All language subtitles for Staged s02e04 Woofty Doofty, David.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,680 Do you never get, like, you're at the mercy of your thoughts, 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,280 like they're going to smother you? 3 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,760 - No. - Do you meditate? 4 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:09,960 MICHAEL: Never needed to. 5 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,640 I'm a very tranquil person. 6 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,240 DAVID: Never plagued with conscience? 7 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,280 Nope. 8 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,320 Is that troubling? 9 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:19,000 Well, I don't know. Have you ever done anything...bad? 10 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,680 Fuck, yes, all the time. 11 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,400 Well, then, yes, it is a little troubling. Yeah. 12 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,360 Potatoes, potatoes. 13 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,640 No, I think that's... That's... 14 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:29,640 - That's wrong. - What? 15 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,160 That phrase, you're not using it right. 16 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,320 Tomatoes, tomatoes. 17 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,520 Any progress on New York? 18 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:41,840 Mm. 19 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,840 I'm thinking of asking Mary if she can help out with it. 20 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,720 Oh, yeah? What could she do? 21 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:48,080 She's got connections. 22 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,160 - How's Italy looking? - Romania. 23 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,440 Did I know it was Romania? 24 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:55,160 Oh, I don't know. I mean, you know, chuck a dart at a globe, it's just... 25 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,640 How's Romania looking? 26 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:57,680 I don't know. 27 00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,640 I mean, I usually have someone who sorts all these things out for me. 28 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,600 - Georgia says I could drive! - Can you drive? 29 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,880 I usually have someone who does that for me, too. 30 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,560 Do you know there's a rumour that Mary 31 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,920 killed one of her clients with their own Golden Globe? 32 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960 Oh, that's ridiculous! 33 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,400 I don't have a Golden Globe. I've several TV Choice Awards. 34 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,120 Do you really think you're more valuable? 35 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,480 Look, why are you asking me these questions? 36 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,360 Because... 37 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,200 ...you said she's got connections! 38 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,760 In air travel. 39 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,520 - You are sounding paranoid. - I did not sleep. 40 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,040 - Then go and have a nap! - She could fire us! 41 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,560 - No! - No? 42 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:36,560 Not both of us. 43 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,320 Oh, are you going to throw me under the bus? 44 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,880 - What? - Are you? Answer the question. 45 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,440 - Are you going to throw me under the bus? - I mean, it was your idea. 46 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,720 - Are you going to tell her that?! - Probably not! 47 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:51,080 - What does "probably not" mean?! - I probably won't tell her that 48 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,040 because she probably won't even be angry! 49 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,320 DAVID: Yes, but if she is angry... 50 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,840 - MICHAEL: Well, it was your idea. - She will fire me! 51 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,160 No, she won't! 52 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,520 I can't be agent-less, not right now. 53 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,440 Oh, fuck! Fuck! 54 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,320 Are Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, are they her clients?! 55 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,240 - No. - Fuck! 56 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,080 They're not! 57 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,520 DAVID: She's going to rip my fucking face off! 58 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,480 - MICHAEL: They're not. - Are you...? You know that? 59 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:12,680 MICHAEL: Absolutely! 60 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,600 DAVID: I've got to get back to work. 61 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,880 We are in this together. 62 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,920 - You promise? - I promise. 63 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:21,840 Scout's honour? 64 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,480 - Will a cub do? - Yeah. Cub's honour. 65 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,280 Dib-dib, dob-dob. 66 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,520 It's a solemn tryst you make as a child - do not mock it. 67 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:34,520 I make to thee, at this moment-th... 68 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,160 ...a solemn tryst. 69 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,440 Say it in Welsh. 70 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,160 Ych-a-fi... 71 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,760 ...solemn tryst. 72 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,800 A gwrog rhyfelwyn... 73 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,480 ...dros rhybudd... 74 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,880 ...amen. 75 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,600 Was that just a load of old bollocks in Welsh? 76 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:55,640 Yeah. 77 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,560 Simon can't write women. 78 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,400 - No. - He just can't. 79 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:05,840 Sorry, Lucy. 80 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,040 No, no, he really can't. 81 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,960 I have never called anyone "chiquitas". 82 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,440 Does he not understand women? 