Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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* TELL ME WHERE YOU COME FROM, WAS IT HEAVEN ABOVE? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE *

* CAN YOU CLIMB THE SUNNY PEAKS OF A FORTRESS IN MUD? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE *

* DID I TELL YOU I WANT MORE

* THAN WHAT YOU'RE REALLY MADE OF? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE *

* CAN YOU SCOPE A PURPLE BLUNDER AND ADMIT THAT YOU ARE YOUNG? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE *

* TELL ME WHERE YOU COME FROM, WAS IT HEAVEN ABOVE? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE *

* CAN YOU CLIMB THE SUNNY PEAKS OF A FORTRESS IN MUD? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN LOVE *

* DID I TELL YOU I WANT MORE

* THAN WHAT YOU'RE REALLY MADE OF? *

* OH, MY DEAR, I MUST BE FALLING IN *

* LOVE

[ CHILD SQUEALING ]

HELLO?

THREE HOURS OVER!

SHIT, LADY. I'M ON MY WAY OUT.

THREE HOURS OVER! $21 MORE IF YOU STAY.

JEEZ, WHAT'D I SAY, LADY?! I'LL BE DONE IN A MINUTE.

THAT CHING-CHONG BITCH. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

[ KICKS DOOR ]

WAIT!

AH, HOMEWORK. BUS WAS LATE?

MM-HMM.

GOOD DAY AT SCHOOL?

MM-HMM.

A LOT OF HOMEWORK?

MM-HMM.

I CALL MRS. THOMAS, SCIENCE TEACHER,

TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF HOMEWORK YOU HAVE TONIGHT.

SHE WASN'T THERE. NOBODY WAS THERE.

EVERYBODY HAVE HALF-DAY TODAY EXCEPT YOU.

YOU HAVE LONG DAY.

AAH!

SHOULD NOT LIE TO MOMMY. YOU UNDERSTAND?

NOW GO.

ROOMS ARE DIRTY.

HEY!

COME ON. SHUT UP.

I'LL TELL MOM.

[ Mockingly ] I'LL TELL MOM.

SHUT UP. LET'S GO.

[ WOMAN MOANING ]

[ RATTLING ]

YOU GOT A LETTER TODAY. MOMMY TOOK IT.

I DON'T CARE.

WHAT WAS IT?

SHE'S REALLY MAD ABOUT IT.

GO AWAY.

OW! MOM!

ERNEST.

YOU GOT LETTER.

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU ENTER CONTEST?

WHAT?

THE WRITING CONTEST. YOU ENTERED A WRITING CONTEST.

OH, THE WRITING CONTEST. YEAH.

YOU GOT HONORABLE MENTION.

REALLY?

MMM.

WELL, COULD I READ IT?

I THROW AWAY.

YOU WHAT?

YOU SHOULD NOT LIE TO MOMMY.

BUT I DIDN'T LIE.

YOU LIED TWO TIMES TODAY!

YOU MAKE ME UPSET.

YOU DID NOT TELL ME YOU ENTER CONTEST.

IT WAS JUST A STUPID CONTEST.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. WASTE OF TIME.

BUT YOU SAID I WON.

YOU DID NOT WIN.

YOU GOT HONORABLE MENTION.

THAT IS NOT WINNING.

THAT IS BAD. THAT'S WORSE THAN LOSING.

THEY TELL EVERYONE AT FANCY DINNER YOUR NAME AND SAY,

"SEE? THIS BOY'S NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN."

YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO LOSE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,

THERE WAS A MAN IN OUR VILLAGE WHO USED TO TELL STORIES.

ALL DAY TELLING STORIES.

ONE DAY THE WHOLE VILLAGE

CAME TO HIS HOUSE AND CUT OUT HIS TONGUE!

DO YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THAT?

SO, THERE'S A DINNER?

AY.

[ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

NO! DON'T DIE ON ME!

WHO DID THIS TO YOU? TELL ME.

[ BELCHES ]

OH, YOU'RE SO GROSS.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, I FOUND A GOOD ONE.

OH, YEAH?

ORIENTAL WOMEN?

THIS IS DISGUSTING.

LET'S GO CHECK IT OUT.

I GOT THE CRèME de MENTHE FOR YOU.

IT'S LIQUEUR, BUT IT'S THE WORKS.

NOW YOU CAN SMOKE.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU JUST GARGLE WITH IT,

AND YOUR MOM WON'T SMELL SMOKE.

IT'S LIKE BREATH MINTS.

NO, I'M COOL. I DON'T SMOKE.

THIS IS SO GROSS. LISTEN TO THIS.

"FROM AN EARLY AGE, ORIENTAL GIRLS

"LEARN THE ANCIENT WAYS OF PLEASING A MAN.

"THE SECRETS OF THE ORIENT ARE AS DEEP AND MYSTERIOUS

AS THEIR LUSCIOUS PUSSIES."

YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU?

NO, I DON'T.

NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, ERNEST. IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. YOU'RE A BOY.

OH, WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT IS SO GROSS! [ LAUGHS ]

OKAY, OKAY!

CUT IT OUT, ERNEST! CUT THE SHIT.

WHY DON'T YOU CUT THE SHIT?

GET YOUR BONER OUT OF MY FACE.

UGH!

YOU'RE SUCH A SPAZ.

SHUT UP.

HEY, UM, I GOT A LETTER

FROM THAT STUPID CONTEST YOU MADE ME ENTER.

YEAH, WHAT'D IT SAY? DID YOU WIN THE 500 BUCKS?

NO, BUT I GOT THE HONORARY MENTION.

THAT'S AWESOME. DO YOU GET ANY MONEY?

NO, BUT I THINK THERE'S THIS HUGE DINNER

AT SOME FANCY PLACE IN THE CITY.

I SHOULD GET TO GO.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ENTERED THAT CONTEST IF IT WASN'T FOR ME.

WELL...I'M NOT GOING.

YOU HAVE TO GO.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO. IT'S STUPID.

I DIDN'T EVEN WIN.

YOU JUST SAID YOU WON.

I SAID I GOT THE HONORARY MENTION.

THAT'S NOT WINNING. IT'S WORSE THAN LOSING.

THEY GET ME UPSTAGE AND LET EVERYONE KNOW

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN.

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

YOU WON. YOU SHOULD GO.

FINE.

HEY, CHRISTINE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY WAY OF GOING OR ANYTHING.

I MEAN, IF I DID, I'D PROBABLY GO,

AND I'D PROBABLY TAKE YOU, BUT I DON'T, SO I CAN'T.

I WOULD, BUT I CAN'T.

OKAY.

HEY, ERNEST...

CONGRATS.

ALL RIGHT.

Katie: HEY!

FETCH IT, DOG!

[ BELL JINGLES ]

WHY DON'T YOU STAY RIGHT THERE?

I'M GONNA GO GET US A ROOM, ALL RIGHT?

Sam: WHAT'S UP, BABY BUDDHA?

SAM -- SAM KIM.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ERNEST.

ERNIE, I NEED A ROOM.

IT'S ERNEST.

WAIT.

PICK A CARD, ANY CARD.

DON'T TELL ME.

9 OF CLUBS.

KEYS?

THANKS.

HEY, GIVE MY BEST TO POL POT.

[ BELL DINGS ]

Ernest: OH, SHIT.

WHAT YOU DOING?

SOMEONE JUST DROPPED THEIR CREDIT CARD.

STUPID PEOPLE.

I'LL GO RETURN IT.

HEY. OH, EASY THERE, SON.

HOW YOU DOING?

I KNEW I'D FIND YOU RUNNING AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

YOU KNOW, I DO ADMIRE THAT ABOUT THE CHINESE.

YOU STICK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU BEEN CHANGING OUR SHEETS EVERY DAY?

WELL, I WAS THINKING, UH,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE.

OKAY.

MAYBE YOU CAN TALK TO YOUR MOTHER

ABOUT ADJUSTING THE RATE --

I MEAN, SINCE WE'RE SAVING YOU MONEY ON LAUNDRY AND ALL.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA LOWER THE RENT.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD

AND KEEP CHANGING THE SHEETS?

EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

HOWDY.

A VERY GOOD EVENING.

HEY.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER, ACCELERATES ]

ERNEST?

COME HERE. TALK TO MOMMY.

I THINK IT IS TIME TO STOP.

MOMMY'S TOO OLD AND TIRED TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

IF YOU WRITE THESE STORIES ABOUT FAMILY SECRETS AND...

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

* COME ON

* YEAH

OKAY?

OKAY?

GO PLAY WITH YOUR SISTER.

[ WOMAN MOANING ]

[ IMITATES PLANE DIVE-BOMBING, EXPLOSION ]

MOMMY.

Ernest: GO TO SLEEP, KATIE. GO TO SLEEP.

OH...BUNNY.

[ TIRES SCREECH, HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

WHERE ARE YOU?!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, HANK?!

I KNOW YOU'RE FUCKING IN THERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

GINA! GINA!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

THAT'S MY STICK!

GINA! WILL YOU FUCKING CALM --

I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU! OH!

I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!

WILL YOU CALM THE FUCK DOWN?!

GET DOWN FROM THERE!

BABY, BABY, JUST -- BABY.

WILL YOU PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN?

JUST GET DOWN.

PLEASE.

[ GINA SOBBING, CRYING ]

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.

FUCK YOU!!

MOTHERFUCKER!

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECHING ]

[ SAM LAUGHING ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

WHAT'S UP, GANGSTER?

GOOD SHOW.

MUST BE LOVE, HUH?

