Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

( helicopter whirring )

TAKE THE SHOT!

- TAKE IT. - THERE'S NO SHOT.

IT'S TOO FAR. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO INSIDE THE BUILDING.

NEGATIVE. WE'RE NOT GONNA JEOPARDIZE THAT MANY LIVES.

WE'VE GOTTA TAKE IT FROM HERE. WE NEED THIS SHOT.

( rock music playing )

OH, THANK GOD. THE SNIPER'S HERE. MAKE ROOM!

FOURTH FLOOR, CORNER WINDOW.

YEAH, THE TERRORIST IS EXPOSING 8.6cm OF HIS SHOULDER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY METAL-EAZE SUPER SPEED BULLETS?

- THIS GUY'S AMAZING. - HE'S THE BEST.

- ( zipper zings ) - ( gun cocks )

WHAT THE HELL?

THE TERRORIST IS GONNA BE TERMINATED.

SCUMBAG. ( gasps )

SOUL LEAVING THE BODY. SOUL LEAVING THE BODY!

OH! SOUL LEAVING THE BODY!

- ( gunshot ) - AH!

- OH! GREAT SHOT! - Man: WHOO!

CAPTAIN, DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WHAT? A CLEAN BRAINSTEM SHOT FROM 200 METERS?

THAT'S HEROIC, SON.

- WE JUST TOOK DOWN ANOTHER SCUMBAG. - ( gags )

PACK IT UP, BOYS. WE'VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO.

GIVE HIM SOME SPACE. DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.

- MOVE! - DON'T LOOK ME IN MY EYE.

Man #2: YOU DID A GOOD THING.

GOD WIRED ME A LITTLE DIFFERENT, HUH?

YOU DID A GOOD THING.

( crying )

Announcer: NEXT TIME ON "MASTURBATING SNIPER"...

GUESS WHAT I JUST WATCHED. THE SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE

FROM THE BANK ROBBERY LAST WEEK.

YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL.

THE CHIEF WANTS TO PUT YOU BEHIND A DESK.

Sniper's voice: KILLING BAD GUYS IS

THE ONLY WAY I CAN... EJACULATE.

ARE YOU COMING TO BED?

NO.

( gunfire )

REALLY? AGAIN?

( rock music playing )

* THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

IN FOURTH GRADE ONE TIME, MY TEACHER CALLED MY PARENTS OVER

TO LOOK AT MY DESK, BECAUSE I HAD WROTE "POOP" ON IT.

SHE WAS LIKE "I THINK WE'RE TOO OLD

TO BE WRITING 'POOP' AND THINKING IT'S FUNNY."

AND I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.

( laughs ) AND THERE'S A LOT OF POOP JOKES IN MY SHOW.

I'VE LEARNED NOTHING. NOTHING.

TONIGHT'S TOP STORY IS ONE OF EXTREME SURVIVAL.

A MAN, JEREMY REEVES,

WAS LOST IN THE HILLS OF YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

WHERE HE SURVIVED ALONE FOR 48 HOURS.

48 BRUTAL HOURS. WITH US NOW IS MR. REEVES.

- THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. - YEAH, SURE.

- A PLEASURE TO BE HERE. - NOW I'VE BEEN READING THE ACCOUNTS

OF YOUR EXPERIENCE AND IT REALLY IS AMAZING

WHAT HAPPENED DURING THAT 48 HOURS.

YEAH, IT WAS NOT WHAT I PLANNED

TO HAPPEN THAT DAY-- OR DAYS, RATHER.

WELL, IT SAYS HERE THAT WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU WERE ALONE,

YOU PANICKED AND STARTED SWALLOWING ROCKS.

YEAH, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO STARVE TO DEATH, YOU KNOW?

- I GOT REAL SCARED. - NO BERRIES, LEAVES OR NUTS?

YEAH, THAT'S CORRECT.

RIGHT, BUT DID YOU MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO FIND HELP?

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T STARVE TO DEATH IMMEDIATELY.

OH, YEAH, FOR SURE. I MEAN, I SHOUTED

FOR ABOUT A GOOD TWO MINUTES.

RIGHT. OKAY.

WELL, HERE'S ACTUALLY WHERE IT STARTS GETTING CONFUSING.

