All language subtitles for Oceans.8.2018.720p.HD-TS.X264-CPG-HI

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

PAROLE BOARD OFFICER:
Good afternoon, Miss Ocean.

Hi.

As you know,
parole is a privilege.

And one of the restrictions
on any parolee,

is to avoid the company

of any person who has
a criminal record of any kind.

That would include
most of your extended family.

Yeah, that's obviously
not something I'm proud of.

Would this pose an impossible
challenge for you?

No. No.

I don't want that life.
I never wanted that life.

My brother, um...

May he rest in peace,

was a criminal.

I loved him,

but he was a conman.

It was in his blood.

- And it's not in your blood?
- No.

No, sir.

Um...

I fell for the wrong person.

It was a mistake.

Uh...

But it happened.

And if I were to be released,
I would, um...

Sorry.

(VOICE BREAKING)
Wow, just saying that...

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

If I were to be released,
(CLEARS THROAT)

I would just want
the simple life.

I just wanna hold down a job,

make some friends,

go for a walk after work
in the fresh air

and pay my bills.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
ON PA)

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Simple life?

Nice one.

- Heard about that?
- Who didn't?

I had five years
to rehearse it.

- Here's your stuff.
- Thank you.

DINA: Nice watch.

DEBBIE: It's my brother's.
DINA: Left it to you?

I stole it.

It's fine, Dina.
He stole it, too.

So we're still gonna get
a regular shipment next week.

You take your cut, plus
a few extra cartons, okay?

I want you to trade 'em,
not smoke 'em.

DINA: So where you going?

DEBBIE:
Well, I have 45 bucks, Dina.

I can go anywhere I want.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hi, I'd like to return these.

Oh, of course.
Do you have your receipt?

No, but they're unopened.
They haven't been touched.

I really need your receipt.

They are sealed.
They are brand new.

(SIGHS) Do you have
the credit card that you used?

This is ridiculous!
I bought these last week.

Ma'am, you can try client
services on the sixth floor.

You know what? Never mind.
I'll just keep 'em.

Jesus.

Can I at least get a bag?

Sure.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm checking out
of room 2814. Gary Randall.

- Did you have a pleasant stay?
- Terrific.

My name is Monica.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

Or arrange transportation?

GARY: I think we're all set.

DEBBIE: Hi,
this is Mrs. Randall.

We just checked out
of room 2814.

May I speak
with Monica, please?

- This is she.
- Hi, Monica.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, we just found out
our flight was canceled.

- Oh, no!
- I know, I know.

And instead of staying

in some
horrible airport hotel,

we were hoping that maybe

we could get
our original room back?

Yeah, we can give you
that same room back.

That would be amazing!
Thank you so much!

Um, we're just
gonna go grab a bite.

Would it be possible
to get the maid in there now?

MONICA: Yes, absolutely.

DEBBIE: Perfect.
We really appreciate it.

MONICA: It's not a problem.

DEBBIE: Thank you so much.
We'll see you soon.

DEBBIE: Hi.

I'm so sorry.
Can you finish up later?

I just have
to get off my feet.

- Of course.
- Thank you so much.

- Have a great day.
- You, too!

Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

JUDGE JUDY: (ON TV)
And he did not move in!

And he wants his money back.

And he gets his money back.

If you said no, does that mean
you didn't take the money?

What crate are you on?

APRIL: 15.

JUDGE JUDY: Listen.

You think I like you?
You think I believe you?

You think I trust anything
that you're saying?

The answer is absolutely not.

Guys, it's 9:30.

(JUDGE JUDY CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

It's too much.
It's too much.

It's three fingers
from the top.

Not one, it's three.

It's a rerun, April.

She slept with her cousin,
crashed the car.

The baby's not his.

What's that taste like?

(EXHALES) Vodka.

Vodka. Exactly.
But I don't want vodka.

I want vodka and water.

- And do you wanna know why?
- Uh, sure.

'Cause when you're drunk,
it tastes like vodka.

- Right.
- BOTH: Right.

I don't care!

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

LOU: Oh, missed you, too.

You better be in there.

(MAN COUGHING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I know you're there, Reuben.

You can come on out.

I was just paying my respects.

From around the corner?

What are you doing here?

They thought I'd be
the best one to talk to you.

Hmm. Gotta go.

He didn't want you
to do this, Deborah.

Do what?

Whatever it is he wouldn't
tell us you're gonna do.

- Look, Deb.
- Mmm.

Sometimes, just knowing
the job will work

is satisfaction enough.

You don't actually
gotta do it.

What else did he say?

- He said it was brilliant.
- Oh, okay.

And that you would probably
end up back in prison.

I'm not gonna end up
back in prison.

Okay?

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(SOFTLY) I gotta go.

Be careful.

You're looking sharp.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

- LOU: Mmm!
- Hey, hey! Take it easy.

Been in the slammer.

Oh, I just thought
you changed your number.

DEBBIE: Did you
get the credit line?

- Not yet.
- Why not?

Because I don't know
what it's for.

(SOFTLY) Oh, my God!

LOU: Don't do that.

- Do what?
- (SIGHING)

That would be my "I've just
been in jail for five years,

"and my partner
lets me down" face.

Hey, I'm not your partner.
Yet.

DEBBIE: This is nice.

Chain-link, barb wire.

Brought you something.

Oh, um...

Can I exchange
something you stole?

Well, if you're gonna
have a problem with stealing,

you're not gonna like
the rest of this conversation.

- What, we're gonna shoplift?
- Maybe.

No. See, this is what you do.

You make me guess and then,
I'm interested.

- Okay.
- And then you think because

I'm interested,
that I wanna do it.

Don't you wanna do things
you're interested in?

I'm interested
in brain surgery.

Well, we know
that's not gonna happen.

(SIGHS) Whatever.
You don't wanna tell me...

- (SIGHS)
- It's jewels.

Spectacular,
great, big, blingy,

big old Liz Taylor jewels,

that are locked in a vault
50 feet underground.

How do we get them
out of the vault?

They're gonna bring 'em to us.

Oh, bugger!

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh.

Nice place.

LOU: Try heating it.

There's a room
for you upstairs.

Your stuff's upstairs, too.

You know,
I borrowed some shit.

Figured you weren't using it.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

CARA: So,
is this your gallery?

- Yeah, one of them.
- Hmm.

Where are the others?

Well, I'm opening
one in London.

Got plans
for another one in Tokyo.

We're talking about LA,

but I'm not sure
that makes sense.

It's all a bit derivative
out there, you know?

(CHUCKLES) So this is
the only one that exists?

Well... Physically.

Excuse me one second.

Sorry. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

I was meaning to call you.

Jesus, it's great to see you.
You look...

Recently incarcerated?