83 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,720 - I think he's confused. - But he has a girlfriend now. 84 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,720 - Yeah, I know! - Yeah, so maybe he'll improve. 85 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,200 Yeah, but I need this scene now, 86 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,160 so I can't really afford to wait for him to mature. 87 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,040 No. Shall we just read it through? 88 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,240 Yeah. Look, we can fix it as we go. It can't be that bad. 89 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,080 "Hey, chiquitas!" 90 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,280 What did you ask him to do? 91 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,280 Oh, um, like, I'm presenting this...this charity thing 92 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,800 and I thought, like, a Staged style-skit might be quite a nice way to open it. 93 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,000 - Yeah, great. - So I thought, "Oh, I know. 94 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,320 "I'll ask the writer of Staged to write us something." 95 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,280 And this is what he's written for us, for me. 96 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,920 So I don't think I can get past "chiquitas". 97 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,720 Well, there's a "honey" later, 98 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,480 and then "bitches", 99 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,440 and then "baby". 100 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,040 OK, nobody calls each other baby. 101 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,600 - Michael says it to Lyra. - Well, he should just learn her name. 102 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,200 Simon just lacks... 103 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,360 ...understanding. 104 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,800 - He's your brother! - It's not genetic. 105 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,200 - And he's not the worst! - Oh, God, no. 106 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,320 Uh-uh. I read for a character once 107 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,800 who was described as having happy breasts. 108 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,400 I had a stage direction once that said, 109 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,960 "She covers her startled buttocks." 110 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,320 How did you do that? 111 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:30,240 Well, I offered to draw some sort of big, wide eyes on them with a Sharpie. 112 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,400 - And did you? - No, I did not. It got cut. 113 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,280 Oh. 114 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,440 Let's carry on reading. It might get better. 115 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,920 Hey, chiquitas! 116 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:44,240 Great to see you again, gals! It's been weeks. 117 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,400 You know we've never been in the same room? 118 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,080 - What? - That only just occurred to me. 119 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,680 - What, that we've never met? - Weird way of making friends. 120 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,400 You had me at "startled buttocks". 121 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,440 Aw! 122 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,080 I mean, what if we hate each other? 123 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,160 - What, in real life? - Do you think that's likely? 124 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,560 - It could happen. - Yeah, I mean... 125 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,040 I might not like the shape of your head. 126 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,800 Exactly. 127 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,400 It's hard to assess online, isn't it? 128 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,520 What do you mean? 129 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,920 Well, the depth of your head. 130 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,120 The depth of my head? 131 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,440 Yeah, how far it goes back. 132 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,160 Yeah, not just your head, either of our heads. 133 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,000 But I've just never seen it in 3D, that's all. 134 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,160 I... It's a normal-sized head, I think. 135 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,480 I mean, I want to believe you. 136 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,560 Shall we just carry on reading? 137 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:22,960 Hey, chiquitas. 138 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,760 Great to see you again, gals. 139 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:25,920 Hi, bitches! 140 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,480 (LAUGHS) Fuck me, it's awful. 141 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,520 Shall I...shall I make some changes? 142 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,800 Can't we just do the original? It was much better then. 143 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,760 - Let me have a look. - Have you got time? 144 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,480 I mean, it can't be that difficult - Simon does it. 145 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,800 DAVID: Hi, baby, can I have this room in about 20 minutes? 146 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,200 - What? No. - I need it. 147 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,080 Why? 148 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,400 - I think I'm going to be shouted at. - Hi, David! 149 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,680 Oh, hi, Lucy. Hi, Anna. All right? 150 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:49,960 Hi. How are you? 151 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,080 I'm going to be shouted at. Can I have the room? 152 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,480 - Did you book it on the calendar? - What calendar? 153 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,720 The one on the fridge. 154 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:58,840 - No. - No? 155 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,000 Well, then you can't have the nice room. 156 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,520 - But I need it! - Why? 157 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,840 - I need to look...valuable. - Use the den. 158 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:08,520 I didn't know there was a calendar on the fridge. 159 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,320 Well, it's new and you missed orientation. 160 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,040 Well, that's really unfair. 