WELL, I WAS STARTING TO GET LONELY OUT HERE, YOU KNOW?

KIND OF LATE FOR YOU?

WELL, WE HAD A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CARD.

IT WAS DECLINED.

OH, THAT'S ALL?

JUST A MATTER OF TIME, I GUESS.

[ Sighing ] OH, BOY.

SMOKE?

IT SURE IS BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE, HUH?

WELL, CAN I GET SOME MONEY --

YOU KNOW, LIKE, BEFORE MY MOM FINDS OUT?

I'LL GET IT TO YOU, MAN. DON'T WORRY.

WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO -- FIRE YOU?

NO, BUT SHE'S PROBABLY GONNA KICK MY ASS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I BET YOU SEE A LOT OF SHIT GROWING UP HERE.

I GUESS.

YOU DON'T EVEN FLINCH.

LIKE, THIS AFTERNOON, I COME IN BARRELING IN

WITH THAT BIG, BLOND BITCH, DRUNK OFF MY ASS,

AND I BET I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING, "SHIT, I HOPE THIS MOTHERFUCKER

SPEAKS ENGLISH," RIGHT?

BE HONEST.

NO.

I GUESS I KNEW YOU SPOKE ENGLISH.

REALLY?

WELL, I MEAN, YOU WALK LIKE YOU SPEAK ENGLISH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LIKE YOU, MAN.

THANKS...

I GUESS.

HEY, I DON'T SCARE YOU, DO I?

I DON'T MEAN TO.

IT'S A KOREAN THING.

AAH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I CAN TELL YOU'RE STILL THINKING ABOUT THE MONEY.

IT'S THAT CHINK IN YOU.

ALL RIGHT, HERE.

DON'T FUCK THAT UP.

IT'S COLLATERAL. UNDERSTAND?

HEY, YOU HUNGRY?

HAS THAT BEEN THERE ALL DAY?

YEP.

SHOULDN'T YOU OPEN IT UP?

OKAY.

COME ON.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

YOU OKAY?

IF YOU SCREAM BEFORE YOU DO STUFF, IT SEEMS LESS SCARY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ GIRL GRUNTING ]

COME ON. STOP IT!

COME ON!

OW! AWW!

UGH!

[ BELL JINGLES ]

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ WHISTLING ]

ERNIE, WHERE WE GOING?

Katie: MOMMY?

Ahma: HMM?

HOW COME PEOPLE STAY AT OUR HOUSE?

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T GO HOME.

HOW COME THEY CAN'T GO HOME?

'CAUSE THEY POOR.

IS THAT WHY THEY'RE SO ANGRY?

THEY'RE NOT ANGRY. THEY'RE JUST POOR.

OH.

HOW COME PEOPLE STAY AT OUR HOUSE FOR THREE HOURS?

'CAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO TAKE NAP.

SOMETIMES WE TAKE NAP IN AFTERNOON.

OH.

HOW COME THEY'RE SO LOUD WHEN THEY TAKE A NAP?

Gung Gung: HMM?

DID MA ASK YOU IF WE WERE GOING TO THE AWARD DINNER?

REWARD DINNER?

UM, YEAH.

I WON A CONTEST WITH A STORY.

OHH, YOU WON CONTEST.

BUT WE HAVE A TV.

WHERE IS MY TV?

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND TAKE MY TV.

HMM!

FOUR-IN-ONE SCREWDRIVER.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I COULD SIT HERE AND STARE AT YOU ALL DAY.

MAMA SAID SHE'S GONNA BUY ME A CALCULATOR.

WOW.

YOU SHUT UP!

ARE WE GONNA DO IT, OR WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU DESERVE A NICE NIGHT OUT.

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I WAS THINKING IF WE WENT TO THE AWARD DINNER,

THEY'D PROBABLY GIVE US A NICE, FREE DINNER.

TALKING ABOUT STUPID CONTEST?

I THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE FOR US TO GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN TIME.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DANCING AND FANCY THINGS.

I DIDN'T SAY WE'D GO DANCING.

HEY, HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU DEAL?

YOU SHOW ME STORY, THEN I DECIDE.

NO.

IF I LIKE STORY, THEN WE CAN GO.

HOW ABOUT THAT? NO. FORGET IT.

WHY? OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOUR STORY.

I SHOULD LIKE IT, TOO, RIGHT?

JUST DROP IT.

I WANT TO READ IT, TOO.

IT'S NOT SO HARD -- LIFE.

IT'S NOT SO BAD FOR YOU.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

LIFE NOT FAIR.

YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.

BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

ONE DAY YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,

BUT NOT TODAY, OKAY?

EAT.

Roy: COME HERE.

Ernest: WHAT?

DON'T QUESTION ME, PERVERT.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

UGH!

CUT THE SHIT.

AFTER YOU, ROY. YOU'RE SUCH AN A-HOLE.

