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1
00:00:02,053 --> 00:00:03,201
Is it my turn?
2
00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:05,330
No, we're still waiting
for Calvin to play.
3
00:00:05,415 --> 00:00:07,333
Okay, uh, stop rushing me.
4
00:00:07,559 --> 00:00:10,499
Dave took like ten minutes
to put down the word "cat."
5
00:00:10,835 --> 00:00:12,801
Well, I was one letter away
from "catnip,"
6
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:15,413
but all I had
was this blank tile.
7
00:00:17,472 --> 00:00:18,757
Damn it!
8
00:00:20,664 --> 00:00:22,013
Okay, all right, here we go.
9
00:00:22,097 --> 00:00:24,641
Here we go right here. F-I...
10
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:28,280
N-N-A.
11
00:00:28,515 --> 00:00:30,477
Boom. Triple word score.
12
00:00:31,734 --> 00:00:33,042
"Finna"?
13
00:00:33,668 --> 00:00:35,119
What's "finna"?
14
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:36,816
You know, as in,
15
00:00:36,901 --> 00:00:39,689
"I'm finna get
38 points for that word."
16
00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:44,713
I'm pretty sure "finna"
isn't in the dictionary.
17
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,545
Well, Black people
say it all the time,
18
00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:51,432
so if it's not,
your dictionary's racist.
19
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:53,612
Boom, triple word score.
20
00:00:56,338 --> 00:00:57,549
Ah...
21
00:00:57,634 --> 00:00:58,838
What's wrong?
22
00:00:58,938 --> 00:01:00,719
I'm having some problems
with my wrist lately.
23
00:01:00,804 --> 00:01:02,304
I think I might
have carpal tunnel.
24
00:01:02,389 --> 00:01:04,974
Damn it. I could've
played "carpal," too.
25
00:01:06,573 --> 00:01:09,284
Dave, if your wrist hurts,
you should see my doctor.
26
00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:11,084
Dr. Richards is like family.
27
00:01:11,183 --> 00:01:13,977
Calvin, Dr. Richards
died nine years ago.
28
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,033
He did?
29
00:01:16,230 --> 00:01:19,736
Well, let that be a lesson.
Don't let family drift apart.
30
00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:21,799
Seriously, Calvin?
31
00:01:21,884 --> 00:01:23,564
You haven't seen a
doctor in nine years?
32
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:25,542
No. I've been begging him
33
00:01:25,626 --> 00:01:27,043
to get a physical
for the longest time,
34
00:01:27,126 --> 00:01:28,164
but he just won't go.
35
00:01:28,248 --> 00:01:29,581
That's because I don't need to.
36
00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:31,167
Look, I'm so healthy,
37
00:01:31,251 --> 00:01:34,292
I already outlived my doctor
by nine years.
38
00:01:35,430 --> 00:01:37,515
Calvin, you should
really listen to Tina.
39
00:01:37,599 --> 00:01:38,962
You know,
your health is important.
40
00:01:39,049 --> 00:01:41,760
If I were you, I would
definitely be finna to go.
41
00:01:45,408 --> 00:01:47,945
Gemma, you're right.
It's not a word.
42
00:01:49,349 --> 00:01:51,764
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
43
00:01:51,848 --> 00:01:53,251
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*
44
00:01:53,335 --> 00:01:54,866
Season 03 Episode 10
Episode Title: "Welcome to the Procedure"
45
00:01:54,951 --> 00:01:56,103
Oh, hey, Calvin.
46
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,453
Hey, Dave.
47
00:01:57,537 --> 00:01:58,616
What do you got there?
48
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,411
Oh, just some of my old
juggling clubs.
49
00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:03,906
You know, I would say I didn't
know you juggled, but deep down,
50
00:02:04,186 --> 00:02:05,891
I think I did.
51
00:02:06,262 --> 00:02:07,706
Well, I haven't done it
in years,
52
00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:09,031
so I might be a little rusty.
53
00:02:09,115 --> 00:02:11,127
But I figured, hey, what's
the worst that could happen?
54
00:02:11,211 --> 00:02:13,691
I don't know,
but whatever it is,
55
00:02:13,776 --> 00:02:15,769
I am definitely
getting it on video.
56
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,384
Just got to do one last thing.
57
00:02:18,635 --> 00:02:21,877
Whoa. Whoa,
you're setting them on fire?
58
00:02:22,057 --> 00:02:23,778
I thought you said
you hadn't juggled in years.
59
00:02:23,862 --> 00:02:24,816
That's crazy.
60
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:26,699
Well, maybe,
but not half as crazy
61
00:02:26,784 --> 00:02:28,394
as skipping the doctor
for nine years.
