Original subtitles

[keypad beeping]

[door buzzes]

[door creaks]

[door creaks]

- What--what is this?

- It's a present. I made it for you.

- Oh.

- I know it doesn't look like much,

but I wanted to surprise you.

- A surprise for what?

- Well, do you mind telling me what day it is, Chip?

- It's the 10th day of December.

- Oh, shoot. We missed it.

- We missed what? - Nothing. Forget it.

- No, no, wait. Dory, please, please tell me.

What did we miss? Please?

- It's silly. It's just...

our three month friend-iversary.

I thought it would be nice to celebrate the day

that I arrived here by doing something special like--

like a dinner together or something.

But...we missed it, so...

It's okay, we can just celebrate it next year.

- [sighs]

Fuck! Idiot!

- Oh, well.

- We can just do it now.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

- Okay-- - Wait, don't eat this.

I'm gonna make something special.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

Dory, I'm so happy

that you're finally acknowledging we're friends.

- Me too.

- Ugh! - [giggles]

- I'm so lucky.

[Purity Ring's "Obedear"]

- ♪ Oh, but dear, the sky is low, watch ♪

♪ Fluent sea men rig their rudders so ♪

both: Amen.

- What did you pray for today, Charlie?

- I prayed for my makeup artist, Missy Winebasket.

I overheard Missy on the phone with her mommy

that she was at the Midtown Women's March this weekend.

I pray for you, Missy,

and I pray for all the women out there

who claim to be "feminists" when they're really just

man-hating, handout-hungry witches

who come together to wear hideous pink hats

and to cast spells on women like me with differing beliefs

all in the name of a movement

that's been irrelevant since 1920.

What did you pray for? - Thank you, Charlie.

That was beautiful, first of all.

- Mm-hmm.

- Today, I pray for a gay restaurant

that I was booed out of this morning.

Yeah. [scoffs]

Okay, I just wanna say and get this on the record finally.

I hate gay people.

And I'm allowed to hate myself.

It's actually in the Constitution.

Do I think gay people should exist? No.

Do I think I should exist? Absolutely not, okay?

And I do not have a problem in being a vocal advocate

in violently dismantling gay rights, okay?

No more workplace protections.

No more, people. No more marriage.

I can't believe that I almost got gay married.

Yeah, me. True life, okay?

You know what happens when you get gay married?

People die.

A caterer was hit by a car at my wedding.

A car that a lesbian was driving.

So...psh. So yeah.

My prayer today is that there is a gay gene

and that scientists can find it,

isolate it, and kill it.

Thank you.

- Great prayer.

- This china was a gift to my Aunt Lylah from JFK.

[classical music playing]

- No silverware?

- No, no silverware, just the beautiful china.

Forgive me for not being able to trust you

around sharp objects, but you made your bed.

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

- Hey, you're sulking. - Oh.

- Isn't this what you wanted? - I'm sorry.

This all looks so beautiful. - Thank you.

- And I just wish that I felt beautiful too.

- Oh, you look great. You look great the way you are.

- No, I just-- I wanna look nice, you know?

Like, put on a fancy dress

or, I don't know, take a shower.

- Well, I can get you a dress. - Yeah?

- Yeah, I think Aunt Lylah has just the right one.

- Okay, yeah, I mean-- - Yeah.

- Yeah, a dress would be-- a dress would be great.

- It should fit you just perfectly.

[both chuckle]

[door creaks]

[door shuts]

- Oh, the teeth! That counts, that counts.

- No, no, no. If it's teeth, I get a point.

- [laughs] No!

- Boys, I'm sorry.

But can Andrew and I have a moment?

- Ooh, I don't like that tone.

- Well, why do I have to leave?

- I-- - [sighs]

- Please?

- People take advantage of me. Always have.

[faint cheerful music playing]

- Hey, what's going on?

- Well, I don't know how to say this,

but I Googled you.

And after a few dozen Andrew Gardners come up,

you start to see Drew Gardner,

and I learned that you're not from South Africa.

You were born in Chicago.

And that...

[whispers] You need glasses.

And I learned a few other things.

[faint indistinct chatter]

- Um, is this about my murder trial?

- [squeals] - Okay, okay--

- So what it says is true?

- Hey, look, I-- - No, no, no, no, no.

- Hey, hey, hey.

I'm so, so sorry I didn't tell you about it, okay?

It's just I came here to put that life behind me, okay?

And that's not who I am.

I mean, it is. Yeah, it is, it's--

I don't want it to be anymore, okay?

