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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,633 --> 00:00:05,903 ( rock music playing ) 2 00:00:09,967 --> 00:00:12,627 * P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E * 3 00:00:12,667 --> 00:00:15,397 * P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E 4 00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:17,973 - * THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. - ( applause and cheering ) 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,770 WELCOME BACK 6 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:23,000 * TO "PRETEND TIME" WITH BRAD PITT. * 7 00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:26,073 I'M JUST LIKE-- LEVELS OF FAME AMAZE ME. 8 00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:28,770 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT 9 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,570 BEING LIKE PSYCHOTICALLY FAMOUS, 10 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,700 LIKE, I ALWAYS, LIKE, WONDER, LIKE, 11 00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,973 WHAT WOULD IT JUST BE LIKE TO BE JOHNNY DEPP? 12 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,170 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? 13 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,500 LIKE, JUST LEVELS OF FAME, WHERE I'M JUST LIKE-- 14 00:00:40,533 --> 00:00:42,973 WHAT DOES JOHNNY DEPP DO, LIKE, EVERY DAY? 15 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,400 YOU JUST WAKE UP AND YOU'RE THAT -- AWESOME. 16 00:00:45,433 --> 00:00:48,033 YOU JUST LOOK AMAZING, EVERYONE LOVES YOU. 17 00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:50,327 AND IF I WERE JOHNNY DEPP-- 18 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,667 IF I JUST HAD A COUPLE OF DAYS BEING JOHNNY DEPP-- 19 00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:55,930 LIKE, HE'S SO FAMOUS AND LOVED THAT HE COULD 20 00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:58,297 WAKE UP-- JUST WAKE UP IN CALIFORNIA ONE DAY 21 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:01,103 AND JUST BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO TO THE AIRPORT." 22 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,473 PICK ANY STATE. ANY STATE. 23 00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,070 JUST FLY TO ALABAMA, JUST GET OFF THE PLANE, 24 00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,227 GET IN A CAR, JUST DRIVE OUT 25 00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:11,067 IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. JUST GO OUT OF, LIKE, SUBURBS 26 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,897 SOME LITTLE TOWN-- MAYBE IT'S 7:00 AT NIGHT. 27 00:01:13,933 --> 00:01:16,933 IT'S LIKE DINNERTIME. JUST WALK IT. 28 00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:19,397 PULL UP IN FRONT OF SOME HOUSE, JUST WALK RIGHT IN. 29 00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:22,503 HE DOESN'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. JUST WALK RIGHT IN. 30 00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:25,373 DINNERTIME, NICE FAMILY, A COUPLE KIDS, 31 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,470 A DOG, EVERYONE SITTING DOWN TO DINNER. 32 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:29,330 HE DOESN'T KNOCK. HE'S JOHNNY DEPP. 33 00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:31,227 HE JUST WALKS RIGHT INTO THE HOUSE. 34 00:01:31,267 --> 00:01:34,067 JUST WALKS RIGHT INTO THE DINING ROOM, JUST WALKS IN. 35 00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,570 JUST LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, YOU GUYS? 36 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,400 I'M JOHNNY DEPP. 37 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,473 WHO WANTS TO SMELL MY PENIS?" 38 00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:48,330 TWO SECONDS, THAT WHOLE FAMILY'S SMELLING HIS PENIS. 39 00:01:48,367 --> 00:01:51,127 BUT LIKE, YOU'RE THAT FAMOUS, YOU CAN JUST DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 40 00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:53,797 MERYL STREEP, SHE COULD DO THAT. 41 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:57,273 SHE COULD WALK INTO A CONVENT. SHE BE LIKE, 42 00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,870 ( falsetto ) "WHO WANTS TO SMELL MY BOOB SWEAT?" 43 00:02:01,633 --> 00:02:04,673 ALL THOSE NUNS ARE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE DON'T 44 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:08,530 SUPPORT THAT, BUT YOU ARE MERYL STREEP 45 00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:11,497 AND WE DON'T MIND THE SMELL OF BOOB SWEAT. 46 00:02:11,533 --> 00:02:14,173 SO WE'RE JUST GONNA LINE UP HERE AND GET A WHIFF OF SOME BOOBS." 47 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,470 THEY'D DO SHOTS OF HER BOOB SWEAT. 48 00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:18,270 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THEY'RE LIKE, 49 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,070 "'DEVIL WEARS PRADA,' DONE!" 50 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:22,427 BY THE WAY, THIS IS A MAKE-UP OF ME AND JOHNNY DEPP 51 00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:25,827 IF WE EVER HAD A SON. 52 00:02:25,867 --> 00:02:29,267 THERE'S JOHNNY DEPP AND THERE'S NICK DEPP. 53 00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:31,370 HOW AWFUL IS THAT? 54 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,570 NICK DEPP IS AWFUL. 