62
00:02:28,506 --> 00:02:31,759
So I guess you could say
we're both playing with fire.
63
00:02:32,081 --> 00:02:35,213
Oh, okay.
So that's what this is about.
64
00:02:35,299 --> 00:02:36,651
You know what?
I take it back.
65
00:02:36,715 --> 00:02:39,237
Go ahead.
Roast your marshmallows.
66
00:02:40,073 --> 00:02:41,191
Okay.
67
00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:43,534
Calvin, I'm serious.
68
00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:45,793
You got to go
to the doctor every year.
69
00:02:45,877 --> 00:02:46,902
It's really important.
70
00:02:46,987 --> 00:02:48,475
Dave, I'm fine.
71
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,308
I treat my body like a temple.
72
00:02:50,394 --> 00:02:52,752
It's probably why
so many people worship me.
73
00:02:53,463 --> 00:02:56,175
Okay, I guess Tina was right.
You won't listen to reason.
74
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,159
So it looks like
I'm gonna have to try
75
00:02:58,245 --> 00:02:59,659
something else
to get you to do it.
76
00:02:59,745 --> 00:03:01,762
- What?
- Embarrass you.
77
00:03:01,847 --> 00:03:03,810
If you don't go to the doctor,
I'm gonna make a T-shirt
78
00:03:03,894 --> 00:03:05,402
that says
"Calvin is my best friend,"
79
00:03:05,487 --> 00:03:06,995
and I'm gonna wear it
wherever we go.
80
00:03:07,079 --> 00:03:09,385
- Eh, you wouldn't.
- I already did.
81
00:03:11,977 --> 00:03:14,020
How'd you get
that made so fast?
82
00:03:14,104 --> 00:03:16,043
You just found out
about this last night.
83
00:03:16,127 --> 00:03:17,645
Actually, I've had it
for a while.
84
00:03:17,729 --> 00:03:20,347
I had it made
for our upcoming friendiversary.
85
00:03:21,370 --> 00:03:22,764
Just picture it, Calvin.
86
00:03:22,849 --> 00:03:24,663
You're in the barber shop
holding court,
87
00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:27,052
I stroll in wearing this.
88
00:03:27,138 --> 00:03:28,490
So what?
89
00:03:28,574 --> 00:03:31,146
I've been the big dog
around here a long time.
90
00:03:31,271 --> 00:03:33,733
It'll take more than
a T-shirt to bring me down.
91
00:03:33,817 --> 00:03:36,849
I figured you'd say that, which
is why I made it a tank top.
92
00:03:37,933 --> 00:03:39,733
Okay, you know what?
Fine.
93
00:03:39,825 --> 00:03:41,091
I'll go.
94
00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:43,846
But if Dr. Richards
wasn't already dead,
95
00:03:43,930 --> 00:03:45,740
this would've killed him.
96
00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,507
Hey, here you go, bro.
97
00:03:49,591 --> 00:03:52,528
Oh, man, it doesn't
get any better than this.
98
00:03:52,638 --> 00:03:55,075
Two grown men,
making it on our own,
99
00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:56,990
living our independent lives.
100
00:03:57,115 --> 00:04:00,233
Marty, we live 60 feet
from Mom and Pop's house.
101
00:04:00,771 --> 00:04:01,795
Exactly.
102
00:04:01,881 --> 00:04:03,788
It's far enough away
to be independent
103
00:04:03,872 --> 00:04:05,427
but close enough
to steal their Wi-Fi.
104
00:04:06,759 --> 00:04:08,536
See? Okay.
I see. Yeah.
105
00:04:08,943 --> 00:04:10,056
Yo.
106
00:04:10,263 --> 00:04:11,568
- Hey, little man.
- Hey.
107
00:04:11,653 --> 00:04:12,908
What's up? Come on in.
108
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,800
We're having career day
at my school.
109
00:04:14,884 --> 00:04:18,752
Since my dad came last year
and my mom's the principal,
110
00:04:18,846 --> 00:04:22,237
and you have such an awesome job
at JPL, I thought I'd ask you.
111
00:04:22,432 --> 00:04:25,480
Well, your friendly
neighborhood rocket scientist
112
00:04:25,572 --> 00:04:27,574
gladly accepts
your invitation.
113
00:04:27,947 --> 00:04:30,160
Oh, I was actually
talking to Malcolm.
114
00:04:32,016 --> 00:04:33,057
What?
115
00:04:33,141 --> 00:04:34,499
But Malcolm's
just a security guard.
116
00:04:34,582 --> 00:04:37,822
Uh, yeah, a security guard
who just watched you
117
00:04:37,939 --> 00:04:40,386
- blow up on takeoff.
- What...?
