All language subtitles for Nick Swardsons Pretend Time s02e03 PETA Not on Set.eng

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

( applause and cheering )

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

I-- IT'S WEIRD.

LIKE, THE OLDER WE GET,
WE KIND OF TURN INTO OUR PARENTS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
I'M TOTALLY STARTING TO ACT LIKE MY MOM,

'CAUSE THE OTHER DAY
I BLEW MY DAD.

I LIKE SPORTS--
I WAS WATCHING FIGURE SKATING.

CAN'T TURN AWAY FROM IT.

I WAS WATCHING
COUPLES' SKATING

WITH THE GUY AND THE GIRL,
WHICH IS A LOT OF TRUST.

WOULD YOU LET A GUY
JUST THROW YOU IN THE AIR LIKE THAT

LIKE THEY DO
IN THE OLYMPICS?

YOU WOULD?

YOU'D JUST LET A GUY
JUST LIKE--

THEY JUST CHUCK
THESE CHICKS.

IT'S LIKE INSANE.
THAT'S SO MUCH TRUST.

BUT IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL

BECAUSE THEY DO TAKE
THESE GIRLS AND THEY--

THE GIRLS JUST DO
THAT LITTLE THING--

THEY TWIST
AND THE SKIRT GOES UP.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AWESOME.

EVERY TIME I WATCH IT,
I THINK IT'S AMAZING

AND I ALSO THINK THIS WOULD BE
THE BEST COMMERCIAL

FOR WHERE WILL YOU BE
WHEN YOUR DIARRHEA COMES BACK?

FOR THAT CHICK,
RIGHT WHEN SHE GETS TOSSED,

SHE'S LIKE, "HERE WE GO."
RRH. "OH --."

( blowing raspberry )

JUST A BROWN SPRINKLER FLYING
THROUGH THE OLYMPIC ARENA.

NO BUENO.

BUT I THINK IF SHE STICKS
THE LANDING, IT'S FINE.

LET'S FORGET THAT SHE JUST--
( laughs )

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS--
STICK THE LANDING.

- SO YOU GUYS GOT--
YOU GUYS HAVE iPHONE? - Crowd: YEAH!

- ANY OF YOU HAVE DROID?
- Crowd: WHOO!

- WOW, DROID PEOPLE
ARE AGGRESSIVE. - Man: YEAH!

IT'S BECAUSE
OF THOSE COMMERCIALS WHERE IT'S LIKE...

( robotic voice )
DROID.

WHAT IS THAT?

( robotic voice )
DROID.

I DON'T WANT THAT PHONE
IN MY HOUSE--

A LITTLE DECEPTICON PHONE

THAT'S GONNA CRAWL
INTO YOUR ASS

AND VIBRATE YOU TO DEATH.

( robotic voice )
DROID.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY
THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

IT WAS DURING
FOOTBALL SEASON.

I'M AT MY HOUSE
AND MY BUDDY'S LIKE, "LET'S GET SOME PIZZA."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."
HE GOES, "CALL MY BUDDY JEREMY AND ORDER SOME PIZZA.

HE'S GOT A PLACE
RIGHT DOWN THE STREET. JUST TELL HIM THE ADDRESS."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."
I CALL THIS DUDE FROM MY iPHONE.

I DON'T KNOW HIM.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?
THIS IS NICK.

I'M A FRIEND OF STEVE'S.
CAN WE GET FIVE PEPPERONI?"

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, COOL.
I'LL RUN THEM OVER." I'M LIKE, "THANKS."

I HANG UP THE PHONE.
THEN HE TEXTS ME BACK.

I DON'T KNOW HIM.
KEEP THIS IN MIND.

HE TEXTS ME BACK.
HE GOES, "YO, CAN I BRING SOME BUDDIES WITH ME?"

SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
HE'S BRINGING US PIZZA."

SO I JUST GO, "K-K"--
JUST TWO Ks.

MY FINGER KIND OF SLIPPED.
IT WAS LIKE "K-K"-- WHATEVER. AND I SENT IT.

AND RIGHT BEFORE
I SENT IT,

THE iPHONE CHANGED IT
TO THREE Ms.

SO HE'S LIKE, "CAN I BRING
A COUPLE OF BUDDIES OVER?"

AND IT SAYS, "MMM."

MMM, BUDDIES.
"DELISH."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
iPHONE?

I looked like a psycho.

OH, I DID IT.

