Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E! *

- ( cheering ) - WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

WELCOME TO SEASON TWO OF "PRETEND TIME."

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LOOK AT BEARDO.

BEARDO WROTE THE THEME SONG FOR "PRETEND TIME."

HE'S GOT THE BEST SHIRT EVER. IT JUST SAYS "ALL METHED UP."

- AND NOWHERE TO GO. - ( all laugh )

SO I WAS READING A MAGAZINE RECENTLY-- IT'S A TRUE STORY--

AND THEY HAD--

THEY HAD AN AD FOR JACK DANIELS, THE LIQUOR.

THIS WAS THEIR CAMPAIGN IN THE MAGAZINE

FOR JACK DANIELS. THIS IS REAL.

THEIR AD WAS-- IT SAID "JACK DANIELS.

DRINK RESPONSIBLY."

WHICH JUST MADE ME LAUGH, BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN

CLOSE TO RESPONSIBLE WHENEVER I'VE DRANK JACK DANIELS.

LIKE NEVER! I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN CLOSE.

AND THAT'S THEIR CAMPAIGN. IT'S LIKE--

THAT'S FALSE ADVERTISING FOR THAT PRODUCT.

THAT AD SHOULD BE LIKE "JACK DANIELS.

- --. GOOD LUCK." - ( laughing )

"JACK DANIELS. YOUR DOG'S AS GOOD AS RAPED."

THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE.

THAT WOULD PREPARE PEOPLE MENTALLY

FOR THEIR JACK DANIELS BENDER.

YEAH, I GO TO A LOT OF BARS. I LIKE DIVE BARS.

- ( people cheer ) - Nick: YEAH.

YOU GUYS ARE RAGING ALCOHOLICS IF THAT WAS--

IF THAT WAS THE REACTION FOR DIVE BARS.

THIS IS WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE GROSS.

THIS JUST REALLY CONFUSES ME AS A GUY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND URINALS.

LIKE WHEN YOU GO-- GIRLS, YOU DON'T GET TO SEE THIS.

THANK GOD. WHEN YOU GO UP TO A GUYS' URINAL,

THERE'S -- HAIR ALL OVER IT.

IT'S SO BAFFLING TO ME.

LIKE SOME KIND OF PUBIC FAIRY

CAME BY AND WAS JUST LIKE

"DOODLE-EE! PUBES."

AND THEN JUST FLOATS AWAY.

I'VE NEVER-- HOW DOES IT JUST SHED?

LIKE, GUYS ARE JUST SHEDDING--

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO PULL ONE PUBIC HAIR OUT?

IT'S LIKE THE MOST PAINFUL THING ON THE PLANET.

TRY IT AT HOME RIGHT NOW IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME.

IT'S AWFUL, BUT SOMEHOW GUYS JUST WALK INTO BARS LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT. I'M DONE PEEING,

I'M JUST GONNA RIP SOME PUBES OFF." ( screaming )

DID A WEREWOLF TAKE A -- IN THIS URINAL?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHAT GOES ON AT NIGHT AT DIVE BARS?

IT'S NOT COOL.

ANYWAY, ENJOY THIS NEXT SKETCH.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY MY GRANDMOTHER.

MY NAME'S NICK AND I'M JUST YOUR AVERAGE GUY.

I'M FROM GREENWOOD, INDIANA.

I LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS, SHOOT HOOPS,

WALK UP TO PEOPLE I KNOW AND BE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, BRO?"

THIS IS MY HOUSE. THIS IS MY DOG CHAUNCY

AND THIS IS MY GIRL, DENISE.

I HAVE A PRETTY NORMAL LIFE,

BUT THAT'S ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE

BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER KATLYN IS 16 MONTHS AND PREGNANT.

WHEN WE FIRST FOUND OUT KATLYN WAS PREGNANT,

IT WAS LIKE "WHOA!" AND YEAH,

IT'S DEFINITELY CAUSED SOME STRESS BETWEEN DENISE AND ME.

- HONEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.

I-I-- I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!

HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO US AFTER EVERYTHING THAT WE TOLD HER?

- I DON'T-- - * DON'T BE SAD, BE GLAD, BE HAPPY... *

WE DID OUR BEST. JUST NEED TO MAKE SMALLER CONDOMS.

DENISE IS RIGHT. WE THOUGHT WE'D RAISED KATLYN BETTER THAN THIS.

I FOR ONE BLAME CODY. HE'S THE DEADBEAT DAD.

I'M A GUY AND I KNOW WHAT GUYS ARE LIKE AT THAT AGE.

* DON'T BE SAD, BE HAPPY FOR ME *

* DON'T BE SAD, BE GLAD... *

- ( crying ) MOMMY. - * BE HAPPY FOR ME

* I'LL BE HOME COME SUNDOWN... *

CODY DID WHAT SO MANY BAD FATHERS DO--

- HE LEFT, LEFT WHEN IT WAS IMPORTANT. - Denise: YUP.

- I GOT A KICK. - IS IT KICKING?

YOU'RE GONNA GO THROUGH A LOT OF STUFF, SWEETHEART.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE-- YOU GOT YOUR BABY PHASE OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE LESBO PHASE AROUND FIVE OR SIX.

YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF LIFE YOU'RE LIVING A LITTLE TOO SOON.

- IT'S LA-- - A LITTLE TOO SOON.

THANK YOU.

IS THAT TEQUILA?

WE THOUGHT A BABY SHOWER WOULD BE A NICE WAY

FOR KATLYN TO SEE HOW MANY FRIENDS SHE HAS WHO LOVE HER

- AND GET CODY OUT OF HER HEAD. - Denise: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

AW. MEGAN GAVE YOU A BREAST PUMP. WANT TO DO THAT LATER, KATLYN?

- YAY! LOOK. - Nick: I THINK WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS.

AS LONG AS THERE'S NO MORE DRAMA.

- DO YOU THINK SHE'S READY? - WERE WE READY?

YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

( ringtone chimes )

* DON'T BE SAD, BE HAPPY FOR ME... *

( vocalizing )

AH!

CONGRATULATIONS, CODY. YOUR BABY'S HAVING A BABY.

Announcer: PREVIOUSLY ON "WHEELCHAIR CAT,"

AFTER EDNA QUIST LEFT HER ENTIRE ESTATE

TO HER CAT, MR. STITCHES,

HER SON EDMOND SOUGHT REVENGE.

- ( snorts ) - HIS FAILED MURDER ATTEMPT

- LEFT MR. STITCHES PARALYZED. - ( Stitches screeches )

AND THE HOSPITAL BILL ATE UP ALL THE INHERITANCE,

FORCING HIM TO BECOME...

* I WANNA DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO *

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD *

* I CAN'T REFUSE A LITTLE BREAKING THE RULES *

* 'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANT WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE *

* DANCE ALL NIGHT ON THE WILD SIDE *

- * IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD - * BAD BAD BAD.

( rock music playing )

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, BABY?

Computerized voice: I WANT TO LITTER YOUR BOX.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - DON'T PLAY DUMB, P.F. CHANG.

I WANT TO PURR INTO YOUR DOWNSTAIRS FUR.

- NOW THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE IT. - GET SOME MORE GIRLS.

I WANT TO MAKE A HERPES PYRAMID.

- THEY'RE ALL BUSY, SUGAR. - REALLY? I WILL CHANGE THAT.

( computer speaking )

( whirring )

GRAB THE CASH, YOU MOLESTED PIGS.

I LIKE TO LICK IT BEFORE I STICK IT.

LET ME TAKE SOME -- ON YOUR FAKE TITS.

MR. STITCHES!

I WOULD LIKE TO SNORT CATNIP OFF YOUR FAT NIPS.

- GET HIM OUT OF HERE, MIKE. - HEY, BITCH, HIDE ME IN YOUR VAGINA.

- LET'S GO, PUSSY. - AND WHEN YOU WERE THROWN OUT,

- THAT'S WHEN YOU SNAPPED? - I DIDN'T SNAP.

