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1
00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:07,311
**
2
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,811
YOU KNOW, A NEW WIDOWER
MOVED IN TODAY.
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,383
THAT'S RIGHT.
4
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:14,282
HE LIVES IN BUILDING D,
APARTMENT 3-B.
5
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:17,415
HIS NAME IS MELVIN SHLANGA.
6
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,151
HE SPEAKS FLUENT
PUERTO RICAN.
7
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:20,147
THAT'S SPANISH.
8
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,588
HE'S MISSING THE LAST
SEVEN INCHES OF HIS COLON,
9
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:26,063
AND HE ALWAYS KEEPS
GRAPES IN HIS POCKET.
10
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,634
SO, HE'S A REAL CATCH,
AND HE'S BACK ON THE MARKET.
11
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,362
OH, YOU'RE ON THE MARKET.
12
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,368
(Gigi)
BUT, LET ME TELL YA--
13
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,429
I'VE GOT SOME PRETTY STIFF
COMPETITION FOR HIM--
14
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,267
THREE WOMEN
IN PARTICULAR.
15
00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:37,843
ROSEMARY GUERRERO--
SHE'S A CUBAN JEW HUNTER
16
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,441
WITH FAKE BREASTS.
17
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:40,813
HER HUSBAND
IS STILL ALIVE.
18
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:43,381
SHE'S STILL MARRIED,
BUT HE'S DEEP IN A COMA.
19
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,451
THEN, OF COURSE,
MY FRIEND MITZY.
20
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:46,609
YOU KNOW MITZY.
21
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,347
SHE SMOKES POT,
WEARS A WIG,
22
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,522
AND SHE'S ABOUT
4'6" TALL.
23
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,321
IF HE LIKES PETITE
WOMEN, I'M SCREWED.
24
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,324
THEN, THERE'S
DEBBIE MAIZAR.
25
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,086
OH, THE CHARACTER
ACTRESS?
26
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,625
NO, THIS IS A TOTALLY
DIFFERENT DEBBIE MAIZAR.
27
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,700
AND SHE'S A DEMOCRAT
WITH AN iPHONE.
28
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,299
(Ricky)
OH.
(Gigi)
SHE'S ALWAYS ON IT.
29
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,771
I NEVER KNOW IF
SHE'S SPYING ON ME
30
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,298
OR TELLING THE NSA
WHAT I'M UP TO.
31
00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:08,765
SO, I HAVE MY WORK
CUT OUT FOR ME,
32
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,342
BUT I THINK I HAVE A LEG UP
ON THE COMPETITION.
33
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:12,842
AND IT'S QUITE THE LEG.
34
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:14,683
(Gigi)
IT'S A FINE LEG, ISN'T IT?
35
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,448
YOU'RE LIKE A HOBBIT
IN HER GOLDEN YEARS.
36
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:20,478
WHAT'S THE QUICKEST
WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
37
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,824
THROUGH HIS...
38
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,419
BRAIN.
STOMACH.
39
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:24,591
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING BRAIN?
40
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,648
YOU DON'T KNOW
THE SAYING.
41
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,456
HUH. YEAH,
THAT MAKES SENSE.
42
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:28,788
NOW, I'M NO COOK.
43
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,492
YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT.
44
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,164
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M DOING IN THE KITCHEN.
45
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:33,593
TRETCHIE FEINBERG'S
EX-HUSBAND,
46
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:35,227
HE USED TO SAY
THAT MY BRISKET
47
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,403
TASTED LIKE IT
CAME FROM A BRIS,
48
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,531
WHICH, YOU KNOW,
WASN'T FUNNY
49
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,396
'CAUSE HE WAS
AN ACTUAL MOHEL.
50
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,604
WHAT'S A MOHEL?
51
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,765
THAT'S A JEW DOCTOR
WHO CUTS YOUR DICK.
52
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,714
OH, RIGHT.
53
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,538
YEAH.
YEAH.
54
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:47,914
SO, GUESS WHAT
I'M GONNA DO.
55
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,511
I'M GONNA HIRE
A PRIVATE CHEF
56
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,684
TO COOK FOR ME FOR HIM.
57
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:54,383
MELVIN'LL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.
58
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,515
YEAH, BUT THAT'S CHEATING.
59
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,289
YOU DON'T WANT YOUR FIRST
INTERACTION WITH SOMEBODY
60
00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:58,718
TO BE BASED ON A LIE.
61
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,222
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT IS LYING,
62
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:02,664
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TELL A SOUL, ARE YOU?
63
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,460
ARE YOU, RICKY?
NO, I WON'T.
I-I WON'T.
64
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,732
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL
A LIVING SOUL, ARE YOU?
I WON'T SAY A WORD.
65
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,261
* LA LA LA LA LA
66
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,927
* LA LA LA LA LA
67
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,404
* LA LA LA LA LA
68
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,403
* LA LA
69
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,195
* LA LA LA LA LA
70
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,837
* LA LA LA LA LA
71
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,271
* LA LA LA LA LA
72
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:21,277
* LA LA
73
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:28,219
**
74
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,779
* LA LA LA LA LA
75
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,587
* LA LA LA LA LA
76
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:32,849
* LA LA LA LA LA
77
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,886
* LA LA
78
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:37,362
**
79
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:38,531
(Ricky)
ALL RIGHT, EVEN THOUGH
80
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:39,729
I STILL THINK
THIS IS CHEATING--
(Gigi)
YEAH.
81
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,230
I HAVE PREPARED THREE
CHEFS TO MEET WITH YOU.
OH, GEE.
82
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,703
EACH WITH A DIFFERENT
BACKGROUND,
83
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,671
SO THEY'LL PREPARE
THREE DIFFERENT DISHES.
84
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,599
OKAY. THAT'S PERFECT.
OKAY, NOW, YOU HAVE TO--
85
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:51,565
YEAH, AND WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE
YOU THINK MELVIN LIKES BEST.
YEAH.
86
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,635
JUST BE VERY
COMPLIMENTARY AND NICE
87
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:54,984
ABOUT WHAT THEY
PREPARE YOU, OKAY?