55 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:37,730 I CANNOT PULL THAT LOOK OFF. LOOK AT THAT GUY. 56 00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:40,627 THAT'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP. 57 00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:43,197 GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP. LOOK AT THAT GUY! 58 00:02:43,233 --> 00:02:46,173 WHAT A BADASS! GO BACK TO NICK DEPP. 59 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,330 NO! GO AWAY. 60 00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:51,327 STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER. 61 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,427 MACE-- WHO'S GOT MACE? 62 00:02:53,467 --> 00:02:56,127 MACE NICK DEPP. GET HIM OUTTA HERE. 63 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:59,427 Man: KEEP IT GOING FOR YOUR EMCEE MR. TONY KINCAID. 64 00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:01,597 ALL RIGHTY, ALL RIGHTY. 65 00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:05,133 WELL, OUR HEADLINER TONIGHT IS A MAGIC HOUSE FAVORITE. 66 00:03:05,167 --> 00:03:09,167 SO HELP ME WELCOME TO THE STAGE DAN PRESTO. 67 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,300 ( cheering ) 68 00:03:14,633 --> 00:03:16,733 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO START OFF 69 00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:19,167 WITH A VERY BASIC TRICK. 70 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,170 - DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A $20 BILL? - I DO! 71 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,200 SIR, PLEASE WRITE YOUR NAME ON THAT BILL. 72 00:03:25,233 --> 00:03:28,073 - THERE YOU ARE, SIR. - THANK YOU. 73 00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:32,267 NOW WATCH THIS. I SAY, "DANNO PRESTO," 74 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:36,170 - AND THAT BILL IS GONE! - OH, THAT'S A GOOD TRICK! 75 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,570 YEAH? IT'S SILLY. 76 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,600 - ALL RIGHT, GUYS-- - NO! OKAY, CAN I HAVE MY MONEY BACK NOW? 77 00:03:41,633 --> 00:03:43,773 RELAX, MALCOLM. IT'S JUST A MAGIC SHOW. 78 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,070 WELL, IT'S $20, HONEY. 79 00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:48,067 AND NOW-- CARDS! 80 00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,627 MA'AM, PLEASE TAKE A CARD OUT OF THIS DECK. 81 00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:52,367 SHOW THE AUDIENCE, BUT DO NOT SHOW ME. 82 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,200 NOW KINDLY PLACE IT RIGHT BACK IN THE DECK. 83 00:03:58,067 --> 00:04:00,197 NOW I DO WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A DAN DOUBLE-TAP. 84 00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:03,073 ONE TWO, CHECK YOUR UNDERWEAR, MA'AM. 85 00:04:03,933 --> 00:04:06,373 WHAT? 86 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,070 WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO MY WIFE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 87 00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,500 - UH-- - HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 88 00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:12,333 - SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. - HERE IT IS. 89 00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:14,127 OH HO HO! 90 00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:16,827 MAN, THIS GUY IS GOOD! 91 00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:19,097 WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CARD UP IN YOUR PANTIES? 92 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,133 I DON'T KNOW! IT'S JUST A TRICK. 93 00:04:21,167 --> 00:04:24,627 HEY, MAGIC MAN, UM-- KINDA COOL OUT A LITTLE BIT THERE. 94 00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:26,867 THAT WENT A LITTLE FAR, THAT LAST TRICK, OKAY? 95 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,800 SIR, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS? 96 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:31,673 NO NO NO, I DON'T. I'M JUST A LITTLE MAD, OKAY? 97 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:34,470 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU TOOK $20 FROM ME IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW, 98 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:37,530 AND NOW YOU'RE STUFFING CARDS UP MY WIFE'S PANTIES, THAT'S ALL. 99 00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:42,327 SIR, I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE MAD. I'M SAYING WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS? 100 00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,497 - STAND UP AND CHECK! - I COULD NOT HAVE A-- 101 00:04:45,533 --> 00:04:47,833 HEY, THERE'S SOMETHING UP THERE, HONEY. 102 00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:49,827 - SWEETIE. - ( groans ) 103 00:04:49,867 --> 00:04:51,897 ( laughter, cheers ) 104 00:04:51,933 --> 00:04:53,703 HUH. 105 00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:55,473 YOU KNOW, THIS GUY IS GOOD! 106 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:58,670 EVEN THE CRAP ON THE END OF THE STICK LOOKS REAL. 107 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:03,070 IS THAT CRAP, SIR? OR IS THAT CHOCOLATE PUDDING? 108 00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:05,197 YOU KNOW, I DO LIKE CHOCOLATE PUDDING. 109 00:05:05,233 --> 00:05:07,703 OH! ( coughs ) 110 00:05:07,733 --> 00:05:09,273 THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT PUDDING. 111 00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:11,700 - NOT YET IT ISN'T. - ( groans ) 112 00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:15,633 BUT GIVE ME THIS AND I GO, "DANNO PRESTO FERRAGAMO." 