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1
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(CROWD ROARS)
2
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,200
COMMENTATOR: Agüero!
3
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,800
JACK: 20.
4
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,160
Three.
5
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,840
Double 14, so 28, yeah?
6
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,080
Er... So that's 50.
7
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,720
AUDIENCE: 51!
8
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,080
51 down from 501...
9
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,680
That's 4... 450, yeah. Er...
10
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,840
Double 20. Treble 18.
11
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Christ, Pascal, will you slow down?
Help me out?
12
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:44,440
Er...60...
13
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,640
No, I've got no idea.
14
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,000
AUDIENCE: 54!
15
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,720
54. So that's...114?
16
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,760
- (MUTED CHEERS)
- Yeah? Down from 501...
17
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,360
(WHISPERS) I think
you're doing brilliantly.
18
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,240
Um, that's a 20, but I haven't finished
doing her adding yet.
19
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,040
- 5...
- Excuse me.
20
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,040
- Can we get an autograph, please?
- Yeah. Of course.
21
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,040
Thanks for coming.
Great to raise money for the charities.
22
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,720
Oh, these nights are even better
when the team's doing well.
23
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,240
Chris Booth has done an incredible job
turning it around.
24
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,560
And it's how he's done it.
Always smiling, playing the kids.
25
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,720
Hey, not all the kids.
Mattie's not playing.
26
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:16,920
No, no, but you are.
27
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,320
That assist last week was amazing.
You didn't even look!
28
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,480
Yeah. I feel like I should have got
two assists for that one.
29
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,080
You should have. You really should.
30
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,840
I know. I mean it. I should've.
31
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,480
Petey, can you sign our autograph book
for us, please?
32
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,080
What are you, a fucking time-traveller?
Haven't you heard of selfies?
33
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,600
But look, we've got everyone's.
34
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,040
You'll like this - Chris Booth.
35
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,840
What do you think about what he's written?
36
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,680
Absolute total bollocks, probably.
37
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,440
It was just after my nan died.
38
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,400
His words really helped.
39
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:45,680
So...?
40
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,920
JACK: You need 58 to finish, so that's...
41
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,440
246 minus 83...
42
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,320
...is... Jesus wept.
43
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:55,400
Er...
44
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:57,640
Daniel?
45
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,040
- You in there?
- Yeah.
46
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,720
- And I'm having a shit.
- Good.
47
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,440
Cos otherwise you'd shit your pants
with the exclusive I've got for you.
48
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,120
All right, give me a second.
49
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:06,240
(DOOR UNLOCKS)
50
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,360
(FASTENS ZIP) What you got, then?
51
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,840
Chris Booth has lost the dressing room.
52
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,280
- What? You've won your last five games.
- Don't matter.
53
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:14,920
The players think he's a wally.
54
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,680
He's lost them. They hate him.
55
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,200
Print that - from an inside source.
56
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,840
Petey, he's just won manager of the month.
57
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,720
I've done you enough favours,
just print he's a failure.
58
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:23,760
But he's not, is he?
59
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,320
If I pitch a story
of dressing room disharmony,
60
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,320
my editor's going to laugh me
out of the pub.
61
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,280
All right, that's it -
no more stories from me.
62
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,560
And by the way, your shit stinks.
63
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,960
Yeah, it will. I mean, it's shit.
64
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,920
JACK: 15, 15 and 18, that's 48.
65
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,640
(CROWD CHEERS)
66
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,040
Minus...
67
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,280
Sorry, off 501.
68
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,480
That'd...
69
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:51,640
(MOUTHS)
70
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,200
...be 453.
71
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,200
(CROWD CHEERS)
72
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:56,840
Is this still going on?
73
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,320
PAUL: Petey Brooks!
74
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,400
How ya doin', mate? Eh?
75
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,560
Looking good!
76
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,120
Can't say the same, Paul - you're fat.
77
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,800
Oh, yeah. It'll happen to you, too.
78
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,040
When you finish playing football,
79
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,600
you can't just eat
what you fancy any more.
80
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,280
Does that mean
you've stopped eating anuses, then?
81
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,280
Oooh! Got me again.
82
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,360
It's like old times.
83
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,560
Five years older than me
and still a dozy sod.
84
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,880
I had to teach you
how to tie your fucking boots.
85
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,320
Oh...no.
86
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,680
I knew how to do that.
87
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,840
Allegorically.
Have you forgotten how to banter?
88
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,200
Probably.
89
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,920
Been out of the dressing room a while now.
90
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,800
Dressing room's not what it used to be.
Look at these pricks,
91
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,480
- nothing about 'em.
- Nice to meet you, Paul.
92
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,880
- Hey. How ya doin'?
- Yeah, nice to meet a club legend.
93
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,840
Oh! Petey Brooks is the real legend.
