Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E! *

UM, OKAY, I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU A VERY PERSONAL STORY.

ALL RIGHT?

AND IT'S ABOUT CRAPPING MYSELF.

NOW I KNOW, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE'S THINKING LIKE,

"OH YEAH, -- YOUR PANTS STORY, SWARDSON, OKAY.

OF COURSE HE'S GONNA TELL SOME GROSS STORY."

BUT IT'S DIFFERENT, OKAY?

'CAUSE HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU CRAPPED YOURSELF

AND IT'S AFFECTED THE OUTCOME OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

NOT MANY TIMES, OKAY?

ME AND ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS WENT TO THE GYM

AND THEN WE WENT HOME TO HIS PLACE TO GET READY

TO GO CLUBBING AND -- SOME -- UP.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOFT RIGHT HERE.

WE COME HOME TO THE LOFT,

HIS ROOMMATE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THEY'RE SITTING THERE CHILLING.

WE COME IN, MY BUDDY GOES RIGHT INTO THE BATHROOM.

HE'S GONNA SHOWER, OKAY? SO I'M JUST KICKING IT

IN THE KITCHEN, LITTLE ON-DECK CIRCLE,

WAITING TO GO INTO THE SHOWER NEXT.

ALL OF A SUDDEN I GET THAT, LIKE...

( gurgling )

IT'S LIKE, OKAY. SO I CASUALLY WALK OVER TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M LIKE, "YO, CAN I USE THE BATHROOM REAL QUICK?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M IN THE SHOWER, MAN. JUST CHILL OUT."

NOW I GET A LITTLE BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, DUDE. I'VE REALLY GOT TO TAKE A PEE."

LIE. "JUST LET ME IN. COME ON, DUDE."

HE'S LIKE, "I'M IN THE SHOWER. ARE YOU PSYCHO?"

I'M LIKE, "NO." SO I GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN.

NOW THE THIRD WAVE HITS.

AND THIS ONE IS A -- POONAMI.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THIS IS--

THE VILLAGE IS NOT GONNA SURVIVE THIS ONE.

IT'S COMING IN BIG AND FAST.

I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD. I'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT AN ALTERNATIVE RIGHT NOW."

SO I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA GO TO THE TRASH BASKET"

I TAKE ONE STEP-- NOPE, TOO LATE.

AND BY THE WAY, I'M WEARING BOXER SHORTS.

SO IT'S-- EVERYTHING IS OUT.

THE WHOLE BUILDING EVICTED.

EVERYBODY. DON'T GRAB ANY CLOTHES.

LEAVE THE LAMP. YOU'RE OUT ON THE STREETS.

SO I'M HORRIFIED, OBVIOUSLY.

AND IT IT'S LIKE IT HAPPENED--

I CAN'T EVEN HEAR I'M SO HORRIFIED.

IT'S LIKE... OOOH!

LIKE, HOW DO I DEAL WITH THE SITUATION?

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY, I'VE GOT TO CLEAN THIS UP.

--!"

- THE TWO DOGS-- - ( audience groans )

--YEAH, LIKE SMELL IT AND RUN OVER BARKING.

SO NOW THEY'RE BARKING OVER AND LIKE RUNNING THROUGH IT.

HORRIFIED! SO THEN MY BUDDY'S GIRLFRIEND GOES,

"HEY, MUFFIN." OR WHATEVER THE DOG'S NAME IS.

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" STARTS WALKING OVER.

AND SHE GOES, "OH NO."

AND I WAS LIKE...

AND SHE GOES, "BAD DOG."

SO JUST THEN THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS.

I'M LIKE, "PEACE."

I GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND I WALK OUT OF THE BATHROOM

A COUPLE MINUTES LATER AND THE WHOLE PLACE IS DEAD QUIET.

NOBODY'S THERE. JUST MY BUDDY.

AND I GO, "WHAT'S UP, MAN?"

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, CRAZY."

AND I GO, "WHAT?"

AND HE GOES,

"MY ROOMMATE'S GIRLFRIEND'S DOG JUST -- ALL OVER THE FLOOR."

