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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,920
[ Hissing ]
2
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,400
Come on!
Xena rocks!
3
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,960
Aphrodite blows!
4
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:21,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
5
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,560
Delinquent losers!
6
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,880
I've got half a mind
to hit you with--
[ Man ] A love bolt?
7
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,160
Hardly seems a threat.
My, my,
8
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:51,520
they certainly
made a mess here.
9
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,880
[ Sniffles ]
Back off, Ar.
I'm bummed out enough.
10
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,760
You know
what your problem is?
Duh.
11
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,160
Your little Xena.
[ Huffs ]
12
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,480
[ Imitates Buzzer ]
Gabrielle, her friend.
13
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:08,280
See, I only made
the warrior.
She made the legend.
14
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,160
Have you read any of her
so-called stories? Huh.
15
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,520
"A warrior who loves
the common person."
16
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,440
You'd think
she was a goddess.
17
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:19,800
Pretty soon,
when people think of "love,"
18
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,680
they're gonna think Xena,
not Aphrodite.
19
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,360
Xena?
Don't blame her.
20
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,080
It's Gabrielle
and her busy quill.
21
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,320
That's your problem.
22
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,880
I love starting
a new scroll.
23
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,240
The feel of it
in your hands, the look.
24
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:47,880
So clean.
So perfectly empty.
25
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:52,680
Listen. The way it crinkles
the first time you open it.
26
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,480
And that smell.
[ Sniffs Deeply ]
27
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,320
It's just a special,
untouched scent.
28
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,160
Try it.
It smells like musty
old leather to me.
29
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,840
Well,
to the non-creative
person perhaps.
30
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,880
Let's see.
Your last adventure
began with--
31
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,240
Don't you ever get tired
of just writing down what I do?
32
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,600
Why don't you create new
characters, new images?
33
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,520
You mean fiction?
34
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,600
Well, I thought
about trying that...
35
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,720
someday.
36
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,080
- Do you really
think I could?
- Give it a shot... quietly.
37
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:35,000
- Good night.
- Xena--
38
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,880
And make someone else
the hero for a change.
39
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,880
"Xena had gone fishing.
40
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:53,160
"The lone warrior,
Gabrielle,
41
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:57,000
"awoke with a jerk...
42
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,360
"as five barbarians
rode out of the woods.
43
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,680
"Twirling her trusty staff,
44
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,480
she delivered her kicks
with such fury."
45
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,760
This fiction stuff
can be really fun.
46
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,040
Oh, yeah.
A lot of fun.
47
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,520
[ Men Yelling ]
[ Gasps ]
48
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,120
[ Yelling Continues ]
49
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,520
Xena!
50
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,400
[ Neighing ]
[ Gabrielle ]
We've got company!
51
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:46,800
Xena!
Wake up! Wake up!
52
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,520
- Xena!
- [ Snarls ]
53
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,560
- [ Gabrielle Yells ]
- [ Groans ]
54
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,320
[ Snarling, Grunting ]
55
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,040
Xena!
[ Barbarian Growling ]
56
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:09,840
- Okay, you asked for it!
- [ Barbarians Groaning ]
57
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,880
Round and up and down she goes.
Where she stops, nobody knows!
58
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,920
[ Grunts ]
[ Growls ]
59
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,160
- [ Groans ]
- [ All Groaning ]
60
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,040
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
61
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,040
[ Kicks Landing ]
62
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,120
[ Yelling, Grunting,
Groaning Continue ]
63
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,120
[ Playful Yells ]
64
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,960
[ Chuckling ]
65
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,720
Schwing!
66
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,720
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Fierce Yell ]
67
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,640
Huh?
[ Groans ]
68
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,960
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]
69
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,520
[ Groans ]
70
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,160
- Ow.
- [ Whistling ]
71
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,360
[ Howls ]
She's too much for us!
72
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,160
-[ Barbarian ]
Let's get out of here!
- [ Barbarians Yelling ]
73
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,840
[ Hoofbeats ]
74
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,720
And don't come back!
Did you see that?
75
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,640
Back flips!
76
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,560
I don't do back flips.
77
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,440
You have armor on
under there?
Where's Xena?
78
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,800
Who were those--
What are you--
79
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,720
Wait a minute.
80
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,200
"Xena had gone--
The lone warrior, Gabrielle--
81
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,080
"As five barbarians--
82
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,400
"She started
twirling her trusty staff,
delivering kicks of such fury.
83
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,760
Deflected
the thrust of a sword
with her mighty abs."
84
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,680
I wrote this.
85
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,000
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
86
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,920
Are you saying
anything you write
in there comes true?
87
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,320
Excuse me
while I laugh.
[ Guffaws ]
88
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,120
Yeow! Catch.
Ow. Ow.
89
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,640
Something's
wrong with this stick.
[ Staff Whipping ]
90
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,480
Ooh. Eee.
Uh, uh, uh, uh!
