Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

( applause and cheering )

WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

I, UH-- I WAS A CAT PERSON MY WHOLE LIFE.

- NOW I HATE THEM. - Man: YEAH!

SO THIS HAPPENED TO ME WITH MY MOM'S CAT.

SHE GOT A BRAND-NEW CAT.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WARM UP TO HIM.

YOU JUST GOTTA GET TO KNOW HIM."

SO I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT. SO I GO TO MY MOM'S HOUSE

AND SHE GOES TO BED-- IT'S LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

SO I'M-- I'M GONNA SPEND SOME TIME WITH THIS CAT.

I'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF HIM.

THIS IS HER CAT. HIS NAME IS NICKEL.

- Woman: AWW. - YEAH, DON'T -- SAY "AW."

OKAY? JUST WAIT.

I KNOW HE LOOKS GREAT RIGHT NOW.

HE LOOKS SO NICE.

SO IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'M LYING ON THE CARPET OF MY MOM'S APARTMENT ON THE FLOOR.

AND THE CAT'S NEXT TO ME LYING DOWN PARALLEL.

I'M HAVING A NICE MOMENT.

I'M PETTING THIS THING. AND OUT OF NOWHERE

THE CAT JUST GOES BAT--.

AND HE DOES THAT WEIRD CAT THING

WHERE HE DOES THAT GROWL--

WHERE IT'S LIKE... ( throaty growl )

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE --?"

THEN HE DOES THE CLASSIC-- ( hisses )

THAT HISS AND THAT'S LIKE, "SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN."

SO HE ATTACKS ME... ( mimics cat screech )

...FULL-ON. I'M IN BOXERSHORTS AND LIKE A T-SHIRT

AND HE JUST GOES AFTER ME AND STARTS CLAWING MY LEGS.

JUST... ( screeches )

I'M FREAKING OUT. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M TRYING TO GET THIS CAT OFF ME.

I RUN INTO THE BATHROOM.

I'M A GROWN MAN, I'M HOLDING THE DOOR.

"OH MY GOD. WHAT DO I DO?"

THE CAT-- THIS IS HOW PSYCHO THEY ARE

AND THEY'RE SMART-- IT'S A ONE-FLOOR APARTMENT AT MY MOM'S PLACE.

HE GOES AROUND THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LIVING ROOM,

THEN THROUGH MY BEDROOM TO THE OTHER DOOR

OF THE BATHROOM BEHIND ME.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M SITTING THERE AND I JUST HEAR...

( throaty growl )

I WAS LIKE, "NO-O-O-O."

THE CAT'S LIKE... ( screeches )

ROUND 2 OF CAT VERSUS LEG.

MAULED!

AWFUL. I LOCK HIM IN THE BATHROOM,

SHUT HIM IN, GO TO SLEEP.

LIKE, "OH MY GOD, THAT WAS CRAZY."

SO I GO AND I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND I WALK OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MY MOM'S IN THE KITCHEN MAKING BREAKFAST.

AND THE CAT'S ON THE COUCH,

SITTING THERE SO COCKY LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY MAN, GOOD MORNING."

I WAS, LIKE, SO READY TO JUST NARC THE CAT OUT.

I WAS SO PSYCHED. I MEAN I HAVE ALL THESE SCARS.

AND I GO, "MOM!"

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT? OH MY GOD.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS?"

AND I GO, "WHAT HAPPENED? YOUR -- CAT.

THAT CAT ATTACKED ME, MAULED ME LAST NIGHT."

I SWEAR TO GOD, MY MOTHER-- MY OWN MOTHER,

KNOWN HER MY WHOLE LIFE--

SHE GOES LIKE THIS, SHE GOES,

"NO, YOU DID THAT,"

GOES BACK TO MAKING BREAKFAST.

I DID THAT?! WHAT THE --?!

LIKE, WHAT? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

I JUST TOOK A FORK, LIKE "I'M GONNA FRAME THIS -- CAT."

