Original subtitles

DAVID: Oh, why do we do it?

MICHAEL: What?

DAVID: Act.

(EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT) She's a cruel and fickle mistress.

I think, you know, that particular mistress

has been rather generous with her favours to you and me.

Yeah, but I'm...striving for pathos.

Sorry. Strive away.

We should quit.

What?

It's a young man's game, innit?

MICHAEL: I'm only 50!

DAVID: We can do other things.

MICHAEL: You have zero discernible skills beyond pretending.

Is there something else you were gonna do if you hadn't ended up doing this?

I was going to be a footballer.

I was!

Yeah.

DAVID: Yeah, I could have been a minister of the church.

MICHAEL: Yeah? No... No problem with the cassock?

DAVID: Not having kilted!

MICHAEL: Of course!

When one has welcomed the breeze to dust one's lower branches,

there's...there's no going back.

No, well, you need to do something to keep the flies off your haggis.

DAVID: Exactly, yeah.

MICHAEL: The priest and the footballer.

DAVID: Yeah. You might struggle a bit, at first.

MICHAEL: Why?

Well, you know, you're not in...you're not,

you don't...you're not in the...

...absolute kind of...

...optimum state of physical peak.

Oh! I will have you know,

I'm a fucking paragon of human fitness, mate!

- Are you? - What about you?

You would need a total spiritual overhaul!

DAVID: I have led a very good life.

Or a note from the Pope.

Oh, fuck off.

Absolving you of all your sins.

I did a little sermon during lockdown, actually.

One of the goldfish died. We had a little funeral.

- Aw. - Put it in a matchbox.

Buried it at the bottom of the garden.

Aw, that's nice.

- Said a few words. - Yeah? What did you say?

Just very wise, spiritual kind of wiseness.

Um...said it had gone to a happier place.

Well, the end of the garden.

- Yeah. It's very nice down there. - I remember.

Did you consider...

...burying it at sea?

My daughter suggested that, actually.

Yeah, well, she has a very keen mind.

Well, she does, yeah.

- What did you say to her? - Not much.

You know, you could say that the gateway to heaven

is found through the earth.

Yeah... I think that's a bit misleading, isn't it?

Hmm, maybe.

I mean, that's the sort of thing that'll get her in trouble later -

trying to bury a carp in the park, get her arrested.

Yeah, well, better stick with acting, then.

I suppose so, yeah.

It's gonna rain later.

It's raining now.

- DAVID: I'm embracing this. - MICHAEL: How d'you mean?

My shoot dates have changed again. And location.

What, no South Africa?

- No. Italy now. - Still nice.

So I'm embracing the fact that I have no control over events

and I'm going to welcome to the role that chaos needs to play in my life.

Right. How... How are you doing that?

Well, I made peace with what's happened with Staged.

Ah, yes. Well, me too.

Well, you didn't really want to go in the first place, so...

I like America.

The game is happening, OK?

But it's being played far away by unknowable strangers.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Has this ever happened to you before?

Once.

- You got recast? - I did.

- Who by? - Don't want to say.

- But you know? - I know.

- Well, come on. - No, can't.

- Why not? - Because I am doing something about it.

What?

Can you keep a secret?

Evidently.

I am befriending him,

slowly and methodically,

engineering ways for us to work together,

over a number of years,

insinuating my way into his life...

...the better to exact my slow...

...and decisive...

...revenge.

- Hi! - Hello!

Nina! Hello! Hi! Oh, God, it's lovely to see you.

Yeah, it's lovely to see you too!

Ah, this is exciting!

It's really exciting.

More Staged!

- More Staged! - Yay!

- Oh! - Oh, my word! How have you been?

Yeah, good, I think. Yeah, great. You?

I'm fine. Strange, you know?

I do know. Yeah.

The whole thing has been so weird.

Mm-hm.

And I think, you know, this bit's even weirder, somehow,

cos everyone's...everyone's trying to get into the swing of things, you know,

but... Oh, God, it's happening faster for some than others, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose it is!

- Um, I was offered a play. - Oh, great!

Then, yeah, we weren't allowed to do the play.

- Right. - It's difficult.

Sure. No, I understand.

Yeah, and I feel like, sometimes, you know, I want to kill someone.

But I won't.

- No, best not. - No.

Cos I should have been an astronaut.

- Was that an option? - No.

- How are you? - Good.

Actually, where are you?

Oh, er, ha-ha!

I'm in Los Angeles.

- What are you doing there? - Um, getting ready to film.

Oh, exciting! What?

Staged.

The second series is set in Los Angeles?

What have you been told?

Well, um, actually, not much.

- "Doing more Staged." - Uh-huh.