91
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,960
[ Gasps, Groans ]
92
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,120
- Why'd I do that?
- Because I wrote you did.
93
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,000
I can write anything, and--
94
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,920
and it comes true.
95
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,240
[ Man Narrating ]
In a time of ancient gods--
[ Xena Yells ]
96
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,480
warlords and kings,
97
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,480
a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
98
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,960
She was Xena,
99
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,560
a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.
100
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,920
The power.
101
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,120
The passion.
102
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,240
-The danger.
- [ Kiaiing ]
103
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,440
Her courage
will change the world.
104
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:32,280
In my hands, this scroll
could be a gift to mankind.
105
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,160
Xena will be very proud
when she comes back
from fishing.
106
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,040
Fishing?
I wrote her fishing.
107
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:39,960
What did you write
to bring me here?
108
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,360
Like, uh, you know,
Gabrielle...
109
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,760
appeared with a guy
with the heart of a lion,
110
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,160
soul of a warrior,
that kind of thing.
111
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,520
Let's see. Uh--
[ Clears Throat ]
112
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,880
"Xena has gone fi-"
Fishing.
113
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:58,680
"Fishing.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
114
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,520
Gabrielle awoke
with a jerk."
115
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,440
That's a funny phrase.
116
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,320
[ Mumbles ]
I can't find anything.
117
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,720
Must've come here
on my own.
118
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:13,080
What do we do now?
What do we do?
119
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,000
What won't we do?
120
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,400
Stories can be anything
we want them to be.
121
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:21,240
Happy endings
can truly happen, Joxer.
Hmm.
122
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,040
Excuse me. Aren't you
the Sisters of Gaea?
123
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,200
[ Together ]
Yes.
Is there...
124
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,080
something that we can do
to, um, help you?
125
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,960
We're collecting
goods for our orphans,
126
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,840
things we can sell
in our shop in town.
127
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,720
If you have anything--
Now, that would fetch
a pretty dinar.
128
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,440
[ Laughs ]
129
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:48,240
I'm sure it would,
but I wouldn't give this up
just for anybody.
130
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,160
Still, for the, uh,
Sisters of Gaea--
131
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,080
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Armor Rattles ]
- She means your scabbard.
132
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,920
Oh. Right.
Uh, no, no. I couldn't.
133
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,320
My father gave me this.
It was the only thing
he gave me.
134
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,240
Had to get
the sword myself.
135
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,600
I wouldn't part with this
for anything.
Oh, too bad.
136
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:07,440
Ceremonial weapons and the like
are a hot commodity in Kargas.
137
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,600
Oh.
Well,
you know, Sister.
138
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,480
I think you're going
to get a surprise gift.
139
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,880
Right about now.
140
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,280
Here.
Oh!
141
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,560
This will provide
for our orphans
for years.
142
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,920
Yes.
It's a miracle.
Ha.
143
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,320
You're welcome.
[ Laughs ]
144
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,600
Give me back
my kinsman's sword.
145
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,000
I just gave it away.
Why did I do that?
146
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,360
Well, it doesn't really
matter now, does it?
147
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,280
[ Cries Out ]
148
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,400
[ Yelling ]
149
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,040
[ Shrill Whistle ]
150
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,240
[ Barbarians Groaning ]
151
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:08,520
Did the little blonde girlie
scare the big hairy men?
152
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:13,120
We are barbarians.
We fear nothing.
153
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,480
Yeah!
We fight with the heart
of a lion.
154
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,880
And you run with
the feet of a chicken.
155
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,480
Now, get back on your horsies,
and go back after her.
156
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,720
Yes, ma'am.
157
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,640
[ Grunting, Yelling ]
158
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,240
[ Horses Neighing ]
[ Yelling Continues ]
159
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,840
[ Sighs ]
Barbarians.
160
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,760
[ Imitation Barking ]
161
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,120
[ Chatter, Laughter ]
162
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,920
We don't need
your money, Joxer.
I've got it covered.
163
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,840
How much
will that be?
164
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,720
Tha--
That will be... free.
165
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,080
All the food is free!
And the drinks are on the house!
166
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,440
You see there?
All the food is free,
and the drinks are on the--
167
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,840
[ Man ] Free mead!
A gift from the gods!
168
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,240
I think I have to be
a bit more careful
with the wording.
169
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,120
[ Grunts, Slurps ]
Free mead!
[ Laughter ]
170
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,440
Good ale. Ahhh.
[ Gulping ]
171
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,640
No way, Ares.
Not until I know for sure that
Xena has left the valley.
172
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:16,720
I'm giving you my word.
I've taken care of it.
She's gone.
173
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:21,040
[ Chuckles ]
My men might believe that.
I can barely hold them back.
174
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,720
They want to loot
that valley now.
Xena or no Xena.
175
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,960
But I'm not that stupid.
176
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,120
And how stupid are you?
[ Grunts ]
177
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,840
Stupid enough to call
the God of War a liar?
