All language subtitles for Call.me.Kat.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Alexa, remind me to call
my mother every day at 6:00 p.m.

ALEXA:
Okay, I'll remind you
every day at 6:00 p.m.

Isn't that wonderful?

Now you won't have to worry
about forgetting.

My mother decided
to give me my birthday present

three months early.

I suspect so she could feel
appreciated longer.

She can help you
keep your calendar,

make your grocery list.

Alexa, make a fart sound.

ALEXA:
Okay, here's big fart.

-[fart noise]
-[laughs]

Oh, Katharine, really?

Hey, you don't get to control
my relationship with Alexa

just because you introduced us.

We like to have fun, okay?
We're silly.

You're also almost 40 years old.

Oh, that reminds me.
The cemetery called.

Oh, my gosh.
They come calling now?

How long did they give you?

They called to say
that the burial plot

next to me and Daddy
just became available.

Wait, how does a burial plot
just "become available"?

Well, they said the police
wouldn't let them comment

on ongoing investigations,
but they assured me

he's not going back in.

And since you don't have
a husband to be buried next to,

you should scoop this one up.

And on that awesome new thing
I have to think about,

on with our show.

♪

How's your pee stream, Max?

Come again?

Well, we're all getting older,
and I was just wondering,

'cause I've heard that guys
tend to lose power

from their pee stream as
they age, and you're already 40.

My pee stream age is 25.

If anybody's wondering,
I can pee

through a mini-donut
from across the room.

My stream is so powerful,
it can blow a hole

in a double cheeseburger.

Clean through from bun to bun.

-[laughs]
-Well, I got to go bury my nose
in some court cases.

-See you tonight?
-No, I don't think so.

My cousin's in town,
so we're going out clubbing.

Oh, cool. Well, have fun.

Oh, you don't have
to tell me to have fun.

When you're this fine, fun
just jumps in your lap. [laughs]

Well, if it jumps out
before I go to bed at 11:00,

-give me a ring.
-All right.

KAT:
What a cool guy.

And hot. He's hot, he's cool.

He's like a therapeutic
sports rub.

Yeah, and so confident
and understanding.

It's pretty annoying.

KAT:
Mm-hmm.

Wait, why is that annoying?

I don't know, I mean,
we have a great time together,

but when I want to do
my own stuff,

he's just fine with it.

And not once have I caught him
trying to look through my phone.

What kind
of a boyfriend is that?

Uh, the good kind
that trusts you?

You know what Randi
doesn't trust? Trust.

I'm so excited for tonight.

My cousin Birdie found this bar
that has a mechanical bull.

Ooh, I got to remember
to double-bra the girls.

Ooh, riding a mechanical bull
is on my whistle list.

Don't you mean bucket list?

Everyone in my family calls it
a whistle list

because after you do it you go,

-[wolf whistles]
"Should've done that sooner."
-[chuckles]

I want to watch Phil
ride a bull. I'm in.

No turning back now.
What time do we go?

Hold on. This is my night out.

And I mean this
with great respect:

oldies get left in the cold-ie.

Hey, I may be nearing
my 40th turn round the sun,

and, sure, sometimes when
I'm sitting in my rocking chair,

I can't tell if the squeaking
sound is my chair or my knees.

You have a rocking chair?

It's a modern glider.

My point is,
I still feel like I'm in my 20s.

And between going to grad school
to become a math professor

and changing my mind
and opening my own business,

I missed out
on some prime partying.

Oh, come on, Randi.
We'll have fun.

Plus, Phil needs to check
mechanical bull riding

off his whistle list.

I would love that.
When I was a kid,

we used to ride bucking goats.

Mama'd say,
"Don't you ride those goats.

Those goats aren't for riding."
But we did.

It's just that
when Birdie and I kick it,

we usually like to keep
the party going until sunup.

Oh, I see. The gauntlet
has been thrown, has it?

Well, I pick up that gauntlet
and I say,

"We shall party
until the little hand's

on the six and the big hand's
on the 12."

That's time-telling,
old person style.

Okay, fine, just try not
to embarrass me while we're out.

-Of course not.
-I would never.

I'm gonna dance like this.

And I'm gonna dance like this.

I'm gonna dance like this.

I'm gonna
dance like this.

[country music playing]

[nasally]:
The midnight hour approacheth.

We shall celebrate bringing in
the new day with souvenir cups.

Are these drinks gray?

[regular voice]: Yeah. It's
called the Louisville Tombstone.

'Cause after two of these,
you'll be six feet under.

I read that on the menu.

Which reminds me, I need to talk
to you about my burial plot.

No. This is what
I was afraid of.

This is old people talk.

Well, my mother put it on hold,

and I only have
24 hours to decide.

It's a very popular location.

-People are dying
to get in there.
-[laughs]

Shoot, my texts to Birdie
aren't going through.