I TOLD YOU I WENT HOME AND...

- MEOW. - RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM ONE HOUR LATER.

I'm so high on coke. Just call me Yack Sniffleson.

THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME. YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HIS FACE.

WELL, YOU CAN SEE THE TAIL, THE FUR AND THE WHEELCHAIR.

YOU'RE NOT JUDGE JUDY,

SO TASTE THE SMELL FROM MY BOOTY.

- ( farts ) - ORDER! PLEASE DON'T SPRAY IN THE COURTROOM.

BACK TO THE VIDEO, PLEASE.

- Say hello to my little friend. - ( whirrs )

What? What? St--

AND RIGHT THERE-- RIGHT THERE IS WHERE YOU SHOT HIM VIOLENTLY.

I CAN'T USE A GUN. I HAVE PAWS.

I SAY "MEOW" AND USE A SCRATCHING POST.

- MEOW. - OKAY, THE CAT EXCUSE IS GETTING OLD.

MEMBERS OF THE JURY, WATCH THIS VIDEO

AND AS WE PUSH IN--

RIGHT THERE-- SOME COCAINE.

I DON'T DO COCAINE. I JUST LIKE THE WAY IT SMELLS.

HEY-O, WHO GOTS THE YA-YO?

UNBELIEVABLE. MEMBERS OF THE JURY,

THIS IS THE EASIEST CASE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

YOU'VE SEEN THE VIDEO OF THIS COLD-BLOODED KILLER.

CATS DON'T HAVE NINE LIVES, THEY HAVE ONE.

END HIS TODAY.

COME ON, JURORS. STOP BEING GAY.

STOP BEING GAY.

Computerized voice: KILLING SOMEONE IN COLD BLOOD--

THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

...PLAYING IN A YARD, CHASING MY TAIL,

BUT THAT ENDED IN A COLD-BLOODED MURDER ATTEMPT.

WAS THE KILLER EVER CAUGHT? NO. AM I BITTER?

...REMEMBERING HOW FUN IT WAS TO PLAY IN THE SUN

WHILE RAISING MY SON.

( meows )

HIS PENIS DOESN'T WORK. HE CAN'T MAKE A KITTEN.

I FIND THE DEFENDANT NOT GUILTY.

- ( people murmuring ) - ARE YOU JOKING?!

- COME ON! - Computerized voice: DROP TO YOUR KNEES

AND PUT ON MY -- LIPSTICK.

Announcer: ABS-- EVERY GUY WANTS 'EM,

BUT THE MOTIVATION IS HARD.

AND YOU WANT TO HAVE SERIOUS DEFINITION

BUT ALSO HAVE IT BE ENJOYABLE.

SOUND IMPOSSIBLE?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU HIT PUBERTY,

YOUR HORMONES RAGED

AND ALL YOU WANTED TO DO WAS TRY AND SUCK YOUR OWN --?

BUT THEN YOU GOT OLDER, TRIED TO GET LAID

AND FORGOT ABOUT TRYING TO SUCK YOUR OWN --?

WELL, WE'VE DECIDED TO BRING THAT MOTIVATION BACK WITH...

ALL YOU NEED IS THIS RUBBER STRAP.

AND IT HELPS YOU TO RECOIL

AND THEN MAKE A THRUSTING MOTION TOWARDS YOUR --.

KEEP WORKING THOSE ABS, GARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AT THE FINISH LINE, BABY.

I SURE DO, MAN.

MY OWN --, MY OWN MOUTH

AND SOME SWEET ABS. ( laughs )

AS YOU CAN SEE, THE BLOWING MOTION USES MUSCLES

THAT WE NEVER THOUGHT TO EXIST.

I MEAN LOOK AT HOW RIPPED YOU GET.

AND THE FINAL GOAL IS YOUR BEST FRIEND--

AND THE FINAL GOAL IS YOUR BEST FRIEND-- YOUR OWN PENIS. WHAT CAN BE BETTER?