113 00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:19,527 WHEW. 114 00:05:19,567 --> 00:05:21,927 BAH! 115 00:05:21,967 --> 00:05:23,327 ( coughs ) OH MY GOSH! 116 00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:25,227 I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT TWICE! 117 00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:28,127 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MISPLACED YOUR WATCH. 118 00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:30,567 Man: NO WAY. 119 00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:34,767 AND, MA'AM, FEEL FREE TO KEEP YOUR UNDERPANTS ON. 120 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,830 MY PANTIES DISAPPEARED. 121 00:05:37,867 --> 00:05:40,327 - WHAT?! - BUT WAIT, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE INSIDE THERE. 122 00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,497 UH-- IT WAS THE $20 BILL. 123 00:05:44,533 --> 00:05:47,903 - SAME ONE! - THIS GUY IS GOOD. 124 00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:49,603 THAT'S ENOUGH, HOUDINI! 125 00:05:49,633 --> 00:05:51,933 I WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY WIFE'S PANTIES ARE 126 00:05:51,967 --> 00:05:54,427 - RIGHT NOW! - YOU KNOW WHO CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION? 127 00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:58,067 THAT MAN RIGHT THERE. SIR, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTIES? 128 00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,470 ( chuckles ) IT'S NO-- OH. 129 00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:02,800 OH HO HO! THEY'RE THERE. 130 00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:06,227 AND THEY'VE DEFINITELY BEEN WORN! 131 00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:09,067 AND, MA'AM, CHECK YOUR VAGINA. 132 00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:12,200 - NO. - IT WAS INSIDE ME. 133 00:06:12,233 --> 00:06:15,403 - THAT'S MY CONDOM! - Husband: THAT'S ENOUGH! 134 00:06:15,433 --> 00:06:18,303 YOU GIVE ME BACK MY WIFE'S PANTIES OR I'LL KILL YOU. 135 00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:20,703 - ( gunshots ) - OH MY GOD, YOU SHOT HIM! 136 00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:23,403 HONEY, I DIDN'T SHOOT HIM. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUN, PEOPLE. 137 00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:25,533 OH, YOU DON'T? WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET POCKET? 138 00:06:25,567 --> 00:06:28,097 - WHAT THE HECK? - ( gasps ) 139 00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:30,573 OH, THIS GUY IS GOOD. 140 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,200 MY GOD, HONEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM. 141 00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:36,103 - LET'S GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE HE CALLS THE COPS. - TOO LATE-- PRESTO POLICE! 142 00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:38,903 WHAT? YOU SET ME UP, PRESTO! 143 00:06:38,933 --> 00:06:42,073 - YOU-- - AH! OH. 144 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,627 - I'M OKAY. - HOW ARE YOU OKAY? 145 00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:48,097 - I SHOT YOU IN THE FACE. - DID YOU SHOOT ME IN THE FACE, 146 00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:50,903 OR DID YOU SHOOT ME IN MY PENIS HOLE? 147 00:06:50,933 --> 00:06:52,703 ( gasps, laughs ) 148 00:06:52,733 --> 00:06:55,733 THANK YOU, EVERYONE. HAVE A MAGICAL EVENING. 149 00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:59,267 SERIOUSLY, I JUST ONLY HAD JUST, LIKE, THREE BEERS. 150 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,630 DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL SLEEP IT OFF IN THE CELL. 151 00:07:01,667 --> 00:07:03,527 YOU CAN POST BAIL IN THE MORNING. 152 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:05,527 SPOILER ALERT: HE'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU. 153 00:07:05,567 --> 00:07:08,897 WITH YOU. 154 00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:20,567 COMING SOON TO A.B.C., A SPECIAL TELEVISION EVENT. 155 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,130 WELCOME TO PEELER'S STRIP CLUB: 156 00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:26,367 A PLACE WHERE SOPHISTICATED GENTLEMEN COME TO GET CREEPY 157 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,530 AND THE PRINCESS OF THE POLE IS JONBENET. 158 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:32,897 BUT HER REIGN MAY BE IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A PROBLEM 159 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:34,803 SHE CAN'T GRIND HER WAY OUT OF. 160 00:07:34,833 --> 00:07:36,603 JonBenét: WHAT'S WRONG WITH PINKBERRY? 161 00:07:36,633 --> 00:07:38,903 I FIRED HER 'CAUSE HER TITS ARE TOO SMALL. 162 00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:42,303 Announcer: NOW ONLY ONE PERSON CAN HELP HER-- THE MAGICAL NEGRO 163 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:45,733 WHO WAS PUT HERE ON EARTH TO HELP THE BLONDE-HAIRED BLUE-EYED DEVILS. 164 00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:48,897 - DON'T TELL ME THEY FIRED YOU TOO? - NO, SWEETHEART. 165 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:52,773 I'M RETIRING. BEING A BATHROOM ATTENDANT'S A YOUNG MAN'S GAME. 166 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,530 WELL, IN THAT CASE I'LL SNEAK YOU ONE DANCE. 167 00:07:56,567 --> 00:08:00,527 THAT DANCE ISN'T FOR ME, DARLING. IT'S FOR YOU. 168 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,827 HUH? 169 00:08:05,733 --> 00:08:08,473 Announcer: THANKS TO HIS STREETWISE NEGRO MAGIC 170 00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:11,130 AND HER BULIMIA, JONBENET IS LIGHT ENOUGH 171 00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:13,527 TO BECOME THE FLYING STRIPPER. 