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1
00:00:03,033 --> 00:00:06,103
( rock music playing )
2
00:00:10,267 --> 00:00:12,997
* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *
3
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:15,767
* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *
4
00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:18,233
- * THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. *
- ( applause and cheering )
5
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:22,330
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
WHOO.
6
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,970
UM, SO THIS IS A THING
THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
7
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,603
I FLY A LOT.
8
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:29,627
I'M NOT A BIG FAN
OF FLYING.
9
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,570
IT'S KIND OF LIKE--
10
00:00:31,633 --> 00:00:34,103
IT'S JUST LIKE A FART TUBE
'CAUSE PEOPLE JUST--
11
00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:36,197
HONEST, I DON'T LIKE IT.
IT'S GROSS.
12
00:00:36,267 --> 00:00:37,997
COUGHING--
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS SICK.
13
00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:39,927
THERE'S A BABY THAT
JUST WANTS TO FIGHT YOU.
14
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,130
IT'S JUST-- I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S AGGRESSIVE.
15
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,670
BUT SOMETIMES YOU GET
TO FLY FIRST CLASS,
16
00:00:44,733 --> 00:00:47,803
WHICH IS AWESOME,
BECAUSE WHEN YOU FLY
FIRST CLASS TO L.A.,
17
00:00:47,867 --> 00:00:51,267
YOU SEE A LOT OF CELEBRITIES.
SO I LIKE GEEK OUT SOMETIMES.
18
00:00:51,333 --> 00:00:53,233
SO THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
19
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,400
I'M ON A FLIGHT FROM L.A.
TO NEW YORK.
20
00:00:55,467 --> 00:00:57,827
AND I GET ON THE PLANE.
I GET TO MY SEAT.
21
00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:01,830
AND THE WINDOW SEAT
IS LIV TYLER SITTING THERE.
22
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:04,730
YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S LIKE--
THERE'S LIV RIGHT THERE.
23
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,930
AMAZING.
SHE'S ALSO THE ELF QUEEN.
24
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:11,197
REMEMBER HER?
SHE WAS LIKE--
( speaks gibberish )
25
00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:14,197
LIKE JUST-- HAD TO LEARN
ELF LANGUAGE-- LIKE WHAT THE --?
26
00:01:14,267 --> 00:01:17,327
I'VE DONE A BUNCH OF MOVIES.
NEVER HAD TO LEARN ELF LANGUAGE,
THANK GOD.
27
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,670
HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?
DO YOU HAVE A ROSETTA STONE
FOR --?
28
00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:23,403
LIKE MIDDLE EARTH
ROSETTA STONE?
29
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:27,467
SO SHE'S SITTING NEXT
TO ME AND SO I'M LIKE,
30
00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:29,633
DON'T-- I ALWAYS PLAY IT COOL.
I DON'T EVER FAN OUT.
31
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,300
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"WHAT'S UP?"
32
00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:33,727
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT LIKE,
"HOW ARE THE ELVES?
33
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,530
DO YOU TALK TO ANY OF THEM?
ARE THEY ALL RIGHT?"
34
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,500
SO I'M SITTING THERE,
I'M LIKE ALL RIGHT.
35
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:41,197
I GOTTA TAKE MY MIND OFF IT,
SO I'M JUST GONNA GO TO BED.
36
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:44,497
SO I PUT MY SEAT BACK.
AND IT GOES BACK FAR--
ALMOST LIKE A BED.
37
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,897
SO I LIE DOWN
AND THEN A MINUTE LATER,
38
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:49,727
SHE DOES THE SAME THING.
SHE PUTS HER THING DOWN.
39
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,830
SO NOW I'M
SLEEPING NEXT TO LIV TYLER.
IT'S LIKE THE -- WEIRDEST THING.
40
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:56,930
I'M LIKE SITTING THERE.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW?"
41
00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:59,067
WE'RE JUST SITTING THERE
ALL, LIKE, COZY.
42
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,227
I'M LIKE, "THIS IS WEIRD."
SO I FALL ASLEEP.
43
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,330
YOU KNOW, MY DREAMS
ARE ALL DEMENTED.
IT'S JUST ELVES
44
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,370
AND ORGIES.
IT WAS LIKE
45
00:02:06,433 --> 00:02:09,333
MY BRAIN JUST COULDN'T
PROCESS WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
46
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,170
JUST WAS LIKE,
"WHAT ARE WE DOING?!"
