Original subtitles

(MUSIC)

Well...

...I have to go.

Ooh. Off to work?

- Off to work. - Yeah.

Escape.

Escape!

What would you do if the world was actually ending?

I'd come visit you.

Here?

Yeah, I'd bring the entire family.

All seven of you?

- And Myrtle. - Right.

Right.

That's all right, isn't it?

I mean, it's a lovely thought.

I'm not sure it's practical.

I mean, we'd have to get a very big shop in.

Oh, come on! It's worth it.

You'd want to usher in the apocalypse surrounded by my children, wouldn't you?

Would... Would Tesco's still be working if everyone knew the world was ending?

They might not have any toilet roll left.

But we're easy.

You know, whatever you can rustle up.

I mean, it's a lovely... It's a lovely thought.

Just make a big omelette. We'll be fine.

I'm not sure it would be practical.

- Can I just say, if it does end... - Yeah.

...just hold off for a little bit on that. Is that OK?

It depends how long we've got, though. It's quite a long drive.

Yeah, well, I tell you what.

Hopefully we'd all perish before you actually arrived.

- Cos it is quite a way, isn't it? - Hopefully?

But I'd know that you were coming, and that would make me feel good,

but then you wouldn't actually get here

because that would be difficult.

So, what would you do?

Uh...

Do I know the world is ending?

What do you mean?

Do I know the world's ending?

Has it been announced?

I don't fucking know. It's your hypothetical situation.

You've got to give me some details.

Do I know the end is coming?

Yes, you do.

I would have a nap.

You'd have a nap?

Well, I can nap anywhere.

And if it... If it was a surprise?

Er, well, then I wouldn't know it was coming, would I?

So I would just be doing normal things.

More than likely, I would be talking to you.

- Yes. - Exactly like this.

Sorry, it's, um... It's chaos here.

Everything all right?

The suitcases are back.

So, right, if we can just go through this a couple of times,

even just once, we'll be good to go.

7.30 start.

Yeah. So, our scene's up first live, and then they do the auction.

Ooh, getting close!

I'm really looking forward to it.

Yeah, we just need to get David to leave first.

Yeah, Michael's heading to the airport in a couple of hours.

-Aren't you going with him? - Nope, I'm going to Sweden tomorrow.

Sweden?

The rules have changed.

So, he can get to New York, but he has to isolate.

We don't want Lyra to isolate.

And he has to go to New York?

There's a wedding.

He's the best man. He's written a speech.

Well, doesn't he have to isolate too, though?

He's booked a room across the road of the ceremony,

so he's going to shout his speech.

- Are you joking? - Mm-nm.

He's very proud of himself.

Thinks he's found the one loophole.

Well, you're going to have a lovely time.

- Shall we? - Yeah, sure.

Sorry, we do actually just need to wait for David to leave.

- Oh, yeah. OK. No rush. - Like, two minutes.

He's on a call with Michael.

I know, it's just that the car's here and double parked,

so he... He won't be long.

MICHAEL: The birds are flying away.

Yeah, they do that this time of year.

How do they stay in formation?

You know I'm not an ornithologist?

- Er, I am aware of that fact. - Yeah.

But I was just wondering if you might hazard a guess.

I would hazard that they follow the one in front...

Ah, probably.

...until they get home.

Like the elephants.

Like the elephants.

I'm finding this quite difficult.

Ah, don't be silly.

- Time to go. - Time to go.

- To work. - To work!

Crossing the Severn Bridge.

Yes. Crossing the...

You all right?

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Yeah.

Anna and Lyra aren't coming to New York.

- Oh. - Am I a bad father?

- No. - Am I a bad friend?

- No. - No.

But I do have to go.

You do have to go.

Hey, listen, though.

- We did it. - (CHUCKLES) We did do it.

Yeah. Sanity intact.

Intact-ish.

Just about serviceable.

Yeah, I mean, enough for jazz.

Probably quite good for jazz.

Absolutely. And we never ran out of things to say.

Is that true?

Well, I did have to do a lot of the heavy lifting.

Oh, fuck you.

Well, no, only when you were having your existential crisis.

- You had one of those, too! - Yes, but mine was smaller

- because I have a smaller existence. - Yeah.

And I had time, therefore, to keep the badinage going.

Well, thank goodness

you had all those years of experience to fall back on.

Yes, well, love, I have the craft of improv.

Pew-pew!

Oh, Spidey.

- Yes! - Improv. Spider web!

Yes! Oh, here comes my zap, pow, bang, wallop!

- Ptchoo! - Wey-hey!