94
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,080
The stuff we used to get up to, eh?
Madness!
95
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,640
These couldn't keep up with it.
96
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,160
I could barely keep up with you.
97
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,200
Threesomes, orgies, the lot.
98
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,200
So you've seen Petey's erect penis?
99
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,680
- Seen it? Had it me mouth, mate.
- I'm sorry?
100
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,680
- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah, we used to do
101
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:49,800
these wanking competitions, right?
102
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,280
And the loser had to give a suck job.
103
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,000
All right, fuck off. Never did that.
104
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,160
What? It's banter, it's funny.
105
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,960
Of course! I hate when
wanking competitions get all serious.
106
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,000
He knows.
107
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,600
You always talk too fucking much.
108
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,280
That's why you only ever got one cap.
109
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,840
Got injured a lot as well, though.
110
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,280
Are you still talking?
111
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,680
I'm getting a canape.
112
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:07,720
Erm...
113
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:11,960
Pascal, you need 58,
so that's 15, three...
114
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,080
- Fuck me.
- CROWD: 18 double top.
115
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,280
Yeah, or that, yeah.
116
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,840
Pete, sorry, mate,
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
117
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,240
I thought it was funny.
118
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:22,640
Yeah, well, it's not.
119
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:23,920
It was funny at the time.
120
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,880
We was pissing ourselves.
121
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,360
You were laughing then, weren't you?
122
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,880
- Yeah, because it was really funny.
- Right.
123
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,920
So... Is it funny or not?
124
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,520
It is funny, it is.
125
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,520
But now they think it isn't.
126
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,120
What used to be funny is still funny,
but you can't say it is.
127
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,960
Why not?
128
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,120
I don't know. You just can't.
129
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:49,840
Jack.
130
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,440
Well done tonight.
131
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,640
It's a tough gig, that, and, you know,
Petey Brooks fixed the drawing of lots,
132
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,040
so you were set up.
133
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,040
- Makes sense.
- It was pretty funny, though.
134
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,560
You looked so lost up there,
like a little puppy dog.
135
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,400
But then, I love puppies.
136
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,280
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
137
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,040
- What are you doing now?
- Oh, right, yeah.
138
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,440
Going home, probably go to bed.
139
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,080
Dropping them back first, though.
140
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,000
Well, you're not dropping them back
after you've gone to bed.
141
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,760
No, I'm going to drop them back, then bed.
142
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,320
Oh, brush teeth, then bed.
143
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,440
That's tonight, that.
144
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:18,480
That's a shame.
145
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,480
If you ever fancy hanging out some time,
just call me.
146
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,440
Give us your phone.
147
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,800
There you go.
148
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,800
I've sent myself a message,
so I've got your number, too.
149
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,880
Maybe I'll use it for a booty call later.
150
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,400
Right, yeah.
151
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,520
See you around, Jack.
152
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,160
(GIGGLES)
153
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,080
What did she want?
154
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,000
Fuck knows.
155
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,600
Boothie's turned it around totally.
156
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,440
We might make
the Champions League this year. Get in!
157
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:58,960
Boothie, Boothie!
158
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,800
PAUL HAWKSBEE:
So we're talking about Chris Booth.
159
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,600
- What's his secret, Andy?
- ANDY JACOBS: Preparation.
160
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,240
- Really?
- Yeah.
161
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,080
He's got 'em studying opposition data
and video analysis.
162
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,600
Petey, you forgot your opposition pack.
163
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,680
The only thing I've ever forgotten
164
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,640
is the names
of most of the birds I've shagged.
165
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,880
- Because you are forgetful?
- No.
166
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,360
Because I've had more pussy
than you've had hot wanks.
167
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,800
Anyway, here is the video analysis drive,
168
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,640
and here is the added data sheet
on opposition attackers.
169
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,360
It's a pile of wank.
170
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,160
I'll file that with the rest
of Chris Booth's shit ideas.
171
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,200
Petey, don't take this the wrong way,
but...
172
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,280
...do you struggle to read?
173
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,120
You'll struggle to breathe,
you piss-taker.
174
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,360
It wasn't a piss-take.
175
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,960
I know when you were coming through,
176
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,960
kids your age were scouted so young
that their education suffered,
177
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,440
and I did a lot of English tutoring
in the States
178
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,960
and, I don't know, I was wondering
179
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,240
if maybe you wanted
someone to discreetly help you
180
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,840
with your reading.
181
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,480
(CHOKES AND GAGS)
182
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,840
If you make one more fucking noise,
183
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:08,200
and by that I mean generate sound
in any way,
184
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,480
via your mouth, your nose, your sphincter,
185
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,800
even your fucking shit hair rustling,
186
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,440
I will throw you through that window.
187
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,760
Understood?
188
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,280
Blink slowly if you understand.
189
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,680
- Good.
