Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

- ( R&B music playing ) - * I'LL BE YOUR FANTASIES, GIRL... *

I HAVE AN IDEA FOR TONIGHT.

- WHOA. - LET'S DO ROLE PLAYING.

WOW, YEAH SURE, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND BE REALLY FORCEFUL.

I'LL RESIST AND YOU JUST DOMINATE ME.

UH, OKAY. YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

OKAY, COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

OH, YEAH. YOU GOT IT, BABY.

I WANT YOU NOW.

NO, PLEASE DON'T.

- DO AS I SAY. - I SAID NO, MOTHER--!

WAIT, WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?

OH, YOU'RE OKAY?

I WAS GETTING INTO IT. COME ON.

OKAY, YEAH YEAH. NO, THAT WAS GOOD.

JESUS, MERYL STREEP OVER HERE.

- OKAY. - ( clears throat )

- DON'T PUSH ME AWAY. - YOU BAD MAN.

HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

PLEASE GOD HELP!

DAMN IT, NICK, WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?

THAT'S JUST REALLY REAL.

IT JUST FEELS, LIKE, TOO REAL.

LIKE I-- THE NEIGHBORS ARE GONNA...

I DID THEATER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW THAT. I JUST GET INTO IT.

SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE BEING A PUSSY AND IT'S BUMMING ME OUT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S START AGAIN.

OKAY, I'M SORRY. COME ON, BABE.

- ( sighs ) - IT'S GOOD. NO, YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU'RE BEING GREAT, BABE, SO SEXY.

ALL RIGHT, QUIET, SKANK.

- NO PLEASE. HELP HELP. - SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

YOU PERVERT SON OF A BITCH!

THAT'S RIGHT, KISS ME. COME ON, BABY.

- AHH! - OW!

( groans )

WHAT IN THE --?

HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED!

- WHAT? - HELP!

THIS IS-- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

( crying ) HELP.

GIVE ME THE PHONE AND SHUT UP.

- GET ON THE BED. - AHH!

NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, YOU FILTHY HOOKER.

- COME ON. - ( car doors open, close )

- YOU'LL DO AS I SAY. - ( footsteps running )

- YEAH. - HEY HEY! FREEZE, MOTHER--!

- THANK YOU, OFFICERS. - WHAT? YOU REALLY CALLED THE COPS?

- THIS BIG BAD MAN WAS TRYING TO GET ME. - Nick: WHAT?

JULIA, THIS ISN'T A JOKE. NO. NO, DON'T DO THAT.

NO, IT'S NOT SEXY ANYMORE, BABE.

HEY, SHUT YOUR MOUTH. LET'S GO.

JULIA, TELL THEM WE'RE ROLE PLAYING.

WHAT? ARE YOU STILL INTO THIS?

JULIA! JULIA!

- Man: Tasty Pizza. - HI, CAN I ORDER A PIZZA?

Yes. One pizza for you?

YEAH, AND CAN YOU HAVE THE DELIVERY MAN ATTACK ME?

- Yes, no problem. Thank you. Bye. - OKAY.

( rock music playing )

* THIS IS AN EMERGENCY...

HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

THANKS FOR TUNING INTO "PRETEND TIME," MY SHOW.

THIS WAS A SWEAT-- SWEATER THAT WARDROBE HAD FOUND

AND I NEVER WAS ABLE TO GET IT ON THE SHOW.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR SOME CHARACTER,

BUT I WAS NEVER ABLE TO DO IT.

SO I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SWEATER EXISTS--

THE CAT CHRISTMAS SWEATER.

I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW WHO OWNS THIS IN THE WORLD.

BUT WHOEVER DOES, I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN IN YOUR INSANE ASYLUM,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE.

ANYWAY, ENJOY THE SHOW. THANKS.

- ( rock music playing ) - * COME ON!

- DINNER'S ALMOST READY. - OH GOOD.

- ( doorbell rings ) - I'LL GET THAT.

- HI. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

MY NAME'S RICK JONES.

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT I USED TO LIVE

IN THIS HOUSE 20 YEARS AGO.

AND I'M ONLY IN TOWN FOR ONE DAY.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD JUST HAVE A LOOK AROUND.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE JUST GETTING READY TO HAVE DINNER.

WHO IS IT?

IT'S A GUY WHO SAYS HE USED TO LIVE HERE.

YEAH, IF IT'S NO BOTHER, CAN I JUST TAKE A LOOK

AT THE OLD PLACE REAL QUICK?

- PLEASE COME IN. - OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THIS REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME.

OH WOW.

YOU GUYS KEPT IT UP PERFECTLY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, THERE'S THE OLD KITCHEN.