( screams )

JUST -- RAKED MY OWN LEGS?

-- CAT.

Announcer: PARTY PANTS-- THE 1 ACCESSORY

FOR A NIGHT OUT. NO BOOZE CAN STAIN IT,

- NONE! - * The pants that party...

NICE TRY, BEER!

NOT EVEN CLOSE, WINE. SUCK IT.

AND PARTY PANTS GETS YOU OUT OF LADY TROUBLE

WITH OVER 5,000 EXCUSES ALONG THE BELT LINE.

UM, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU ALL NIGHT?

( slurring ) I SAW A GHOST. HE HAD A GUN

AND THEN HE TRIED TO RAPE ME.

POOR BABY.

* Thank you, Party Pants... *

Announcer: PARTY PANTS CAN ALSO START THE PARTY--

MADE FROM A HEMP/HASH MATERIAL ALL THE WAY FROM AMSTERDAM.

* Gets you high...

IT HAS A SMOOTH CLEAN TASTE.

PARTY PANTS CAN ALSO GIVE YOU THAT ADDED CONFIDENCE

EVERY GUY NEEDS WHEN HE'S CRUISING FOR THE BEEF.

( clicks, mechanical whirr )

* There's a party in my Party Pants... *

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

PARTY PANTS KNOWS KARATE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE CONSCIOUS FOR PARTY PANTS TO KICK SOME "ICE."

AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, PARTY PANTS CAN DRIVE YOU HOME.

( honks )

NICE TRY, D.U.I., SUCK MY --!

THIS SUMMER, WEAR THE RIGHT PANTS-- PARTY PANTS.

CAN WE SMOKE SOME MORE PANTS?

NO, DUDE, WE CAN'T, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN SEE MY BALLS.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

ANOTHER O.D. LOOKS LIKE COCAINE.

SHE'S GOT COCAINE ALL OVER HER BREASTS.

WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

WHO DID SHE COME WITH? DID ANYBODY DROP HER OFF?

HE'S IN THE WAITING ROOM. HE TRIED TO LEAVE. WE STOPPED HIM.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THIS IS THE FOURTH GIRL THIS WEEK. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS?

Computer voice: I think these hos can't handle their snow.

You ski with me, you brace for a blizzard.

- YOU'RE DISGUSTING. - You know what else is disgusting?

- WHAT? - Your mouth, which doubles as a -- garage

- for every black guy in this hospital. - DAMN IT!

Do you have doctor-approved roofies?

NO. THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

Do you have catnip laced with angel dust?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH.

( announcer speaks )

* I WANNA DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO *

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD

* TO BE BAD

* I CAN'T REFUSE A LITTLE BREAKIN' THE RULES *

* 'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANT

* WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE

* DANCE ALL NIGHT ON THE WILD SIDE *

* IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD BAD BAD BAD. *

YOU'RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. THIS GIRL ALMOST DIED.

I almost died of embarrassment,

but nobody seems to care.

Stay high or die.

WOW, THAT'S A REALLY NICE ATTITUDE.

WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO KEEP THIS OUT OF THE PRESS,

BUT THE POLICE HAVE BEEN ASKING ABOUT YOU.

Oh no, po-po.

YOU THE GUY THAT DROPPED OFF THE GIRL?

CUT THE CRAP, CAT. I KNOW YOU CAN TALK.

I am a cat.

OH. KITTY CAT SAY MEOW?

IS THAT WHAT KITTY CAT SAY?

Yes. Meow. Purr.

I also say purr when I am happy.

HOW DOES KITTY CAT LIKE THE SOUND OF JAIL

AND HAVING "PURR-VERTS" INVADE HIS FELINE BEHIND?

HUH? THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE "ME-OUCH."

You got nothing, pig. Stick to what you do know--

diving on -- while taking --.

I'M GONNA GET YOU, CAT. I'M GONNA GET YOU.