178
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,040
[ Hoarsely ]
May-May-- Maybe.
179
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:37,400
But I'm definitely not
stupid enough to go up
against Xena.
180
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,640
[ Gagging ]
181
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,680
[ Coughs ]
182
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,400
Keep your men here.
183
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,040
I'll give you a signal.
You'll know Xena's gone then.
184
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,960
But wh-what's
the signal?
185
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,720
You'll know when you see it.
186
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,840
[ Man: Drunkenly ]
That's when I said to him,
187
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,240
[ Grunts ]
"I'll drink to that."
188
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:10,040
Fill her up!
Well, time's a-wastin'.
189
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,400
We've got a lot of good
to do today, Joxer.
Lot of good!
190
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,960
- [ Man ] Ah, you're drunk.
- [ Man #2 ]
Who you callin' drunk?
191
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,680
[ Loud Belch ]
Come on, Billius!
192
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:23,600
You've had enough.
Who are you to tell me
I've had enough?
193
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,800
You know, there's always
one drunk who spoils it
for everyone.
194
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,200
One drunk?
Hey, that's my mead!
195
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,520
[ Groans, Yells ]
196
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,480
[ Grunting,
Punches Landing ]
197
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,840
Couldn't get any worse.
Well, this wasn't
supposed to happen.
198
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,000
[ Barbarian ]
Where are they?
It got worse.
199
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,440
You--
200
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:50,080
You think you can
make fools of us?
Yeah.
201
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,160
[ Snickering ]
202
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,960
We are barbarians.
203
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,560
[ Barbarian ]
We will...
204
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,880
go west.
Huh?
205
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:12,200
Yes. We will go west.
Yeah-ah-ah.
206
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,560
[ Barbarians Muttering ]
207
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,960
[ Affirming Grunts ]
208
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,320
[ Yelling ]
209
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:26,520
The barbarians are headed
for the Sisters of Gaea
orphanage!
210
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,920
[ Laughing ]
[ Fighting Continues ]
211
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,720
Minor setback.
"They turned east."
212
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,440
[ Barbarian Leader ]
No. We go east!
213
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,640
[ Yelling ]
214
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,880
Now they're
heading for Akanacia!
215
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,280
[ Laughing ]
216
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:47,600
Um. "The barbarians
disappeared from the land."
217
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,960
[ Barbarians ]
Whoa! Whoa!
218
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,680
This way... to the boats!
219
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:59,000
We'll become pirates,
and kill all who sail the seas.
220
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,120
[ Delighted Laugh ]
221
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,920
Um. "The barbarians
went to the caves and fell
into a deep sleep."
222
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,120
Wait! To the caves.
223
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,920
I'm exhausted.
[ Barbarians Yawning ]
224
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,040
[ Horses Neighing ]
[ Barbarians Yelling ]
225
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,880
So this is all the good
you wanted to do, huh?
226
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,280
Forget it.
I am not writing
another word.
227
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,200
Yes!
228
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,520
No.
I don't get it.
229
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,400
I mean, my writing
has always been
really vivid.
230
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,280
I just am
missing something.
231
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,160
Well, maybe
it's too vivid.
232
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:42,040
Maybe it needs
a little work-- editing
or something, you know?
233
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,440
I've got it!
I'm not editing my work.
234
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,280
Joxer, that's it,
that's all I have to do.
I just have to be more careful.
235
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,600
Do you realize that now that
I know the power of the scroll,
236
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,520
I can end hunger,
I can end disease.
237
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,840
I can end--
I can end war.
238
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,480
[ Grunts ]
Okay.
239
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,320
"The will of mortals
won out--" Edit.
240
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,680
"and war
lost all its power."
241
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,920
[ Men Yelling ]
242
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,800
My powers!
What's happened
to my powers?
243
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,440
You!
What've you
done to me?
244
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,160
Um, it's-it's
not my fault. I--
245
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,560
I-I can fix this.
Um--
246
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,440
Um. The-The force...
247
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,320
that enchanted the scroll
lost its powers.
248
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,560
[ Aphrodite Gasps ]
[ Ares Groans ]
249
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:36,240
Whoa! Wipeout.
[ Gags ]
250
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:38,880
Hmm.
251
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,560
Are you out of your mind?
You gave this blonde harpy...
252
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:47,400
- powers of destiny?
- No. I enchanted a scroll.
253
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,800
And don't act so surprised.
You wanted me to do it.
254
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,720
No, no.
See, what I wanted...
255
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,600
was for you to go
after her so we could
get Xena out of the way.
256
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,000
"Exsqueeze" me.
It worked, kinda.
257
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,920
Wait a minute.
You wanted Xena out of the way
so you enchanted my scroll?
258
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,240
Ares was being
his usual manipulative self.
259
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,880
He's got some army somewhere
ready to pounce on the valley.
260
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,080
He wanted Xena
out of the way, so he
wanted to get me mad at you.
