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[upbeat music playing]

Mia, text Hanna and let her know we are here, please.

[singsongy] Already done!

Hey, everyone! I just arrived at my bestie Hanna's house,

I'm so excited to tell you guys all about this trip! [kisses]

Wait, why are you guys recording this?

We don't have to document anything before we get there...

Followers need their click-bait.

No, not you. I know you're like Insta-Royalty or something stupid like that.

I'm talking about these dopes.

[Brad] We have to document everything.

Professor Daus says we get extra credit if we do a presentation on the entire journey,

not just the site itself.

You want that extra credit, right?

-I'll take it. -[Brad] All right!

Our findings may someday shape the course of human history!

[Jay] [laughs] Don't roll your eyes at me, Berry. This is legit!

Hi, Professor Daus, I can't wait to get you all alone

for that extra credit assignment!

[laughing] I'm not editing that out!

[Brad] Ah, shit, I gotta pee.

All right! Hey, dude. Hurry up.

We want to make our first camping spot before night.

-Okay, it will take two seconds! -[Jay] All right.

What's wrong with his bladder?

[Brad humming]

[Hanna] Oh, God!

-Hey, Brad. [Brad] Hey.

How you doin'? I mean, I'm good. I'm great actually.

I'm really excited, you know, to go sleep in the ruins or whatever.

It'll be, uh, scary! [laughs]

-Oh, she's ready. -[Jay] Look at these two.

-[Mia] Love is in the air! -[Jay] Is that what I smell?

Nope, I just farted.

Oh, my God!

Are you, are you filming me?

[Brad] Yeah, sorry. Can I take a piss real quick?

Yeah, of course. You know where it is.

Thanks... I'll go... I'll go... hey!

-[laughs] I'm going to go this way. -Yeah, yeah, okay.

What the hell is Hanna doing?

[Jay] Looks like she's waiting on him to take a piss.

[blows horn]

[Mia] Hanna! Just leave him the keys!

[Mia laughs]

[Brad] On today's episode of Camping with Brad, proper hydration.

Now proper hydration is essential when going on long excursions.

The color of your urine is really what you'll--

-[Hanna] Hey, Brad? -Yo!

I'm leaving the keys in the door for you, so just lock it when you come out please.

Okay?

-No problemo! -Thanks.

Now this, this is not the color you want to see.

Oh, my God. Let's go.

Where should I put my backpack?

[Jay] Ah, you have to hold it in your lap. Sorry.

-[Berry] Hanna, what up, what up? -[Mia] Hey, girl!

Tight fit, guys!

[Jay] Sorry, I wasn't able to get my uncle's SUV

so we're stuck in Berry's clown car.

[Brad sighs]

We can switch who says shotgun if you need more leg room.

Or you guys can just get out and walk if you prefer.

No, I'm good, actually, Mia,

if you want me to sit in the middle, I'm totally fine with that.

No! I have to make sure Brad doesn't try anything with you!

[Brad] Sorry!

What if I want him to?

[Brad] [exhales] All right, what did I miss?

-Did you lock the door? -Yep!

Okay, can I snag my keys back from you?

Oh, I just left them in the door...

I'm not falling for that, Brad. Just give me the keys!

Prank'd ya!

-[laughs] -[car alarms]

-Alright, you guys ready to roll? -[all] Yeah!

[slow beat music playing]

-[Jay] Berry, I'm trying to record! -[Berry] Well, it's bumpy!

Let's get this party started right!

[Jay] Wow, that really didn't take long, huh?

[Berry] Not in the car, man, I really don't want to get pulled over.

[Hanna] Oh, my gosh, you guys are such squares.

He's just rolling a joint, calm down.

-[Jay] Says the virgin! -[Mia] Hey!

-Oh! -[Hanna] Okay, it's okay, It's okay.

Haters gonna hate.

[Brad] Hatters gonna hate? Wow!

-That's a good line! -[Hanna] Yeah, haters gonna hate!

Oh, it's a great line!

[Brad] Jay, Jay what do you got there, buddy? Is that a, uh, treasure map?

[Jay] Yes, this is a treasure map.

[Mia] Yeah, is that our backpacking route?

Jay, is this your first time hiking?

[giggling]

That's so cute!

I have a trail app we can use.

Yeah, why don't we just use our phones, Jay?

No! Did you guys get the email I sent?

All the reviews say there is no cell service on this trail, at all!

-[Mia] What? -[Hanna] Damn

-[Jay] Sorry, Social media will have to wait. -No!

I'll just have to be very thorough then. Jason... [snaps finger] Record me!

-[Berry] Who's Jason? -[Jay] I'll just use my phone!

[Mia] Use my phone, it's live!

Hey, lovelies! I'm here with my besties Hanna, Jay, and Berry...

oh, and Brads here too...

[Brad] Nice.

We are hiking to a Native American village.

Legend says that the village was destroyed by a timeless evil.

[Berry] The white man!

[giggles]

We're gonna be off the grid and it's going to be so exciting!

It's a couple days hike in so I brought plenty of provisions

including but not limited to solar powered phone chargers...

-[Berry] I'll take that. -...so we can document the whole experience.

-Also, we have a-- -A shit ton of weed!

Bye, everyone! [laughs]

Thanks, Brad, now everyone is going to think I'm a pothead!

[Brad] What's wrong with that?

-There's worse things-- -[Mia] They'll think I'm like you,

that's what's wrong with that!