I GOT ANOTHER ROW
IN THE SUDOKU PUZZLE.

AND THIS ONE'S IN EXPERT.
VANILLA, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

( whines )

- I LOVE YOU, 3.
- ( barks )

I'M COMING ON ANOTHER ROW.

- ( whines )
- WHAT'S THAT, BUDDY?

NO, I'M GOOD.
WE'LL GO FOR A WALK LATER.

WE'VE GOTTA WATCH SUDOKU
CHAMPIONSHIPS ON E.S.P.N.

- ( whines )
- OH, I THINK THEY'RE ON RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, IT'S HERE,
VANILLA.

VANILLA, DON'T YOU
WANNA WATCH THEM? HEH.

VANILLA?

SUDOKU CHAMPIONSHIPS,

YOUR FAVORITE.

VANILLA?
ALL RIGHT.

VANILLA,
YOU IN HERE, BUDDY?

- ( choking )
- OH MY GOD, NO!

VANILLA! VANILLA!

GET THAT OFF.

OH, MY VANILLA.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD
SUICIDAL IDEATION?

- ( whimpers )
- NOW, VANILLA, WERE YOU TEAT-FED?

- ( whimpers )
- OKAY, BOTTLE-FED. VERY INTERESTING.

OKAY, YOU CAN COME ON
IN NOW IF YOU LIKE.

THERE IS NO EASY WAY
TO SAY THIS,

BUT YOUR DOG TRIED
TO COMMIT SUICIDE

BECAUSE HE'S BORED
WITH YOU.

I AM VERY FUN.

WELL, RIGHT NOW I'M NOT
HAVING ANY FUN WITH YOU.

WELL, YOU WOULD BE
IF YOU WERE AT MY HOUSE,

WHICH I CALL THE FUN ZONE.

- WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?
- I EDIT TECHNICAL MANUSCRIPTS FOR COMPUTERS

AND IT IS A ROLLER COASTER
EVERY DAY.

I EXAMINED
HIS SUICIDE NOTE

AND IT IS ALL
RIGHT THERE.

- I FEEL AWFUL.
- OKAY, NOW THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS ABOUT VANILLA.

PLEASE MONITOR HIM CLOSELY.

HE IS ON DEATH WATCH.

* IF YOU WANT,
SAY THE WORD *

* AND I'LL WALK AWAY...

- ( electricity crackles )
- ( yelps )

- * BUT I FEAR
TO HAVE YOU NEAR... * - OH, VANILLA!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

- ( engine starts )
- * AND IF THE WORDS DON'T COME EASY... *

- ( coughing )
- * YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY

* WE DON'T HAVE
TO MAKE SO MUCH *

* OF GOODBYE

- ( bicycle bell rings )
- * HOO

- * OOH OOH OOH.
- ( metal dragging )

- ( tires screech )
- ( barks, whining )

( man crying )
VANILLA, VANILLA!

VANILLA, I LOVE YOU.

BUT IF THIS
IS WHAT YOU WANT,

THEN WHO AM I TO STAND
IN YOUR WAY?

I AM SORRY
THAT I FAILED YOU.

( whimpers )

( barking )

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!
NO NO.

- NO.
- ( barks )

ALL-- ALL RIGHT, BOY.

HE SEEMS TO BE SAYING
THAT NOW THAT HE KNOWS

YOU'RE CAPABLE OF KILLING
SOMEONE WITH A PILLOW,

HE NO LONGER THINKS
YOU'RE BORING.

- ( barks )
- IS THAT TRUE?

( barks )

- ( growling )
- HUH?

- ( muffled shouting )
- * MMM...

Announcer:
EVER TRIED TO MASTURBATE IN PUBLIC,

BUT COULDN'T
GET AWAY WITH IT?

- CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
- ( grunts )

- ( coins jingling rapidly )
- DO YOU NEED A MINUTE?

- MM-MM.
- ( sirens blaring )

Announcer:
NOW THERE'S THE ALL-NEW HANDY MAN 3000.

THE HANDY MAN 3000 LETS YOU
MASTURBATE IN PUBLIC

WITHOUT ANYONE
NOTICING YOU.

- HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
- CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

( coins jingling rapidly )

( moaning )

- ( shouting )
- DO YOU NEED A MINUTE?

OH! OH HO HO.

( clears throat )
UH NO, I'M GOOD.

ACTUALLY I'M NOT
EVEN THAT HUNGRY.