Wonderful. You look wonderful.

- (CLAUDE GRUNTS)
- Do you know what a shiv is?

Okay, stop. Just stop.

Oh, such a nice face.

You know, inside,

you're what we call
a pretty girl.

- I'll call the police.
- Okay.

Do you know what we do
with snitches?

LOU: He saw you?
DEBBIE: Oh, yeah.

LOU: Why would you
do something like that?

Closure?

Bullshit!

Jesus!

(DEBBIE CHUCKLES)

So did you...

No.

Just a little button.

(LAUGHING)

DEBBIE: So at first, I thought
banks. 'Cause you know...

LOU: That's where
they have money?

DEBBIE: Exactly.
But that's kind of boring.

So then I thought ten banks.

Then I realized
that would be maybe

coming from
an angry place so...

LOU: Good you realized that.

DEBBIE: Yes. Then I couldn't
even hear myself think.

You know,
five women in one cell.

So I got myself
thrown in solitary

for a little peace and quiet,

and that's where
I finally came up with it.

- It's still a museum.
- So?

So, it's not like
robbing a liquor store.

(SPEAKING WITH MOUTH FULL)

I'm sorry,
I don't speak Ukrainian.

I said, "We're
not robbing a museum."

We're robbing someone
in a museum.

In a museum.

Yeah, you mentioned.

Look.

- Even if this was possible...
- It is possible.

Even if it was,
we'd need, like,

20 people
and half a million dollars.

Seven.

Seven million?

Seven people and 20 grand.

Why do you need to do this?

Because it's what I'm good at.

Uh, yeah.

You know what?

I have run this thing
a thousand times.

Every time I got caught,
I fixed it.

And in three years, I wasn't
getting caught anymore.

By the time I was paroled,
it was running like clockwork.

Perfectly.

And you were there with me,
every step of the way.

Oh, honey, is this a proposal?

Baby, I don't have
a diamond yet.

Come on. Do you
really wanna spend the rest

of your life
watering down well vodka?

Because it's really
kind of a waste.

Come on. Take a bite.

(SOFTLY) Just take a bite.

- You're really irritating.
- Open.

That's good.

Very good.

DEBBIE: So each year they host

the biggest party
in the world.

And they always get
a huge celebrity to host.

This year, it's Daphne Kluger.

- LOU: Wow!
- (CAMERAS CLICKING)

DEBBIE: Yeah.
But she's not our mark.

LOU: So who's the mark?

All right,
who wants to go first?

Yes.

Do you know
who you're wearing?

Uh, ooh...

La Perla. It's black.

(CHUCKLES)
No, I mean who's dressing you?

DAPHNE: I don't really
know yet.

The designer.

I don't know yet.

But as soon as I do,

you'll be the very first
person that I tell.

Uh, next question?

LOU: All right,
we need a designer.

DEBBIE: Exactly!

LOU: Now a lot of these
we could target.

But Anna won't approve them,

and Anna
has to approve everything.

DEBBIE: I know.

LOU: There's a few
less-established choices,

but they're not gonna
give us the juice we need.

So...

DEBBIE: Rose Weil.
Why do I know that name?

Well, she was big,
in the '90s.

Oh, God, all the Edwardian
collars and the ruffles.

Travesty.
But Anna still likes her.

They do Easter together
every year in Kent.

- Brits?
- Irish.

And she owes the IRS
$5 million.

LOU: It's bad.

There's a lien on her assets,

they've impounded
her passport.

The bank seized her townhouse.

DEBBIE: She sounds amazing.

LOU: Yeah.

I think we got lucky.

She gambled
everything on this.

DEBBIE: This is a flight to
nowhere without any peanuts.

LOU: Self-financed.
Credit from an Omaha bank.

Those guys over there?

The only ones
who'll still loan her money.

- (INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)
- They look a little worried.

LOU: Yeah, who can blame them?
This is a train wreck.

(GAGGING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Congratulations.

Who are you?

Big fans.

- Very big.
- Oh.

LOU: That was...
DEBBIE: Just...

- Gorgeous.
- Mmm-hmm.

No, it wasn't.

It was a disaster.

I think you're being
kind of hard on yourself.

DEBBIE: Very.

Did you read this?

It's by a blogger.

DEBBIE: Mmm.

ROSE: "Rose Weil.

"Her new collection
is like taking a tour

"of your grandmother's closet.

"Just as dated,
and just as musty.

"The Eskimo shove their
elders out on an ice floe.

"Just saying."

That's very cruel.

But it doesn't make it true.

Mmm.

How did I get here?

You spent $18 million
in two years

and had two houseboats
on the Seine.

I'm old.

Hey, you're not old.

(SOBBING) I'm old,
and I'm going to prison.

Then I'm going to be
really, really poor.

Not necessarily.

What if we could
make all this go away?

Even get your passport back.

How?

Dress Daphne Kluger
for the Met Ball.

LOU: Mmm.

Are you mad?

DEBBIE: Mmm-mmm.

ROSE: No, hang on a minute.

Are you journalists?

- Absolutely not.
- God, no.

Uh-uh.

- Hmm. She seems sort of tense.
- Can be.

Good body. Good boobs.
Huge features.

Eyes like Bambi.

Yeah. She can take
quite a lot.

Maybe we could give her...
Maybe...

Maybe we could give her this.

God, no. Not chic.
We can do better than that.

It's called the Toussaint.

Named for Jeanne Toussaint,

Cartier's director of jewelry
from '33 to '68.

It's over six pounds
of diamonds.

Right.

After she died, they sold it
back to Cartier,

and they've kept it
in their vault ever since.

- They've never let it out.
- ROSE: Mmm-hmm.

So then, how are we
gonna get it out?

Well, they might
let it out for her.

The theme of this year's ball

- is European royalty...
- (GASPS)

...of which the crown jewels
are a featured element.

So, if you were to insist
on the Toussaint

on behalf of Daphne Kluger...

(WHISPERS) Must be worth
quite a lot.

DEBBIE: Yeah.

- These are all Russians.
- They're hackers.

Are there no hackers
who aren't Russian?

No, there's barely any
Russians who aren't hackers.

- Just keep looking, please.
- Sure.

(AMITA SPEAKING HINDI)

(AMITA'S MOTHER
SPEAKING HINDI)

(IN ENGLISH) Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Sorry about Danny.

Sorry about your pops.

So, what are you doing here?

I might have
something for you.

A job.

You wanna run some stuff
through the store?

No, thank you.

A little more than that.

How long would it take you

to make
seven pieces of jewelry,

if the stones
were already cut?

Probably five or six hours.

How long if I told you
you didn't have to

live with your mother anymore?

Less.

I'm never taking
the F-train again.

(LOU SHUSHING)

She's in.