YOU SAID THAT THE NIGHT STARTED COMING, SO YOU PANICKED,

AND USING YOUR CELL PHONE,

"SMASHED MY TEETH OUT OF MY OWN MOUTH

TO MAKE A WEAPON AGAINST NIGHT CREATURES."

I KNEW THAT THE NIGHT WAS GONNA CREEP IN

AND THAT WOULD BE FOLLOWED BY BATS,

WOLVES-- YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT IS THE OBVIOUS ONE.

- HE COULD'VE HAD A GUN. - OKAY, SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST

USE THE PHONE TO CALL SOMEONE?

DO YOU WANNA FIGHT BIGFOOT IF HE'S GOT A GUN

AND YOU HAVE A PHONE? I DON'T.

I WANNA HAVE A WEAPON MADE OUT OF HUMAN TEETH

AND JUST SCARE THE ( bleep ) OUT OF THAT ( bleep )

BIG BAD-ASS WOOD MONSTER.

PLUS I WAS OVER MY MINUTES. I'M ON A REALLY BAD CALLING PLAN.

OKAY, SO THAT WASN'T EVEN THE AWFUL PART.

IT TURNS OUT THAT WHEN IT GOT DARK

"I TOOK THE MATCHES AND LIT MY HAIR ON FIRE,

CREATING A HUMAN TORCH."

UH, CORRECT. I FIGURED IT WOULD DRAW THE ATTENTION

OF ANY SEARCH PARTY. I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD CHOICE

- AND IT WAS. - WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LIGHT A BRANCH

AND SAVE YOURSELF THAT HORRENDOUS PAIN?

WELL, IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT FIRE,

HAIR LIGHTS TWICE AS FAST. IT WAS THE RIGHT MOVE.

- BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK. - NO, IT DID NOT.

WOOD, I FOUND OUT, HAS WAY MORE LONGEVITY THAN HAIR.

MY HAIR WENT OUT RIGHT AWAY AND IT JUST SMELLED LIKE

A ( bleep ) GARGOYLE RAPED A ( bleep ) ZOMBIE'S BABY.

SO THEN MORNING CAME AND THAT'S--

- I ATE MY OWN EYEBALL. - OKAY.

WELL, JOINING US NOW IS FOREST RANGER JEFF SANCHEZ.

HE WAS THE FIRST UPON THE SCENE.

MR. SANCHEZ, WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION

WHEN YOU FOUND JEREMY?

WELL, I IMMEDIATELY VOMITED.

I THOUGHT HE HAD BEEN MAULED BY A WEREWOLF OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'D ONLY BEEN GONE FOR 36 HOURS TO BE EXACT,

SO I WASN'T REALLY EVEN SURE IF IT WAS HIM.

THE REAL CURVEBALL IS WHEN I FOUND HIM,

HE WAS GIVING HIMSELF ORAL SEX.

WHAT? IS THAT TRUE?

YES, THAT'S 100% ACCURATE.

AGAIN, I THOUGHT THESE WERE MY FINAL HOURS AND I FIGURED I HAD NO TEETH--

I WAS RELIEVED TO SEE MR. SANCHEZ, OBVIOUSLY.

AFTER HE SAW ME,

I IMMEDIATELY, OUT OF RESPECT TO HIM,

( bleep ) RIGHT AWAY SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT

AND THEN I ATE HIS VOMIT, WHICH WAS ALSO VERY NUTRITIOUS.

TO EVERYONE WATCHING, I REALLY WANT TO USE

MR. REEVES AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO DO

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WOODS.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO WHAT HE DID.

DO NOTHING HE DID.

I THOUGHT I DID WHAT ANYBODY WOULD DO IN THAT SITUATION.

NO, WE DEFINITELY WOULD'VE FOUND YOU.

YOU WERE 200 YARDS AWAY FROM THE GIFT SHOP.

200 YARDS IS FAR AS ( bleep )

OKAY, I'D JUST LIKE TO ASK MR. REEVES,

WHY EXACTLY DID YOU WANDER OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE?

UH, I WAS LOOKING FOR CHICKS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THERE WERE A LOT OF THREES AND FOURS IN MY GROUP,

SO I WANTED SOME POOTANG.

