Original subtitles

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

HEY, NICK.

HOW WAS YOUR, UH, DATE THIS WEEKEND WITH THE NEW CHICK?

- HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN S.T.D.? - YEAH, SURE.

YOU MEAN LIKE CRABS OR A COLD SORE OR SOMETHING?

YEAH YEAH, I KNOW. BUT LIKE SOMETHING--

SOMETHING DIFFERENT, DUDE. LIKE SOMETHING WEIRD.

( laughs ) LIKE WHAT?

- IS YOUR DICK BLUE OR SOMETHING? - YES.

- WHAT? - BLUE.

AND THERE'S, LIKE, GLOWING STUFF ON IT

- AND, LIKE, PINK HAIRS. - WAIT A MINUTE.

- GLOWING CAN'T BE GOOD. - I KNOW, GARY. LOOK.

- NO, I DON'T WANT-- - JUST...

OH MY GOD.

- IT'S BEAUTIFUL. - WHAT?

YOUR PENIS, THE RASH AND THE--

ITS HAIRS ARE WAVING AT ME AND STUFF.

- OH! - GARY, FOCUS, MAN.

COME ON, THIS IS AWFUL, DUDE.

LOOK AT THE THING ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS THAT LOOKS LIKE AN UMBRELLA.

- YEAH. - WATCH WHEN I TOUCH IT.

IT JUST SUCKS RIGHT BACK IN. WATCH.

( squishes )

WAH!

I'M FREAKIN' OUT, GARY.

HEY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU BANG THE STRANGE, MAN.

DID YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT IT?

NO, I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HER YET. I JUST GOT TO WORK.

- SHH. - HEY, GUYS.

HEY, NICK.

HEY, PADMAWAI.

GO.

UH, PADMAWAI?

- HI. - HI.

- THAT WAS FUN LAST NIGHT. - YEAH.

WOW, I WAS REALLY BUZZED.

RED WINE TOTALLY GETS ME WASTED.

HEH, YEAH, I WAS PRETTY DRUNK.

HEY, UH, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

- FINE. WHY? - NO, I MEAN LIKE--

LIKE, DOWNSTAIRS. LIKE...

- DOWN THERE? - YEAH.

OH... OH, I'M SO SORRY.

IT'S BEEN HAPPENING EVER SINCE I 69'D

UNDER THE TREE OF SOULS BACK ON PANDORA.

HEY, PADMAWAI.

NICE, UH, BLUE AND THE SHADES OF TURQUOISE IN THERE--

- GARY, GARY, NOT NOW. - LOVELY...

HEY, DID YOU LOCK YOUR HAIR WITH THE PINK HAIR?

- NO. - OKAY, GOOD. DON'T...

UNLESS YOU WANT MY ANCESTORS TO WHISPER TO YOU.

WHAT? NO, I DON'T WANT WHISPERS OR SOULS ON MY DICK.

I WANT IT TO GO AWAY. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

WELL, GIVE IT A WEEK AND YOU'LL BE FINE.

YOU'LL KNOW WHEN IT'S ENDING--

WHEN YOUR PENIS STARTS SCREAMING.

I'M REALLY SORRY. GOD.

GREAT, I'M GONNA HAVE AN UMBRELLA

ON MY PENIS FOR A WEEK.

WELL, AT LEAST YOUR BALLS WILL STAY DRY.

LET ME GUESS-- PADMAWAI?

GREAT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A WHOLE OFFICEFUL OF PENIS SCREAMERS.

( rock music playing )

* THIS IS AN EMERGENCY...

HEY, EVERYBODY.

SO FOR THE END OF MY SHOW THEY MADE SWEATSHIRTS

TO COMMEMORATE THE FIRST SEASON

AND THIS IS THE IMAGE THEY USED OF ME

ON THE BACK, WHICH...

I MEAN, I AM THAT PALE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'M-- AM I THAT FAT?

THAT'S HORRIFYING.

IT'S LIKE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN'S HEAD.

WELL, THAT'S ME.

THANK YOU. ENJOY TONIGHT'S EPISODE.

I'M FAT.

( screeching )

I'M LARRY!

- ( screeching ) - ( men screaming )

- HE'S GOT YOUR NUTS. - HE'S EATIN' MY PUBES.