A LOT OF MEALS IN THERE, YOU KNOW?

AND, WOW... THE LIVING ROOM.

SO MANY MEMORIES.

( sighs )

- WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? - OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

- GREAT. CAN I USE IT? THANKS. - YEAH.

( zipper unzips )

- OH YEAH! - ( farting )

- YEP! - ( plopping )

OH!

- ( coughing, gagging ) - ( squirting )

- UGH! - ( toilet flushes )

OH.

I GUESS YOU WANT TO SEE THE REST OF THE HOUSE?

NO, THAT WAS JUST A COURTESY FLUSH.

I NEED SOME READING MATERIAL.

( sighs )

NO NO, YEP.

- PERFECT. - HEY, THAT'S OUR WEDDING ALBUM.

- YEAH, THANKS. - NO, OH GOD.

- ( zipper unzips ) - WHO IS THIS GUY?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LET HIM IN.

YOU ACTED LIKE YOU KNEW HIM.

- ( farting, plopping ) - OH!

ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE, SIR?

SURE, I JUST-- I LOVE CHILI DOGS,

BUT THEY DON'T LOVE ME, YOU KNOW?

Announcer: We now return to "Close Encounters in Roswell."

Man: I was drivin' in my truck late at night

through Roswell, New Mexico,

when I was abducted by the aliens.

They led me into their spaceship

and they tied me to a table.

And then they started probing my orifices,

focusing mainly on my rectum.

At first I was flattered--

...mainly on my rectum.

...mainly on my rectum.

...mainly on my rectum.

( jet engines roaring )

Woman over P.A.: Now boarding all rows for flight 815 to Phoenix.

Woman #2: THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT.

HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKING FOR A ONE-WAY TICKET

TO ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO. NON-STOP, PLEASE.

- I NEED TO ARRIVE THERE BY NIGHTFALL. - OKAY.

- ( keyboard clicking ) - LET'S SEE HERE.

- I CAN GET YOU THROUGH TO ALBUQUERQUE. - SPICY.

ALSO I'LL NEED A MAP TO THE PROBING AREAS.

I'M SORRY. PROBLEM AREAS?

UH NO. PROBING, MA'AM.

YOU KNOW, LIKE DOWNSTAIRS ENTRANCE?

I HEARD THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING THERE A LOT.

I JUST WANNA, YOU KNOW, GET MINE.

- HOLLER. - WELL, WE DON'T HAVE THEM KIND OF MAPS.

AND YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I THINK ALL THIS ALIEN TALK IS FALSE

AND PERPETUATED BY HILLBILLY CRACKPOTS.

REALLY? HOW ARROGANT OF YOU

TO THINK THAT WE ARE THE ONLY FORMS

OF INTELLIGENT LIFE.

I HAVE HOPE IN MY HEART THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS UNIVERSE

AND THAT THESE BRILLIANT FORMS OF LIFE ARE TRYING TO CONTACT US,

HELP US AND PROBE US FOR INFORMATION.

YOU KNOW, THERE IS A GAY BAR THAT DOES EXIST

AND IT'S CALLED THE SALTY SOMBRERO.

AND IT'S RIGHT ON THE BORDER OF MEXICO.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND SOME ILLEGAL ALIENS THERE.

OKAY, SCREW SPACE. GET ME A CAB.

I WANNA DIP MY MICROCHIP IN SOME FORBIDDEN SALSA.

I'VE BEEN TO MEXICO BEFORE

AND LET ME JUST SAY DON'T DRINK THE OIL.

FOR THE ENEMIES OF SQUIDS AND SHARKS FOUNDATION.

LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE ALL AFRAID OF THEM.

LOOK, IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING,

THE POLAR ICE CAPS WILL MELT,

LEAVING US IN AN UNDERWATER PLANET.

NOW CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT OUR HISTORY WOULD HAVE BEEN

IF WE'D INHERITED AN UNDERWATER PLANET?

APRIL 14th, 1912--

THE TITANIC, THE WORLD'S LARGEST SUBMARINE,

SETS OUT ON ITS MAIDEN VOYAGE ALONG THE OCEAN FLOOR.

THE UNDERWATER VESSEL CRASHES INTO A SUNKEN PIRATE SHIP.

EVERYONE GOES EXPLORING FOR TRINKETS AND DOUBLOONS.

- AND SUDDENLY THEY'RE ATTACKED BY SHARKS AND SQUIDS! - ( screams )

OF COURSE! COME ON, PAY ATTENTION!

AW, NO ONE SURVIVED...