118
00:04:40,838 --> 00:04:42,627
Yeah, but that,
that makes no sense.
119
00:04:42,711 --> 00:04:44,298
Why would you want him
instead of me?
120
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:46,459
Because security guards
are cool.
121
00:04:46,543 --> 00:04:49,576
They've got uniforms
and handcuffs,
122
00:04:49,661 --> 00:04:52,029
and he takes down
bad guys, right?
123
00:04:52,115 --> 00:04:53,600
Well, you know, uh,
124
00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:55,865
I do what I got to do.
125
00:04:56,310 --> 00:04:59,028
Yeah, and what you got to do
is check I.D.'s
126
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,701
and let the pizza guy
up the elevator.
127
00:05:00,786 --> 00:05:03,404
And just for that, from now on,
128
00:05:03,490 --> 00:05:05,699
the only lunch I'm
letting up is salad.
129
00:05:05,785 --> 00:05:06,975
Whoa, guys,
130
00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:08,824
I didn't mean
to start a fight.
131
00:05:08,918 --> 00:05:11,146
Look, Marty, if you want to,
you can come, too.
132
00:05:11,231 --> 00:05:12,543
Yes!
133
00:05:12,668 --> 00:05:14,021
I'm gonna get started right now.
134
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:17,512
You guys are gonna see just
how fun math and science can be!
135
00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:19,043
Great.
136
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:24,379
If he gets too boring,
you do what you got to do.
137
00:05:28,637 --> 00:05:32,074
Well, I hope he has better news
for me than he had for you.
138
00:05:33,192 --> 00:05:34,856
Okay, Mr. Butler,
139
00:05:34,942 --> 00:05:38,067
I have the results from
your physical, and...
140
00:05:38,268 --> 00:05:39,362
You know what? I'm fine.
141
00:05:39,447 --> 00:05:41,731
I don't care
what your stupid test says.
142
00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:44,096
Actually, they say
you're in amazing health.
143
00:05:44,307 --> 00:05:48,074
Oh, well, tests don't lie.
144
00:05:48,158 --> 00:05:51,033
I told you he's a good doctor.
You should've listened to him.
145
00:05:51,408 --> 00:05:54,694
Your cholesterol is good,
your blood pressure is low...
146
00:05:54,778 --> 00:05:55,987
All your numbers look great.
147
00:05:56,072 --> 00:05:57,502
Huh. Terrific.
148
00:05:57,588 --> 00:05:59,829
Now all we've got to do is
schedule your colonoscopy.
149
00:05:59,994 --> 00:06:01,596
Uh, say what, now?
150
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,767
Your colonoscopy?
When it comes to colon cancer,
151
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,634
early detection
can save your life.
152
00:06:06,752 --> 00:06:09,011
It's standard procedure
for anyone over 45.
153
00:06:09,096 --> 00:06:11,237
Well, great, so there's no rush.
154
00:06:11,619 --> 00:06:13,213
I plan on being over 45
155
00:06:13,298 --> 00:06:15,644
the rest of my life.
156
00:06:15,805 --> 00:06:19,213
Look, I know the idea makes
a lot of men uncomfortable,
157
00:06:19,298 --> 00:06:21,649
but trust me,
it's not a big deal.
158
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,274
First, you'll be put to sleep.
159
00:06:23,391 --> 00:06:28,423
Then we insert a small camera
into the rectum.
160
00:06:29,005 --> 00:06:30,214
From there, it travels
161
00:06:30,321 --> 00:06:32,822
through your large intestine,
162
00:06:32,906 --> 00:06:34,550
then it zigs and it zags
163
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:37,384
deeper and deeper
all the way
164
00:06:37,468 --> 00:06:39,581
up here into your
small intestine,
165
00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,437
taking pictures along the way.
166
00:06:41,562 --> 00:06:44,143
Then we just
reel it back in, and...
167
00:06:44,353 --> 00:06:46,302
...out pops the camera.
168
00:06:46,387 --> 00:06:49,430
Well, that all
sounds delightful,
169
00:06:49,516 --> 00:06:51,683
but, um...
170
00:06:51,946 --> 00:06:53,447
That's a hard pass.
171
00:06:56,858 --> 00:06:57,935
Hey, man.
172
00:06:58,019 --> 00:06:59,449
Oh, hey, Malcolm.
173
00:06:59,534 --> 00:07:01,452
Whoa, what is under there?
174
00:07:01,538 --> 00:07:02,504
Uh, Marty?
175
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,375
If it's another Lego Death Star,
176
00:07:04,459 --> 00:07:06,377
you don't need to hide it
from me, man.
177
00:07:06,463 --> 00:07:08,505
I already know you're a dork.