88
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,448
AND IT'S NOT
CHEATING IF YOU WIN.
89
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,548
YOU KNOW, A LOTTA
WINNERS CHEAT.
90
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,350
IN FACT,
ONLY WINNERS CHEAT.
91
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,622
LOSERS PLAY BY
THE RULES LIKE YOU.
92
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,921
YOU PLAY BY
THE RULES TOO MUCH.
93
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:08,923
(sizzling)
94
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,756
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HELLO.
95
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,561
HI.
OH, MY CHEFS!
96
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:15,363
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO,
IS WIN THE AFFECTIONS
97
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,696
OF A NEW MAN.
HIS NAME IS MELVIN,
98
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:21,741
AND THE WAY TO HIS
HEART IS THROUGH HIS?
99
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:22,969
STOMACH.
(Gigi)
STOMACH.
100
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:25,613
AND THAT'S ALSO THE WAY
TO HIS PENIS,
101
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,379
WHICH IS
VERY IMPORTANT.
102
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,308
SO, I WANT YOU THREE
TO COOK A DISH
103
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:33,254
THAT'S GONNA KNOCK
HIS SOCKS OFF.
104
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,651
AND THEN, I'M GONNA
SAY THAT I MADE IT.
105
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:36,653
(chuckles)
106
00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:37,694
DO YOU GUYS MIND
IF WE COME OVER
107
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:38,848
AND JUST START LOOKIN'
AT SOME OF YOUR DISHES?
108
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,686
(man)
SURE.
(woman)
YEAH, SURE, COME ON DOWN.
109
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,820
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH,
I CAN COME CLOSE.
110
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,824
THANK YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING
FOR US TODAY, DARLING?
111
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:43,956
SO, WHAT WE HAVE OVER
HERE IS A SKIRT STEAK.
112
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,091
OKAY.
113
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,155
(woman)
AND I'M MAKING IT
BRAZILIAN STYLE.
114
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:47,403
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
A LITTLE INTERNATIONAL FLARE.
115
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,698
OH.
SOMETHING THAT'S EASY--
SOMETHING THAT'S DELICIOUS.
116
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,600
SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA--
117
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,002
SPICE IT UP A BIT.
OH, YEAH.
118
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,473
I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE MAKING.
119
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,472
WHAT AM I MAKING?
A BETTER HAT.
120
00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,508
I GOT SOME, UH,
ORGANIC TOMATOES,
121
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:00,810
CHERRY TOMATOES
HERE FOR YOU.
122
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:01,941
OH, PERFECT.
123
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,035
TO TOSS WITH THE
FRESH HOMEMADE PASTA
124
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,276
THAT I MADE THIS
MORNING, VERY EARLY.
125
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,183
BEAUTIFUL.
126
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:07,753
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
READY TO KNOCK ME OUT.
127
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:11,551
SOME MEN ARE VERY SENSITIVE
ABOUT GOING BALD.
128
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,785
WITH A LEMON ZEST.
MMM.
129
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,050
A TRUE SICILIAN DISH.
130
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:17,327
BOOM!
AND I'M GONNA TOSS SOME FRESH,
WILD ARUGULA IN THERE.
131
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,928
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WALA-RULA?
132
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,329
FRESH WILD ARUGULA--
WILD.
133
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,361
ARUGULA, OOH.
...IN HIS PANTS.
134
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,425
BUT, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
THAT'S GONNA BLOAT HIM.
135
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,534
OH, NO, NO,
NOT AT ALL.
136
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,025
WHEN I GET BLOATED,
I GET WET.
137
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,896
BUT, WHEN MEN GET BLOATED,
THEY GET SOFT.
138
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,935
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU STILL GET WET?
139
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,440
I STILL GET WET.
140
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,472
MY HAROLD WENT BALD
WHEN HE WAS 21.
141
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:34,507
I'M NOT REALLY GOING BALD.
142
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,182
OH, OKAY.
(Wes)
YEAH.
143
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,709
I'M MAKING A CAJUN
FRIED CHICKEN.
OKAY, WELL, THIS IS AWK--
THAT'S VERY EXCITING.
144
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,376
YEAH.
OH, I LOVE
FRIED CHICKEN.
145
00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:42,424
IF YOU SPIT IN MY FOOD,
146
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,080
I'M GONNA REPORT YOU.
NO, I WILL NOT SPIT IN IT.
147
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,317
WILD ARUGULA.
148
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,823
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
ARUGULA IS GOOD FOR?
149
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:47,964
PARKINSON'S DISEASE.
150
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,618
(Roberto)
PARKINSON'S.
WHICH I DON'T HAVE, YET.
151
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:51,528
(Roberto)
GREAT.
152
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,359
BUT, I'M LIABLE TO GET
PARKINSON'S DISEASE.
153
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,634
OH, YOU'RE IN
GOOD SHAPE. YOU--
154
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,902
NO, I HAVE A FEELING
IT'S COMING.
155
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,669
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY ABOUT CAJUN FOOD.
WHAT'S THAT?
156
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,069
IT GIVES YOU BETTER--
YOU KNOW.
157
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,100
OH, MY GOODNESS.
(Wes)
YES.
158
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,674
LISTEN, WHATEVER YOU COOK,
IT SHOULD BE WITH LOVE.
159
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:05,865
OH.
160
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,676
AND A LITTLE BIT OF LUST.
161
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:08,808
EXTRA LOVE.
162
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,712
D-DON'T COME IN THE FOOD,
WHATEVER YOU DO.
163
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,054
OH, NO, NO.
164
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,049
(Ricky)
THANK YOU, ROBERTO.
165
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:13,910
IT'S, UH--
YOU'RE WELCOME.
166
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:14,677
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
167
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,875
(Gigi)
FROM A CULINARY STANDPOINT,
168
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,617
THIS IS GONNA BE
A TOUGH CHOICE.
