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ANNOUNCER [V.O.]:
Previously on Big Time...
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Mr. Scoles?
3
00:00:11,252 --> 00:00:12,462
That's me.
4
00:00:12,564 --> 00:00:16,334
Turns out that Del got
my oldest son hooked on drugs.
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00:00:16,430 --> 00:00:19,020
Hey, Del... you stay away
from Ben and Jack Dolfe.
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00:00:19,122 --> 00:00:20,782
We need you, Del, okay?
7
00:00:20,882 --> 00:00:22,512
BEN [ON PHONE]
Cuba Gooding Jr.'s here and he wants to work with us.
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00:00:22,608 --> 00:00:24,018
My best friend needs me.
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Stupid junkies... never learn.
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[BEN]
What the hell was that, Jack?
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00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:31,405
[JACK]
I don't know, but I think Cuba just got kidnapped.
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00:00:31,514 --> 00:00:34,144
Oh, my god--
who the hell are you?
13
00:00:34,241 --> 00:00:35,861
We're gonna have
to have a little talk.
14
00:00:35,966 --> 00:00:37,176
What?
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00:00:37,278 --> 00:00:38,308
Drive.
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00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,324
SCOLES [V.O.]
I have this dream.
17
00:00:43,422 --> 00:00:47,772
[ METRONOME TICKING ]
18
00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:51,395
SCOLES [V.O.]
I'm just a boy in my pappy's ranch.
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00:00:53,018 --> 00:00:58,228
And standing right there across
from me is Pappy himself.
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00:00:58,334 --> 00:01:02,554
See, Pappy died
when I was just a boy.
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00:01:02,648 --> 00:01:08,408
But in my dream, he's just
standing there looking at me.
22
00:01:08,516 --> 00:01:09,966
And I yell over to him,
I say...
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00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,250
"Hey, Pappy!
What are you doin' over there?"
24
00:01:15,178 --> 00:01:18,768
But Pappy don't say nothing...
25
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:21,631
so I pull out a snubnose
and I plug him twice...
26
00:01:21,736 --> 00:01:25,326
right in the chest,
no hesitation.
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00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:30,500
I'm looking down at his wound,
blood running down his chest.
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00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:31,917
But when I look up...
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00:01:32,022 --> 00:01:35,582
I realize I'm the one
that's bleeding out.
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00:01:35,681 --> 00:01:39,721
And old Pappy...
ain't even there.
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Then I wake up, and...
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00:01:46,554 --> 00:01:50,214
I've spent the better part of my
life trying to figure it out.
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00:01:51,732 --> 00:01:55,292
Suddenly I realize
that Pappy don't answer...
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00:01:55,391 --> 00:01:59,841
because there is no answer.
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00:01:59,947 --> 00:02:02,737
There's just death
and that's it.
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00:02:04,848 --> 00:02:06,948
So I'm gonna ask you a question.
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00:02:07,057 --> 00:02:11,717
And... when I start asking
questions...
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00:02:11,821 --> 00:02:13,581
I'm gonna need an answer.
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00:02:13,685 --> 00:02:15,405
Okay?
40
00:02:16,791 --> 00:02:20,931
Or you're all just as good
as dead, you understand?
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00:02:24,109 --> 00:02:26,079
Um, yeah.
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00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,560
I'm sorry...
who are you again?
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00:02:28,665 --> 00:02:30,625
Harvey Scoles.
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00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:37,116
Pleasure to make your
acquaintance.
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00:02:37,226 --> 00:02:42,846
♪ Rainbow
whoa oh whoa oh ♪
46
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♪ Rainbow
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Okay, um, sir?
48
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,140
If I can just-- if this
is about what happened...
49
00:02:54,243 --> 00:02:57,453
on the last episode
of To Catch a Paparazzi...
50
00:02:57,556 --> 00:03:00,106
it was really just, I think,
a huge misunderstanding.
51
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,804
To catch a papa what?
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00:03:01,905 --> 00:03:02,835
It's a show.
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00:03:02,941 --> 00:03:04,871
We ambush paparazzi scum...Yeah.
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00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,287
...and we shove a camera in
their face and we ask them...