COME ON, PERVERT. I DON'T GOT ALL NIGHT.

YOU'RE A QUEER, AREN'T YOU?

NO.

ARE YOU SURE?

MY DAD SAID YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU'D GROW UP TO BE QUEER.

ROY, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

SHUT UP, STUPID.

WE LIVE HERE BECAUSE IT'S TEMPORARY.

GOT THAT?

BUT YOU -- YOU'RE HERE FOR GOOD.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

YOU'RE SUCH A JERK. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HIM CRY.

GOOD! IT'S GOOD FOR HIM.

SHUT UP.

WHAT?! WHAT'D YOU SAY?!

SAY THAT AGAIN. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

NOTHING. I GOT TO GO.

[ Chuckling ] WHOA, NOT SO FAST.

NOW, I'LL LET YOU GO TO YOUR MOMMY,

BUT FIRST YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

YOU SAID YOU'RE NOT QUEER. YOU HAVE TO PROVE IT.

EITHER YOU KISS MY SISTER...

ROY!

...OR YOU FIGHT ME.

NOW, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

I DON'T WANT TO.

IF YOU DON'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND, I WILL.

WH-O-O-O-OA!

WH-O-O-O-O-OA!

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ BELL DINGS ]

GOOD EVENING.

FOUND THIS ONE WANDERING AROUND BY HERSELF.

I FIGURED SHE BELONGED TO YOU.

I HOPE SHE DOES.

$5 FOR THE RIDE, MA'AM.

SLAP FIVE.

I HAVE A GUEST WAITING.

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

TONGUE HER. PUT YOUR TONGUE IN HER.

SHUT UP, ROY.

SHUT UP, ROY.

IS THIS OKAY?

YEAH, SURE.

Roy: [ Chuckling ] YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING.

JUST KISSING, OKAY?

OKAY.

YOUR DICK IS HARD.

THAT MEANS YOU LOVE ME.

REALLY?

YEAH. YOU LOVE ME.

[ ROY LAUGHS ]

Ahma: YOU MAKE ME VERY SAD!

[ BELL JINGLES ]

HEY, COME ON.

THERE YOU GO. PLAY BALL?

NO.

THE WAY YOU FLINGED THAT CHICKEN LAST NIGHT,

I WAS SURE YOU HAD A GOOD ARM.

REALLY? YEAH.

COME ON. LET'S GO ACROSS THE LOT.

I USED TO BE A PRETTY GOOD PLAYER.

I COULD HAVE PLAYED COLLEGE BALL

IF I'D STUCK WITH IT, YOU KNOW?

WELL, I WANT TO PLAY HOCKEY, BUT MOM SAID I'D GET HURT.

ISN'T THAT THE POINT OF HOCKEY?

I ONLY HAVE ONE MITT, SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TRADE OFF.

ALL RIGHT. THE OLD FIREBALL.

WHAT WAS THAT, MAN? GIVE ME SOME PEPPER.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

HURT ME? YOU CAN'T HURT ME.

I'M INVINCIBLE. UGH!

GOOD STOP. THAT'S THE WAY TO GET IN FRONT OF IT.

DOESN'T YOUR DAD PLAY WITH YOU?

HE'S NOT AROUND ANYMORE.

OH, THAT'S WHY YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL.

IS HE DEAD OR JUST GONE?

JUST GONE, I THINK.

ALL RIGHT, PLAY'S AT THIRD. COME ON, HUSTLE, BABY.

OH, COME ON. RUNNER AT THIRD.

HUSTLE, BABY! COME ON! COME ON!

HEADS UP! BALL, BOY!

RUNNER AT HOME. COME ON, LET'S GO!

STEALING BASE.

[ GRUNTS ] I DON'T THINK I WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.

WILD POP.

[ BALL BOUNCING ]

I'M DONE, OKAY?

COME ON. WHY?

[ Panting ] WELL, I'M TIRED,

AND I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE,

AND I GOT HOMEWORK TO DO.

OKAY.

GOOD GAME.

JUST GOT TO WORK ON THAT OVERHAND.

I'M DONE.

Grace: Hi, this is Grace. Leave me a message.

If you're calling for Sam Kim, do not leave messages here.

He will not get them.

Psst! HEY, ERNIE, WAKE UP.

OPEN THE WINDOW.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T HAVE A WATCH.

COME ON. OPEN UP.

[ SIGHS ]

Shh! Shh!

HERE.

IT'S NOT POPEYES,

BUT IT'S PRETTY GOOD FOR THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU LIKE CRISPY OR NOT.

AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT?

AM I DREAMING?

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ AHMA SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

HEY. WHAT IS THIS?

OH, THAT. FOUND IT...CLEANING.

IT'S REAL?

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

PEOPLE SO STUPID TO FORGET NICE THINGS.