47
00:02:11,233 --> 00:02:14,673
SO THIS IS ANOTHER THING:
ON CERTAIN FLIGHTS--
48
00:02:14,733 --> 00:02:18,403
WHICH I DIDN'T
KNOW THIS-- THEY MAKE
FRESH CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.
49
00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:21,627
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT,
SO I'M SLEEPING AND I SMELL
50
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,700
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,
BUT I'M CONFUSED BECAUSE
I'M ON AN AIRPLANE.
51
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,627
SO I'M LIKE-- ( sniffs )
AND I KIND OF WAKE UP.
52
00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:28,870
AND I JUST KIND OF BLURT OUT,
I'M LIKE,
53
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:30,733
"WHAT IS THAT SMELL?"
54
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,130
I SWEAR TO GOD,
I LOOK OVER
55
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,070
AND LIV TYLER IS
JUST SITTING THERE.
56
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:37,870
AND SHE JUST LOOKS UP
AND SHE JUST GOES, "COOKIES!"
57
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:48,070
THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO WAKE UP
IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
58
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,170
- Man: YEAH!
- THE ONLY THING
59
00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:53,973
POSSIBLY BETTER--
IF THERE WAS JUST A BUNCH
OF ELVES ON MY --
60
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:56,797
LIKE--
( speaking gibberish )
61
00:02:56,867 --> 00:02:59,097
JUST CASTING SPELLS
ON MY BALLS OR SOMETHING.
62
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,133
Announcer:
SHE'S SUNG ABOUT
HER POKER FACE,
63
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,830
SHE'S TOLD US
TO JUST DANCE
64
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:07,070
AND SHARED WITH US
HER BAD ROMANCE.
65
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:09,900
BUT WHERE DOES IT ALL START
AND WHO DOES IT START WITH?
66
00:03:09,967 --> 00:03:12,527
ON THIS EPISODE
OF "FAMOUS SIBLINGS,"
67
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,200
WE TALK TO
LADY GAGA'S BROTHER
OFFICER GARRY GAGA.
68
00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:19,597
- HEY, GAGA.
- HOW YOU DOING THERE, CHIEF?
69
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,867
BY THE WAY, I LIKE
THE INK ON THE ARM.
70
00:03:21,933 --> 00:03:24,433
THAT MERMAID'S GOT
A NICE RACK TO HER, RIGHT?
71
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:27,530
SO WE'VE GOT A NEW CAPTAIN
COMING ON THE FORCE TODAY
72
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,470
ALL THE WAY
FROM MINOT, NORTH DAKOTA.
73
00:03:29,533 --> 00:03:32,173
- I HEARD HE'S
A PRETTY GOOD GUY.
- OFFICER.
74
00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:34,773
HOW ARE YOU DOING, CAPTAIN?
75
00:03:36,367 --> 00:03:39,227
AHHH.
76
00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:42,697
Garry:
YOU KNOW WHAT MUSIC
IS TO ME?
77
00:03:42,767 --> 00:03:44,697
SHOOTING SOMEBODY
IN THE FACE.
78
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:48,197
I TRIED TO WARM UP
TO THE NEW CAPTAIN
BY THROWING OUT
79
00:03:48,267 --> 00:03:50,667
SOME IDEAS I THOUGHT
WOULD HELP THE PRECINCT.
80
00:03:50,733 --> 00:03:54,673
THE THING IS ZEBRAS
AREN'T WHAT WE USE.
81
00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:57,633
NO, I HEAR YOU, SIR,
LOUD AND CLEAR ON THAT.
82
00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:00,400
WE USE AMERICAN HORSES.
83
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:03,097
WHAT IF I GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS
TO SIT ON THAT ZEBRA
84
00:04:03,167 --> 00:04:05,727
AND TRAMPLE
A CHILD MOLESTER?
85
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,830
IS THERE A WAY FOR YOU
TO NOT BE HERE ANYMORE?
86
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,700
- YEAH, I CAN WALK OUT OF HERE.
- THAT WOULD BE SENSATIONAL.
87
00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:14,567
YOU DON'T LIKE ZEBRAS
IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
88
00:04:14,633 --> 00:04:16,133
YES.
89
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,670
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
90
00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:24,167
- YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR?
- YES.
91
00:04:24,233 --> 00:04:27,733
SO A RIOT IS STARTED
BY ANIMAL RIGHTS PEOPLE.
92
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:31,070
AND YOU SHOW UP
ON A -- ZEBRA.
93
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:34,827
SIR, I HEAR YA
AND LET ME JUST SAY
IN MY DEFENSE,
94
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,830
YOU SAID NOT TO RIDE A ZEBRA.