AND I'M LIKE, "NO WAY."

AND HE GOES, "YEAH."

AND HE GOES, "THEY JUST GOT INTO A HUGE FIGHT AND BROKE UP OVER IT."

( audience ooohs )

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?!"

HE GOES, "YEAH, MY ROOMMATE SAID

HE DOESN'T WANT THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE 'CAUSE THEY'VE -- BEFORE.

AND IF THEY -- AGAIN, HE WANTS THOSE -- DOGS OUT OF HERE.

AND SHE STARTED CRYING."

AND IN MY HEAD I'M LIKE, "SWEET!"

I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY KNEW I -- MYSELF.

SO I'M JUST STANDING THERE. AND THEN HE TAKES A BEAT

AND HE GOES, "DID YOU -- ON THE FLOOR?"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

I'M LIKE, "NO." AND HE GOES,

"IT'S JUST WEIRD 'CAUSE IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE DOG --.

IT WAS SO BIZARRE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, DOGS ARE CRAZY."

AND THEN HE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. HE'S LIKE, "I'VE GOT TO TAKE A LEAK.

AND HE WALKS OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HE GOES,

"DID YOU -- ON THE FLOOR?"

AND I GO, "NO. WHAT?"

AND HE GOES, "THERE'S A TRASH BASKET FILLED WITH --

THAT HAD BEEN WIPED OFF SOMETHING."

AND I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL FOREVER THANK MY BRAIN

FOR THIS SPLIT SECOND.

AND I DON'T EVEN-- LIKE AUTOPILOT I JUST GO,

"NO, I STEPPED IN IT BEFORE I WENT IN THE SHOWER."

AND HE TOOK A BEAT AND HE JUST GOES, "OH, OKAY."

AND I WAS LIKE-- I GOT AWAY WITH IT TO THIS DAY.

SO HOPEFULLY HE NEVER SEES THIS SHOW.

Man: CLARENCE.

WE GOT 22-YEAR-OLD BANEEQUWA.

( applause )

AND LITTLE 14-MONTH-OLD DEANDRE.

Audience: AW!

WHAT A CUTE LITTLE KID.

NOW, BANEEQUWA, DO YOU KNOW WHO DEANDRE'S FATHER IS?

YEAH.

HE SAID THAT HE "LOVEDED" ME.

HE SAID THAT HE WAS GONNA TAKE CARE OF ME.

BUT SOON AS I GOT PREGNANT WHAT HE DO?

- HE DISAPPEARED. - Audience: BOO!

HE IS A LYING PIECE OF -- PLAYA.

HARSH WORDS. HE SAID HE "LOVEDED" YOU AND LEFT.

PLEASE WELCOME ZARGON SQUIZLOZWEEZELZWEEBS.

( booing )

HUH-UH-UH. IT AIN'T EVEN LIKE THAT.

ALIEN BASTARD.

THAT IS YOUR BABY. THAT IS YOUR BABY.

NO IT AIN'T, BITCH.

OOOH!

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT IS NOT YOUR CHILD?

NO WAY. I WOULD NOT

SHOVE A LOAD OF SPACE NUT IN BANEEQUWA.

SHE'S DONE HALF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

THAT COULD BE SQUEEZO'S KID OR GLEEZOID'S.

- WOW. - GHETTO-ASS EARTH HO.

OOH!

YOU AND ALL THOSE SPACE --.

OOH!

ALL EARTH WOMEN ARE HOS.

( clamoring )

I LOVED YOU IN "THE HELP."

EASY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO TO THE CROWD AND GET SOME REACTIONS HERE.

SIRE, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS?

YO, I KNOW HOW WOMEN BE. THAT'S WHY I SIDE WITH THIS GREEN -- RIGHT HERE.

GO GREEN FOR LIFE. YO, SQUIZLOZWEEZELZWEEBS'S MY BOY.

- OKAY, MA'AM. - ZARGON, YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR MOON MONEY

- AND SUPPORT YOUR BABY. - ( cheering )

MM-HMM.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT. VERY GOOD POINT.

