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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,830 --> 00:00:04,920 BLACKADDER "The Cavalier Years" 2 00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:10,280 In 1648, king Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell & his Roundheads. 3 00:00:10,380 --> 00:00:14,780 Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown. 4 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,760 One was the sole descendent of a great historical english dynasty. 5 00:00:19,010 --> 00:00:20,280 his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder. 6 00:00:21,180 --> 00:00:24,980 The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer and a bearded lady. 7 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:30,080 History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name. 8 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,550 - Baldrick! - Yes, sir? 9 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,880 Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing. 10 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,190 How's the King, sir? 11 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,080 About as comfortable as can be expected... 12 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,520 ...for a man who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush. 13 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:48,950 Do you think the Roundheads will find him? 14 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,240 Certainly not. I've assured him that he's as likely to be caught... 15 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:57,030 ...as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises. 16 00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,560 Is that true? 17 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,040 Yes, of course it's true. 18 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,640 Have you ever known me to lie to the King? 19 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:03,790 Yes. 20 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,360 - No. - Exactly. 21 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:12,240 He's absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut. 22 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,680 You can trust me, sir. 23 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,670 Right, Baldrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature. 24 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:23,120 If, by any freak chance, Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk... 25 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,720 ...in the next 90 seconds, remember: 26 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,880 - "The King is not hiding here." - Yes, sir. 27 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,600 # Greensleeves... # 28 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,710 Good evening, citizen. 29 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,400 I am Oliver Cromwell. 30 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:44,350 My men have surrounded your house, and I'm looking for royalist scum. 31 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,880 Is the King hiding here? 32 00:01:58,640 --> 00:01:59,760 No. 33 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,750 On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure? 34 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:07,640 Yes, I am. 35 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,600 I see. 36 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,590 Well then, my proud beauty, 37 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,200 you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you? 38 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,160 Men, come in from the cold, will you? 39 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,270 Now, we'll all have a cup of milk by your fireside. 40 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,960 All right, but don't touch the purple cup. 41 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,280 - Why not? - That's the King's. 42 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,840 Thank you, citizen. You may leave me alone with King Charles. 43 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,800 Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again. 44 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,920 Don't get up. Don't get up. Tell me, have you come far? 45 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,880 I have, sir. 46 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,760 From country squire to Lord Protector of England. 47 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,720 Fascinating, absolutely fascinating. 48 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,040 Tell me, what exactly does a lord protector do? 49 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,880 He spells your doom, sir. 50 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,190 He spells my doom? Wonderful! That's particularly exciting... 51 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,080 ...because so many people these days can't spell at all. 52 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,950 Particularly in the inner cities, which is my area of interest. 53 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:20,040 Speak, sir. But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold. 54 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,840 Jolly good! Fascinating! Carry on. 55 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:27,190 A priest, sir. To help you make your peace with God before you die. 56 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,640 - Oh, hello. - Your Majesty, 57 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,190 I've arranged for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape. 58 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,800 Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest! 59 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,630 How dangerous and stupid... 60 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,360 ...and perverted! It's just like school. 61 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,590 Sire, this is a matter of life and death. 62 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,790 Nonsense, Blackadder. I don't think any jury in England... 63 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,270 ...would bring in a verdict of guilty against me. 64 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,240 Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury. 65 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,790 So, what does it say? Guilty or not guilty? 66 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,790 I'll give you two guesses. 67 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,470 Not guilty. 68 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,520 One more guess. 69 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,680 Oh, damn! 70 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,320 One measly civil war in the entire history of England, 71 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,000 and I'm on the wrong bloody side! 72 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,040 Something wrong, sir? 73 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:26,800 Yes, Baldrick. If the King dies, we royalists are doomed. 74 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,520 We will enter a hideous age of Puritanism. 75 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,350 They'll close all the theatres. 76 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,600 Lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal. 77 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,840 And I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on... 78 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,400 ...this side of Boulogne. 79 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,560 If they so much as suspect our loyalties, 80 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,440 our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop. 81 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,080 Oh, I love chops. 82 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,320 Baldrick, your brain... 