I GOT A POLICE-ISSUED HORSE,
95
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:40,500
I PAINTED IT LIKE A ZEBRA.
THAT'S ANIMAL-SAFE PAINT.
96
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:43,867
WHICH IS THE REASON
THEY WERE PROTESTING
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
97
00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:46,273
( chanting )
PAINT HOUSES, NOT HORSES!
98
00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:48,703
HEY, EVERYONE DISPERSE.
GO BACK TO BURNING MAN
99
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:51,067
OR WHATEVER VEGAN ORGIES
YOU GUYS ARE DOING.
100
00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:53,073
HEY, SIR, YOU BETTER
GET OUT OF HERE!
101
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:55,933
OH MY GOD,
THAT'S AXE BODY SPRAY.
GOD DAMN IT!
102
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:57,767
THAT IS NOT THE POINT.
103
00:04:57,833 --> 00:05:00,503
LOOK, I'VE GOT
THE HUMANE SOCIETY UP MY ASS
104
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:04,227
AND I'VE GOT
TO STARE AT THESE CROWNS
AND GLITTERY SUITS EVERY DAY.
105
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:07,670
- IT'S RIDICULOUS!
- THIS SUIT-- BASED ON ONE
OF LADY'S FAMOUS OUTFITS--
106
00:05:07,733 --> 00:05:10,273
IT'S AWESOME.
HER OUTFIT SHOWED
A LOT MORE, BELIEVE ME.
107
00:05:10,333 --> 00:05:11,673
A LITTLE NIPS
AND A LITTLE BUSH.
108
00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:14,103
YOU HAVE TO MAKE
A CHOICE, DAMN IT.
109
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,867
WHAT COMES FIRST?
110
00:05:15,933 --> 00:05:18,803
ARE YOU A COP
OR ARE YOU A GAGA?
111
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,630
I BECAME A COP, SIR,
112
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:28,330
BUT I AM
AND ALWAYS WILL BE...
113
00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:33,567
A GAGA.
114
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,870
SIR, I WAS BORN THIS WAY.
115
00:05:39,933 --> 00:05:42,603
THAT'S ONE
OF LADY'S SINGLES.
116
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:44,697
THIS WASN'T A REMIX.
117
00:05:52,233 --> 00:05:53,533
NO!
118
00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:56,827
NO-OOO!
119
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,230
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN?
- YEAH, I'M GOOD.
120
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:11,400
- THANKS.
- ANY TIME.
121
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:12,867
I'M A GAGA.
122
00:06:12,933 --> 00:06:16,073
Captain:
WE ARE FOREVER INDEBTED
TO YOU,
123
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:17,827
GARRY GAGA.
124
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,530
WHOA, TIME OUT.
WHAT--
125
00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:24,767
LOOK AT THIS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW
LADY THIS VEST.
126
00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:26,173
ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.
127
00:06:26,233 --> 00:06:28,903
AND NOW I WOULD LIKE
TO INTRODUCE THE NEWEST
128
00:06:28,967 --> 00:06:32,127
MEMBER OF THE FORCE--
ANOTHER CELEBRITY SIBLING--
129
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,800
EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME
130
00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:37,097
JERRY SIMMONS.
131
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:45,400
( monitor beeps, flatlines )
132
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,330
I'M SORRY.
YOUR NANA HAS PASSED.
133
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,400
BUT I DIDN'T GET
TO TELL HER GOODBYE.
134
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,767
I DIDN'T GET TO TELL
HER I LOVED HER.
135
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,603
AND I WANTED TO TELL HER
SHE WAS THE BEST MOTHER
IN THE WORLD.
136
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:03,127
- I GUESS SHE'S GONE.
- NOT NECESSARILY.
137
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:10,267
THANKS TO NANASTALL,
NOW YOU CAN SAY THE THINGS
YOU NEVER COULD.
138
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:12,233
Man:
I WANTED TO TELL HER
I LOVED HER.
139
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,470
I NEVER TOLD NANA
HOW MUCH I LIKED HER RICE.
140
00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:17,073
I WANTED MY NANA TO KNOW
HOW SOFT HER HAND WAS.
141
00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:19,233
I WANTED NANA TO SIGN
THESE DOCUMENTS.
142
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:22,570
NANASTALL USES
A REVOLUTIONARY PUMPING DEVICE
143
00:07:22,633 --> 00:07:25,203
THAT LAUNCHES REVIVING FLUID
INTO YOUR NANA'S BRAIN,
144
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:29,467
BRINGING HER BACK TO LIFE
FOR A MAXIMUM OF TWO MINUTES.