178
00:07:08,877 --> 00:07:11,814
For your information, that
was not the Death Star.
179
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,401
That was the planet Tatooine.
180
00:07:13,485 --> 00:07:15,358
Okay? So who's the dork now?
181
00:07:16,154 --> 00:07:18,670
Right, okay, so, uh,
what is it?
182
00:07:18,754 --> 00:07:20,322
Uh, just a little
something to ensure
183
00:07:20,408 --> 00:07:21,824
that I win career day.
184
00:07:21,910 --> 00:07:23,675
- "Win career day"?
- Mm-hmm.
185
00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:25,394
I didn't realize
it was a competition.
186
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:28,826
Oh, it won't be,
because I have this.
187
00:07:30,725 --> 00:07:31,850
Marty, I don't want to know
188
00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:33,879
what you do
with that robot hand,
189
00:07:33,965 --> 00:07:35,882
and I'm sure
the kids won't, either.
190
00:07:36,451 --> 00:07:37,990
Malcolm, meet Elliot,
191
00:07:38,074 --> 00:07:40,134
a fully articulated bionic
limb designed to make
192
00:07:40,218 --> 00:07:42,567
exterior repairs to the
International Space Station.
193
00:07:42,653 --> 00:07:44,795
He also gives
pretty sweet fist bumps.
194
00:07:48,209 --> 00:07:50,122
All right.
195
00:07:50,213 --> 00:07:52,298
- That is pretty impressive.
- I know, right?
196
00:07:52,398 --> 00:07:55,207
Yeah, but I'm not worried
about it, because I have this.
197
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,629
A stun gun?
198
00:07:56,715 --> 00:07:58,942
Please.
Elliot can crush steel
199
00:07:59,028 --> 00:08:01,654
and survive temperatures
down to 500 degrees below zero.
200
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,492
How can a stun gun compete?
201
00:08:03,576 --> 00:08:04,833
Maybe like this.
202
00:08:06,434 --> 00:08:08,411
Malcolm, are you crazy?
203
00:08:08,495 --> 00:08:10,456
Do you know how long
this is gonna take me to fix?
204
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,740
Hopefully not too long,
because I would love
205
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,074
to do that again
in front of the kids.
206
00:08:23,442 --> 00:08:24,817
Oh, hey, babe.
207
00:08:25,199 --> 00:08:28,076
So, what did the doctor say?
208
00:08:28,161 --> 00:08:30,370
Exactly what I
told you he would.
209
00:08:30,456 --> 00:08:31,973
I'm in perfect health.
210
00:08:32,162 --> 00:08:33,913
You know, I hate to say it,
but, uh,
211
00:08:34,075 --> 00:08:36,527
I think I'm gonna
outlive this one, too.
212
00:08:36,861 --> 00:08:38,870
Well, that is such a relief.
213
00:08:39,046 --> 00:08:40,254
Did he say anything else?
214
00:08:40,390 --> 00:08:43,644
Uh, no, uh, not that I recall.
215
00:08:44,495 --> 00:08:46,066
I am so happy to hear that.
216
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:47,613
You know what?
And to celebrate,
217
00:08:47,787 --> 00:08:50,058
I've got something
very special planned for you.
218
00:08:50,144 --> 00:08:51,941
Okay. Uh, what's that?
219
00:08:52,134 --> 00:08:54,610
I scheduled your colonoscopy.
220
00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:57,893
Uh, s-say what, now?
221
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,476
The doctor's office called.
222
00:09:00,654 --> 00:09:01,947
How could you leave there
223
00:09:02,033 --> 00:09:03,354
without scheduling
an appointment?
224
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:05,533
Come on, Tina.
The doctor said I was healthy.
225
00:09:05,619 --> 00:09:06,687
Isn't that good enough?
226
00:09:06,773 --> 00:09:08,649
No, Calvin,
that is not good enough.
227
00:09:08,785 --> 00:09:10,578
You know, I looked it up online.
228
00:09:10,664 --> 00:09:14,390
Do you know that one in every
48 men will get colon cancer?
229
00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:17,235
And that number
is even worse for Black men.
230
00:09:17,335 --> 00:09:19,336
Well, you know what's worse
for this Black man?
231
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:22,913
Is having someone turn
my ass into a photo booth.
232
00:09:25,522 --> 00:09:27,476
Calvin, this is nonnegotiable.
233
00:09:27,863 --> 00:09:29,780
You're too important to me.
234
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:32,578
So here.
235
00:09:34,836 --> 00:09:35,812
What's that?
236
00:09:35,898 --> 00:09:37,274
It's your dinner for tonight.
237
00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:38,961
It's a stimulant laxative
238
00:09:39,047 --> 00:09:40,649
that will flush out your system.