55
00:03:06,393 --> 00:03:08,843
how they like it? It's--
56
00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:09,977
A show, huh?
57
00:03:10,086 --> 00:03:11,256
Yeah, I guess, sure.
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00:03:11,363 --> 00:03:13,403
In hindsight, it didn't do well.Yeah.
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00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:16,400
I got an idea for a show.
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00:03:16,506 --> 00:03:19,886
It's called
How To Catch a Prick.
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00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:25,522
Yeah, and you guys
are in the first episode.
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00:03:25,619 --> 00:03:26,999
Are you shooting it
right now?
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00:03:27,103 --> 00:03:29,863
See, what happens is,
I take my .38 special...
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00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:32,898
and I stick it right
in the mouth of a prick.
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00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,765
Oh!And then I say...
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Is it loaded?Oh!
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00:03:37,631 --> 00:03:39,811
Hold on! Hold on!
Hold on, okay?
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00:03:39,909 --> 00:03:41,499
Wait, wait, wait, wait!Wait for what? Shut up, you!
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00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,150
Hold on! Del will blow you!Oh, no!
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00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,257
Yeah, Del, suck his [BLEEP]!
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00:03:47,848 --> 00:03:50,708
Listen, you better start talking
and tell me what you're hiding!
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00:03:50,816 --> 00:03:52,746
We're not hiding anything,
I swear to God, okay!
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00:03:52,853 --> 00:03:55,343
Cuba Gooding Jr.
made us do this!
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00:03:55,442 --> 00:03:56,792
Agh!
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00:03:56,891 --> 00:03:59,651
Okay! Okay! We'll tell you
whatever you want!
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00:03:59,756 --> 00:04:03,136
I promise you, we will tell you
whatever you want to know.
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00:04:04,313 --> 00:04:08,463
All right, then, let's start
from the beginning.
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00:04:08,558 --> 00:04:12,008
[ SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:04:13,494 --> 00:04:16,644
Oh, gosh-darn it, did I forget
a butter substitute?
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00:04:16,739 --> 00:04:18,149
That's gonna be a biggie.
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00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,878
[DIANA] Alan? Alan!Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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00:04:20,984 --> 00:04:23,574
Here, here... come on.[DIANA] Okay.
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00:04:23,677 --> 00:04:26,127
It's a surprise.Where are we?
84
00:04:26,231 --> 00:04:29,581
Okay, now have a seat.
Sit down, there's a chair.Oh, sitting. Ah! Oh!
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00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:32,243
And... walla.
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00:04:32,341 --> 00:04:36,141
Oh!I have prepared a romantic
evening for the two of us.
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00:04:36,241 --> 00:04:37,001
Oh, Alan...
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00:04:37,104 --> 00:04:38,594
We have pot roast.Uh-huh.
89
00:04:38,692 --> 00:04:41,352
We have demi-glaced carrots.Mmm.
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00:04:41,453 --> 00:04:42,663
Actually, you know what?
91
00:04:42,765 --> 00:04:45,455
I'm not really sure that
demi-glaced is the correct term.
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00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:47,251
It looks wonderful.
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00:04:47,356 --> 00:04:49,806
How about a little wine,
my lady?Oh, please.
94
00:04:49,910 --> 00:04:51,190
Oh, a screw top, huh?
95
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,221
Well, you know, many modern,
expensive wines...
96
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,047
actually use screw tops now.
97
00:04:55,156 --> 00:04:56,946
So that's an expensive bottle,
huh?
98
00:04:57,055 --> 00:04:58,435
This one in particular?Mm-hm.
99
00:04:58,539 --> 00:04:59,539
No.
100
00:05:01,853 --> 00:05:03,683
[JACK] I mean, basically, we
didn't want to get kicked out...
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00:05:03,786 --> 00:05:07,166
of our house and obviously
we didn't mean for Jimmy to get hurt.
102
00:05:07,272 --> 00:05:09,622
[JACK] And we don't know what
the hell is going on with Cuba.
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00:05:09,723 --> 00:05:12,933
[JACK] I mean, we just want
to make our movies.
104
00:05:13,036 --> 00:05:14,826
And that's pretty much it.
105
00:05:14,935 --> 00:05:16,585
Yep.