145
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,573
- WHAT DO I DO?
- IT'S EASY.
146
00:07:31,633 --> 00:07:34,133
JUST MAKE AN INJECTION
INTO EACH ONE OF HER EYEBALLS.
147
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,730
PUSH IT IN AS FAR
AS IT CAN GO.
148
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,870
- RIGHT INTO HER EYEBALLS.
- ( gasps )
149
00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:41,773
OH MY GOD.
150
00:07:41,833 --> 00:07:43,073
( gasps )
151
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,103
NOW DO THE SAME THING
TO EACH ONE OF HER EARS.
152
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:46,797
PUSH THE NEEDLE ALL
THE WAY INTO HER EAR.
153
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,627
TRY TO GET
THE EARDRUM.
154
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,600
- ( all gasp )
- SORRY, MOM.
155
00:07:52,567 --> 00:07:53,827
( groans )
156
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:56,170
NOW DO ONE FINAL THRUST
INTO HER HEART...
157
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,497
FIVE TIMES HARD
158
00:07:58,567 --> 00:07:59,827
AND YOUR NANA
WILL BE BACK.
159
00:08:03,833 --> 00:08:06,533
- HARDER!
- ( screams )
160
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,700
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- START TALKING, START TALKING!
161
00:08:08,767 --> 00:08:10,697
- Boy: LOVE YOU, NANA!
- MY EYES BLED!
162
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:14,097
- WE LOVE YOU!
- I CAN'T HEAR! HELP ME!
163
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:17,827
- I'M GONNA MISS YOU, MAMA!
- WHAT'S YOUR PIN NUMBER?
164
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,470
- TELL ME.
- AM I IN HELL?
165
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:23,173
- WE'RE SORRY,
WE JUST WANTED TO--
- KILL ME, KILL ME!
166
00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:25,303
( monitor flatlines )
167
00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:29,797
NANASTALL--
'CAUSE NOTHING'S MORE PRECIOUS
THAN THAT LAST GOODBYE.
168
00:08:29,867 --> 00:08:32,227
HEY, THANK YOU.
169
00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:37,070
SHE LOOKS SO PEACEFUL.
170
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,070
WE'RE SPEAKING TODAY
WITH JOHN HARRIS,
171
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:43,073
WHO FOUR YEARS AGO
WAS ATTACKED BY HIS
BELOVED PET DOG
172
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:45,070
AND LEFT TRAGICALLY
DISFIGURED.
173
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:49,073
THIS WEEK,
AT THE DENNY'S MEDICAL CENTER,
A TEAM OF SURGEONS
174
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,467
GAVE JOHN
A FACE TRANSPLANT.
175
00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:55,333
TODAY WE SPEAK WITH JOHN
AND HEAR ABOUT HIS
AMAZING NEW FACE.
176
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,600
THANK YOU
FOR HAVING ME.
177
00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:01,903
SO YOU HAVE BEEN
THROUGH QUITE AN ORDEAL.
178
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:04,227
UH, YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT.
BUT I'M JUST GLAD
179
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:06,170
TO BE BACK LIVING
MY NORMAL LIFE.
180
00:09:06,233 --> 00:09:08,203
SO YOU'RE HAPPY
WITH YOUR NEW FACE?
181
00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:10,267
YEAH. I MEAN IT'S NOT
MY FIRST CHOICE,
182
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,103
BUT I DON'T HAVE
GREAT INSURANCE.
183
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:13,727
DO PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU
DIFFERENTLY NOW?
184
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,700
A LOT OF PEOPLE HONESTLY
SAY I LOOK LIKE KEVIN BACON.
185
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:19,097
OH, THAT'S--
YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE
BACON ON THE--
186
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,870
- PANCAKE.
- NO, IT'S BECAUSE I LOOK
LIKE A MOVIE STAR, OBVIOUSLY.
187
00:09:23,933 --> 00:09:26,103
I THINK IT'S THE BACON,
PERSONALLY. ANYBODY?
188
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:29,697
JOHN'S EYESIGHT COULD NOT BE
RESTORED IN THE SURGERY
189
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:32,067
BECAUSE HIS EYES
ARE TWO FRIED EGGS.
190
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,200
SURGEONS AT THE DENNY'S
MEDICAL CENTER,
191
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:37,297
LED BY DR. STEVEN YEW,
SPENT OVER 25 MINUTES
192
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,697
ON THE PROCEDURE.
193
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:42,097
I'M SO HAPPY NOW.