DEBBIE: She is in where?

This what you talking about?
Bunch of vases.

LOU: Yeah,
that's the Egyptian wing.

She's in the Met?

Security cameras.

There's a lot of 'em.

My name's Debbie.

- Nine Ball.
- What's your real name?

Eight Ball.

We use real names around here.

Could I talk to you
for a minute?

I asked you
to get me a hacker.

She is one of the best hackers
on the East Coast.

- Oh, I'm honored...
- She has other clients.

They don't know
her real name either.

I'm sorry, "other clients"?

- Now?
- Yeah.

Did you tell her
what her cut was?

- Of course.
- And?

(WHISPERING)
Look. She's smoking!

So, Nine Ball.

Uh, do I call you
Nine Ball? Nine...

Or Baller.

Baller? Okay. Okay.

Uh-oh.

You know your footprint
is a disaster, right?

- I'm sorry, what?
- Your footprint.

- My footprint?
- Yes, ma'am.

If you're planning
to steal shit,

you definitely
got to clean this up,

'cause right now, my
little sister could hack you.

Oh, right.
'Cause we had this guy...

- (BEEPS)
- (POWERING UP)

Gotcha.

We'll clean that up.

- Can I ask where we're going?
- You'll see in a minute.

Right, we're going to meet

- Doris Kluger...
- Daphne.

- Daphne.
- Someone even more famous.

LOU: Someone who makes
Daphne Kluger jealous.

ROSE: Jealous?
LOU: Hmm.

DEBBIE: In a minute,
we're gonna stand up.

She's gonna sit down.

You'll recognize her.
Just be cool.

- LOU: Aloof.
- But kind.

- But not too kind.
- Yeah.

You're sweating.

- Yeah, look, I sweat.
- Don't.

On her left hand is a tattoo.

I want you to take it,
admire it,

but make physical contact,
and that's when we'll get it.

"It"? What's "it"?

(NECK CRACKING)

Hi. Wow.

Oh, I know you!

Yes, I know you. I've seen
you. I've seen you in things.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- No, you're good.
- Oh, thank you.

- You're really good. Yeah.
- Thank you.

Well, I just really wanted
to say, "Thank you."

Thank you?

For helping us with
the feline rescue project.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

DAPHNE: Penelope Stern?

Is she even old enough
to go to the Met Ball?

- (SCOFFS)
- Apparently.

Who cares
who's dressing her anyway?

Uh, I think Page Six.

I never met with Rose Weil.
You said I met with everybody.

- You said she was a relic.
- I meant iconic.

Do you want me
to set up a meeting?

(MIMICS MOCKINGLY)

- Yes!
- Okay.

ROSE: I watched
one of her films last night.

She's actually really good.

LOU: Whatever you do,
don't fawn.

DEBBIE: Just ignore her.

LOU: Indifference,
it's an aphrodisiac.

DEBBIE: Very little
eye contact.

- Rose.
- Oh.

- Daphne. Miss Kluger.
- Finally. (CHUCKLES)

So, thank you so much
for meeting me so last minute.

I am such an admirer of yours.
I have so many of your pieces.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, this search...
It has not been easy.

And everything we've seen,

- you know, it's been great.
- ROSE: Mmm-hmm.

DAPHNE: But it's been tired

and you seem different.

You know, like
you're immune to judgment.

Like you're above all that.

I'm sorry, what?

What is going on?

Uh...

- Oh, sorry.
- (PLATE CLANGS)

Um, what were you saying?

I'm trying to hire you
for the Met Ball.

Great. Thank you. My honor.

Flattered.

Wait till you see.

This girl has some of the best
hands I've ever seen.

Is this one sane?

Hundred percent.

All right, here's how
we're playing.

Red is money, okay?

Really? Three-card Monte?

Follow the Queen,
live your dream.

But don't sleep. Don't sleep.

'Cause she might disappear,
you saw that?

It's lit, right?

She came back, though.
She likes you.

All right, let's hit it.
And we're following the Queen.

And we're following the Queen.

Is this our only choice?

The turnover
in pickpockets is huge.

Where she at?
Where that bitch at?

Where she at?

That one.

Wanna call a lifeline
on that one?

- No. That one.
- (TAPPING)

All right. That one is mine.

Come on,
there's no hard feelings.

And you're a real one, you
know? You know what I mean?

Yeah, come back any time.

- Not bad.
- Yeah. I thought so.

- Turkey and provolone, please.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

So, I'm lifting one necklace.

LOU:
It's a very nice necklace.

CONSTANCE:
Uh, lettuce and tomato.

- And this is legit, the money?
- Hundred percent.

- Okay, I'm in.
- Great.

Uh, can I get
my watch back, please?

Thank you. And hers as well.

No, I...

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

DEBBIE: Who do we have,
who do we have?

- What about Ivy?
- No, still in jail.

- Really?
- What about him?

- Well, he's a him.
- So?

Don't want a him.

Because it's a him
or because it's a "him"?

No, he's not a "him."

- I barely know the guy.
- What's wrong with a him?

A him gets noticed,
a her gets ignored,

and for once,
we wanna be ignored.

What about Tammy?

- (DOG BARKING)
- (BALL BOUNCING LOUDLY)

Hey, buddy,

can you do me a favor?
Can you take that outside?

(LOUD BOUNCING CONTINUES)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(DOG CONTINUES BARKING)

Debbie, I am with my family.

- I told you...
- I'm outside.

- What?
- I'm in your garage.

(SIGHS)

- (WHISPERS) Deb?
- DEBBIE: Hmm?

Deb, what are you doing here?
I thought you were in jail.

Mmm. I got out.

Look at all this.
Thought you retired?

I did.

Not as exciting
as hijacking trucks

that are smuggling dishwashers
from Canada, right?

Yeah, well,
I don't do that anymore.

But you were
so very good at it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

So these are all
for personal use, right?

- What do you want?
- Just wanna reconnect.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Reconnect?
- Mmm-hmm.

You're not bored out here,
are you, Tam-Tam?

No, I'm not bored
out here at all.

- Good, good.
- No.

- Why would you ask that?
- Because I need a fence.

Well, I told you I don't do
that anymore. I'm out.

- It's a big job.
- I don't care.

Do you want me to tell you
how big a job it is?

No. No, I really don't.

I think I'm gonna tell you
how big the job is.

(INAUDIBLE)

- Are you kidding?
- No.

- Mommy, when's dinner ready?
- (GASPS) Shit!

Uh, sweetheart,
I will be right there.

I'm so sorry.
Mommy will be right there.

- But I'm hungry!
- (INAUDIBLE)

I know, sweetheart, I promise,
I will be right there.

- (WHISPERING) Thanks a lot.
- She sounds sweet.