172 00:08:15,067 --> 00:08:18,427 AND WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. 173 00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:20,427 - FUNDRAISER FOR FAKE BOOBS! - WHOO! 174 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,127 Announcer: LIKE ALL STRIPPERS, 175 00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,497 SHE WAS SEXUALLY VIOLATED GROWING UP, 176 00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:27,733 BUT NOW SHE VIOLATES THE LAWS OF GRAVITY. 177 00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:30,067 ( kids screaming ) 178 00:08:31,733 --> 00:08:34,933 - YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL THEY'RE FAKE. - NO, NOT AT ALL. 179 00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:38,067 Announcer: JONBENET ALWAYS GIVES BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. 180 00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:40,097 SOMEONE CUT OFF THE CLUB'S SUPPLY OF HEROIN. 181 00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,973 DEALING DRUGS IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THIS PLACE OPEN. 182 00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:45,767 I CAN FLY DRUGS OVER THE MEXICAN BORDER ON MY FLYING POLE. 183 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,870 YOU CAN BRING BACK MORE DRUGS AND MORE FAKE TITS. 184 00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,900 - ( cheering ) - YOU'RE WELCOME. 185 00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,203 Announcer: BUT NOT IF ORVILLE, THE GLUE-SNIFFING STRIPPER, 186 00:08:55,233 --> 00:08:58,903 - HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. - OH, I'LL BEAT JONBENET TO MEXICO. 187 00:08:58,933 --> 00:09:01,433 - THEN I'LL TAKE OVER THE HEROIN TRADE. - ( engine starts ) 188 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,227 - ( engine stalls ) - ( screams ) 189 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,470 Announcer: TAKE OFF AND TAKE IT ALL OFF 190 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:16,170 WITH "THE FLYING STRIPPER." 191 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,400 OH, WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE MOVIES IN FOREVER. 192 00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:24,803 I KNOW. I'M REALLY GLAD WE DID THIS. 193 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,230 - I THINK I KNOW THIS GUY. - YEAH, I KNOW, ME TOO. 194 00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:33,167 HEY, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, 195 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:34,870 BUT DO I-- DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER? 196 00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:38,500 - WE WERE JUST SAYING THE SAME THING. - OKAY, GOOD. 197 00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:41,233 I WAS GONNA SAY. DO YOU BELONG TO THE GOLD'S GYM ON FRANKLIN? 198 00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:44,527 NO NO, WE DON'T. 199 00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:46,827 ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH THE COMMUNITY GARDEN WALK? 200 00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:49,527 - WITH BRAND PARK? - NO, I'M NOT. 201 00:09:49,567 --> 00:09:52,927 UM, DO YOU BUY GOLD FILLINGS OFF CRAIGSLIST? 202 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,867 I DON'T, NO. OH-- 203 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:59,130 ONCE A MONTH I READ STORIES FOR THE CHILDREN'S STORY TIME 204 00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,697 - AT THE BRAND LIBRARY. - OOH, BY LAW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GO THERE. 205 00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:04,973 UM, YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T BELONG TO THAT GYM? 206 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,100 I'M ALWAYS IN THE STEAM ROOM. I SNORT VIAGRA. 207 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:11,303 I ALWAYS HAVE A BONER. I HAVE A TATTOO ON MY BALLSACK 208 00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:14,203 - OF A VAGINA. - WE DON'T GO TO THAT GYM. 209 00:10:14,233 --> 00:10:16,103 ARE YOU SURE? LOOK AT THIS PICTURE. 210 00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:18,633 THAT'S MY --, THERE'S MY BALLS, THAT'S A VA-- 211 00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:20,227 ( whispers ) HONEY, LET'S MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. 212 00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,227 FARMER'S MARKET. 213 00:10:23,133 --> 00:10:25,233 - NO. - OKAY. 214 00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:27,967 - DILDO FESTIVAL. - NO. 215 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,270 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO COLOR ME MINE? - THE POTTERY PLACE! 216 00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,030 - Both: YES! - I'VE GAY-BASHED THERE IN THE PARKING LOT. 217 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,730 - IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN? - NO. 218 00:10:36,767 --> 00:10:39,267 DID YOU SELL ME AN ICE CREAM TRUCK 219 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:42,130 WHERE THE DOORS LOCKED ON THE INSIDE? 220 00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,397 Both: HMM-MM. 221 00:10:44,433 --> 00:10:46,533 - ST. MARY'S CHURCH? - THE GAY BAR? 222 00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,927 - THE CHURCH. - ST. MARY'S CHURCH? 223 00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:50,297 OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID ST. GARY'S PERCH. 