HONESTLY, I COULD CRY.
194
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:45,627
- ( sobbing )
- WOULD YOU LIKE A TISSUE?
195
00:09:47,933 --> 00:09:50,373
HOW DO YOU EAT WITH THE BACON?
DO YOU EAT YOUR OWN MOUTH?
196
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:54,073
THE BEST PART IS IS I CAN
PLAY WITH MY DAUGHTER NOW
197
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,800
AND SHE WON'T BE AFRAID.
( screams )
198
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,433
Announcer:
WHEN GOOD DRUNKS GO BAD,
199
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:03,900
THEY CALL HIM
FOR THE NEXT ROUND OF SHOTS--
200
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:06,897
A SHOT OF WHISPERS.
201
00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:09,827
( dubbed voice )
NO DRUNK IS TOO MUCH
FOR ME TO HANDLE.
202
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,100
I AM VINCENT NASTRI,
203
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:15,927
THE DRUNK WHISPERER.
204
00:10:18,767 --> 00:10:21,427
WE JUST GOT A CALL FROM A FRAT
HOUSE ABOUT A FRESHMAN PLEDGE
205
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,530
WHO'S OUT OF CONTROL.
THIS IS OUR MOST COMMON CALL.
206
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,270
Man:
WHAT THE--?
207
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:33,727
YEAH!
WHO WANTS TO -- ME?
208
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,570
- WHO WANTS TO -- ME?
- DIRK, DUDE,
209
00:10:36,633 --> 00:10:39,833
I THINK THINGS ARE GETTING
A LITTLE OUT OF HAND, BRO.
210
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,300
YO, WHASSUP, DUDE!
211
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:44,127
YEAH, MAN, LET'S PARTY!
212
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,830
YEAH, MAN!
WHO ARE YOU, --?
213
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:49,000
HEY, MAN, I'M FROM
THE SOUTHERN CHAPTER.
214
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:51,667
LOOKING FOR SOME --
TO PUT UNDER MY STASH, DUDE.
215
00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:55,603
OH YEAH!
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT,
216
00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:57,527
--!
217
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:03,627
WHEN A WHITE GUY SAYS --,
THAT'S WHEN WE'RE IN
A DANGEROUS POINT.
218
00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:08,673
- NO FAT CHICKS, RIGHT?
- NO WAY, BRAH.
219
00:11:08,733 --> 00:11:10,673
- NO WAY, DUDE.
- NO, NEVER.
220
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:13,303
SAYING NO FAT CHICKS
IMMEDIATELY DISARMS HIM.
221
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,297
HE NOW TRUSTS ME.
222
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:17,067
UP TOP, DUDE!
223
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:19,467
OW!
224
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:22,833
GIVING HIM A HARD HIGH-FIVE
ESTABLISHES DOMINANCE
RIGHT AWAY.
225
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:25,830
IT'S OKAY TO PARTY, HE JUST
NEEDS TO KNOW THAT I'M
THE ALPHA MALE HERE
226
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:29,130
AND THE PARTY WILL
HAPPEN ON MY TERMS.
NOW I WILL END THIS.
227
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,070
YO, WHASSUP, DUDE?
228
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:32,970
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE NEED TO PASS OUT
229
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,567
AND GET OUR REST
BECAUSE TOMORROW
230
00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:37,403
WE NEED TO DAY DRINK
AND GET OUR -- ON!
231
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:39,367
- RIGHT?
- TOTALLY.
232
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:41,633
- CRASH IT OUT, HOMIE MAN.
- TOTALLY.
233
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,700
- YO, I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU, BRO.
234
00:11:43,767 --> 00:11:46,327
BROS FOR LIFE--
ALL DAY.
235
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,170
WE DID THIS.
236
00:11:52,533 --> 00:11:54,473
( rock music playing )
237
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:58,127
DO PEOPLE STILL DO THAT?
RAISING THE ROOF?
238
00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,197
SO HERE'S A COUPLE
MORE PRODUCTS
239
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:05,067
THAT DID NOT MAKE THE CUT
OF BEING ACTUAL PRODUCTS.
240
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:07,533
FIRST OF ALL, DRINKING
AND DRIVING-- TERRIBLE.
241
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,430
DON'T DO IT.
I HAVE FRIENDS WHO'VE DONE IT.
242
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:11,400
I'M LIKE,
WHY DO PEOPLE STILL--
LIKE, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO HAVE,
243
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,067
LIKE, "YEAH,
I'VE GOT TWO D.U.I.S."