WE GIVE TO GUNG GUNG. HE NEEDS NEW WATCH.

[ SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

NO CREDIT FOR ROOM 15. HE STAY ONE MORE DAY NOW?

OH. OH, ROOM 15.

HE PAID IN CASH.

YOU SAY CREDIT.

NO, CASH.

YEAH?

WE CAN COUNT AFTER DINNER.

ARE YOU STEALING?

Ahma: IS THAT A CUSTOMER?

NO, MOMMY. IT'S ERNEST.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SHUT UP. I WASN'T STEALING.

I SAW YOU.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING OR...

...THIS IS YOU.

GOT IT? I'M SERIOUS.

WHAT'S THIS? MOMMY'S TIRED.

NOTHING. WE'RE JUST PLAYING.

ERNEST BROKE A PENCIL.

ERNEST.

SORRY.

AND STOLE MONEY. WHAT?

SHE'S LYING!

YEAH? YEAH.

I WAS JUST MAKING SURE THE MONEY FROM ROOM 15

WAS STILL THERE.

ROOM 15?

WELL, YOU SAID I SHOULD COUNT IT.

I SAY I WILL COUNT IT.

OH. I THOUGHT YOU SAID I WOULD COUNT IT.

I COUNT.

OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID --

WELL, IT'S THERE. YOU CAN COUNT IT.

Sam: IS THAT A PICTURE OF ME?

NO.

IT LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE ME.

IT'S NOT YOU.

I THINK IT'S ME.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU.

THAT'S OKAY.

WHETHER YOU MEANT IT OR NOT,

IT DEFINITELY LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE ME.

IT'S NOT YOU!

OKAY, OKAY. DON'T BE SO SENSITIVE.

YOU'RE STUPID.

I KNOW.

STOP!

WHAT?

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH YOU, EITHER.

COME ON. NO.

PLEASE? NO.

PRETTY PLEASE?

NO!

MY MOM SAYS SHE THINKS YOU'RE GOOFY.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU ALWAYS HANG AROUND OUTSIDE.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT GOOFY.

IT'S A COMPLIMENT. MY WHOLE FAMILY'S GOOFY.

OH.

GET OFF THE DUMPSTER.

HEY, I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE I COULD ASK MY DAD

IF HE WOULD DRIVE US TO YOUR AWARD THING.

DON'T DO THAT.

DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU NEEDED A RIDE?

THERE'S NO DINNER.

I THINK YOU'RE LYING. ARE YOU LYING?

NO.

I CAN TELL, YOU KNOW. I HAVE E.S.P.

SEE? YOU ARE LYING.

I AM NOT.

YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME TO GO TO THE DINNER.

THAT'S SO CRAPPY, ERNEST.

THERE IS NO DINNER.

FINE. WHATEVER. YOU WATCH.

I'M JUST GONNA WRITE MY OWN STORY ABOUT YOU

AND WIN MY OWN DAMN AWARD.

AND I'M NOT GONNA INVITE YOU TO MY DINNER.

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

I KNEW YOU WERE LYING.

[ BELL DINGS ]

HEY, I GOT A GREAT IDEA.

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE.

I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON. WE'LL JUST CIRCLE THE PARKING LOT.

IT'LL BE TOTALLY SAFE. TRUST ME.

I DON'T THINK THIS IS --

Shh!

LISTEN TO ME. I'LL TELL YOU THIS ONCE.

THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE

WHEN HE HAS TO MAKE A DECISION.

IF HE HAS ANY CAJONES, HE'LL THINK ABOUT HIMSELF FIRST.

Sam: THIS IS GREAT.

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB, MAN.

SHIT.

HEY, YOU LIKE GIRLS?

SURE.

THAT'S OKAY IF YOU DON'T. THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY, AT LEAST.

I LIKE GIRLS.

YEAH? ME TOO.

GOT A GIRLFRIEND?

KIND OF.

WHAT'S SHE LIKE?

WELL, SHE'S OLDER.

YEAH?

SHE'S REALLY FUN. YOU'D LIKE HER.

WELL, SHE DRINKS AND SMOKES JUST LIKE YOU.

OH? SOUNDS PERFECT.

AND SHE'S REAL PRETTY.

YEAH? HOW SO?

WELL, UM... NICE EYES, LONG HAIR.

WHAT ABOUT TITS AND ASS?

KIND OF.

YEAH? NICE.

LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET ABOUT WOMEN.

SEE, NO MATTER HOW COY THEY GET,

YOU PUT THEM IN FRONT OF SOME HIGH-QUALITY AMATEUR PORN,

AND THEY ALL GET WET.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT'S, LIKE, SCIENTIFIC.

NEVER THINK PORN IS BAD. PORN IS GOOD.

GOT IT?

UM, OKAY.

THIS IS ENOUGH PUSSYFOOTING, MAN.