- (GASPS)
190
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,680
Now, come round to my place at two.
We'll start the lessons today.
191
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,880
Oh, and if you tell anyone about this,
192
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:40,360
I will smash your kneecaps
with a claw hammer.
193
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,200
Yes! Amazing.
194
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,080
Finally! About time
the FA got their shit together.
195
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,760
It's not formal recognition yet.
It's just a preliminary meeting
196
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,480
about your international future
and where your allegiances lie.
197
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,120
Like I always say,
God save our gracious Queen.
198
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,880
Weird thing to always say, but anyway,
now I have some less good news.
199
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:01,920
Ah...
200
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,600
I don't like less good news.
201
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:04,800
No-one does.
202
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,760
So, the less good news is,
you need to hand control
203
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,160
of all your social media accounts
204
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,120
- over to the club.
- You're joking.
205
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:11,640
I'm as serious as measles,
206
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,320
which - according to your feed -
doesn't exist.
207
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,840
Come on!
208
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,400
You can't take my digital soul.
209
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,480
Your digital soul is a collection
of conspiracy theory re-tweets
210
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,640
and some very wrong ideologies.
211
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,560
That was just phase one.
212
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,840
Now we've got a following,
we're going into phase two.
213
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,280
Phase two being?
214
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,960
Selling protein shakes!
215
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,600
Consider your soul shut down.
216
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,480
How did it go?
217
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,280
All good. Guess who's close
to getting an England call-up?
218
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,200
Excellent. I'll instagram a tease later.
219
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,240
Oh, yeah.
One other thing is that you're sacked.
220
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,800
So, not all good, then.
221
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:45,840
Bruv,
222
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,880
you live-streamed
a first-teamer assaulting a disabled man.
223
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,360
And all that flat Earth shit.
224
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,640
Or the truth, as it's otherwise known!
225
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:53,680
(SIGHS)
226
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,240
OK, so, how do you want to work
my severance?
227
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,000
Don't know. Quick handshake, hug?
228
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,200
No. Do you want to keep paying me monthly,
229
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,480
or do you want to settle up
the rest of my contract now?
230
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,080
Fuck off, I ain't paying.
231
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,480
You'll get another job,
a man of your talents.
232
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,560
But I don't need another job, do I?
233
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:13,280
Because you agreed to pay me
for the next 11 months and 16 days.
234
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,440
Oh, so much free time!
235
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,400
Ooh, maybe I will reopen
my Salisbury poisoning investigation.
236
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,280
OK, fine, if I'm paying you,
then you can stay on as my assistant,
237
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,320
but not my social media assistant,
238
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,560
more like
my fetch-and-carry-shit assistant.
239
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,240
Yeah?
240
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,320
All right, lads? Lunch, is it?
241
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,960
Or just...just keeping fit?
242
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,800
Chris lets me use the gym if I want to.
243
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,440
Have some food.
244
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,120
Hang out. Eat the food.
245
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,560
Oi, paedo!
246
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,040
Move away from the boys, paedo!
247
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,040
Oh, Christ, classic Brooksy banter, eh?
248
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,160
Sounds more like bullying, but your call.
249
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,040
Savour this, lads,
you'll miss it when it's gone.
250
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,800
Christ knows I do.
251
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,760
Best days of my life.
252
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,880
I used to love getting up at five o'clock
in the morning, going training.
253
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,280
Nowadays, I get up
at five o'clock in the morning,
254
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,160
just stare at the ceiling.
255
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,520
No-one cares, you old prick.
256
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,000
What are you doing here, anyway?
257
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,080
Your boss lets me use the gym.
258
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,160
I haven't got a boss.
259
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,400
- Yeah. The manager. Chris Booth.
- Oh, the caretaker manager?
260
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,320
Sorted me out with a match-day job
as well.
261
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,560
Bloody life-saver, that man.
262
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,960
What's the job, then? Mascot?
263
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,360
At least you won't need the fat suit.
264
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,680
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
265
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,640
I have got a bit heavier,
266
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,600
like you keep saying.
Nah, it's a corporate gig.
267
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,960
Kissing sponsors' arses,
that kind of thing.
268
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,160
Not like me and Petey used to do,
though, eh?
269
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,480
We used to literally
kiss each other's arses for bants
270
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:27,600
back in the good old days.
271
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,400
That never happened.
272
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,960
That never happened.
273
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,160
It wasn't funny anyway, so...
274
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,760
Oof!
275
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,400
Yeah, old Porky Chops here better be off.
276
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,200
I'll see you lads around.
277
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,200
Absolute melt.
278
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:52,320
Is it just me, or do the old days
sound extremely homosexual?
279
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,920
JACK: Oh, sound, the landlord's changed
the light bulbs.
280
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,280
MATTIE: And left you
a Gamblers Anonymous leaflet.