AND I'M SKEET.

Both: AND WE'RE CRITTER GITTERS.

Skeet: GO ON, GET!

- COME ON, MAN. - LET'S GO.

- HI. - WE'RE FROM CRITTER GITTERS.

- YOU CALLED US, RIGHT? - YES, I DID.

I HOPE YOU CAN HELP. A LARGE BEAR BROKE INTO MY BASEMENT.

THAT'S QUITE COMMON THIS TIME OF YEAR.

BEFORE BEARS HIBERNATE, THEY LOOK FOR EXTRA FOOD.

OKAY. WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL HIM, ARE YOU?

NO, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

WE'RE JUST GONNA BLOW THIS WHISTLE, SCARE IT OUT.

OKAY. THAT'S GONNA WORK?

OH YEAH, LOUD NOISES FREAK A BEAR OUT.

- TRUST US. - OKAY.

BEARS ARE MOST AGGRESSIVE DURING MATING SEASON.

OH, I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOU

THAT RIGHT BEFORE YOU GOT HERE,

THE BEAR BROKE INTO OUR MEDICINE CABINET

AND ATE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VIAGRA.

- HE DID WHAT? - ( bear snarling )

- WHAT'D SHE SAY? - OH, NOTHING.

Skeet: WHY ARE YOU GUYS SCARED?

- I THINK HE'S GONE. - ( roars )

- OH OH! - AHH!

- OW! - THE MATING PROCESS

OF THE BLACK BEAR STARTS WITH PLAYFUL WRESTLING.

- ( fabric tearing ) - Skeet: HE RIPPED MY UNDERWEAR!

AND THEN QUICKLY MOVES TO RUTTIN'.

( whistle trilling )

OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!

( growling )

OH... OH, PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE DIDN'T...

( squishing )

...PENETRATE.

I'VE GOT MY WHISTLE, SO I'M GONNA NEED THAT POT

AND I'M GONNA NEED THIS BUCKET.

OKAY? I'M GONNA GET HIM OUTTA HERE.

- Woman: OKAY. - Larry: TOTALLY FINE.

GO PLAY THAT BEAR A TUNE.

SCARE THAT BEAR. GIVE HIM A LITTLE SHAKE.

LOOK. SEE? HE'S GONE.

THAT BEAR WON'T BOTHER YOU NO MORE.

- EVERYTHING'S-- - ( roars )

- AHH! - OH OH!

- HE AIN'T GONE. - SEE?

THERE'S THAT PLAYFUL WRESTLING

- I WAS TALKING ABOUT. - OW!

HE WANTS HIS -- TO HIBERNATE IN MY BOOTY HOLE.

- NOW BACK TO RUTTIN'. - Skeet: HELP!

- OW OW! - THEY SAY THAT IN A BEAR ATTACK

YOU SHOULD PLAY DEAD.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THAT. - WHAT?

- PLAY DEAD. - PLAY DEAD?

THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING.

START FIGHTIN' AGAIN.

( grunting )

- HELP ME! - ( bear growling )

FIGHT THAT BEAR, SKEET.

DO YOU THINK THAT HE'S HURTING THE BEAR?

NO. THE BEAR WAS BORN FOR THIS.

Skeet: HIS BALLS ARE HITTING MY BALLS. I'M GONNA PUKE.

Larry: OH, YOU'RE FIGHTIN' GOOD.

- ( roars ) - ( grunting )

I THINK HE GOT SCARED AT LAST.

THAT'S TYPICAL OF THE MALE GRIZZLY.

AFTER MATING, IT WANTS NO FURTHER ASSOCIATION WITH ITS MATE.

OH, ARE YOU OKAY?

- THAT IS NO PROBLEMO. - NO PROBLEMO.

I DON'T THINK THAT BEAR'LL BE BACK,

AT LEAST NOT UNTIL NEXT WINTER.

OH, THANKS, LARRY.

OUR PLEASURE.

Larry: NEXT TIME ON "CRITTER GITTERS"...

JUST RELAX. IT WON'T HURT SO BAD.

MAN, THAT THING PUT THE "GAY" IN "GATOR."

INDEED IT DID.

( applause )

Bruce's voice: BRUCE.

