All language subtitles for Nick Swardsons Pretend Time s02e04 Full Blown Eggs.eng

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

( applause and cheering )

WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

I, UH-- I WAS
A CAT PERSON MY WHOLE LIFE.

- NOW I HATE THEM.
- Man: YEAH!

SO THIS HAPPENED TO ME
WITH MY MOM'S CAT.

SHE GOT A BRAND-NEW CAT.

AND SHE'S LIKE,
"WARM UP TO HIM.

YOU JUST GOTTA
GET TO KNOW HIM."

SO I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT.
SO I GO TO MY MOM'S HOUSE

AND SHE GOES TO BED--
IT'S LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

SO I'M-- I'M GONNA SPEND
SOME TIME WITH THIS CAT.

I'LL SHOW YOU
A PICTURE OF HIM.

THIS IS HER CAT.
HIS NAME IS NICKEL.

- Woman: AWW.
- YEAH, DON'T -- SAY "AW."

OKAY?
JUST WAIT.

I KNOW HE LOOKS GREAT
RIGHT NOW.

HE LOOKS SO NICE.

SO IT'S 2:00
IN THE MORNING.

I'M LYING ON THE CARPET
OF MY MOM'S APARTMENT ON THE FLOOR.

AND THE CAT'S NEXT TO ME
LYING DOWN PARALLEL.

I'M HAVING
A NICE MOMENT.

I'M PETTING THIS THING.
AND OUT OF NOWHERE

THE CAT JUST GOES BAT--.

AND HE DOES
THAT WEIRD CAT THING

WHERE HE DOES
THAT GROWL--

WHERE IT'S LIKE...
( throaty growl )

AND I'M LIKE,
"WHAT THE --?"

THEN HE DOES THE CLASSIC--
( hisses )

THAT HISS AND THAT'S LIKE,
"SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN."

SO HE ATTACKS ME...
( mimics cat screech )

...FULL-ON.
I'M IN BOXERSHORTS AND LIKE A T-SHIRT

AND HE JUST GOES AFTER ME
AND STARTS CLAWING MY LEGS.

JUST...
( screeches )

I'M FREAKING OUT.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M TRYING TO GET
THIS CAT OFF ME.

I RUN INTO THE BATHROOM.

I'M A GROWN MAN,
I'M HOLDING THE DOOR.

"OH MY GOD.
WHAT DO I DO?"

THE CAT-- THIS IS
HOW PSYCHO THEY ARE

AND THEY'RE SMART--
IT'S A ONE-FLOOR APARTMENT AT MY MOM'S PLACE.

HE GOES AROUND
THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LIVING ROOM,

THEN THROUGH MY BEDROOM
TO THE OTHER DOOR

OF THE BATHROOM
BEHIND ME.

I SWEAR TO GOD,
I'M SITTING THERE AND I JUST HEAR...

( throaty growl )

I WAS LIKE,
"NO-O-O-O."

THE CAT'S LIKE...
( screeches )

ROUND 2
OF CAT VERSUS LEG.

MAULED!

AWFUL. I LOCK HIM
IN THE BATHROOM,

SHUT HIM IN,
GO TO SLEEP.

LIKE, "OH MY GOD,
THAT WAS CRAZY."

SO I GO AND I WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING

AND I WALK OUT
INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MY MOM'S IN THE KITCHEN
MAKING BREAKFAST.

AND THE CAT'S
ON THE COUCH,

SITTING THERE SO COCKY
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

HE'S LIKE,
"HEY MAN, GOOD MORNING."

I WAS, LIKE, SO READY
TO JUST NARC THE CAT OUT.

I WAS SO PSYCHED.
I MEAN I HAVE ALL THESE SCARS.

AND I GO, "MOM!"

SHE'S LIKE,
"WHAT? OH MY GOD.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR LEGS?"

AND I GO,
"WHAT HAPPENED? YOUR -- CAT.

THAT CAT ATTACKED ME,
MAULED ME LAST NIGHT."

I SWEAR TO GOD, MY MOTHER--
MY OWN MOTHER,

KNOWN HER MY WHOLE LIFE--

SHE GOES LIKE THIS,
SHE GOES,

"NO, YOU DID THAT,"

GOES BACK
TO MAKING BREAKFAST.