THANKS.
THAT WAS GOOD.

Announcer:
YOU CAN TAKE THE HANDY MAN 3000 ANYWHERE.

- IT MAKES EVERYDAY TASKS
THAT MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE. - ( coins jingling rapidly )

ORDER TODAY AND GET
THESE INTERCHANGEABLE HANDS FOR FREE:

- THE GIVING HAND...
- ( coins jingling rapidly )

- ...HANDSHAKE HAND...
- ( coins jingling rapidly )

...OR JUST USE
THE STANDARD HAND.

( coins jingling rapidly )

ORDER THE HANDY MAN 3000 TODAY
AND JOIN THE MANY OTHER MEN

WHO HAVE ALREADY STARTED
ENJOYING THEIR LIFE MORE.

( coins jingling rapidly )

( doorbell rings )

- HEY, NICK.
- HEY, ELLEN.

MY FOLKS ARE IN A GOOD MOOD.
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

OKAY, LET'S DO IT.

- EDITOR OF THE PAPER, HUH?
- YES, SIR.

I'VE BEEN EDITOR
OF "THE WASHINGTON HIGH SCHOOL HERALD"

SINCE MY FRESHMAN YEAR.
I'M THE FIRST PERSON EVER

TO HOLD THE POSITION
THAT LONG.

THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU
MUCH TIME FOR SPORTS THOUGH, DOES IT?

ACTUALLY, MRS. BOWER,
I'M CAPTAIN OF THE TENNIS TEAM

AND ALSO THE GOALIE
IN THE ALL-CITY SOCCER TEAM.

COLLEGE PLANS?

WELL, SIR,
THAT'S KIND OF WHY I'M HERE.

I'D LIKE TO FOLLOW
ELLEN TO YALE.

I JUST GOT
MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER IN THE MAIL THIS MORNING.

WELL, ANY OTHER
QUESTIONS, DEAR?

I THINK THAT'LL DO IT.

YEP, LOOKS LIKE
NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO

IS TAKE A LOOK
AT YOUR PENIS.

WHAT'S THAT?

WE HAVE TO SEE
YOUR PENIS, DEAR.

IT'S PROBABLY
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

IT'S THE THING
THAT'S MAKING OUR GRANDSON.

AND GIVING HER
A REAL PEARL NECKLACE.

YOU WANT-- YOU WANT ME
TO, AHEM, SHOW YOU

A PICTURE OF IT
SOMEWHERE?

WHIP IT OUT, BOY.
STOP BEING WEIRD.

YOU'RE LOSING POINTS FOR
YOUR LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN IT.

- COME ON.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

UH, YEAH.
SORRY, SIR.

HMM.

NOT GREAT, NOT BAD--

JUST THERE'S A LOT OF PUBES.

SON, DO YOU TRIM AT ALL?

UH, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN, SIR.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
- OH, LOOK AT THAT SACK.

THAT REMINDS ME
OF THE LITTLE WOOD FROGS

THAT WE SAW
ON OUR HONEYMOON.

OH, YOU'RE ALREADY
CHECKING THE PEE-PEE.

- LET ME SEE.
- YES, FATHER. CAN YOU WEIGH IN ON THIS?

( sniffs )
OH, SMELLS LIKE GRAPEFRUIT.

LOOK, THE ONLY WAY
TO TRULY TELL

IS TO SEE IT HARDER.

LOOK, I'M SORRY,
BUT I CAN'T GET HARD.

I JUST CAN'T.
THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE A STROLL

TO THE PORNOGRAPHIC THEATER
ACROSS TOWN.

NO, THAT'S TOO FAR.
MOM, SPIT IN YOUR HAND.

ALL RIGHT. I'M AFRAID, SON,
IT'S JUST NOT UP TO SPEED.

- WHAT?
- IT'S OKAY.

I'M SURE THERE'LL BE
ANOTHER FAMILY THAT WOULD LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK, SIR?

I THINK MY PENIS
IS JUST FINE.

I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY GREAT.
AND IT GROWS REALLY BIG!

AND I'LL GROW MY HAIR
AS LONG AS I WANT TO.

I'LL GROW IT BIG AND BUSHY
AND VERY PROUD.

AND YES-- YES, SIR, MY PENIS
DOES SMELL LIKE GRAPEFRUITS.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I STUCK MY -- IN ONE

BEFORE I CAME OVER HERE
JUST ON THE HOPES THAT YOUR DAUGHTER

WOULD BLOW IT LATER
AND IT WOULD SMELL GOOD FOR HER.