261
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,280
You figured that
all out by yourself,
did you?
262
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,680
Hey, don't believe
everything you hear
about blondes.
263
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,400
[ Aphrodite ] Look, sweet pea,
just give me back my powers.
264
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,320
Then I'll
un-zap the scroll.
No, no.
265
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,200
Write mine back in first.
That army's waiting for me...
266
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,600
to give them a signal
that Xena's gone.
Mmm. [ Smacks Lips ]
267
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,520
Not helping
your cause any, slick.
268
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,840
Oh. I promise,
if you give me my powers back,
269
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,080
I'll call off the attack.
[ Chortles ]
270
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,480
Pigs can fly?
You can.
271
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,360
Wait.
If you undo the scroll,
Xena's gonna come back,
272
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:43,200
and then
the army won't attack.
That makes sense.
273
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,600
Uh--
274
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,960
Aphrodite is
as she was before.
275
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,880
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunts ]
276
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:58,160
She is as she was before.
It's all in the wording.
277
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,040
Okay, what if we fill up
the scroll completely?
Will that end the curse?
278
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,320
Oh. So now it's a curse.
Before, it was a gift.
279
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,760
And, no, once you run out
of room, that's it.
280
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,680
Everything just
stays the way it was
when you wrote it.
281
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:15,000
Look, just write,
"Everything is
as it was before."
282
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,800
Then we'll all go back to our
baby cribs, and you'll go back
under your rock.
283
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,000
[ Aphrodite ]
Did you write him here?
Not exactly. I--
284
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,120
Ah,
"Gabrielle awoke
with a jerk."
285
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,040
[ Laughs ]
286
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,840
I don't get it.
What's so funny
about waking up?
287
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,440
[ Laughing ]
Munk?
Thelonius,
288
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,160
is that the signal
to attack?
289
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,800
[ Couple Laughing ]
290
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,080
No. Not the signal.
291
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,720
I have to deconstruct the story,
starting from the beginning,
292
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,120
which means
I have to bring
Xena back first.
293
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:03,440
Oh. "Xena rides in
at the head of an army."
294
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,320
That's good.
We could end up
with an army of ants,
295
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,640
[ Groans ]
or children
or-or Harpies or--
296
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,960
Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Why don't we describe her?
297
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,800
"Suddenly,
there was the arrival
of the woman--"
298
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,720
Leather.
299
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,600
Mention the leather.
"Wearing leather"...
300
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,520
"and--" um--
[ Chuckles ]--
301
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,400
"black hair,
carrying her chakram."
302
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,760
Wait.
Does anybody really know
what a chakram is?
303
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,680
And does
the scroll know it?
304
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,600
"Carrying the whip of Xena."
305
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,560
[ Rumbling,
Whip Cracking ]
[ All Gasp ]
306
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,720
- [ Whip Whirs, Cracks ]
-[ Woman ] I'm here.
307
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,120
I don't know why?
[ Shy Chuckle ]
308
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:51,040
But I know I'm here
to do something.
[ Giggles ]
309
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,040
- Minya?
- Who's this?
310
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,400
Uh, this is Minya.
She's our friend.
311
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,760
She wants to be Xena,
and she has Xena's whip.
312
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,120
It never leaves my side.
313
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:07,120
So, who's the stud, the dork
and that bottled-blonde?
314
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:10,760
This is Ares,
Aphrodite... and Joxer.
315
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,480
What? Ares--
316
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,880
God of War!
317
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,360
- And Aphrodite,
you're the Goddess of Love!
- [ Coos ]
318
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:26,480
And Joxer--
Sorry, bub,
never heard of ya.
319
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,320
[ Bird Cawing ]
[ Grunts ]
320
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,200
[ Squawks, Squishes ]
321
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,600
Is that--
No, Munk.
322
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,960
That's lunch.
Pluck it.
323
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,120
[ Liquid Dripping ]
[ Men Chattering ]
324
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,960
[ Clears Throat ]
Mmmm--
325
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,320
You know one thing
I like about being mortal.
326
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,680
[ Loud Belch, Laughs ]
327
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:56,000
What a trip.
You know,
my boyfriend, Hower,
328
00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,320
he thinks that the Goddess
of Love is just sooo beautiful
and perfect.
329
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:03,680
[ Giggles ]
Wait'll he hears
you're just as plain as...
330
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,600
dirt on a wagon wheel
just like me!
[ Gasps, Gags ]
331
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,680
[ Hooting Laugh ]
332
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:13,840
I'm supposed to be
the great bard
with the wonderful stories.
333
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,200
I can't even write
a happy ending
without screwing it up.
334
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:22,480
Yes, you can.
I think your stories are--
335
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,840
are beautiful
and, uh,
336
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,720
you know, not everything
you write turns into disaster.
337
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,600
What about
the Sisters of Gaea?
338
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,960
You know that sword
that man gave us?
339
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:36,600
We sold it for a king's ransom
to Philiadus. [ Chuckles ]
340
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,640
See?