"They want you for Jo again." Er, "Can you talk to Simon?"

Ah.

- So here I am. - Here you are. Er...

Right, OK, so there's a couple of things that you should have been told

that it seems you haven't been told.

And what are they?

Er, well, so, it's not a sequel,

it's a sort of remake...

Oh, OK.

...for the American market.

Hence Los Angeles. Yeah.

Hence Los Angeles. And...

And-And-And... And the most crucial thing,

and I'm sort of a bit sorry that I've got to be the one to tell you this,

but we're going to be doing it without, er, David,

or, and, er, Michael.

Why?

Er, so, er, the producers

don't think that they are quite big enough names

for the American market. Er...

- But I am? - Well, you're not the lead.

- That's... - True.

- That is not quite what I sort of meant. - Right.

I sort of meant you sort of are the lead of the sort of...

Yeah, no. Well, what... I mean, yeah. No, I... Hm.

And what I've done... So what I have done, I've worked really, really hard

to try and make sure that all of the original sort of supporting cast

can sort of stick around and be a part of it, but it...

It does mean we have to replace those two...those two leads.

Oh, with who?

Er... Un...unconfirmed.

But you've managed to keep yourself involved?

Er, well, yeah, cos I sort of created it last time,

and sort of directed that, er, that sort of version of it, so...

And you're directing this time?

- Er, no. No, I'm not. - Why not?

Er, because people don't think I actually did anything...last time.

- So... - I get that.

Er... Um, but... Well, except I am doing rewrites.

I mean, I thought David and Michael improvised most of it, didn't they?

No, no, no, they didn't, did they? They didn't do that.

They didn't improvise it, did they? I-I wrote it, didn't I?

I typed the whole thing. Look, I've got pieces of blue card,

and I wrote... I write the thing, and then I put them on the wall,

and then I write, write, write, write, write,

and we don't say that they wrote it, or improvised it, cos they didn't, did they?

We don't say that, did they? Cos they didn't.

Do David and Michael know?

Er, they've been told, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. How did they take it?

Well, I haven't actually spoken to them about it.

Would they know about me?

No.

They're gonna be upset.

Er, so is there a version where we don't tell them?

Until we sort of get the thing off the ground?

Why?

They're unpredictable.

- They are my friends. - Yes, they are your friends.

Wow.

OK.

So, you know, good news and bad news, then.

No, good news, good news, good news.

OK. Yeah, no, yeah. Um...

You kind of need to speak to them, don't you...

- Yeah, I'll do that. I'll give them a... - ...at some point?

Cos, you know, I'll probably get a... Or I... I don't know. So I don't know what...

Yeah, you just... You just leave that with me. I will...

- Yeah, you talk to them. - Yeah, I'll give them a call.

Ah, shit!

Can you move this suitcase?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cos I don't think the hallway should be used as an obstacle course.

No, I've just been feeding the goldfish.

- We never got another one. - No, you didn't.

- We had two and now we've got one. - Agreed.

- That's how death works. - And maths.

I'm worried that the one that's left behind's getting a wee bit depressed.

- Oh, I don't have time for this. - What do you mean?

Well, it's just I sense that you were segueing into some tangent

about short-term memory, and I just don't... I haven't got time to play.

You love my tangents!

Yeah, sure. It's just that Lucy's coming.

- Today? - Yeah.

- What, right now? - Yeah, for a charity thing.

Like, in the flesh? Like, Zoom doesn't cut it any more?

- Yeah. Normality beckons, babe. - Is that safe?

Yeah, I think so, as long as we stay a certain distance apart

and use our own mugs

and don't stick our hands in the cookie jar at the same time,

and, oh, also, more importantly,

we don't crack our heads open by tripping over your fucking suitcase.

- Yeah. I'll move it. - Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.

What would you have done if you weren't doing this?

- What is it you think I do? - Come on.

What's... What's... What's the... What's the dream?

Um...

...archaeologist.

I never knew that.

- Oh, God, I've done it again! - What?

You've sucked me in. You're like a black hole!

Don't be mean to me!

Oh, look, Michael is your procrastination buddy,

and I am your wife, and I've got stuff to do,

and you really need to not be here when that happens.

I understand.

Can you move the fucking suitcases?

- It's not an installation. - OK, good.

OK? I'm just really... I'm sad to unpack.

OK. It's just that you packed for South Africa

- and now you're going to Italy. - I am.

- You're gonna need different things. - Yeah. I know.

OK.

It's just that normality beckons a little less urgently for me.

And that will change.

I've just got a lot of stuff to process, and feelings and...

Yeah, it's just the rest of us just have to get on with it.