[Berry] Potheads are usually thought of as like generally nice people...

♪ Sorry that I ain't been The best friend ♪

♪ Sorry for the mess For the broken string ♪

♪ I'm sorry about everything

♪ Sorry that I'm all Full up of fears ♪

♪ Sorry for the endless Stream of tears ♪

♪ Sorry that I'm drinkin' Sorry that I'm smokin' ♪

♪ Sorry that I feel like Life's a joke and ♪

♪ Sorry that there's six More weeks till Spring ♪

♪ I'm sorry about everything

♪ And sorry that I don't Dance enough ♪

♪ That I'm scared to move I'm all locked up ♪

♪ But, oh, my God Would you look at her ♪

Whoa!

It's beautiful out here!

♪ Sorry that the sun Set seems so dull ♪

♪ Sorry that I'm so damned Bored with it all ♪

♪ Sorry for the bland Incessant drone ♪

♪ Sorry that I didn't Pick up the phone ♪

♪ Sorry that I just Let it sit-- ♪

♪ Left me behind...

[Brad] [laughing] Sleeping Beauty!

I'm totally gonna post this and tag her ass.

[mouth words]

Keep a lookout for mile marker 78. That's our turn.

Alright.

[rap music playing]

[Brad] We just passed 77 so... Yeah I think...

There is it, 78!

[Hanna] Oh, my gosh! This is so exciting!

-[Brad] Yes! -[Hanna] Here we go!

[Brad] Oh, yes. Wow.

-[Hanna] Oh, my gosh! -[Brad] Beautiful!

[Hanna] Who's ready for an adventure!

-[Berry] Let's go do stuff outside! -[Brad] Ah, yes.

[car alarm chimes]

Beautiful!

[car door closes]

[birds chirping]

-[Berry] Alright, one for Jay. -[Jay] Thank you.

-[Berry] One for Brad. -[Brad] Alright, Muscles, cool out.

[Hanna] Mia, what is that for?

It's just for police and Park Rangers and stuff.

If we aren't back by the date, they'll hopefully... [clicks tongue]

come looking for us.

What you mean hopefully? That's their job, right?

[Mia] Yes. If we aren't back, they'll come looking for us. No doubt.

[Hanna] And we will be back because we have the original Lewis and Clark map with us.

[Jay] Laugh it up now.

You'll be happy we have this when your phone loses service!

Trust me.

[Berry] Thank you, sir.

[scoffs]

[lighter sparkling]

-Wow. -[Brad] What?

-We're not in the car anymore! -[Mia] Mm-Hm.

[Hanna] Thank You.

-[Hanna] Jay? -Thank you.

[Brad] You're gonna need to light it again, my man.

-Get up in there. -Yeah.

No thanks. I'm not putting that in my body!

Your body is your temple. You should respect it.

[Brad] Yes, my body is a temple...

To the God of weed! Weed. Weed. Weed.

[lighter sparkling]

-[Jay] Hey, guys, check this out! -[Berry] Yeah?

[Mia] Hanna.

[Jay] Told you!

Service, no service, service, no service

[Mia] That's creepy, I don't like that.

[Mia sighs]

-[Berry] Are you done screwing around with it? -[Jay] Yeah.

-Let's go do some hiking activities! -Let's do it.

[Berry] I guess that would just be hiking right?

-[Mia] Yes. -[Hanna] Probably.

[blowing]

[Brad] What, uh, what's going on there, Hanna?

-It's not working. -It's definitely not working.

Everyone, she's in trouble!

Help!

Get going!

[Berry] I believe in you!

Dismount.

[grunting] Okay.

[Hanna] Nope, nope.

The thing about it is... you gotta respect the rock.

-You got it. -You gotta respect it.

-Sacred rock! -Brad] Exactly. Don't, don't.

-Or stoners rock in Brad's case. -I totally respect that.

-You won't be able to! -Look at him! Spiderman!

Oh, well, I could do it... that way I could do it...

So how does that make you feel?

He did... he cheat... He did it a cheat... a cheating way.

-Yeah? Okay, sure. -I did.

So I could do it that way.

If it was that way, I could do it.

[Hanna] Okay.

You should try... I mean...

[Brad] Alright, alright, scoot over.

Moral support is up here.

I'm going to show off my gymnastic skills.

-Wait, what's over there? -No, no, no.

-Look at that! -Oh, my gosh! You made it!

-[Jay] Hey, that's one way. -I told you.

[indistinct chatter]

[Brad] Take care of that.

[Hanna] Not in this shorts.

-[Brad] You need a hand? Of course not! -[Mia] I'll be fine.

[Berry] I'm not sure how they mate.

[snake hissing]

[Jay] You see that? It's moving!

[snake hissing and rattling]

[birds chirping]

[Brad] He's coiling up. Let's go.

[Berry] Yeah, we should take a step back.

[Berry] Hey, Brad. Brad. Hey, Brad, how was your poop?

[Brad] Well, good thing I had that dollar bill.

Wow!

[Jay] Hey, what do you think, guys? [whistles]

-How'd I do? -[Hanna] Nice!

-[Brad] Don't trip, Jay! -[Hanna] Yeah.

-[Brad] Wow! -[Berry] This is nice.

[Brad] Boo!

[Jay] Try not to fall off, Brad.

[Mia] Yeah, wouldn't want you to fall...

[Hanna] Please don't fall.

-[Berry] You should jump. -[Brad] Eh, if I fall I fall.