161 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,840 - Hello! - Oh, hi! 162 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,040 - Hi! - I said hi. 163 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,440 I said it back to you. 164 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,120 Yes, but you opened with hello, I replied with hi, 165 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,680 so we were balanced at that point, weren't we? 166 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:28,840 Oh, is that how it works? 167 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,640 Er, yes, but then you just threw another greeting in there. 168 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:32,840 I suppose I did. 169 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,560 And that, apparently, is bad writing. 170 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,000 Where are you? 171 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,200 Oh, they've given me my own...office. 172 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,520 Cool. 173 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:42,920 Sort of fairly...luxurious. 174 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,840 Yeah, I do need to talk to you about something quickly. 175 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,680 Yeah, well, look, I've got a taxi arriving in just a couple of minutes. 176 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,280 - Is that enough time? - Yeah, what time is it there? 177 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,480 It's eight o'clock in the morning. 178 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,520 I feel guilty for ringing now. 179 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,320 Where are you going at eight o'clock in the morning? 180 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:58,160 To a major Hollywood studio. 181 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,240 That's exciting! 182 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:01,720 It is exciting. 183 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,320 What are they going to talk to you about? 184 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,480 It's a longer story than this. 185 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,360 I haven't been allowed as much access to the new David and Michaels 186 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,800 - as I might have liked. - Oh... 187 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:11,560 But these people today, this morning, really want to talk to me 188 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,720 and I'm going to really want to talk to them, 189 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:17,320 so it's about time somebody just blew the fame and fortune bugle. 190 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,120 Oh. 191 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,240 (BOTH MAKE FANFARES) 192 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,680 Mine was more of a trumpet. 193 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,120 Erm... 194 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,640 I just saw Georgia and Anna. 195 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,760 Oh, what, for the charity thing? 196 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,120 - Yeah. - Great. 197 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,680 We read your scene. 198 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,760 And how funny was it? 199 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,440 Erm... 200 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,320 They would like me to rewrite it. 201 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:38,920 Rewrite it? 202 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,200 Yeah, just tailor it a bit more for them. 203 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,040 Well, for us. 204 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,720 Well, I did tailor it for them, for you. 205 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,320 Mm. Just a little tweak. Do you mind? 206 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,320 What's wrong with it? 207 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:49,520 - Nothing! - Nothing? 208 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,040 They think you can't write women. 209 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,360 Right. 210 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,800 No, that's too harsh. 211 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,600 I don't mean can't. Don't. 212 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,200 Like, won't. 213 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:01,880 No, can't. 214 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,680 I was right first time. You can't write women. 215 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,640 - Well, that's decisive. - Can I have a go? 216 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:08,920 Er... 217 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,880 It would be quite a cool opportunity for me. 218 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,040 Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Of course you can. 219 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,280 I won't change much. 220 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,400 No, look, honestly... 221 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,840 I am riding on your coat-tails. 222 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:18,960 (PHONE BEEPING) 223 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,920 - Oh. - You are super busy anyway. 224 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,080 I mean... OK, is that the taxi? 225 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,440 - I am busy anyway. - Mm. 226 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,320 This is my taxi. 227 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,960 - All right, bye. - Got to go, bye. 228 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,560 MICHAEL: Won't be a sec! 229 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,640 - All right. - How long have I got? 230 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,800 - Couple of minutes. - Great. 231 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,320 Definitely in this together, yeah? 232 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,760 Yes, as ever! 233 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,680 - What the fuck's that? - What? 234 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,880 - Why are you wearing a shirt? - I just put it on. 235 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:56,960 As long as I have known you, I've never seen you wearing a shirt. 236 00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,680 I have historically worn a shirt. 237 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,280 Why are you wearing a shirt? 238 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,880 Just because you fused with a hoodie... 239 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,000 - Are you trying to impress Mary? - No. 240 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,520 - You are, aren't you? - No. 241 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:09,960 - Are you? - No! 242 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,200 You wanker. 243 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,080 What? What are they? 244 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,680 Just a little design choice. 