YO, TAKE A HOMIE TO SPACE, --.

I TAKE CARE OF MINES. BUT THAT IS NOT MINES.

THAT KID DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE ME.

- ARE THOSE MY EARS? - MM-HMM.

ARE THOSE MY ANTENNAE?

THAT'S YOUR BABY RIGHT THERE. YOU THE FATHER.

YOU KNOW, AND I LOVEDED YOU.

OH, I LOVEDED YOU.

DRINK FROM MY SPACE --, SKEEZER.

OOOH!

I'M GONNA KNOCK THE GREEN OFF OF YOU ONE MORE TIME HERE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO THE PATERNITY TEST

AND FIND OUT WHO THE FATHER IS?

( cheering )

IS IT ZARGON? IS IT QUAZOID?

IS IT SQUEEZOID? IT IS SQUAZAPS?

OR IS IT SQUIZLOSWEEPS?

OKAY OKAY, JUST GET TO IT.

HERE WE GO. ZARGON,

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

( clamoring )

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

TASTE MY -- LASER.

- ( screaming ) - TAKE THAT!

OH, GENITAL LASERS.

TAKE THAT.

LOOK OUT FOR THE GENITAL LASERS.

SEE, CLARENCE? THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME.

THAT'S WHAT HE DID. HE LAYS IT ALL UP IN MY VAGEE.

I'M SORRY, BANEEQUWA.

SO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

WE'VE GOT AN ALIEN WITH 17 --.

THREE OF THEM ARE GAY. DOES THAT MAKE HIM GAY?

TUNE IN. THANKS FOR WATCHING.

OKAY, MR. BRUNER. THE DOCTOR WILL BE IN

WITH YOUR TEST RESULTS SHORTLY, OKAY?

AND, UH, SPOILER ALERT-- YOU'VE GOT AIDS.

IF YOU'RE READY FOR THE FUTURE OF CLEAN UP,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR REED O'FRAMPTON.

YES!

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS. I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I'VE CLEANED UP A LOT OF SPILLS.

- ( laughing ) - WE ALL HAVE, RIGHT?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD THIS? "GARY DROPPED GRAPE JUICE

ON THE STEREO AGAIN."

RIGHT? GARY.

ANYWAY, THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE RIGHT NOW, COME ON.

( applause )

AND YOU KNOW WHY THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE?

I DON'T KNOW. OUT LITTLE FRIEND BEEP BEEP SWEEP.

( cheering )

- COME ON, BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

- BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

ALL RIGHT. PEOPLE ASK ME EVERY DAY,

LITERALLY EVERY DAY, "REED,

WHAT CAN THE BEEP BEEP SWEEP REALLY PICK UP?"

THIS IS FOR YOU, RANDOM GUY.

HOPE YOU'RE TUNING IN.

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE? OUR OLD FRIEND SODA.

YEAH, WE KNOW HIM WELL, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WALKING ALONG-- OOPSY.

YOU TRIP OVER THE TURTLE OR SOMETHING.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO THAT? BEEP BEEP.

- SWEEP. - THAT'S GONE.

IT'S GONE. ALL RIGHT, HOUDINI?

( laughs )

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

OH NO, SOMEONE MADE A PEE-PEE ON THE FLOOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO YOU, PEE-PEE?

- I SAW BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

LOOK AT THAT. WHERE'D THE PEE-PEE GO?

NOW WE ALL KNOW THIS ONE.

MONDAY MORNING YOU WAKE UP AND GO TO THE KITCHEN

AND THERE'S GAY BLOOD.

OH NO. AND THEN YOU GO BEEP BEEP.

- SWEEP. - LOOK AT THAT.

- GONE. - YES.

NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

CAN BEEP BEEP HANDLE GAY BLOOD AND URINE AT THE SAME TIME?

LET'S TALK TO THESE DANCE PARTNERS RIGHT HERE.

HERE WE GO, DANCING GAY BLOOD AND PEE-PEE TOGETHER.

BUT NOT ONLY THAT. LET'S THROW IN

SOME FOOD POISONING DIARRHEA FROM OYSTERS.