106
00:05:22,874 --> 00:05:26,674
So this Jimmy Staats
was an actor.
107
00:05:26,774 --> 00:05:28,054
Is that what you're saying?
108
00:05:28,155 --> 00:05:30,875
Yes, sir, he was a--
he was an actor.
109
00:05:30,985 --> 00:05:32,565
Right...
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00:05:32,677 --> 00:05:37,197
and together you got him killed.
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00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:39,512
We-- we really didn't mean
for it to happen.
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00:05:39,615 --> 00:05:41,265
No, no, it was--You have to believe us.
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It was an accident.
We are so, so sorry.
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00:05:43,964 --> 00:05:45,284
You have to understand.
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00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,549
I swear, we didn't mean for it--
just how-- it just happened.
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00:05:47,657 --> 00:05:50,207
Please, please, don't kill us.
117
00:06:03,328 --> 00:06:08,298
You know... you three
are probably the biggest morons on the whole planet.
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00:06:09,748 --> 00:06:11,918
We really are.
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00:06:12,026 --> 00:06:14,266
[JACK]
We are the stupid--
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00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,004
And Del is the dumbest one.He's-- he is.
121
00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:25,697
No, no, no, no.
I am positive of this.
122
00:06:25,799 --> 00:06:28,909
It was on the third date
that I cooked for you...
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00:06:29,009 --> 00:06:31,769
because that is when
I won you over.
124
00:06:31,874 --> 00:06:35,774
Oh, no, not with your cooking,
Alan.
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00:06:35,878 --> 00:06:38,498
It was that leather jacket.
126
00:06:38,605 --> 00:06:40,465
I might just still have that.
127
00:06:40,572 --> 00:06:43,092
Ooh, I hope so.
128
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,605
Mm.Mm.
129
00:06:44,714 --> 00:06:47,724
Uh, a little more wine?Mm-hm.
130
00:06:47,821 --> 00:06:49,371
That screw top wine's delicious.
131
00:06:49,478 --> 00:06:51,508
It only cost $3.99.
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00:06:51,618 --> 00:06:53,028
[DIANA]
No way.
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[SCOLES] Here you go, buddy.[JACK] Yeah!
134
00:06:54,724 --> 00:06:56,284
Here you go, here.
135
00:06:56,381 --> 00:06:58,381
[ LAUGHING ]
136
00:06:58,487 --> 00:07:00,137
It is harsh.
137
00:07:00,247 --> 00:07:02,527
I never drank before.
138
00:07:02,629 --> 00:07:06,289
You're so stupid, you let your
little brother convince you...
139
00:07:06,391 --> 00:07:08,191
that you were a dope addict.
140
00:07:08,289 --> 00:07:11,639
Yeah, I went to rehab...
and it was awful.
141
00:07:11,741 --> 00:07:14,991
He's a jackass. You'll do
anything he says, won't you?
142
00:07:15,089 --> 00:07:18,509
Yeah, I guess I will.
143
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:20,854
[JACK] Ooh.
144
00:07:20,957 --> 00:07:22,747
Move over. Move over, guys.Ah, get in here,
sit down with us.
145
00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:25,816
Let me sit down.No, you're the best!
146
00:07:25,928 --> 00:07:29,728
Oh, easy, Del! He holds his
liquor like a 90-pound girl.
147
00:07:29,828 --> 00:07:32,418
Except he weighs about as much
as a double-wide trailer.
148
00:07:32,521 --> 00:07:33,351
I'm fat.
149
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,323
He lives in a trailer!
150
00:07:36,317 --> 00:07:39,007
Even I can afford to live
in a motel.
151
00:07:40,736 --> 00:07:44,326
Hey, remember, you remember
I kept sticking that gun in your mouth?
152
00:07:44,429 --> 00:07:45,359
Yeah.
153
00:07:46,673 --> 00:07:50,373
Is is loaded? Like,
is it loaded? Is it loaded?
154
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,680
That's me!
155
00:07:51,781 --> 00:07:53,991
[ GUN FIRES ]Agh!
156
00:07:54,094 --> 00:07:57,684
[ ALL YELLING ]
157
00:08:01,204 --> 00:08:03,724
Oh, my god! Oh!