169
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,592
BUT, FROM
A LIBIDO STANDPOINT,
170
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,992
THE ITALIAN HAS MY VAGINA'S
BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
171
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:28,555
YOU KNOW, I THINK VAGINA
IS AN ITALIAN WORD.
172
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:32,366
IT SOUNDS ITALIAN--
A VAGINA.
173
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,800
ALL RIGHT,
I'M STARVING.
174
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,404
WHERE'S MY FOOD?
175
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:37,406
AND I'M LOW BLOOD SUGAR,
SO GET IT OVER HERE.
176
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,808
(claps)
CHOP-CHOP.
177
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,439
OH, MY GOODNESS,
LOOK AT THIS.
178
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:41,584
IT'S IMPORTANT WHAT
A DISH LOOKS LIKE.
179
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:42,709
BON APPETIT.
180
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:43,583
(speaking in foreign language)
(Gigi)
BON APPETIT.
181
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:45,781
OKAY, A LITTLE
SEA BASS ON MY FORK.
182
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,522
(slurps)
183
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:51,721
**
184
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,652
VERY NICE.
VERY NICE.
185
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,386
VERY NICE.
186
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:55,761
(kissing sounds)
MOLTO BENE.
187
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,629
MOLTO BENE.
YOU DID GREAT.
188
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,958
OKAY, LET'S TRY
THIS ONE, NOW.
189
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:00,863
THERE IT IS.
190
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,904
MMM. LOOK AT THIS.
191
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,966
VERY, VERY GREAT.
(woman)
THANK YOU.
192
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,741
I LOVE IT.
193
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:10,970
LET'S TRY THE THIRD ONE.
194
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:12,574
(Ricky)
MM-HMM.
195
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:15,136
WHAT IS THIS?
196
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,875
IT SMELLS LIKE
MARIJUANA.
197
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,010
YOU TRYIN' TO
GET ME STONED?
198
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,975
(Wes)
MAYBE.
(Gigi)
YEAH, I KNOW.
199
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:23,953
**
200
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,754
MMM.
201
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,516
THIS IS VERY GOOD.
(Ricky)
YEAH?
202
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:29,555
GIVE US A SECOND.
203
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,134
OKAY, COME ON.
204
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,600
LET'S TALK.
205
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,028
SO, WHICH ONE'S
YOUR FAVORITE?
206
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,603
I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BREAK IT TO THEM,
207
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,071
BUT THEY ALL SUCK.
YOU THINK?
208
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,539
THEY ALL TASTED
LIKE CAT MEAT.
209
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,799
ALL THREE OF THOSE
ARE GOURMET MEALS, OKAY?
210
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,807
WHICH ONE OF THESE
DO YOU LIKE THE BEST?
211
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,169
FIRST,
YOU HAVE ROBERTO.
212
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,537
THE FISH.
213
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,876
HE'S ITALIAN, AND
I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM.
214
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:51,981
ALTHOUGH, HE'S SICILIAN,
215
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:54,052
SO HE'S LIABLE TO
PUT A HIT OUT ON ME.
216
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,621
SO, I'M A LITTLE
WORRIED ABOUT THAT.
217
00:06:56,650 --> 00:07:00,050
THEN, YOU HAVE, YOU KNOW,
THE-THE--
218
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:05,487
THE WHAT?
THE B-- THE B--
THE BLA-BLA--
219
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,456
THE-THE BLA-BLA.
220
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:08,925
THE BLACK WOMAN?
YEAH, THE BLACK.
221
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,832
SHE SPIT IN THAT FOOD.
222
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,204
SHE DID NOT SPIT
IN THAT DISH.
SHE PHLEGMED IN IT.
223
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,133
SHE DIDN'T.
SHE PHLEGMED IN IT.
224
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,267
I KNOW PHLEGM
WHEN I TASTE IT
225
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,512
'CAUSE I'M
CONSTANTLY SWALLOWING
MY OWN PHLEGM ALL DAY.
226
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:19,809
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT ABOUT THE LAST DISH?
227
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,480
IT WAS THE
FRIED CHICKEN ON THE--
228
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,579
ON THE-THE CAJUN RICE.
229
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,881
THERE WAS ANOTHER DISH?
230
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,782
THE FRIED CHICKEN
WITH THE CAJUN RICE?
231
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,484
I F--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
232
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:29,476
I THINK--
THERE WERE TWO DISHES.
233
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,217
NO, THERE WAS
A THIRD ONE BY WES.
234
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,621
WHO'S WES?
235
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,223
THE LAST CHEF
WITH THE HAT ON.
236
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,794
OH, THAT DUMB HAT,
AND HE CLAIMS NOT TO BE BALD.
237
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,064
THAT'S BULLSHIT.
238
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,091
YOU DON'T WEAR
A HAT LIKE THAT
239
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,156
UNLESS YOU'RE
GOIN' BALD.
240
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,034
SO, DO YOU KNOW WHICH
ONE YOU WANNA PICK?
241
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:45,833
DO I HAVE TO PICK ONE?
YEAH.
242
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:50,866
OH, THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY
ASTONISHING-- ASTOUNDING.
243
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,014
YOU'VE DONE
A GREAT JOB...
244
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,110
AT WASTING MY TIME.
245
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,082
I ASKED YOU TO
COOK IT WITH LOVE,
246
00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:00,780
AND ALL I TASTE
IS SPIT AND SPICE.
247
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,084
AND I KNOW YOU
SPIT IN THE DISH.
248
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,915
I TOLD YA NOT TO.
SO, GET OUT.
249
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,092
* LA LA LA LA LA
JUST LEAVE.
250
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,960
* LA LA LA LA LA
BRING ME A GARBAGE PAIL.
251
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,119
* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
I CAN'T EVEN STAND
TO SMELL IT.
252
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:15,802
IT'S READY!
253
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,199
OH, IT IS?
IT SMELLS WONDERFUL.
254
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,200
I CAN'T WAIT
TO EAT IT AND CHEW IT.
255
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:20,902
YOU-YOU ARE IN
FOR SUCH A TREAT.
256
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,544
THIS IS THE
CANADIAN NATIONAL DISH.