244
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,570
I WAS LIKE,
WASN'T THAT ONE THE SUCK?
245
00:12:15,633 --> 00:12:17,103
"YEAH, IT WAS BAD."
246
00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:18,867
BUT YOU -- GOT
ANOTHER ONE.
247
00:12:18,933 --> 00:12:20,433
"YEAH, WHOOPS."
248
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,430
SO PEOPLE STILL DO IT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
249
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,500
SO I'M THINKING THEY SHOULD
HAVE A WINDSHIELD
250
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,397
WHERE YOU SEE STUFF
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT.
251
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:30,327
SO IT JUST PROJECTS
IMAGES OF LIKE A PIZZA,
252
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,400
A KARAOKE MACHINE.
253
00:12:32,467 --> 00:12:35,697
NO DRUNK PERSON'S GOING
TO TOTAL A KARAOKE MACHINE.
254
00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:37,227
YEAH!
255
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,070
ARE YOU GUYS N.B.A. FANS?
DO YOU LIKE BASKETBALL?
256
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,273
- ( cheering )
- YEAH.
257
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:43,573
IT'S A GOOD SPORT.
258
00:12:43,633 --> 00:12:46,333
I'M A TIMBERWOLVES FAN.
A LITTLE TOUGH.
259
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,730
WE GOT KEVIN LOVE
WHO'S THE MAN.
260
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,800
AND I THINK WE SHOULD JUST
SURROUND HIM WITH REAL WOLVES
261
00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:53,897
AT THIS POINT.
HE'LL JUST TAKE IT
TO THE HOLE,
262
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:57,067
THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE-- RRRR!
AND JUST MAUL OTHER
GUYS' ANKLES.
263
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,597
MY FAVORITE TEAM NAME IS--
264
00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:01,397
I LIKE THE MAGIC.
265
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:03,367
'CAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN
A REAL THING.
266
00:13:03,433 --> 00:13:05,503
I'M LIKE, WHAT THE --
ARE THEY DOING?
267
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,097
OTHER TEAMS ARE LIKE
THE WOLVES, THE BULLS,
268
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:11,067
LIKE ALL THESE THINGS.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'LL JUST
BE MAGIC."
269
00:13:11,133 --> 00:13:13,603
YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE MAGIC.
270
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,597
IT'S SO COCKY TO DO THAT.
271
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:18,127
I THOUGHT IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN FUNNY THOUGH
IF, LIKE, THE FIRST GAME
272
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,470
THAT THEY PLAYED AS THE MAGIC,
IF THEY JUST CAME OUT
AND THEY JUST
273
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,403
PRETENDED TO DRIBBLE A BALL.
274
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:25,227
AND THE TEAM'S LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THERE'S NO BALL."
275
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:28,070
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"YEAH, THERE IS.
276
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:29,803
MAGIC."
277
00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:32,297
AND THE TEAM'S LIKE,
"I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE MAGIC.
278
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:35,427
THEY'RE SCARY.
THEY HAVE POWERS, MAN.
IT'S NOT FAIR."
279
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:38,470
AND THE WEIRDEST NAME
TO ME IS THE HEAT.
280
00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:41,133
IT'S WEIRD
'CAUSE IT'S LIKE--
281
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,430
IT'S NOT LIKE THE FIRE!
LIKE THE FLAMES.
282
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,900
IT'S JUST LIKE,
"YEAH, WE'RE THE HEAT.
283
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:48,197
JUST HEAT, MAN."
OH, YOU'RE GOOD.
284
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:51,527
THIS NEXT SKETCH WAS NOMINATED
FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD.
285
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,873
- ( whistle blows )
- ( cheering )
286
00:13:58,367 --> 00:14:00,497
P.A.:
Time out.
287
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,367
* I give you my heart... *
288
00:14:02,433 --> 00:14:04,133
- OH.
- Man: YEAH!
289
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,270
* You're the one
I want to see... *
290
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,733
NO WAY!
OH MY GOSH.
291
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,670
WE'VE NEVER--
292
00:14:10,733 --> 00:14:12,733
( crowd booing )
293
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:16,573
- WHY ARE THEY BOOING?
- OH MY GOD.
294
00:14:16,633 --> 00:14:18,133
IT SAYS "FIST CAM."
295
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,170
WHAT?
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
296
00:14:21,233 --> 00:14:23,373
- FIST CAM?
- ( chanting )
FIST FIST FIST FIST!
297
00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:25,273
FIST FIST FIST FIST!
298
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:27,403
- THIS HAS GOT TO BE
A PRANK OR SOMETHING.