I'M TIRED OF DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, ERNIE?

[ ENGINE REVS ]

PUNCH IT, BABY!

WHOO!

YOU FEEL COOL?

I'M OKAY.

YOU LOOK COOL, MAN.

YOU LOOK LIKE ONE BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.

THANKS, MOTHERFUCKER.

HERE. TAKE THIS LEFT.

COME ON. HAND OVER HAND.

HAND OVER HAND.

NICE.

ARE WE LOST?

NO. NO WAY, MAN.

WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT LOST.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE'RE GOING.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS GOOD.

NOW PRESS "SEND."

WHEN SHE PICKS UP, PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE SOME KID

WHO'S SPENDING THE NIGHT OVER AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE

AND YOU'RE FREAKED OUT, OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT. LET'S PLAY IT BY EAR.

PRESS "SEND."

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

Grace: Hi, this is Grace.

IT'S THE MACHINE!

JUST HANG UP.

HOW DO I HANG UP?

PRESS THE "END" BUTTON.

NO, NOT THAT BUTTON!

AAH, FUCK! FUCK!

ARE YOU OKAY?

FUCK, ERNIE! DAMN IT!

GOD, GET IN THIS FUCKING CENTURY, MAN!

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A CELLPHONE?

SHIT!

ALL RIGHT. RELAX.

HELP ME WITH THIS.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE MOVE THIS?

IT WAS FINE WHERE IT WAS.

GRAB THAT END.

HEY, WATCH THIS.

[ SCOFFS ]

WATCH THIS.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

NICE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ] NOT BAD.

THANKS.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, KID.

WATCH OUT.

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

SURE.

I HATE WORKING AT THE MOTEL.

I COULD IMAGINE.

YOU GOT TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLES LIKE ME ALL THE TIME, HUH?

I HATE MY FAMILY.

THAT'S LIFE, KID.

THE FIRST NOBLE TRUTH IN BUDDHISM IS THAT LIFE SUCKS.

JUST IMAGINE YOURSELF ON THE ROAD TO ENLIGHTENMENT.

HEY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

13.

THAT SUCKS.

WHEN I WAS 8, I USED TO PRAY TO GOD

THAT HE WOULD END MY LIFE WHEN I TURNED 12.

JUST TAKE ME OUT QUICK AND PAINLESSLY.

WHEN I WAS 12, I USED TO SIT IN MY ROOM WITH THE LIGHTS OFF

AND JUST WAIT FOR HIM JUST TO ZOOM!

YEP. 8 IS GREAT.

DIE AT 12 -- YOU LIVED A FULL LIFE.

ANYTHING AFTER THAT'S JUST AN INSULT.

MY MOM FORGOT MY 12th BIRTHDAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHS ]

FUCK.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!

I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY...

HAPPY RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

I HATE DOING HOMEWORK, GOING TO SCHOOL,

AND OTHER KIDS!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW!

HEAR ME!

YEAH, YOU HEAR US?!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

YEAH, I WANT TO BE HAPPY, TOO!

RIGHT NOW!

RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

RIGHT NOW!

ALL RIGHT, ERNIE. END OF THE LINE.

TOMORROW WE'LL GET YOU LAID, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, WAIT.

WELL, I HAD FUN --

NOT FUN, BUT, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW.

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, THAT'S MY SHIT.

IT'S COOL. NO, IT'S NOT.

LOOK, I'LL PAY YOU BACK. NOTHING LIKE A GOOD SMOKE.

ERNEST, DON'T BE SUCH A 'TARD.

STICK TO EGG ROLLS.

HEY!

YOU GUYS CAN'T SKATE HERE.

OR WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA PULL SOME JACKIE CHAN SHIT ON US?

SERIOUSLY.

LOOK, IF I BREAK MY HIP, I PROMISE I WON'T SUE YOU.

ISN'T YOUR NAME TOBY?

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW?

WE'RE IN URBAN SOC TOGETHER.

OH, YEAH. HEY.

HEY, TOBY, WHO'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

UH...

CHRISTINE.

YEAH, CHRISTINE.

HEY, CHRISTINE,

WANT TO HOOK US UP WITH SOME CHOP SUEY?

WE DON'T HAVE CHOP SUEY.

OR WHATEVER. SOME DUMPLINGS.

UM...I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE.

HEY, GUYS, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

DUDE, WE'RE GONNA GET FREE FOOD.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.

IT'D BE WRONG FOR ME NOT TO KICK YOUR ASS BEFORE WE LEFT --

A GOODBYE GIFT.

ROY. SHUT UP.

WHY DON'T YOU TURN AROUND, CHICKEN?

I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS FOR BEING CHICKEN,

YOU LITTLE CHICKEN SHIT.

CUT IT OUT, ROY!

SHUT UP.

COME ON, YOU CHICKEN.

WHY DON'T YOU TURN AROUND, CHINK?