And I like it here because none of that stuff exists.

I could sit here and I could just lie to you

about my past, but I don't wanna do that to you, okay?

So ask me anything and-- and I'll tell you the truth.

Whatever you wanna know, just ask.

- Okay. - Okay?

[classical music playing]

- [gasps]

Oh, my God.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

- Really? - Oh.

Do you feel better? - Mm-hmm.

- [laughs] Well, dinner is served.

- Oh, okay.

Oh, wow.

It looks so good.

- Happy friend-iversary.

- Happy friend-iversary.

♪ ♪

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- No, no, no, come on! It's a food fight.

Every friendship has a food fight.

Didn't you know that?

- Wait, really?

[grunts] Oh, my God!

[both laugh]

- Oh, come on. You can do better than that.

- [laughs]

[both laughing]

[yells]

[both laughing]

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, you win, you win!

- Yeah!

[laughs] - [panting]

Oh, no.

Chip, you got too carried away.

- But--but...food fight.

- I mean, I gonna have to get cleaned up.

I can't eat like this.

I really wish you had controlled yourself, Chip.

- Oh.

- What are we gonna do now?

[faucet squeaks]

- You know, I actually invented

a very powerful stain remover six years ago.

I didn't even mean to. I was just messing around

with some chemicals to remind myself of my time at MIT.

- That's amazing, Chip.

- Well, that's not the amazing part.

The amazing part is a laboratory

got their hands on it, and they discovered

that it is as close to a cure for lupus

that we presently have.

Can you believe that?

I didn't mean to invent

a stain remover or a cure for lupus,

let alone a stain remover that would become a cure for lupus.

So you see what I mean about having

too many options in my life?

I mean, if I succeed at everything,

how am I supposed to choose?

- Chip? - Yeah?

- Would--would you sing me something?

- Of course. Um...

Okay--two, three, four.

♪ The chills that you spill up my back keep me filled ♪

♪ With satisfaction when we're done ♪

♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪

- ♪ No, I wouldn't ask for another ♪

- Pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pew!

- No!

♪ No, I couldn't ask for another ♪

- ♪ Your groove I do deeply dig ♪

♪ No walls, only the bridge ♪

♪ My supper dish, my succotash wish ♪

- No, I couldn't ask for another ♪

- Pew!

- No, I couldn't ask for another ♪

- What are you doing? - [gasps]

[grunts]

- Stop it! What--

- [yells] - [shouts]

[grunts]

- Dory! What are you doing?

Unlock the door, Dory!

Dory, Dory, Dory, Dory!

- Fuck! [grunts angrily]

- Hey, what are you doing in there?

[suspenseful music]

Oh, my God-- [grunting]

- [yells]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[screams] Motherfuck--

- Dory! Oh, my God!

I am--I'm not bad. I know--I know you're scared.

- [grunts]

- If you just like me better,

you'll feel like a good friend!

♪ ♪

- [screams] Oh!

Hi, Lylah?

It's your neighbor, Paula Jo.

- [quietly] Fuck.

- Was that you who just

slammed the door in my face?

We haven't formally met, but I've been decorating

this house for Christmas every year.

- Shut up!

- I saw the car out in the driveway and I thought,

"Well, that must be the elusive Lylah!"

- Yes, it's me. Um...

Hi, I--I'm--you caught me at a really bad time, darling.

I-I'm just about to rush out the door.

- I know you're in a hurry, but I'm here now

and this works for me, so if we could just do

a real quick walk around the house

and take a look at where it might be just fantastic

for you to decorate.

- Fuck!

Yeah, great! Just hold on one minute!

Um...

- [panting nervously] Oh.

♪ ♪

- I just have to put the cats into the other room.

Otherwise, they'll just rush right out the door,

and we do not wanna spend the afternoon

chasing cats, now, do we?

- No.

- So just let me grab them here.

Come on, Buttercup.

Okay, I'm nearly done putting away the cats.

- Good, because it's very cold out here,

and these muffins are really heavy.

- [panting]

♪ ♪

- Hi--oh, thank you for the muffins.

I wish I had time to do all the things you want,

but I-I have to be in town to go celebrate some shoes.

They won the--they won the award for best shoes.

So, um, go run along, and let's do this another time.

- Oh, of course. I understand you're very busy.

But I sent you an email four years ago,

and I got an out-of-office reply,

and this house is on the Christmas Festivity Route,

and I am on the board of the Holiday Society,

so I've just been taking it upon myself

to decorate this house for you every year

because of your glaring absence in our community.