(TAMMY SIGHS)

How do you explain all this
to your husband?

eBay.

LOU: Okay, everybody.
Let's get started.

We would like
to present to you all

with a hypothetical situation.

- How hypothetical?
- Not very, unless we screw up.

$16.5 million in each of
your bank accounts,

- five weeks from now.
- (ALL GASP)

(NINE BALL WHISTLES)

In three and a half weeks,

the Met will be
hosting its annual ball,

celebrating
its new costume exhibit,

and we are going to rob it.

Not the ball itself,

but a very important
set of diamonds

that will be
attending the ball.

On the neck of Daphne Kluger.

Who Rose will be dressing.

- The Toussaint?
- DEBBIE: Very good.

Once Daphne
is inadvertently onboard,

we can then get the necklace
out of the Cartier vault,

hack the Met security system,
thank you, Nine Ball,

and infiltrate the Gala,

considered to be
one of the most exclusive...

The most exclusive.

The most exclusive
party invitation in America.

So go home,
get your affairs in order,

because tomorrow,
we begin pulling off

one of the biggest
jewelry heists in history.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the big city.

- How long?
- Uh, not too long, I promise.

I'll be back
before you know it.

What are you gonna do?

I am going to help my friend
Debbie with her job.

What kind of job?

- It's complicated.
- Can I come with you?

No, sweetie, this is Mommy's
very special work trip.

DEBBIE: It is my account,
it is my money,

and the only reason
I can't access it

is because I cannot remember
the make and model

of my second cousin's
first car.

So if you could just...
(INHALES DEEPLY)

I don't wanna
make a withdrawal,

I would like
to make a deposit.

Yes, I...

- Hey, can I...
- (SHUSHING)

Exactly, yes. Yes, I'll hold.
What's up?

Oh, hey, I was wondering
if I can get a MetroCard,

'cause I'm skateboarding in
from Queens every day.

Can I get a MetroCard?

(STAMMERS)
I don't have a MetroCard.

You don't have a MetroCard?

I don't have a MetroCard.

What are you, a tourist?

(CHUCKLES)

You're fascinating.

You're gonna just
throw me one dub

for a MetroCard? That's it?

How about this?
We steal $50 million,

I'll buy everybody MetroCards.
How's that?

Okay.

- Is that your brother?
- Mmm-hmm.

- He's hot.
- Mmm.

CONSTANCE: You sure
he's dead or...

DEBBIE: No.

Yes, sweetie,
Mommy is in her new job now.

Charlie,
will you do me a favor?

Can you put that right there?

What, sweetheart?

Um, uh, well...

Mommy finds very special toys,

and then she finds
new homes for them.

Yes, exactly like your turtle.
That is exactly right.

(WHISPERING) Thank you so
much, Charlie, thank you.

Sweetheart, I have to go.

I just got a brand new
toy for Debbie,

and I can't wait
to play with it.

(WHIRRING)

(POWERING DOWN)

Zirconium.

- I like it.
- Yeah, I bet you do.

Unhand the man.

Thank you very much.

Here are your
very special glasses.

If Rose can pull this off,
and that is a very big "if",

these glasses
will scan the real necklace

and send a digital print
back to us here.

Once we have that,

this thing will print

a replica
of the necklace in zirconium.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

- (WHISPERING) Where is it?
- These are not the Toussaint.

We thought you might
want to see these first.

Right. What for?

There are certain logistical
problems with that necklace.

We wouldn't even know
how to insure it.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

All right.

(WHISPERING) "We were
very clear on the phone."

Yes. We were
very clear on the phone.

We are only interested
in the Toussaint.

Yeah.

Well, then, that would have to
be a much longer discussion.

That necklace is valued at
over $150 million.

Well, I'm not really
a numbers person.

It would require
its own security team,

a new insurance policy.

I'm sure you'll work out
all those details.

(SCOFFS) Oh,
it's not that simple.

I'm afraid the answer is no.

No?

No.

Look, can I be frank?

I have always loved Cartier.

I think, historically,
this has been

the most significant
house in the world.

But there is whole generation
out there

who mispronounce your name.

French can be difficult.

(ROSE SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oui.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(AMITA INHALES SHARPLY)

Stop it. Stop,

- that doesn't help. Stop.
- Okay, all right. All right.

Mmm.

(COUGHS)

We're too far underground.
Can't get a signal.

Very secure down here, huh?

Five feet of solid concrete.

You said you wanted
to see it in the light.

You wanted to see
the necklace in the light.

Right!

This is light.

No, no, no, she means real
light. Natural light, yes.

The red carpet happens
while the sun is still out.

Yes, no,

- I'm afraid that's vital.
- It's vital.

Mmm. No, I must have the sun.

She must have the sun.

- How is this light, Ms. Weil?
- Um...

Yes, I think,
yes, we have the sun.

Much better.

Mmm.

- There it is!
- All right.

Hello, sexy.

TAMMY: Come on, come on.

Ms. Weil. Is she okay?

- She's fine.
- ROSE: Hmm.

She needs to take it in.

This is her process.

TAMMY: It looks really good.

- It's so clear.
- Yeah.

Come on.

No, okay. You gotta...

No. Yep.

- If you are done, Ms. Weil...
- (SHUSHES)

- ...we'd like to...
- (GASPS)

...return this to the vault.

Ms. Weil?

Ms. Weil.

- ALL: Yes!
- (ALL WHOOPING)

I'm done.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Sweet.

Mmm-hmm.

(ROSE GASPS)

Oh, my God!

- Well?
- I don't know.

Well, you don't know
because this is only a muslin.

It's going to be pink,
for a start.

I know it's going to be pink,
but I don't know.

Yeah, I feel like
it's the waist.

I feel, like, it's just...
And then the bottom.

I don't know about the bottom.

ROSE: We can definitely
change the hem.

- It's the necklace.
- Oh, no.

- It's not the necklace.
- It is the necklace.

It's just messy.

No, no, no, it's not messy.

It's messy
'cause it's safety pins.

No, you must remember
the diamonds.

- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- It's gonna be diamonds.

(HYPERVENTILATING)
I just feel like I look huge.

Hey, Daphne, come here.
Come here. Come here.

Listen, deep breath...
Deep breath.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Listen, look.

You've got one of the greatest
necks in the world.

In fact, you've got
the only neck

that could carry
this necklace off.

(STAMMERING) With your neck,
this necklace...

You are gonna walk
into that Met Gala,

and you are gonna
light up the sky.

Thank you. (INHALES DEEPLY)

- You're welcome.
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)

If you like him,
you go right,

and if you don't...

- I go left.
- Yeah, you go left.

- So...
- Okay, that sounds easy.

- So do you like him?
- Ooh. I like him a lot.

Okay, why?