83 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:58,480 ...is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen. 84 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,440 - In what way? - It doesn't exist. 85 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,880 - Oh, God. What will we do? - Don't despair, something'll pop up. 86 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,560 Not under Puritanism it won't. 87 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,200 We must do something. 88 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:18,640 We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant. 89 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:19,910 What ant? 90 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,800 That one. 91 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,400 So this is the day of the execution of Charles I. 92 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,920 Absolutely not, Your Majesty. Those Roundhead traitors... 93 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,150 ...have one final hurdle that they will never straddle. 94 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,590 Fascinating. What is that exactly? 95 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,960 They will never find a man to behead you. 96 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,830 They'd have hundreds of volunteers to execute Cromwell, he's so ugly. 97 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,920 He's got so many warts on his face... 98 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,790 ...it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose. 99 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,320 But they'll never find a man to execute you. 100 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,160 Well, I find that absolutely tragic. 101 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,710 There are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this. 102 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,600 All they need is the initiative, somehow. 103 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,350 I suppose, in a sense, that's what my award scheme is all about. 104 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:10,750 - Really? - Yes. 105 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,910 On the other hand, of course, I don't want my head cut off. 106 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,440 - It's a question of balance, like... - Shut up! With respect Your Majesty. 107 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,640 They'll never find an executioner. And if they do, 108 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,320 may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket. 109 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,000 A message for the King. 110 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:43,150 # There's a tavern in the town... # 111 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,710 For God's sake, stop that Baldrick! 112 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,310 It's bad enough having one's life in ruins, without being serenaded... 113 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,790 ...by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster. 114 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,080 I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it. 115 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,360 You see, I've just had a little windfall. 116 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,960 Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden. 117 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,360 No, I mean I've come into some money. 118 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,790 Really? Family inheritance? 119 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,160 No, I ate that ages ago. 120 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,440 Yes, of course. Your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip. 121 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,360 No, it was 50 pounds actually, it was delicious. 122 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,360 But this is just a little something that fell in my lap. 123 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:27,560 Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap. 124 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:32,560 - No, but this one is a job. - Really? I just don't understand it. 125 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,680 Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, 126 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,070 so low and degraded as to accept the job... 127 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,040 ...of beheading the King of England? 128 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,040 - Baldrick? - Yes. 129 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,750 - That little job that fell into your lap... - Yes. 130 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,230 It wasn't by any chance something to do with an axe, a basket, 131 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,710 a little black mask and the King of England? 132 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,870 - No. - Go on. 133 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,870 I couldn't find a basket. 134 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,400 You very small total bastard! 135 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,350 Please, sir, don't kill me. I have a cunning plan to save the King. 136 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,670 Forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. 137 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,640 Your family's record in cunning planning... 138 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,400 ...is about as impressive as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs'... 139 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,710 ...personal best in the Market Harborough marathon. 140 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,150 All right, what's the plan? 141 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,190 A pumpkin... is going to save the king. 142 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,880 But over here, I have one that I prepared earlier. 143 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,040 I'll balance it on the King's head, like this. 144 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,440 Then I'll cover his real head with a cloak... 145 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,640 ...and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, 146 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,950 I'll cut off the pumpkin and the King survives! 147 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,960 - I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. - Why not? 148 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,590 Because once you've cut it off you have to hold it up and say, 149 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,120 "This is the head of a traitor." At which point, they'll shout back, 150 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,280 "No, it's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it." 151 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,600 I suppose it's not 100% convincing. 152 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:23,040 It's not 1% convincing. However, I am a busy man... 153 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,640 ...and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment, 154 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,840 Here's my fist, kindly run towards it as fast as you can. 155 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,590 I just don't understand it. What possessed you to take the job? 156 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,880 I'm sorry, sir. It was just a wild silly foolish plan. 157 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,400 I thought with the money I got from executing the King, 158 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,950 I could sneak out and buy a new king when no one was looking... 159 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,000 ...and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing. 160 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,630 Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. 