- HOLLER BACK. - OKAY, GREAT.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE, I GUESS.

GO GREEN BAY PACKERS!

THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

Man: WHENEVER MY FATHER AND I WOULD HANG OUT,

WE ALWAYS HAD TO STOP SO HE COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S WHEN A FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT FLOMAX.

FLOMAX HELPS TO TREAT MALE URINARY SYMPTOMS

DUE TO B.P.H. OR AN ENLARGED PROSTATE.

IT LASTS FOR 12 HOURS AND HELPS TO CONTROL

THE FREQUENCY OF TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM.

SADLY, FLOMAX DIDN'T WORK.

WE STILL HAD TO MAKE NUMEROUS PIT STOPS.

THEN I DISCOVERED MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE A URINARY PROBLEM.

IT TURNS OUT HE WAS GOING TO THE RESTROOM

FOR ANONYMOUS GAY SEX.

THAT'S WHEN A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME ABOUT CIALIS.

IT ALLOWS MY FATHER TO GO IN,

TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS,

AND GET OUT QUICKLY

SO WE CAN WATCH THE GAME.

- DID I MISS ANYTHING? - NO, NOT AT ALL.

- ( bat cracks ) - OH!

- HEY HEY HEY! - ( crowd cheering )

THANKS, DAD. AND THANKS, CIALIS.

Announcer: BE RESPONSIBLE. GET TESTED.

- ( birds squawking ) - ( dramatic music playing )

CAPTAIN, I BRING AMAZING NEWS.

- WHAT IS IT, GREGONE? - I HAVE FOUND THE MAP

THAT LEADS TO BLUEBEARD'S MAGIC TREASURE.

PFFT! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT MAP'S BEEN ELUSIVE TO ALL. YOU KNOW THAT.

UNTIL NOW. SEND UP OLD CRABS!

NOW WHAT DOES OLD CRABS THE DECKHAND

HAVE TO DO WITH THIS MAP?

WHEN OLD CRABS WAS IN HIS SYPHILIS DELIRIUM,

HE MUMBLED OF A TATTOO--

A TATTOO THAT LEADS TO RICHES.

AND WHERE IS THIS TATTOO?

- ( squawks ) TREASURE BALLS! - THAT'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY.

BLUEBEARD TATTOOED IT TO ME BALLS.

HE KNEW IT WAS THE ONE PLACE THE MEN WOULDN'T LOOK.

- CROTCH IS ROTTING! - WELL...

LET'S HAVE A LOOK THEN.

IS THE TREASURE MAP ON HIS BALLS?

YEAH.

WE'LL START LOOKING FOR IT RIGHT AWAY.

WE'LL HEAD WEST. I THINK THAT'S WHERE IT SAID TO START.

YEAH, BY THAT HAIRY MOLE WAS THE STARTING POINT, I THINK.

MY EYES STARTED TO WATER UP PRETTY BAD.

SHOULD WE LOOK AT THE MAP AGAIN?

OH! NO, LET'S JUST GO!

IS THIS RIGHT, SIR?

IF THAT ROCK IS HIS COLD SORE,

THEN I THINK WE GO TO THE RIGHT.

BUT I THOUGHT-- WAIT.

WHICH COLD SORE?

I THINK WE SHOULD CHECK THE MAP.

IT'S SO BLOODY HOT. ( groans )

- I'M SWEATING LIKE A PIG. - NO NEED TO CHECK THE MAP.

LET'S KEEP GOING. COME ON.

( rock music playing )

* HEY HEY HEY, THIS IS SWELL! *

SO THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT WE ALL DO OUR PART

TO STOP POLLUTION TODAY.

AND THAT'S WHAT AL GORE AND HIS CRUSADE WERE ALL ABOUT.

AND THEY'VE GIVEN BIRTH TO THE "GOING GREEN" MOVEMENT.

- GOING GREEN? - YES, GOING GREEN.

I WANNA GO GREEN.

WORD. GO GREEN, SON.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD, GUYS.

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT GOING GREEN,

YOU CAN VISIT YOUR LOCAL RECYCLING PLANT.

OH, WHERE THAT GREEN AT?

MAKING IT GREEN!

GREEN, SON. ALL DAY, ALL DAY.