-[Hanna] [laughs] That's a terrible attitude to have. -[Brad] It's the will of nature!

[Jay] Ah, this man's been smoking J's all the way up here.

[Brad] It helped me float.

Alright, everyone, say "what's up, Professor Daus!"

-[all] What's up, Professor Daus! -[Brad] Really? Really?

-That's all you got in ya? -[Berry] Don't fail me!

[Jay] We're floating, we're flying, Professor Daus!

[Brad] No marijuana was harmed in the making of this production.

-[Brad] Nicely done! -[Hanna] Okay, Jay, your turn!

-[Mia] Come on. -No, brah.

Oh, come on!

Hey, guys, check out the beautiful views!

[clicks tongue]

-Hey, babes, come here. -Hey.

-Say hi. -Hey!

-Having a blast with my pretty lady. -So much fun!

The views are almost as beautiful as we are.

-Almost. -Almost, not quite.

Almost.

[giggling]

-[man 1] 'Merica! -[man 2] Hut-hut!

-[Jay] Really? -[Mia groans]

What's up, what's up, what is up?

[Berry] You want to pick up that bottle?

Nature will clean it up, bro.

It's not bio-degradable.

Who are you guys PETA?

[Hanna] PETA protects animals...

Whatever. If want to pick up the bottle, pick it up.

Or you can pick it up.

-Or you can make me pick it up. -I can.

Okay, guys, stop it. Gosh, it's just one bottle.

Okay! There we go!

Now it's picked up. It's really not a big deal.

Gosh, there's so much testosterone around here...

Yeah, okay guys, sorry, are you guys coming from the ruins?

[man 2] Yeah. They were lame though.

[Brad] Cool, that's where we're heading.

If I was you, I'd turn around and go home 'cause they suck.

Or better yet, why don't the three of you guys head home

-and leave these two fine-ass ladies with us! -[slaps Mia's butt]

-Oh, my God! -[man 2] What the fuck?

[man 2] Hey, you assholes are going to pay for that!

[Mia] And our alpha male here got punched in the nose defending my honor.

[laughs]

You alright?

You should see the other guys.

They were such wimps.

Hey, we got to keep moving, guys.

Anybody else think we've gone far enough for today?

Nah, we got like about three more miles till we reach our first camp,

so... chop, chop.

[Hanna] Seriously, dude?

[Mia] Here we go.

[Brad] Slow down!

[Berry] Thanks for helping, Jay. I appreciate it.

[Jay] No problem.

[Hanna] Oh, my God! He's so cute!

-Mia! -[Jay] Look at him!

[Hanna] Mia, come check this out!

[Mia] Oh, it's a tortoise! I love tortoises!

[Jay] He chillin'. Is he alive?

[Hanna] Oh, my gosh! He's so cute. Look at him hiding.

[Mia] Just walk around him, maybe we should make sure

he's out of the way of wherever everyone's walking.

[Jay] So along our route, we have our camping location here indicated by this circle.

Our final destination is another day's hike indicated here by this X.

The plan is to camp in the ruins for a night

and then hike the same way back to the camping location.

You see this here?

This is the mountain's face, so, guys...

we've reached our first camping spot!

[cheers]

Dude, it looks exactly the same as the spot we wanted to stop at before.

Yeah. Oh, wait, no it doesn't at all.

Berry, go sit on a cactus, all right.

-Words hurt, words hurt, man, words hurt. -That was aggressive, I'm sorry.

It's not about the location, it's about how far we've gone.

[Jay] Thank you, Mia. We divided the distance by how many days.

Besides maybe if you weren't filling your lungs with smoke all the time,

-it'd be a little easier. -Ah, gee, thanks, mom.

Alright, I vote the women stay here, clean it up,

get the tents up, all that good stuff,

while the men go find firewood.

Oh, that's not sexist at all...

-Maybe kill a squirrel. Who knows? -What?

-I don't know. -We're in the desert...

-A desert squirrel. -Oh.

[coughs] Sexist.

[Brad] Welcome to Camping with Brad.

On today's episode, the males have been sent from camp to gather timber.

The females stay behind to build shelter

and presumably prepare their bodies for the rough intercourse

that's likely to occur when the beastly males return and need sexual release.

[Jay] [laughs] Dude, what the hell? Eww.

[Brad] Oh, what's this? A rare sight.

The alpha is marking his territory!

Enemies, approach at your own peril.

[Berry] I can't go with you watching me.

-[Brad] Though his penis is small... -What the hell are you doing?

...his muscles have made him alpha!

Ah! The alpha is charging!

[birds chirping]

[light sparkling]

-[Brad] Hey, boo Berry? -[Berry] Hmm?

-[Brad] Whatcha doing? -[Berry] Starting a fire.

-[Brad] Are ya? -[Berry] Well, it's gonna start.

[Hanna] Berry, I'm pretty sure you need some kindling or something.

Uh, I know how to start a fire, Hanna, thank you though!

[Mia] Apparently not.

[Hanna] Okay. Well, I'm just saying.

You can't just put a lighter straight to wood because it's not gonna catch.

This is how the cavemen did it, okay?

You know what, Hanna, why don't you start the fire then?

[Hanna] Okay, sure. Just hold my phone for me.

Could I get the lighter?

Thanks, and does anybody have any kindling?

-I have some newspaper in my backpack we can use. -Perfect.

[Berry] So why do you have newspaper?

To start fires.

[Berry] Oh, cool!