224 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:52,533 - I DON'T-- WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? - THIS IS CRAZY, 225 00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:55,127 BUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND MY WIFE LOOK SO ALIKE. 226 00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,997 - OH! - IS IT-- MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 227 00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:01,573 THE 69 SHOW-- THE GIRAFFE SHOW WHERE SHE WORKS. 228 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,900 IT'S A MAGIC SHOW. THEY STUFF KITTENS IN --. 229 00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:05,233 - ALL RIGHT. - OH, I-- NO. 230 00:11:05,267 --> 00:11:07,627 WHERE DO YOU SUCKER PUNCH BLIND PEOPLE? 231 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,700 - I'VE NEVER DONE THAT. - DEAF PEOPLE? 232 00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:12,873 OKAY, I THOUGHT WE KNEW YOU, BUT WE DON'T. 233 00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:14,500 NO, WE DO. I KNOW THAT FACE, MAN. 234 00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:16,703 I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO WATCH THE MOVIE IF WE DON'T GET THIS. 235 00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:19,373 - I'M NOT GOING TO EITHER. - WHERE DO YOU BUY AIDS? 236 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,730 - EGGS? - AIDS. 237 00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,067 - NOWHERE! - WE DON'T BUY-- 238 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,897 - WHERE DO YOU BUY AIDS EGGS? - SOME WOMEN HAVE AIDS 239 00:11:25,933 --> 00:11:28,533 - SO THEY ALSO HAVE AIDS EGGS. - I KNOW SOME WOMEN HAVE AIDS. 240 00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:31,297 - ( whistles ) - HI. 241 00:11:31,333 --> 00:11:33,903 - OH MY GOD. - OH MY GOD, WE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT? 242 00:11:33,933 --> 00:11:36,333 - IT'S DRIVING YOU CRAZY. OH MY GOSH. - Man: YEAH. 243 00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:37,867 IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY, DEFINITELY. 244 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:42,330 DID YOU USED TO WORK AT A THINK TANK AT AMERICAN GREETINGS? 245 00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:45,327 NO, I DID INTERN 246 00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,497 AT A STINK TANK AT AMERICAN FECES. 247 00:11:47,533 --> 00:11:51,073 I GOT IT, I GOT IT! DONNY-- HE LIVES IN LOS FELIZ-- 248 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,097 - HE MAKES PUBIC-HAIR SNOWMEN... - NO. 249 00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:54,933 ...AND HE HAS A CANNON THAT SHOOTS SEMEN. 250 00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:57,067 - SHOOTS IT HARD INTO YOUR FACE. - DO YOU TAKE COOKING CLASSES? 251 00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:00,970 I THINK I TOOK A MOROCCAN COOKING CLASS WITH YOU AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER. 252 00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:02,897 NO, THAT'S NOT IT. 253 00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:05,273 - WE SHOULD CHECK ON THE CAR. - DO YOU DO YOGA? 254 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,670 I DON'T! DO YOU -- GUYS FOR GASOLINE? 255 00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,130 - NO! - IT'S EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS. 256 00:12:12,167 --> 00:12:15,527 - NO NO, BACK WHEN IT WAS A DOLLAR. - NO, WE DON'T DO THAT. 257 00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:18,767 OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 258 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,530 WHERE DO YOU BUY PORTA-POTTIES AFTER A MUSIC FESTIVAL 259 00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,497 WHEN THEY'RE FULL, DUMP THEM ON PREGNANT WOMEN 260 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,273 AND THEN LAUGH WHILE YOU JERK OFF? 261 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,070 WE DON'T GO TO MUSIC FESTIVALS. 262 00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:31,497 - YOU DON'T? ALL RIGHT. - NO, WE DON'T. 263 00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,973 - DO YOU COLLECT RARE EGYPTIAN COINS? - HER DAD DOES. 264 00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,167 MY DAD HAS COLLECTED THEM HIS ENTIRE LIFE. 265 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,470 NO! WHAT'S YOUR DAD'S NAME? 266 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,300 - DAVID BROWNMAN. - BROWNMAN. 267 00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:43,073 - WHAT?! THAT'S IT! - ARE YOU SERIOUS? 268 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:45,600 - DAVID-- YOU'RE BIG DAVE'S DAUGHTER. - YOU'RE KIDDING ME? 269 00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:47,903 - I AM, YES. - UH, HI-- NICK. 270 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,873 HIS CAREGIVER AND HIS BATHER 271 00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,570 AT GOLDEN BROOK RETIREMENT HOME. 272 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,630 I'M IN CHARGE OF YOUR DAD'S DAY-TO-DAY NEEDS. 273 00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,797 MY DAD HAS HAD 274 00:12:57,833 --> 00:13:00,473 ALL OF HIS EGYPTIAN COINS STOLEN 275 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:02,600 - BY A CAREGIVER. - WHAT?! 276 00:13:02,633 --> 00:13:05,303 THAT'S TERRIBLE. 277 00:13:05,333 --> 00:13:08,573 WE'LL FIND THE CULPRIT. 278 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,630 SHH! OH, THE MOVIE'S GONNA START. 