257
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:23,970
(Gigi)
OH, LOOK AT THIS,
WHAT YOU MADE ME!
258
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:24,874
IT'S POUTINE.
259
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:25,935
POO--
YOU MADE ME POO.
260
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:26,943
NOW, GET--
261
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:27,944
NO, IT'S--
(laughs)
262
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:28,975
OKAY, LET ME TRY IT.
263
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:29,879
IT'S A--
SO, IT'S POTATO.
THIS LOOKS AMAZING.
264
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,880
YEAH, IT'S POTATO,
GRAVY, AND CURD CHEESE.
265
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,723
YEAH. OKAY.
MM-HMM.
266
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,018
YOU SAID
CURD CHEESE?
267
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,749
CURD CHEESE,
YEAH. YEAH.
MMM. MMM.
268
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:38,945
YEAH.
269
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,616
SOMETIMES, YOU CAN USE,
LIKE, UM,
270
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,324
THEY USE
GOAT CHEESE OR--
271
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,455
YEAH.
272
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:45,760
JUST SOME, YOU KNOW,
REGULAR CHEESE.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
273
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:46,763
IT'S PRETTY GREAT.
OH, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
274
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,304
IT'S-- SOME PEOPLE
SAY IT'S HEAVY.
I LOVE IT.
275
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,828
BUT, IT-IT PAIRS WELL
WITH, LIKE, HOT DOGS,
276
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,003
OR HAMBURGERS, OR--
I LOVE IT.
277
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,001
LET ME, UM, JUST--
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
278
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,333
YEAH. NO,
OF COURSE.
279
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,637
YEAH, IT'S WONDERFUL,
THOUGH.
I'M SO HAPPY
YOU LIKE IT. YEAH.
280
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,269
I LOVE IT. YEAH,
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
YOU REALLY,
REALLY LIKE IT.
281
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,344
(retching)
282
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:03,612
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
283
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:04,984
I'M SORRY.
284
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,182
YOU DON'T LIKE
MY POUTINE?
285
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:09,923
I DO-- WELL--
REEE!
286
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,950
* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
287
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,859
I'VE DECIDED TO COOK
FOR MELVIN MYSELF.
288
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,262
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT
SOME SORT OF, UH, UH, UH,
289
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,634
THREE-STAR MICHELIN
RATED COOK.
290
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:28,735
SO, I'VE HAD RICKY HIRE ME
BOCA'S TOP COOKING INSTRUCTOR,
291
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,869
THE VERY BEST
MONEY CAN BUY.
292
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:35,905
YOU KNOW, I HEAR MELVIN'S
PENIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE
293
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:39,783
THE MICHELIN MAN,
RIBBED FOR MY PLEASURE.
294
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,683
(chuckles)
295
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:43,816
HELLO.
296
00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,221
OH, ARIGATO GOJAIMASU.
297
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,692
(Gigi)
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
298
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,820
HE'S ALREADY SPEAK--
YOU SPEAK ENGLISH OR NO?
299
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:50,256
(laughs)
UH, A LITTLE.
300
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,290
WHAT? DID YA GIVE ME
A NON-SPEAK--
301
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,234
YOU SPEAK A LITTLE BIT?
I'M FROM CALI, SO YEAH.
302
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,900
OH, OKAY,
VERY GOOD.
HUH?
303
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,358
HI-- RICKY.
YOU SCARED ME.
CHRIS-- PLEASURE.
304
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:57,726
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU SCARED ME.
DO ME A FAVOR.
305
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:58,795
ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH.
306
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,872
(Chris)
SI, SENORITA.
307
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,130
NO, NO, COME ON.
COME ON.
308
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,898
(Chris)
YOU GOT IT.
BECAUSE THE SOUND
OF OTHER LANGUAGES
309
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,166
MAKES ME WANNA PUKE.
310
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:07,884
OKAY.
OKAY, NOW, YOU'RE
HERE TO TEACH ME?
311
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,138
(Chris)
I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU.
OKAY, GOOD.
312
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:11,376
I NEED A GOOD LESSON
BECAUSE I'M HORNY,
313
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,951
AND I'M TRYIN'
TO CATCH A MAN.
314
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,951
I'M TALKING SPECIFICALLY
ABOUT A MAN NAMED MELVIN.
315
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:17,894
(Chris)
MELVIN.
316
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,748
(Gigi)
GET ME INSIDE HIS PANTS.
OKAY.
317
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,218
I'D LIKE TO GO INSIDE
THERE WITH MY WHOLE HEAD
318
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,026
AND TAKE A PEEK.
319
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,288
LOOK AROUND
INSIDE HIS PANTS.
320
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,027
OH, THERE YOU ARE,
MR. SIR.
321
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,802
(kissing sound)
KISS YA.
322
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:31,731
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
323
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,325
I'D LIKE TO KISS HIM
ON THE SCHMEKIE.
324
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,126
OKAY.
325
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,897
I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD
A FEW LADIES
326
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,096
WHO KISSED
YOUR SCHMEKIE.
327
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,107
UH, I'D RATHER
NOT SAY.
328
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,669
YEAH, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.
HE'S NEVER--
329
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,038
HE'S NEVER HAD A LADY
KISS HIS SCHMEKIE.
330
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:42,875
(Chris)
OKAY.
IT'S NEITHER
HERE NOR THERE.
331
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,880
NEVER HAD A LADY
KISS HIS SCHMEKIE.
332
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,152
I'VE HAD MANY THINGS
TOUCH AND KISS THINGS.
333
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:47,379
YOUR SCHMEKIE
THEY HAVEN'T KISSED.
334
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:48,754
SO, I NOTICED
WHAT YOU HAVE SET UP.
335
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,922
THIS LOOKS LIKE
IT-IT'LL BE SUSHI.
336
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:53,351
UH, YEAH, I, UH--
SUSHI IS RAW.
337
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,916
IT'S RAW. YEP.
OKAY.
338
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,685
YEP.
I LIKE IT RAW.
339
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,834
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S GET STARTED.