Thanks for letting me know that ten minutes ago when I tried to start the fire!

You said you knew what you were doing...

Plus, it was fun watching you struggle.

-[Berry] God, I hate you. -[Hanna] No you don't.

-Thank you. -Get it done!

Could you, uh, pass me the funnies?

Ha, ha, ha. You're so funny.

I know, that's where I get all my material.

[Berry] Burning coupons? Come on now.

[Hanna] Yeah.

[Berry] [laughs] Yeah, you showed me!

-It'll light! -[Brad] It'll get there!

[Mia] There we go!

One giant leap for feminism.

Thanks, Brad.

That's pretty embarrassing, Berry.

-[Hanna] So that's how it's done. -[Berry] Yeah, okay.

Now you know!

So did you guys know that hot dogs can legally be 30% hair?

-[Brad] Wow! -[Hanna] Yeah.

[Brad] Did you know that 47% of statistics are made up on the spot?

Wait, is that true?

-[Berry] Oh, my God! -[Hanna] Mia! Seriously?

It's very, very true.

Do you believe anything that Brad says? Like ever?

-[Jay] No. -Whoa, Whoa!

Someday I'm going to say something really important

and you're all gonna regret not listening to me.

-Uh, huh, sure. Sure, someday, someday. -[Brad] Someday!

-[Hanna] I'll wait for that day to come. -Oh! Whatcha got there, Berry?

A little... a little less drinky, drink than before...

-You guys want some? -Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes

I'm tired of sharing my weed with you fools.

-Oh, that's still going to happen. -[Jay] Right!

[Hanna] Jay.

[spits]

-[Mia] Whoa! -[Berry] Gosh!

[Jay] What the hell is this? Gasoline?

Damn, rocket fuel?

[Berry] It's moonshine!

[Mia] Aren't you in college?

[Jay] Yeah but I only drink the good stuff, not this jailhouse shit!

-[Berry] Jay, that is the good stuff, man. -[Mia] Seriously!

-[Berry] It burns in a good way! -[Hanna] The best stuff.

[Mia] Burns so good.

[Hanna] You want to get drunk, that's the stuff that you need.

Oh, gosh.

[Mia] Oh, my God!

[Jay] The map! Shit!

Shit!

What the hell, Brad. That was really stupid!

[Brad] Sorry, guys. Just a goof.

I don't know why the map was on the ground anyway...

[Jay] Damn!

[Hanna] Jay, it's fine. Everything's fine.

[Berry] Relax, man. Any of us could have done that.

[Mia] Yeah, you almost did when you coughed it up!

[Jay] But I didn't do it on purpose like a little moron!

[Brad] I said I was sorry, what do you want from me?

[Jay] I want you to think before you do stupid shit like spit fire at people!

You're not a damn fire breather, Brad!

[Brad] Okay, I didn't spit it at people.

[Hanna] Guys, can we just calm down, okay, just stop it.

Everything is fine. We're all okay. Chill.

[Jay] I guess it could have been worse.

[Mia] Here.

[Jay sighs]

[Jay] Sorry, Brad, I just freaked out a little.

It's cool.

[spits]

Back at ya!

-Son of a bitch. -Karmas a bitch!

You guys all suck!

No more fire breathing!

[Mia] [gasps] Hi, little guy!

-[Hanna] Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. -[Mia] So fuzzy!

[Hanna] Holy shit! Look at those eyes!

Oh, my God. It's so creepy!

[Mia] It's fine though. [screams]

-[Mia] Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Where'd it go? -[Jay] Oh, no!

-[Brad] Alright, say it, Jay. -Chubby bunny!

-You are drunker than a skunk! -Jay, you are a hoot, man!

Pass that shit, Boo!

[laughing]

-[Brad] That man cannot hold his liquor. -[Mia] I'm burning wieners!

You're good at that, aren't you?

Yes, I'm very good at that.

This is fun but, we shoulda...

We could... we, uh, we coulda went to bed but we...

We should... we haven't yet?

-[Brad] Here here! -[Hanna] Yeah?

I don't know what you just said?

I don't know...

Bed time! Bed time.

Who do you think you are? You're not our dad!

We can go to bed when we want to!

You ain't my momma and you ain't my daddy!

[Brad] Oh! Grumpy Berry!

[blows raspberry]

R.E.S.

Move your feet! R.E.S.P.E.C.

-[Jay] Find out what it means to me! -[Brad] The alpha, everyone.

Give him a round of applause!

Look what happened to my marshmallow.

-It went limp. -I don't know what happened!

[Brad] Because you don't know how to roast marshmallows...

Okay, Mr. Expert marshmallow cooker...

I... I won the marshmallow competition of 2012!

Okay.

I think I'm going to go to bed too.

-Ah! Boo! -Boo on you!

-Here, that's for you. -Thank you.

-Oh! I dropped it! -[Hanna] Loser.

[Brad] Oh, no! I've got plenty more.

[Jay] Peace out!

No, no, no Jay! Jay, Jay, Jay, that way!

-That way! -Boys with the boys.

-[Brad] I thought you had it, my man. -Goodnight boys!

You coming, Brad?

-Goodnight. Goodnight. -[Hanna] Goodnight, Brad.

[Brad] Whoa! Don't fall!

You coming, Brad?

Actually, Berry, will you toss me my sleeping bag?

[Berry] Yeah!

[Brad] Get over there, you fool.

I'm going to sleep under the stars tonight.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -I'm never. I'm never scared!