I don't have any bars
in this bar.

Hey.

I figured you don't want
a stranger buying you a drink,

so we should
probably dance first.

-I can see that happening.
-Oh...

Uh, Randi, what are you doing?

Aren't you and Daniel
going steady?

Oldie says what?

You know, uh,
dating exclusively.

Daniel doesn't seem to worry
about what I do without him,

so why should I?

♪ Sometimes on the weekend
I like to watch a movie...♪

-This place is great.
-[laughs]: Yeah.

Great. So great.

We're doing this.

Yeah, we are. Sunrise or bust.

[whoops]

Do you think
we're the oldest people in here?

By far.

They're all thinking
about drinking

and rolling around
with each other.

But you know
what I'm thinking about?

Don't say it, Phil.

-Sleeping.
-[groans]

Now you got me
thinking about Frank.

Who's Frank?

Frank is my body pillow.

He's made of memory foam

and he has memorized
every inch of my body.

By chance, uh, do you and Frank
have an open relationship?

-[laughs]
-I'm, like,
freaking out right now,

you're so cute.

Um, will you come dance with me
and my friends?

Damn me
and my teddy bear nature.

-Oh, my gosh. Get on my back.
-[grunts]

Giddyap, girl.

[gasps]
You guys, I got him!

[laughs]

[yawns]

Oh, I'm not tired.

I'm not tired.

Just like a little tired.

[snoring]

♪

[snores]

Oh.

Oh, wow. I fell asleep
standing up, like a horse.

Do some exercises,
get my blood pumping.

Couple shoulder rolls.

Twists.

-Oh!
-Oh! Man down, man down.

-I am so sorry.
-[shouts]

Okay, now I stepped
on your foot.

Frank never would've
let this happen.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

You hit me right in the button.

Uh, by way of apology, here.

Uh, reach in,
grab whatever you want.

There's-there's a lot
of peppermints in there.

There-There's some
fun hair clips.

Okay. I like hair clips.

[laughs]:
Hey, you got my keys.

I think you mean my keys.

Well, in that case,
I like your U of L keychain.

I used to have one just like it.

-Oh, did you go there?
-Yeah.

-Oh, me, too.
-Not to brag,

but I'm probably
their hugest basketball fan.

Well, since we're both
not bragging,

when I was a student,
I was the mascot.

Shut your face.

You were Louie the Cardinal?

Uh, brag on, kind sir.

As you wish, milady.
Remember, like, ten years ago,

at halftime, when the mascot
took off at the half-court line,

jumped on the trampoline,
misjudged the hoop,

hit his head on the backboard...

And then he had to be carried
out on a stretcher

and everybody chanted,
"Louie! Louie!"

-That was me.
-Oh, my God!

You're like a celebrity.

You know, I actually auditioned

to be the mascot
my freshman year.

Oh, really? When was that?

Uh, nineteen-ninety...

let me buy you drink.
[laughs]

Why am I suddenly
not admitting my age?

Maybe I am becoming my mother.

It is weird that I don't know
how old you are, Mother.

I'm older than a seedling
but younger than the Moon.

I'm stronger than an oak

-and flexible like the wind.
-Flexible like the wind.

Sorry I brought it up.

Well, saddle up, Grandpa.

Wait, wait, I'm getting on, too.

[shouts]

♪ I want to run...♪

-Whoa.
-[whooping]

Whoopee!

♪

♪ Yippee-yi-oh,
yippee-yi-ki-yay...♪

Randi? Phil?

♪ Lasso your heart,
steal it away...♪

Excuse me, sir.

♪ Want to lasso your heart,
steal it away...♪

Looking for my friends.

♪ Steal it away...♪

No, no. Randi, no.

["Man! I Feel like a Woman!"
playing]

♪ Let's go, girls...♪

Finally, a song I know.

Sir, are there rules
about dancing on the bar here?

-Does this answer your question?
-[laughs]

♪ I'm goin' out tonight,
I'm feelin' all right...♪

[cheering]

I'm so glad I've practiced this
on my kitchen counter at home.

♪ Yeah, I want
to scream and shout...♪

Phil, look, I'm making money!

[laughs]
Oh!

♪ No inhibitions...♪

Oh...

I'm okay. I'm okay.

-Let's party.
-[cheering]

♪ I ain't gonna act
politically correct♪

♪ I only want
to have a good time.♪

I can't believe we've been
at the wrong club.

Birdie's at The Bear
and The Bull,

not The Bull and The Bear.

Phil, you scared me to death

when I saw you go
flying off that bull.

I thought you were gonna die.

Not a chance.
Mama always taught me

that if I fell from any height,
just go limp.

That way,
I wouldn't break anything.

Randi, you scared me, too.

I mean, I don't want to judge,

'cause that would be
an old people thing,

so I'll just keep it
young and curious.