I DID THAT?!
WHAT THE --?!

LIKE, WHAT?
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

I JUST TOOK A FORK,
LIKE "I'M GONNA FRAME THIS -- CAT."

( screams )

JUST -- RAKED
MY OWN LEGS?

-- CAT.

Announcer:
PARTY PANTS-- THE 1 ACCESSORY

FOR A NIGHT OUT.
NO BOOZE CAN STAIN IT,

- NONE!
- * The pants that party...

NICE TRY, BEER!

NOT EVEN CLOSE, WINE.
SUCK IT.

AND PARTY PANTS GETS YOU
OUT OF LADY TROUBLE

WITH OVER 5,000 EXCUSES
ALONG THE BELT LINE.

UM, WHERE THE HELL
WERE YOU ALL NIGHT?

( slurring )
I SAW A GHOST. HE HAD A GUN

AND THEN HE TRIED
TO RAPE ME.

POOR BABY.

* Thank you,
Party Pants... *

Announcer:
PARTY PANTS CAN ALSO START THE PARTY--

MADE FROM A HEMP/HASH MATERIAL
ALL THE WAY FROM AMSTERDAM.

* Gets you high...

IT HAS A SMOOTH
CLEAN TASTE.

PARTY PANTS CAN ALSO GIVE YOU
THAT ADDED CONFIDENCE

EVERY GUY NEEDS WHEN
HE'S CRUISING FOR THE BEEF.

( clicks,
mechanical whirr )

* There's a party
in my Party Pants... *

BUT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING:

PARTY PANTS
KNOWS KARATE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE CONSCIOUS
FOR PARTY PANTS TO KICK SOME "ICE."

AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,
PARTY PANTS CAN DRIVE YOU HOME.

( honks )

NICE TRY, D.U.I.,
SUCK MY --!

THIS SUMMER, WEAR THE RIGHT
PANTS-- PARTY PANTS.

CAN WE SMOKE
SOME MORE PANTS?

NO, DUDE, WE CAN'T,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN SEE MY BALLS.

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

ANOTHER O.D.
LOOKS LIKE COCAINE.

SHE'S GOT COCAINE
ALL OVER HER BREASTS.

WHO WOULD DO
SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

WHO DID SHE COME WITH?
DID ANYBODY DROP HER OFF?

HE'S IN THE WAITING ROOM.
HE TRIED TO LEAVE. WE STOPPED HIM.

ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

THIS IS THE FOURTH GIRL
THIS WEEK. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS?

Computer voice:
I think these hos can't handle their snow.

You ski with me,
you brace for a blizzard.

- YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
- You know what else is disgusting?

- WHAT?
- Your mouth, which doubles as a -- garage

- for every black guy
in this hospital. - DAMN IT!

Do you have
doctor-approved roofies?

NO. THERE IS
NO SUCH THING.

Do you have catnip
laced with angel dust?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH.

( announcer speaks )

* I WANNA DO WHATEVER
I WANNA DO *

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD

* TO BE BAD

* I CAN'T REFUSE
A LITTLE BREAKIN' THE RULES *

* 'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANT

* WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE

* DANCE ALL NIGHT
ON THE WILD SIDE *

* IT FEELS GOOD TO BE
BAD BAD BAD BAD. *

YOU'RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.
THIS GIRL ALMOST DIED.

I almost died
of embarrassment,

but nobody
seems to care.

Stay high or die.

WOW, THAT'S A REALLY
NICE ATTITUDE.

WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING
WE CAN TO KEEP THIS OUT OF THE PRESS,

BUT THE POLICE HAVE BEEN
ASKING ABOUT YOU.

Oh no, po-po.

YOU THE GUY THAT DROPPED
OFF THE GIRL?

CUT THE CRAP, CAT.
I KNOW YOU CAN TALK.

I am a cat.

OH.
KITTY CAT SAY MEOW?

IS THAT WHAT
KITTY CAT SAY?

Yes. Meow.
Purr.

I also say purr
when I am happy.