-Help this man to bed. -Kobe!

Thank you. Whoa!

This is coming with me!

I don't think you need any more but you do you.

[Berry] Jay, I swear to God if you piss the bed...

[Brad] That's why I'm sleeping out here.

I was asleep and I heard some rustling in the bushes...

I have a knife just in case.

Oh, shit! I have a knife!

That's not a knife, this is a knife!

-Hanna, you scared the shit out of me! -Shhh, shh, shh.

[Hanna] There room for one more in there?

I mean, super not... but we can try.

-It's so beautiful here. -[Brad] Totally.

-I'm really glad you came. -[Hanna] Me too.

Oh.

[kissing]

Your face is so fuzzy.

[Berry] Three, two, one... Holy shit, Brad, a giant penis!

You son of a bitch!

[Brad] Hmm, tasty.

[Berry] Hanna, Mia, you girls up yet?

-Girls? -[Hanna] Yes!

-[Berry] Are you up? -[Hanna] We're up. We'll be out in a minute, okay?

[Berry] Mmm, okay...

Ah, tornado!

-[Mia] Oh, my God! -[Hanna] Oh, my God! Berry!

[Berry] Okay.

-Did I get it all? -No.

Hey, sorry, about the map, man.

-You're all good, bro, it's cool. -Alright.

[sighs]

[Brad] Let's check that urine color, ladies and gents!

Gonna get that hangover pee probably not gonna look great...

[Jay] Hey, Berry, can you help me out for a sec?

[Berry] What's up, dude?

All right, so I got this all worked out.

If we go like two extra miles, we can go around the burnt portion of the map.

[zipping]

[Brad] Wow! What a beautiful place.

Oh, Berry and Jay nerding out over a map instead of enjoying the view.

Alright.

[zipping]

Oh, wait a minute... Ugh!

What is that?

Ah, damnit! Gross!

Why do I touch things? Don't touch things!

[Berry] I mean I'm cool with it but it's not like that section of the map

is any more dangerous because we burnt it,

it's still there so just stick to the original route, man.

I mean, we won't know where we are going so...

We'll be alright, dude, it's...

It'll be fine, it's still the same thing.

Good morning, Vietnam!

-[Jay] Morning! -[Berry] Morning, ladies!

[Brad] Let me help you girls out with that.

[Hanna] Um, I think we're good over here. Thanks, Brad.

[Brad] Alright, fine, interviews then...

So... crazy night last night,. huh?

[Mia] Oh, my gosh, I was so drunk.

I can't believe I'm not hungover.

Yeah, I know. I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a little bit so...

Seriously? You don't remember anything?

I mean, I remember some things. It's just a little fuzzy.

What's on your fingers?

[Brad] Yeah, I don't know.

I think it's like bird shit or something? It's gross.

Brad, why the hell do you have bird shit on your fingers?

That is an incredibly personal question, Hanna!

Stop it!

You enjoying the view back there?

[Hanna] Shut up. [laughs]

All right, guys. We are now entering the burnt portion of the map.

Just watch where you're going. If we get lost, we'll have to double back.

[Hanna] Are you actually worried we're gonna get lost?

[singsongy] The horror!

Jay, relax dude, we're not gonna get lost.

Alright, guys, look we are here and we're going there.

[Mia] Oh, that's like perfectly straight!

We still need to pay attention.

[Hanna] Dude, chill. It's gonna be fine.

I'm... I'm chill but I want to be prepared in case we do get lost.

Okay, crazy man.

Scanning... Scanning... Scanning...

Rock. Stick. Bush.

This spot is now memorized, forever burned into the crystal palace of my mind.

Come on, Robot Brad says it's cool.

If Robot Brad says it's cool, it must be cool.

[Hanna] So cool. Loser.

[Brad] Rock. Cactus. Oh! Orange flower! I will never forget this spot.

[Hanna] ...I just don't like it very much.

[Berry] Jay, what's up, man?

What does it look like? A damn fork!

I have no memory of this place.

What? We ain't never been here before!

Jay, it's from... never mind, dude. Sorry.

I thought you said it was just a straight shot.

Neither of these go straight.

Yeah, and one of them got to bend back up so.

So let's just pick a direction.

-If it's wrong, we'll just turn around. -Yeah.

-Cool. -No. No, no, no.

We camp here.

-The sun's almost going down... -[Hanna] What?

Dude, the Sun isn't going down for another couple hours, okay?

And we're supposed to camp at the ruins, so...

We're so close, we might as well just keep going!

And what if we go the wrong way?

We should camp before the fork.

I just... I just thought you might feel safer that way.

Dude, you sound like a crazy person.

Let's just pick a direction.

If it's wrong, we'll just turn around. What's the big deal?

[sighs] Fine!

I don't know why it's crazy to want to know where you're going but whatever!

[Berry] Jay, relax dude, alright, just... which way?

I don't know. That's why I had a damn map!

Shit! Okay, Berry, you pick.

Me? Hell no!

Brads' the one who burned the map... he should have to pick!

Oh, so then I get blamed for burning the map and picking the wrong direction?

-Yes. -No thanks.

Okay, guys, calm down. Everybody get into a circle.

-Nice spin! -[Brad] Oh, shit!

You guys have to kiss!

Alright, if you insist.

Okay, Mia, you get to choose. Which way are we going?

Alright, screw it. Let's just go left!

-Left it is. -After you.

[birds chirping]

Hey, guys, so this is day two.