158
00:08:03,828 --> 00:08:06,068
What was that, Jack?I don't know! I don't know!
159
00:08:06,175 --> 00:08:08,245
What happened?I have no idea!
160
00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:11,459
He just-- he put a gun in his
mouth, asked if it was loaded...
161
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,220
and then shot himself!
162
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,420
Why would he do that
to himself?
163
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:15,868
I don't know!
164
00:08:15,978 --> 00:08:18,008
[ HEAVY BREATHING ]
165
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Del!
166
00:08:23,019 --> 00:08:24,949
I don't think he's
gonna make it, Jack!
167
00:08:25,056 --> 00:08:27,266
What are you doing?
168
00:08:27,368 --> 00:08:29,918
Have you seen
a single episode of CSI?
169
00:08:30,026 --> 00:08:31,266
Miami or New York?
170
00:08:31,372 --> 00:08:34,342
Your DNA is all
over the f- body!
171
00:08:34,444 --> 00:08:35,964
Jack!
172
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:38,547
What are we gonna do?
The police are definitely gonna know we were here!
173
00:08:38,656 --> 00:08:40,866
Yes, don't you think
I know that? Shut up!
174
00:08:40,968 --> 00:08:44,448
Well, do you really want to try
and explain that to them?
175
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:47,628
Think, think, think...
176
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,324
No!Okay, okay, okay--
177
00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:50,625
Okay, here's the plan.
178
00:08:50,737 --> 00:08:53,147
We gotta wash all your goddamn
saliva off the body!
179
00:08:53,256 --> 00:08:54,526
Yes, yes!
180
00:08:54,637 --> 00:08:56,427
We need to clean up any evidence
that proves we were here.
181
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,946
Yes.When the cops come in...
182
00:08:58,054 --> 00:09:01,024
we want them to go,
"Yep, classic suicide...
183
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:03,086
"case closed, let's get
some doughnuts."
184
00:09:03,197 --> 00:09:04,957
But it was a suicide.
185
00:09:05,061 --> 00:09:06,651
Which is exactly what they
would have thought...
186
00:09:06,753 --> 00:09:09,073
if you hadn't slobbered
all over his goddamn body!
187
00:09:09,169 --> 00:09:11,969
I am CPR certified!
188
00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:14,518
You shut up!Agh! Agh!
189
00:09:14,623 --> 00:09:16,423
Alan, you are so bad!
190
00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:18,141
No, no, no, I'm not--
I'm just saying...
191
00:09:18,247 --> 00:09:21,247
now that the boys are out
of the house, maybe every once in a while, we could--
192
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:24,633
Oh, honey, honey, please,
please, let's just--
193
00:09:24,736 --> 00:09:26,006
Let's enjoy this walk.Okay.
194
00:09:26,117 --> 00:09:28,187
Name me three things better
than a good walk.
195
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:30,711
Oh, I can name you three.Oh, you--
196
00:09:30,811 --> 00:09:34,191
But no, I was gonna say
walking to the bedroom--You stop.
197
00:09:35,644 --> 00:09:37,544
Oh, no.Oh, my!
198
00:09:37,646 --> 00:09:39,226
[ALAN]
For the love of Saint Pete.
199
00:09:39,337 --> 00:09:40,857
Oh, god.No.
200
00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:43,409
Well, at least Ben
has an alibi this time.
201
00:09:43,513 --> 00:09:45,593
Oh, gosh,
this is on there good.
202
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:49,689
Yeah, they got it
in my mouth.
203
00:09:53,006 --> 00:09:55,906
Harvey Scoles, P.I.
Private investigator.
204
00:09:56,009 --> 00:09:57,249
He's a private investigator?
205
00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:59,175
Hello? I mean--
206
00:09:59,288 --> 00:10:03,908
Harvey Scoles, Room 19, yeah,
I'm gonna need a ton of bleach.
207
00:10:04,017 --> 00:10:06,707
Uh, why? Because I, uh--
208
00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:07,643
[BLEEP] himself.
209
00:10:07,745 --> 00:10:09,185
I crapped myself.
210
00:10:09,298 --> 00:10:12,338
No, don't come in,
it's everywhere, floor, ceiling, walls.