You did some good--
the orphans of Gaea.
341
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,280
You!
342
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,680
That is my kinsman's sword!
343
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,680
[ Inhales Deeply ]
And you are a dead man.
344
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,480
Wait!
345
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,440
- What's your name?
- I am Scaberus.
346
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,360
Why?
347
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,760
[ Mouthing Words ]
348
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,200
The caves!
349
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,400
I must go to the caves.
350
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,880
Those caves are gonna
start gettin' pretty full.
351
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,400
- [ Sucking Sounds ]
-[ Clears Throat ]
352
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,720
My throat is dry as dust.
Where's my drink?
353
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,160
- [ Groans ]
- [ Bottle Shatters ]
354
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,000
No.
That's not the sign.
355
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,320
You know, I've been
trying to bring Xena here.
356
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,720
Why don't we just
go find her? I mean,
there aren't that many...
357
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,120
fishing places
around here.
358
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,520
We've got to find
a trout stream or
a fishing hole or...
359
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,920
wherever
I sent her.
360
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,720
[ Sighs ]
Why won't it stay up?
361
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,040
Basic hair care
was not such a drag
as a goddess.
362
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,920
I think
it looks good on ya.
363
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,800
Flattery works.
Keep going.
364
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,720
Um, you know what?
365
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,600
I-I have this
question for you.
366
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,440
Um, I lo--
367
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,240
There's-There's
this guy, and he really...
368
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,560
loves this girl,
but this girl...
369
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,120
doesn't even know--
Hello?
370
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,960
The love goddess
is off the clock.
I got my own problems.
371
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,600
[ Sighs ]
All right.
372
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:22,080
Poetry. And if that
doesn't work-- presents.
373
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,240
Yeah?
Yeah. Lots and lots
of presents.
374
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,200
Huh!
Okay?
375
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,560
- Yeah.
- Standard answer.
Now, give me my space.
376
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,400
Yeah. Poetry.
377
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,960
Poetry.
378
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,200
Hmm, right here.
379
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:44,320
Let's see, um--
380
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,200
[ Muttering ]
381
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,400
???? [ Wolf Whistle ]
382
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,600
[ Man ]
Oh, by the gods! Look!
[ Whistling Continues ]
383
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,800
???? [ '60s Rock ]
384
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,480
[ Squealing ]
385
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,200
???? [ Continues ]
386
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,320
What?
387
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,200
- You wrote on the scroll?
- Oh, I-I-- Well, I was just...
388
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,600
trying to write a limerick
to cheer you up a little.
389
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,960
"A warrior,
Joxer the Mighty,
390
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,360
"Asked a boon
from the god, Aphrodite.
391
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:48,200
And what a surprise
he saw with love's eyes,
three times--"
392
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,880
Had a little trouble there.
Anyone know a word that ends
in "ighty"?
393
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:55,520
Ooh!
What does "love's eyes"
have to do with me?
394
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,400
W-Well-Well--
W-Well the-the--
395
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,760
I get it. I get it.
Of course,
396
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,640
"love's eyes,"
Aphrodite's eyes.
397
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,840
She was looking at me
when you wrote the poem, right?
398
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:11,280
That's it, exactly.
Now, let's send those three
to the caves!
399
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,560
[ Laughs ]
Ooh. The--
400
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:18,280
The, uh--
Uh, we can do it in a minute,
or now is good.
401
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,640
To the caves!
402
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,600
The cave.
[ Whistles ]
403
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,920
[ Laughs ]
404
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,080
[ Snoring ]
405
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,840
[ Snoring ]
406
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,480
[ Snoring Continues ]
407
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,920
Aphrodite!
[ Sighs ]
408
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,800
Aphrodite said
get her a present.
409
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:07,200
[ Sighs ]
How am I gonna get
you a present with no--
410
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,240
[ Sighs ]
411
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,880
This is a family heirloom...
412
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,560
[ Sighs ]
passed from father to son.
413
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,120
- Will ya trade for it?
- Yeah, I'll trade.
414
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:35,360
But you'll have to be quick.
It's late. I'm tired and--
415
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,840
I'm always open for business.
416
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,640
[ Rooster Crowing ]
417
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:55,680
What is--
418
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,760
You like it?
419
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:04,000
Uh, it's--
it's beautiful.
420
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,120
But Wh-Why?
'Cause I wanted
to get you something.
421
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,680
You know, just to, uh,
422
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:14,400
say sorry for
the three naked yous
and everything.
423
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,360
[ Chuckles ]
I, uh,
424
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,920
I had to trade
my father's scabbard
for it.
425
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,680
What?
I had to trade
my father's scabbard for it.
426
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:33,120
Joxer, you said that
you would never, ever
part with that scabbard.
427
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,080
Well, you know, Gabrielle,
some things in life are worth
more than what they seem.
428
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,600
The scroll, Joxer.
Yeah?