IMAGINE BEING IN YOUR SAFE COMFORTABLE HOME,

RELAXING WITH YOUR SPOUSE

WHEN A BURGLAR ENTERS, INTENT ON A HOME INVASION.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR FIRST GUESTS.

PLEASE WELCOME JEREMY AND KELLY STEVENS.

WOW, QUITE A SCARY NIGHT, HUH?

UH, YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT.

IN THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

YEAH, IT WAS-- WELL, IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

WHAT WE DID WAS RECREATE THAT NIGHTMARE.

AND I WANT YOU TO WATCH OUR REENACTMENT

AND THEN TELL US WHAT WAS GOING

THROUGH YOUR MIND AT EACH MOMENT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, HERE I'M JUST--

I WAS JUST HANGING OUT AT HOME.

RIGHT.

Jeremy: UM, I'M SORRY. WHO IS THAT--

- IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ME? - THIS IS VERY COMMON.

NO, THIS IS JUST A REENACTMENT.

IT'S NOT 100% ACCURATE, SO LET'S CONTINUE WATCHING.

Jeremy: ALL RIGHT, WELL,

I WAS JUST SITTING AT HOME WATCHING T.V. WITH MY WIFE...

- ( audience whooping ) - Jeremy: WOW!

THAT LOOKS LIKE ME.

WELL, WE CAN CONTINUE. JUST CONTINUE.

UM, YEAH, SO WE'RE WATCHING "JIMMY KIMMEL" AND, UM...

( audience cheering, wolf whistling )

HEY, I WASN'T PLAYING WITH MY BREASTS.

- WHY-- WHY IS SHE DOING THAT? - Bruce: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CAN ALL BE SAFE HERE ABOUT HOW WE ACT AT HOME.

THIS IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED--

Kelly: I DIDN'T ACT LIKE THAT IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

MAYBE OUR REENACTORS ARE IMPROVISING A LITTLE.

JUST STICK TO THE STORY, THE ROBBERY.

WELL, THIS IS WHERE IT GETS... A LITTLE TOUGH.

AND THAT'S WHERE THE BURGLAR ENTERED.

UH, THE BURGLAR WAS WHITE, NOT AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

IT PLAYS BETTER IF HE'S BLACK.

NO, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THAT.

WHAT, THAT THERE ARE BLACK ROBBERS?

THAT'S A STRETCH, RIGHT?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CONTINUE GOING.

AND REMEMBER, THIS ISN'T ALWAYS AN EXACT SCIENCE.

Jeremy: THE ROBBER THEN PROCEEDED TO GET BEHIND THE COUCH.

HE SNUCK UP ON ME AND MY WIFE, AND THEN HE ATTACKED US.

- ( audience cheering ) - Jeremy: HEY, WHOA, MAN!

- OH... - HE DIDN'T MAKE OUT WITH MY WIFE.

...MY LORD.

THAT DID NOT-- THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.

REALLY? REALLY?

THIS-- THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN AT ALL?

NO, IT DID NOT! AND IT NEVER WILL.

HEY, WHAT THE --, MAN?!

I AM NOT GAY.

OKAY, WHOA. OKAY, THIS IS OUR FAULT.

I AM SO SORRY.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS IS FALSE?

- YOU'RE NOT GAY? - I'M NOT GAY,

I'M NOT FAT, SHE'S NOT HOT!

JUST WATCH FOR ONE MORE MOMENT, PLEASE, FOR ME.

IF A TIGER COMES IN AND STARTS LICKING MY BALLS, YOU'RE A -- DEAD MAN.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A TIGER. IT'S BASIC CABLE.

Jeremy: THIS NONSENSE GARBAGE. OH, LOOK AT THAT!

OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT.

- THAT IS JUST GREAT. COVER YOUR EYES. - THAT IS UPSETTING.

Jeremy: WE HAVE FAMILY WATCHING THIS PROGRAM.

I DID NOT COME HERE TO BE VIOLATED.

TELL YOUR MOM NOT TO TiVo THIS.

Jeremy: IF YOUR MOTHER SEES THIS--

OH, I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD CHECK OUT THIS.

I THINK WE KNOW THESE TWO PEOPLE, DON'T WE?

( audience laughs )

Bruce: IS THAT A DILDO CROWN?

THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE US.

Bruce: THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TONIGHT'S SHOW IS NOT ABOUT ARMED INVASIONS.

YOU JUST GOT BRUCED!

IT'S ABOUT PATHOLOGICAL, LYING, NYMPHOMANIAC COUPLES

ADDICTED TO INTERRACIAL ORGIES--

ON THE NEXT "DR. BRUCE."

OOH, YEAH, THAT'S HOW DADDY LIKES IT.

( dramatic music playing )

THERE YOU GO, LITTLE LADY.

YOU SAVED ME FROM THAT BURNING BUILDING, SUPERMAN.

HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?

ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.

OH, WELL, CAN I AT LEAST BAKE YOU SOME COOKIES?

( laughs ) NOT NECESSARY.

IT'S AN HONOR TO SERVE THIS GREAT CITY OF METROPOLIS.

SURELY THERE'S SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS.

I HAVE A FRIEND COMING INTO TOWN.

HE COULD USE A PLACE TO CRASH.

OH, ACTUALLY MY APARTMENT'S PRETTY SMALL.

OH, THAT'S FINE. HE DOESN'T MIND

AS LONG AS THERE'S A TUB FOR HIM TO SOAK IN.

OH, IS YOUR FRIEND AQUAMAN BY ANY CHANCE?

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S MY FRIEND REGGIE.

HE JUST GOT OUT OF REHAB FOR HEROIN.

YOU'LL ALSO NEED TO REGGIE-PROOF YOUR APARTMENT--

YOU KNOW, HIDING PHARMACEUTICALS, ELECTRONICS, JEWELRY.

LOCK YOUR DOOR WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING

BECAUSE HE'LL PROBABLY ATTACK YOU.

YEAH, MY APARTMENT'S REALLY SMALL

AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GUESTS, SO...

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO TO PAY YOU BACK?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS.

I'VE GOTTA GET RID OF THESE STUPID RAFFLE TICKETS

FOR THIS FUNDRAISER AT THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA DINNER.

YOU CAN JUST SELL THE TICKETS

AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT EVEN FOR ME SAVING YOUR LIFE AND ALL.

I REALLY WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

WELL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? I MADE A LIST RIGHT HERE.

- OH, GREAT. - YOU ONLY HAVE TO SELL ABOUT 50 TICKETS.

ALL THE INFORMATION IS RIGHT HERE.

BUT LOOK, THERE'S A SCRIPT ON THE BACK.

GIVE 'EM A RING, READ THIS, YOU'RE GOLD.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE A BUSY WEEK, SO I'M--

YOU KNOW WHAT? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING OUT.

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT MAKE IT AN HONOR

TO SERVE THIS GREAT CITY OF OURS.

SO I DON'T WANNA KEEP YOU WAITING.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF PHONE CALLS TO MAKE.

YOU REALLY ARE A GEM. BLESS YOUR HEART.

SO THAT'S HOW YOU WIN THE AWARD EVERY YEAR

FOR MOST TICKETS SOLD.

YES, AND THIS YEAR I'M GONNA WIN THE GRAND PRIZE, BATMAN.

DAMN IT.

I REALLY WANTED THAT DIRT BIKE, MAN.

WE ALL WANT THE DIRT BIKE.

BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR, FRIEND.

YEAH, MAN. I MEAN, SHE WAS HOT.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

- JUST... - AH, THE SINGLE LIFE.

YEAH, I SAW "CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS" FOR LIKE THE 10th TIME.

NOT TOO MUCH OF A RAGER.

YOU SEE, I GAVE SALLY A CHANCE TO MEET MY BALLS.

( laughing )

HERE COMES GLEN.

- MORNING, GLEN. - GOOD MORNING, GUYS.

DOING A LITTLE MONDAY MORNING RECAP?

- YEAH. - YOU KNOW IT.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, MR. MICHAELS?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING. IT WAS NOT BAD, NOT BAD.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

FRIDAY STARTED REALLY FUN.

NICE. WHAT DID YOU DO?

I WENT TO THAT NEW ITALIAN SPOT DOWN BY THE WHARF.

- NICE. I HEARD THAT'S GOOD. - IT IS.