279 00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,627 ( music playing ) 280 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,667 - LET'S GO TO THE BATHROOM. - OKAY. 281 00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,830 - Man: THE MOVIE'S STARTING. - Woman: GET YOUR PHONE OUT! 282 00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:20,127 YOU WANT ME TO GO TRY AND TALK TO THEM A LITTLE? 283 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,297 YEAH RIGHT. 284 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,530 - ( music playing ) - ( cheering ) 285 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:29,767 WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. BEAUTIFUL CROWD. 286 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,800 YOU GUYS ARE GORGEOUS. I'M LETTING YOU DOWN. 287 00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:36,733 I LOOK HOMELESS. YOU GUYS LOOK GORGEOUS. 288 00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:39,667 I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THE OLIVE GARDEN. 289 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:43,570 AND IT SAID "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY" IS THEIR MOTTO. 290 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,830 SO EVERY TIME I EAT THERE, I ALWAYS ACCUSE THE WAITER OF MOLESTING ME. 291 00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,333 SO HERE'S A COUPLE MORE PRODUCTS FROM THE SHOW. 292 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,667 THESE ARE COMMERCIALS THAT DID NOT MAKE IT 293 00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:59,370 TO AIR. THE FIRST ONE... 294 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:03,070 THE THROILET. IT'S A THROILET. 295 00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:05,167 - IT'S A THRONE TOILET. - YEAH YEAH! 296 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,270 AND THIS MIGHT BE IN STORES SOMEDAY. 297 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:11,070 AND OUR MOTTO IS-- THIS IS THE MOTTO-- 298 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,897 "BE THE KING OF YOUR STINK." 299 00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:17,867 THIS GUY LEFT -- FOR SURE. 300 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:21,070 I CAN TELL. BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? 301 00:14:21,067 --> 00:14:23,127 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SO COCKY ABOUT YOUR --. 302 00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:26,167 YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "I NEED MORE TIME!" 303 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,370 THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING EVER. SO DUMB. 304 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,600 YOU GUYS, I'LL EMAIL YOU THAT PHOTO. 305 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:34,373 ALL RIGHT, THIS IS ANOTHER PRODUCT THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT. 306 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,730 THE-- THE ELECTRIC TOILET. 307 00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:40,197 JUST IN CASE-- 'CAUSE IF YOU GET ELECTROCUTED, 308 00:14:40,233 --> 00:14:43,073 YOU'RE GONNA -- YOURSELF, SO THIS IS TO SPARE YOU THAT EMBARRASSMENT. 309 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,167 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 310 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,100 I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ELECTROCUTE PEOPLE ANYMORE. 311 00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:51,103 IT'S IF YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE AND YOU GO BACK. WHATEVER. 312 00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:53,433 THIS NEXT ONE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES. 313 00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:55,727 TALKING ABOUT TOO LAZY TO RUN CHARITY, 314 00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:58,727 THIS IS SHOES THAT ARE 26 MILES LONG. 315 00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:02,367 SO YOU JUST TAKE ONE STEP, YOU JUST RAN A MARATHON. 316 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,930 ONE STEP-- BOOM! 317 00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:06,467 DONE. 26-MILE SHOES. 318 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:09,270 ALL RIGHT, ENJOY THIS NEXT SKETCH. 319 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,970 It's gorgeous. 320 00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:15,797 * WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND YOU ARE STILL A LITTLE SLEEPY * 321 00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:17,933 * POUR YOURSELF SOME CREEPIOS * 322 00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:20,627 * AND START YOUR MORNING CREEPY. * 323 00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:24,627 - HEY KIDS! - ( laughter ) 324 00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:26,627 CREEPIOS! 325 00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:29,127 WOW, MR. CREEPY. 326 00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,727 HE'S THE BEST. 327 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:34,327 GOOD MORNING, BILLY. HOW ARE YOUR DREAMS? 328 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,527 Announcer: AND DON'T FORGET THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. 329 00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:39,627 THIS THANKSGIVING, FILL YOUR TURKEY WITH PILGRIM RANDY STUFFING. 330 00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:42,867 - WHAT? - NOBODY STUFFS A TURKEY LIKE RANDY. 331 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,070 HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? 