211
00:10:12,439 --> 00:10:14,819
So, yeah, can you just drop
it off at the door?
212
00:10:14,924 --> 00:10:17,034
Okay, thanks, Toots.
213
00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:20,653
Oh, Jack, why the hell
is a private investigator following us?
214
00:10:20,758 --> 00:10:21,828
I mean, come on!
215
00:10:21,931 --> 00:10:23,661
I have no freakin' clue.
216
00:10:23,761 --> 00:10:24,931
I don't even think he was
following us.
217
00:10:25,038 --> 00:10:26,488
I thought he was following Del.
218
00:10:26,591 --> 00:10:28,631
What?Del, why the hell was a privat--
219
00:10:29,974 --> 00:10:32,774
Goddamn it!
What are you doing?
220
00:10:32,873 --> 00:10:34,743
I thought I saw him breathe!
221
00:10:34,841 --> 00:10:37,081
He's not breathing!
He shot himself in the head!
222
00:10:37,188 --> 00:10:38,668
[ GUN FIRES ]Oh! Oh!
223
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,850
What the hell was that?
224
00:10:43,953 --> 00:10:46,753
I think he shot himself
in the head again.
225
00:10:46,853 --> 00:10:48,963
What?
226
00:10:49,062 --> 00:10:51,272
What? Jack?
227
00:10:51,374 --> 00:10:54,484
You stupid asshole...
228
00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:57,524
Okay, maybe the first bullet
didn't kill him.
229
00:10:57,622 --> 00:11:00,592
So he decided that yes,
he still wanted to die...
230
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:05,014
and shot himself again
a second time.
231
00:11:07,770 --> 00:11:08,770
Okay.
232
00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:10,565
Still suicide.
233
00:11:13,017 --> 00:11:17,017
Okay... okay.
234
00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:22,990
Okay.
235
00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:24,646
[DIANA] Look at that.[ALAN] Look at us.
236
00:11:24,753 --> 00:11:26,823
[DIANA] Look at you.[ALAN] The gruesome threesome.
237
00:11:26,927 --> 00:11:30,137
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
238
00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:32,171
[DIANA] Oh, this is fun.[ALAN] Uh-oh!
239
00:11:32,277 --> 00:11:34,827
Oh! Do you remember that?
240
00:11:34,935 --> 00:11:36,515
Of course, I do.Oh, my god.
241
00:11:36,626 --> 00:11:39,976
World's #1 Bald Asshole.
242
00:11:40,078 --> 00:11:43,388
Yeah, you know, I gotta say,
even though that kind of hurt my feelings a little bit...
243
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,665
it's still pretty creative
for a six-year-old.
244
00:11:45,774 --> 00:11:49,954
It's so smart.Smart boy.
245
00:11:50,054 --> 00:11:51,574
Ah!Ah!
246
00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:53,776
Mm.Mm-hm.
247
00:11:53,885 --> 00:11:58,505
What do you say
we go to our room? Hm?
248
00:11:58,614 --> 00:11:59,824
For real?Want to?
249
00:11:59,926 --> 00:12:03,066
Yeah, I say to that, my lady...
250
00:12:03,170 --> 00:12:06,210
A-okay.
251
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,699
I got it.
252
00:12:10,799 --> 00:12:11,969
Oh, thank god.
253
00:12:12,076 --> 00:12:14,006
Hopefully the police won't
notice there's two holes.
254
00:12:14,112 --> 00:12:15,392
We are ready for bleach.
255
00:12:15,493 --> 00:12:17,633
Okay, good, put some on his lips
and a little on his head...
256
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,597
because Del just fished out the
bullet with his bare hand.
257
00:12:22,603 --> 00:12:24,613
Oh! What the hell
are you doing?
258
00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:26,399
I'm pouring the bleach on him.
259
00:12:26,504 --> 00:12:28,204
Yeah, well, you're dumping it
all over the place.
260
00:12:28,299 --> 00:12:30,469
So.So?
261
00:12:30,577 --> 00:12:33,927
What, he just shot himself
in the head and then kind of showered himself in bleach?
262
00:12:34,029 --> 00:12:35,549
You know what?