What were you doing
rubbing up against that guy

on the dance floor?

You have a boyfriend.

Again, I'm just asking
in a young, cool,

Blue's Clueskind of way.

Hey, those are the type
of things that go down

when young people party.

Are you saying
that you can't handle it?

Wh-- Are you kidding me?
I was dancing

with a topless bartender
and I made 23 bucks.

Which I then gave him
'cause I accidentally crushed

his citrus squeezer.

I don't know why,
but that makes my nuts hurt.

Ooh, I also punched a guy and
we had an awesome conversation.

We have birthdays
in the same month,

although I'll be turning 40
and he'll be turning 30.

Ooh, yeah, no,
you don't need that hassle.

Guys mature way later,
so a 29-year-old dude

is really like
a 19-year-old boy.

Oh, well,
that's interesting, Randi.

So you can comment
on my relationship,

but I can't comment on yours?

Oh, so now it's a relationship?

No. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.

-Stop the car! Stop the car!
-Oh, no.

Are you gonna yak? 'Cause this
outfit is dry-clean only.

No, look.

That's the cemetery
where I may or may not

take up permanent residence
for all eternity.

You want to check out
my new digs?

Get it? Digs?

[laughing]

I do get it.

BOTH:
Digs.

When I was a kid, we'd visit
the cemetery all the time.

Mama would put cigarettes
on Pa-paw's grave

and then she'd say, "You can't
die twice from smoking."

Hey, I-I know where we are.

My father's plot should be
right over here.

Oh, my God.

Kat, I'm coming.

No, Phil, don't run.

KAT:
Are you okay?

PHIL:
I'm good.
I just went limp again.

At the beginning of the night,
I thought you guys

only had one foot in the grave,
but look at you now.

-What should I do?
-Can you please go find

a vine to pull us out?

Like a, Like a thick vine.

Where do you think we are that
I have size choices of vines?

Vine City? Vines"R"Us?

Bed Bath & Vines?

Probably a lot less roomy
in here

when they put a coffin in it.

Oh, we'll be fine.

I was stuck in a well
for three days when I was a kid.

Strangers lowered food
down to me.

I still can't eat
a bologna sandwich

-without a fishhook in it.
-Well...

may as well get comfortable.

Here lies
Katharine Edith Silver,

optimistic human woman,
albeit a little chilly.

-This'll warm you up.
-Oh. Thanks.

Mm.

Ugh. Phil, I thought that was
gonna be whiskey. What is that?

-Homemade bone broth.
-Oh...

I simmered it for eight hours.

It's all kinds of peppery.

Here, this one's whiskey.

-How many flasks
do you have, Phil?
-Only two.

But I've got a little jerky
if you get hungry.

Mm... there we go.

That'll bring the party back.

Well, it's a nice night out,
isn't it?

I can see the Big Dipper.

You know, it's actually
kind of cool. I mean,

how many people get a view
from their final resting place?

You know, at some point
we all start thinking

when the end will come.

I'm just glad you came
into my life when you did.

You've already helped me check
a lot of things

off my whistle list.

You know, I don't know
if it's all the Tombstones

we drank talking,
or the one we're lying under...

...but I don't want
to die, Phil.

Oh, I know, honey.
It's such a betrayal.

Just when you start
getting good at life,

it goes away.

And no matter how young I feel,

it's still gonna happen.

I know.

I'm gonna miss so many
cool things in the future.

Technology. Time travel.

Pillows that cut your hair
while you sleep.

You know, but most of all,

I'm gonna miss fun nights
like this

with my friends.

Aw.

Hey. Birdie just texted and said
she's at an all-night diner.

She met this hot old guy
that she's really into,

and she wants to get
my opinion of him.

But most importantly,
can you believe that

Daniel has not texted me
once tonight?!

Did you text him?

No, I'm not gonna text him.

What kind of a desperate message
would that send?

Uh, I don'’t mean to make this
all about me,

but we're stuck in a hole here.

Did you find a vine?

No, but I did brainstorm,

and lucky for you...

I double-bra'd it.

Ooh, what's the word?

Birdie's the word.

Oh, Kat, Phil, Birdie.
Birdie, Kat, Phil.

-Hi, Birdie.
-Hi.

-So how's it going with
the hot old guy?
-So good.

He's smart and sweet
and posed for Playgirl

back when he was in college.

Hey, I know somebody
who did that.

BOTH:
What are you doing here?

Hi, Max. I rode a bull.

Wait, you posed for Playgirl?

I was just trying to
put myself through school.

Mm-hmm, that's what all
the strippers say.

How do you all know each other?

Oh, his strip club is
right by our coffee shop.

Okay, come sit down,
and let me tell you

how I got all this blonde girl
hair stuck in my bracelet.