OH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, CHINK?

IS THAT IT, CHINK?

AW, CHINKY BABY DOESN'T LIKE THAT.

POOR CHINKY BOY. KEEP WALKING, YOU CHICKEN CHINK.

COME ON, YOU POOR CHINKY BOY. KEEP WALKING.

YOU'RE POOR AND STUPID.

YOU'RE POOR, STUPID,

AND YOUR FATHER'S A DRUNK, AND HE BEATS YOUR MOTHER.

YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP TO BE A DRUNK,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE POOR AND STUPID FOREVER.

AND YOU'RE GAY!

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

Sam: YEAH, I'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL IN NO TIME, MAN.

YES. YES, MA'AM. ALL RIGHT.

JUST E-MAIL ME THOSE REPORTS, AND I'LL GET THEM BACK TO YOU.

OKAY! SHIT. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU. BYE.

FUCK.

UGH! SHIT. THAT WAS ROUGH.

DAMN! LOOK AT ME.

SCOTCH AND CHINESE FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I KEEP FROM PASSING OUT.

HOW'S SCHOOL, DUDE?

SCHOOL'S REALLY GOOD. I GOT BEAT UP, THOUGH.

THAT SUCKS.

NO, IT'S GREAT.

OKAY.

YOU HUNGRY?

DID YOU GET MY STORY?

GOOD THING I GOT THE LO MEIN.

I'M HUNGRY AS HELL FOR SOME GOOD CHINESE FOOD.

SHE'S CUTE, MAN. YOU GOT GOOD TASTE.

REAL CUTE.

WHAT IS SHE -- LIKE, 15, 16?

NICE ASS. KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

DON'T THINK I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS CHINESE.

DUDE, I WOULD HAVE WARNED YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER.

SHE'S NOT GONNA GO FOR YOU.

YOU'RE CHINESE, MAN.

SHE'S LOOKING FOR SOME GUY TO COME IN

AND SAVE HER FROM ALL THAT.

ALL YOU DO IS REMIND HER OF IT.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO GET WITH HER?

HERE'S MY ADVICE.

YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING -- LIKE, REALLY DO SOMETHING.

NO MORE STORIES AND SHIT.

YOU COULD WRITE 200 STORIES ABOUT HER.

SHE'S NOT GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU, UNDERSTAND?

ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO GET WITH HER.

FOOLPROOF PLAN. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

SAM IS HERE FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA GET LAID... TONIGHT.

HOW COME ROOM 15 DIDN'T PAY? 3 DAYS NOW?

OH, ROOM 15.

DON'T WORRY. SAM WILL PAY.

WHO'S SAM? YOU KNOW EVERYBODY BY NAME NOW?

SAM WILL PAY? WHEN?

MAIL US CHECK? SEND US GIFT?

DON'T WORRY. HE'S MY FRIEND. MM-HMM.

I CAN PAY FOR HIS RENT. THAT'S HIS WATCH.

THAT FAKE.

IT'S NOT FAKE. IT'S REAL.

IT'S FAKE.

YOU SAID IT WAS REAL.

FAKE FROM CHINA.

EAT.

I'M NOT HUNGRY.

WHY? BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER.

STUPID STORY.

YOU READ THAT? I DID NOT READ.

I DO NOT NEED TO READ TO KNOW IT'S STUPID.

YOU'RE STUPID.

HUH? WHAT YOU SAY?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, I HATE YOU!

YOU HATE ME? YOU HATE ME?!

YES, I HATE YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU HATE ME, I HATE YOU, TOO, OKAY? I DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE A MEAN, UGLY, OLD LADY, AND YOU MAKE EVERYBODY GO AWAY.

[ HORN HONKS ]

GET LOST, PERVERT.

CHRIS. OH, MY GOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! IS THAT YOUR MOM'S CAR?

COME ON. GET IN.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOUR MOM'S GONNA KILL YOU.

WELL, SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO MAKE A DECISION.

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY, UH, CANNOLIS,

YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FIRST.

AND I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THAT ONCE.

CAN YOU EVEN REACH THE PEDALS?

ARE YOU COMING OR WHAT?

I-I DON'T KNOW.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. I'M COMING.

WE'RE BOTH GONNA GET IN HUGE TROUBLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

WHOOOOO!

WHOO!

AWESOME! WHOOOOO!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

ERNEST, DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING?

OF COURSE. WE'RE GOING TO THE AWARD DINNER.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE IT IS.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING,

YOU SHOULDN'T KEEP DRIVING.

WHAT IF WE RUN OUT OF GAS?

WE'LL GET GAS.

THE TANK'S ALMOST EMPTY. PULL OVER.

LET ME LOOK AT A MAP.

I'M NOT GONNA PULL OVER.

WHAT'D THAT SIGN SAY AGAIN?