281
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,680
JACK: Nah,
he must have left it by mistake.
282
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,080
- Seriously?
- He's very obviously left it for you.
283
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,160
How much do you want to bet
the landlord didn't leave that for me?
284
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,600
I think he might be onto something.
285
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,800
I've stopped gambling anyway,
since I've got a missus.
286
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:10,960
You've got a missus?
287
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,600
Yeah, Ruth from the ladies' team.
288
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,240
She text me the other night,
after the darts,
289
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,120
and we've been seeing each other
ever since.
290
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,640
They're only part-timers. You've got
to make sure she ain't a gold-digger.
291
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:19,840
What does she do for a living?
292
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,200
Pff! What doesn't she do?
293
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,440
Brain surgery?
294
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,920
She might.
I'd have to ask her, to be honest.
295
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,040
So, what happened?
Did you ask her out...?
296
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:28,120
She asked me round.
297
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,360
I said I was brushing me teeth,
298
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,520
but she said she had a jar
she couldn't open and needed help,
299
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,080
and next thing you know, we're having sex.
300
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,520
A romance for the ages.
301
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,800
Yeah, it's her birthday this week,
302
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,840
so I'm going to throw her a party
and get her a decent present.
303
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,360
Mattie, could you ask Carlos Velez
304
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,960
if he can spare anything
from his puppy farm?
305
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,320
Yeah, I don't think you're meant
to give puppies as presents.
306
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,160
Nah, that's dogs you're thinking of.
307
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,040
How would you arrange a party anyway?
308
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,520
Do you just get balloons and that's it,
or do you need, like, banners?
309
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:51,600
Use my assistant.
310
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,400
- What?
- Don't organise it yourself.
311
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,280
My guy can do it for you.
312
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:56,880
You just cover his wages.
313
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:57,920
All right, yeah.
314
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,200
Cheers, that sounds good, actually.
So, a dog and a birthday party.
315
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,200
Yeah! He can sort that, no problem.
316
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,240
Right, well, I'm off.
317
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,360
Where are you going?
318
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,320
Secret, sorry.
319
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,440
See you later.
320
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,440
Oh, he's probably got a girlfriend, too.
321
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,760
We're all at it.
322
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,640
Hi, Janey. Off out?
323
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,000
Stupid question, of course she's off out.
324
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,240
I just saw Janey leaving.
325
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,760
Her name's not Janey.
326
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,040
Oh, sorry.
327
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,840
Embarrassing,
getting your wife's name wrong.
328
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,840
No, my wife is called Janey.
That wasn't my wife.
329
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,360
OK, yeah. Yeah.
330
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,280
Shall we get started?
331
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,120
What's the point of reading again?
332
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,960
Well, I think you'll be better able
to engage with the world around you,
333
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,760
might even make you less defensive.
334
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,360
But I'm a defender,
I don't want to be less defensive.
335
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,520
Yeah, no, what I mean...
336
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,120
Actually, forget it,
you should learn to read
337
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,240
because it'll help you work out
what journalists are writing about you.
338
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,080
OK, now we're talking.
339
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,720
This is hard for me, you know.
340
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,280
I know. But it'll be worth it.
341
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,000
Promise you won't tell anyone about this.
342
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,600
- Yeah, of course, promise.
- Swear.
343
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,680
- Swear on your life.
- Er...
344
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,480
OK, I swear on my life.
345
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,520
Good.
346
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,480
Cos if you do tell anyone,
I will fucking kill you.
347
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,440
Yep, you've made that incredibly clear.
348
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,280
I can't wait for you to meet her,
you know, Dad.
349
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,840
She's dead funny, she loves dogs.
350
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,520
You know, she's got a decent left foot
on her, to be fair.
351
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,120
And hanging out with her is way cheaper
than going the bookie's every day.
352
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,240
They are all excellent reasons
for getting married, son.
353
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,920
I just don't want you to make
the same mistakes I did.
354
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,400
What, getting sent down
for welding write-offs back together?
355
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,000
No, I-I met with your mum, you know?
356
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,600
It didn't work out
because it all happened too quickly.
357
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,680
She told me it was a one-night stand.
358
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,440
Yeah, but it doesn't get
much quicker than that, does it?
359
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:50,240
Mate, you are the cleverest person I know.
360
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,280
- Really?
- Yeah!
361
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,280
I mean, you're not book smart or...
362
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,240
...or street smart, you know,
but you're...
363
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,160
...smart smart.
364
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,640
And if you think marrying this Rachel...
365
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:04,240
- Ruth.
- ...Ruth is the right thing to do,
366
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,640
then of course you've got my blessing.
367
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:10,640
But also, it might be a massive mistake,
the biggest of your life.
368
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:11,840
Thanks, Dad.
369
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,680
That really means a lot, that.
370
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,360
Now, who's starting on Saturday?