161 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,200 You'd do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you? 162 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,830 It was a thousand pounds actually sir, plus tip. 163 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,640 Well I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they? 164 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,580 And when it's gonna be done, it's got to be done in single stroke, 165 00:10:11,590 --> 00:10:13,360 by someone who actually owns an axe. 166 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,950 We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon... 167 00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,560 ...with your cheap penknife of yours. 168 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,550 It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles... 169 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,330 ...staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning... 170 00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:24,560 ...with his neck flapping like fish's gills. 171 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,920 - Sir, you don't mean? - Yep, I'm doing it. 172 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,840 Lend me your costume, then go immediately to the King, 173 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,600 and inform him that Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow. 174 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:39,160 And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse. 175 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,720 So that's why he can't be here. Sorry. 176 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,920 I see. I quite understand, yes. 177 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,880 Sir, the moment has arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker? 178 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:56,200 I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life... 179 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,800 ...but yes, particularly manufacturing industry. 180 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,400 Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, 181 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,920 - and let's get on with it. - Right. 182 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,150 Well, I'm sorry, my friend. I'm alone here today. 183 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:18,110 I'd hoped that my loyal chum Sir Edmund Blackadder would be here, 184 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:23,280 but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch. 185 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,350 So, naturally, he can't be with us. 186 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,640 All I can do is bid you do your duty well. 187 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,120 Well, thank you, Your Majesty. 188 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,600 May I say how much I mourn for your lot, 189 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:42,680 and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly. 190 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,280 Thank you. I take great solace from that. 191 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,720 Sir Thomas More, for instance. A great generous man to the last. 192 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,720 He apparently tipped his executioner, handsomely. 193 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:56,000 I'm so sorry, I thought service was included. 194 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:57,600 Here you are. 195 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,550 - And then there was the Earl of Essex. - Was there? 196 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,080 A truly great man. 197 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:08,320 They still sing his famous ballad in The Chepstow Arms. 198 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:09,550 What ballad is that? 199 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,840 # The Earl he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no # 200 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,830 # He gave them all away to the man with the axe... oh. # 201 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,560 - A thousand sovereigns? - You can't take it with you, Majesty. 202 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,760 Very true. There you are. Keep the change. 203 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,230 Thank you, Your Majesty. Right, should we go? 204 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,840 Just a moment! 205 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,990 That voice has a strangely familiar ring. 206 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,800 And so does that finger. 207 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,640 Blackadder! 208 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,800 Hello, Your Majesty! 209 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,190 You cunning swine! 210 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:45,960 Yes, well... 211 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,560 Marvellous! Splendid! 212 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,920 You've duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan... 213 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,120 ...to help me and my infant son escape to France. 214 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,790 Yes, that's right. Yes. 215 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,750 So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away. 216 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,640 Yes, let's... 217 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,720 - Well, you start the ball rolling. - No, no, after you. 218 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,280 Right... yes... 219 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,640 Oh, yes, right. And it's a very good plan. 220 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,590 It's a staggering bowel-shatteringly good plan. 221 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:26,160 - Is the King ready? - He is. Come, Your Majesty. 222 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,800 This is the head of a traitor. 223 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,560 No, it's not. It's a huge pumpkin... 224 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,160 ...with a pathetic moustache drawn on it. 225 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:57,200 Oh yes, so it is. Sorry. I'll try again. 226 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,760 Well sir, they can't say you didn't try. 227 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,110 Now the future of the British monarchy... 228 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,360 ...lies fast asleep in your arms, in the person of this infant prince. 229 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,230 And with the money you've earned you and he can escape to France. 230 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,800 Well, quite. 231 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,750 On the other hand, you can stay here and as a known loyalist, 232 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,880 the Roundheads will come and cut your head off. 233 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,680 Exactly, Baldrick. 234 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,310 - Oh, my God. - Surround the house, men. 235 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,550 Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do? 236 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,040 At times like this Baldrick, there's no choice for a man of honour. 237 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,400 He must stand and fight and die in defence of his future sovereign. 238 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,520 Unfortunately, I'm not a man of honour. 239 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,670 Thank God you've come! Seize the royalist scum! 20191

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