I don't know, Jack!
263
00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:38,381
Because this is the first
time I watched someone commit suicide...
264
00:12:38,481 --> 00:12:42,281
then tried to cover it up
to make it look like he committed suicide!
265
00:12:42,382 --> 00:12:46,632
Okay, well, great. Del,
help me get his clothes off.
266
00:12:46,731 --> 00:12:48,561
Goddamn it.
267
00:12:48,664 --> 00:12:51,124
Sick and tired of doing
everything myself.
268
00:12:51,218 --> 00:12:54,838
What? We are only in this
situation because of you!
269
00:12:54,946 --> 00:12:56,666
Because of me?Yeah!
270
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,396
I can't wait to hear this one.
271
00:12:58,501 --> 00:12:59,741
Oh, you want to hear this?Yeah.
272
00:12:59,848 --> 00:13:00,568
All right, does this sound
familiar?
273
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,441
Hey, Ben, how about we extort
$20,000 from our parents...
274
00:13:04,542 --> 00:13:06,132
because that sounds like a good
idea.
275
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:10,893
Oh, yeah, and if the police
hadn't showed up, we would have $20,000!
276
00:13:10,997 --> 00:13:13,337
Oh... my god!Oh! Goddamn it!
277
00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:14,787
What the hell is that?
278
00:13:14,897 --> 00:13:18,797
He's still alive.
279
00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:22,111
Okay, I googled it,
it's called a "death erection".
280
00:13:22,387 --> 00:13:23,597
Ugh...Ugh...
281
00:13:23,699 --> 00:13:25,149
It happens when you die
from severe head trauma.
282
00:13:25,425 --> 00:13:26,935
So, it's legit.
283
00:13:27,047 --> 00:13:30,567
Yeah, that is your legit,
classic suicide, just like you wanted.
284
00:13:30,671 --> 00:13:32,711
Okay, okay, hold on.
285
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,372
I think we can use this.
286
00:13:34,468 --> 00:13:38,398
What is this guy? This guy is a
desperate, lonely drunk.
287
00:13:38,507 --> 00:13:41,437
So what do desperate, lonely
guys with erections do in motel rooms?
288
00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:43,754
Apparently, he shoots himself
twice in the head...
289
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,337
and then douses himself
in bleach.
290
00:13:45,445 --> 00:13:46,855
No.
291
00:13:48,586 --> 00:13:50,446
What are you doing?I got an idea.
292
00:13:50,553 --> 00:13:52,763
Yes! His phone!
293
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,586
Here we go.
294
00:13:54,695 --> 00:13:58,105
Seven calls this week
to a D.D... D.D.
295
00:13:58,389 --> 00:13:59,739
D.D...Danny Devito.
296
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:00,769
Donald Duck.
297
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,464
Like Double D.Boobs!
298
00:14:02,565 --> 00:14:06,495
Yes! Some slut comes to visit
him in the motel room, that's perfect!
299
00:14:06,604 --> 00:14:09,854
Gentlemen, I give you the
ultimate physical evidence...
300
00:14:09,952 --> 00:14:13,822
of a sexually frustrated drunk
at the end of his rope...
301
00:14:13,922 --> 00:14:16,482
An ill-advised dick pic
sent to a hooker.
302
00:14:16,579 --> 00:14:18,439
What if D.D. is a guy?
303
00:14:18,547 --> 00:14:20,757
None of that matters anymore,
Ben. Join the 21st century.
304
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,720
Del, take his dick out.Okay.
305
00:14:23,586 --> 00:14:24,546
[ALAN]
Kitty cat...
306
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,556
[ DIANA GIGGLING ]
307
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,589
You're such an animal.
308
00:14:29,696 --> 00:14:31,726
Oh, come on, it's 3:00
in the morning!Oh!
309
00:14:31,836 --> 00:14:33,866
Oh, well, honey, let's just
check. It could be the boys.[ALAN] Leave it alone.
310
00:14:33,976 --> 00:14:35,046
I don't want it to be the boys.
311
00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:37,360
Well, let's just see.
Just in case.
312
00:14:37,462 --> 00:14:40,882
Okay... so who's arm
is that?