429
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,080
I hid the scroll
in the scabbard.
You did?
430
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,440
- Where is it, now!
- [ Ares, Minya Gasping ]
431
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,640
Ow! I traded a peddler for it!
We can get it back!
432
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:50,040
[ Nose Cracking ]
What's the odds
he's gonna figure it out?
433
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,840
You'd better hurry.
It's raining dinars in town!
434
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,680
Oh, that's funny.
[ Shrieks ]
435
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,800
Ha. I've got it.
Mm-hmm, I've got it.
436
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:04,120
I know exactly what
to write, but, first,
we have to get the scroll.
437
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,040
And just what
will you write?
438
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,920
Well, Ares,
that's my business.
439
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,320
Now, Aphrodite, Minya.
I want you to go to town.
440
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,240
I want you to find out
where the peddler went.
441
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:17,080
Ares and I are going to go
where it's raining dinars
and look for him there.
442
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,960
What about me?
443
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:21,880
Well, Joxer--
Oh.
444
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,280
You get
to go to the caves--
Say, Gab--
445
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,200
And you get to wait.
[ Sighs ]
446
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,120
Come on!
447
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,480
Do wh--
448
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,400
Ooh, the caves.
449
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,760
[ Creaking, Rattling ]
450
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,200
[ Grunting ]
451
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:51,160
[ Sighs ]
[ Chattering ]
452
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,960
Hi there, big boy.
453
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,240
[ Sniffs ]
Call me when you've
had a bath, toots.
454
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:07,960
Okay. The tavern keeper
said the peddler headed
out of town.
455
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,360
What wrong?
456
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,760
[ Huffs ]
I'm gonna end up
like you!
457
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,680
[ Weeps ]
458
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,080
Oh.
[ Sniffs ]
459
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,520
These ruts are deep
as if he's carrying
a load of dinars.
460
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,880
Where'd you learn
to read trails like that?
461
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:31,280
Xena, of course.
462
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,160
You know, you hang around
her long enough, you're
bound to pick up something.
463
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,560
You just
have to focus.
Oh, yeah.
464
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,960
I taught her that.
When she came to me,
465
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,360
she was just
another lost warlord,
hungry to kill.
466
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:45,200
I gave her a purpose.
Well, she has
a different purpose now.
467
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,560
I know. She's so
darned good at it.
468
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,920
You know, what she did
when I had her on trial
for her life,
469
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:55,760
it-- it was amazing.
How about what she
pulled off with the Furies?
470
00:28:55,760 --> 00:29:00,080
Oh, it was brilliant. Yeah.
And she does it all with that--
that steely gaze, you know?
471
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,480
Oh, yeah. I've seen
that one a few times.
[ Both Chuckle ]
472
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:08,240
Uh, looks like he's
heading for the caves.
Yeah.
473
00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:14,960
We were starting to warm up
to each other there, weren't we?
474
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:17,840
Yeah. We were.
475
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,720
I didn't like it.
Right back at ya.
476
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,160
Okay.
477
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:24,800
[ Snoring ]
478
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,840
Uhhh ahh.
479
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,760
Oh.
[ Snoring ]
480
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,320
[ Grunts ]
Ohh!
481
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,040
[ Ares ]
Joxer!
Shhh!
482
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:50,320
- I'm tryin' to disarm 'em.
- I don't know how, but you're
going to screw it up.
483
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,960
Now, just back away!
I'm not gonna screw it up...
484
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:56,320
as long as they don't wake up
before I find the ped--
485
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,080
That's the guy!
486
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:02,200
[ Barbarians Stirring ]
Oops.
487
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,880
[ Scaberus ]
Who's got it!
488
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,880
Oh, the scroll!
489
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,760
Can't--
Can't find it.
Can't find it.
490
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,520
Gab!
491
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,640
- Kill them!
- Get him.
492
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:19,600
Kill them!
Get him!
493
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,440
[ Barbarians Groaning ]
Kill 'em?
494
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,760
- [ Minya Grunts ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Grunts ]
495
00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:28,160
Kill them!
Come on!
496
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,120
Let's go!
[ Growling ]
497
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:36,280
- [ High-pitched Cry ]
- Yeah!
498
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,680
[ Grunting, Babbling ]
499
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,360
[ Scaberus Grunts ]
[ Gabrielle ]
Not the scroll!
500
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:53,560
[ Grunts ]
Back off!
501
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,360
Oh, my kinsman's sword!
502
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,720
[ Yelping ]
Ooh! Help! Help! Help!
503
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:02,840
[ Screaming ]
Ooh! Nooo! Ooh. Ahh.
504
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:07,120
[ Laughs ]
505
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:08,080
[ Gasps ]
506
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:10,960
???? [ '60s Rock ]
[ Squeals ]
507
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,920
???? [ Continues ]
508
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,600
[ Gasps ]
Ahh!
509
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,440
Nice lookin', huh?
Yeah!