HOW DOES KITTY CAT
LIKE THE SOUND OF JAIL

AND HAVING "PURR-VERTS"
INVADE HIS FELINE BEHIND?

HUH? THAT SOUNDS
MORE LIKE "ME-OUCH."

You got nothing, pig.
Stick to what you do know--

diving on --
while taking --.

I'M GONNA GET YOU, CAT.
I'M GONNA GET YOU.

EXCUSE ME.
WE SEEM TO BE MISSING

SEVERAL SYRINGES
AND SOME DRUGS.

WOULD YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

No, but I have two furry
Skittles down here

that could use
a tongue bath.

REALLY?
WELL, WHAT'S THIS THEN?

HUH? LOOKS LIKE
OUR MISSING DRUGS.

Um, that's my litter box.

Kitty say meow
while make smelly.

I'M GONNA GO GRAB
THAT COP.

Don't do that, --.

We've got to bounce.
Quick, grab that doctor's jacket.

I have an idea.

DOCTOR, DOCTOR,

WE NEED YOU
IN SURGERY, STAT!

I've got to make
a house call.

I'm going
to your mom's place

to turn her
into a semen garage.

HELLO, MY NAME IS
ED DICKSON.

AND MY LATE GREAT-GRANDMA
AND PA STARTED A PLACE

CALLED DICKSON'S FAMILY
BARBECUE RESTAURANT.

PEOPLE LOVED IT.
AND IT FRANCHISED ALL OVER OUR GREAT NATION.

BUT, LIKE THE REST
OF THE COUNTRY,

WE WERE HIT
BY HARD ECONOMIC TIMES.

SO SINCE I INHERITED
THE PLACE,

I DECIDED
TO CHANGE THE NAME

TO BIG TITS EAT FREE!

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

AT THE RISK
OF OVERSTATING THE OBVIOUS,

AT BIG TITS EAT FREE,
LADIES WITH BIG TITS EAT FREE.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
YOU HAVE BIG TITS,

YOU DON'T PAY FOR FOOD.

OR YOU PAY FOR FOOD

AND THEN YOU USE
YOUR EYEBALLS TO STARE AT TITS.

- OKAY, LET'S GO.
YOU EAT FREE. - ( beeping )

YES!
YOU EAT FREE!

YOU EAT FREE.
YOU EAT FREE--

WHOA WHOA WHOA.
SORRY SIR, YOU GOT TO PAY.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOU? FREE APPETIZER
OKAY? THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'VE GOT A GUN
IN YOUR VAGINA.

IT SAYS THAT
ON THE MONITOR.

LET'S GET SECURITY OVER HERE,
BUT YOU CAN EAT FREE.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

ADULTS EATING FOR FREE
GET A FREE KIDS' SIZE T-SHIRT.

WEAR THAT T-SHIRT
ON YOUR RETURN VISIT, GET IT WET,

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY
EATS FOR FREE.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE

* BONUS!

I DON'T THINK OUR MOTHER
WOULD'VE APPRECIATED THIS.

THIS IS MY BROTHER MIKE.
HE'S STUPID.

AND OUR MOTHER
WOULD'VE LOVED IT.

* BIG TITS EAT FREE...

AND BIG TITS EAT FREE
IS FAMILY-FRIENDLY

AS TITTY McGEE ALWAYS
SERVES UP FRESH MILK AND ICE CREAM FOR THE KIDS.

THIS IS MY WIFE.
SHE EATS FREE EVERY DAY.

AND THIS IS OUR
LITTLE BABY ARLENE.

SOMEDAY SHE'LL EAT FREE,
WON'T YOU, ARLENE?

- IF YOU DON'T,
WE'LL GIVE YOU AWAY. - ( Arlene cries )

SO COME ON DOWN.
IF YOU'VE GOT BIG TITS,

WE'VE GOT GREAT FOOD
AND NO PRICES!

- ( alarm beeps )
- WHOA!

HONEY, THAT'S ADORABLE,
BUT YOU DON'T EAT FREE.

THAT'S ADORABLE THOUGH.
THERE YOU GO.

AND REMEMBER, IF
YOU'VE GOT FAKE TITS,

YOU EAT FREE FOREVER,

HERE AND AT MY OWN HOME.