EEW!

- AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

- BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

COME ON, GUYS. WOO-HOO!

THERE'S SODA POP, THE PEE-PEE, THE GAY BLOOD.

ALL RIGHT, WE'VE SEEN IT. WE'VE SEEN IT. WE'VE SEEN IT.

LET'S CREATE A SCENARIO. YOU'RE HAVING A LITTLE PICNIC, RIGHT?

YOU GOT YOUR SODA. EVERYONE'S DRINKING SODA.

THEN WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY GOT TO PEE.

THEN WHAT DO THEY DO? SOME GUY SHOWS UP.

YOU PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BRICK.

AND THEN YOU -- ON HIS CHEST.

( cheering )

AND WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY DO? THEY JERK OFF ON IT.

( cheering )

BEEP BEEP SWEEP!

YEAH!

BEEP BEEP SWEEP! BEEP BEEP SWEEP!

YES!

- BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

( cheering )

MORE DIRTY ITEMS! YEAH!

BEEP BEEP SWEEP. BEEP BEEP SWEEP.

( laughs )

( sobbing )

I NEED HELP.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS CHEERING ON THE BLOOD AND THE SEMEN?

ALL THESE FLUIDS ARE REAL. THEY'RE FROM MY OWN BODY.

I JERKED OFF FOR A YEAR IN THIS.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS CHEERING

AND NOT FINDING A DOCTOR FOR ME?

- BEEP BEEP. - SWEEP.

- BEEP BEEP! - SWEEP!

I'M BACK. BEEP BEEP.

YEAH, BEEP BEEP SWEEP.

Announcer: For just $21 a month,

you can buy diet pills for an overweight American.

If you've lived through a famine

then you understand the pain a fat person feels

when they show up at a Wendy's and the drive-thru is closed.

For the price of a cow

or eight months of feeding your family,

you can make a difference.

For just $34

you can build a schoolhouse for your village

or a reinforced toilet seat for a fat American family.

Together we can end the cycle of shame and hardship

suffered by millions of Americans

surrounded by just too much delicious food.

For the price of feeding your whole village for a year,

you can buy a Rascal that can transport

a fat American from his car to the grocery store.

For 40¢ a day

I send one bag of carrots a week

to a fat man in Wisconsin.

It feels good to know I am making a difference.

"Dear Khala,

It is Rory.

I went to the state fair today

and had fried cupcakes.

But ate your carrots for dessert."

Announcer: Please call 1-800-555-0199. There is no obligation.

For the price of schoolbooks and malaria medicine,

you can help make Americans slightly less fat.

Together we can make a difference.

( rattles )

I DON'T WEAR COLOGNE. ALL RIGHT? I DON'T.

THE BALCONY.

I WOULD THOUGH, IF CINNABON MADE A COLOGNE.

YEAH, RIGHT?

WHY HAVE THEY NOT DONE THAT YET?

IT'S THE BEST SMELL EVER.

YOU EVER JUST WALK THROUGH AN AIRPORT AND YOU'RE LIKE...

( inhales ) OH, I WANT TO -- THAT.

( inhales ) OH MY GOD.

I MEAN I BONE CINNABONS JUST AS THEMSELVES.

JUST THE BUN ITSELF. I'LL -- GO OFF.

IMAGINE IF--

I LIKE TO DRINK. IT'S NOT A SECRET.

I LIKE DAY DRINKING. IT'S FUN.

I LIKE JUST ONE DAY--

JUST TAKE LIKE A TUESDAY OFF AND JUST GET HAMMERED.

BUT LIKE AT NOON--

LIKE JUST GET BLACKED OUT AT LIKE NOON ON A TUESDAY.

BUT THEN JUST GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST GET BLACKED OUT AND LIKE GO TO THE BANK.

AND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS IN LIKE WORK MODE

AND YOU'RE JUST STANDING IN LINE LIKE...

BUT IN YOUR HEAD YOU'RE LIKE,

"NOBODY KNOWS I'M HAMMERED."

SUCH A COOL FEELING.

I LOVE IT.