- Great, thank you for doing that.

- But you're home, which is wonderful!

And now that I have you here, I have to ask,

are you planning on decorating?

Because I'm happy to do it again for you.

- Ugh, you know what?

If it really means so much to you,

I would be happy to make the time in between my 11 jobs

and hundreds and hundreds

and hundreds of doctor's appointments.

Thank you for thinking that you should stop by.

- [panting]

♪ ♪

Where the fuck...

[wind whistling]

Okay. Okay.

All right.

[faint birds squawking]

Hello?

Help!

Hello?

[panting]

Fuck!

- Wow. - Yeah.

- How did you get hired here?

[faint cheerful music playing]

- They put me in a program called Cheer Watch,

and I basically have to fill out a bunch

of extra weekly reports, and they pay me

about half as much as they pay you guys.

Please don't tell anyone that, okay?

It's so embarrassing. - I would never.

I believe that everyone, everywhere,

no matter what they've done,

deserves the chance to be happy.

[both laugh]

- Thanks.

- Since you shared all that,

I wanna share something with you.

- Yes, yes, please, please.

- I never tell anyone this.

It's where all my pain comes from.

♪ ♪

But when I was 12, I was babysitting

for the mayor's niece, and I decided to leave the house

to go get a popsicle because they didn't

ever have them at their house. [laughs]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- So I took the baby with me to the gas station,

and I was paranoid about being gone too long,

so I wore my roller skates

to get there and back faster, and...

I was skating too fast.

- Uh-huh.

- And I tripped on a rock, and the baby went flying,

and it flew perfectly into a gutter,

like, where the street meets the curb.

It didn't even hit the edges of the gutter.

It just flew right into the hole like a perfect shot,

and I heard it splash.

- Oh, no.

- I was a pariah.

I was a monster.

[sobbing]

I can't deny what I did. I did what I did.

But I choose to be happy.

[laughs softly]

- Hey.

I'm so sorry that that happened to you.

- It's okay. I'm happy.

[both laugh]

I'm in Merry Merry Land. - Yeah.

- How could I not be happy here?

Okay.

We've both told each other the worst things.

- Yeah. - That's it.

No more lying.

- Yes, no more lying.

I promise.

- [panting]

Hello?

Is anyone here?

[light switch clicking]

[phone dings]

[radio clicks on]

[whirring]

[radio feedback]

Hello?

[static buzzing]

Hello?

Hello?

- Fuck you.

- Hello?

- Fuck you! Fuck you!

- Wh--where--are you--

is this a child?

- Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you!

- Wait, I--can I talk to your mom or your dad, please?

Are there any adults around?

[static drones]

- Fuck you! Bye, stupid.

- No, wait, wait! Wait, hello?

Hello? Hello?

- How much do you love this look for the brunch scene?

I mean, so indie, so vintage, so Dory, right?

- Yeah, it's cute. I feel really bad.

I don't wanna, like, step on your toes, you know?

This is your art, and like, I, you know,

I just don't feel good in this,

and I kind of feel like a ghost.

- Portia. Lassie Kazaar, the director.

- Oh, my gosh! Hi!

It's so nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I'm a hugger.

- I'm not. So let's have a chat.

Can you excuse us? - Of course.

- Okay. - Bye.

He's--he's, you know, incredible.

I love all my op--

- Okay. - [clears throat]

- So how are you feeling?

This is kind of a big departure for you.

- Yeah, I feel great, honestly.

Like, I feel inspired and excited,

and I feel like I'm born to play this part in a weird way,

'cause it's, like, who better to play Dory

than her best friend, you know what I mean?

- Okay, well, I just wanted to check in

and see if you have any questions about the character.

- I do, actually.

On the page, she's written, like,

kind of harsh, do you know what I mean?

And I wanna make sure that I add softness to her

because Dor wasn't all bad, you know?

And then I'm also, like-- is it too late to possibly

rewrite the scene where, you know,

she takes that cigarette and she puts it out

on that little baby squirrel?

I just feel like she wouldn't burn an animal.

- I understand it might not have really happened.

- Mm-hmm. - I know, it doesn't matter.

- Okay. - When you're telling a story,

you have to step things out for the audience.

- Right, which is-- that just--

that's not truth.

That's fake. That didn't happen.

- Did you see my last movie, "Einstein in Miami"?

- I didn't see it.

- Oh. [laughs]

Oh, okay, I thought you-- you're not kidding.