340
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,889
LET'S GRAB SOME, UH,
NORI, RIGHT HERE,
341
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:01,828
WHICH IS DRY SEAWEED.
342
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,802
NORI--
THIS HAS SEAWEED IN IT?
343
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,031
(Chris)
THIS IS SEAWEED.
344
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,225
(Gigi)
THIS IS SEAWEED?
345
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,696
(Chris)
YES, IT'S EDIBLE.
346
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:08,965
THIS SMELLS LIKE
A MULTIVITAMIN.
347
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:09,902
IF YOU PUT IT
ON YOUR FACE,
348
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,937
IT ACTUALLY MAKES YOU
LOOK YOUNGER, AS WELL.
349
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,242
TAKE A COUPLE
OF EXTRA PIECES.
350
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,143
YES, PLEASE DO.
351
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,044
I'LL PUT IT ON MY FACE
AND ON MY PUNDA.
352
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,276
REJUVENATE THE PUNDA.
353
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,910
UH, ALL RIGHT.
SO, THE NEXT STEP--
354
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,447
GRAB SOME RICE.
(Gigi)
OKAY.
355
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:24,121
(Chris)
JUST SPREAD IT OUT
ON THE SEAWEED,
356
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:27,491
AND THEN JUST KINDA JUST
SMEAR ALL ACROSS THE NORI.
357
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,920
YOU GUYS ARE
LOOKING GREAT.
358
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,156
THAT'S PERFECT.
YES.
359
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:30,960
FLATTEN IT OUT A LITTLE.
360
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,231
(Gigi)
OKAY, FLATTEN IT OUT.
361
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,989
(Chris)
UH-HUH. GENTLE.
362
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,257
(Gigi)
YEAH. OH,
IT CAME APART.
363
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,095
(Chris)
UH, NO, IT'S O--
(Gigi)
THIS IS A MESS ALREADY.
364
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,730
NO, NO, WE'RE--
YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
365
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:39,926
YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
THIS IS TOO MUCH
WORK FOR ME.
366
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,767
MY FINGERS ARE
VERY ARTHRITIC.
367
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:42,842
(Chris)
ALL RIGHT.
368
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,270
SO, NOW TAKE YOUR
BAMBOO ROLLER.
369
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,774
LET'S FLIP THIS OVER.
370
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,006
RICE SIDE DOWN.
371
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,040
RICE SIDE DOWN
AND A-BOOM.
372
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,036
(Chris)
OH, THERE YA GO, PERFECT.
373
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,037
(Gigi)
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
374
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,148
SO, WHAT WE'RE
GONNA DO IS,
375
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,309
WE'RE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BIT
OF IMITATION CRAB MEAT.
376
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:55,847
(Gigi)
OKAY.
377
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:56,923
OKAY, GREAT.
378
00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:59,490
TAKE THAT.
TERRIFIC.
379
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,289
(Chris)
PERFECT. EXCELLENT.
(Gigi)
NEXT.
380
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,261
TAKE A COUPLE
PIECES OF CUCUMBER.
381
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:06,130
(Gigi)
I LOVE CUCUMBER.
382
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,299
OH, I LOVE CUCUMBER.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
383
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,958
SO, NOW WE GOT
THE CUCUMBER DOWN.
384
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,827
LET'S JUST TAKE A COUPLE
PIECES OF AVOCADO.
385
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:16,035
OH, AVOCADO I DON'T LIKE,
BUT I'LL PUT IT ON THIS FOOD.
386
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,399
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
387
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,037
THERE'S NO TENDERNESS
IN WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
388
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,512
YOU MIND YOUR OWN DISH!
389
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,940
I AM MINDING MY OWN DISH,
AND MY DISH, RIGHT NOW,
390
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,476
WOULD WOO THE HECK
OUTTA MELVIN.
391
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:27,511
I WOULD GET THAT GUY
OVER YOU IN A HEARTBEAT.
392
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,777
YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH
I'M NOT INTO A GUY LIKE THAT.
393
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:30,677
OKAY.
ANY GUY.
394
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,317
WHAT?
I'M NOT INTO
ANY GUY LIKE THAT,
395
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,352
AND HE'S NOT--
OOH, I CAUGHT YA.
396
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,286
NO, YOU DIDN'T
CATCH ME.
YEAH, I CAUGHT YA.
397
00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:36,562
(Ricky)
NO.
YOU HEARD THAT?
398
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,929
HE SAID HE'S NOT
INTO A GUY LIKE THAT.
399
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,128
(Ricky)
HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
400
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:40,229
WHAT KINDA GUY
ARE YA INTO?
401
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,230
I'M NOT.
YEAH.
402
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,361
THE WOMAN KIND OF GUY.
YEAH, WOMAN KINDA GUY.
403
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,396
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE.
404
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,471
SO, HOW DO WE
ROLL THIS NOW?
405
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:46,268
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
406
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,199
SO, LET'S TAKE
THE CLOSER END TO YOU
407
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,865
AND THEN
JUST ROLL IT.
408
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,973
(Gigi)
ROLL IT. YEAH.
409
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,505
AND JUST GIVE IT
A NICE, GENTLE SQUEEZE.
410
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,841
OKAY.
YEAH?
411
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:57,977
(Gigi)
MM-HMM.
412
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,551
WOW! THAT LOOKS GREAT.
(Chris)
YEAH.
413
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,149
YEAH, LOOKS GOOD.
WOW, WOW, WOW!
414
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,151
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
OH. MINE IS GONNA
BE BETTER. LOOK.
415
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,594
(Chris)
OH, OKAY.
416
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,418
NOT BAD.
417
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,494
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
418
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:10,592
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
419
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,393
NO, NO, IT'S GOOD.
THAT'S NOT A ROLL.
420
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,425
HE'S GONNA
SEE THIS AND SAY,
421
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,530
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"
422
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:15,701
NO, WE'RE GONNA
COVER IT IN SOME FISH.
423
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,968
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S FINE.
NO, THIS IS--
AYE-AYE-AYE-AYE!
424
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:19,828
OH, WH--
NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT CAME OUT!