EVERY DAY.

Y'ALL BE DOING GREEN UP IN HERE?

YES, GREEN IS VERY IMPORTANT.

- FO' SHO'. - IT'S ALL THERE IS, HOMEY.

WELL, WE'RE A RECYCLING PROCESSING PLANT,

SO WHAT WE DO IS TAKE THE BOTTLES AND PAPER PRODUCTS,

SEPARATE THEM AND THEN BREAK THEM DOWN FOR REUSE.

BREAK IT DOWN LIKE DOO DOO BROWN.

- ALL DAY EVERY DAY. - YUP, THE PLANT IS RUNNING EVERY DAY.

MY MAN SAID PLANT. YO.

YO, SON, WE'RE DOWN ON THAT.

UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YO, MAN, WE'RE THE INCREDIBLE HULK,

SLEEPING AT THE GREEN, BABY.

OH. WELL, I CAN SHOW YOU GUYS HOW IT WORKS IF YOU LIKE.

SHOW ME, DON'T ( bleep ) ME, HOMEY.

TREES ( bleep )!

SO THIS IS A GLASS PROCESSOR.

WHAT IT'S DOING IS SUPERHEATING THE GLASS INTO SHEETS,

THEN IT'S RESOLD AND TURNED INTO BOTTLES

- AND OTHER PRODUCTS. - LIKE MY LAST PIPE, RIGHT?

- UH, YEAH, SURE. - BLAZING THAT GLASS

ALL UP IN THAT ASS. OKAY.

YEAH, I GUESS.

WEED.

SO THIS IS WHERE WE DO ALL THE PAPER.

ROLL THAT ( bleep ) UP.

LIVE AND DIE FOR THE PAPER.

YEAH, SO THAT'S ABOUT IT, GUYS.

YO, BUT WHERE THE GREEN AT?

- I JUST SHOWED YOU. - NO, I DIDN'T SEE NO GREEN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TURNING ALL THIS STUFF INTO WEED.

THE RECYCLABLES? NO, IT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.

- WEED. - NO.

- CHRONIC. - NO. LOOK. I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK, OKAY?

- WEED. - CHRONIC, YO.

- WEED. - WHERE THAT WEED AT, DAWG?

- WEED. WEED. - WE NEED THE WEED.

- RIGHT? - WHAT?

WEED PANCAKES.

WORD. YO, I JUST HAD A DREAM

- WHERE "GREEN" DIDN'T MEAN "WEED." - YO, WHAT?

THAT'S A STRAIGHT UP NIGHTMARE FOR REAL, Y'ALL.

YO, COME WITH ME

AND I'LL SHOW Y'ALL HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG

INTO WEED. LET'S GO.

I'MA MAKE A WEED BURRITO.

Announcer: WE'RE ASKING BAR PATRONS

IF THEY'VE NOTICED ANYTHING DIFFERENT

ABOUT O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS DID,

BUT IT TASTES GREAT.

GOT A NICE KICK TO IT. THEY ADD MORE HOPS?

- WHAT'S THE SECRET? - Announcer: O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER...

Man: * DON'T BE DENIED A GOOD TIME! *

Announcer: AFTER 35 YEARS OF BREWING

THE WORLD'S FINEST NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER,

WE'VE DECIDED TO STOP LEAVING OUT THE GOOD PART.

* GOING BACK TO AN OLD FRIEND *

* REDISCOVER WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT BEER *

* WITH THE PLEASANT INTERVENTION OF BODY AND FLAVOR *

* NOBODY JUDGES YOU HERE

* TAKE THE 13th STEP WITH O'MALLEY'S *

- * AND BE ALLOWED SIMPLE REFRESHMENT * - ( all laughing )

Announcer: O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER,

NOW WITH ALCOHOL;

AARON O'MALLEY BREWING COMPANY, ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA.

Announcer: PREVIOUSLY ON "MASTURBATING SNIPER"...

PEOPLE HAVE FETISHES, YOU KNOW?

SOME GUYS LIKE GIRL ON GIRL,

OTHER GUYS THROW AN ANIMAL IN THE MIX.

- ( gunshot ) - OH! OH!