Sorry this isn't live but there's like no service up here,

so I'll have to post this all after I get back

but I guess if you're watching, this means that I'm home, so cray!

Hi, future Mia!

So this is like the only time I've been in back.

These guys are great but they are nowhere near as experienced as I am

in the matters of the great outdoors. Guys?

[birds chirping]

[Mia] This isn't funny! Guys?

Guys, stop it!

[screaming]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. They made me do it.

[Jay] How do you do that again?

-You just like, flick it or something? -Wait, where is one?

-I want to get one on camera. -So you put your finger like this....

-Are you ready? -[Berry] Get it!

-[Brad] You go like that. -Jeez.

-[Mia] Oh! You got two! -[Berry] You gotta flick it.

-Wait, I got two? -[Mia] Yeah.

[Brad] I'm struggling.

[Hanna] Struggle bus over here?

[Brad] Struggle bus!

[indistinct chatter]

[Jay] Hey, this should have bent up by now, right, guys?

Yeah, sorry guys. I think I picked the wrong way.

This is why I never go to Vegas.

This is exactly why I wanted to hike around the burnt portion of the map.

Okay, well, that's really helpful. Thanks, Jay!

Okay, let's head back to that fork now!

Jay, it's too late to head back tonight, dude.

Why don't we just make camp here?

We'll wake up, we'll hike back, and we'll be at the ruins like in two hours, all right?

Girls, can you set the tents and the men will go gather the firewood?

Sorry, Jay.

-[Mia] Sounds good. -[Brad] Yep.

No, no, no, no, no, guys, we're supposed to sleep at the ruins!

-And we will be there tomorrow. Feel free to take a nap. -Yes, during the day though!

That's like the whole reason why I came, you know?

To sleep at the ruins!

Yeah, I mean, me too.

-Maybe we should head back to the fork? -[Jay] Yes!

No! It's almost dark.

There's no way I'm hiking in the dark. That's cray-cray.

We shouldn't split up either, guys. That's cray-cray, too.

No we shouldn't. Fine.

But I want to go on record as saying I'm against camping here.

I'm against camping here!

[Berry] Noted.

[Mia] Hanna?

I'm still down, no idea where I'm going but I'm down.

[Jay] Yeah, none of us know where we're going because you burnt a hole in the damn map!

-God. -Dear God. I said sorry. What do you want from me?

Okay. Just stop it, guys. We'll just stay here, okay?

Ugh. Geez.

All right. Cool. Everyone's happy. Let's go find some firewood.

Oh, look, some firewood!

[whispering] There's no firewood. I'm going to scare the chickas. Shh.

[birds chirping]

Having a good time?

Oh, yeah, I'm just having a blast.

These ruins are like super cool so, thanks for the invite.

Don't be a bitch, Hanna.

You're not the only one disappointed.

So... something may or may not have happened

with Brad last night...

Why are you so cryptic?

Did you? [gasps] You slut!

How was it? How was it? You don't have to tell me.

You don't have to tell me but...

-How was it? Was he big? Ew, ew, ew! Sorry! -No, no, no.

We did not have sex, okay. We just made out a little bit, you know?

-Boo! -I know, trust me I know.

I mean, I want to.

I kind of just want to get it over with at this point, just hop on his wood.

His dingle... whatever... um...

Yeah he just wanted to talk and I mean we wouldn't have even made out

if I wasn't the one who kissed him first, so.

His "dingle"? I call bullshit!

I swear, I'm serious. We didn't have sex.

Brad would not turn you down, you just got scared!

[Berry] ♪ Brad and Hanna Sittin' in a tree ♪

-Berry! What the hell? -♪ K.I.S.S.I.N.G!

Dude!

[Brad] ♪ Gatherin' timber 'cause My alpha-male told me To do so! ♪

Whoa, what is that?

Weird.

Whoa!

Sick! What?

It's like an ancient totem pole or something?

Oh, my God!

Professor Daus, if you don't give us extra credit for this, I call bullshit.

It's like hieroglyphics...

Wow! Creepy.

This is so cool!

Wait... That looks like blood!

Oh, shit, oh, shit! Buddy.

Bro, are you okay? Are you okay?

Oh, my God. I think he's dead! Guys! Guys!

Eww, Brad? Why?

[Berry] That's exactly what I thought.

Are you going to let him take your V-card?

-[Mia] Leave her alone! Guys! -Oh, my God.

[Jay] I'm just teasing.

[Berry] I'm not, this is really embarrassing for you!

[Brad] Guys! Guys!

[Hanna] Brad?

Brad?

[Jay] Where are you, man?

[Hanna] Oh, my God! Brad! Brad! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

What happened!

[crying]

We have to go!

We're not just going to leave him here!

Hanna, we have to. Mia.

No. No.

Hanna, move! Jay, hold him down.

Hold him down!

One, two...

Girls, look away, look away!

Three!

We gotta get him up, we gotta get him up, we gotta get him up.

Pick him up. Pick him up. Pick him up!

Help me, Jay. Help me. Help me. Come on! Get him up, get him up!

[Jay] Let's go, okay?

[Berry] Mia, get Hanna up. Get her up. We have to go!

[Jay] Let's go! Let's go!

[sobbing]

[Mia] What happened? Who would do this?

You think it was those two guys?

We're not safe here.

What about Brad?

We can't carry him up there, all right?

We'll come back for him. We will come back for him.