EXCUSE ME. WE SEEM TO BE MISSING

SEVERAL SYRINGES AND SOME DRUGS.

WOULD YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

No, but I have two furry Skittles down here

that could use a tongue bath.

REALLY? WELL, WHAT'S THIS THEN?

HUH? LOOKS LIKE OUR MISSING DRUGS.

Um, that's my litter box.

Kitty say meow while make smelly.

I'M GONNA GO GRAB THAT COP.

Don't do that, --.

We've got to bounce. Quick, grab that doctor's jacket.

I have an idea.

DOCTOR, DOCTOR,

WE NEED YOU IN SURGERY, STAT!

I've got to make a house call.

I'm going to your mom's place

to turn her into a semen garage.

HELLO, MY NAME IS ED DICKSON.

AND MY LATE GREAT-GRANDMA AND PA STARTED A PLACE

CALLED DICKSON'S FAMILY BARBECUE RESTAURANT.

PEOPLE LOVED IT. AND IT FRANCHISED ALL OVER OUR GREAT NATION.

BUT, LIKE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY,

WE WERE HIT BY HARD ECONOMIC TIMES.

SO SINCE I INHERITED THE PLACE,

I DECIDED TO CHANGE THE NAME

TO BIG TITS EAT FREE!

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

AT THE RISK OF OVERSTATING THE OBVIOUS,

AT BIG TITS EAT FREE, LADIES WITH BIG TITS EAT FREE.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

IT'S NOT COMPLICATED. YOU HAVE BIG TITS,

YOU DON'T PAY FOR FOOD.

OR YOU PAY FOR FOOD

AND THEN YOU USE YOUR EYEBALLS TO STARE AT TITS.

- OKAY, LET'S GO. YOU EAT FREE. - ( beeping )

YES! YOU EAT FREE!

YOU EAT FREE. YOU EAT FREE--

WHOA WHOA WHOA. SORRY SIR, YOU GOT TO PAY.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOU? FREE APPETIZER OKAY? THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'VE GOT A GUN IN YOUR VAGINA.

IT SAYS THAT ON THE MONITOR.

LET'S GET SECURITY OVER HERE, BUT YOU CAN EAT FREE.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

ADULTS EATING FOR FREE GET A FREE KIDS' SIZE T-SHIRT.

WEAR THAT T-SHIRT ON YOUR RETURN VISIT, GET IT WET,

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY EATS FOR FREE.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE

* BONUS!

I DON'T THINK OUR MOTHER WOULD'VE APPRECIATED THIS.

THIS IS MY BROTHER MIKE. HE'S STUPID.

AND OUR MOTHER WOULD'VE LOVED IT.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

AND BIG TITS EAT FREE IS FAMILY-FRIENDLY

AS TITTY McGEE ALWAYS SERVES UP FRESH MILK AND ICE CREAM FOR THE KIDS.

THIS IS MY WIFE. SHE EATS FREE EVERY DAY.

AND THIS IS OUR LITTLE BABY ARLENE.

SOMEDAY SHE'LL EAT FREE, WON'T YOU, ARLENE?

- IF YOU DON'T, WE'LL GIVE YOU AWAY. - ( Arlene cries )

SO COME ON DOWN. IF YOU'VE GOT BIG TITS,

WE'VE GOT GREAT FOOD AND NO PRICES!

- ( alarm beeps ) - WHOA!

HONEY, THAT'S ADORABLE, BUT YOU DON'T EAT FREE.

THAT'S ADORABLE THOUGH. THERE YOU GO.

AND REMEMBER, IF YOU'VE GOT FAKE TITS,

YOU EAT FREE FOREVER,

HERE AND AT MY OWN HOME.

* BIG TIT, BIG TIT

* BIG TITS.

HEY, BISCUIT. YOU HUNGRY?

SPOILER ALERT: I'M GONNA PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER ON MY BALLS!