371
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,880
Is Benji back in, eh?
372
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,080
One more scoop for Insider Daz
before I fly off back to Mallorca?
373
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,080
- Oh, are you leaving?
- Yeah.
374
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,160
Well, the season's hotting up
375
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,440
and them cigarettes
aren't going to smuggle themselves - ha!
376
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,760
Potato.
377
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,160
Correct!
378
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,320
(LAUGHS)
379
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:31,840
All right, that's enough for today.
380
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,480
You'll be reading the papers in no time.
381
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,040
Fuck those people. What do they know?
382
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,920
Well, now you'll be able to find out.
383
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,720
Did you watch the video analysis drive?
That's amazing!
384
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:48,720
New ideas can be scary sometimes,
but trying is really all people ask.
385
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,360
Do me a favour and drop that
back to the coaching staff tomorrow.
386
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,120
- Can't you just drop it off yourself?
- I'm asking a small favour.
387
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,200
If that's too much for you, then fine.
388
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,120
No, no, sorry. Er, I'll drop it back.
389
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,840
But don't watch it before you do.
390
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,000
Not sure why I would.
391
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,800
Just don't, whatever you do.
392
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,040
OK, I swear on my life I won't watch it.
393
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,480
You don't need to swear on your life.
394
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:09,760
- But last time...
- No, I know,
395
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,800
but you don't need to this time, OK?
396
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,880
- (WOMAN GROANS)
- PETEY: Oh, yeah, that is filthy.
397
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,680
Am I bigger than Chris?
398
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,320
WOMAN: Chris is a worm.
399
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,800
OK, so that is definitely
Chris Booth's wife.
400
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,280
Good to get it confirmed via sex.
401
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,560
Can I ask a question about this sex?
402
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,920
This isn't normal sex, is it?
403
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,080
Like, what they're doing,
that's not what everyone does, is it?
404
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:31,280
Petey's wearing a diaper,
405
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,320
and she's humping him
with a lubed-up dildo.
406
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,000
It's not normal for me.
407
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,160
(WOMAN GROANS)
408
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,560
(SPLASHING)
409
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,120
Oh! Someone needs the toilet.
410
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,880
- I need to tell Chris.
- That it's not normal?
411
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,960
No, that his wife is cheating on him.
412
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,080
- Why the fuck would you do that?
- It's a terrible idea.
413
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,600
I think, if it was me, I'd want to know.
414
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,800
Oh, Jesus Christ, water sports!
415
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,000
That's a bit much, boys.
416
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,200
It's Mattie's. That's what he's into.
417
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,320
It's not mine, it's Chris Boo...
418
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,040
Yeah, it's...it's mine.
419
00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,800
No wonder you're born-again virgin.
420
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,800
Self-imposed dry patch,
focusing on my career.
421
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:06,080
But anyway, I'd better go.
Got a few things I need to think about.
422
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,440
Bye, then.
423
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,040
Watching porn, Jack?
424
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,720
- Naughty.
- Nah.
425
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,520
It was...it was a work thing.
426
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,840
I don't mind.
427
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,160
I'm not a prude. Though, I think
water sports might be a bit much for me.
428
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,640
Yeah.
429
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,080
Interesting.
430
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,880
Then again, some people seem to like it.
431
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,120
I mean, it's kind of dirty,
but it might be fun.
432
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,200
Could be.
433
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,400
Each to their own.
434
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,080
What do you like?
435
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,560
Me? Er...
436
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,080
You know, just the
usual, some up-and-down mainly,
437
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,920
a bit of side-to-side...
438
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,360
Yeah, er...
439
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,560
Sorry.
440
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,320
I always forget how shy you are.
441
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,800
Is this all too much for you?
442
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,280
(LAUGHS) I'm not shy.
443
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,680
Nah, I-I love it.
444
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,080
Listen, we can try anything you like
cos I'm not shy.
445
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,800
Starting now?
446
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,720
Oh, I've got a game on Friday,
otherwise I would.
447
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,360
But after the game,
we can piss on each other, if you like.
448
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,920
Chris Booth's winning streak continues.
449
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:01,120
That's five victories on the bounce
for the fledgling manager.
450
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,960
You lot are nutters, but I love you!
451
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,440
Thanks for another great day.
452
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:05,640
Mattie.
453
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,080
- 11 out of 10 for effort, mate.
- Yeah?
454
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:12,480
Listen, er, would you say
that currently you're happy?
455
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,680
Happiest I've been
since I hung up my boots.
456
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,440
We're winning,
the boys, they respect me...
457
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,400
What up, Petey? Hey?
458
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,040
It's great to see that smile back, mate.
459
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,480
Now, go on, go and get changed, champ.
Come on.
460
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,600
Excellent. So much improvement...