AND YOU KNOW ANOTHER THING?
THE GRAPEFRUIT'S ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN YOUR DAUGHTER.

AND IT'S ALSO TIGHTER
AND HAS MORE VITAMIN C.

NOW THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT!

THAT'S THE PENIS SPIRIT.
HONEY, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

( crying )

ELLEN, THE PENIS SPIRIT--

I'M SORRY I GOT
INTO THE PENIS SPIRIT.

LET'S CELEBRATE.
I'LL GET YOU A GRAPEFRUIT.

GET TWO, DEAR.
AND WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, SON.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR.
- LOOK, YOU'RE HARD.

- AND SO AM I.
- OH.

MOM, BRING
THREE GRAPEFRUIT.

I SHOULD MEASURE YOU NOW.

I'D GIVE YOU A B+.

MAYBE WE COULD ALL
GANG-BANG A WATERMELON.

- ( organ music playing )
- I KNOW THIS ISN'T AN EASY DECISION,

BUT WE'VE GOT
A COUPLE OF OPTIONS.

WE'VE GOT
YOUR STANDARD CASKET

OR WE HAVE CREMATION

OR YOU CAN GET PINATA'D.

* PINATA YOUR BODY

- * PINATA YOUR BODY...
- Man: FUNERALS ARE SAD

AND WHO WANTS TO PLAY
WITH ASHES?

DO THE DIGNIFIED THING
AND SEND GRANDPA OFF

- WITH A PARTY.
- ( sustained tone )

JUST WATCH HIM DIE,
BRING HIM IN HERE,

AND THEN WE'LL GUT HIM
AND REPLACE THOSE GUTS WITH SOME CANDY!

* PINATA THE BODY

* PINATA THE BODY,
HEH HEY! *

* PINATA THE BODY

* PINATA THE BODY...

GRANDPA'S THE BEST!

BREAK THE SKIN, BOBBY.

SHOW GRANDPA
HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.

* PINATA THE BODY,
HEY HEY! *

* PINATA THE BODY...

WHAT BETTER WAY
TO SEND SOMEONE OFF?

SOMETIMES YOU DON'T LOVE
YOUR LOVED ONES,

AND FOR THAT WE OFFER
CUSTOM FILLINGS.

I FILLED YOU FULL OF --

'CAUSE YOU DON'T
DESERVE CANDY!

WE ALSO HAVE
THE DOG -- OPTION.

- * PINATA YOUR BODY...
- ( spits )

- YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE CRYING POO! - * PINATA YOUR BODY!

( cheering )

SO EVERYBODY KNOWS
I LIKE TO PARTY.

IT'S PRETTY COMMON.

MY FIRST ALBUM
WAS CALLED "PARTY."

I THINK WE HAVE
THE ALBUM COVER. YEAH. YEAH.

( audience cheering )

I HAVE FRIENDS
WHO DO TRIATHLONS. I'M JUST LIKE -- YOU.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "DUDE,
TRY ONE DAY RUNNING,

THEN SWIMMING,
THEN RIDING A BIKE."

I'M LIKE, "TRY GOING
TO VEGAS FOR FIVE DAYS,

DRINKING AND SMOKING WEED
AND DOING OTHER STUFF.

IT'S REALLY HARD."

THERE SHOULD BE
A PARTYING OLYMPICS.

I THINK THAT'D BE AWESOME.
JUST GET PARTIERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

AND JUST SEE WHO CAN
HOLD THEIR OWN.

AND THESE ARE SOME
OF THE EVENTS, ALL RIGHT?

THE FIRST EVENT OF COURSE
IS SMIRNOFF ICE HOCKEY.

YOU PLAY ON A RINK
OF SMIRNOFF ICE

AND THEN YOU CAN JUST LICK
THE RINK WHILE YOU PLAY IT

AND JUST GET A BUZZ.
THAT'S AWESOME.

THE NEXT ONE
IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES: SHOTS PUT.

SO--
( laughs )

YOU JUST THROW A SHOT GLASS
LIKE A SHOT PUT

INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S MOUTH.

MIGHT LOSE SOME TEETH,
BUT THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY

FOR BEING A GREAT
PARTYING OLYMPIAN.

THIS IS MY OTHER FAVORITE:
THE HIGH JUMP.

HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE
FOR A STONER.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A STONER
THAT DIESEL BEFORE.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA
CLEAR IT.

THIS IS ANOTHER GOOD ONE.
THIS IS CROSS-COUNTRY PEEING.

- SEE, THERE'S A TRAIL OF PEE.
- ( audience groans )

HEY, IT'S THE OLYMPICS,
YOU GUYS.

DON'T -- ON THESE OLYMPIANS,
THESE PEOPLE.

SO GROSS.

THIS IS ANOTHER--
SPEED-SKATING.

THIS GUY'S ALL JACKED UP
ON METH.

HIS TEETH ARE FALLING OUT,
BUT HE'S SKATING, DUDE.

THIS IS ONE WE'VE ALL DONE.
WE COULD ALL BE IN THIS ONE:

SYNCHRONIZED DRUNK TEXTING.

I DON'T KNOW
WHO THOSE GUYS ARE.

THEY LOOK KIND OF
LIKE DOUCHEBAGS.

LOOKS LIKE DAVE GROHL
IF HE HAD A VAGINA.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE,
THIS NEXT ONE:

THE PARALLEL BARS.

COME ON, THAT'S AMAZING!

TWO BARS PARALLEL.

AND THEN THIS ONE IS OF COURSE
THE 100-METER HURLS.

- YEAH! SO GROSS!
- ( audience groans )

THANKS FOR TUNING IN
TO THE SHOW.

THIS NEXT SKETCH
IS EVEN FILTHIER THAN WHAT YOU JUST SAW.

PARTY!

Reporter:
Action 10 News bring you the news as it happens,

now with a live
studio audience,

with Celia Diaz
and Martin Franks,

Jeff Leonard with sports
and Storm Rains covering your weather.

Good evening,
I'm Celia Diaz.

- And I'm Martin Franks.
- ( applause )

Our top stories tonight:
the construction project

on the 57 freeway
is finished

and traffic has been
greatly improved, Martin.

( cheering )

Also tonight, can you
really lose weight

eating only
chocolate brownies?

- No.
- ( murmuring )

Well, we're gonna
look at a diet

that's perfect
for chocoholics like moi.

( laughter )

But first, let's have
an update with the weather

with our own Storm Rains.

Thank you.

We'll be experiencing
some light precipitation

followed by some heavy showers
come nightfall.

( booing )

Well, thank you
for that, Storm.

Now let's go to our own
investigative reporter:

- Jim Jefferson. Jim!
- ( applause )

Police have arrested
27-year-old Luke Murphy

after he shot his neighbors
over a disagreement

regarding
the family puppy.

All: Aw!

Maybe a little bit
of the Irish in him.

- Glug glug glug.
- ( laughter )

( imitates gunfire )
Whoo!

( cheering )

And in a related story,
this little guy needs a home.

- Huh?
- All: Aw!

Actually, you know what?

I'm gonna take this little guy
home with me.

I'm gonna adopt him.
Yeah.

All right,
let's check in

with our five-day forecast
with Storm Rains.

Well, I hate saying it,
but we're looking

at some scattered showers
again tomorrow, Wednesday,

with some mild lightning,
very mild.

All: Boo!

How's Thursday looking?

Thursday?

- Um...
- Man: Boo!

- More of that.
- Man: Seriously, boo!

Again, the lightning's mild
to medium if you go by salsa.

Well, it better not
rain on Friday

because I'm doing
a special outdoor fundraiser

for special needs children
of abused mothers.

( cheering )

Audience: Boo!

How could you do that
to those children?

I-- I didn't mean--

there's also gonna
be lightning...

All: Boo!

...a violent amount
of lightning.

Man: How about some sun,
asswipe?!

Look, I wish I could
give you sun, all right?

I can't. I just can't
make sun appear.

Man:
Because you suck!

You're probably gonna
make it rain all weekend!

I'm not gonna make it rain.
You know who is? God.

Let's go to sports
with Jeff Leonard.

Everybody won tonight!
Ha ha ha!

In every sport!
Yeah!

And check this:
every WNBA game

is sold out-- out!

- High-five!
- Whoo, we did it!

And it looks like every team's
gonna make the play-offs!

Yeah! Let's just hope
it doesn't rain.

You can't do that, Jeff.

You can't say everyone's gonna
win and make the play-offs.

That's logistically
impossible.

You know what-- you're a real
rain in the ass.