AMITA: He looks kind.

I'm gonna swipe right.

CONSTANCE: Okay. All right.
AMITA: Oh, my God!

So does that mean...

CONSTANCE: He liked you back!
He likes you, too!

What happens now?
What happens now?

- So you can message him.
- Okay.

And you can say, maybe,
like, the eggplant emoji,

or maybe the girl
that does this.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHING)

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Excuse me.

Can you help me
with something?

I think I'm a little lost.

Of course, ma'am.

I feel like
I'm going in circles.

I came from Egypt
back there,

and I'm trying to get
to Oceana.

It's a little confusing.

You can go down the stairs
to your right,

or you can go back
where you came from,

- right down there.
- Okay.

It might take
a little bit longer.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

REPORTER 1: (ON RADIO) Here's
one for your morning commute.

Last night,
political artist Banksy

made a surprise contribution
to the Met.

REPORTER 2:
Our founding mothers

appeared at the Met
last night.

REPORTER 3: Traffic at 15
after the hour.

REPORTER 4:
Your news, all the time.

DAVID: This is a major
security breach.

How is this even possible?

He did it at the Tate, too.

So you're saying

the system your company
designed for our museum

does nothing to prevent
someone like Banksy...

Sir, we're a little
more focused

on keeping things in
than keeping things out.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey! How about an "Excuse me"?

DAVID: Correct me
if I'm wrong.

You and your company
are responsible

for monitoring
and safeguarding...

Hey, want me to get the trash?

What? No.

You sure? 'Cause you got
a lot here, buddy.

Fine. Just hurry it up.

DAVID: The museum's agreement

with your father's company
is very...

- Generous.
- Specific.

Have a nice night.

DAVID: The board expects
McCallister Security

to live up to the letter
of that agreement.

KYLE: (ON EARPIECE) We'll do
a full audit of the system

and update any part of it
that needs to be changed.

DAVID: What does that mean?

KYLE: We'll go in and fix it.
DAVID: When?

KYLE: Immediately.

DEBBIE: So, now that
we've gotten them

to make changes
to their system,

we can make changes, too,
and not be detected.

Can you pull up the cameras?

They've got every inch
of this place covered.

But here is not where
we're gonna hit it.

We are gonna do it in a spot
they don't even care about.

Nine Ball.

Now it's a New York State law

that no cameras can be mounted
in a public bathroom.

Apparently,
it's a privacy violation.

Unless you're into that.

LOU: And once we get
the Toussaint,

we are gonna have to
get it out of there

without being detected,

and they're gonna go over

their security footage
with a fine-tooth comb,

and anyone seen exiting
that bathroom

is gonna be a suspect.

So...

So we get a mule.

Somebody else
is gonna move it for us.

How much space
do you need outside

that bathroom
to plant it on somebody?

I don't know. Nine feet?

And how long
is it gonna take us

to build
a nine-foot blind spot?

- Moving a camera?
- Mmm-hmm.

Bit by bit, 10, 12 days.

DEBBIE: Great.

How long did it take you
to figure all this out?

Mmm...

Five years, eight months,
and 12 days.

Give or take.

TAMMY: Cartier has hired

the best private security
in the world.

Guillermo DeVita

led the pope's security
for 10 years.

And as you know,
they've never lost a pope.

- DEBBIE: Mmm.
- Yuri Eshel, former Mossad

and IDF Special Forces,
elite commando unit.

I'm pretty sure
they're assassins.

- Well, it's a nice necklace.
- Yeah.

So you can go ahead and just
add them to your list.

- What list?
- That list.

It's not a list.

Okay. Who is he?

Hey, boo.

Oh, Paul.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

- (GASPS)
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

You poor thing.

(CHUCKLING)

Look at that.

(GASPS)

Oh!

KYLE: We don't even know
if it is Banksy.

It could be an imitator.

That's all you got?

Sweet!

RECEPTIONIST:
Good afternoon. Vogue.

EADDY: Thank you for coming in
so last minute.

TAMMY: Oh, of course.
Thank you for having me.

I guess you heard, we lost
one of our coordinators.

Yes, and that sounded awful.

Chiggers.

I know.

- What are those anyway?
- It's like a mite, I think.

It burrows into the skin
and lays its eggs inside.

And then they hatch
and they dig their way out.

Apparently, it can last
for weeks.

Well, you certainly
seem qualified.

Thank you.

Maybe overqualified.

Well, how can anyone
be overqualified?

This is the Met Gala
after all.

Gala. Met Gala.

- It's Gala.
- Gala.

Is it Gala?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

TENNIS COMMENTATOR: (ON VIDEO)
Roger Federer again

one game away
from another championship.

The love for Federer in
this place is just incredible.

Anna.

Uh, yeah?

You have that interview
for the Met staff position.

- Do it, do it.
- Okay.

TENNIS COMMENTATOR:
You cannot be serious!

A backhand down-the-line win!

We're really short
on desk space,

so you'll be down here.

This way.

- Okay, so here is your desk.
- Thank you.

And Christina
will get you started.

Great. Thank you so much.

- Have a good day!
- Thanks!

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Was that the bathroom
that we passed?

Oh, yes, just down the hall.

Thank you.

AMITA: This is unbelievable.

CONSTANCE: That's Leo?

Leo-Leo?

(WHISPERS)
There's only one Leo.

Oh, my God! Taylor Swift!

You're so white!

Can't we just go to this?
Do we have to steal stuff?

DEBBIE AND LOU: Yes!

- Where is she?
- Table four, 10:00.

Straightest shot
to the bathroom

without putting her
in Siberia.

There's a blank spot
next to her.

It's for her date.

Who's her date?

I don't know.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hi.
- Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I've got
the final guest list

for the Chairman's Dinner.

Oh, great.

You have
all their arrival times?

All their arrival times,

including a few additional
names at the bottom.

(CHUCKLES) Claude Becker?

TAMMY: His publicist
was into it.

I barely had to ask.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello.

They put me next to you.

Oh, lucky me.

Hello.

Claude Becker.

Daphne Kluger.

(CONVERSING IN FRENCH)

(DAPHNE CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(WHISPERS) The ego has landed.

How did you ever fall
for this schmuck?

Seriously?

Lou and I were going through
a rough patch,

and I really wanted
a big score of my own.

So he roped you in?

Mmm. Not really.

- What, told you the truth?
- (GRUNTS)

Only way to con a con, right?

BINGO MASTER: B1.

DEBBIE: Lou and I were
rigging Bingo

and running cheap cons
at Roulette.

Lucky if we made $1,000
a night.

- Bingo!
- ANNOUNCER: Bingo call.

DEBBIE: So a friend of mine
set me up with this art dealer

and we worked out
a simple little hustle.

- Claude Becker?
- Right through there.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Debbie.

- Claude Becker.
- Oh.

When somebody
got interested in a piece,

I'd pose as another buyer
and drive up the price.

Money was good and he was
great in the kitchen.

Oh, my God, it's so good.

One day

he asked me to pose
as the seller, not the buyer.

What did you do?

(SIGHS) Well...

One signature,
half a million dollars.

DEBBIE: He said it was simple.

I'd hand them the documents,
and they'd slide me a check.

The whole thing would take
a couple minutes, tops.

Sorry we're late.

MAN: Not at all.
WOMAN: It's okay.

MAN: Very nice to meet you.
WOMAN: It's a pleasure.

- It's a beautiful piece.
- Oh, we just love it!

DEBBIE: He was right.
It all happened very quickly.

MAN: You have a right
to an attorney.

If you cannot afford
an attorney...

CLAUDE: It wasn't my painting.
She brought the picture to me.

She had documentation,
signatures.

And you two were dating?

What?

Not saying a word.

DETECTIVE MORRIS:
Are you sure?

'Cause he's not being quite
as tight-lipped as you are.

Are these your signatures?

Yeah, I will testify.

I was defrauded too, right?

I'll be right outside.

(DOOR CLOSES)

LOU: Hey!

We need to talk.

You better tell me this is not
what I think this is.

- What?
- (EXHALES)

Claude Becker.

I didn't do that.

I'm not a croupier, okay?

Or a tourist with
a bucket of quarters.

Don't con me.

You do not run a job in a job!

It's not going to matter.

We are going to get caught.

Stop it. We're not.

Why do you do this?

Why can't you just do a job?

Why does there always
have to be an asterisk?

You frame him, I walk.

Stop.

This is just like last time.

DEBBIE: Lou. Lou!

Lou.

He sent me to jail!

You have no idea
what that's like.

Yeah, well,
he's gonna do it again.

No, he's not.

He's not.

Good. Switching cameras.

Walking towards the bathroom.

Okay, in the blind spot.

I'm gonna keep walking.

NINE BALL: Nothin'.

Nothin'.

Okay, you're right there.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

DEBBIE: 12 feet. Nice job!

Thank you, Nine Ball.

That easy. Don't mention it.

What's hard?

- Hey.
- Oh, hi!

Sorry, listen,
I know this really

isn't any of my business...

No, go ahead.

It's just
a little red flag here.

But this caterer doesn't have
a nutritional specialist.

- Okay.
- And we're running

at 20% special meals.

Vegan, gluten-free,
low sodium, lactose.

I had a client get sued.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't think we should wing
any of this stuff.

I think we are short
a staff person.

We need a nutritionist.

- I do know someone.
- EADDY: You do?

TAMMY: Yeah, and she's great.

She just moved here
from Australia.

DEBBIE: Yes.

CONSTANCE: Okay. Go.

DEBBIE:
Vendor, hallway, hallway.

Past the auditorium.

Hallway, hallway,
hallway, entry.

Hi, hi! I'm so sorry I'm late.
Traffic was horrible.

Okay...

- Amita.
- Thank you.

Constance.

Nine Ball.

And Lou.

And Rose.

Thank you.

- And Debbie.
- Thank you.

(EXHALES)

Hi, I'm Daphne Kluger,

and this is your sneak peek of
this year's Costume Institute.

This is Dolce
and that's Galliano for Dior.

- And that is McQueen.
- Wow.

And who's
dressing you tomorrow?

Mmm. Rose Weil.

- Interesting.
- I know.

I kind of thought
it was an unexpected choice.

PAMELA:
What's this over here?

DAPHNE: So these are
the crown jewels

from eight royal families
of Europe.

Which is probably why
there's a moat.

- So we can't go over there?
- No. God, no.

I wish we could. Anyway...

Uh, they are on loan to us
from Dmitri

Very-Long-Russian-Last-Name
that I can't pronounce.

We hear those aren't
the only jewels

that'll be on display.

- Who told you?
- I have sources.

(LAUGHS) Well, since the cat's
already out of the bag...

Yes, I will be wearing
a necklace

that Cartier has decided
to loan me.

It's called the Toussaint,

and it has been in a vault
for 50 years.

And I'm (CLICKS TONGUE)
just a little excited.

- Have you tried it on already?
- Maybe.

- How many carats is it?
- Enough.

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

- Lipstick. What do you think?
- Oh.

Pink. Um, yeah. Barbie.

In a good way.

Thank you.

- It's here.
- Right. Finally. Great.

All right.

- Oh, you haven't seen it.
- No. (CHUCKLES)

- Hello.
- Hello.

DAPHNE: Ooh. That's a big box.

ROSE: All right.

Holy crap!

Should we, uh...

Let's try it on.
See if it fits.

DAPHNE: Okay.

- Can I, uh...
- Sure.

(CHUCKLES) Wow. That's heavy.

Really heavy.

Come to mama.

All right.
It might be a little...

Just a tad cold. Right.

(SHUDDERS) Ooh!

- Oh.
- All right. Okay.

- Oh, wow.
- Let me see. Right.

That goes in.

Look at you.

Yep. There.

- It fits.
- Oh.

All right.

It fits.

Right, okay.

We can get it off,
and then we can try the frock.

- Okay.
- Um... Hang on.

YURI: Oh!

Sorry, you cannot do it.
I have to do it.

It requires a special magnet.

- What?
- DAPHNE: Cool.

- Uh, special magnet?
- YURI: Yes.

(CLICKS)

- ROSE: Oh.
- That's cool.

That's brilliant. Brilliant.

Amazing.

Um...

Can I just see that again,
out of interest?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

That's amazing.

Great. Let me just see.
So how does it work?

TAMMY: Hilda Schneider,
fashion reporter, Der Spiegel.

DEBBIE: No.

Hilda Schneider,
diplomatic attache?

No.

- Lufthansa asset?
- Lufthansa.

LOU: Problem.

- DEBBIE: With?
- From Rose.

TAMMY: Oh, God.

Come on!

ROSE: Oh, my God,
that is amazing.

And you can only do it
with a magnet?

YURI: Only the magnet.
ROSE: Let me just see...

Stop. Play it again.

ROSE: Oh, my God,
that is amazing.

And you can only do it
with a magnet?

- YURI: Only the magnet.
- Zoom in a little bit.

(WOMEN SIGHING IN ANNOYANCE)

(NINE BALL TAPPING NAILS
ON DESK)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What, Leslie? I'm busy.

Leslie?

Hey, sis, we're in a bit of
a jam right now,

and I need your help.

So it seems like they used
poly-magnets and a spring.

It gives you attraction
and repulsion

in the same axis, you know?

- Not really.
- Well, they're drawn together.

But don't touch,
until you rotate it,

and then they lock.

It's real dope.
I'll go get you a positive

and a negative pole in a loop.
That oughta work fine.

You're a little genius, sis.
Thank you.

Really? She fixed it?

Really?
You just asked me that?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Okay, you guys. Sound check.

- Nine Ball.
- Check.

- Debbie.
- Check.

- Constance.
- Yeah.

- Amita.
- Yep.

- Lou.
- Check.

That shit was hectic.
Got chased by a cop!

Okay, so this is my sister,
everyone, Veronica.

(WHISPERS)
Check this out. Crazy.

Tight. All right. I owe you
one, you little shit.

Just get me a new ID.

Go home.

What do your parents do?

DEBBIE: Okay, we are up.
Is everybody on?

TAMMY: Yes.
LOU: Mmm-hmm.

All right, ladies.
Half an hour.

Countdown starting now.

(EXHALES) Okay. First.
No need to be nervous.

The food is better
on the inside

than most people think

and even solitary
can be kind of peaceful.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I just wanna say, thank you.

The last three weeks
have been amazing for me,

and we've all worked very hard
for this moment.

So whatever happens tonight,

I want you to remember
one thing,

you are not doing this for me.

You are not doing this
for you.

Somewhere out there is
an eight-year-old girl

lying in bed,
dreaming of being a criminal.

Let's do this for her.

Do not engage
in informal conversation

with the guests, please.

Do not have your cell phone
on you.

Please make sure
your cell phone is turned in

to security prior to the start
of the event.

Very important.

Do not slouch,
cross your arms,

put your hands
in your pockets.

I know it's gonna be
a long night.

I know you're gonna get tired.

- (PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING)
- (CAMERAS CLICKING)

- Hello.
- Hello. How are you?

Edward, so good to see you.
Claude Becker.

- Pleasure.
- And, of course, Rose Weil.

- You two know each other?
- BOTH: Yes.

My dear,
is that the Toussaint?

I'd say
you look like a million bucks,

but it's more like
100 million.

Thank you, it's a 150 million
actually. (CHUCKLING)

What inspired you
for tonight's look?

Her.

EDWARD: Unreal. So what makes
this such a fun night?

COMMON: I mean, you never know
who you're gonna see.

It's stars
from all over the planet.

Meeting actors, people in
the fashion industry.

EDWARD: So coming up next,
we have Serena Williams.

- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?

I'm good, thank you.

So you've conquered the court,
you've conquered motherhood...

- I'm trying. (LAUGHS)
- I mean, you are succeeding.

Sorry, we're a little
backed up today. Your name?

Uh, Hilda Schneider.

Oh, here it is.
Have a good night.

(ALL SPEAKING GERMAN)

PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Here, Heidi! Heidi!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yes. Ready for tonight?

- Hi, how are you?
- Nice to see you! Fantastic.

Ready to sit.

- Hot sauce?
- Hot sauce.

(INAUDIBLE)

- You good?
- Yeah. I'll see you soon?

- (BANGING)
- Hey, no, we're closed.

We're closed.

Come on, dude.
It's right there.

(WHIRRING)

TAMMY: (SOFTLY)
Yeah, I got her.

Yeah, I see her.

We're a go.

Hi, everybody.

- MAN: Hi.
- How are you?

Hi. Good to see you.

It's so good to see you.
You look amazing.

- You too. Cheers.
- Oh, yeah, cheers.

No, no, these are real.

Thank you very much.
So kind of you.

Okay, counting down.

Three, two, one.

Need a gluten-free

and a broiled fish
for Table Eight.

Where's the vegan
for Table Four?

WOMAN: Over here.

Go, go, go.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, God!

(SIGHS)

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I'm so hungry.

Mmm. I haven't eaten anything
in three days.

I'm sorry.

Mmm.

Am I being rude?

She's in deep.

Maybe half a bowl.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

DAPHNE: So,
you're supposed to curtsy.

They actually have a guy there
to teach you how to curtsy.

Yes, that's true.

Anyway, I go in, I'm doing
this little knee bend.

And the Queen glares at me

and says,
"That's not a curtsy."

Really?

So now,
I am in a curtsy standoff

with the Queen of England.

And...

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Do you need to go
to the bathroom?

- No! I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

I'm at this curtsy standoff
with Queen...

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

- And she's...
- Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just give me
one second,

hold on.
I just need to get this...

- (RETCHES)
- CLAUDE: You all right?

Game on!

(VOMITS)

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

- Excuse me, we need to...
- (CONTINUES SPEAKING GERMAN)

(GASPING)

That's good.

Okay, you're right on
the edge of the blind spot.

(DAPHNE GROANING)

Hey, you all right?

You good? Oh, you poor thing.

It's okay. You'll be okay.
Breathe, breathe...

Breathe... Breathe...

- (CLICKS)
- Breathe.

(VOMITS)

Okay, ten seconds.

Here we go.

Hey, come here.

This can't be here.
You need to

get this into the kitchen
right away.

- No problem.
- Okay, go. Go, go.

Coming at you, Deb.

Okay, here he comes.

Oh.

NINE BALL:
Okay, my mule is out.

All my ladies
still in the dark.

- Dude. Dude.
- Yo.

- You have it?
- Have what?

Oh, I smoked it.

What do you mean, "smoked it"?

You know, Josh asked,

and he was like,
"Hey, do you have..."

Guys, where is he?
What's wrong?

What's happening?

Stalled in the hallway.
Chitchattin'.

DEBBIE: Tammy, you got to
get him moving now.

I'm putting the soup down,
I'm like...

Hey! Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing?

You're not getting paid
to talk.

- Let's go, come on.
- Yeah, sorry.

AMITA: Here, I'll take those.
I'll take those.

Thanks.

Bathroom break.
Bathroom break!

That was intense.

What?

I don't know. It could've
fallen off in there.

It could've fallen off
back there. I'm not sure.

I was just barfing
my guts out.

I was back at the table
the whole time.

Seal the exits.

What? No.
Do we have to make

such a big deal about this?
Come on.

- You better lock it up.
- Oh, come on!

- We need to clear the room.
- You can't do that.

We need to do a full sweep.

We can't.

Do you know who's here?

You just lost $150 million.

What would you do if it was
a Rembrandt missing, hmm?

Dinner will resume shortly,
I promise!

Thank you so much
for your understanding.

Just walk towards the stairs.

Sealin' the exits.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Gentlemen, we're working
in teams of two.

We start at the perimeter
and work our way in.

Once you've been scanned,

please go directly
to the exit.

There will be someone there

that will show you
where to go.

OLIVIA MUNN: Do you know
what's going on here?

An item
seems to have been lost.

They're looking for it now.

- Do you know what they lost?
- Diamonds.