425
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,227
THIS DISH IS
GONNA RUIN ME!
426
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,968
AND HE'S GONNA GO
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
427
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:27,244
(speaking in foreign
language, spits)
428
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:32,454
**
429
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,309
JUST FOR THE RECORD,
I WAS MAKING MINE WI--
430
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,447
UH, WITH A WOMAN IN MIND,
431
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,323
A VERY BUSTY WOMAN,
REALLY BUSTY.
432
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,893
* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
433
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,297
**
434
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,029
I'M GONNA DIE ALONE,
435
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:55,544
AND IT'S 100% THE FAULT
OF THIS HORRIBLE DISH.
436
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,008
MELVIN KILLED
14 KOREANS IN THE WAR.
437
00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:01,008
HE OWNS THE PRECISION
HAIR TRIMMER.
438
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,111
HE'S NOT GONNA BE
IMPRESSED BY SUSHI.
439
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:07,084
I NEED TO MAKE HIM
SOMETHING THAT SAYS LOVE.
440
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:12,294
SO, I'VE LEARNED HOW
TO MAKE KOREAN, UH, BI--
441
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,989
BI-BIM-- BA-BUM-BA.
442
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:16,362
BA-BUM-BA-BA.
443
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,359
WHATEVER IT'S CALLED.
444
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,530
BIM-BIM-YAP.
445
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,228
BA-BA-ZOOM.
446
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,460
BA-BA-BE-BEETLE.
447
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,455
BE-BEMS-BE-BOM.
448
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:30,567
**
449
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,043
THESE ARE THE BEST.
450
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,972
I CAN'T-- I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU.
451
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,437
YOU'RE ALL THE WAY FROM
CLEVELAND. ALL RIGHT.
452
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:36,535
WAIT A SECOND.
453
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,606
OY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
OH, GREAT.
454
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:40,054
NO, THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART
IS-IS-IS-IS-IS THROUGH--
455
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,580
IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH.
IS THROUGH HIS
STOMACH, YEAH.
456
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,354
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
HIM SICK WITH THAT.
457
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,723
WHAT DID YOU MAKE?
458
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,651
I HAVE A PILLOW THAT--
THAT'S-THAT'S GONNA
END UP IN A GARAGE SALE.
459
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,657
THAT SHE GOT IN
A GARAGE SALE.
WHAT'S HE GONNA
DO WITH THAT?
460
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:50,459
(Gigi)
YOU THINK HE WANTS
A PILLOW?
461
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:51,660
YOU THINK
HE NEEDS A PILLOW?
462
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:52,691
WHAT IS HE GONNA
DO WITH THAT?
463
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,485
I NEEDLEPOINTED THIS.
464
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,496
MY BRISKET IS
BACK AT MY PLACE,
465
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:58,268
AND HE'S GOING TO GO
TO HEAVEN WITH IT.
466
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,268
YEAH, 20 YEARS AGO.
467
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,029
I DARE SAY THIS, BUT HE
DOESN'T WANT THE BRISKET
468
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,298
THAT YOU'RE COOKING
IN THE OVEN.
469
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,465
OH.
HE WANTS
THE BRISKET, UH,
470
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,043
THAT YOU'RE
COOKING DOWN THERE.
471
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,342
WAIT 'TIL YOU--
YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
472
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,184
MELVIN?
OH.
473
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,479
ROSEMARY GUERRERO--
474
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,080
NOW, THIS IS
A LITTLE DISH.
475
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,512
I DON'T COOK,
NOT IN THE KITCHEN ANYWAY.
476
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:15,977
OH, BUT YOU'RE HOT.
477
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:16,876
(laughs)
478
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,216
NOW, I WANNA TELL YOU
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
479
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,551
MY HUSBAND, SHELDON,
UH, HE'S IN THE CHAIR.
480
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,417
HE'S ON THE DIAPER.
481
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,285
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME OVER?
482
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:26,333
I USUALLY PUT SHELDON
DOWN AROUND 6:30.
483
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:29,129
COME AROUND, UH, 7:15.
484
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,502
I MAKE A GREAT SANGRIA.
485
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:31,430
(indistinct).
486
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,374
OKAY.
LISTEN TO A LITTLE
MARILYN McCOO.
487
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,370
OY VEY.
MOVE IT ALONG.
488
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,201
MOVE IT ALONG, LADY.
489
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,035
I LOVE MARILYN McCOO.
WHO DOESN'T?
490
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,070
AND IF YOU
DON'T LIKE THAT,
491
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,165
I'VE GOT SOME GREAT
GODFREY CAMBRIDGE RECORDS.
492
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,637
OH, MY GOODNESS.
WE'LL LAUGH.
493
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,114
I'M TELLING YOU--
WE WILL LAUGH.
AND LOVE. AND LIVE.
494
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,383
MELVIN, SHE BITES.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
495
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:45,681
SHE BITES WHEN
SHE GIVES FELLATIO.
496
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:46,752
GET OUT.
SHE BITES.
497
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,019
GET OUTTA HERE!
BYE, ROSEMARY.
498
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:49,348
SHE BITES.
SHE'S A BITER.
499
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,452
THIS IS A
NEEDLEPOINT I MADE.
500
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:54,994
IT'S MY FAVORITE PILLOW,
AND I WANTED YOU TO HAVE IT.
501
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,992
I'D LOVE FOR YOU
TO COME TO MY PLACE.
502
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:59,734
YOU BRING THE PILLOW,
AND I HAVE THE BRISKET--
OH, PLEASE...
503
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,759
AND I HAVE
POTATO PANCAKES.
AND FALL ASLEEP.
504
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,064
YEAH, HE'S GONNA BRING
THE PILLOW AROUND WITH HIM.
505
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,156
THAT'S WHAT
HE WANTS TO DO.
506
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,167
WELL, I--
IS CARRY YOUR PILLOW
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
507
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,369
WHICH FLOOR ARE YOU?
508
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,340
I'M ON THE SECOND FLOOR,
IN THE BACK.