IT WAS-- I HAD THE MUSHROOM RAVIOLI

AND IT WAS LIKE EATING MAGIC.

- ANY OTHER HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE WEEKEND? - YEAH.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SATURDAY NIGHT

I WENT OUT TO MY FRONT LAWN

AND I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS

AND I STUFFED MY OWN WIENER INTO MY OWN BOTTOM

AND TINKLED INSIDE MYSELF.

YEAH.

ARE YOU OKAY, GLEN?

YEAH. NO.

YEAH. NO.

I'M FINE. YES YES.

SO ANYWAY, TRY THAT NEW ITALIAN SPOT.

IT'S A DELIGHT.

I'M GONNA TRY THAT THIS SATURDAY.

I GOT A WHOLE NEW RESPECT FOR GLEN.

* GO!

ANYBODY NEED A LIGHT?

CHECK OUT MY NEW ZIPPO APP.

DAMN, SON. THAT'S APPY GILMORE.

GAY ROBOT, THAT IS AWESOME.

HEY, I GOT A NEW APP.

- IT'S CALLED OFFENDER LOCATOR. - WHAT'S THAT?

EVERY DOT HERE REPRESENTS A CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER

AND THEIR CURRENT ADDRESS.

LOOK, THERE'S A CHILD MOLESTER LIVING RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

AT 550 MAIN STREET.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

( "Row Row Row Your Boat" playing )

HMM, 550 MAIN STREET.

( music echoes )

( alarm beeping )

I'M JUST SO TIRED FROM HOPSCOTCH.

- I NEED TO SHOWER. - OH, REALLY?

AND THE FLAVOR HAS GONE FROM THIS LOLLIPOP.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE FOR ME TO SUCK ON?

- ( alarm beeping ) - COME ON, COME ON.

YOU CAN'T TOUCH KIDS.

WHAT THE --?

( screaming )

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HUSBAND?

HE'S A CHILD MOLESTER.

NO, HE'S NOT.

THAT CREEP MOVED OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD TWO MONTHS AGO.

AWKWARD.

Announcer: "F-STOP," THE PROGRAM THAT EXPLORES

THE WORLD OF MODERN PHOTOJOURNALISM,

WITH YOUR HOST PHIL SHANE.

THANKS FOR JOINING US.

OUR GUEST TODAY IS STEVEN FALLS,

THE PHOTOGRAPHER THAT SNAPPED THE NOW ICONIC

AND PULITZER-PRIZE-WINNING PHOTOGRAPH

THAT DEFINED THE HURRICANE KATRINA TRAGEDY.

STEVEN, I'VE SEEN THIS PICTURE HUNDREDS OF TIMES

AND I'VE GOTTA TELL YOU, IT CHILLS ME.

HOW DID YOU CAPTURE THE IMAGE?

Steven: IT WAS NOT EASY.

I SHOT DOZENS OF ROLLS OF FILM THAT DAY

AND IT TOOK FOREVER BEFORE I FINALLY LANDED

THE PHOTOGRAPH THAT DEPICTED THE FEELINGS OF TRAGEDY

AND THE LOST INNOCENCE OF A CHILD.

WOW, I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER FORGET THE FACE

OF THAT CHARRED DOLL.

- Phil: BRILLIANT. - THANK YOU.

WE'D BE REMISS IF WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT

YOUR BODY OF WORK SINCE HURRICANE KATRINA.

UM, THIS IS A PICTURE I TOOK A WHILE BACK

OF THE FLOODS IN MOLINE, ILLINOIS.

THIS PHOTO RESEMBLES YOUR KATRINA WORK.

THAT'S FUNNY. A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT.

I DON'T REALLY SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.

BUT I GUESS THE SOUL OF TRAGEDY IS THE SAME

- NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO. - INDEED.

THIS IS A-- ONE OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES

OF THE WALL STREET COMMODITIES CRASH.

RIGHT. I COULDN'T HELP

BUT TO NOTICE THE DOLL IN THIS PHOTO ALSO.

WHERE?

UH, RIGHT HERE IN THE FOREGROUND.

HUH.

NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE.

I GUESS IT GOES TO SHOW YOU THAT THE SOUL OF TRAGEDY

- IS THE SAME-- - WHEREVER YOU GO, RIGHT.