So, uh, is this what you do
on your weekends?

You, you get your party on
and hook up with

much younger ladies and such?

I couldn't sleep
and I wanted pancakes.

Gotcha. You know,
my grandpa used to get up

in the middle of the night
for a snack, too.

You're really hung up on this
getting older thing, aren't you?

Age is just a number, Kat.

Or to put it in a more
philosophical way,

you're only as old
as your pee stream.

Well, just so you know,
Birdie said she's hanging out

with a hot old guy.

-She said I was hot?
-[laughs]

Hey, are you okay seeing Max
with another woman?

Uh, totally fine.

Okay, I'm just saying,

because that other woman
may be my cousin,

but I will shut that down tight
if you want me to.

Normally I would say blood is
thicker than friendship,

but Birdie did steal
my prom date,

and we still working
through that.

I promise you it's okay.
We're just friends.

He has to live his life
and I have to live mine.

Oh, my gosh, that's the guy
I punched.

Really? Oh, he's cute.

-What are you thinking?
-Well...

I'm thinking, as the young
people might say, "YOLO,"

which is "you only live once."

Don't want to have "FOMO,"
which is "fear of missing out."

Let's not forgot Yo-Yo,
a cellist of great renown.

Girl, get over there.

Well, hello.

No way. Hi.

In case you're wondering,
I'm not stalking you.

That's the first thing
a stalker would say.

But I'm actually
really glad you're here.

Also, you have dirt
on your face.

Oh, um, yeah, I-I fell
into a freshly dug grave.

Another thing a stalker
would say.

She texts him at 4:00 a.m.
and asks,

"Are you in the mood
for pancakes?"

He's not, but now he can't
go back to sleep,

so he drives over,
but when he walks in the door

he realizes he's still
in his slippers.

I kissed a guy tonight.

Wow. Okay.

-That's your reaction? "Okay"?!
-I said "Wow."

Ugh, I didn't really kiss a guy.

Well, then, why did you say
you did?

Don't you know that when your
girlfriend goes out without you,

you're supposed to act
all jealous

and text her constantly
throughout the night?

How do you know I didn't
track your every move

through your phone?

-Did you?
-No.

Ugh!

Randi, hold up.

I'm not sure what's happening.

I've done unhealthy
relationships,

and it sounds
like you have, too.

But if you need me to be
jealous or controlling

to recreate some familiar
feeling from your past,

then it's not gonna happen.

Then, besides giving me
control of the remote,

how do I know you like me?

[chuckles]
I drove here in my slippers.

And I think about you
all the time

when we're not together.

And I want you
to move in with me,

and I was trying to think
of a cool way to ask you,

but I wasn't sure if I was
the flash mob type or not.

And flash mob was the cool
or uncool way?

Can I take that as a yes?

So I was thinking,
you're about to turn 30.

I've already been 30.

Maybe we could go out sometime

and I could give you
some life spoiler alerts.

Okay, let's do it.

Really?

Yay.

Okay. That's great.

Boom!

Wait, I don'’t have your number
or know your name.

But I do still have...
[sings mini fanfare]

My keys. No way.

What a satisfying feeling
to get something back

you didn't even remember
you lost.

Yeah, the last club
I couldn't find you,

and then I went all
around the parking lot

pressing the lock button
hoping to hear a "whoop-whoop."

And then I realized you probably
took a car service home.

I took a car service, yeah.

Anyway, uh, let me get
your number.

Yeah. Let me give it to you.

Let me give it to you good.
Whoop-whoop!

Aha!

We did it.
We made it to sunrise.

You know what this is?

Me picking up
the invisible gauntlet.

Me holding it over my head
and dancing around with it.

Fine, you both proved yourselves
worthy of an all-nighter.

Oh, I love how everything
just came together,

like in a movie.

Oscar showed up at the diner.

Daniel showed up at the diner.

That tattoo truck pulled up
just as we were leaving.

And we commemorated the night
with our matching tattoos.

-Ankles aweigh!
-Oh, those are so cute!

I wish I would've got one.

Wha... Phil, you did get one.

You just fell asleep
in the chair.

PHIL:
Well, where'd you come from,

-little kitty paw?
-[laughing]

You know,
this makes us more than friends.

This makes us like a gang.

Like a badass kitty gang.

If you want to be
a really badass kitty gang,

we should keep it totally secret
from everyone else

and never talk about it again.

-That is reallybadass.
-[Randi laughs]

The question is,
how does a badass kitty gang

stay awake during work?

I feel like I'm gonna fall over.

I call dibs on first nap.

All right, I'll fire up
the espresso machine.

Better yet, I'll get us
some coffee beans to chew on.

And I'll just relive last night
over and over in my mind.

-[chuckles]
-["Man! I Feel like a Woman!"
playing]

♪ Let's go, girls.♪

♪

♪