313
00:14:47,472 --> 00:14:51,552
And, uh... sincerely--
314
00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:54,339
No wait... love.
315
00:14:54,445 --> 00:14:57,095
Love... Harvey.
316
00:14:58,414 --> 00:15:00,044
Harvey.
317
00:15:00,140 --> 00:15:01,970
Okay, read it back.
318
00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:04,143
I killed myself. Love, Harvey.
319
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:07,180
Yeah, good, all right,
let's put it on his chest...
320
00:15:07,458 --> 00:15:09,838
change our clothes
and get the hell out of here.
321
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,573
Alan, please, let me explain
the situation.
322
00:15:12,670 --> 00:15:14,400
Hey, I've already seen
the situation...
323
00:15:14,499 --> 00:15:16,609
and that horse made me
feel like half of a man!
324
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,438
Alan, look at me.
Listen to me.
325
00:15:19,539 --> 00:15:21,439
I promise you I am not
having an affair.
326
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:24,161
This picture came from a private
investigator that I hired...
327
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,550
to keep an eye out on the boys!
328
00:15:26,649 --> 00:15:27,889
Private investigator?
329
00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:30,926
Yes, I always knew he was weird,
but this is just crazy.
330
00:15:31,033 --> 00:15:33,423
I love you,Alan.
I love you.
331
00:15:33,518 --> 00:15:36,038
I would never want
anyone else.
332
00:15:36,142 --> 00:15:38,702
Well, that doesn't make me
any less ticked off!
333
00:15:38,799 --> 00:15:42,149
We had a discussion about the
private investigator!
334
00:15:42,424 --> 00:15:44,434
And you went around
behind my back anyway.
335
00:15:44,529 --> 00:15:46,949
Well, I was worried about
the boys. I wanted to be sure they were safe.
336
00:15:47,049 --> 00:15:49,909
I know how to look out
for my own children.
337
00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:53,018
Alan, I love you, honey, but
you're not that kind of man.
338
00:15:53,124 --> 00:15:54,784
You're a sweet man.
339
00:15:54,884 --> 00:15:57,444
That's a good thing.
340
00:15:57,542 --> 00:16:01,412
Well, if you need this sweet
man, he's gonna be down on the couch.
341
00:16:01,512 --> 00:16:04,622
Sweetie? Sweetie, I'm sorry!
342
00:16:11,522 --> 00:16:16,392
Okay... yeah.
What do we think?
343
00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:23,024
Great, all right!
Let's go!
344
00:16:39,446 --> 00:16:41,376
[FEMALE OPERATOR]
You have reached the voicemail box of...
345
00:16:41,483 --> 00:16:42,903
[SCOLES]
Harvey Scoles.
346
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:47,112
Hey, there, Mr. Private
Investigator, listen up!
347
00:16:47,385 --> 00:16:49,725
This is Alan Dolfe.
348
00:16:49,836 --> 00:16:53,906
I'm calling you and warning
you to stay the hell away from my wife!
349
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,773
How dare you send her
a picture of your--
350
00:16:55,876 --> 00:16:57,876
[OPERATOR] If you're satisfied
with your message, press 1...What? Oh, oh--
351
00:16:57,982 --> 00:16:58,982
...or hang up.Come on.
352
00:16:59,087 --> 00:17:00,847
To re-record, press 2.Oh, gosh-dang it!
353
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:02,810
Or just say, record message.No!
354
00:17:02,918 --> 00:17:05,988
Record message?
355
00:17:06,094 --> 00:17:10,824
Hello, this is Alan Dolfe.
Listen up, you S.O.B.
356
00:17:10,926 --> 00:17:13,026
I just happened to see
that little--
357
00:17:13,135 --> 00:17:16,725
oh, and I do mean little,
picture you sent my wife!
358
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:19,558
I will thank you
to keep away from her...
359
00:17:19,659 --> 00:17:21,389
and you will thank me for not
coming over there and whompin'--
360
00:17:21,488 --> 00:17:22,458
[OPERATOR]
If you're satisfied with your message, press 1.
361
00:17:22,558 --> 00:17:26,628
No! No! Son of a bitch!
362
00:17:26,735 --> 00:17:29,525
...or just say, record message.Re-record message.