- NICK, WHAT DO WE DO?
299
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,197
JUST SMILE AND WAVE.
IT'S OBVIOUSLY--
300
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:31,597
( screams )
OW!
301
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:32,867
OH MY GOD,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
302
00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:34,873
FIST FIST FIST FIST!
303
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:36,233
STOP IT!
WE'RE NOT FISTING.
304
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,900
GET YOUR STUFF.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON.
305
00:14:37,967 --> 00:14:40,527
- GET YOUR STUFF.
- OKAY.
306
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,400
- HAVE A SEAT, SIR.
- HEY, THIS IS CRAZY.
307
00:14:42,467 --> 00:14:44,497
- YOU SEE THE CAMERA, RIGHT?
- YEAH, THIS IS CRAZY.
308
00:14:44,567 --> 00:14:45,867
OKAY OKAY,
SO LET'S GO.
309
00:14:45,933 --> 00:14:48,333
- LET'S GO WHAT?
- START FISTING!
310
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,330
- IS THIS A JOKE?
- WHO EXACTLY IS DOING...?
311
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,130
- YOU FIST HIM.
- DON'T ASK. WHAT--
312
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,870
- NICK, WHAT DO I DO?
- I THINK YOU KNOW, OKAY?
313
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:57,403
DON'T I NEED LUBE?
314
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,127
NICK, LET'S JUST
GET THIS OVER WITH.
315
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,570
- ( whistle blows )
- ( groaning )
316
00:15:05,633 --> 00:15:08,803
STOP IT!
WHAT THE --?!
317
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:12,067
REALLY?
YOU WERE GONNA
FIST ME WITH CHEESE?
318
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:14,933
- I'M SORRY.
- THIS IS INSANE.
319
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,767
- ( whistle blows )
- NO.
320
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:17,933
NO!
321
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:19,527
NO, THE FIST CAM.
RUN!
322
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,100
- OH NO, YOU'RE ON IT AGAIN!
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
323
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:25,067
JUST DO IT
AND GET IT OVER WITH.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
324
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,067
OH WAIT, UH--
325
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:29,127
- YOU'RE ON IT WITH HIM.
- WITH WHO?
326
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:36,173
OH MY GOD.
OH MY GOD.
327
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:39,627
I LOVE YOU.
TELL MY PARENTS I LOVE THEM.
328
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,270
IT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
329
00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:43,773
I CAN'T DO IT.
NOBODY CAN DO THAT.
330
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:46,173
- DO IT FOR THE TEAM.
- GET HIM A LOT OF CHEESE.
331
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:47,803
GET HIM A LOT OF CHEESE!
332
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:52,873
- ( bangs hands )
- HERE.
333
00:15:52,933 --> 00:15:55,073
ONE GOLD WATCH.
334
00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:57,633
- POWERBAR.
- 15 YEARS.
335
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,100
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE WORLD'S LIKE ANYMORE.
336
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,367
- YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
- THANKS.
337
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:18,697
( beeping )
338
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,870
NO.
339
00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:30,427
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME,
I'M IN THE ELEVATOR.
340
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,070
GOING TO
THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
341
00:16:33,133 --> 00:16:34,773
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
342
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,467
I'M STUCK
IN THE ELEVATOR.
343
00:16:38,533 --> 00:16:42,133
HELLO!
I'M IN THE ELEVATOR!
344
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,830
STUCK!
345
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,530
( groaning )
346
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,070
HELLO?
YEAH, I'M IN THE ELEVATOR.
347
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,330
OW!
348
00:16:52,333 --> 00:16:53,973
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
349
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:59,397
( beeps )
350
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,630
NO NO.
351
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,770
NO!
352
00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:42,197
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
353
00:17:43,467 --> 00:17:45,067
( unzips )
354
00:17:50,633 --> 00:17:52,303
( soft snore )
355
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:59,200
( coughs )
WHY?
356
00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:02,197
BECAUSE YOU TOOK MY FOOD,
YOU TOOK MY JACKET
357
00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:04,967
- AND THEN YOU
MOUTH-RAPED ME.
- NO!
358
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,827
I'M JUST A GAY GUY
WHO WENT TO--
( coughs )
359
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:10,070
GET MY CHECK AT CINNABON.
360
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:13,773
AND I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A GAY GUY
WHO WAS JUST REALLY GENEROUS.
361
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:18,903
- OH.
- YOU GAVE ME YOUR JACKET
362
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:21,067
AND YOUR POWERBAR.
363
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:26,800
AND YOU BLEW ME!