We shouldn't hike out at night. It's too dangerous at night!

It's dangerous either way, Mia, okay?

No, no, no we stay here tonight!

Berry, you and me we keep watch and then you girls get some sleep.

Are you crazy?

There's no way I'm going to be able to sleep!

[sniffles]

Should at least get Hanna cleaned up.

[Berry] Mia, can you please?

[Mia] Hey, Hanna?

[sniffles]

Let's get you cleaned up.

Jay, turn that thing off.

[Jay] No, we need this shit for evidence.

If someone comes and tries to kill us, we need to be able to see who did this!

You're not hearing me, Jay. Turn it off. We're not safe, okay?

We have to go and we have to go right now.

We're not safe anywhere!

I just feel like during the day we have a better shot of getting out of here!

At night, we can't see someone coming and we might get lost!

What if it's more than one person, huh?

I don't know, what if it's not even human?

What if it's hill people or some shit?

It's not gonna matter because we're gonna be dead!

We're sitting ducks out here, man!

Berry, we're all scared. Keep your head on straight.

Keep my head on straight?

You remember Brad?

You remember our friend Brad?

Somebody stabbed him through the neck with a fucking spear, okay?

[Berry] What are you girls doing?

[Mia] She's got blood all over her.

I can't wash her inside the tent. Look away.

[Berry] Mia, here. Use this.

[stream running]

♪ There is a house In New Orleans ♪

♪ They call the Rising Sun

♪ And it's been the ruin Of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And God I know I'm one!

♪ My mother was a tailor

♪ She sewed my new blue jeans

♪ My father was a gambling man

♪ Down in New Orleans

♪ Down, in New Orleans

[birds chirping, stream running]

Here, hold this for a sec.

I'll be back for you, okay?

[zipping]

[Hanna sighs]

[Jay] Hey! There's the fork!

[gloomy music playing]

[sobbing] Hanna! Jay!

I just snapped out of some kind of trance or something.

Something isn't right.

Guys!

Jay, where the hell are we, man?

[Jay] I don't know, give me a second!

I don't know where I am right now.

-I don't know what happened, I... -[Mia] Guys!

[birds chirping]

I think I just heard Mia. Mia! Mia!

[Hanna] Mia!

[Berry] Hanna!

Hanna!

[Hanna] Mia!

Mia, oh, my God.

Okay.

Hanna, what the hell happened?

Oh, my God, Mia, is she alive?

Yeah she is, but, we need to get her out of here.

We can put her on here.

Jay, can you help me out please?

[Jay] Guys, check this out! Someone was here!

Footprints are going that way!

Hey, where you... where you going?

I'm going to end this right now, alright?

Berry, don't do that!

You don't know who you're following!

Alright.

[pants]

[Berry] Jay, let's take a break, man.

We should be to our first camp soon... I hope.

[Jay] Hey, I'm gonna scout ahead.

Hanna, you're sure you didn't see anyone else?

[Hanna] There was no one!

I... I heard her scream and then when I came around the corner, she was out cold.

[Jay] Guys!

This is impossible.

[stream running]

[sobbing] Hey, mom and dad.

So if you guys are watching this, I...

I just want you guys to know how much I love you.

You shouldn't make videos like that. It's bad luck.

Just in case, you know?

Do you want to make one?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. [sniffle]

[exhales] Hey, Mom, Dad, Lex,

I didn't tell you this but I went on a hiking trip with some friends

and if you're watching this...

[Hanna] [screams] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[panting and crying]

Berry just...

Berry just killed, just killed Jay.

I don't know, I don't know what the...

I don't know what the hell just happened.

I don't know what the hell just happened. [crying]

How is this happening?

I just... I just ran... I just ran for my life right now and I don't...

I don't think he followed me but how could he, how could he do that?

Did he kill Brad too? I don't know, I just don't know!

I think I'm... I think I'm in some cave.

I don't... I don't know where...

and I don't know what to do! God, God help me!

I just ran... I just ran!

[screaming]

[murmuring]

[stream running]

[birds, insects chirping]

Help! Help!

[crying]

If... if you're watching this, there's a man and he's painted all black.

He's out here!

-[Mia] Hanna! -Mia? Mia!

Who did this to you?

I don't know... I don't know, some man, he's painted all black.

What the hell? Hanna, Jay's dead!

I know, I know. No, no, we need to get out of here!

[Mia] We need to find Berry!

-Shit! You don't know. -What?

-Berry... Berry's the one that killed Jay. -What?

-No, he didn't, no! -Yes! Yes, Mia, I watched it happen, okay?

I watched Berry stab Jay through the chest with this damn spear, okay?

[screams]

What the hell is happening, Hanna?

I don't know, Mia. I don't know. I don't know!

-Are you sure it was Berry? -Yes! I even got a video of it on my phone!

-Okay, where is your phone? -I... I don't know!

I dropped it when I was attacked. I don't know!

Are you positive it wasn't Berry who attacked you too?

Yes, I am 100% sure, Mia, yes Berry killed Jay,

but the person that attacked me was covered head to toe in black paint, okay?

Okay, okay. Where did he attack you?

In a cave. I don't know. I just ran. That doesn't matter!

-[Mia] Well, we need to head back to camp. -What?

No, no, no. We need to get back to the car, Mia!

I don't know way, do you? We need the map!

-What about Berry? -He wasn't there when I woke up!

We need the map, Hanna!

[screams]

[Hanna] I don't see him.