I'm just a bit worried that the goldfish that's left behind

would do anything to have its little buddy to play around the castle with.

OK.

I think that the goldfish left behind

forgot about the other goldfish within seconds.

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)

Who is it?

It's Nina.

- Oh! Hi, Nina! - Hi, Nina.

MICHAEL: He'll be with us in a couple of minutes.

OK. Good.

You all right?

- It's everyone else. - I understand.

Adrian, Nina, Lucy...

- Sam? - Yeah.

- Dame Judi? - Of course.

- And Simon. - And Simon, yeah.

So the game is happening

but it's not being played miles away by unknowable strangers,

it's being played by all our fucking friends!

- I know. - And Simon.

- How can he not tell us? - I know.

He was a fucking amoeba before he worked with us!

That show would have been nothing without us!

If he does the whole "I fucking wrote it" shtick...

- No. - It's principles!

- I know. - I have principles. Fairness and honesty.

My father was a minister, Church of Scotland minister, right?

I can talk to you about principles.

I thought you were embracing chaos.

Everyone else is doing it!

- I know. - I want to do it too!

Anna...

...thinks that we should, um,

sort of try and stay calm with him.

Why?

Because he's on one side of the line

and we're...we're on the other.

Michael, we drew the fucking line!

I know. Anna said it better. Anna?

ANNA: Yeah?

Er, what...what was that Viking saying?

ANNA: What?

You know, the Viking phrase.

"The Viking phrase"?

Oh.

The... The thrall alone takes instant vengeance.

- What the fuck does that mean? - Yeah, what does that mean?

Actions are too often ruled by emotions.

That seems a little bit hypocritical coming from the Vikings.

Yeah, what she's saying... We-We should remain civil.

- Why? - Because he's not a monster.

He's a monster prick!

- Well, he's your only way in for now. - Yeah.

Anna thinks that we should offer to help.

Fuck that!

Don't burn your bridges.

No, we won't, we won't.

We won't.

It's the only way to get close enough to do some real damage.

What would the Vikings recommend?

Something with an axe.

(NOTIFICATION BEEPS)

Er, right, OK, now, remember the Vikings, OK?

Just calm... Just calm. Deep breaths. Just be calm.

- Just... - Rrrr!

Calm. Shh... Yeah, embrace chaos.

- I'm going to be fine. - Great.

I'm going to be really calm and nice.

OK, here we go. Just deep breaths, deep...

Oh! So that's where you've been hiding, you cun...!

(LINE DISTORTS AND CRACKLES)

I said, that's where you've been hiding, you fucking...

- He can't hear you... - ...fucking...

He can't hear you. Thank fuck...he can't hear you.

OK, David, please...

Just keep it calm and civil.

I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be so well behaved.

Just me one shot. Just give me one shot at this, OK?

- Just to try and make it work. - I mean...

Even just seeing his punchable little face, I'm finding it very hard.

I know, I know, I know.

You know he's a twat,

- I know he's a twat... - Ah...

...but let's just pretend for this conversation...

It's all right, take your time, take your time, Simon.

- Yeah... - Yeah, no, don't worry, don't worry.

We've got all the time in the world!

- Just... - It's so nice to see you, Simon!

Just, please... Let's just give it a try.

I'm... I'm on my best behaviour.

- OK. Thank you. - (AUDIO BEEPS)

- Hi, sorry! - Hey!

- Hey! - Simon!

Hey! Sorry about that.

- All the fucking this. - How are you, mate?

Yeah, no, good. Sorry. Er, yeah. Michael. Hello. Hi. Er, David. Goodness.

- Nnnng! - Long time, no see.

How are you?

David's grand.

Um... We've been hearing about developments with Staged.

Oh, yeah, have you?

- Yeah, Nina... - Yeah, Nina phoned me.

Yeah.

- Right, OK, right. - My dad was a minister.

David would really to talk to you about his, um...

...principles at some point.

But, well, let's just have

- a little catch-up first, shall we? - Yeah, that'd be lovely.

Is David OK?

David is...

...OK!

How are you?

Yeah, good. I mean, hey, look, I'm in Los Angeles!

It's... So, it's happening.

Staged: America?

Yep, looks like it.

That it is exciting.

Yeah. Yeah, it really is, and, look, I know I owe you guys

a lot of thanks for that, um...

I know we haven't really had a chance to talk about it all, but...

Oh, don't be silly.

Well, it's been mad.

Yes, I bet. So, what, lots of... lots of new opportunities?

I've been run off my feet. There's just so much work to do!

- I couldn't have imagined any of this. - No, well, I mean,

you couldn't have imagined anything at all without us, could you?

Er, what, I...