239
00:09:40,942 --> 00:09:42,318
Come on, Tina. Quit playing.
240
00:09:42,403 --> 00:09:44,231
I don't want that stuff
inside my body.
241
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:45,754
Oh, don't worry, baby.
242
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,759
It won't be for long.
243
00:09:52,365 --> 00:09:55,091
Morning, babe.
How you feeling?
244
00:09:55,236 --> 00:09:57,654
Terrible.
That laxative had me running
245
00:09:57,740 --> 00:09:59,370
to the bathroom all night.
246
00:09:59,455 --> 00:10:01,539
Aw, poor baby.
I would hug you,
247
00:10:01,624 --> 00:10:04,458
but squeezing you right now
might not be a good idea.
248
00:10:05,013 --> 00:10:07,770
Don't worry, Tina.
There's nothing left.
249
00:10:07,922 --> 00:10:11,035
I haven't felt this empty
since N.W.A broke up.
250
00:10:12,174 --> 00:10:14,317
W-Well, wait.
What are you doing sitting down?
251
00:10:14,403 --> 00:10:16,119
You got to go get dressed
for your appointment.
252
00:10:16,202 --> 00:10:19,246
You know, I was thinking
about rescheduling.
253
00:10:19,331 --> 00:10:22,335
We got a big shipment
coming into the shop today.
254
00:10:22,419 --> 00:10:24,879
Calvin, it's a box
of air fresheners.
255
00:10:25,474 --> 00:10:27,649
I know.
I just need to be there
256
00:10:27,732 --> 00:10:29,484
to make sure Hector
doesn't steal 'em
257
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,371
like he does the paper towels.
258
00:10:32,004 --> 00:10:34,046
Calvin, I can take care
of the shop.
259
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:39,466
Oh, hold on.
If you're at the shop
260
00:10:39,552 --> 00:10:41,325
and the doctor says
I can't drive myself,
261
00:10:41,409 --> 00:10:42,619
who's taking me?
262
00:10:43,008 --> 00:10:45,457
Oh, hey, buddy.
Ready to go?
263
00:10:46,399 --> 00:10:50,309
Seriously? Dave's taking me
to my colonoscopy?
264
00:10:50,423 --> 00:10:53,008
Why not? You always said
he was a pain in the ass.
265
00:10:53,091 --> 00:10:55,720
Just think of him as
the pregame warm-up.
266
00:11:00,099 --> 00:11:01,390
Hey, Gemma.
267
00:11:01,475 --> 00:11:03,067
Hey, Malcolm.
Where's Marty?
268
00:11:03,153 --> 00:11:05,567
- I thought he was coming, too.
- Uh, I don't know.
269
00:11:05,653 --> 00:11:07,236
Maybe we should check
the lockers.
270
00:11:07,331 --> 00:11:10,001
He has a long history
of getting stuffed in 'em.
271
00:11:12,110 --> 00:11:14,106
Okay, class, let's get started.
272
00:11:14,447 --> 00:11:17,091
I just stopped by because
Grover's special guest
273
00:11:17,201 --> 00:11:20,043
for career day is
a close friend of mine.
274
00:11:20,153 --> 00:11:24,582
In fact, he's so close,
he's actually my neighbor!
275
00:11:27,816 --> 00:11:29,692
Okay, take it away, Grover.
276
00:11:30,837 --> 00:11:32,840
I told her that wouldn't work.
277
00:11:35,091 --> 00:11:40,716
My career day guest
has the coolest job ever.
278
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,350
I don't want to brag, but
he's pretty much a superhero,
279
00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:47,599
and his name is
Malcolm Butler!
280
00:11:47,885 --> 00:11:49,653
Well, thank you, G-man.
281
00:11:49,739 --> 00:11:52,349
I don't know if I would say
superhero, but then again,
282
00:11:52,576 --> 00:11:54,990
that's exactly what
a superhero would say.
283
00:11:56,735 --> 00:11:58,653
Now, as a security guard,
284
00:11:58,739 --> 00:12:00,740
my job is to keep people safe.
285
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,919
Which is why I always
make sure...
286
00:12:21,143 --> 00:12:23,561
What's up, tiny Earthlings?
287
00:12:23,707 --> 00:12:24,750
Are you kidding me?
288
00:12:24,835 --> 00:12:27,379
This is so cool.
289
00:12:27,602 --> 00:12:29,312
Guys, this is Marty.
290
00:12:29,397 --> 00:12:32,986
He's, uh, uh,
what's-his-name's brother.
291
00:12:34,025 --> 00:12:36,193
Sorry I'm late, guys.
It was hard to find parking...