- No. - Okay, that's crazy.

Well... [laughs]

People saw it and loved it. A lot of people.

But what they also loved is seeing Einstein be in Miami.

Guess what. He never stepped foot in Miami.

I mean, I don't even think he knew what Florida was.

- Right. - 'Cause back then,

people couldn't just hop on a plane.

So my point is, here,

that this is gonna be a real fun movie.

- This is gonna be really fun.

But don't you wanna honor us?

Like, we really were real people.

That's the thing.

- [laughs] You're too close to this.

I knew you would be too close,

and I told people that you would be too close.

But no one listens to women.

Fucking stuck with this one.

- [panting]

Hello?

- Babe, you need to figure this out.

- [gasps] I'm trying.

- No, I get it, but you know, you made it this far.

Just need to make it a little bit farther.

- I don't know what else to do. - Where is everyone?

Where is everyone? Dory needs help, okay?

This is the "Dory Needs Help" show,

and the first caller in gets to help Dory.

Hello? [sighs]

- Okay, what we need is survival skills.

What if we just follow the Big Dipper,

and, you know, eventually we'll hit a bodega!

I don't know!

- Oh, no, she's cold as ice.

And this is no joke.

She could freeze to death in the night.

- That feels nice. - Oh, Dor.

You look really pretty.

You look really good,

but you gotta start dressing for the weather, okay?

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

Dory, look. Look!

A light. [laughs softly]

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey!

Wait! Wait, wait, stop!

[car door opens]

Thank you. Thank you.

[car door shuts]

♪ ♪

- Oh, look. A winter angel!

You know, you real lucky that I came on this road.

I normally don't come here at night.

I get too scared of the way the branches look.

- Can I use your phone? - Phone?

[laughs] God, ah.

Mobile phones rot the baby maker.

I wanna make sure that I can have another child.

You know, a man can have a child at any age.

- Can you drop me off at the police station then?

- I sure can.

I think it's on the way to my daughter's house.

We're having a white elephant. Yeah.

Yeah, and you don't wanna be there without a present.

You know, it's something peculiar,

you look real familiar to me.

- Do I?

- You ever been a contestant on "Deal or No Deal"?

- No.

- I love it. Eat it with a spoon.

But if it's that's not it...

- Sir, sir?

Can you keep your eyes on the road, please?

- I--I knew you were innocent!

I knew you weren't guilty!

I knew it! - Sir!

- I knew it, I told everyone! - Sir, please!

Sir, please! Keep your eyes on the road!

[screams]

[insects chirring]

- [laughs softly]

[faint cheerful music playing]

♪ ♪

Is that my sweater?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

What?

- Here he comes!

[crowd cheering]

- Love you! - Elliott!

- [laughs]

Hi!

[giggles]

My fans, my beautiful fans!

Hi. Hi. Mwah.

- Would you sign... - Oh, sure, of course.

- Hey, big girl. - Yeah?

Oh, my God. Excuse you?

- You little enemy of Dorothy.

We had three cancellations this morning.

- Well, congratulations. To them!

[both scoff]

Okay, can my fans arrest these people?

Thank you. - No, no, no, no.

You need to issue a retraction,

or we're gonna sue you for libel.

Nobody died at your stupid wedding!

- Oh, please, you know very well

that a twink died on your watch, okay?

And that's the only reason my fiancé left me, by the way.

- No, that twink did not die! - It is.

- He is still alive, and he didn't even work for us.

He faked everything. - What?

- You will die an old maid!

- Oh, eat my ass!

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[bird squawking]

[car engine ticking]

[wind whistling]

- [ragged breathing]

[grunting]

[horn honking]

[sobbing]

- ♪ The chills that you spill up my back ♪

♪ Keep me filled with satisfaction when we're done ♪

♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪

♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪

♪ No, I couldn't ask for another ♪

♪ You know that's right ♪

- Well, looks like you need my help.

- ♪ I look for signs ♪

♪ Get lost in the noise of the words that don't mean much ♪

♪ I'll be defiant ♪

♪ The one that could change us ♪

♪ I'll give you the same love ♪

♪ I darling, darling, don't know ♪

♪ How fame, faith, and the fallout ♪

♪ Time's up, times are getting loud ♪

♪ I darling, darling, don't know ♪

♪ How fame, faith, and the fallout ♪

♪ Time's up, times are getting loud ♪

♪ Every move I make ♪

♪ I make with no mistake ♪

♪ See, I know my heart ♪

- [coughs]