

Wade is really in it now.

You should see Natalie and Grace
with little Bert, though.

It is the cutest thing
that I have ever seen

in my whole life...
and also the situation

is completely untenable,
and Wade is making it worse.

But it's so cute.

So, it seems like you're
doing better today.

Yeah, well, I took your advice,

I got one of those coloring books.

Oh!
Yeah, today I colored
an enchanted garden.

I had no idea there were
so many shades of green.
Right?

There's lots.

Ben loves that meatloaf.

Can you send me the recipe?

Well, you know,
you should buy the book.

Because every single recipe
is just so good.

All right, I will.
It's called

Simple Dinners for
Simple Friends, right?

Yeah. That's right.
Ooh!

Some of these reviews.

Of Greg's book?

Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, you can't

really pay attention to those.

What does it say?

"If you prepare the greasy
recipes from this book,"

"you'd better enjoy them
while you're eating them,"

"because they will run
right through you."
What?!

"Luckily, the pages
of Mr. Thompson's terrible book"

"can be used for toilet paper."

What kind of troll would write

such terrible things
about Greg's book?

Maybe-maybe it's
not for all tastes.

You know, whatever.
Moving on!

Oh, "The recipes in this book
made me throw up and get fat."

That one's really funny.
I like that one.

Oh, that's awful.

Wait, these reviews are
from yesterday.
Huh.

What a weird mystery.
Forrest!

Well, you told me to
get it out of my system

and I did and it worked.

I think we should
count this as a win.

You're telling me
that you're so torn up

over an ex-boyfriend that
I haven't seen in 15 years

that you're gonna try
to ruin his livelihood?

Yes.

That is so messed up.

And kind of romantic.

Hey, that's me, baby.

Well, good thing
Greg's already, like,

a multimillionaire.
Totally. What?

No, no.

Hey.
Hi.
Hey.

Dropped off Bert.

Uh, he told me to tell you that

he learned the rest of "Mary Mack."

Bert's pretty cool.

You know, it's weird,

Natalie acts a lot more mature

when she's got someone
littler to take care of.

I am mature, you butt-mouth.

Hey, we saved you some
of Shannon's homemade gnocchi.

It's unbelievable.

Can Shannon come over
later tonight?

I want pie.

Hey, uh, guys, um...

tell me if this is a crazy idea.

Guys...

I'm gonna ask Shannon
to move in with me.

Wow.

Wade, this is a big move.
I know.

But she needs help.

Because Doug moved away.

Yeah, which he did because of you.

Because he needed help.
Well...

You got to help people
in this world.

You sure she's ready for this?

Do you even have room for Bert?

What about when Doug
comes to visit?

I haven't figured
everything out yet.

I thought you were on my side.

No, I am. I am on your side.

Look, all I know is,
I love this woman.

And I got to figure out
a way for us to work.

I've talked to the girls
and they're good with it.

They taught little Bert
"Miss Mary Mack."

You remember
"Miss Mary Mack"?

♪ Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack ♪

♪ All dressed... ♪
It was so cute.

Hey.
Hey! Hi!

Oh, it's so good to see you.
You, too.

Are you hungry? I don't know
what we have in the fridge

but I know that Bert did
not finish his penne, so...

No, no, I-I ate.

Yeah?
Uh, Grace

is crazy about your gnocchi.
Aw!

That's so sweet.
That's really cute.

Uh, listen, um...

I want to talk to you
about something.

Okay.

I know that you have been busier
than ever without Doug.

Just be careful about
talking about Doug.

'Cause Bert's having a really
hard time without his dad.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Okay, um...

Speaking of which, do you have
any idea how I can find

some, like,
late-late-night babysitters?

The girls, I mean,
they would be happy to do that.

No, I know that, but I need
somebody who can drive.

Although I don't know how
I think I'm gonna pay for that.

I guess I'll--
oh, I'll rob a bank.

Well, about that,
I have an idea.

So I've been thinking
and I wondered if may...

Mom?
Oh, hey.

I made a drawing of Dad.

And I was wondering if
you could take a picture

of it and send it to him?

Of course I can, honey.

Oh.

Hey, Wade.
Hey, Bert.

Kid really, uh...

he really misses his dad, huh?
Yeah.

Yeah.
Sorry, I'm sorry.

You were saying something.

Uh, yes. Yes, yes.

I, uh, I was...

I was, I was thinking.

And, um...

And I-I really...

I-I think that
this makes the most sense.

I think that you and Bert
should move to Asheville.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, that's where your--
your family is there.

You know, your cousins,
your friends.

And that-that's
where his dad is.

It would be a lot easier.

I-I think th-that would
be best for you.

I...

I mean, I'll admit, the thought's
crossed my mind.

Yeah.
Yeah, I could live with my sister,

and there's-there's a very hot
restaurant scene there.

Yeah.
It's just...

What does that...?

What does that mean for us?

It's not far.

I'll come see you.

We'll make it work.

You need this.

And maybe Bert can give that
drawing to his dad in person.

Oh, his head is exploding

because he's being shot
with a laser.

That kid loves lasers.

Oh...
Delia.

It's okay, we're not breaking up.

It's just a change.

I know.

Hey, Shannon, I got you
a little going-away present.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it's nothing.

It's a cookbook.
Yeah.

Yeah, it's got a lot
of good recipes.

Huh, you know I'm
a professional chef, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I do, yeah.
Yeah.

Amazon wouldn't publish my review

if I didn't buy a copy,
so I got six copies.

Oh, so this is her ex-boyfriend?

Mm-hmm.

No wonder you were worried.

Baby, don't.

Well, he's...

he's bald now, Michelle.

You know, he's got no hair.

You okay, Wade?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We'll-we'll make it work.

Yeah.

So...

you ready?

Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.

You know, the other night,
I actually

thought you were gonna ask me
to move in with you.

I was.

I would've said yes.

I had a feeling.

It would have been a mess.

Probably.

Thank you.

Corrected by
== Flatto (subscene.com) ==