THE WORD WHISKEY IN GAELIC,

THAT LANGUAGE,

IT MEANS WATER OF LIFE.

IT'S TRUE, BEARDO.

AND I THINK THAT'S REALLY NICE BECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER

WHEN YOU TELL A GIRL, "I'M SORRY, I HAVE WATER OF LIFE --."

- HEY, GUYS. - HEY.

HOW ARE YOU? OH, LOOK AT THE BABY.

- IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. CONGRATS. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- HEY, I GOT YOU GUYS A GIFT. - COME ON.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. I GOT YOU GUYS A COUPON BOOK.

OH, FOR LIKE DIAPERS AND STUFF?

NO, I MADE ALL THE COUPONS MYSELF FOR YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE PARENTS, YOU GOT A NEW BABY.

IT'S JUST STUFF TO HELP YOU AROUND THE HOUSE.

THIS IS FOR A FREE BABYSITTER.

- YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA NEED THAT ONE - OH.

OH, THIS IS FOR ONE FREE IN-HOUSE CIRCUMCISION.

YEAH, FORGET THAT ONE. I DIDN'T KNOW WRIGLEY WAS A GIRL UNTIL I SHOWED UP.

CIRCUMCISION ISN'T SPELLED CORRECTLY.

JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T SPELL IT DON'T MEAN I CAN'T DO IT.

THIS IS A FREE DIAPER- CHANGING DEMONSTRATION. THAT'S GOOD.

NEXT TIME WE'RE CHANGING WRIGLEY WE'LL--

OH NO NO NO, IT'S NOT FOR CHANGING WRIGLEY. I'M THE BABY

AND I GIVE YOU POINTERS WHILE YOU CHANGE ME WHOEVER WANTS TO CHANGE ME.

- WE DON'T WANT THAT. - THIS IS A NICE ONE.

FREE LULLABY. THAT'S NICE. SUPER SWEET.

I SING THE CLASSICS. I SING NEW ONES.

I MAKE UP ONES. I MEAN, IT'S FUN.

- WILL YOU MAKE ONE UP RIGHT NOW? - OF COURSE, YEAH YEAH.

* THE BABY SLEEPS, DREAMING OF -- *

* DREAMING OF --

- * AND BABY BOUGHT BLACK -- CITY... * - THANK YOU.

- * IN BLACK -- CITY YOU'RE THE MAYOR. * - THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - OKAY.

- YOU HAVE A PRETTY VOICE. - THANKS.

THANKS FOR SINGING THAT. WHAT IS THIS?

"10 FREE BACK RUBS"?

THAT SAYS 10 FREE NAKED BACK RUBS.

THAT'S JUST FOR YOUR WIFE. AND SHE'S CLOTHED, I'M NAKED SO IT'S NOT WEIRD.

OKAY, THIS SAYS 10 FREE FRONT RUBS.

AND THAT'S FOR EITHER OF YOU.

TAKE ME UP ON THAT.

WHAT IS THIS? ONE FREE FART COMA?

YEAH, A FART COMA.

I GET MY BUDDIES OVER, WE DO ABOUT 20 JAEGER BOMBS APIECE.

A LOT OF GUAC IS INVOLVED.

WE BACK UP INTO IT AND WE JUST HIT THE BABY

WITH FARTS UNTIL IT CAN'T SEE OR HEAR.

WE DON'T WANT A FART COMA FOR OUR CHILD.

- BABY SLUMBER PARTY? - WE HAVE A LITTLE SLUMBER PARTY FOR THE BABY.

THAT'S PRETTY SWEET, ACTUALLY.

YEAH, ALL IN ONE SLEEPING BAG.

AND THEN WE THROW IN A WOLVERINE, WE GIVE IT ANGEL DUST

AND WE PUT IT IN THE SLEEPING BAG TOO.

AND THEN IT'S LIKE, WHICH BABY'S GONNA LIVE? AND THEN...

INAPPROPRIATE.