363
00:17:31,705 --> 00:17:36,115
You are gonna pay for what
you did to my wife.
364
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,540
Oh, good heavens...
365
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:49,377
Okay, I've been thinking about
it, and I think that what we should do...
366
00:17:49,482 --> 00:17:52,522
if anybody asks, is just say
that, I don't know, we were out--
367
00:17:52,623 --> 00:17:54,383
I'm done, Jack.What?
368
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:56,517
I'm done.
369
00:17:56,627 --> 00:18:00,837
I don't want to invent
any more stories, or stick to the plan anymore.
370
00:18:00,941 --> 00:18:04,191
I just want to have a normal
life, like Mom and Dad are always saying.
371
00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:06,332
What are you talking about?
372
00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:09,160
I mean, even Harvey said it. He
said, you listen to everything your brother tells you.
373
00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:12,023
You do whatever he says, like
I'm your puppet or something.
374
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:14,085
Harvey? What?
375
00:18:14,196 --> 00:18:16,406
Yes, it's been a hell
of a night...
376
00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:19,369
but we are so close, okay?
377
00:18:19,477 --> 00:18:20,747
We're not close!And if Cuba Gooding--
378
00:18:20,858 --> 00:18:23,478
We're not close, Jack.
379
00:18:23,585 --> 00:18:26,445
We've-- we've never
even been close.
380
00:18:27,589 --> 00:18:29,519
Do you want to quit the dream?
381
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:33,555
The dream?
382
00:18:33,664 --> 00:18:37,704
In the last week,
I've gotten a man killed...
383
00:18:37,806 --> 00:18:41,426
lied to the police,
tried to flee the country...
384
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:46,684
checked myself into rehab, was
almost raped, and then pumped full of lithium...
385
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:53,130
broke into some random family's
house, and tortured some school teacher...
386
00:18:53,408 --> 00:18:57,788
was kidnapped, and then had a
gun shot into my mouth...
387
00:18:57,895 --> 00:19:02,655
which, by the way, was one
chamber from killing me!
388
00:19:02,762 --> 00:19:04,492
It's been a bad week!
389
00:19:04,591 --> 00:19:05,631
You think?
390
00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:06,900
How is that my fault?
391
00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:09,177
You know what? The crazy thing
is, it's not your fault.
392
00:19:09,458 --> 00:19:14,188
It's just as much my fault
for listening to anything you ever say!
393
00:19:14,463 --> 00:19:17,923
Okay, if you really want out,
there's the door!
394
00:19:20,055 --> 00:19:22,155
Good! I'm gonna go then!
395
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:24,777
Fine.
396
00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:29,167
I guess you're just not
cut out for the Biz.
397
00:19:29,444 --> 00:19:31,074
I guess you're right.
398
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:40,460
So long, brother.
399
00:19:44,044 --> 00:19:46,434
You know, we can still
be a team, Jack.
400
00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:50,500
[JACK]
I'm not in the mood for jokes, Del.
401
00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,053
[MALLOY]
Got the pictures?
402
00:20:33,956 --> 00:20:37,056
[MALLOY] Bingo. All right,
everybody listen up.
403
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:39,546
My name is Special Agent
Everett Malloy.
404
00:20:39,824 --> 00:20:44,424
From now on, you will answer
to me and only me.
405
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:49,319
Congratulations... this
investigation just went federal.
406
00:20:57,186 --> 00:20:58,456
Hey, Dad.
407
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:00,880
Ben?
408
00:21:00,983 --> 00:21:04,993
I'm clean.
409
00:21:14,342 --> 00:21:17,352
We need to give the people
a taste of what's to come.
410
00:21:17,448 --> 00:21:19,968
I want to be the son
that you can be proud of.
411
00:21:20,244 --> 00:21:23,354
I need a warrant for
surveillance on the Dolfe home.
412
00:21:23,454 --> 00:21:24,844
Hey.Hi.
413
00:21:24,938 --> 00:21:26,318
It looks pretty far, Jack.
414
00:21:26,423 --> 00:21:27,633
Action.
415
00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:31,734
[ LOUD THUD ][DEL] Agh!
416
00:21:31,784 --> 00:21:36,334
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