509
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,670
THEY PUT HER IN THE BACK
BECAUSE SHE BOTHERS PEOPLE.
510
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:13,635
I'LL FIND YOU.
511
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:16,183
YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH HIM.
YOU HAVE NO CHANCE.
512
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:17,279
WATCH THIS.
513
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,350
NO.
514
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:19,708
**
515
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,606
(laughter)
OH, GET OUTTA HERE.
GEEZ.
516
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,378
YEAH, WHAT THE HELL
AM I GONNA DO WITH A PILLOW?
517
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:24,516
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE STUFF IT
UP HER ASS.
518
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:28,121
I SWEAR, GIGI, IF YOU DON'T
CHANGE YOUR M.O. HERE--
519
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,285
DID YOU SMELL THIS?
520
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:32,032
YES, I SMELLED THIS.
OY, IT SMELLS
LIKE A DOG FARTED.
521
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:33,459
THAT'S UMAMI.
UMAMI?
522
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:34,393
UMAMI.
THIS ONE IS TOO SHARP.
523
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,257
HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE IT.
524
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,655
HE IS GONNA EAT IT.
OH, FOR GOD SAKES!
525
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,266
HOW DARE YOU CALL IT--
I'LL CALL YOU, OKAY?
526
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,298
COME HERE, SWEETIE.
I LOVE YOU. MUAH.
527
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,703
OKAY, I'LL SP-SPEAK
TO YOU LATER.
528
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,044
...ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE
COOKIES THAT I MADE.
529
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:45,571
OH, I LOVE COOKIES.
WHAT KIND ARE THESE?
530
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:46,665
BLUE DREAM.
531
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,506
BLUE DREAM? OOH.
532
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,041
WHAT, ARE YOU
GONNA GET HIM HIGH?
533
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,547
THIS IS REALLY GOOD.
SHE'S A DRUG DEALER.
534
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,579
SHE DEALS DRUGS TO ALL
THE, UH, GRANDCHILDREN
535
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,554
OF ALL THE--
THEY'VE BEEN
BAR MITZVAHED.
536
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,353
WELL, I DON'T
GIVE A DAMN.
THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH
TO KNOW.
537
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,145
THIS SHIT IS GOOD.
538
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,687
WELL, YOU KNOW WHERE
TO FIND ME, DOLL.
539
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,261
AT THE END OF THE HALL?
540
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:06,060
ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
541
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,133
YEAH, GO.
542
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,700
YEAH, GO CHANGE OUT
OF YOUR FROCK.
543
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,258
IT'S NOT
SAINT PATTY'S DAY.
544
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,557
(bleep) YOU!
545
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:14,228
MELVIN, MR. SHLANGA,
WHAT ARE YOU--
546
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,667
I AM. I AM.
(laughs)
LOOK AT YOU.
547
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,572
YES, HOW ARE YOU?
548
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,773
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MAKE
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.
549
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:23,476
I HEAR YOU'RE VERY
SKILLED IN THE BEDROOM.
550
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,810
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MY NAME IS GIGI.
551
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,775
CICI, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHIN'.
OH, YOU HAVE
SUCH BIG HANDS.
552
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,124
NO, GIGI.
553
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:30,379
OH, MY GOODNESS.
554
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,517
OH, LOOK AT WHAT I MADE.
WHAT IS THAT?
555
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,151
IS THAT, UH--
556
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,346
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IT IS? IT'S--
557
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,357
UH, WELL,
I SERVED IN KOREA,
558
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,558
AND IT LOOK LIKE ONE
OF THOSE KOREAN DISHES.
559
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:37,459
IT'S-- IT-IT'S KOREAN.
560
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,590
IT'S BIBIMBAP!
561
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,386
BIBIMBAP.
562
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:45,368
I DON'T LIKE
BIP OR BOP.
WHAT?
563
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,598
BUT, YOU ATE ALL THE--
LOOK AT THIS.
564
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,743
THIS, I MEAN,
THIS IS DISG--
565
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:51,468
(sniff)
THIS SMELLS LIKE
A FART TOOK A SHIT.
566
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,114
WELL, YEAH, BUT
IT'S CHITLINS, SO--
567
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,411
AND THE WHITE LADY
MADE CHITLINS.
568
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,442
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M GONNA DO?
569
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:57,576
I'VE GOTTA EAT IT.
570
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,310
BUT, THIS-- I DON'T LIKE
WHATEVER THIS IS, THE BIP--
571
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,117
I SLAVED ALL NIGHT
OVER THIS FOR YOU.
572
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:05,319
DON'T EVER USE THE WORD
"SLAVE" IN FRONT OF ME
573
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:06,552
AGAIN, PLEASE.
574
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,116
WELL, IT'S A--
IT'S A, YOU KNOW,
575
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,315
IT'S A EXPRESSION.
576
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,356
IT'S-- I DON'T MEAN IT.
577
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:13,390
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT,
YOU KNOW, MORE THAN LIKELY
578
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,226
YOU-YOU-YOU HAD, UH--
579
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,702
I WAS NEVER A SLAVE.
YOU WERE NEVER A SLAVE?
580
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:17,699
NO, I WAS NEVER A SLAVE.
581
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:20,130
LIS-LISTEN, IT'S OKAY
IF YOU WERE NEVER A SLAVE.
582
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,397
LISTEN, WHAT'S
YOUR NAME? J.J.?
583
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,604
GIGI.
584
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:23,565
(Melvin)
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET
ME TO EAT SOMETHING
585
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:24,573
I DON'T LIKE.
586
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:25,874
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY
AND COOK SOMETHING ELSE
587
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,265
AND BRING ANOTHER DISH.
588
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:28,677
TAKE A BITE--
ONE BITE!
589
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,478
IF I DON'T LIKE IT,
I DON'T LIKE IT.
590
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,480
YOU'RE REALLY
STARTING TO PUSH ME.
591
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:33,512
NO, I'M--
YOU KNOW WHAT?
592
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,806
I'M NOT BRINGING
ANOTHER DISH.
593
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,447
I WORKED VERY HARD
ON THAT DISH!