EXCEPT FOR ONE OLD LADY WHO THREW A DIAMOND OVERBOARD AND...

IT'S "TITANIC 2." IT'S A SCREENPLAY I--

IF YOU WANT IT, IT'S JUST SITTING THERE.

- ( farting, plopping ) - I HATE TO RUSH YOU,

BUT WE'RE GETTING READY TO HAVE DINNER.

Nick: I'M NOT HUNGRY. THANKS THOUGH.

YOU GUYS GO UPSTAIRS AND WE'LL ALL JOIN YOU LATER.

- WE DON'T HAVE AN UPSTAIRS. - ( farting, plopping continues )

YEAH, I KNOW. WE JUST--

WE THOUGHT ABOUT BUILDING IT WHEN I LIVED HERE.

I DON'T THINK HE'S EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.

- YEAH, I HAVE. I HEARD THAT. - ( squishing, plopping )

OKAY, WHAT'S THE ADDRESS?

- IS IT LIKE BLAH BLAH BLAH MAIN STREET? - NO.

IS IT SUCK MY -- BOULEVARD?

OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

- CAN I HELP YOU? - YEAH, I USED TO LIVE HERE.

OH, REALLY?

OOH, VICTORIA'S SECRET. THIS'LL WORK.

OH, MY OLD CLOSET.

- WAIT. - AHH...

( zipper unzips )

- IS HE MASTURBATING? - ( farting, plopping )

- ( Nick straining ) I'M ALMOST DONE. - I'M NOT.

( both moaning )

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF?

- OUR HONEYMOON. - MM-HMM.

Man: IS THIS SOMETHING THAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?

YES. EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID,

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A FOREST RANGER.

THAT WAS MY DREAM.

I GOT MY UNDERGRADUATE IN FORESTRY

AT SOUTHERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY.

I GOT MY MASTER'S

IN TREE SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY AT OREGON STATE.

AND I COMPLETED MY DOCTORAL THESIS

ON THE PRESERVATION OF OUR ANIMALS AND PLANT LIFE

IN OUR NATIONAL PARKS.

BUT NOW I SPEND THE BULK OF MY TIME

DRIVING AROUND OUR PARKS,

TRYING TO STOP GAY DUDES FROM -- EACH OTHER.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

AHEM, UH, WE'RE WITH THE AUDUBON SOCIETY.

- WE'RE BIRDWATCHING. - REALLY?

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THE BINOCULARS ARE POINTING AT HIS -- ON YOUR PENIS.

WELL YEAH, A BIRD, IT LANDED ON MY PENIS AND I WAS WATCHING IT.

OKAY, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?

MOVE IT ALONG. YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

DON'T STEP ON THE JUNEBERRY. IT'S ENDANGERED.

COME ON, MAN.

NOT GONNA BE BRINGING MY KIDS TO THE OFFICE,

THAT'S FOR SURE.

MY DAILY ROUTINE?

UM, WELL, IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.

I COME TO WORK AND I DO MY FIRST LAP AROUND 6:15 A.M.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT 10 MINUTES IN

I'LL SEE SOME RUSTLING IN ONE OF OUR BUSHES.

WOW, THIS IS REALLY COOL.

WE'VE STUMBLED UPON SOME CARIBOU.

WHAT IN...?

DAMN IT!

IT'S NOT. IT'S A GUY NAMED MARK

WHO CAME DOWN FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

AND HE ROPED IN SOME TWINK AND THEY'RE GOING AT IT.

GET OUTTA HERE, GUYS! GET!

AND NOW IT'S MY JOB TO BREAK THEM UP,

LIKE SOME KIND OF GAY ORGY REFEREE.

UGH. ( sniffs )

RASPBERRY LUBE ALL OVER THE ELAEAGNUS COMMUTATA.

- YOU WANT A DART? - ( pops )

A LITTLE GIFT. THIS IS MY FETISH, GUYS.

ONE TIME I ACTUALLY GOT THE IDEA OF PUTTING

A REALLY HANDSOME MANNEQUIN NEXT TO AN OAK TREE

AND SPRAYED HIM WITH COLOGNE

AND PUT SOME REALLY NICE SHOES ON HIM.

THIS IS BRYAN PHILLIPPE I CALL HIM, RYAN'S BROTHER.

I USE HIM FOR GAY CRUISERS.

WHEN TEDDY ROOSEVELT CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF NATIONAL PARKS,

I DON'T THINK THIS IS WHAT HE HAD IN MIND.

I'M 100% ON THAT.

IT SHOULD TAKE ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO.

OH WOW, THIS ONLY TOOK FIVE MINUTES.