[ Laughing ]
510
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,120
- [ Screams ]
- [ Straining ]
511
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:36,640
Oof!
512
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,680
[ Groaning ]
513
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,360
[ Screaming ]
514
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:46,400
[ Barbarians
Grunting, Groaning ]
515
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:52,680
Time to end this
once and for all!
516
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,960
You there!
517
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,440
Stay back!
[ Barbarian Growls ]
518
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,240
Gabrielle.
Over here.
519
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,800
[ Gabrielle Grunts ]
Got ya!
520
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,040
- That's the way
out of the caves!
- [ Sheepish Chuckle]
521
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:17,960
Move!
522
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,840
[ Yelling ]
My sword!
523
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,040
[ Yelling Continues ]
524
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,760
Come on!
They're getting away!
Me?
525
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,640
[ Chuckles ]
I'm mortal.
I might be killed.
526
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,560
Gods.
[ Grunts ]
527
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,960
Aieee-ya!
528
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,680
You hair-balls
get back here!
[ Whip Cracking ]
529
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,360
[ Aphrodite
Gasping, Panting ]
530
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:56,520
What did you write
in that scroll?
531
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:59,880
Instead of bringing
Xena to the scroll,
I sent the scroll to Xena.
532
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,280
I just hope
I phrased it right.
533
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,120
[ Naked Girls
Chattering ]
534
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,800
[ Barbarians Bellowing ]
535
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:14,640
[ Gasping ]
[ Minya Shrieking ]
536
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:18,280
[ Chuckles ]
If that's not a sign
from Ares, I don't what is.
537
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,680
[ Shouting ]
Attack!
538
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,040
[ Men Yelling ]
539
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:31,960
Ares, we have got to catch up
with your warrior friends,
so we can call off this attack.
540
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,800
Well, I can't stop them
as a mortal, but when I get
my powers back, I promise,
541
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:40,600
I'm gonna punish Thelonius
and his army in some painful
and horrible way.
542
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,520
You know,
innocent people
are going to die.
543
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,920
Oh, yes.
Innocent people.
544
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,320
Look, with or without you,
we're going to fight Thelonius!
545
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:50,480
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Who exactly is "we"?
546
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,680
Wait.
[ Sniffs ]
547
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,520
- You guys smell somethin'?
- Lay off of me, turkey!
548
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,440
No.
[ Sniffs ]
549
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,640
- Oh, it's fish!
- [ Deflating Sigh ]
Ohh!
550
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,000
I'm new to this
mortal hygiene thing!
551
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,320
Xena?
552
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,000
Uh, you looking for this?
Huh?
553
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:16,640
I, uh-- I took it off
a peddler, who was being
chased by barbarians,
554
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:21,720
who was being chased
by... three naked Gabrielles
and Minya.
555
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:24,880
She's still
chasing them by the way.
Oh, yeah. I read the scroll.
556
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:26,760
[ Chuckles ]
Kind of messed it up,
didn't I?
557
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:29,920
Pretty much.
Did you write that limerick?
558
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,800
[ Joxer ]
I did!
Figures.
559
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,640
I tried to get you back.
I tried, "Xena goes to her
number one friend--"
560
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:40,480
You sent me to visit a girl
I hadn't seen since I was five--
myfirstfriend.
561
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,360
What about "Xena rejoins
the woman who brought her
to a new life"?
562
00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:47,000
Mom says
thanks for the fish.
563
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,400
I did start back once,
but then I was overtaken...
564
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,320
by this irresistible urge
to return to fishing.
565
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,200
I figured that's
where you wrote,
"Xena returns from her journey."
566
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,600
And then I knew
that something was up.
567
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,960
I had visited just about
everyone who ever meant
anything to me.
568
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:02,320
- [ Groans ]
- Except you.
569
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:07,240
- That's when I headed back.
- [ Chuckles ]
570
00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:11,880
Look. I hate to be the one
to break up, like, a major
love-fest, but look at me!
571
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,240
I'm not built
to be mortal!
572
00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:16,960
[ Whining ]
We have to put things back
the way they were!
573
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:20,280
Yeah. And stop Thelonius
from destroying the valley.
574
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:23,920
- Whatever.
- Aphrodite, what was the charm
that you used for the scroll?
575
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,640
Exactwording.
Umm.
576
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:31,440
"Lies will make the world
go 'round till truer words
are written down."
577
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:35,280
So, if you make something up,
the scroll has the power
to make it happen.
578
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,240
And when truer words
are written, the power ends.
Well, that's it!
579
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:42,160
- [ Groans ]
- All we have to do
is write the truth.
580
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,800
Okay.
But how will we get rid
of this warlord Thelonius?
581
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,160
I'll take care of him,
but you have to write down
everything that I do--
582
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:52,480
no embellishing, no poetic
license, just exactly what
you see, all right?
583
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,240
But how are
we gonna know
if it worked?
584
00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:56,120
When you get
your powers back,
we'll know.