AND THIS IS A PHOTOGRAPH WHEN I WAS COVERING

THE NEW YORK GIANTS' LAST SUPER BOWL TITLE.

RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS PHOTOGRAPH?

IT'S A PHOTO OF A MAN WINNING THE LOTTERY.

YES. AGAIN, THE SOUL OF TRAGEDY

IS THE SAME NO MATTER WHERE YOU--

OKAY, THIS GUY JUST WON $36 MILLION IN A PICK 6.

- TRAGEDY? - WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

DO ALL OF YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS HAVE DOLLS IN THEM?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

IF YOU NOTICE IN THIS PHOTO

THERE'S NO CHARRED DOLL.

NO, I GUESS NOT.

SO WHY IS THE LITTLE GIRL CRYING?

BECAUSE A BIG MEAN MAN STOLE HER DOLL AND CHARRED IT.

- YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. - WHY?

BECAUSE I FOUND SOMETHING THAT WORKS?

YEAH, I ADMIT IT, OKAY?

THEY'RE MY BREAD AND BUTTER, ALL RIGHT?

HERE IT IS. HERE'S THE BREAD AND THE BUTTER.

SAY HELLO TO CHARRY.

CHARRY, THANKS FOR THE LAMBORGHINI

AND THE DIAMOND HAT.

OH, THAT IS DISGUSTING. GIVE ME THAT.

TAKE IT. I DON'T CARE.

I HAVE THOUSANDS OF THEM BACK IN MY STUDIO.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE SOUL OF TRAGEDY?

THE SOUL OF TRAGEDY IS MY RAP ROCK BAND, DUDE.

THERE'S OUR ALBUM COVER.

WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME ON "F-STOP."

I'VE BEEN YOUR HOST PHIL SHANE.

- THANKS. - YOU AND YOUR SWEATER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE MY SHOES.

GUESS WHAT. CHARRY'S DRIVING ME HOME TONIGHT

'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE DRUNK.

Announcer: IN THESE HARD ECONOMIC TIMES,

IF YOU'RE A SENIOR CITIZEN ON A FIXED BUDGET,

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE YOU'RE EATING

A LOT OF CAT FOOD TO SURVIVE.

ELDERLY PEOPLE EATING CAT FOOD

TO SAVE MONEY IS A FACT OF LIFE,

BUT NOT EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A CAT, MRS. ROBERTSON.

Announcer: SAVE YOURSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT AND THE SHAME

WITH THE NEW 9 LIVES FOR SENIORS,

THE ONLY CAT FOOD PACKAGED TO LOOK LIKE HUMAN FOOD

AT THE SAME PRICE YOU'VE ALWAYS ENJOYED.

WOW, DUCK A L'ORANGE.

YES, OH YES.

MEOW.

OH NO, BUTTONS!

THIS IS MY SPLEEN AND FISH SKELETONS.

HERE'S YOURS.

Announcer: AND OUR NEW 9 LIVES FOR SENIORS

HAS ALL THE SAME INGREDIENTS AS CAT FOOD

THAT YOUR BODY HAS GROWN TO TOLERATE,

BUT AT A FRACTION OF THE COST OF PEOPLE FOOD.

HONEY, WHAT ON EARTH?

WE EAT LIKE CATS,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO EAT LIKE CATS.

Announcer: 9 LIVES FOR SENIORS--

NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW.

MEOW.

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E. *

Man's voice: TERRIFIC.

COUNSEL YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

THAT'S ON WEDNESDAYS. THIS IS THE THURSDAY SHOW.

THIS ISN'T SOME -- "RICKI LAKE" BULL--.

- LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE REENACTMENT. - I LEFT THE DOOR OPEN.

I DIDN'T -- THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG FOR COKE.

WAIT A SECOND. I DID SEE THAT VIDEO.

- IT WAS ON THE YouTube, RIGHT? - 11 MILLION HITS.

Jeremy: GREAT, LOOK AT THAT! EVERYONE'S GETTING INTO IT.

YOU-- YOU, SIR, ARE FILTH

AND YOU WILL GO TO A FIERY HELL WHERE THIS WHOLE -- SHOW WILL.

SO YOU'RE-- SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS IS FALSE? YOU'RE NOT GAY?