Come on, serve me one up. Serve me one up.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes! Here it comes!

- Oh, and there it is! - Oh, no!

He's coming back. He's coming back. He's coming back!

And pew!

Oh, in my face!

- Like improv jizz. - Oh, yeah!

There must be things that we still haven't talked about.

- No, I really have to go. - Books!

- No. - We never did books.

- No. I don't care. I have to go. - Come on!

- They're waiting for me outside. - Come on.

I'm going. I have to go. This is me. I'm leaving.

No...

- No... - (GASPS)

Books!

(GRUFFLY) Books!

Their conversations are like gas.

It just expands to fit whatever vessel they put it into.

I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone.

I think it's a fear of silence.

Oh.

I like silence.

I adore it.

That's cos you have a one-year-old.

Silence is like...

(CAR HORN BLARES)

For fuck's sake, David!

- Did you hear that? - No. Books!

- Normality beckons. - Normality can wait.

- Georgia's shouting on me. - She can wait too.

- Yeah, well, my taxi can't. - I'm going to ask anyway.

Have you read The Last Question?

- Oh, let me think... No! - Right.

It is about the circularity of time.

Oh, my God!

A thing begins where it ends, and vice versa.

- Hmm. OK! - Ouroboros, the eternal snake

who eats his own tail.

Jesus! Pretension sticks to you like peanut butter, doesn't it?

Gloms onto you.

Sticks in your beard.

(GULPS)

GEORGIA: OK. So it's a really simple system.

We're basically just going to stream it from our laptops.

- Great. - Yeah.

- Ladies, may I moot an idea? - Hmm?

Can we work together again?

I just... My agent's gone quiet and...and...

...I just thought maybe I could write something for us.

- What? - I feel like strong women

saving fragile men maybe is feeling a little bit stale now.

- Hmm. - Yes.

So something else. But I just think this next bit's going to be harder

because everyone's feeling so fragile.

(CAR HORN BLARES)

Oh, for fuck's sake!

We've never talked about...

...love.

- (DOOR OPENS) - Oh.

GEORGIA: Can you get off that machine and out of the house

before I bury you in the garden with your fucking goldfish?

- Hi, Michael. - Hi, Georgia.

Hi. Could you let him go?

- Happily. - OK.

OK. (CLEARS HIS THROAT)

You on... You on set today?

Yes, this very evening.

Ooh! Night shoots!

- Breaking us straight back in! - Yeah. What time do you wrap?

Oh, middle of the night, I would've thought.

Well, Cardiff is lovely in the middle of the night.

I'm very excited.

(MICHAEL CHUCKLES)

What if I can't remember how to do it?

- Act? - Yeah.

No! It's easy-peasy, man!

- Course it is! - If the two of us can do it...

It's just that I have no other discernible skills.

- That's true. - It's pretending.

It's just pretending.

- Right, this is it. I have to go. - Right you are.

I'm still not ready.

Georgia's really angry.

Well, I'll miss this.

Listen, we've got so much still to talk about.

- Yes! - Next time.

Yeah.

No! No!

Argh!

- OK. Cases are in the car. - OK. Great. Thank you.

- OK. Wallet? - Yes.

- Phone? - Yes.

- Keys? - Yes.

- Yay, excellent! - Good luck with the thing tonight.

- Feeling ready? - Well, I would be

if I was allowed to go and rehearse,

- which is what I should be doing now. - Oh, shall I go and say hi?

- No. - What time's it at? 7.30?

- 7.30. - Right, well, I'm gonna be on set,

but I'm gonna be thinking of you. Right. Here I go.

Feeling ready?

Well, I've learnt my lines.

Have you?

- I've read them out loud. - Sure.

- Laptop? - Fuck.

Sorry!

He'll just be two minutes!

I know.

I know he is a fucking dickhead. Imagine being married to him!

Oh, you did the TARDIS joke!

It's really funny, no-one ever does that.

Driver's a fan.

Aw, nice.

Mask?

- No. - For fuck's sake.

Sorry. One last thing. Be right there.

- The driver is not a fan. - How long's your journey?

Three hours.

Oh, it's going to be fun.

- There's so much I wanna say. - Aw...

I just really need to miss you...

...which I can do the moment you leave.

OK. Yeah.

- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.

Oh, thank fuck.

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

All right?

Yeah. Fine.

Can I make a confession?

Always!

I might have put David's grey hoodie in the rubbish last night.

And they took away the bins this morning.

So...

Anyway...shall we?

- Yeah. - OK.

Just a minute.

No rush.

This is a bad time, is it?