461
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,480
Help me get some nice new kicks
from the sponsors
462
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:32,840
before the England meeting.
463
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,200
Yeah, I won't be able to do that.
464
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:35,520
What?!
465
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:36,640
It's Ruth's birthday.
466
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,760
I'm organising the decorations,
the food...
467
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,760
Oh, and I've got to choose a puppy
from the farm.
468
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,680
So I haven't got an assistant right now?
469
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,120
Not unless you've hired someone else.
470
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,600
Jack's paying me this week,
therefore I work for him.
471
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:49,800
Benji!
472
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,600
I couldn't help overhearing
cos, well, I was listening.
473
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,200
But I could be your assistant.
474
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,520
I could do it.
475
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,600
Used to be a pro, I know what you need.
476
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:58,640
What, like a gang bang?
477
00:17:58,680 --> 00:17:59,800
(LAUGHS) No.
478
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,800
Petey told me that stuff
ain't funny any more.
479
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,080
So how about it?
480
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,840
I can work for you, for free.
481
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,720
Or money.
482
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,000
Or free?
483
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,720
Look, um,
484
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,200
here's my card.
485
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,640
Think about it.
486
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,000
Call me!
487
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,600
Listen, Petey, about that thumb drive.
488
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,320
George, give us a minute, would you?
489
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,400
- Did you watch it?
- I did.
490
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,600
- And what was on it?
- Well,
491
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,680
it wasn't the preparations clips,
it was pornography.
492
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,080
Yeah, and who was in the porn?
493
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,160
You were in the porn.
494
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,400
And what was happening?
495
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,000
Well, you were on a dog leash
to start with,
496
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,720
and then a woman, who wasn't your wife,
was leading you round a room.
497
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:47,920
Then what was I doing?
498
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,960
Then there was some weeing
499
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,280
and a lot of you having sex
with this woman.
500
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,560
And what positions did we get in?
501
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,120
Well, missionary, doggie...
502
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,360
Did you see me ejaculate?
503
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,560
The point is...is I know this woman
was Chris Booth's wife,
504
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,200
and it's probably just as well
505
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,480
that I didn't hand the drive
back into the coaching staff.
506
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,280
- Why?
- Well, because now Chris won't find out.
507
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,440
I wanted Chris to find out,
that was the whole fucking point.
508
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,040
I wasn't letting Booth's missus
rump me up the arse
509
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,320
cos I don't like sitting down
for a week, was I?
510
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,160
I was banking on you watching it,
then telling him
511
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,840
cos you would think
it was the right thing to do.
512
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,640
(SCOFFS) Why?
513
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,280
Why would you want to upset Chris?
The team are doing so well.
514
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,680
I don't care, I want him gone.
515
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,120
Remember what you said to me
about Cesare?
516
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,920
You don't want to be
the one to stick the knife in.
517
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,600
Hmm.
518
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,040
I've got to know you.
519
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,280
You're a sensitive man.
520
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,960
Do not let your insecurities drive you.
521
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000
Trust me, you don't have to do this
to Chris to get what you want.
522
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,040
Maybe.
523
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,520
- Sleep on it.
- All right.
524
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,280
But I won't be sleeping on my back
after the seeing-to I've just had.
525
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,720
JONATHAN PEARCE: Benji Achebe,
526
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,120
knocking on the door
of the England squad.
527
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,160
FANS: Benji, Benji...
528
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,720
- Can I have your autograph?
- Yeah, man, come on.
529
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,920
Benji, Benji,
are you going to play for England?
530
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,520
- Benji, can I get a photo?
- Yeah.
531
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:03,560
DAVID LI: Benji.
532
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,560
I hear England are speaking to you.
533
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,640
Congratulations.
534
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:08,760
When can we talk, huh?
535
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,960
(TYRES AL)
536
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,000
(POP MUSIC)
537
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,600
(PARTY CHATTER)
538
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,880
You did all right here, Brian.
539
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,360
Yeah, I'm good at my job.
540
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:28,000
You're not, but it looks pretty decent.
541
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,920
- Where's the dog?
- Surprise.
542
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,880
How long's it been in there?
543
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,840
Um, er, a while.
544
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:38,600
Yeah, a while.
545
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,040
Since before everyone arrived, actually.
546
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,840
Right.
547
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,960
- It's a nice place you've got here, Jack.
- Thanks.
548
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,640
When do you...move in?
549
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,040
Er...
550
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,320
- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Oh! Argh...
551
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:54,800
It's the wife - "Wa-wa-wa!"
552
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,160
(LAUGHS) No, it's all good.
553
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,520
No, things are going really well
since I got this new job.
554
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,480
You know, really well.
555
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,280
Oh.
556
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,440
Mm, s...
557
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,200
How was he?
558
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,000
Did you tell him
you saw Petey getting shafted by his wife?
559
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,840
- No, I've got a lot on me mind.