245 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,680 - Are you set dressing? - A bit of visual furniture. 246 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,080 Jesus, you are shameless. 247 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,920 Just think the frame was a bit empty, I think. 248 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,440 Better. 249 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,760 - Where are you going? - Just getting some books. 250 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,320 - What books? - Just, you know, books from my library. 251 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,280 Is it the fucking Twilight books? 252 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:58,480 $3 billion worldwide, chum! 253 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,000 Wanker! 254 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:00,880 Right, no, no. 255 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,160 Don't...don't you bring Harry Potter in. 256 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,160 Do not bring Har...! Right. 257 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,520 Is that Lyra? 258 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,920 Could you be quiet, please? She's sleeping. 259 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960 You're using your daughter as leverage? 260 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,760 I am being an attentive father. 261 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,880 - How?! - I'm helping her sleep. 262 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,400 - She was asleep already! - (COMPUTER CHIMES) 263 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,480 Hi, there! 264 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,880 - Hey! - Hey, Tom. 265 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:29,400 Hey! Whoa, Michael, did you make your own suit? 266 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,920 I was just doing an awards thing. I won... 267 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,640 - You won an award? - DAVID: What did you win? 268 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:38,320 Oh, talking about awards, woofty doofty, David! 269 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,840 What are those behind you? 270 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,000 Oh, these guys? Just, you know... 271 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,560 Oh, my goodness. We have a little Doctor Who. 272 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,520 What else have we got back there? I mean, what can't you do? 273 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,320 It's just a few. You know, most of them are over there. 274 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,080 Sorry, could...? Sorry. Sorry, guys. 275 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,600 Could you just keep it down a little bit? 276 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,520 The baby's sleeping. 277 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,640 Michael, that is so precious. 278 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:00,800 Yeah. 279 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,520 Is she actually in there? 280 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:03,840 Yes. 281 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,160 Could you please keep it quiet? She's sleeping. 282 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,680 Could we see her? Could we see her, then? 283 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,480 - Could we see her? - I don't want to wake her up. 284 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,680 I don't want to disturb her. 285 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,120 I'll be so quiet, Michael. 286 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,840 Do you...do you have children, Tom? 287 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,240 - No, I'm infertile. - Right. Right. 288 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,280 So I got Mary for both you guys, if you want. 289 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,680 Yeah. Tom, before you put her on, 290 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,320 this story about Mary and the Golden Globe, that's... 291 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,040 I mean, that's just stupid, isn't it? 292 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,280 What are you talking about? 293 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:33,040 That there was a client with a Golden Globe and there was a... 294 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,120 Yeah, that was never proven, right? 295 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,960 That was a story. There's so many rumours going around Hollywood. 296 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,680 You know, like, if someone by mistake got hurt with it 297 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,760 and then someone else had to bury the Golden Globe 298 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,560 and clear the blood off... Don't worry about it. 299 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,000 There's, literally, there's no way... 300 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,000 I don't even know why we're talking about this. There's no way to prove anything. 301 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,440 OK, and what's her mood like today? 302 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,920 - Oh, she's great! - Good great or bad great? 303 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,200 No, she's as per. As per. 304 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,840 Is as per, like, positive or negative? 305 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,720 Michael, did you hear him?! 306 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,680 (POSH VOICE) "Is as per, like, positive or negative?" 307 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,920 - I do not... I... - Of course, it's as per! 308 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,600 - David! - OK. 309 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,680 He's ridiculous. 310 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,080 Oh! Oh, she's Mary, David! 311 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,120 Yeah. 312 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,280 Oh, man, I needed that. 313 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,880 I was hoping you'd slam dunk a laugh in my face, and you did today. 314 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,280 Oh, Michael, you should try learning jokes! 315 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,040 - I think it would help you! - Tom... 316 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,720 It would get rid of, like, the visual stuff. 317 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,880 Tom, does Mary like children? Is she a big children fan? 318 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,920 I'm sorry, Michael, you're making literally no sense. 319 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,600 If I held the baby here... 320 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,320 Are you Lion King -ing her? Are you cradling? 321 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,720 Tell me what the position of the baby is. 322 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,160 I could... I could dandle her. 323 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:41,720 Do you know dandling? 