No, no. Um, I'm just getting ready for...

We're filming the thing for Georgia.

- Oh, yeah. No, sure. Cool. - Yeah, so I've just got to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a bad time.

No, no, no, it's fine. Honestly.

I've just got, uh, five minutes.

I tell you what's happened. I've got the time difference wrong, haven't I?

You've got the time difference wrong.

That's on me. Again.

- I'm coming home. - What?

- When? - Uh...

Soon.

Today. Now. There's a car outside now.

But what about the rewrites?

No need.

- No need? - Phoebe's going to do them.

Right.

It is funnier. She's made it funnier.

That's good.

Well, you can't write women.

You're not supposed to say that.

- You're not... That's not... - But you can't.

Yeah, but Team Simon?

- (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) - Oh, yeah! Team Simon!

Whoo! Yeah.

How much of this have you changed for this thing that you're doing?

How much of what I wrote have you...? What have you changed?

Just the pronouns.

- Hey! Hi, baby! - Hey, babe!

How are you? How'd it go?

Mmm! Yeah, really well, thanks.

How was the scene?

Yeah, it was really... It was really good.

Yeah?

- Anna and Lucy were very funny. - Right.

I was hilarious, obviously.

- Possible spin-off? - Well, never say never.

I don't think you've ever told me what the scene was.

Oh, it's, um...

Well, it's a version of that scene that you did in series one,

where you're all talking over each other,

only Anna's Michael, Lucy's Simon and I'm you.

Ah!

- Yeah. - People liked it, did they?

Yeah, it was really interesting, actually.

Most people said that they preferred it to the original.

- Did they? - Hmm.

- Most people? - Across the board, actually.

- Right. - Yeah.

And were these people you would trust, or...?

- Oh, with my life. - Surprising, but...

- Mmm. - OK, OK.

And did you hit all your targets?

We exceeded them.

Very good.

Yeah.

The baby did threaten to derail it at one point,

- but she settled back down. - What was the problem?

I don't know. The little bitch wouldn't tell me.

- How's filming? - Fine.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.

Where are you?

- I'm in the hotel room. - Are you sat on a loo?

This is the only place the Wi-Fi would work. Promise.

Sure, yeah. No, sure.

You know, it felt a bit odd, actually.

- What, on set? - Yeah, I felt nervous.

- Nervous? - Yeah.

I know! That didn't used to happen.

- No. - I feel sort of flabby.

Flabby?

Yeah. You know, intellectually flabby.

Yeah. I mean, not obviously...

Like, I couldn't remember quite how to do it.

Oh.

Well...

- That'll get better. - Yeah.

Bet Michael wouldn't have felt nervous.

Hmm.

I miss you, baby.

I miss you too, baby.

- (BEEPING) - Oh, it's Michael!

Aw, course it is.

Shall I let him in? I'll let him in.

Be nice to see New York.

(NEW YORK ACCENT) Hey, the big cheese in the Big Apple!

Hello!

What the fuck are you wearing?

- Hi, Michael. - Hello, Georgia.

That's not New York.

Oh, do you know, I've often said that your husband

has the observational skills of a pewter tankard.

And I have yet to disagree with you.

You're still at home!

God, there is no getting past you, is there, Sherlock?

Is Anna still there too?

- Oh, there she is. Anna! - Hi, there.

Ooh, don't you look dandy?

Thank you.

It's only you letting the side down, college boy.

Well, nobody told me there was a fucking dress code, did they?

Are you in a toilet?

I am in the toilet because it's the only place that the Wi-Fi works

in this crappy hotel room.

Is he always this cranky late at night, Georgia?

Yeah, always.

- G, did you know about this? - Yeah!

I spent the whole evening with Anna and Michael. It was clearly in the background.

- What happened to the wedding? - All right, erm...

Say hello to New York. Say hello to David.

Hello, David.

Hi.

I'm Michael's best friend.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Really?

Now, that kind of territorial approach

is going to get David a wee bit ticked off.

Yeah.

Now, why don't you fuck off back to your party and your new wife?

All right?

- Say bye to everyone. - Congratulations!

- Bye! - Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

So, you dialled in in the end?

It seemed appropriate.

Right. And at no point in the long, long run-up

to the endless conversations about this, that never occurred to you?

Look, computers are not my bag.

- Right. - Did you do your speech?

He got a bit nervous.

- Oh, did you? - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - No, I was fine.

After two whiskies and a packet of crisps.

Yes, well, we all have our methods,

- don't we? - He was pacing up and down

saying he'd forgotten how to do it.

I had...a minor wobble.

Did you have a wee wobble?