THIS IS BABY SCARECROW. SO IF SHE HAS A TEACHER

WHEN SHE'S IN SCHOOL AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE HER,

I WILL TAKE HER AND WE'LL GUT THE TEACHER OUT

AND WE'LL STUFF THE TEACHER FULL OF HAY

AND THEN PUT HER LIKE A SCARECROW IN THE PARKING LOT

SO ALL THE OTHER TEACHERS SEE IT AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"OKAY, WE'RE NOT GONNA MESS WITH WRIGLEY EVER."

"IF YOUR BABY IS KIDNAPPED BY A RELIGIOUS CULT

AND THE COPS WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

I WILL GET YOUR BABY BACK

AND KILL THE CULT LEADER FREE OF CHARGE."

- HOPEFULLY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO USE THAT ONE. - YEAH.

- I HOPE SO. - IT'S A BABY.

- ( laughing ) - DON'T TOUCH IT.

- -- SUCK YOUR MOM'S --. - SHH. SHE'S SLEEPING.

- ( baby crying ) - NURSE.

NICK. NICK, I NEED YOUR HELP.

MY BABY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A RELIGIOUS CULT.

OH MY GOD. WHAT DID THE POLICE SAY?

THE COPS WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. DON'T WORRY, OKAY?

WE'LL GET YOUR BABY BACK. I'LL KILL THE CULT LEADER.

- JUST LET ME GET MY SHOTGUN. - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.

DO YOU HAVE THE COUPON?

NO. I DON'T HAVE IT ON ME.

I'M GONNA NEED THAT BEFORE I DO ANYTHING.

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. DON'T WORRY.

I'LL JUST TAKE 35 GRAND IN CASH, $100 BILLS.

OKAY, CAN YOU JUST PLEASE SAVE MY BABY

AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE COUPON LATER, ALL RIGHT? OKAY?

I WISH I COULD. I JUST--

I NEED IT PRESENTED AT THE TIME OF PURCHASE.

I'LL GO HOME AND GET IT.

GREAT. AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET YOUR BABY.

WE'LL GET IT. GET THE COUPON.

Announcer: THIS FALL ON CBS...

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE THE MAN TOUCHED YOU.

Announcer: DARREN JEREMY WAS THE BEST SEX CRIME LAWYER IN THE BUSINESS.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE YOU'RE GONNA TOUCH ME.

IS THAT WHAT YOU USE WITH THE KIDS?

- YEAH. - OH GOD.

Announcer: BUT THEN ONE DAY HE WAS FIRED

AND FINALLY FOUND HIS TRUE CALLING.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL.

MR. JEREMY, THIS IS A CORPORATE CASE.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHICH HAND YOU SIGNED THE DOCUMENTS WITH.

THE LEFT ONE.

Announcer: "DARREN JEREMY DOLL LAWYER."

HE TOOK THE MONEY WITH HIS HANDS,

PUT IT BACK IN HIS WALLET.

IT'S RIGHT ON THE FACE ON THE DOLL.

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY

DID YOU SEE THE MAN SHRED THE DOCUMENTS WITH?

MY EYES.

ON THE DOLL!

THANK YOU.

- CAN YOU DO THAT? - I DON'T DO THAT.

- YOU DO THAT? - THAT'S ALL YOU.

NO, THIS IS YOUR HEAD AND THAT'S...

DOWNTOWN.

Announcer: HE'S NEVER LOST A CASE, BUT HAS HE FINALLY MET HIS MATCH?

SHOW ME ON THE BEAR.

SHOW ME ON THE BEAR WHERE EXACTLY...

OBJECTION!

YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

OH COME ON, JUST BECAUSE THIS IS A LOT MORE ADORABLE

THAN THAT FACELESS MONSTER.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE THE BEAR TOUCHED YOU.

Announcer: TUNE IN TO "DOLL LAWYER"

TUESDAYS AT 10:00.

WILL YOU DO THAT?

YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD ON YOUR OWN.

- SHOULD WE GET ANOTHER DOLL? - DO YOU HAVE A DARKER ONE?

- YOU MEAN A BLACK DOLL? - I LIKE A LOT OF DOLLS.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE SHOW.

YOU'RE AWESOME. THANK YOU.

( theme music playing )