- Yeah.
560
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,640
Yeah. No, yeah. It's probably
not a good time anyway, so...
561
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:20,160
Er, Jack, I don't think we should leave it
too much longer before the big reveal.
562
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,920
OK, well, can you, um, you know,
say something, get everyone's attention?
563
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,240
Yeah, sure thing.
564
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,560
(SHOUTS) Everybody,
shut up and pay attention!
565
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,600
Jack is going to give Ruth her present!
566
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,800
They're ready now.
567
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:36,280
Cheers.
568
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,280
(EXHALES) Right, wish me luck.
569
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,560
Why? What are you going to do?
570
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,320
I'm going to go out on a limb
for the woman I love.
571
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,760
What have you got me, then?
572
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,120
Er, it's a surprise.
573
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,040
Could you put on this blindfold?
574
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,400
Oh!
575
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,320
- That's a bit sexy.
- Yeah, if you like.
576
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:54,360
(LAUGHS)
577
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:01,160
Oh. Nice bow.
578
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,720
Have a feel inside.
579
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,800
Is it soft, yeah?
580
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,360
Um...
581
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,840
Yeah, small and soft.
582
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,200
- Yeah.
- And squishy.
583
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,040
GUESTS: Ooh!
584
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,480
(PUPPY YELPS)
585
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,880
Huh?
586
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,600
Er...
587
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,880
(LAUGHS) What...
588
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,880
What is going on?
589
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,200
Will you marry me?
590
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:31,480
- (GUESTS GASP)
- What...?
591
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,440
(GAGS) Jesus, what the fuck
are you doing, Jack?
592
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:40,160
That is not water sports, Jack,
that's sh...
593
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,400
(RETCHES) Sorry.
594
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,760
(RETCHES)
595
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,000
Oh, my God, it's in my hair,
it's in my hair.
596
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,160
Well, it looks like Jack's single again.
597
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,480
I knew it - I knew you were useless.
598
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,760
Obviously, we're all delighted
599
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,160
that you've decided
to pledge your future to England.
600
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,920
Well, I'm just going to keep working hard
and hope for that call-up.
601
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,880
And Olivia said she's dealing
with getting the registration back
602
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,560
from the, er...the Ghana...
603
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,320
- Guyana.
- Guyana FA.
604
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,800
Now, er, there's one rather
unexpected issue that has come up.
605
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,520
Oh, not the Malaysian
betting syndicate thing.
606
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,240
That was a genuine mix-up.
607
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,160
No. I'm sorry?
608
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:19,560
I thought it was a prank.
609
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:24,160
No, um, I was going to say that,
due to sensitivities these days,
610
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,560
we conduct a full social media check.
611
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,200
- Oh, for fuck's sake, don't do that.
- We already have,
612
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:34,040
and there's some, well,
concerning material on your feeds.
613
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,280
Listen, you can't prove the Earth's
not flat.
614
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,080
Yes, you can. Well, you...you easily can.
615
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,440
All right, what about
9/11 being an inside job?
616
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,560
Everyone believes that one, right?
617
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,840
Benji, give us a minute?
618
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,560
All right, Mattie? I heard Jack gave
one of the women's team a box of shit
619
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,000
for her birthday.
620
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,040
True.
621
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,360
So I've been thinking
about what you said,
622
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,440
and I wondered if maybe I was letting
my insecurity drive my decision-making.
623
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,160
Good, I'm glad you're thinking like that,
Petey.
624
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,080
And then I remembered waiting
for things I want to happen is boring.
625
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,720
- Sorry?
- Instead of waiting for you
626
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,400
to tell him I've been smashing his wife
left, right and centre,
627
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,000
I am going to project our lovemaking
628
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,920
onto the screen
during our video analysis session.
629
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,760
"Cunnilingus on your wife -
analyse that, Chris."
630
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,160
Jesus Christ, you're a psychopath.
631
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,200
Don't do that. Don't...
You'll destroy him.
632
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,280
Er, that's the fucking point, Poirot.
633
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,720
Fine, fine. I'll tell him.
634
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,600
At least that'll lessen the humiliation
by, like, 1%.
635
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,200
I knew you'd come around.
636
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,440
Now, when's my next reading lesson?
637
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,640
Boss. Chris.
638
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,760
- Can I have a quick word?
- Yeah, course, mate,
639
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,960
- what's on your mind?
- (WOMAN GROANS)
640
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:47,560
(MEN LAUGH)
641
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,080
What is that?
642
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,080
PETEY: Dirty as all fuck!
643
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:54,720
Am I bigger than Chris?
644
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,440
WOMAN: Chris is a worm.
645
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,160
You're a snake!
646
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,400
(MEN LAUGH)
647
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,240
(WOMAN GROANS)
648
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,240
WOMAN: So big!