* BIG TIT, BIG TIT

* BIG TITS.

HEY, BISCUIT.
YOU HUNGRY?

SPOILER ALERT: I'M GONNA
PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER ON MY BALLS!

- ( Biscuit whimpers )
- I'M GONNA PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER IN MY --.

On today's
"People's Corner,"

WE INTERVIEW INTERESTING
ENTREPRENEUR FRANK JASPERS.

HE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET
A BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND.

DOESN'T SOUND
TOO CRAZY, RIGHT?

WELL, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU

HE'S HAD 15 FAILURES
IN FIVE YEARS

AND SPENT HUNDREDS
OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

OF HIS OWN MONEY?

- WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST VENTURE?
- IT WAS A MAID SERVICE.

- OH, SOUNDS GOOD.
- YEAH, IT WAS CALLED "FULL BLOWN MAIDS."

BUT PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET IT?

Jaspers:
UH NO, THEY DID NOT SIGN UP

FOR ANY MAID SERVICE FROM US.
WE WERE REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

WE HAD SOME REALLY GREAT
LADIES THERE AND, UH--

- HOW'D YOU COME
ABOUT THE NAME? - IT WAS A NO-BRAINER OF A NAME.

UH, BUT NOT
IN THE RIGHT WAY.

SO YOUR NEXT BUSINESS
WAS YOU STARTED A DINER,

- ACTUALLY RIGHT?
- YEAH, "FULL BLOWN EGGS."

AGAIN, NO CUSTOMERS.

PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY
BUMMED OUT,

WHICH WE THOUGHT
WAS WEIRD.

OKAY, UM...

WHY WOULD YOU STICK
WITH THAT "FULL BLOWN" THING?

WHY WOULD YOU
DO THAT AGAIN?

AGAIN, IT WAS A NO-BRAINER.
YOU COME IN,

THE EGGS ARE FULL,
YOU CRACK 'EM,

YOU JUST BLOW 'EM
ALL OVER THE GRILL...

- IT'S NOT A TERM--
- ...COOK 'EM UP AND * EAT 'EM UP!

THAT TERM IS NOT USED
OR ASSOCIATED WITH EGGS EVER,

- LIKE YOU HAVE SCRAMBLED,
OVER-EASY-- - FULL BLOWN.

THE NEXT VENTURE YOU HAD,
YOU GOT AWAY FROM THE "FULL BLOWN" THING,

THANKFULLY.
AND I GUESS YOU OPENED UP A WINE STORE.

THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US A BIT ABOUT THAT?

- ( mimics slurring )
IT WAS PRETTY GOOD. - ( laughs )

EVERYONE FOCUSES ON RED WINE,
BUT I WANTED TO FOCUS ON WHITE WINE.

- I LIKE WHITE.
- I OPENED UP A STORE CALLED "WHITE POWER."

Greer:
THAT WAS THE NAME OF IT?

YES. JUST POWER
TO THE WHITE WINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT STORE CLOSED IMMEDIATELY.

IT DIDN'T CLOSE.
IT WAS BURNED DOWN.

MY WIFE WAS IN THE STORE
AT THE TIME,

- WHICH-- WE TOOK
A HIT ON THAT. - I'M SORRY.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S THE RISK YOU RUN WHEN YOU OPEN A BUSINESS.

WELL, NOT EVERY BUSINESS
RUNS THAT RISK.

OKAY AND I THINK
YOUR NEXT BUSINESS, YOU FIXED VINTAGE ARMOR?

- IS THAT CORRECT?
- YEAH.

OLD KNIGHT ARMOR
FROM MEDIEVAL TIMES,

MY GRANDPA COLLECTED IT
AND WE FIXED IT UP.

- WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
- IT WAS CALLED "CHINKS."

OH, LIKE, "THERE'S A CHINK
IN YOUR ARMOR."

EXACTLY, MAN.
AND AGAIN,

THE STORE BURNED DOWN
IMMEDIATELY

AND THEY TOOK
ONE OF THE SWORDS

- AND DECAPITATED MY KIDS
IN FRONT OF ME. - OH, UGH.