364
00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:30,267
NEXT UP A HEARTWRENCHING
STORY OF A MAN
365
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,333
WHO COMPLETED
A 15-YEAR PRISON SENTENCE
366
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,430
AND ON THE DAY HE GOT OUT
WAS STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR
FOR ANOTHER 15 YEARS.
367
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:40,170
WE NOW GO TO THE LIVE PRESS
CONFERENCE FOR ADRIAN MOORE.
368
00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:42,333
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
369
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,530
THERE'S FOUR SECURITY CAMERAS
IN THAT ELEVATOR.
370
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,730
THIS QUESTION IS
FOR THE MAINTENANCE MAN.
371
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,970
GOOD IDEA.
LET'S ASK HIM SOME QUESTIONS.
372
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,927
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG
TO FIND MR. MOORE?
373
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,727
WELL, THIS IS GONNA
SOUND STUPID, BUT--
374
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,300
I BET YOU $1,000
IT'S STUPID.
375
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:02,167
UH, THE DAY HE GOT STUCK
I GOT INTO WORK
376
00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:05,533
AND, YOU KNOW, I CAME IN.
AND NORMALLY I JUST THROW
MY JACKET
377
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,400
ON THE HOOK
ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR,
378
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:11,527
BUT I THREW--
I THINK I THREW 'EM ON TOP
OF THE SECURITY MONITORS.
379
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,270
SO YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY
LOUD SCREAMING OR BANGING?
380
00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:17,073
EVERY DAY?
AND SOBBING?
DID YOU HEAR SOBBING?
381
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:21,503
- OR PRAYING FOR DEATH?
- I THOUGHT THE ELEVATOR SHAFT
WAS HAUNTED.
382
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:24,827
IT WAS HAUNTED.
BY A LIVING GHOST
WHO WAS DYING.
383
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:29,070
( laughs )
WELL, WE SHOULD CALL
GHOSTBUSTERS THEN, HUH?
384
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,070
I'M VERY SORRY,
MR. MOORE.
385
00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,197
NAW, IT'S COOL, MAN.
386
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:36,897
MR. MOORE, WHAT WAS LIFE
IN THE ELEVATOR LIKE?
387
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,797
CAN YOU WALK US
THROUGH A TYPICAL DAY?
388
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,697
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO PRISON, SIR?
389
00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:42,497
YES, ACTUALLY,
FOR A SEXUAL ASSAULT.
390
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,167
OH, THAT'S COOL.
391
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,673
IT WAS BASICALLY
LIKE THAT.
392
00:19:46,733 --> 00:19:49,673
AND, YOU KNOW, TO PASS THE TIME
I MADE SOME TATTOOS.
393
00:19:49,733 --> 00:19:53,073
I TATTOOED A PICTURE
OF STAIRS
394
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:55,673
AND WEPT BECAUSE I WISH
I HAD TAKEN THEM.
395
00:19:55,733 --> 00:19:57,303
I GOT A ROW OF BUTTS.
396
00:19:57,367 --> 00:20:00,467
YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE
I WANTED TO HAVE AN ORGY--
397
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,103
ANAL ORGY.
THEN I HAVE A GUN
SHOOTING AN ELEVATOR,
398
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:06,767
'CAUSE I WAS A LITTLE BITTER.
I GOT A LITTLE BITTER
AT THE ELEVATOR
399
00:20:06,833 --> 00:20:09,473
- AFTER A WHILE.
- I THINK WE HAVE
EVERYTHING WE NEED.
400
00:20:09,533 --> 00:20:11,673
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, GUYS.
401
00:20:22,933 --> 00:20:24,333
OH!
402
00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:28,703
OH.
( chuckles )
403
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:31,667
CHEESECAKE!
I'M GONNA GET ONE
WITH CHOCOLATE CHIP.
404
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,670
CHOCOLATE-- CHEESECAKE!
405
00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:38,303
( door closes )
406
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:39,867
CHEESECAKE!
407
00:20:39,933 --> 00:20:42,433
NO NO, OPEN.
408
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:45,170
PLEASE OPEN.
PLEASE OPEN!
409
00:20:45,233 --> 00:20:49,073
PLEASE OPEN!
OH NO!
410
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:52,003
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR TUNING IN.
411
00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:55,567
I OWE YOU A HIGH-FIVE
412
00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:57,233
AND A LOW-FIVE.
413
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,000
- ( theme music playing )
- WHOO!
414
00:21:03,967 --> 00:21:04,067
Man: TERRIFIC.
31737
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