292
00:12:36,354 --> 00:12:38,780
for my spaceship. Oh!
293
00:12:41,253 --> 00:12:44,253
Okay, it's in that parking
lot up there. Okay.
294
00:12:44,979 --> 00:12:47,948
You know, I'm really glad
you decided to do this.
295
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,518
After all, the
healthier you are,
296
00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:51,125
the longer we get
to be friends.
297
00:12:51,331 --> 00:12:53,544
Yeah. You know,
I thought about that, too,
298
00:12:53,629 --> 00:12:56,465
and then I decided
to do it anyway.
299
00:12:57,438 --> 00:12:59,652
Good, we're here,
so pull in that space.
300
00:12:59,736 --> 00:13:01,158
Okay.
301
00:13:02,417 --> 00:13:04,768
Wait a second, uh...
302
00:13:05,423 --> 00:13:06,892
I don't see
a doctor's office.
303
00:13:06,975 --> 00:13:09,352
All I see is a
Dave & Buster's.
304
00:13:09,524 --> 00:13:11,611
Because that's where
we're going, Dave.
305
00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:14,229
Happy friendiversary.
306
00:13:15,903 --> 00:13:19,424
Okay, Calvin, we are supposed
to be going to your colonoscopy,
307
00:13:19,509 --> 00:13:21,970
not combining all the
innocent fun of childhood
308
00:13:22,054 --> 00:13:24,361
with the alcoholic
fun of adulthood.
309
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:27,346
I know, I know,
but a colonoscopy,
310
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,663
that's just about me.
311
00:13:28,746 --> 00:13:31,832
A friendiversary is about us.
312
00:13:34,503 --> 00:13:37,881
You have no idea how long
I've waited to hear those words.
313
00:13:39,206 --> 00:13:41,682
But no, Calvin, I won't do it.
314
00:13:41,768 --> 00:13:42,927
Your health is too important.
315
00:13:43,011 --> 00:13:44,057
Oh, come on.
316
00:13:44,142 --> 00:13:46,269
What could possibly
be more important
317
00:13:46,395 --> 00:13:51,229
than spending a full day of
uninterrupted fun with your...
318
00:13:52,807 --> 00:13:54,517
...BFF?
319
00:13:57,206 --> 00:13:59,128
That is a dirty trick, Calvin.
320
00:13:59,221 --> 00:14:00,519
And what's worse is
you didn't tell me
321
00:14:00,604 --> 00:14:02,181
so I could have worn mine.
322
00:14:03,811 --> 00:14:05,520
Come on, Dave,
so what's it gonna be?
323
00:14:05,605 --> 00:14:07,190
We gonna do this or what?
324
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:10,139
Calvin, I don't know.
325
00:14:10,658 --> 00:14:12,596
All right, okay,
how about this?
326
00:14:12,791 --> 00:14:14,900
We play one game of Skee-Ball.
327
00:14:15,393 --> 00:14:18,932
If you win, I go ahead
and get my colonoscopy.
328
00:14:19,130 --> 00:14:23,592
If I win, you treat
my recently evacuated colon
329
00:14:23,677 --> 00:14:25,673
to hot wings and beer.
330
00:14:26,884 --> 00:14:28,581
Okay, you know what, fine.
331
00:14:28,690 --> 00:14:31,434
If that's the only way that I
can make you do it, then I'm in.
332
00:14:31,611 --> 00:14:33,229
Great. Come on, let's go.
333
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:36,792
But FYI, that shirt would look
a lot cooler as a tank top.
334
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:42,206
Hey.
335
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,713
Well, there he is.
336
00:14:43,806 --> 00:14:46,831
The world's first
jackass-tronaut.
337
00:14:47,878 --> 00:14:49,411
Hey, don't be mad at me.
338
00:14:49,495 --> 00:14:52,018
It's not my fault the kids voted
to have a mural of me
339
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:53,914
painted on the handball court.
340
00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:56,250
Well, congratulations, Marty.
341
00:14:56,335 --> 00:14:59,254
You officially won career day
and made me look like a chump.
342
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,173
Oh, come on, man,
that's not what I meant to do.
343
00:15:01,256 --> 00:15:02,798
Well, what did you mean to do?
344
00:15:02,883 --> 00:15:04,676
Malcolm, ever since
we were kids,
345
00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:07,261
you were always the cool one,
but I was the nerd.
346
00:15:07,346 --> 00:15:08,917
The geek. The...
347
00:15:09,097 --> 00:15:11,015
whatever else Dad
used to call me.
348
00:15:12,225 --> 00:15:14,033
Oh, you mean like poindexter
349
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:15,769
and brainiac.
350
00:15:15,932 --> 00:15:18,798
My favorite was
dork chocolate.