- ( laughter )
- Oh, this just in:

there's gonna be a blizzard
at Martin's house

because he has
a coke problem.

Why be such a buzzkill?

It's gonna be
raining abortions

because Celia's gonna have
her eighth one.

- True story.
- Oh, here's a fun fact:

you know,
Storm hates America.

( booing )

I don't hate America, okay?

You know what I hate?
I hate this phony news team!

( thuds, dog yelps )

- You killed Bubbles!
- ( audience grousing )

Oh God, Bubbles.

- Storm's horrible!
- Sorry.

Everyone, just wear-- bring
an umbrella out this weekend.

- Hey, -- you, Storm!
- Everyone relax, all right?

I hope your ass
rains blood.

- Kill Storm.
- Kill Storm.

( all chanting )
Kill Storm, Kill Storm...

Stop.
Everyone just relax.

- Relax, all right?
- Have it rain blood!

- ( chanting continues )
- Stay the -- away from me!

Oh yeah!

( guttural cries )

We'll be right back
with Craft Corner.

- That sounds fun.
- I like crafts.

Announcer:
SOME GUYS BOX BECAUSE THEY WANT TO TRAIN,

SOME GUYS BOX
TO GET IN SHAPE,

AND SOME GUYS
PRETEND TO BOX

BECAUSE THEY'RE HIDING
A SECRET.

( whispers )
GAY!

WELL, WE HAVE
THE PUNCHING BAG FOR YOU.

* PUNCH, PUMP

* PUNCH WHILE YOU PUMP

* AND THEN CRY...

I'M STEEN AIRIES.

I INVENTED THE PUMP PUNCH

BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET
MY FEELINGS OUT IN PRIVATE.

I WAS REALLY GAY
AND NEEDED TO WORK THROUGH IT

WITHOUT A CROWD
AT THE GYM.

I ALSO WANTED TO GET OUT
MY GIANT LOAD OF GAY --

THAT WAS FILLING
MY SAD BODY.

I WAS A LOST SOUL.

LOOK AT ME BACK THEN--
SO YOUNG AND ANGRY

AND GAY AS --.

DOES IT MEAN YOU CAN'T GO
TO THE GYM? HUH-UH.

JUST GET THE DEMONS OUT
IN PRIVATE.

- DON'T BE THIS GUY.
- CAN I USE THE BAG?

- YOU WANNA -- ME?
- NO.

- YOU WANNA FIGHT?
- NO.

- YOU WANNA FIGHT MY --?
- HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?

FIGHT IT.
FIGHT MY --!

( laughs )

THE SUCCESS STORIES
ADD UP EVERY DAY.

GOOD WORKOUT TODAY, GARY?

YEAH, STEEN.
AMAZING!

I HIT THE BAG TODAY
WITH ZERO WORRY

OF ANY KIND OF HIDDEN GAY RAGE
PULSING THROUGH MY BODY

THAT WOULD COME OUT AS TEARS
OR MAYBE A WIENER MILK TORNADO

THAT WOULD SPRAY OUT
ALL OVER THE FLOOR

AND PEOPLE
WOULD SLIP ON IT.

THE PUMP AND PUNCH
MADE ME CONFIDENT IN WHO I AM

AND MADE ME REALIZE
THAT I DON'T WANNA HIT ANYONE VIOLENTLY.

I WANNA GET HIT
WITH BALLS VIOLENTLY.

THAT'S RIGHT, GARY.

BREATHE DEEP.

CHECK OUT
ALL OF OUR PRODUCTS.

WE HAVE THE STANDARD,
COMPLETE WITH KLEENEX

FOR FACE OR PENIS TEARS.

WE HAVE PUNCH
AND GET PUMPED

AND/OR SUCK AND/OR GET SUCKED
WHILE PUMP/SUCK.

AND THE PUNCH AND PUMP
PARTY PACK

FOR YOUR WHOLE FRAT.

SO GOOD LUCK, FELLAS,
AND TO YOU TOO, LADIES,

WITH THE LESBO BAGINA BAG.

* PUNCH, PUMP

* PUNCH AND THEN PUMP

* PUNCH WHILE YOU PUMP

* AND THEN CRY.

THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN.
YOU'RE AWESOME.

SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOM
AND YOUR DAD.

TELL THEM I'M SORRY
AND NOT TO WATCH THIS SHOW.

WHOOP!

Man:
TERRIFIC!

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