WHAT WE'RE LOBBYING TO DO IS OPEN UP A GAY SEX PARK,

ALMOST LIKE A DISNEYLAND

WHERE'S THERE'S TONS OF BUSHES,

THERE'S LUBE DISPENSERS TO KIND OF SIMULATE

ALMOST LIKE A BIODOME FOR THAT EXPERIENCE.

ALL RIGHT, MAN. HEY WHOA!

WHOA RELAX. RELAX YEAH.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST GAY PEOPLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT IT'S JUST LIKE WHY ARE YOU DOING IT

IN OUR HIBISCUS?

WHY ARE YOU DOING IT IN OUR PLANT LIFE

THAT IS VERY SACRED TO US?

YOU KNOW, I FIND RABBITS CHEWING ON BUTT PLUGS.

THAT'S MY JOB THOUGH.

( sighs )

YOU KNOW, WHEN I DREAMED OF BEING A FOREST RANGER AS A KID,

I-- I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS.

I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD BE WORKING

AT THE WORLD'S BIGGEST GAY BAR WITH LEAVES.

( rock music playing )

HEY, EVERYBODY.

THANKS FOR TUNING IN AGAIN. IT'S ME, NICK.

WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING THE SHOW, I TRIED TO FIND

AS MANY FUNNY NEW PEOPLE AS I COULD.

LOOKED ON THE INTERNET AND STUFF JUST TO GIVE PEOPLE A SHOT,

SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE

AND LOOK THEM UP ONLINE AND THEIR SKETCH GROUPS AND STUFF.

AND ALSO KNOW THAT THEY'RE ALL BLIND AND DEAF--

EVERYONE ON THE SHOW BESIDES ME.

AND HERE IT'S RISING FROM THE GROUND, EVERYONE--

100 YEARS OLD.

( big band music playing )

FOLKS, AS YOU ALL KNOW,

THIS IS THE OLDEST TIME CAPSULE IN THE COUNTRY,

BURIED HERE IN 1909 BY OUR GREAT-GRANDFATHERS

WHO FOUNDED OUR BELOVED TOWN.

NOT ONLY IS THIS AN INSIGHT

INTO THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY,

BUT ALSO INTO THE VERY FABRIC OF WHO WE ARE AS A PEOPLE.

( grunts )

LOOK!

A JART WAS IN HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

BUT IT MUST HAVE DISAPPEARED OR WITHERED AWAY.

- ( sniffs ) - OH! DEAR LORD.

THAT SMELLS AWFUL.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY.

OH OH OH. THIS IS COOL.

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN USED IN THE, UH--

IN THE COAL MINES.

THEY WOULD SOMEHOW HAVE IT STAY ON THEIR HEAD

AND THEN WITH THEIR FOREHEADS CHIP AWAY AT THE ROCK.

( chuckling )

AH... SOME LITERATURE.

"ME AND MRS. GANDY PREPARED FOR THE CAPSULE."

HEY, THAT'S MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.

( man laughs )

YES.

"AS WE LOOKED AT THE CHEST BEFORE US,

I GAZED AT HER CHEST BEFORE ME.

AND AS WE LAID THE CHEST INTO THE SOIL,

I WILL SOON MAKE MY SOIL ON HER CHEST."

AH, HE SPREAD THE SOIL OF OUR LAND ON HIS LADY,

MAKING EARTH AND WOMEN ONE.

I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY.

YES, WELL...

"MY LADY AND I THEN HAND IN HAND

SPREAD THE DOWNSTAIRS MIST FROM THE DEVIL'S CAVE

INTO THE GLASS RECEPTACLE,

THE EVIL WIND LEAVING OUR TIGHT BALLOON KNOTS

AND INTO THE FUTURE."

( sniffles )

SUCH PROFOUND WORDS FROM OUR YOUNG LOVERS.

YOU MUST BE SO PROUD OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT, ALL RIGHT?

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME GUY TOOK A CRAP ON HER TITS

AND THEN FARTED INTO A JAR AND YOU SMELLED IT.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE A PIG.

YEAH, MAN, ALL THIS STUFF IS DISGUSTING.

YOU JUST PUT A STRAP-ON DILDO AGAINST YOUR FOREHEAD. IT'S MESSED UP.

YOU HAVE NO PROOF OF THESE PERVERTED ACCUSATIONS.

SO WHEN THEY'RE CHIPPING AWAY AT THE COAL,

WHAT DOES THE, UH-- THE FAKE PUBES

AND THE FAKE BALLS DO IN THAT SITUATION?

HOW DARE YOU SHAME YOUR FAMILIES?