I had a wobble-ette.

- What about Sweden? - We are going tomorrow.

- Aw! - Where are you?

(WELSH ACCENT) I'm in Cardiff, in't I?

Oh, of course.

Iechyd da!

- Of course you are. How was filming? - Yeah, it was fine.

- Yeah? Really? - It's like riding a bike.

Yeah? I've never seen you ride a bike.

Well, I have ridden a bike

and therefore I'm capable of doing it again.

Right. OK. So no nerves?

Nothing. Cool as a cucumber,

What about the, you know, flabbiness?

That was...

It's not a conversation we need to share.

I think we've gone past that. I think we share everything.

I was cool as a cucumber,

and that's all you need to know.

(MICHAEL CHUCKLES)

So, listen, how far away am I?

W-What's the distance between Cardiff and Port Talbot?

About 40 minutes.

Come on. Shall I come and visit?

- Now? - Yeah, shall I come and visit?

(WHISPERS)

- Nah. - Oh, you grumpy bastards.

No, it's late. Come on.

I haven't seen you in months!

Yeah, and I know it's been very hard for you, but...

Oh, you're an infuriating human being.

Oh, and you're a very rude person.

I am not!

Just willy-nilly inviting yourself round into people's houses.

It's not like that in Wales, David.

You're not in Scotland now.

Well, I am merely pointing out that I'm in the vicinity.

Well, point made. Thank you very much.

Nos da, goodnight, cheers.

Shove your leek up your arse.

- Hi, baby! - Hi!

- This is a lovely surprise. - Yeah, well, I mean,

I want to say it's because I missed you so much.

Yeah.

But I just really needed to get away from our kids.

No, sure. You brought this little one.

Yeah, I had to bring that one otherwise my tits explode.

Of course. Is anyone looking after the other kids, or...?

No, I just left them on their own with some stale bread

and some candlestick stumps.

- They'll be fine. - Well, they're very resilient.

- They are, yeah. - Yeah.

- Aw! - I brought you a packed lunch.

Aren't you the perfect wife?

I am, kind of, yeah.

There's not actually anything in here.

No, well, Wales is a really long way.

Of course, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to make out?

I'd love to. Unfortunately, I am supposed to have been in make-up

four minutes ago, so...

Oh, OK. Well, I'll go home, then.

I mean, stay and chat for a bit.

OK.

- What do you want to talk about? - Books.

- Books? - Books. I want to talk about books.

Right.

I don't historically have a lot to say about books.

- OK, well, let's give it a go. - Yeah.

- What was the last book that you read? - Erm, I don't know.

What was the last book that you bought me?

No idea.

Cos I know I definitely didn't read that one.

Excellent. Well, this is going well, isn't it?

- (KNOCK ON WINDOW) - Argh!

- Oh, my... - Bloody useless!

It's the old man of Port Talbot.

We've been here for hours, posing.

Oh!

- Look at you, in the flesh! - Here I am!

I can't believe it!

All the bloody, "Oh, I'm a listener, to you, to me."

I mean, I was here for hours.

There's very little actual charisma, though.

You sort of just disappear into a wall.

Can't hear you, sorry.

If you put your mask on, I'll wind the window down.

Put your mask on, I'll wind the window down.

- Ah! - All right?

- There he is! - Hello, Georgia. You all right?

- Hi. - Look at this!

- I know. - How long have you got

before you've got to go to work?

I'm meant to have been in make-up eight minutes ago.

- Right. - Yeah. When's your flight?

Er, yes!

All right. All right. All right.

We are...mmm, yes, quite late already.

OK.

But, you know, you wanted to work, didn't you?

You wanted to travel. Here we are.

I guess that worked out, then.

Look at you!

- Look, I'll get you on the computer. - Yes, yes. OK. Hello, Georgia!

- Hi, Michael. - Ah, yeah.

I can't...I can't...I can't hear through these things, anyway.

No, don't worry.

I'll...I'll... Yeah.

- All right. - See you later.

- Lovely to see you, Georgia. - You too, Michael.

- See you, Anna. - Bye, Anna!

Bye.

- Aw. - Yeah.

GEORGIA: He looks like the Hobbit.

Ah, didn't record.

Oh, well. Um...

Did it record here?

Did we even slate it?

- For fuck's sake! - Have you turned it off yet?

I don't know, because I pressed the button...

I don't know if I pressed it.

- Still running. - Still running, OK.

So this is an end slate.

That was 11. 7-11-3.

Which we might not have any sound for.

We've got on there and we've got it on here.

That's turned off.

Good luck.

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