351
00:15:20,192 --> 00:15:21,607
It's hard to forget that one
352
00:15:21,692 --> 00:15:23,533
when he wrote it
on my birthday cake.
353
00:15:24,385 --> 00:15:26,025
I mean, I know
it might sound dumb,
354
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:29,296
but I was really excited
to go back to school for a day
355
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:31,256
and be the cool guy I never was.
356
00:15:31,341 --> 00:15:32,963
Oh, come on, man,
you were cool.
357
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:34,088
Oh, yeah, right.
358
00:15:34,173 --> 00:15:35,664
No, I'm serious, Marty.
359
00:15:35,749 --> 00:15:38,042
I mean, I'm a really
confident dude,
360
00:15:38,126 --> 00:15:40,129
but I think I would have
felt ridiculous
361
00:15:40,213 --> 00:15:43,673
walking into that classroom
in a damn space suit.
362
00:15:43,854 --> 00:15:45,299
But not you.
363
00:15:45,384 --> 00:15:46,565
You owned it.
364
00:15:46,673 --> 00:15:48,620
And if owning who you are
is not cool,
365
00:15:48,705 --> 00:15:51,331
then, little brother,
I don't know what is.
366
00:15:51,690 --> 00:15:53,658
- It was pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.
367
00:15:53,743 --> 00:15:55,308
And the lunch lady even gave me
her phone number.
368
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,772
You see, man, you should
keep that suit.
369
00:15:58,855 --> 00:16:00,440
A lunch lady today,
370
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:03,206
maybe someone under 60 tomorrow.
371
00:16:04,581 --> 00:16:06,488
I wish I could keep it.
372
00:16:06,572 --> 00:16:07,697
Too bad it's
a top secret prototype
373
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:09,240
worth a million dollars.
374
00:16:09,325 --> 00:16:12,081
What? You snuck
a million-dollar space suit
375
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:13,662
out of a high-security facility
376
00:16:13,745 --> 00:16:15,307
to impress a bunch
of fourth-graders?
377
00:16:15,393 --> 00:16:16,664
Are you crazy?!
378
00:16:16,749 --> 00:16:18,418
I don't know, but I'll tell you
what's crazier.
379
00:16:18,503 --> 00:16:20,010
You're gonna help me
sneak it back in.
380
00:16:20,096 --> 00:16:21,384
Uh-uh.
381
00:16:21,470 --> 00:16:24,504
There's no way, man. Why would I
risk my job to do that?
382
00:16:24,590 --> 00:16:27,081
Well, because I snuck it out
on your watch.
383
00:16:27,213 --> 00:16:29,900
- Grab the suit. Let's go.
- Okay.
384
00:16:37,408 --> 00:16:38,456
Yes!
385
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:41,783
Another 30. You are definitely
getting your colonoscopy today.
386
00:16:43,495 --> 00:16:44,567
This isn't fair.
387
00:16:44,652 --> 00:16:46,385
You didn't tell me
you were great at Skee-Ball.
388
00:16:46,470 --> 00:16:48,120
That's right.
Because if I did,
389
00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:49,652
you might have
picked Whac-A-Mole.
390
00:16:49,736 --> 00:16:51,198
It just makes me feel weird
391
00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:53,878
smashing those cute
little guys over the head.
392
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:57,245
Well, I can still win this thing
393
00:16:57,330 --> 00:16:59,123
if I get that hundred
in the corner.
394
00:16:59,207 --> 00:17:01,105
Please, Calvin,
nobody ever hits those.
395
00:17:01,190 --> 00:17:02,376
You might as well give up now.
396
00:17:02,461 --> 00:17:03,544
Uh-uh.
397
00:17:03,629 --> 00:17:05,547
If I get this ball
in that hole,
398
00:17:05,631 --> 00:17:08,423
that means no one's
getting near mine.
399
00:17:26,414 --> 00:17:28,653
Oh!
400
00:17:33,459 --> 00:17:35,075
How the hell'd you do that?
401
00:17:35,465 --> 00:17:37,021
Well, let's just say I was
402
00:17:37,106 --> 00:17:39,403
literally fighting
to save my ass.
403
00:17:43,343 --> 00:17:47,180
Okay, you know what,
Calvin, fine, you win.
404
00:17:47,615 --> 00:17:49,965
But I don't...
I don't get it.
405
00:17:50,057 --> 00:17:51,935
You know, you are one of
the toughest guys I know.
406
00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:55,427
How are you this afraid
of a minor medical procedure?
407
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:58,413
It's not the procedure
I'm afraid of, Dave.
408
00:17:58,498 --> 00:18:00,959
Okay, well, then what is it?