WE'RE NOT LOST!

JESUS! ERNEST, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

I WANT TO GO HOME NOW. THIS ISN'T FUN ANYMORE.

WHAT?

I WANT TO KISS YOU.

ERNEST, STOP. YOU'RE GROSSING ME OUT.

I-I LIKE YOU.

DON'T BE STUPID.

I LIKE YOU, TOO, BUT NOT THAT WAY.

YOU'RE LIKE MY KID BROTHER OR SOMETHING.

STOP IT.

I-I WANT TO FUCK YOU. WHAT?!

I WANT TO TAKE MY HARD COCK AND PUT IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

UGH! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I JUST WANTED TO PROVE I'M A MAN.

BUT YOU AREN'T, DORK.

WELL, I'M TRYING.

WELL, TRY ON SOMEONE ELSE.

CHRIS...

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT US --

I DON'T KNOW -- LIKE MARRIED AND STUFF.

WHAT?!

I MEAN, NOT FOR REAL, BUT, LIKE, IN THE FUTURE.

LIKE, WE'RE MARRIED, AND WE LIVE SOMEWHERE NICE.

OH, MY GOD. I WOULD NEVER MARRY YOU.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

ERNEST, LET'S GO HOME.

GET OUT. WHAT?

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

NO. GET OUT!

ARE YOU CRAZY? WANT ME TO GET KILLED?

I DON'T CARE. I HATE YOU!

GET OUT OF THE CAR! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SPAZ? YOU'RE BEING SUCH A CREEP!

[ HORN BLARING ]

LEAVE! GET OUT OF THE CAR!

I'M NOT LEAVING. YOU LEAVE!

[ HORN HONKING ]

UGH!

THINK THAT WAS SMART? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

YOU'RE BEING SUCH AN IDIOT. WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT?

WHAT THE HELL?!

UGH!

THAT WAS REALLY SMART.

SHIT!

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD COME BY THE RESTAURANT ANYMORE.

[ UP-TEMPO POP MUSIC PLAYS ]

* YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE *

* TAKE A STEP BEHIND

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

HEY, MAN. YOU DRIVE LIKE A FUCKING CHINK.

Ernest: YOU HAVE TO GO.

[ SCOFFS ]

YOU GOT TO GO.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

YOU ARE!

I'M SERIOUS.

GO PLAY WITH YOURSELF.

YOU GOT TO GO.

MAKE ME.

COME ON. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING!

GET ANGRY!

COME ON! GET MAD!

THIS IS PUSSY SHIT!

COME ON!

GET PISSED!

GOOD.

NOW HIT ME.

COME ON, BOY. GIVE ME A GOOD WHACK!

HIT ME!!

UGH. YEAH. THAT'S IT.

COME ON. DON'T STOP.

WHAT KIND OF PUSSY ARE YOU, HUH?!

COME ON, YOU FUCK!

DO IT, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!

HIT ME!

COME ON! DO IT, YOU LITTLE FREAK!

AAH! AAH!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ PANTS ]

[ SIGHS ]

I FEEL LIKE I'M 12 YEARS OLD AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, GET UP.

THE GAME IS OVER.

I GET THE IDEA.

YOU GOT ME GOOD, THOUGH.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF I HAD SOME INTERNAL BLEEDING.

GET IN THERE, BUDDY.

[ SIGHS ]

I THINK I NEED SOME ICE OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT NOW, ERNIE.

TOMORROW WE'RE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS AGAIN, YOU AND ME.

YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU HAVE TO GO.

YOU WANT ME TO GO?

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF I GO?

HEY, IF I GO, I'M NOT COMING BACK, MAN.

JUST LIKE YOUR DAD, I'M GONE.

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY DAD.

HEY, YOU NEED ME.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE.

YOU GOT TO PAY.

OKAY.

I TRIED.

YOU CAN'T SAY I DIDN'T TRY.

HERE.

THE EXTRA'S A TIP.

IT'S BEEN FUN.

[ CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

* THESE I CALL DESPERATE TIMES

* WHEN I'M DESPERATE TO LOCK MY HEART IN A JAR *

* AND SAVE IT FOR A BREAK OR TWO *

* THREE TIMES I BEGGED YOU TO GUARD ME *

* AS IF IT IS YOUR DUTY TO SAVE ME FROM THIS *

* IT'S ALL ON YOU, DARLING

* I GET SO ANGRY

* I BREAK IN HALF AND STAB YOU WITH PART OF ME *

* A JAGGED EDGE WOULD HURT LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE *

* AND I KNOW IT BETTER THAN YOU, DARLING *

* THE SONGS JUST POUR OUT, AND I HAVE LOTS TO SAY *

* BUT MY MOUTH IS TOO DRY TO SPEAK *

* WITHOUT A TEAR WARMING MY BREATH *

* IT COMES AS I BLEED OVER YOU