What David means,

I-I think,

is that we feel, um,

you know, quite a lot of love,

er, even ownership,

of the project too.

Of course.

You understand?

Yeah, I mean, I did write it.

See, now, David is going to get a wee bit ticked off

with that kind of... territorial attitude, Simon.

He thinks that we both brought a lot to the project too.

Well, no-one could doubt that.

- So we thought we were a team. - Oh, me too.

So we were a little bit hurt

when we heard that we weren't needed.

Of course.

But we got past that, but then, when we heard from Nina...

Yeah. My friend, Nina. Nina, who... My friend, Nina, called me up.

...that literally every other member of the cast...

- Every other member. - ...was coming back except us...

- Yeah. - Yes. Yes.

...that upset us.

- Yeah. - Yes. Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah, I understand.

I mean, even you...

...managed to hold on to your role.

Well, I am Simon.

Oh, well, who am I, then? Fucking Spartacus?

But, er... But you're... you're not an actor.

- No, but I... But I wrote it. - Ah, f...!

David, David, Vikings! Vikings, David! Vikings!

- Vikings? Vikings? - Principles!

- Vikings? - I could have been a minister!

OK, OK. OK, well, let's... Let's just...

Let's just talk about something else for a minute, OK?

Let's just shake it up. Um...

Simon! What, what were you going to be when you were young?

A director.

No, I meant...

I meant if, er, that didn't work out.

I wanted to be a magician.

(DAVID LAUGHS)

Whoa! David!

Ha! David's, um, trying to learn some tricks.

- Great! - Were you... Were you any good?

I was, actually. I was... I was... I was very good!

Yeah? What's that card?

The seven of diamonds.

Oh, fuck you!

All right, all right. Is there anything we can do

- to help you, Simon? - Excuse me?

- Help. - No.

No, I don't think so.

No, no, it's not a trick. It's... We... We just want to help.

We-We just... We would like to feel useful.

David too?

Spartacus. Hi.

Just, just... What can we do? What can we do?

Come on.

What can we do?

I wouldn't say this if you hadn't just...

Two of the actors that we're considering for David and...

...and Michael, they've actually reached out to see

if you might make some time to...

...talk to them.

OK. About what?

Er, just to offer some thoughts on your...

...experience making the show.

- Our experiences? - Mm-hm, yeah.

Of making the show with you?

- If you like. - Right.

We would...

...be very...

...happy to.

Really?

I mean, we're all on the same side.

Well, then I'll...I'll set it up.

- Great. - I really appreciate it.

No, no, thank you.

That's what we...what we needed,

just to, you know... A little... Little bit of collaboration.

Hey, maybe you could...give a couple of notes on the roles too.

- Fuck you! - I mean, I will...

I will put an axe into your face,

and I will nail your skull onto the mast of my Viking longship

before I give any actor another bunch of notes

about how to play David Tennant,

you fucking patronising mollusc!

(MICHAEL GRUNTS)

I think we should just let our agents talk from here, shouldn't we?

Don't you fucking...!

I didn't even know he had an agent!

Seven of fucking diamonds!

Unbelievable.

(MICHAEL GROANS)

MICHAEL: I called Simon back and apologised.

OK, well done.

Told him we'd speak to those other actors tomorrow.

Oh, Jesus. OK.

MICHAEL: Why do you think we have never made each other this angry?

DAVID: Well, because we have a scintilla of respect for each other.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Cos we started out as colleagues, and then we became friends...

And then great friends.

DAVID: Would you say I'm your best friend?

MICHAEL: No.

- No? - No, I don't mean it like that.

No, no, no, no. Fine. I just...

You know, I thought you might take a bit longer to think about it, but...

Well, am I yours?

- No. - Well, there we are.

- No, you might have been. - If what?

If you'd said I was yours.

I've got an older friend.

- I'm old. - No, I-I mean, I've...

I've got a friend who I've known for longer.

He lives in New York.

OK.

Yeah, I had a friend once.

Who?

Rather not say.

And you're not friends any more?

No.

So, when you go out to New York, you're going to see him, are you?

Well, that's why I'm going. He's getting married.

Oh, well, that's lovely for him.

Well, I'm... I'm the best man.

It was supposed to happen earlier this year, but...

But it all... Yeah.

So, you know, it'll be nice to be there.

DAVID: Well, it'll be nice to be anywhere.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

Anna hasn't been to Sweden in ages.

She's really missing her family.

Well, I'm sure she is, yeah.

Hey!

Um...

Four of diamonds.

Oh!

We should quit.

Magic is harder than it looks.

Oh, God, I hate magic.

Oh, maybe we could ask Simon for help.

Ah-hmm!

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