AGAIN THOUGH,
THAT'S THE RISK YOU RUN WHEN YOU OPEN A STORE.

THAT IS THE RISK
YOU RUN WHEN YOU ARE IGNORANT.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- CHINKS.

YOU GET CHINKS
INTO YOUR ARMOR.

WORDS MEAN THINGS.
I WILL STAND BY THAT.

UH--

SO YOUR NEXT BUSINESS,
YOU WENT A DIFFERENT DIRECTION, HUH?

YEAH, IT WAS
A RECYCLING VENTURE.

UH-HUH?

IT WAS CALLED "CANS, SIR?"

CANS, SIR?

Jaspers:
PEOPLE WOULD COME AND WEEP FOR SOME REASON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
ANYBODY WOULD CARE ABOUT A DEAD CAN.

- ( snorts )
- DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

YEAH, I DO HAVE KIDS.

- ARE THEY IN SCHOOL?
- YES, THEY ARE.

WELL, THEY SHOULD SIGN UP
FOR FULL BLOWN GRADES.

WE GUARANTEE
POSITIVE RESULTS

FOR THESE KIDS
TO LEARN MORE.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
HAVE HAD A ROCKY PAST AS AN ENTREPRENEUR.

YEAH NO.
I HAVE AIDS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT WEEK
ON "PEOPLE'S CORNER,"

WE'RE GONNA INTERVIEW
A CANDLEMAKER

WHO MAKES SHOES.
JOIN US.

WE HAVE A FAKE VAGINA SKETCH
THIS SEASON.

- VERY EXCITING.
- Man: YEAH!

I DON'T PERSONALLY
OWN ONE

YET.

BUT NOW
THAT I'VE SEEN 'EM,

IT'S LIKE,
"OKAY, I GET IT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND COUPLES USE

LIKE DILDOS AND STUFF.

YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT
"COUPLES USE ALL THESE THINGS,"

BUT YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT
COUPLES USING A FAKE VAGINA.

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED?

YOU? NO? NOBODY?

YEAH, WHY WOULD YOU?
IT'D BE WEIRD IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,

"OH YEAH, USE THIS
FAKE VAGINA.

OH YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
HOW GREAT IS THAT?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH YEAH,
THAT FEELS GREAT.

HEY, WHAT DON'T WE
JUST USE YOUR -- VAGINA?

WHY ARE WE USING THIS
WEIRD PLASTIC FLASHLIGHT

THAT'S ON MY --?"

THERE'S NO POINT.

I WONDER IF TWO GAY GUYS
EVER USED A FAKE VAGINA TOGETHER.

THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, RIGHT?

THAT WOULDN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE.

( chuckles )

( lisps )
"SCOTT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

THEY JUST BOTH BARF
INTO IT.

( mimics retch )
"EW, GET IT AWAY."

SOMEDAY MAYBE
I'LL BUY A FAKE VAGINA.

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I DO WANT ONE
JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY

EVER ASKS ME
IF I'VE EVER USED ONE. I DON'T WANT TO SAY NO.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I'M AN OLD MAN,

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
THAT I'VE COVERED THAT ON MY BUCKET LIST.

JUST LIKE, "FAKE VAGINA?
YEAH YEAH, DONE IT. NEXT QUESTION."

Announcer:
TONIGHT ON...

BOB CAMPBELL RAN
TWO SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSES--

BARGAIN BOB'S
HARDWARE STORE

AND BARGAIN BOB'S
ADULT BOOKSTORE.

STRAPPED FOR CASH,
HE'S FORCED TO CONSOLIDATE

HIS TWO ENTERPRISES.

THIS IS
BARGAIN BOB'S STORY.

HEY, WELCOME TO BARGAIN BOB'S
HARDWARE STORE/ADULT BOOKSTORE.

- HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
- I'M LOOKING FOR A STUDFINDER.

OKAY, THAT'S EITHER
IN THE HARDWARE STORE NEXT TO THE SCREWDRIVERS

OR SWINGING DOORS
NEXT TO "SCREW" MAGAZINE.

OKAY.