324 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,360 Yeah, it's a "Michael Jackson over the thing" thing - 325 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,400 you don't want to do that. 326 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,520 I can also get my baby, if you think it'll help. 327 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,640 How old is your baby, David? Tell me everything! 328 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,320 The same. She's... She's also one. 329 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,440 Oh, my, that is so...! 330 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,000 But born... But born a few weeks after mine. 331 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,680 A year old! What are they like at a year? Tell me everything. 332 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,880 Oh, you know, sort of... 333 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,240 Just beginning to discover so much. 334 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,920 Oh, I bet that such a responsibility for you, 335 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,280 to have to take care of everything. 336 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,120 - You have to... - David's got so many of them, though, 337 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,680 they mean much less to him than my one means to me. 338 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,320 - Well... - It's spread out over his. 339 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,960 I guess that's right, like, if you have one award for something 340 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,600 or if you have, like, 15 awards, which one matters more? 341 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,120 I guess David has 15 awards, something like that, 342 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:21,640 so I guess it'd be David for this one, right? 343 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,040 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 344 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,320 I'm going to head out, OK? And enjoy whatever Bar Mitzvah 345 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,840 you're going to after this, Michael. That's why I assume you're wearing that. 346 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,280 - Thank you. Bye. - Talk soon. 347 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,280 Here comes Mary! 348 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,240 (COMPUTER CHIMES) 349 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,400 MARY: I've had thorns in my side before. 350 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,560 But you know what you are? 351 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,080 What? 352 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,240 - MARY: A tree up my ass. - (COMPUTER CHIMES) 353 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,880 Two trees, one ass. 354 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,200 How's the baby, David? 355 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,440 Me? 356 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,360 - No, you. - Michael. 357 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,680 Michael. I thought you were David. 358 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,040 Nope. 359 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,040 - How's the baby? - Um... 360 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,880 She's... She's asleep. 361 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,000 Then why is she on the call? 362 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,040 Blackmail? 363 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,840 I'm being attentive. 364 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,800 Do you have any children, Mary? 365 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,240 I have clients. 366 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,000 Simon and Nick are out. 367 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,200 - Yeah. - We heard, yeah. 368 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,880 Which one of you wants to tell me what happened? 369 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,800 Uh... 370 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,400 What did they say happened? 371 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,200 - They said you were dickheads. - Did they? 372 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,040 - They said that?! - I'm summarising. 373 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,440 - From what? - A quote. 374 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,720 - Right. - So what did you do? 375 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,760 Guys, you did something. 376 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,240 What did you do? 377 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,480 - It was David's idea. - Seriously? 378 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:41,720 What did you do? 379 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,120 Look, Simon and Nick reached out to us. 380 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,400 - Through David. - To both of us. 381 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,320 - You know, mainly David. - Can I tell the story? 382 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,560 - Are you sweating? - Yeah, you do look a bit shiny, David. 383 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,160 - Am I shiny? 384 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,560 - Are you sick? - No. 385 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,600 - Are you sure? - I just didn't sleep well last night. 386 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,040 Yeah, I told him he should have a nap. 387 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,120 Just keep going, OK? 388 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,240 Well, Simon and Nick reached out to both of us 389 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,040 and they actually asked if we would jump on a call 390 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,800 so that they could ask us some questions. 391 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,360 And then David suggested... 392 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,280 No, I didn't... No, it wasn't a suggestion, 393 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,320 it was...it was a joke. 394 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,160 - Oh, it wasn't a joke. - It was a joke. 395 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,160 No, it was a plot. 396 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,280 No, it was a joke that Michael took too seriously. 397 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,880 No, it was a plot to sabotage them! 398 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,400 Sabotage them? 399 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,760 - Yes. - Why? 400 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,920 So that they would read the roles... 