YOUR OWN PENIS. WHAT CAN BE BETTER?

I'VE BEEN ABLE TO SUCK MY OWN JUNK SINCE I WAS EIGHT.

- WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME? - A GOOD QUESTION, BROTHER.

CHECK OUT THE T-BAG STRAP.

THIS PUSHES YOUR BODY PAST THE --

AND STRAIGHT TO THOSE FARAWAY BALLS.

TRY SLAM DUNKING THOSE IN YOUR MOUTH

AND WE'RE TALKING AMAZING ABS.

- WORD? - WE EVEN HAVE ANOTHER LEVEL--

THE FART SNORTER. GET STRAIGHT TO THE HOLE...

( inhales deeply ) AND SMELL THOSE FARTS.

I'LL STICK WITH THE BALLS.

I HEAR YA. FART SNORTING IS ADVANCED.

( muffled ) I'M DOING IT!

- I'M SUCKING MY OWN --! - SCORE!

- ENJOY THOSE BEACH-READY ABS. - I WANNA SNORT FARTS!

YOU'RE GETTING TALKY, GARY! I'M THE FART SNORTER!

Announcer: "SUCK YOUR OWN -- ABS"

COMES WITH OPTIONAL T-BAG BELT AND FART-SNORTER CORD.

GET SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR BODY WHILE ALSO ENJOYING IT.

( rapid footsteps )

AH! OH!

DUDE, THERE'S ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE, MAN. I'M SO SCARED.

- I DON'T WANT TO BE A ZOMBIE. - AS LONG AS THEY DON'T BITE YOU,

- YOU WON'T TURN INTO A ZOMBIE, ALL RIGHT? - ( screams, curses )

( screams )

HERE, TAKE THIS.

COVER ME. I'M GONNA SEAL THAT DOOR.

- RIGHT. - ( growling )

- LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! - DON'T WORRY, MAN! SHOOT HER!

I CAN'T, MAN. THAT'S MY BUDDY'S WIFE.

WHAT? NO, THIS IS NOT YOUR BUDDY'S WIFE ANYMORE.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME? THIS IS NOT YOUR BUDDY'S WIFE!

OKAY, COOL, MAN. WELL, IF IT'S NOT MY BUDDY'S WIFE ANYMORE,

THEN I JUST WANNA HAVE SEX WITH HER. SORRY.

WHAT? NO, SHE CAN BITE YOU. YOU'LL TURN INTO A ZOMBIE, MAN.

RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. SORRY. OKAY, WELL, JUST HOLD HER DOWN

- AND I'LL HAVE SEX WITH HER FROM BEHIND. - NO, DUDE, THAT'S CRAZY!

- COME ON, MAN! - YOU WANTED ME TO SHOOT HER IN THE FACE!

- I WAS GONNA PUT HER OUT OF HER MISERY, NICK. - OKAY, MARK,

WHAT IF HAVING SEX WITH HER IS THE ONLY THING

THAT TURNS HER BACK INTO A HUMAN AND I SAVE THE WORLD?

- YOU'RE NOT A SCIENTIST. - NO, I'M NOT A SCIENTIST,

- BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'LL WORK, DUDE. - WELL, YOU DIDN'T THINK

THAT ALIENS WOULD REACT TO THE BACTERIA IN "WAR OF THE WORLDS" WITH TOM CRUISE.

- I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DO THIS, ALL RIGHT? - OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T, MAN,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GOOD-LOOKING AND YOU GET LAID ALL THE TIME.

SO YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT US PEOPLE.

I DO ALL RIGHT WITH THE LADIES. SO WHAT?

( sarcastically ) OH, DO YOU REALLY? YEAH, MAN!

WELL, I DON'T! I HAVEN'T HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN A LONG TIME.

THIS IS ONE OF THE ONLY GIRLS I LOVED.

IF SHE HADN'T MARRIED JERRY, I WOULD'VE PROPOSED TO HER.

WHOA. THAT'S DEEP, MAN.

- SORRY. - ( cries ) YEAH, MAN.