HEY, BARGAIN BOB'S.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

BOB, I'M LOOKING FOR A LUBE
TO RUB ON SOME NUTS.

I'M GONNA NEED MORE
INFORMATION THAN THAT.

I'VE GOT THIS TIRE
AND IT'S RUSTY AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE NUT OFF,

- BUT IT WON'T BUDGE.
- GO DOWN TO AISLE 3, WD-40.

- THANKS.
- WELCOME TO BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I NEED SOME EARPLUGS.

OKAY, THAT'S AISLE 3
IN THE HARDWARE STORE.

- FOR MY BUTT EAR.
- SWINGING DOORS.

BARGAIN BOB'S.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HEY, YOU GOT A DROPCLOTH
TO KEEP LIQUIDS OFF MY CARPET?

THERE'S SOME RIGHT NEXT
TO THE PAINT

OR THROUGH
THE SWINGING DOORS.

- HEY, YOU'RE BACK.
- YEAH, DO YOU SELL HOW-TO VIDEOS?

- YEAH, OF COURSE.
HOW-TO WHAT? - BLOW A --.

- DID YOU JUST SAY
BUILD A DECK? - NOPE.

- SWINGING DOORS.
- THANKS.

HEY, IT'S THE GUY
FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE. YOU GUYS GOING BACK ON TOUR?

BUILD SOME STAGES?
OR BUILD SOME -- FOR A PARTY?

BUILD SOME BALLS
FOR YOUR --? COOL.

- HEY, BOB.
- YOU FIND EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH, I NEED
A TAINT THINNER.

OOH, TAINT THINNER, UM...

- EITHER DOOR.
- OKAY.

BARGAIN BOB'S.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HI, YOU GUYS GOT LUMBER
AND SOMEONE WHO CAN CUT IT FOR ME?

YEAH, OF COURSE.
WHAT YOU BUILDING?

A BOX TO KEEP
A YOUNG HITCHHIKER IN.

- HOW YOUNG ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT? - 17.

- ( hisses )
- 18?

THAT'S BETTER.
WE'VE GOT A PREPACKAGED SLAVE BOX.

IT'S GOT A FOOD HOLE.
IT'S GOT A LITTLE TINKLE TUBE.

- SWINGING DOORS?
ALL RIGHT. - THAT'LL WORK!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU CALL IT, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND SHOWED ME HERS.

IT'S LONG, HARD AND BLACK.

IT'S GOT A KNOB ON IT.
YOU PUMP IT WITH YOUR HAND

- AND WATER COMES OUT.
- ONLY WATER?

- JUST WATER.
- THAT'S A MANUAL WATER PUMP.

- AISLE 7 NEXT TO
THE GARDEN HOSES. - THANKS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS
THE RIGHT KIND OF STORE,

BUT I WANT TO GRAFFITI
SOME BABY COFFINS.

- AISLE 14.
- THANK YOU.

- IN THE KIDS' SECTION.
- HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN.

- WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?
- I NEED AN ELECTRIC BLOWER.

- LEAVES OR PENISES?
- BOTH.

EITHER DOOR, MAN.

BARGAIN BOB'S.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

MY NAME IS FRANK FRANKEL.
I'M CHAIRMAN OF THE PRESIDENT'S SMALL BUSINESS INITIATIVE.

- AND I LIKE YOUR
GO-GETTER SPIRIT. - THANKS, MAN.

YOU GIVE ALL AMERICANS HOPE
AND YOU DESERVE TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR THAT.

COOL, MAN.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME A MEDAL OR SOMETHING?

- SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT GRANT?
- NO, I'M HERE LOOKING FOR A DILDO

SHAPED LIKE
A SILVER-BACKED APE'S DONG.

RIGHT.
WE'RE SOLD OUT.

WE HAVE OTHER APES THOUGH.
WE HAVE REGULAR CHIMPS, MONKEYS.

WE HAVE THE PENISES
FROM THE BAND THE MONKEES.

- WE HAVE ALL THAT STUFF.
- OOOH.