401 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:23,960 ...bad 402 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,360 and then, er, we could, erm... 403 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,640 - You could what? - You know, 404 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,320 give them some bad ideas and... 405 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,000 ...give them some bad notes and... 406 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,120 Like? 407 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,800 Be more theatrical or, erm... 408 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,600 I mean, Michael actually gave Simon a mispronunciation of a Welsh phrase. 409 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,080 Shut up! 410 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,920 Listen, Mary, can I moot an idea? 411 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,680 What the fuck is a moot? 412 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,840 Might it be that actually we have done the production, 413 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,920 and indeed you, a bit of a favour here? 414 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,240 Explain how. 415 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,360 Well, look, Michael and I are still available. 416 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,240 Yeah? Simon and Nick... 417 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,840 ...if we're all honest about it, were never really right for this, 418 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:07,240 were they? It's a tired old bit of shtick that they do. 419 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,360 It's all a bit... 420 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,000 "Ooh-aah, ahh. Boy, all right." You know, it's...it's... 421 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,400 It's niche. 422 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,600 Um, and now they've stepped away, we can step back in. 423 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,560 We're the originators and your clients. 424 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:25,920 Simon and Nick are also my clients. 425 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,240 (WHISPERS) Fuck. 426 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,240 OK, are they? Right. 427 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,840 - And they are exceptional actors. - No, no. Sure, sure. 428 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,120 It's just that Michael said that... 429 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:40,880 Yeah, but, you know, their value far exceeds yours on every level. 430 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,960 Sor... Mar... Is that both of us, though? 431 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,480 - Yeah. - I am talented! 432 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,760 But they're box-office gold. 433 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,760 Well, Harry Potter made nearly 10 billion. 434 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,440 - You were in one film! - That is not helpful! 435 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,000 And only one scene! 436 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,800 And...and also a flashback! 437 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:01,400 I was actually, actually in four of the Twilight films. 438 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,200 - I'm Doctor Who! - Not any more, baby! 439 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,080 Well, I've still got the People's Choice Award! 440 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,760 And this turns sideways, I turn it like that, 441 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,720 and ram it up your tight Welsh rectum! 442 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,600 And that is exactly where that award should go, 443 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,880 right up there, with the rest of my excrement! 444 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,840 - So I got there fine. - Yeah, in the taxi. 445 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,000 In the taxi cab. 446 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,640 Major Hollywood studio. 447 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:32,280 Hm-hm. Yeah. Also, although, smaller than you would imagine. 448 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,240 - Smaller? - Yeah. Yeah. 449 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,960 It was sort of more like a sort of office... 450 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,760 Like a sort of office... 451 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,640 Building? 452 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,640 It was a building. It was... 453 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,320 It was sort of more like a bungalow, and the studio was sort of there. 454 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,360 - Mm. - In name, but they shared it 455 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,160 with a laundry and a funeral director. 456 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,920 - That's thrifty. - It is thrifty. 457 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,320 But good to be in demand. 458 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,000 But I don't think anything's going to come from it immediately, 459 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,760 so I think you just stand down. I'm going to give it another go... 460 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,880 I'm going to have another go at the Anna, you, Georgia, the charity scene. 461 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,240 Oh! 462 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,840 Yeah, yeah, look, so I've thought about it. 463 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,120 I know what you mean about the women thing and I've got some funnier ideas, 464 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,520 so you don't worry about it, I'm going to sort of power on in tonight. 465 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,120 I actually... I've already done it. 466 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,160 - OK. Well, good. - And I've sent it to the girls. 467 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,000 What do they think? 468 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,320 Er, well, we're reading it tomorrow morning. 469 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:24,840 Oh, great, well done. 470 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,640 - It will be cool to hear it out loud. - Yes. 471 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:28,800 It's so good to hear... 472 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:30,960 ...that stuff out loud. 473 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,000 Hey, talk to me, what's up? 474 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,800 MARY: America doesn't like you. 475 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:39,880 So let me be clear. 476 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,320 You may be hot shit in London, 477 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,600 but you don't mean shit here. 478 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,200 They're giving you your coats. 479 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,080 You're done, fellas. 