I'VE GOTTA GET OFF BY SEEING A BAD GUY'S HEAD EXPLODE,

BRAINS GO ALL OVER AND THE SOUL LEAVE THE BODY INTO A GHOST FORM.

- YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, CAPTAIN? - COME ON, SON.

IT'S EASY FOR A COP TO GET OFF.

DID YOU EVER RENT "FACES OF DEATH,"

SLAP SOME PEANUT BUTTER ON YOUR JOHNSON

- AND LET THE DOG IN? - THAT WAS THE FIRST THING I EVER DID.

- NO GO? - NOTHING.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE? HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT THIS?

- SHE WANTS TO HAVE A BABY, BUT I CAN'T... - CLIMAX INSIDE OF HER?

I JUST WANT THE AMERICAN DREAM, YOU KNOW?

THE KIDS PLAYING TAG IN THE YARD.

IT'S OKAY. WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS.

( crying ) IT'S NORMAL. I'M NORMAL.

* GONE AWAY

* THE DAYS COLLECT IN SEASHELLS BY THE SHORE *

* GONE AWAY, THE BLUE EYES *

- * OF A MAN WHO MADE US PROUD... * - ( gun cocks )

- YOU GOT THE SHOT? - YEAH. YEAH.

( both moaning )

( gunshot )

* I CAN'T FORGET ABOUT THE MOMENTS *

* THAT HAVE MADE US... ( vocalizes )

* TIME IS ONLY...

WE'RE GONNA START A FAMILY.

I KILLED THAT MAN FOR YOU

WHILE I WAS INSIDE YOU.

* SHE SELLS SEASHELLS

* DOWN BY THE SEASHORE

* SHE SELLS SEASHELLS

* DOWN BY THE SEASHORE

* SHE TELLS PEOPLE

* SHE'S WALKING OUT THE DOOR. *

HI, I'M BOB ODENKIRK

FOR ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH.

WE'RE HAVING LEGAL ISSUES WITH THE NAME--

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING,

THE POLAR ICE CAPS WILL MELT

LEAVING AN UNDERWATER PLANET FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT HISTORY WOULD'VE BEEN

IF WE HAD INHERITED AN UNDERWATER PLANET?

DECEMBER 1, 1955,

A YOUNG SEAMSTRESS NAMED ROSA PARKS IS ORDERED TO GIVE UP HER SEAT

ON AN UNDERWATER BUS.

BUT BEFORE SHE CAN REFUSE--

LOOK OUT, ROSIE! OH!

--SHE IS EATEN BY SHARKS!

YOU'VE GOTTA USE YOUR EYES, KID!

OH, AND A SQUID!

THE UNDERWATER BUS BOYCOTT NEVER HAPPENS.

( dramatic music playing )

THREE OF OUR MEN HAVE PERISHED OF THIRST.

- WE MUST CHECK THE MAP AGAIN. - WE MUST.

HAS ANYONE GOT A CLEAN PAIR OF TROUSERS?

I JUST SOILED MINE AGAIN.

- ( farts ) - OH!

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE'RE GOING.

WE'RE JUST GONNA GO RIGHT OVER THERE BY THAT ROCK AND WE'LL BE FINE.

- THAT'S WHERE THE TREASURE IS. - ( squawks )

BLOOD AND URINE. ( bleeps ) GROSS!

CAPTAIN, NEARLY ALL THE MEN ARE DEAD

AND WE ARE SOON TO HIT A BERG.

PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU--

I JUST FOUND MOSS ON MY GENITAL MOUND.

IS THAT BAD?

'TIS THAT OR DEATH!

FINE FINE FINE FINE! I'LL CHECK THE MAP AGAIN.

WHY THE BALLS? WHY?

DEAR GOD!

WE'VE BEEN READING THE MAP WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME.

THE TREASURE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.

- ( groans ) - THE ARCTIC AIR CAUSED

HIS BALLS TO-- TO SHRIVEL UP,

ALLOWING US TO PROPERLY READ THE MAP.

THE TREASURE'S NOT ON LAND OR SEA.

IT'S IN HIS ANUS!

FEEL NEXT TO THE BELLY BUTTON. YOU CAN MAKE OUT A GOBLET.

- ( clangs ) - BY GOD.

CAPTAIN, ARE WE GOING TO GET IT OUT?

WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO IS

WE'RE GONNA OPEN UP A BAKERY--

YOU KNOW, MAYBE A NICE LITTLE PLACE,

- MAYBE SPAIN. - THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- COOKIES AND SUCH. - A BAKERY WITHOUT MAPS.

- OR BALLS. - NO BALLS.

IT IS MANDATORY THERE BE NO BALLS.

WE WILL ALL HAVE THEM CUT OFF

AND WE WILL JUST SERVE COOKIES--

FLAT COOKIES WITH NO SORES ON THEM.

- MY BALLS ARE GORGEOUS. - MY BALLS SMELL BETTER.

HUH.

- ( keyboard clicking ) - "TITO IS...

ABOUT TO GET MY WEEKEND ON.

MAKE TRICKS DIVE ON ( bleep ).

YEAH, YOU KNOW HOW I DO IT. ALL DAY."

- ( chimes ) - WOW, TITO. AGGRESSIVE UPDATE.

GAY ROBOT, YOU'VE GOT TO DROP THE HAMMER, SON.

THIS AIN'T NO GAME. I SAY HOW I FEEL.

I'M OUT. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

LATER, GATOR. IGNORE THE HATERS.

TRUE.

MAYBE I NEED TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE TOO.

WHAT AM I? HMM.

GAY ROBOT. "IT'S ALL ABOUT PEEN.

I WANT TWO AND A HALF MEN LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN.

PEEP THAT BOOTY.

SHAKE IT, BUT DON'T MAKE DOOKIE.

WANT THAT SWEAT ALL UP ON ME ME.

LIKE A WATERFALL, BUT NOT WITH PEE PEE."

"LIKE A WATERFALL, BUT NOT WITH PEE PEE."

- I CAN'T BELIEVE TITO'S UPDATE. - KEEP READING.

"I LIKE MY WIENER DIRTY. 'CAUSE IT'S PURTY.

SO TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTY.

PULL YOUR GUN OUT OF YOUR HOLSTER."

"STUFF IT IN MY TOASTER.

TAKING IT ALL IN LIKE A MILK-FILLED ROLLERCOASTER.

- PEACE." - OH MY GOD.

HE'S REALLY TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF.

HEY. I LIKE YOUR NEW UPDATE.

IT'S GOOD, RIGHT? MORE HARD CORE.

I AIN'T AFRAID TO DROP THE HAMMER. THAT'S REAL.

I GUESS WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE THEN.

- ( giggles ) - BYE.

- BYE-BYE. - ( both laugh loudly )

( all laugh )

YOU'VE GOT TO SIGN ME OUT OF FACEBOOK.

I'VE TOLD YOU THAT A MILLION TIMES.

I WAS TRYING TO GET MY TITO ON,

BUT FORGOT TO GET MY SIGN-OUT ON. SORRY.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU WERE.

- I'M SORRY. - IT'S OKAY.

( siren blaring )

- ( car door closes ) - SIR, DO YOU REALIZE HOW FAST--

- ( car chiming ) - O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC.

- YOU KNOW, THIS HAS ALCOHOL NOW. - WHAT? IS THAT SERIOUS?

YEAH. JUST DRIVE SLOWER.

Announcer: O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER--

NOW WITH ALCOHOL! SO DRIVE SLOWER.

( clangs )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

Man: TERRIFIC.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET YOUR ROCKS OFF?

- UNFORTUNATELY YES, SIR. - DID YOU EVER TRY

LEAVING AN EMPTY MAYONNAISE JAR IN YOUR CAR FILLED WITH GROUND BEEF?

- YES. - DID YOU EVER CUT A DOLL HEAD IN HALF

- AND FILL IT WITH CHOCOLATE PUDDING? - YUP.

DID YOU EVER PUT DOG FOOD IN YOUR PANTS

WHILE A PROSTITUTE PULLS A BAND-AID OFF HER ARM?

YUP. I FILLED A BURRITO WITH JELLO AND CAT HAIR

AND THEN SHOVED A KITTEN ON MY DICK.

DID YOU EVER SEW VEAL INTO A CATCHER'S MITT

- AND RENT "FACES OF DEATH"? - I'D LOVE THAT, SIR.

I WOULD SAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME."