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_

Are you on pot?

Oh, no, sir.

I am not gonna embarrass this paper

by running some cockamamie story

about little green men
flying over the White House!

But, with all due respect,
sir, it really happened,

and it wasn't little green men!

It was a swarm of
unidentified flying objects,

hovering over the Capitol Building

and the White House.

Look at these photographs, sir.

These were taken by our
very own photographers.

What do you think of that?

I think our very own photographers

are on reefer, as well.

We are not running this story.

- Do you hear me?
- But sir...

Do you want this paper
to be a laughing stock?

I do not, sir.

Do you want my children to go hungry?

Oh, no, sir.

Do you like baseball?

Well, it's America's
favorite pastime, sir.

- Not a big fan, myself.
- All right.

Yet I have this baseball. You know why?

- No, sir.
- To hit people in the head that annoy me.

And you're annoying me.

You have exactly three seconds
to get out of this office.

One...

two...

three!

Ooh, doggy! Howdy, partners.
It's me, Swell Del Wainwright,

here to lasso you up
some gorgeous deals.

Oh, that's some good 'uns.

At Swell Del's, I grab
the bargains by the horns.

Mama, say "moo."

So stick your head out of the herd

and steer yourself on in.

- Ow.
- Come get your favorite brand.

We'll rustle you up a good deal.

And that's no bull.

In the past 20 years,
I've sold well over

2.5 million cars, with
our udderly-great prices.

More than any other car dealer
in the great old U.S. of A.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

So, buy your next car
from Swell Del Wainwright.

It's my ampa, and it's
like I put 'em in the car

and we're in business.

Like my grandson says,

"It's like having a cousin
in the car-selling business."

That's a smart boy.

Come see Swell Del.

Three new locations... I-27
and Route 6200, Lubbock...

- Whoa!
- Mellow out!

Criminy! Did you see, that
catfish hunter was gonna hit me

in the head with a
baseball. He's very mean.

You want me to go in there
and punch him in the face?

Aw, you wouldn't do that.

You're right, but I was just asking

if you wanted me to.

Bailey, you can't go in
there pitching crazy stories.

But if I gave him proof
and tell the truth,

I can change people's minds.

You can't change what
people want to believe.

Well, I think you can.

Oh.

How'd McGovern work out for you?

How'd Nixon work out for you?

I only voted for him
because I like Spiro Agnew.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

You thinkin' about buying a car?

Uh, yes.

Something like that.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Mr. Bidwell.

New hat?

Why, guilty. How did you know?

It's on backwards.

- Ah.
- Classic Yankee move.

Well...

My friends call me Bull.

My friends call me Del.

Are you my friend... Bull?

Uh, I hope so.

You're a very rich man, Del, with...

modest tastes.

People like you. People look up to you.

You trying to grease me up, son?

No, Del, I'm not greasing you up.

I want to make you an offer.

Grease me up, make me an offer.

You can pour maple syrup on it,

but it still doesn't make it a pancake.

I know who you are, Bull.

Fancy Washington, D.C.,
snake-oil salesman.

We're in the same business.

I sell people cars that don't work,

and you sell people
politicians that don't work.

Campaign manager.

I own half the people
you work for down here.

So, what in God's green
acres are you gonna offer me?

I want to make you

the next President of the United States.

Okay.

Why don't you pull my other leg,

and it'll play "Jingle Bells"?

Um, Del, not only do I want to, I can.

President Wainwright.

I like the sound of it. Hot damn!

Yeah, it's got a ring to it, doesn't it?

A ring-a-ding-ding.

I'd be lying if I said
I didn't think about

being president most of my life.

Well, it'd make my pappy proud.

God bless his soul.

All right, so we have a deal.

Hold your horses.

Before I sign up with
a crazy idea like this,

what makes you think you
can get me, of all people,

elected President of the
United States of America?

Well, people see you as an outsider,

as a rich, good old boy,

who shoots from the
hip and can't be bought.

It's a pretty simple formula, really.

We just find some enemies and
keep pounding away on them.

Who are my enemies?

Hippies, Russians, hell, it
can even be the Girl Scouts.

I don't give a rat's ass,

as long as you give
them somebody to hate.

See, Del, it's kind of
like your restaurant here,

Del's Burgers and Fries.

Burgers and Fries are a hero

to people that tried
Chinese food and hated it.

And you, you are Burgers and Fries.

You just remind people
that they're afraid

and that you're the only
person that could save them.

Tell them you'll bring
back the good old days,

whatever the Sam Hill that means.

All right, if I say yes,
what do I have to do?

Two things.

I need your commitment, 100%.

Done.

And I need full disclosure.

I need to know if there's
anything in your past

that can bite us in
the ass on the campaign.

I cheated on my first wife.

That's what first wives are for.

With her sister.

Oh. Well played.

I forced her to have an abortion.

Well, Del, that... Hmm.

That could cause us some
problems with evangelicals,

but if it comes out,
we'll just keep stressing

how ridiculous the whole thing is,

what with you being pro-life and all.

I mean, you are
pro-life, aren't you, Del?

I can be.

Perfect. So, is there anything else?

Oh, yeah. I'm a werewolf.

A what, Del?

I'm a werewolf,

like my daddy was and
his daddy before him.

Hell, it's not that bad.

I mean, I only become a
werewolf when I get too angry,

and normally, I can control it.

Ah.

Anything else?

I ate a toddler once.

Aw, geez.

When I was a werewolf.

Ah.

You know, no one's perfect.

The American way of
life is under attack.

These other countries, they're
walking all over us, right?

They hate us. They hate
the American way of freedom.

We need a bold outsider

who's not afraid to tell it like it is.

And if they insist

on holding us ransom at the gas pumps,

and you know they're doing it...

Some people, I don't know,
a lot of people are saying

we should bomb them back to Tehran.

Would you like that? Would you? Okay.

All right, maybe we'll do that.

A straight shooter who's
not ashamed of the U.S.A.

- Should we bomb them?
- U.S.A.!

We should bomb them.

Bring back the good old days.

Vote Swell Del Wainwright,
the choice of real America.

His campaign has been like no other.

Full of scandals, shocking behavior

that would've sunk any
other candidate in history.

Excuse me. Look at this pretty girl.

- Isn't she pretty?
- Excuse me?

- Yes?
- Don't you feel a woman

should have the right
to choose what goes on

- with her own body?
- I believe that every woman

has the right to choose...

to keep her knees together.

Why don't you try that for
a week, honey? All right.

No, he doesn't offend me.

All men talk that way.
He's just being honest.

Wainwright's popularity could take him

all the way to the White House.

Ugh. Turn it off. This is so depressing.

Jiminy Christmas! It
doesn't matter what we write.

We've written about everything...

his affair with his sister-in-law,

his hiring an illegal maid.

He kicked a dog, and his
supporters believed him

when he said he was
helping it out of traffic.

I mean, the man is made of Teflon.

Well, I've told you before,

you can prove things to people,

but in the end, they're
gonna believe what they want.

Well, I'm not giving up.

All right, little engine that could.

Choo-choo.

- Regina Bailey?
- Yes?

I read your articles on Del.

I have proof that Del
Wainwright is a werewolf.

I saw him change into a werewolf,

right in front of my very eyes.

Okay, and, uh, why
are you such an expert?

Because...

I am Anka the vampire.

Vampires and werewolves
have been mortal enemies

since the dawn of time.

You don't say.

Don't humor me.

Here's proof.

Well, gosh, looks like a dog

standing on its hind legs.

It's not.

No. Keep it.

You must run the story.

I sure will see what I can do.

Hey, aren't you supposed to
not be out during the day?

That's why I wear these.

Oh, sure. Sure.

I do believe in equal rights.

But I believe in equal rights for all,

not just the minorities.

Now, you folks at home, the
press thinks you're dumb.

They'll whiz down your back
and tell you it's raining.

Don't tell me that.

They don't care about
you. Not like I do.

'Cause the press, in this country,

are a bunch of traitors
out to destroy America.

Treason. Treason. Traitor.

A lot of smart people
are saying it. Traitor.

Mr. Wainwright, isn't your lack

of political experience a
detriment to holding office?

That's a stupid question! I'm not...

... gonna dignify that with an ans...

What was that? That
sounded like he barked.

Maybe he has Tourette's.

I'm not...

... gonna...

- What's this?
- A vampire gave that to me.

Said she had proof
that Del was a werewolf.

Sounds about right.

This is a dog walking on his hind legs.

- Or Bigfoot.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That thing is way too
short to be Bigf...

I mean, if Bigfoot were real.

Of course.

Where are you goin'?

To see a vampire about a werewolf.

Well, I'm comin' with you.

If you get killed by that nut,

I want to take the pictures.

How do you know this person?

Oh, we met in a toilet.

You got a weird personal life.

Hello?

Anka?

Anka the vampire?

You first.

Anka?

Anka the vam...

I thought they sleep during the day.

Move! I got children, shrimp!

This better be good.

Del Wainwright is a werewolf.

- Get out of my office.
- Hear me out.

The woman who took
this photo is missing.

This looks like a dog
standing on its hind legs.

That's what I said.

Do you believe any of this nonsense?

No. Sorry.

If you waste one more minute
of my time on this foolishness,

you're fired. Understood?

Then why are you still standing there?

Get out!

- Bailey.
- Who is this?

This is Jim Bidwell.

Bull Bidwell?

Yes. Bull Bidwell.

What do you want?

I believe you own a photograph
that I'm interested in.

And why should I give it to you?

I guess for your own well-being.

Oh, you don't scare me.

If you really want that photo,
let me talk to Wainwright.

That's not gonna happen.

Well then, we'll publish the photo.

Meet me at the Trenton at 8:00 a.m.

With Wainwright.

What are you doing here?

Wainwright's a big story.

You still chasing dogs?

- Miss Bailey?
- Yes.

Right this way.

Sorry, ma'am.

Aw.

Okay.

I see how it's gonna be.

- Ah.
- Hello.

- Miss Bailey.
- Hi.

Here. Why don't you take a load off?

- All right.
- Hope you're hungry, honey.

Uh, not really. No.

Oh, I'll just have a club soda.

Why? Are you a teetotaler, sweetheart?

You should try the bloody Mary.

Hey, you know what,
get her a bloody Mary.

Best bloody Marys in town.

It'll grow hair on your chest.

That's an interesting choice of words.

Yeah, that's a good
one. You're funny, doll.

You think you know everything
about me, don't you, huh?

You think I'm a clown, a puppet.
Well, nobody pulls my strings.

I didn't get where I am
by underestimating people.

What happened to Anka?

Uh, the vampire?

I don't know. Why don't you tell us.

She's your friend.

Maybe she flew away.

Yeah.

Well, enough of the chit-chat.
Let's see that photo.

May I ask Del a question first?

Sure, sugar. It's a free country.

Are you a werewolf?

Well, I guess that depends
on what that photo looks like.

Come on. Let's see it.

All right.

Let's have a...

Oh, Del.

Del, Del, Del, Del. I'm afraid...

I'm afraid she's got us by
the short and curlies, Del.

I mean, look at that.

You come after us with this?

Oh, I thought you were a reporter.

You're just a little girl
with a big imagination.

This just looks like a dog
standing on his hind legs.

There you go. Sell that to a tabloid.

You ain't got nothin', honey.

You want to know something funny?

Iam a werewolf.

And I am going to be the next
President of the United States,

and there ain't a God damn
thing you can do about it.

She's got nothin'!

Nobody.

Like a God damn...

Aaah!

Aaah!

Del?

Del. Calm.

Del, just breathe.

Del...

_

_

Yes, I'm a werewolf.

But I'm an American first.

We are a land of second chances.

I have struggled with my disease

of lycanthropy my whole life.

But like my father before me...

... and his father before him,

we never let it win.

We never let it get the best of us.

Because...

we are proud...

proud Americans.

God bless the U.S.A.

So, he's a werewolf?
My dad's an alcoholic.

I want a president that's a werewolf

so that other countries
won't push us around.

_

This morning, I was supposed
to go golfing with the CEO.

Instead, Del Wainwright
went golfing with the CEO.

I like you, Bailey.

But word's come down,

you're to be terminated immediately.

- But, sir...
- I'm sorry.

Can't believe you got fired.

Leo said he didn't care
if it was the truth.

You want to go to dinner?

Well, aren't you afraid
of losing your job?

He can fire me. I don't care.

- Thank you.
- I really am sorry I didn't believe you.

I got proof.

I got proof Del killed and ate that kid.

It's over, Anka.

No one cares.

Want to go get food with us?

Well, I don't eat meat.

You're a vampire and you don't eat meat?

What?

I'm a fruit bat.

Goodnight.

You wanna know somethin' funny?

I am a werewolf.

And I am going to be the next
President of the United States.

- We're getting really political in this episode.
- We really are.

And the theme is quite surely,
if you tell people the truth,

can you change the behavior?
Do you believe that?

No, I don't. No, of course I do.

- Are you taking ***?
- The way the world is right now,

if this episode actually
happened, I'd go,

"Yeah, sounds about right."

Yeah, it wouldn't be
anywhere *** right now.

Slider or fastball?

- Fastball.
- Great!

I need to know if there's
anything in your past

that can bite us in
the ass on the campaign.

I slept with my sister. No,

I cheated...

that's much worse...

What was it like working with Koechner?

Koechner was... I mean...

You imagine it's gonna be unpleasant

when you're working with Dave Koechner.

And then, it is.

I think... you see the child,

yeah, the child that was
beaten and locked in a closet,

inside his heart.

So, buy your next car from
Swell... Here we go. Three,

two... what's after two?

has got so many different
elements going on.

I feel like it's an hommage to
all those late seventies films.

It was a little bit John
Carpenter, but at the same time,

you know, doing Sydney Pollack.

It has a lot of interesting characters

but also has a very
important message to it.

Well, no-one's gonna believe that came

from the guy from Police Academy.

But I'm really happy with this episode.

I do like the satyre.

I want a president for a werewolf.

It felt eerily familiar.

- It's about werewolves, man.
- Yeah, that's what I meant.

I'm talking about the recent inflex
in werewolves into the country.

You know? Which is why we
need to strengthen our borders.

I swallowed my hair.

- We're becoming such good friends.
- You guys should do a cop show.

I think so too. We already
have it in the plans,

*** and French, coming your way soon.

Uh, what happened down there?

Jason was almost totally
blind in the wolfman suit.

So, I'm frequently directing him

from off-camera trying
to stir him to safety.

Well, I hope we use the take when

the wolf came out and

ate it on the carpet.
I hope we use that tape.

There was no traction to
make that right turn, so...

I totally bifted on ***

"Left! No, right!"

This is basically me going, "yeah, well,

- we're fucked". That's what this episode is about.
- We hope you enjoyed it.

Call your senators!

- And say what?
- Oh, renew

Misfits and Monsters
for season 2 on truTV!

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- www.MY-SUBS.com -