- ( Biscuit whimpers ) - I'M GONNA PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER IN MY --.

On today's "People's Corner,"

WE INTERVIEW INTERESTING ENTREPRENEUR FRANK JASPERS.

HE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET A BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND.

DOESN'T SOUND TOO CRAZY, RIGHT?

WELL, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU

HE'S HAD 15 FAILURES IN FIVE YEARS

AND SPENT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

OF HIS OWN MONEY?

- WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST VENTURE? - IT WAS A MAID SERVICE.

- OH, SOUNDS GOOD. - YEAH, IT WAS CALLED "FULL BLOWN MAIDS."

BUT PEOPLE DIDN'T GET IT?

Jaspers: UH NO, THEY DID NOT SIGN UP

FOR ANY MAID SERVICE FROM US. WE WERE REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

WE HAD SOME REALLY GREAT LADIES THERE AND, UH--

- HOW'D YOU COME ABOUT THE NAME? - IT WAS A NO-BRAINER OF A NAME.

UH, BUT NOT IN THE RIGHT WAY.

SO YOUR NEXT BUSINESS WAS YOU STARTED A DINER,

- ACTUALLY RIGHT? - YEAH, "FULL BLOWN EGGS."

AGAIN, NO CUSTOMERS.

PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY BUMMED OUT,

WHICH WE THOUGHT WAS WEIRD.

OKAY, UM...

WHY WOULD YOU STICK WITH THAT "FULL BLOWN" THING?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AGAIN?

AGAIN, IT WAS A NO-BRAINER. YOU COME IN,

THE EGGS ARE FULL, YOU CRACK 'EM,

YOU JUST BLOW 'EM ALL OVER THE GRILL...

- IT'S NOT A TERM-- - ...COOK 'EM UP AND * EAT 'EM UP!

THAT TERM IS NOT USED OR ASSOCIATED WITH EGGS EVER,

- LIKE YOU HAVE SCRAMBLED, OVER-EASY-- - FULL BLOWN.

THE NEXT VENTURE YOU HAD, YOU GOT AWAY FROM THE "FULL BLOWN" THING,

THANKFULLY. AND I GUESS YOU OPENED UP A WINE STORE.

THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING. WHY DON'T YOU TELL US A BIT ABOUT THAT?

- ( mimics slurring ) IT WAS PRETTY GOOD. - ( laughs )

EVERYONE FOCUSES ON RED WINE, BUT I WANTED TO FOCUS ON WHITE WINE.

- I LIKE WHITE. - I OPENED UP A STORE CALLED "WHITE POWER."

Greer: THAT WAS THE NAME OF IT?

YES. JUST POWER TO THE WHITE WINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THAT STORE CLOSED IMMEDIATELY.

IT DIDN'T CLOSE. IT WAS BURNED DOWN.

MY WIFE WAS IN THE STORE AT THE TIME,

- WHICH-- WE TOOK A HIT ON THAT. - I'M SORRY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE RISK YOU RUN WHEN YOU OPEN A BUSINESS.

WELL, NOT EVERY BUSINESS RUNS THAT RISK.

OKAY AND I THINK YOUR NEXT BUSINESS, YOU FIXED VINTAGE ARMOR?

- IS THAT CORRECT? - YEAH.

OLD KNIGHT ARMOR FROM MEDIEVAL TIMES,

MY GRANDPA COLLECTED IT AND WE FIXED IT UP.

- WHAT WAS IT CALLED? - IT WAS CALLED "CHINKS."

OH, LIKE, "THERE'S A CHINK IN YOUR ARMOR."

EXACTLY, MAN. AND AGAIN,

THE STORE BURNED DOWN IMMEDIATELY

AND THEY TOOK ONE OF THE SWORDS

- AND DECAPITATED MY KIDS IN FRONT OF ME. - OH, UGH.