594
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,893
LISTEN TO ME.
I DON'T CARE.
595
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:44,418
**
596
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,887
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
597
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,485
I HAVE A LOTTA MONEY.
598
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,797
I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY
THAT YOU COULD'VE TAKEN.
599
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,329
I WOULD'VE GIVEN YOU.
600
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,334
YOU COULD'VE BEEN
A GIGOLO.
601
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:53,265
YOU-YOU BLEW IT.
HOW MUCH MONEY
DO YOU HAVE?
602
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,630
YOU BLEW IT.
HOW MUCH MONEY
DO YOU HAVE?
603
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,667
THAT'S NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
604
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:57,903
(Melvin)
WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?
605
00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,307
(Gigi)
BECAUSE I SLAVED OVER THIS!
606
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:00,409
DON'T USE "SLAVE!"
607
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,310
I'VE TOLD YOU
THAT BEFORE!
608
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,612
WHY, YOU SON OF A BITCH.
609
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,453
MAY-MAY?
EXCUSE ME.
610
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,778
PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY
ANGRY, BUT DO GO AWAY.
611
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,384
I'M GONNA PUT
A CURSE ON YOU.
612
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,476
(speaking in foreign language)
613
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:12,948
WELL, UP YOUR GEE-GEE
AND DOWN YOUR LEG.
614
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,645
WISH YOU WERE
MY EASTER EGG.
615
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:15,757
TAKE THIS WITH YOU.
616
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,618
NO, YOU KEEP IT.
IT SUCKS.
617
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:18,887
YEAH, IT SUCKS?
YOU SUCK.
618
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,425
AND LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING.
619
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,300
I WOULDA SUCKED YOU OFF.
620
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:27,329
I WOULDA SSSSUCKED
YOU OFF.
621
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,567
I'LL STRANGLE YA.
622
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:31,301
* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
YOU FFFFFFT--
623
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,636
UH, ALL RIGHT.
Y-YEAH, CALL ME BACK.
624
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,475
KEEP ME ABREAST.
625
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,880
HO-LY SHIT.
626
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,353
MELVIN SHLANGA HAS BEEN
RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL
627
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:44,723
WITH CHEST PAINS.
628
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:46,351
HE'S IN OBSERVATION.
629
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:49,316
IT MUST'VE BEEN
ALL THE FOOD HE ATE.
630
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,316
THEY TOOK HIM TO BOCA'S
WORST HOSPITAL, TOO,
631
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:52,728
BOCA WEST.
632
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,459
YOU KNOW, A DOCTOR THERE
GOT CAUGHT STEALING ORGANS.
633
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,395
SELLING THEM
ON THE BLACK MARKET--
634
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,870
UH, HEARTS, LIVERS,
KIDNEYS.
635
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,439
HE EVEN STOLE
SOMEONE'S EYES ONCE.
636
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,839
IT WAS A BIG THING.
637
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,711
HE NEARLY LOST
HIS LICENSE.
638
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:09,939
**
639
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,576
* LA LA LA LA LA
640
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,411
* LA LA LA LA LA
641
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,576
* LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA *
642
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,486
YOU KNOW, I CANNOT
BELIEVE THAT MELVIN DIED.
643
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,018
WE WERE JUST WITH HIM
THE OTHER DAY.
644
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,992
HE WAS SO STRONG
AND SO SPRY.
645
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,491
SO FULL OF LIFE,
YOU KNOW?
646
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:26,333
IT'S AMAZING HOW FAST
LIFE HAPPENS.
647
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,929
UH, ANY WORD ON
WHAT HE DIED OF?
648
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,930
YEAH, THEY'RE SAYIN'
IT WAS A FOOD ALLERGY.
649
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,632
(gasps)
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
650
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,304
A FOOD ALLERGY?
651
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,044
THAT-- WELL,
HE DIDN'T EAT MY FOOD,
652
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,468
SO I'M IN THE CLEAR.
653
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,874
YEAH, NO BLOOD
ON YOUR HANDS.
NO BLOOD--
654
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:39,935
(laughs)
THAT'S RIGHT.
655
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:40,872
YEAH, WELL--
I SHOULDN'T LAUGH.
656
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,337
YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH.
IT'S NOT FUNNY. NO.
657
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:43,805
NO--
ANYWAY,
HOW DO I LOOK?
658
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,853
(sighs)
TO BE HONEST--
YEAH.
659
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:49,379
FAR TOO LOUD
FOR A FUNERAL.
660
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,746
IT-IT'S W-WAY
TOO VIBRANT.
661
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:51,883
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
662
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,418
I THINK
I'M DOWNPLAYING IT HERE.
663
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,023
NO, YOU'RE, UH, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT
664
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,624
DEATH AT A FUNERAL.
RIGHT.
665
00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:57,886
THAT'S WHY EVERYONE
WEARS BLACK.
666
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,034
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S SO CLICHE.
667
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:02,629
NO, YOU NEED SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE CONSERVATIVE.
668
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,432
SOMETHING LIKE
THIS, YOU KNOW?
669
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:05,634
NO, NO, NO.
670
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,525
THIS IS--
THIS-THIS IS DRAB.
671
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,637
GET IT AWAY FROM ME.
IT'S NOT DRAB.
672
00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:10,399
IT'S WAY MORE APPROPRIATE
FOR A FUNERAL.
673
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,737
IT'S DRAB.
I DON'T WANNA WEAR THAT.
674
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,812
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE
LOUDER THAN ANYONE THERE,
675
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,741
NOT JUST WITH YOUR VOICE,
BUT WITH YOUR OUTFIT.
676
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,346
YES, I KNOW.
I'M LOOKING TO IMPRESS.
677
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,649
WHO ARE YOU
TRYING TO IMPRESS?
678
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:21,910
OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU?
679
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:25,388
MELVIN HAS A TWIN BROTHER,
ELVIN SHLANGA.
680
00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:28,358
HE'S GOT MORE MONEY,
AND HE'S EVEN MORE BLACK.
48285
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