- SO CAN I HAVE SEX WITH HER OR WHAT? - NO, DUDE! JESUS.

- ( crunches ) - ( screaming )

( curses ) SHE BIT ME, MAN!

HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE BEFORE I'M A ZOMBIE?

CAN I STILL HAVE SEX WITH HER? DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME?

ACTUALLY, YES.

SHE CAN SUCK YOUR ZOMBIE --

WHILE I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE AS YOU'RE HAVING AN ORGASM.

YES! THAT'S HILARIOUS, DUDE.

OH MY-- I CAN FEEL MY -- CHANGING.

IT'S GOING INTO ZOMBIE -- MODE.

DOES MY PUBIC HAIR CHANGE TOO? DO YOU THINK?

I HOPE SO, DUDE. I WANNA SEE SOME ZOMBIE PUBES.

IN LAST WEEK'S CLASS WE LEARNED ABOUT A BABY THAT WAS FOUND IN A TOILET

IN A BATHROOM OUTSIDE OF A HOT TOPIC.

NOW THE TEENAGE MOM WAS ONE OF OUR STUDENTS-- DIJON.

THAT'S ME. THAT'S MY NAME.

SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT.

SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT THE BABY WAS A DOOKIE.

- ( snickering ) - Teacher: OKAY, NOW COME ON. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF.

NOW FOR HER SENIOR PROJECT,

DIJON HAS MADE AN EDUCATIONAL FILM

ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE WITH TEEN PREGNANCY.

- DIJON. - BACK AT YOU.

I MADE A VIDEO

TO HELP PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION

IF YOU DO HAVE A BIG MEAL,

YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM AND A BABY COMES OUT.

ANYWAY, THIS IS MY VIDEO

AND IF IT BLOWS UP AND IT'S FAMOUS,

I'M GONNA QUIT SCHOOL AND BUY A GUN.

( hip-hop music playing )

* DID A BABY OR A POOPY DROP OUT BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS? *

* DO IT LOOK LIKE A SNICKERS OR DO IT GOT DADDY'S EYES? *

* WHICH HO DROPPED A BOMB IN THE BOWL? *

* IF IT CAME FROM THE BOOTY-O IT'S A DOODY, YO *

* BABY NOT FROM BOOTY, BABY NOT FROM BOOTY... *

( vocalizing )

( continues singing )

* KEEP A LOOK OUT AFTER YOU MAKE A STINKY *

* WHY'S THAT BABY IN THE TOILET? WHY'S THAT POOPY GOT A PINKY? *

* IN CASE YOU'RE CONFUSED IF IT'S A PERSON OR A POO *

* REMEMBER THIS, DIARRHEA DON'T WAVE BACK AT YOU *

* BABY NOT FROM BOOTY, BABY NOT FROM BOOTY *

* NOW YOU GOT TO GO ON MAURY TO TEST THE D.N.A. *

* OF THE TOILET-WATER DAUGHTER THAT DROPPED OUT OF YOUR VAJAY *

* IF THERE'S CORN IN IT, NO ONE WAS BORN IN IT *

* TOO $HORT, GET YOUR SWEEP ON *

* IF THERE'S CORN IN IT, NO ONE WAS BORN IN IT *

* A DUMP COME OUT YOUR RUMP *

* A DUMP COME OUT YOUR RUMP... *

THESE ARE THE FANCY MUSTARDS, Y'ALL.

* A DUMP COME OUT YOUR RUMP *

* LET'S GET MUSTARDED UP IN HERE, WHAT? *

* BABY NOT FROM BOOTY, BABY NOT FROM BOOTY *

* BUT IF YOU LAID IT FROM YOUR BOOTY, THEN YOU ONLY MADE A DOODY *

* IT CAME FROM BEHIND LIKE RUDY, RUDY *

* RUDY, RUDY, RUDY, RUDY *

* IF THERE'S CORN IN IT, NO ONE WAS BORN IN IT *

* A DUMP COME OUT YOUR RUMP, Y'ALL *

* THERE'S A SMELLY IN YOUR BELLY *

* SMELLY IN YOUR BELLY, GET IT OUT, FIND A FELLY *

* A DUMP COME OUT YOUR RUMP. *

- ( music stops ) - Teacher: OKAY.

- THAT'S WAS VERY CREATIVE, DIJON. - Dijon: THANK YOU.

BACK AT YOU.

- ( alarm ringing ) - Dijon: CAN I GET THAT BACK?

- ( cheering ) - Nick: WHOO!

I KNOW. I DON'T DO AS MUCH CHARITY AS I WOULD LIKE.

I-- I DON'T DO ENOUGH.

BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE-- IT'S A LITTLE TOO ACTIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S ALWAYS MARATHONS,

RUNNING AND WALKS.

IT'S LIKE "LET'S RELAX.

CAN'T WE TAKE A NAP FOR AIDS?"

TAKE AN AIDS NAP. I WOULD DO THAT EVERY DAY.

I WOULD RAISE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS

GETTING MY AIDS NAPS SPONSORED.

CAN'T WE DO JAGER BOMBS FOR HAITI?

- ( people cheer ) - LET'S JUST MEET PEOPLE HALFWAY.

THERE'D BE SO MUCH MONEY.

BEER PONG FOR JAPAN.

EVERYBODY WOULD GO.

BILLIONS THEY'RE WASTING ON THESE MARATHONS.

I SAW AN AD FOR BURGER KING-- AND THIS IS TRUE.

THEY HAD CHICKEN TENDERS,

AND THERE WERE FOUR OF THEM FOR A DOLLAR.

FOUR PIECES OF CHICKEN FOR A -- DOLLAR?

THAT'S NOT CHICKEN. THAT'S 25¢ A PIECE FOR THOSE.

A GUMBALL IS 25¢.

THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT PRICE FOR CHICKEN.

DAMN IT!

I'M SO FAKE ANGRY AT THAT JOKE.

I-- I LIKE SLEEPING.

- I LOVE SLEEPING. YEAH. - ( people cheer )

THAT'S ANOTHER GREAT ONE.

I'M A BIG-- NOT AN EARLY PERSON--

NOT A FAN--

NOT A FAN OF PEOPLE WHO WAKE UP EARLY

LIKE THOSE COCKY FRIENDS.

I ALWAYS HAD THOSE FRIENDS, LIKE,

"YEAH, I WAS UP AT 7:00 ON A SATURDAY."

I'M LIKE "I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW 7:00 A.M. EXISTED.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY A NIGHTTIME ONE."

"YEAH, I WAS UP AT 7:00."

I ALWAYS SLEEP IN TILL NOON.

THEY ALWAYS GUILT TRIP ME.

THEY'RE LIKE "OH, YOU SLEPT TILL NOON?"

"OKAY." "WELL, WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING,

I'VE ALREADY BEEN TO THE STORE.

I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING."

I'M LIKE "WELL, I WAS SLEEPING, SO I WAS DREAMING.

SO I WAS DOING WHATEVER THE -- I WANTED.

SO YOU WERE AT THE STORE. I WAS AT THE SUPER BOWL

RIDING AROUND ON A UNICORN

WHILE AN AVATAR SUCKED MY --.

YEAH, DID YOU DO THAT AT THE STORE?

NO, I DON'T THINK YOU DID, OKAY, EARLY ASSHOLE?"

Announcer: ARE YOU TIRED OF FOLLOWING THE LAWS

OF YOUR CITY, STATE OR COUNTRY?

TRY INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

WE COLLECT WATER FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD,

HUNDREDS OF MILES OFFSHORE,

TO BRING INTERNATIONAL WATERS TO YOU.

SIMPLY FILL UP YOUR BATHTUB

AND YOU CAN BREAK ANY LAW WITH IMPUNITY.

YOU'RE IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

ILLEGAL GAMBLING, DRUGS,

PROSTITUTION,

OPERATING A FOOD CART WITHOUT A PERMIT,

REAL ESTATE FRAUD,

UNLICENSED PRIZE FIGHTING,

THREATENING A PUBLIC EMPLOYEE,

JURY NULLIFICATION,

- ILLEGAL HORSE RACING... - COME ON, #8.

DAMN IT!

Announcer: WE HAVE NOT CONSULTED A LAWYER,

BUT WE'RE PRETTY SURE THIS WOULD WORK.

ORDER NOW.

INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

- Boy: You suck! Get owned! - ( guns firing )

Yeah, bitch! Your mom's a hooker.

- Pussy. - DUDE, SHUT UP.

Telling me to shut up, homie? How about I kill you?

Me and my boys are gonna gang-bang you so hard you're gonna die.

Announcer: HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN HIGH, WANTED TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES

AND SOME KID STARTS TRASH TALKING AND RUINS YOUR BUZZ?

- EVERY NIGHT. - Announcer: WELL, THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE!

- Boy: Every night you suck a --. - Announcer: NEW FROM XBOX,

THE SMACK TRANSPORTER.

THE SMACK TRANSPORTER MONITORS LEVELS OF -- TALKING.

JUST PLUG IN THE BOX TO YOUR XBOX AND TURN THE METER ON,

THEN START GAMING AND WAIT FOR SOME LITTLE PIECE OF --.

Boy: What's up, ho? You wanna get worked?

That's right, you ain't talking

'cause you got 40 -- in your mouth, slut.

I'ma shoot you for real. Bloods 4 lyfe!

Announcer: WHEN THE METER HITS THE BOILING POINT,

THE BOX WILL SEND YOU TO THAT -- TALKER'S HOME.

You're not gonna win, --tard.

I'LL CUT OFF YOUR DAD'S HEAD AND MAKE YOUR DAD'S HEAD SUCK MY --.

- JUST WHAT I THOUGHT. - OH --.

WHAT'S UP, HOMEY? YO, YOU GOT A DOPE HOOD RIGHT HERE.

WHERE ARE YOUR BLOODS?

ARE THEY IN YOUR VOLCANO FOR SCIENCE CLASS?

OR MAYBE THEY'RE UNDER YOUR STOP SIGN PILLOW.

IS THAT WHERE YOUR BLOODS ARE?

WHERE'S YOUR GAT? IS IT UNDER YOUR SOCCER BALL?

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU SAY THAT -- TO MY FACE?

SAY ANY OF THAT -- TO MY FACE.

SAY IT TO MY FACE. YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE HEADSET ON.

"HEY, MAN, I'M KING OF THE WORLD."

YOU'RE A -- LITTLE PIECE OF --. I'M HIGH AS --.

I'M SO HIGH RIGHT NOW AND I LOVE THIS!

- BOBBY, I HEARD VOICES. I BROUGHT LEMONADE. - HI, DAD, SUCK MY --!

IS YOUR MOM HERE? DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?

I'LL FIGHT AND -- BOTH OF THEM. YEAH, THAT CAN HAPPEN.

THERE YOU GO.

DADDY'S LEMONADE ALL OVER DADDY'S DUMB MONKEY.

Announcer: IT EXPIRES AFTER ONE MINUTE

- AND YOU ARE BACK HOME SAFE. - PEACE!

JUST ENOUGH TIME TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS

AND SHOW THAT STUPID KID A LESSON.

THE SMACK TRANSPORTER--

OWN IT AND REALLY START OWNING PWNING OWNING!

LOOK AT BEARDO'S HAIR.

BEARDO'S HAIR LOOKS LIKE A '70s VAGINA,

AND HIS FACE IS A '70s PENIS.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE SHOW.

YOU'RE AWESOME. THANK YOU.

( theme music playing )

Man: TERRIFIC.

OF -- CODY DIDN'T SHOW UP.

THAT OTHER BABY SHOWER, HE BROUGHT COCAINE.

- HE DID? - YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

- HE IS LIKE YOU. - YEAH.

- I HAD A BIGGER --. - ( laughs )