AGAIN THOUGH, THAT'S THE RISK YOU RUN WHEN YOU OPEN A STORE.

THAT IS THE RISK YOU RUN WHEN YOU ARE IGNORANT.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND? - CHINKS.

YOU GET CHINKS INTO YOUR ARMOR.

WORDS MEAN THINGS. I WILL STAND BY THAT.

UH--

SO YOUR NEXT BUSINESS, YOU WENT A DIFFERENT DIRECTION, HUH?

YEAH, IT WAS A RECYCLING VENTURE.

UH-HUH?

IT WAS CALLED "CANS, SIR?"

CANS, SIR?

Jaspers: PEOPLE WOULD COME AND WEEP FOR SOME REASON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY WOULD CARE ABOUT A DEAD CAN.

- ( snorts ) - DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

YEAH, I DO HAVE KIDS.

- ARE THEY IN SCHOOL? - YES, THEY ARE.

WELL, THEY SHOULD SIGN UP FOR FULL BLOWN GRADES.

WE GUARANTEE POSITIVE RESULTS

FOR THESE KIDS TO LEARN MORE.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE HAD A ROCKY PAST AS AN ENTREPRENEUR.

YEAH NO. I HAVE AIDS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT WEEK ON "PEOPLE'S CORNER,"

WE'RE GONNA INTERVIEW A CANDLEMAKER

WHO MAKES SHOES. JOIN US.

WE HAVE A FAKE VAGINA SKETCH THIS SEASON.

- VERY EXCITING. - Man: YEAH!

I DON'T PERSONALLY OWN ONE

YET.

BUT NOW THAT I'VE SEEN 'EM,

IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, I GET IT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND COUPLES USE

LIKE DILDOS AND STUFF.

YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT "COUPLES USE ALL THESE THINGS,"

BUT YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT COUPLES USING A FAKE VAGINA.

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED?

YOU? NO? NOBODY?

YEAH, WHY WOULD YOU? IT'D BE WEIRD IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,

"OH YEAH, USE THIS FAKE VAGINA.

OH YEAH, THAT'S GREAT. HOW GREAT IS THAT?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH YEAH, THAT FEELS GREAT.

HEY, WHAT DON'T WE JUST USE YOUR -- VAGINA?

WHY ARE WE USING THIS WEIRD PLASTIC FLASHLIGHT

THAT'S ON MY --?"

THERE'S NO POINT.

I WONDER IF TWO GAY GUYS EVER USED A FAKE VAGINA TOGETHER.

THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, RIGHT?

THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

( chuckles )

( lisps ) "SCOTT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

THEY JUST BOTH BARF INTO IT.

( mimics retch ) "EW, GET IT AWAY."

SOMEDAY MAYBE I'LL BUY A FAKE VAGINA.

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I DO WANT ONE JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY

EVER ASKS ME IF I'VE EVER USED ONE. I DON'T WANT TO SAY NO.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M AN OLD MAN,

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT I'VE COVERED THAT ON MY BUCKET LIST.

JUST LIKE, "FAKE VAGINA? YEAH YEAH, DONE IT. NEXT QUESTION."

Announcer: TONIGHT ON...

BOB CAMPBELL RAN TWO SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSES--

BARGAIN BOB'S HARDWARE STORE

AND BARGAIN BOB'S ADULT BOOKSTORE.

STRAPPED FOR CASH, HE'S FORCED TO CONSOLIDATE

HIS TWO ENTERPRISES.

THIS IS BARGAIN BOB'S STORY.

HEY, WELCOME TO BARGAIN BOB'S HARDWARE STORE/ADULT BOOKSTORE.

- HOW CAN I HELP YOU? - I'M LOOKING FOR A STUDFINDER.

OKAY, THAT'S EITHER IN THE HARDWARE STORE NEXT TO THE SCREWDRIVERS

OR SWINGING DOORS NEXT TO "SCREW" MAGAZINE.

OKAY.