THIS IS THE WAY THEY LIVED.

SOMETHING MAY LOOK PHALLIC,

BUT IT'S YOUR MIND MAKING IT THAT WAY.

LOOK AT THIS--

A CHILD'S PIGGY BANK

WITH SLOTS FOR DIFFERENT SIZED COINS, HUH?

LET'S SEE.

WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

A YO-YO-LIKE TOY.

SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE CHILDREN.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS MAY VERY WELL BE

THE FIRST STOP SIGN EVER MADE.

AND WHAT IS PERVERTED ABOUT THIS, HUH?

NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT WE BUILT.

THIS IS WHERE OUR MINDS WERE.

AND THERE'S A PLAQUE ON THE BACK.

"THIS SIGN WAS PAINTED IN...

BLOOD FROM MY ANUS.

PLEASE STOP -- ME.

THIS TOWN IS A PERVERTED -- SUCK CULT.

THE FUTURE IS BLEAK."

COME ON, COME ON.

AND I MUST SAY IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

YOU RAN AN ARCHITECTURAL FIRM.

YOU MADE NORTH OF SIX FIGURES.

FULL MEDICAL, FULL DENTAL.

I JUST-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO WORK

FOR MINIMUM WAGE HERE AT THE CUPCAKE FACTORY.

WELL, A CHANGE OF CAREER CAN BE GOOD.

- YOU KNOW, FOLLOW YOUR BLISS. - RIGHT.

BUT YOU DO REALIZE YOU'LL BE MAKING $7.50 AN HOUR

AND WORKING THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT?

DOES THE MAN THAT COUNTS THE CUPCAKES WORK AT NIGHT?

NO, WE HAVE A MACHINE THAT DOES THAT.

NO.

IS-- IS THERE A MAN WHOSE MAIN RESPONSIBILITIES

ARE DEALING WITH THE SURPLUS

WHEN YOU MAKE TOO MANY CUPCAKES?

THAT JOB DOES NOT EXIST.

TOO BAD. UH...

IS THERE A TASTING POSITION

TO ENSURE QUALITY CONTROL?

UH, YES, BUT AGAIN THAT IS DONE BY COMPUTERS AND MACHINES.

DAMN COMPUTERS.

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GOOD WITH MY HANDS.

I COULD-- I COULD FIX THE BROKEN CUPCAKES

USING THE FROSTING AS A GLUE TO PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER

- AND FIT THEM BACK IN THE CUPS. - YEAH...

THE GLUE FROSTING GUY DOESN'T EXIST.

UM, I'M SORRY, MAN.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING HERE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

- THERE IS A POSITION YOU MIGHT LIKE. - OH?

SOMETIMES A MACHINE WILL GET STUCK

- AND IT'LL GET BURIED UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF CUPCAKES. - OH.

PROBABLY ABOUT 25' OR SO--

- SOLID CUPCAKE. - YES.

- SO WE NEED TO HIRE A MAN... - YES.

...WHO'D BE WILLING TO EAT THROUGH

ALL THE DELICIOUS LAYERS OF CUPCAKE.

YES YES YES!

COULD YOU WHISPER THAT LAST THING YOU JUST SAID TO ME?

YES, OF COURSE.

( whispering ) WE'D LIKE TO HIRE A MAN WHO WOULD BE WILLING

TO EAT THROUGH ALL THE DELICIOUS CUPCAKES...

YES.

...CHEW THROUGH THE FROSTING...

- SO MUCH FROSTING. - ...SPRINKLES...

( gasps )

DON'T HIRE THE FAT GUY! HE'S TRYING TO TRICK YOU.

IT'S OKAY, SWEETHEART. IT WAS JUST A DREAM.

HE JUST WANTED TO EAT CUPCAKES

AND THEN HE STARTED MASTURBATING WITHOUT HIS HANDS.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME.

IT WAS SO REAL.

( "Jarabe Tapatío" playing )

( speaking Spanish )

VáMONOS. SIT ON MY FACE.

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E. *

Man's voice: TERRIFIC.

- OH YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, BE CAREFUL OVER THERE.

THIS IS KIND OF A BIG AREA FOR GAY CRUISING AND STUFF.

- OH, THAT'S HORRIBLE. THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP. - YEAH, ANYTIME, MAN.

YOU OKAY, MA'AM?

YEAH, JUST SUPER TURNED ON NOW.

- WILL YOU ATTACK ME? - HEY, WHOA.

THAT'S AGAINST PROTOCOL, ALL RIGHT?

I'M A GUY GUY. THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO THINGS.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SHOWER UP?

I LIKE THOSE HEELS.