Shit, if he left with the map, we're gonna be screwed out here!

[Mia] We should look around for it just in case.

-Let's move! -[Hanna] Okay.

[rustling]

[gasps] I found it! I found it!

Let's get the hell out of here!

Okay, I'm going to say goodbye to Brad.

We can't come back here and I'm never going to see him again.

-We have to go! -Just give me a minute, okay?

-No. No, no, no, no. -What?

I'm gonna kill him!

-[Berry] I buried both of them. -[Mia screams]

Don't take a step closer!

I didn't kill Jay, okay? It wasn't me!

I watched it happen!

[Berry] I can't explain what happened, okay.

I had no control of my body. I don't know what happened! You gotta believe me!

That's a bunch of bullshit, Berry!

Mia, please! Just listen to me!

[gloomy music playing]

[groaning]

[Hanna] Mia!

What the hell is happening?

Mia, don't move!

[coughing, choking]

Stay low! Mia, stay low!

[panting]

[Berry] Come over here. Zip it!

So we just got attacked by our own shadows.

What the hell!

I got stabbed in the arm by that damn spear and Hanna was...

Well, Hanna's shadow was trying to kill Mia.

I know all this sounds nuts but it's... it's all true.

This is insane!

The way I look at it, we can just hike at night,

there's no shadows at night... we'll hike then

-and stay in the tent during the day. -What?

But... but what about the shadow man?

[Berry] The what, no...

That's what I'm saying, no, no, sun, no shadows!

No! No. There's a shadow man, a physical shadow man.

He's painted all black and he attacked Hanna and tied her to that totem pole thing!

What the hell guys?

Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?

We haven't exactly had time for conversation right now, Berry!

Are you sure it's just one guy?

I mean, I don't... I don't know, I think so...

but he knocked me out for all know there could just be a bunch of them.

I don't know.

Guys, we can't stay here.

No shit, Berry! We need to find a plan to...

if he comes back.

You mean when he comes back!

Why are you so sure he'll come back?

I don't know why. I think he like worships the shadows or something...

Why else would he be painted all black and tie me to a totem pole?

He was sacrificing me.

[heavy breathing]

[insects chirping, stream running]

[deep beathing]

You better run, you son of a bitch!

-No, no, no, no! Shit, guys, he's getting away! -Yeah!

No, he's gone, we won!

No, we need to get out of here!

[engine running]

[Lue] Morning, dispatch. This is Lue over here at the red beam trailhead.

That vehicle is still parked over here.

Want me to go ahead and tow it? Over.

[dispatch] How many days it been there? Over.

[Lue] I don't know... I'm gonna say three or four at least? Over.

[dispatch] They leave any notes or anything? Over.

[Lue] Haven't checked for that. Just assumed it was abandoned. Over.

[Dispatch] Check for that please.

If there isn't one, we'll get it towed. Over.

[Lue] Copy that. Over.

[car door closes]

[car door opens]

[Lue] Dispatch, this is Lue again.

It appears that they should have been back by now,

I'm gonna go ahead and hike out and see if I can find 'em.

Check back in in a couple hours. Over.

[dispatch] Copy that, Lue. Over.

[Lue] Over and out.

[car door closes]

So we hiked all night just like we planned.

We set up the tent because the sun was coming up

but then... we ran into this son of a bitch again.

-What is he doing? -[Berry] I don't know.

Leave us alone! What do you want from us?

[Hanna] Leave us alone! What do you want from us?

We didn't do anything!

Shit, guys, yes we did, yes we did!

-[Berry] What are you talking about? -We took their spear,

their spear! Here you can have it back!

-Girls! Get down get down! -[Hanna] Oh, my God!

[Hanna] Oh, my God!

-I love you, Mia. -[Mia] I love you, too.

Wait, what are you... No! Hanna!

[Lue] Oh, shit!

-[Mia] Get out of the sun. -[Lue] Ma'am, are you alright?

[Mia] Get out of the sun. Get out of the sun.

Ma'am, what happened here?

Ma'am, are you okay? Is he the only one with ya?

[Mia] Get out of the sun! Get out of the sun!

-[gunshot] -[Mia screams, cries]

[Mia crying]

-[birds chirping] -[stream running]

[insects chirping]

[stream running]

[car starting]

[engine revving]

[stream running]

♪ There is a house In New Orleans ♪

♪ They call the Rising Sun

♪ And it's been the ruin Of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And God I know I'm one

♪ My mother was a tailor

♪ She sewed my new blue jeans

♪ And my father was A gamblin' man ♪

♪ Down in New Orleans

♪ Now the only thing A gambler needs ♪

♪ Is a suitcase and a trunk

♪ And the only time He'll be satisfied ♪

♪ Is when he's all drunk

♪ Oh, mother Tell your children ♪

♪ Not to do what I have done

♪ Spend your lives In sin and misery ♪

♪ In the House Of the Rising Sun ♪

♪ Well, I got one foot On the platform ♪

♪ The other foot on the train

♪ I'm going back To New Orleans ♪

♪ To wear that ball and chain

♪ Well, there is a house In New Orleans ♪

♪ They call the Rising Sun

♪ And it's been the ruin Of many a poor boy ♪

♪ God I know I'm one

You had the blood of five different people on you including a park ranger!

And you want us to believe... what was it again?

Shadows and hill people.

That's right, shadows and hill people killed them?

I'm telling you the truth!

All right, let's start again!

[screams]

[suspenseful music playing]