WE HAVE RISE OF THE APES,
ONE THAT LITERALLY RISES, LIKE --.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FIRST DAY
OF SCHOOL, TIMMY.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

NOW HERE, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE THIS CELL PHONE

AND CALL 911 IF ANYONE
TRIES TO LURE YOU INTO A VAN WITH CANDY

- OR TRIES TO TAKE
YOU HOME, OKAY? - OKAY.

THERE'RE A LOT OF WEIRDOS
OUT THERE AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST.

OKAY, SOMEBODY MAY LOOK
NORMAL ON THE OUTSIDE,

BUT ON THE INSIDE, YEAH,
THEY MIGHT BE EVIL.

OKAY, THANKS.
I LOVE YOU, DAD.

- I LOVE YOU TOO, BUDDY.
- GOODBYE.

( sighs )
THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

( kids singing )

HEY, YOU LIKE FREE BEER
AND PARTY SNACKS?

UM, DO I KNOW YOU?

YOU KNOW, THE SUPER BOWL'S
PLAYING ON A LARGE-SCREEN TV

IN THE BACK OF MY VAN.
COME ON.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A GOOD GUY.

HOP INSIDE.
I GOT A LOT OF NICE THINGS.

HALF-TIME'S ALMOST OVER.

ALL RIGHT.
WAIT! WAIT FOR ME!

COME ON.

- HERE WE GO.
- YAY!

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ANYTHING!

( muffled groans )
HELP ME.

( screams, grunts )

( kids singing )

HOW'S-- HOW WAS
SCHOOL TODAY?

( keypad beeps )

- POLICE?
- NO, TIMMY, IT'S ME DADDY!

Timmy:
THERE'S THIS GUY FOLLOWING ME...

TIMMY, IT'S DADDY.

- ...AND HE HAS LIPSTICK ON.
- IT'S OKAY, IT'S DADDY.

- ( siren blurts )
- EASY, WATCH YOUR STEP.

- I DIDN'T--
IT'S A MISUNDER-- - WATCH YOUR HEAD.

- LET HIM GO, GARY.
- MR. STEVENSON,

- YOU KNOW THIS PERVERT?
- HE'S MY SON.

TODAY'S
YOUR LUCKY DAY, PAL.

MY DAY WASN'T
THAT LUCKY. ( groans )

I THOUGHT I TAUGHT
YOU BETTER THAN THAT-- TO TALK TO STRANGERS.

I'M SO DISAPPOINTED
IN YOU, SON.

YOU KNOW THE SUPER BOWL'S
NOT IN JUNE.

GRANDPA!

- HI, GRANDPA.
IT'S OKAY, TIMMY. - HE'S YOUR DAD.

WHY IS YOUR
BUTT BLEEDING?

LET ME HANDLE THIS, SON.

WELL, TIMMY,
YOU SEE,

A LITTLE MOUSIE
CRAWLED IN THERE

AND BLEW
HIS BRAINS OUT.

WHICH IS WHY YOU NEVER
GET INTO A STRANGER'S VAN.

THEY MAY LOOK LIKE
A GOOD PERSON,

BUT THEY COULD BE
A BAD PERSON IN DISGUISE.

RIGHT, TIMMY--
WHAT GRANDPA SAID ABOUT THE VAN

AND THE BUTT MICE.
I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM,

BUT THEY'RE VERY
DEPRESSED CREATURES.

SOMETIMES THEY JUST END IT
RIGHT AWAY IN YOUR BUTT.

ANYWAY LET'S GO.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, SON.

THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

( tires screech )

HEY, NEED A RIDE?

SURE, THANKS.

- NICE VAN.
- WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

( cheering )

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR TUNING IN.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

AMERICA JUST RULES.

( theme music playing )

Man:
TERRIFIC.

BARGAIN BOB,
YOU GOT THICK TUBING?

- YEAH, BALLS OR NO BALLS?
- BALLS.

- GAY OR STRAIGHT?
- STRAIGHT.

- BLACK OR WHITE?
- ASIAN?

- JAPANESE OR CHINESE?
- CHINESE.

- NINJA SKILLS
OR NO NINJA SKILLS. - NO NINJA SKILLS.

- YEAH, THEY SHOULD BE
RIGHT THERE. - THANKS.

OR NEXT TO THE GARDEN HOSE.

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