585
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,080
What's wrong?
586
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:10,920
I, uh-- I'm not
really good at...
writing action.
587
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:12,680
What?
588
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:14,840
You follow Xena around--
[ Flies Buzzing ]
589
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:16,760
[ Sniffing ]
590
00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:20,600
You-- You follow
Xena around all day.
Uh--
591
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:23,960
You write stories about her.
How do you do this without
writing action?
592
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,800
You see,
I use metaphors.
593
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:30,640
I write,
"Xena burst on the scene
in a blaze of glory."
594
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,520
You do that
and we'll be pickin' her up
in a million pieces.
595
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,080
[ Thelonius ]
Attack! Attack! Attack!
Let's go, go, go, go!
596
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:42,960
Move it!
Kill, kill, kill, kill!
Follow me!
597
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,800
-Attack! Attack! Attack!
- [ Men Groaning ]
598
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,640
Get up!
Get up! Get up!
[ Grunts ]
599
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,800
- [ Grunts, Groans ]
- [ Screaming ]
600
00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:00,400
[ Grunting, Groaning
Continue ]
601
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:03,120
Xena leads with a pike,
then a trout.
602
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,960
- [ Grunts ]
- Bam! Bam! Two quick bass.
603
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:09,440
[ Yelling ]
604
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:15,920
- Yahhh!
- [ Groans ]
- Oh, he's taken it on the chin!
605
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:20,160
[ Kiaiing ]
[ Whirring ]
606
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:22,480
[ Groaning ]
607
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,760
[ Cackles ]
608
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:27,560
[ Yells ]
609
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:29,880
That octopus
came out of nowhere.
610
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,280
[ Chuckles ]
She must have thrown that
just for the "halibut."
611
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:36,120
[ Laughs ]
Write, "Xena hit
the warrior with a squid."
612
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:39,960
It was an octopus.
I think I know a squid
when I see one.
613
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:45,040
- [ Yells ]
-[ Soldier ]
Nooo!
614
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,720
[ Whimpering ]
615
00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:48,400
[ Squishing ]
616
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:50,800
[ Gasps ]
617
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:58,320
- [ Yells ]
- [ Whirring ]
618
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:01,360
- [ Both Groaning ]
- [ Squishes ]
- [ Grunts ]
619
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,720
[ Screaming ]
620
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,760
[ Groaning ]
621
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:15,200
[ Grunts ]
[ Yelling ]
622
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,280
"Xena whacked the warrior
with her sword."
"Whacked"?
623
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:22,640
- Is that a word?
- "Hit." Say "hit."
624
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,520
I don't think
it's very literary.
Okay. "Hit."
625
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,520
- [ Fierce Yell ]
- "Xena fought with
the warrior leader."
626
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:34,880
"Fought with the--"
Hey, what do you mean
"awoke with a jerk"?
627
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,600
- Just keep to the script.
- I'm ready for action.
628
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:40,480
Where's Xena?
[ Punches Landing,
Swords Clashing ]
629
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:47,320
Minya,
where are the barbarians?
They stopped fighting...
630
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:49,720
and ran back
to Barbaria.
631
00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:53,080
My hormones are peaking.
I'm ready for action.
632
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,960
I'm gonna
crack some heads!
Yeah.
633
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:58,360
[ Sounds Of Battle
Continue ]
[ Squishing ]
634
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,600
[ Squeals ]
635
00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:24,520
I'm back!
636
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,440
Later.
637
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:28,800
Mmm.
Uhh.
638
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:31,680
Ugh. Oh--
Sorry.
Ugh. Ughhh!
639
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:39,200
[ Kiaiing ]
640
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,840
[ Fish Basket Whizzing ]
641
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,080
Wa--
642
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:47,720
[ Whimpering ]
643
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,280
- [ Rattling ]
- [ Screams ]
644
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,160
Run, maggot!
[ Laughs ]
645
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,000
Ooh, I still got it.
646
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:08,120
What's that?
Huh?
647
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:11,440
[ Smack ]
[ Guffaws ]
648
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:13,360
"What's that?"
[ Laughing ]
649
00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:20,360
You know, I expected
more from the God of War.
650
00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:23,240
I mean, without his powers,
he's just another man.
651
00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:27,080
Just another big old,
leather-clad,
652
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:29,480
well-muscled,
gorgeous,
653
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:33,920
hunk-a bad boy...
man.
654
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:36,520
How are those
hormones, Minya?
Raging.
655
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,400
I, uh--
I might go see...
Hower.
656
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,760
Weird.
Mmm.
657
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:46,120
I guess everything's
fine now.
I guess so.
658
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:49,480
Hey, look. You still got
some extra space at the bottom
of the scroll.
659
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,880
Guess that means there's
something else to write.
660
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,760
Try, "The End."
661
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:58,120
Okay. I just--
I personally think
that sounds a bit--
662
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:05,920
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00:41:06,305 --> 00:41:12,158
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