409
00:18:01,142 --> 00:18:03,269
What if they find something?
All right?
410
00:18:03,355 --> 00:18:05,022
I just got a clean bill
of health.
411
00:18:05,106 --> 00:18:06,691
I want to quit while I'm ahead.
412
00:18:06,775 --> 00:18:09,395
Okay, Calvin,
what does that even mean?
413
00:18:09,499 --> 00:18:12,625
It means if I'm sick,
I don't want to know.
414
00:18:13,053 --> 00:18:16,171
Look, Tina said that
one out of 48 men
415
00:18:16,256 --> 00:18:17,786
get Colon cancer.
416
00:18:17,869 --> 00:18:19,770
What if I'm number 48?
417
00:18:19,855 --> 00:18:21,077
Okay.
418
00:18:21,162 --> 00:18:23,791
But not knowing doesn't
keep you from being sick.
419
00:18:23,875 --> 00:18:26,942
It keeps you from being able
to do anything about it.
420
00:18:28,255 --> 00:18:30,507
Look, I know this
doesn't make any sense,
421
00:18:30,590 --> 00:18:34,231
but this disease is
even worse for Black men,
422
00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:39,140
and... I just can't think
of the possibility
423
00:18:39,223 --> 00:18:41,226
of not being there
for my family.
424
00:18:41,342 --> 00:18:43,853
Yeah, but isn't family
the whole point?
425
00:18:44,076 --> 00:18:45,980
I mean, how would...
how would you feel
426
00:18:46,065 --> 00:18:49,028
if Tina or the boys
were in your situation?
427
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,777
Wouldn't you want them
to know the truth
428
00:18:50,861 --> 00:18:52,569
so if there was
some sort of bad news
429
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,567
they could do something
about it?
430
00:18:54,653 --> 00:18:55,926
Of course I would.
431
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,824
Well, then don't you think
you owe it to them
432
00:18:57,909 --> 00:18:59,326
to do the same?
433
00:19:01,092 --> 00:19:04,076
Come on, Calvin,
you know I'm right.
434
00:19:06,682 --> 00:19:08,888
Fine. Let's go.
435
00:19:09,513 --> 00:19:11,005
Great.
436
00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:15,426
But before we do,
I want you to know something, Dave.
437
00:19:17,915 --> 00:19:20,467
You are my BFF.
438
00:19:22,384 --> 00:19:23,635
Thank you.
439
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,002
You know, with you
wearing that shirt,
440
00:19:27,314 --> 00:19:29,059
well, it'll kind of be like,
441
00:19:29,231 --> 00:19:30,895
you know, we're in
that room together.
442
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:33,802
And you took it too far!
443
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:40,528
Smells good, babe.
What are we having?
444
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,942
Well, in honor of the good news
about your colonoscopy,
445
00:19:43,028 --> 00:19:45,951
I thought we'd celebrate
with rump roast.
446
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:51,598
Very funny. Go ahead.
447
00:19:51,682 --> 00:19:53,177
Get it out of your system.
448
00:19:53,288 --> 00:19:56,123
After that orange laxative,
I know I did.
449
00:19:57,213 --> 00:19:58,757
Well, seriously, Pop,
450
00:19:58,842 --> 00:20:00,759
I'm really glad that
you went through with it.
451
00:20:00,845 --> 00:20:02,596
Yeah, Dad, we're
proud of you, man.
452
00:20:02,681 --> 00:20:04,632
I mean, I would have preferred
you showed us the pictures
453
00:20:04,715 --> 00:20:06,718
after dinner, but still.
454
00:20:08,782 --> 00:20:11,576
Well, what's important is
now we know that you're gonna
455
00:20:11,661 --> 00:20:12,990
be with us a long time.
456
00:20:13,201 --> 00:20:15,559
Yeah. And pretty soon, we'll
know the same about you.
457
00:20:15,644 --> 00:20:17,104
Ah. What do you mean?
458
00:20:17,189 --> 00:20:19,217
Well, I talked
to your doctor today
459
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,317
and scheduled your colonoscopy.
460
00:20:22,615 --> 00:20:24,115
Say what, now?
461
00:20:24,638 --> 00:20:28,256
Babe, it's just as important
that women get them, too.
462
00:20:28,365 --> 00:20:31,278
So, here you go.
463
00:20:35,226 --> 00:20:36,763
Enjoy your dinner.
464
00:20:41,098 --> 00:20:44,115
Colon cancer is 90% treatable
if detected early.
465
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,487
Go to
StandUpToCancer.org/ColonCancer
466
00:20:47,572 --> 00:20:49,451
for information
on which screening test
467
00:20:49,537 --> 00:20:51,616
may be right for you.
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