332 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,670 - CREEPIOS MAKES A BETTER STUFFING! - ( kids laugh ) 333 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:55,500 CREEPIO, CEREAL IS FOR BREAKFAST, NOT THANKSGIVING DINNER. 334 00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:57,333 - YEAH. - SILLY! 335 00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:58,897 HAPPY THANKSGIVING! 336 00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:01,873 YEAH, CREEPIO, LET THIS FAMILY GIVE THANKS THE RIGHT WAY. 337 00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:04,900 CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST IS STUPID. LET'S CUT THE TURKEY. 338 00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:07,073 HOW ABOUT I CUT YOU? 339 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:10,770 GIVE THANKS TO YOUR SEVERED HEAD. ( giggles ) 340 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,200 CREEPIO, STOP IT! YOU'RE BEING INAPPROPRIATE. 341 00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:15,603 I JUST WANT TO BE ENJOYED TOO. 342 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:17,733 MAYBE I COULD BE GRAVY. 343 00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:20,127 WHAT A STUPID CEREAL FREAK! 344 00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:22,067 WHAT DID YOU SAY? 345 00:16:24,533 --> 00:16:26,673 HOWDY, PILGRIM! 346 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:28,870 ( laughter ) 347 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,500 DAMN IT, CREEPIO! GO AWAY! 348 00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:32,333 DAD? 349 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:37,370 HUH, I JUST WANTED TO GIVE THANKS TOO. 350 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,770 I'M TIRED OF CREEPIO BULLYING EVERYONE, 351 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,670 TRYING TO BE IN EVERY MEAL. 352 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,070 IT'S THE LAND-OF-THE-LAKES-BUTTER INDIAN. 353 00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:47,073 ( whimpers ) 354 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:55,667 BUT THE CREEPIOS IS THE -- BEST! 355 00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:59,533 - ( grunts ) - ( giggles ) 356 00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:01,827 - ( groans ) - ( sobs ) 357 00:17:01,867 --> 00:17:04,697 - ( laughing ) - ( girl screams ) 358 00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:09,603 I JUST SCALPED A PILGRIM! 359 00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:14,327 IT'S ME, PETEY PUMPKIN FOR DESSERT! 360 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,867 OH --! CREEPIO! 361 00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:19,070 - ( screams ) - ( Creepio laughs ) 362 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:21,897 FINE FINE! WE'LL HAVE CREEPIOS FOR THANKSGIVING. 363 00:17:21,933 --> 00:17:25,173 JUST STOP KILLING FOOD CHARACTERS, ALL RIGHT? 364 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,330 THANK YOU! ( giggles ) 365 00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,767 GIVE THANKS! ( giggles ) 366 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,730 ISN'T THIS GREAT? HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AMERICA! 367 00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:38,067 YOU'RE THE BEST! YOU NEED SOME MORE GRAVY, DAD. 368 00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:39,927 Announcer: EAT CREEPIOS-- NOW FOR THANKSGIVING. 369 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,927 ACTUALLY, EVERY HOLIDAY. 370 00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:43,867 * POUR YOURSELF SOME CREEPIOS * 371 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:46,430 * AND START YOUR MORNING CREEPY. * 372 00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:57,267 Hello, I'm Linda Martin. We have breaking news 373 00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,370 about a missing woman in Taylor County. 374 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,570 We go live to our reporter in the field, Chip Paneling. 375 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,430 - Chip. - Thank you, Linda. 376 00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:07,297 I am here off route 16 in Gilmore Crossing 377 00:18:07,333 --> 00:18:09,673 where a massive search is underway for Doreen Blake, 378 00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:13,070 a woman who disappeared last night after fleeing the pickup truck 379 00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:15,267 of her estranged husband Billy Blake. 380 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,530 The couple were last seen fighting at a local bar. 381 00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:21,067 We're about a mile or so here from the search area, 382 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,100 - but I-- - ( shovel digging ) 383 00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:25,273 Um, okay, it looks like we've got somebody 384 00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:26,570 searching. 385 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,430 Uh, excuse me, sir! Are you part of the search party? 386 00:18:29,467 --> 00:18:31,697 Sir! 387 00:18:31,733 --> 00:18:34,273 How are you doing, sir? 388 00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:37,930 Are you part of the search party for Doreen Blake? 389 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,200 - Yeah. - Chip, that looks quite suspicious. 390 00:18:42,233 --> 00:18:44,673 Don't you think you should notify the police? 