HEY, BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

BOB, I'M LOOKING FOR A LUBE TO RUB ON SOME NUTS.

I'M GONNA NEED MORE INFORMATION THAN THAT.

I'VE GOT THIS TIRE AND IT'S RUSTY AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE NUT OFF,

- BUT IT WON'T BUDGE. - GO DOWN TO AISLE 3, WD-40.

- THANKS. - WELCOME TO BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I NEED SOME EARPLUGS.

OKAY, THAT'S AISLE 3 IN THE HARDWARE STORE.

- FOR MY BUTT EAR. - SWINGING DOORS.

BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HEY, YOU GOT A DROPCLOTH TO KEEP LIQUIDS OFF MY CARPET?

THERE'S SOME RIGHT NEXT TO THE PAINT

OR THROUGH THE SWINGING DOORS.

- HEY, YOU'RE BACK. - YEAH, DO YOU SELL HOW-TO VIDEOS?

- YEAH, OF COURSE. HOW-TO WHAT? - BLOW A --.

- DID YOU JUST SAY BUILD A DECK? - NOPE.

- SWINGING DOORS. - THANKS.

HEY, IT'S THE GUY FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE. YOU GUYS GOING BACK ON TOUR?

BUILD SOME STAGES? OR BUILD SOME -- FOR A PARTY?

BUILD SOME BALLS FOR YOUR --? COOL.

- HEY, BOB. - YOU FIND EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH, I NEED A TAINT THINNER.

OOH, TAINT THINNER, UM...

- EITHER DOOR. - OKAY.

BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HI, YOU GUYS GOT LUMBER AND SOMEONE WHO CAN CUT IT FOR ME?

YEAH, OF COURSE. WHAT YOU BUILDING?

A BOX TO KEEP A YOUNG HITCHHIKER IN.

- HOW YOUNG ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? - 17.

- ( hisses ) - 18?

THAT'S BETTER. WE'VE GOT A PREPACKAGED SLAVE BOX.

IT'S GOT A FOOD HOLE. IT'S GOT A LITTLE TINKLE TUBE.

- SWINGING DOORS? ALL RIGHT. - THAT'LL WORK!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CALL IT, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND SHOWED ME HERS.

IT'S LONG, HARD AND BLACK.

IT'S GOT A KNOB ON IT. YOU PUMP IT WITH YOUR HAND

- AND WATER COMES OUT. - ONLY WATER?

- JUST WATER. - THAT'S A MANUAL WATER PUMP.

- AISLE 7 NEXT TO THE GARDEN HOSES. - THANKS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT KIND OF STORE,

BUT I WANT TO GRAFFITI SOME BABY COFFINS.

- AISLE 14. - THANK YOU.

- IN THE KIDS' SECTION. - HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN.

- WHAT'S UP, PLAYER? - I NEED AN ELECTRIC BLOWER.

- LEAVES OR PENISES? - BOTH.

EITHER DOOR, MAN.

BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

MY NAME IS FRANK FRANKEL. I'M CHAIRMAN OF THE PRESIDENT'S SMALL BUSINESS INITIATIVE.

- AND I LIKE YOUR GO-GETTER SPIRIT. - THANKS, MAN.

YOU GIVE ALL AMERICANS HOPE AND YOU DESERVE TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR THAT.

COOL, MAN. WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME A MEDAL OR SOMETHING?

- SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT GRANT? - NO, I'M HERE LOOKING FOR A DILDO

SHAPED LIKE A SILVER-BACKED APE'S DONG.

RIGHT. WE'RE SOLD OUT.

WE HAVE OTHER APES THOUGH. WE HAVE REGULAR CHIMPS, MONKEYS.

WE HAVE THE PENISES FROM THE BAND THE MONKEES.

- WE HAVE ALL THAT STUFF. - OOOH.