649
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,000
Hey.
650
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,200
Where is the boss?
651
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,240
Oh, I'm not sure, Pascal.
652
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,800
I want to compliment him
on his wife's tits.
653
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,840
- Yeah.
- Mm.
654
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,040
I think Chris might actually be all right.
655
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:28,920
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
656
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,160
he seemed calm when he walked off,
657
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:31,920
and his marriage
has been on the rocks a while.
658
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,000
Yeah, he'll probably be a lot happier now
he's getting divorced.
659
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,880
(PLAYERS CHAT)
660
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,040
(CHATTER STOPS ABRUPTLY)
661
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,440
Football.
662
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:50,600
(SIGHS) Football.
663
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,400
It's fucking football.
664
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,400
Here.
665
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,640
- Have a fucking football!
- PLAYERS: Oh!
666
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:06,680
Fucking football arseholes!
667
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,560
You think that's funny?
668
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:13,720
Do you?
669
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,600
You like laughing so much!
670
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,760
Chris, face it - you've not got
the temperament for management.
671
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:20,800
I did have.
672
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:22,920
I really did have.
673
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,760
We kept winning!
674
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,960
And then what?
Then what happened, I wonder. Hmm?
675
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,760
You lost the dressing room,
they stopped playing for you.
676
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,800
(SHOUTS) You fucked my wife...
677
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,280
...is what happened!
678
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,200
That is what happened!
679
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,480
So have a fucking ball!
680
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,200
Fuck!
681
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,360
Argh!
682
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,240
(WAILS FURIOUSLY)
683
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,080
So, because of what happened earlier,
684
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,800
Chris has left the club
and will be staying in a hotel
685
00:26:58,840 --> 00:26:59,920
- for a while.
- Yeah,
686
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:03,440
a hotel that you can't leave
and that's full of nurses.
687
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,560
Obviously, we'd be grateful
if none of this leaked out.
688
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,280
And I have some news.
689
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:09,720
I have just purchased a new car!
690
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,240
And also Petey Brooks
is the caretaker manager,
691
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,680
cos now he can screw the manager's wife
and no-one'll go crazy.
692
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,200
Not crazy.
693
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,200
We've been over that.
694
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,000
Petey Brooks is a club legend.
695
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,120
He bleeds red.
696
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,920
He is going to be
the greatest manager this club's ever had.
697
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,800
(WHISTLES) Oi, Mattie. Over here.
698
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,040
PAUL: Petey! Petey! (LAUGHS)
699
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,560
They said you banned me
from the training ground.
700
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,800
Totally pranked me.
701
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,880
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Very funny.
702
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:47,560
- You cheeky fucker. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah, what do you want, Paul?
703
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:49,600
You're the boss, Petey.
704
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:50,800
The boss!
705
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,320
So bring me back properly.
706
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:53,400
A job.
707
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,240
Hey, it'll be like the old times,
won't it? And I'll do anything.
708
00:27:56,280 --> 00:28:01,400
I could take training, or clean the kit,
or even move the cones round.
709
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,080
Please, mate.
710
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,360
I'm really struggling out there.
711
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:10,800
I'm drinking just to fill the days, I...
712
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:13,760
I need football.
713
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:17,000
Help me out, mate.
714
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:19,640
For old times' sake?
715
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:21,720
Security!
716
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,160
(LAUGHS) Classic banter.
717
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:24,400
Yeah. Security.
718
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:26,160
Great bants!
719
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,680
Go on your way.
720
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:29,080
I'll call you, all right, Petey?
721
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:30,600
Yeah, I'll text you!
722
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:32,600
That's it, come on.
723
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:33,920
What did you want, Petey?
724
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,240
What am I called?
725
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,320
- Seriously?
- Yes.
726
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,000
What did you want, boss?
727
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:42,360
I just wanted to say we need to step up
the reading lessons.
728
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,800
- Really?
- Got to keep an eye on those fan forums,
729
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,560
make sure they ain't turning against me.
730
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,560
- You're a good lad.
- Thank you.
731
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,440
Boss.
732
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:54,520
I love the sound of that.
733
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,720
Well?
734
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:01,960
At least Petey's happy.
735
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,520
Assuming someone says
they're going to kill you,
736
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:05,600
do you think they mean it?
737
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:06,800
Hard to tell it. Who is it?
738
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:07,880
Malaysian gangsters.
739
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,320
- Yeah, I'd reckon they mean it.
- (MESSAGE ALERT)
740
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:12,400
That makes sense.
741
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,880
- Ruth dumped you?
- Yeah, let's go.
742
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:16,880
Are you texting her?
743
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,560
Nah, putting a bet on us
to get relegated next season.
744
00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:21,080
Decent odds, to be fair.
745
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,240
PAUL: What the fuck?
What are you stirring for? Petey!
54674
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