391 00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:46,770 Uh, no, Linda, I don't. 392 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,270 Because the police are out searching for a missing woman. 393 00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:51,570 Anyway, thanks for helping. 394 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,270 Chip, I believe that man is in fact the estranged husband 395 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,100 - of Doreen Blake. - Oh! I believe you're right. 396 00:18:58,133 --> 00:19:00,573 Mr. Blake, Mr. Billy Blake, right? 397 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,970 Yeah. 398 00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:06,067 Well, I just want to say that everyone here at Channel 12 News, 399 00:19:06,067 --> 00:19:07,897 we're very sorry for you. 400 00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:09,833 And you are in our prayers. 401 00:19:09,867 --> 00:19:12,697 - Thank you. - So, Linda, it appears 402 00:19:12,733 --> 00:19:15,073 that Billy Blake here has expanded the search 403 00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:18,627 and is out here, I guess, obviously 404 00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:22,127 digging around in hopes of locating 405 00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:24,627 his beloved ex-wife. Am I right about that? 406 00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:27,297 Uh, uh-- yeah. 407 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:31,433 Chip, aren't you concerned about the bag on the ground in the shape of a female body? 408 00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:33,927 Uh yeah. What's in the bag, Billy? 409 00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:35,297 It's, um, uh-- 410 00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,573 uh, my-- it's a cat. 411 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,530 My-- it's my-- it's a lot of cats, 412 00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:43,627 uh, got rabies and I gotta bury them. 413 00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:45,727 Chip: And I take it that's what scratched your face up. 414 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,827 Mmm, that's why my face is scratched, right. 415 00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:50,697 - Mm-hmm. - Chip! 416 00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:53,073 - Whew, ouch. - Call the police, Chip. 417 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,297 That man is murdering Doreen Blake. 418 00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:58,073 Um, okay, Linda, we're all murdering Doreen Blake 419 00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:00,027 - if we don't find her soon. - Chip, Chip! 420 00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,197 - That man-- you are not safe. - I don't know what your point is. 421 00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:05,473 - Can we-- - Oh, God, Mr. Blake. 422 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:09,470 I can't imagine what you're going through with the loss of the wife, 423 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,270 the loss of the cats, cat attack. 424 00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:14,270 - Can someone call the police?! - ( screaming ) 425 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,730 I mean this is just-- oh my god! It's a rabid-- 426 00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:19,767 - Linda, cats are standing on each other's shoulders... - Doreen! 427 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,330 - ...like some rabid cat totem pole. - ( siren blaring ) 428 00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:25,097 - Oh my god, they are running amok. - Doreen! 429 00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:28,633 Oh my god, officer, shoot the rabid cat totem pole! 430 00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:30,327 - ( gunshots ) - Oh my god. 431 00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:32,597 It's a cat in a totem pole. 432 00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:34,833 - ( gunshots ) - It's gotta be a sign of the apocalypse. 433 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,967 Rabid cat totem pole. 434 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,400 Thanks, Chip. 435 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:42,603 I'm sure it'll be fine. 436 00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:47,303 Coming up next a San Bernardino woman gives birth to a constellation 437 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,333 named Justin. We'll be right back. 438 00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,267 THANKS FOR TUNING IN TO ANOTHER SHOW. 439 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,200 - ( music playing ) - IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. 440 00:20:53,233 --> 00:20:55,173 I HOPED YOU LAUGHED. IF YOU DIDN'T, 441 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,700 THEN YOU'RE A GAY ROBOT. 442 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,270 WE'VE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT. I THINK I'VE GOT IT. 443 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,170 THERE'S A VIRAL VIDEO-- A GUY MAKES ELDERLY PEOPLE 444 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,330 DO NAKED PYRAMIDS AND THEN PUNCHES THEM DOWN. 445 00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:18,067 - NO. - THAT WOULDN'T EXPLAIN WHY I KNOW YOU... 446 00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:20,530 - Man: NOT AT ALL. - ...BUT THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW ME. 35353

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