WE HAVE RISE OF THE APES, ONE THAT LITERALLY RISES, LIKE --.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, TIMMY.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

NOW HERE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS CELL PHONE

AND CALL 911 IF ANYONE TRIES TO LURE YOU INTO A VAN WITH CANDY

- OR TRIES TO TAKE YOU HOME, OKAY? - OKAY.

THERE'RE A LOT OF WEIRDOS OUT THERE AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST.

OKAY, SOMEBODY MAY LOOK NORMAL ON THE OUTSIDE,

BUT ON THE INSIDE, YEAH, THEY MIGHT BE EVIL.

OKAY, THANKS. I LOVE YOU, DAD.

- I LOVE YOU TOO, BUDDY. - GOODBYE.

( sighs ) THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

( kids singing )

HEY, YOU LIKE FREE BEER AND PARTY SNACKS?

UM, DO I KNOW YOU?

YOU KNOW, THE SUPER BOWL'S PLAYING ON A LARGE-SCREEN TV

IN THE BACK OF MY VAN. COME ON.

YOU LOOK LIKE A GOOD GUY.

HOP INSIDE. I GOT A LOT OF NICE THINGS.

HALF-TIME'S ALMOST OVER.

ALL RIGHT. WAIT! WAIT FOR ME!

COME ON.

- HERE WE GO. - YAY!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING!

( muffled groans ) HELP ME.

( screams, grunts )

( kids singing )

HOW'S-- HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

( keypad beeps )

- POLICE? - NO, TIMMY, IT'S ME DADDY!

Timmy: THERE'S THIS GUY FOLLOWING ME...

TIMMY, IT'S DADDY.

- ...AND HE HAS LIPSTICK ON. - IT'S OKAY, IT'S DADDY.

- ( siren blurts ) - EASY, WATCH YOUR STEP.

- I DIDN'T-- IT'S A MISUNDER-- - WATCH YOUR HEAD.

- LET HIM GO, GARY. - MR. STEVENSON,

- YOU KNOW THIS PERVERT? - HE'S MY SON.

TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY, PAL.

MY DAY WASN'T THAT LUCKY. ( groans )

I THOUGHT I TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THAT-- TO TALK TO STRANGERS.

I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, SON.

YOU KNOW THE SUPER BOWL'S NOT IN JUNE.

GRANDPA!

- HI, GRANDPA. IT'S OKAY, TIMMY. - HE'S YOUR DAD.

WHY IS YOUR BUTT BLEEDING?

LET ME HANDLE THIS, SON.

WELL, TIMMY, YOU SEE,

A LITTLE MOUSIE CRAWLED IN THERE

AND BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT.

WHICH IS WHY YOU NEVER GET INTO A STRANGER'S VAN.

THEY MAY LOOK LIKE A GOOD PERSON,

BUT THEY COULD BE A BAD PERSON IN DISGUISE.

RIGHT, TIMMY-- WHAT GRANDPA SAID ABOUT THE VAN

AND THE BUTT MICE. I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM,

BUT THEY'RE VERY DEPRESSED CREATURES.

SOMETIMES THEY JUST END IT RIGHT AWAY IN YOUR BUTT.

ANYWAY LET'S GO.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, SON.

THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

( tires screech )

HEY, NEED A RIDE?

SURE, THANKS.

- NICE VAN. - WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

( cheering )

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TUNING IN.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

AMERICA JUST RULES.

( theme music playing )

Man: TERRIFIC.

BARGAIN BOB, YOU GOT THICK TUBING?

- YEAH, BALLS OR NO BALLS? - BALLS.

- GAY OR STRAIGHT? - STRAIGHT.

- BLACK OR WHITE? - ASIAN?

- JAPANESE OR CHINESE? - CHINESE.

- NINJA SKILLS OR NO NINJA SKILLS. - NO NINJA SKILLS.

- YEAH, THEY SHOULD BE RIGHT THERE. - THANKS.

OR NEXT TO THE GARDEN HOSE.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0