480 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,160 You're done. 481 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,720 And on a personal note, 482 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,520 you managed to embarrass me. 483 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,840 - How? - Simon and Nick, 484 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,400 they talk to people. 485 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,000 Well, we can... We can fix that. 486 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,520 - We can talk to people. - Yeah. 487 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,000 Who could you talk to? 488 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,000 Um... 489 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,880 The werewolves...in Twilight? (LAUGHS) 490 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,880 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Harry Potter? 491 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,200 Your sleeping baby? 492 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,640 You can't talk to anybody. 493 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,440 - Sorry, Mary. - Sorry, Mary. 494 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,840 So here's what we're going to do. 495 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,760 I'm going to offer you both up to read again 496 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,680 with whoever they want to see next 497 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,600 and you're going to do it politely, 498 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,200 and you're going to do it competently 499 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,360 and you're going to fucking do it for free. 500 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,600 - Of cou... Absolutely, makes sense. - Yeah. Yeah. 501 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,520 I can mend some relationships, 502 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:45,320 but you motherfuckers show people that you can play well with others. 503 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,440 Do you understand me? 504 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,040 Yeah, got it. 505 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,000 And is there absolutely no chance that we can play ourselves in this? 506 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,840 Do you want me to repeat it? 507 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,240 America... 508 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,240 ...doesn't want you. Do you want to hear it over and over? 509 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,800 Can I tape it for you? 510 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,560 - Good. - I think... I feel like I've got it now. 511 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,960 Do you have any other questions? 512 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,440 Could you help me get to New York? 513 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,840 (COMPUTER CHIMES) 514 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,800 DAVID: I was in more scenes. 515 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,440 - What, in Harry Potter? - Originally, yeah. 516 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,560 - They cut them? - Well, they rewrote them. 517 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,480 - Without you. - Without my character, yeah. 518 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,680 - So they were cut. - They were changed. 519 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,800 - We're valuable. - Hugely! 520 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,120 - We are. - (SIGHS) 521 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,600 What are we going to do now? 522 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:43,960 Play nicely. 523 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,120 (SIGHS) 524 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:49,840 You ever had a scene cut? 525 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,680 - Once. - Oh, yeah? What in? 526 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,280 In GoldenEye. 527 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,400 GoldenEye?! What were you going to do in GoldenEye?! 528 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,960 You know the scene when he says, "Bond, James Bond"? 529 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,000 Of course. 530 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,680 Well, it was Pierce Brosnan's first time, 531 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,360 so they wanted the character to say that twice. 532 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,880 Right. What did you have to do? 533 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,040 I had to say, "Say again?" 534 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:13,160 - And...? - He said it again. 535 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,280 Right. 536 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,280 Bond, James Bond. 537 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,000 Say again? 538 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,480 Bond, James Bond! 539 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,640 And scene. 540 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,800 - They cut that?! - They did. 541 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,080 Wankers. No credit, nothing? 542 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,440 Nothing. 543 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,160 And I can't play Bond now! 544 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,840 - Really? - Yeah, that's the rule. 545 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,640 That's why they couldn't offer it to me last time. 546 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,360 - Was that why? - Mm-hm. 547 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,400 Right. 548 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,360 Yes. I was rumoured to be in the running to play James Bond once. 549 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,800 You were rumoured? 550 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,240 "Ex Doctor Who could be stepping out of the TARDIS 551 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,200 "and into a dinner jacket," that kind of stuff. 552 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,760 Yeah, no, there was... They did that thing where they Photoshop my head... 553 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,720 With your head put on like a pools winner. 554 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,240 Well, yeah, I mean, it wasn't the greatest Photoshop ever, 555 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,160 but the principle was there. 556 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,120 Have you never been in the running for Doctor Who? 557 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,360 - Yeah, I came close. - Did you?! 558 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,280 Mm. I was offered it. 559 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,360 No! What happened?! 560 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,600 I don't know. They just suddenly changed their mind. 561 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,400 Said they'd decided to go in a different direction. 562 00:22:13,450 --> 00:22:18,000 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41476

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