Lots of diamonds.

Diamonds? Really? We're
waiting around for diamonds?

Sir, I really just need to go
to the bathroom.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Okay, shit's blowing up.

Police coming, Cartier coming.

A bunch of news people coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're doing it.

They're about halfway through.

YURI: Was there anything you
did or anyone you talked to

between your table
and the bathroom?

I was rather preoccupied
at the time,

in case you didn't notice.

Amita, there's a guy
in the kitchen.

AMITA: Just give it
a few more minutes.

We don't have a few minutes.

Oh, shit!

He's right there.

DEBBIE: Tammy, how close?
Where are you now?

TAMMY: By the moat.

Tammy, pull it
out of the water.

Just plant it in the water!
Just pull it out, right now!

Found it!

It was in the water.
It must have fallen off

while you were running.

May I?

We got it back.

Okay. I'll come back down.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Constance, you good.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Whoa, sick!

AMITA: Uh-uh.
There's glue, there's glue!

CLAUDE: Feeling better?

I do now.

Couple scotches, please.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Dear God!

Thank you. Oh.

Very nice.

First of all,

I'm not a member
of law enforcement.

I work with
the insurance carrier.

Which means
I'm either looking for fraud

or I'm looking
for the real necklace.

Beyond that,
I couldn't care less.

I'm afraid you won't find
either here.

We'll see about that,
Monsieur...

- Monsieur?
- Delarue-Broussard.

Okay.

Lawrence,
when did you last see

what you believe
to be the authentic item?

When it left here
for the Met Gala.

When did you know
this was a fake?

The moment it was returned.

And you two.

You had your eyes
on the necklace

the entire evening?

Apart from when
Miss Kluger had her

unfortunate incident
in the public toilet.

That's correct.

Did you accompany her inside?

It's a women's bathroom.

It's a very big necklace.

There is only one entrance
in and out.

We were stationed at the door.

Did you check the plumbing?

- No.
- I did.

Okay, keep going forward.

Squeaky clean, so to speak.

(SIGHS)

Whoever stole this necklace

managed to get out
without being detected.

Which means we're looking
for someone very smart.

Gentlemen.

I've seen
a thoroughbred racehorse

thrown into a tree shredder.

People will go
to great lengths

to defraud
an insurance carrier.

There! What's this?

I'm saying
that's not a blind spot.

- What do you call that then?
- The bathroom.

I don't see a bathroom.

That's...

Because it's
in the blind spot.

(SIGHS) What can someone steal
from a bathroom anyway?

I don't know, toiletries,

mints, hand towels,

a six-pound diamond necklace,
apparently.

Now, who's this?

A busboy?

Do you know him?

How would I know a busboy?

Aren't we posh?

I don't know everyone who goes
in and out of the museum.

Why do you care
about a busboy?

He's the only person who moves
in and out of the blind spot

during the period in question.

Could you please
stop calling it a blind spot?

Fine.

The bathroom door
that we can't see

because of your unique
camera placement.

This is the most sophisticated
museum security in the world.

Every piece of art is recorded
from multiple angles.

We just don't happen to
keep art in the bathroom.

I'm not a critic, Kyle.

I'm an insurance investigator.

I didn't wanna do it.

But Eric's all, like,
"Come on!"

I'm, like, "Dude, I don't
do that anymore."

He's, like, "Everyone's out
on the loading dock!"

I know it was really stupid.

I know I'm an asshole,

but it wasn't even my weed.

I'm sorry, what?

It wasn't my weed!
Do you want me

to pee in a cup or something?

No, that won't be necessary.

Are you sure?
I really don't mind.

I'm positive.

They put the necklace on me.

Then I walked the red carpet.

Then I saw the exhibit.

Then I ate my soup.

Then I hurled my guts out.

Then the necklace was gone.

And then
everybody freaked out.

And then they found it again,
I thought.

But, no?

This gentleman.

- Claude Becker.
- Mmm-hmm.

He was my date.

Was there ever a time
you two were alone

while you were wearing
the necklace?

(MOANING)

No.

Anyone present with you
in the bathroom?

My head was in a toilet bowl.

How 'bout after?

A lot of people.

Do you know this woman?

No.

Debbie Ocean,
convicted felon.

Her brother, Danny Ocean,

more convicted felon.

She was present on
the night of the incident.

Did she steal the necklace?

Apparently not, she's
the only one with an alibi.

Smiling at the camera
the entire time.

Ooh. So...

So I have five innocent people
who seem to be suspects,

and someone who should be
a suspect but isn't.

I have cameras

covering every inch
of the museum,

except for the loo,

where $150 million was stolen
from that neck, your neck.

- Interesting case.
- Mmm.

Some days, I love my job.

I love my job, too.

- (FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(TAMMY LAUGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

You guys are fucked.

Nice place.

It must be a bitch to heat.

Excuse me!
You are trespassing.

No. We asked her to come.

TAMMY: You asked her to come?

Oh.

We realized a few days ago
that Miss Kluger...

Was not
a total fricking idiot.

Might have gotten a sense
of what we were doing.

(CLICKS)

You've got one of the greatest
necks in the world.

DAPHNE: First of all,
if there's one thing I know,

it's bad acting.

In fact,
you've got the only neck

that could carry
this necklace off.

DAPHNE: I almost
never throw up.

Even when I'm really wasted.

It was in the water.

It must have fallen off
while you were running.

DAPHNE:
And last but not least,

I never forget a face.

JOHN: Debbie Ocean.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, seems to me,
eight shares of 150 million

is better than seven shares
of nothing, right?

Chilly!

Hi, Daph! Welcome to the team!

Let's not all high-five
at once.

Plus, I am the one
who is saving your asses

- from insurance fraud.
- What?

- Insurance fraud?
- I was gonna get to that.

When?

It seems that they've assigned
an insurance investigator...

Who's about to look up
your ass with a flashlight.

- Who?
- This little Columbo dude,

everything
but the trench coat.

Totally on to you.

His name is John Frazier.

- You know him?
- Yes.

He busted my father twice
and my brother once.

He's family.

ROSE: All right.
Lest we forget,

this entire enterprise
was to keep me out of jail.

Hey. No one's going to jail.

- CONSTANCE: Are you sure?
- We expected this.

We prepared for this.

Yup, that's clear.

We will not be
the prime suspect.

AMITA: Okay, well then
who will be the prime suspect?

There's a few.
We've got the security guys,

we've got the busboys...

The shady guy
who put you away.

Wow! (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) The boyfriend.

DEBBIE: Yup. They were gonna
be looking for somebody.

Just had to make sure
it wasn't one of us.

It's nice.

Thanks.

That is amazing!
The precision...

Right?

It's always
the attention to detail

and the little grace notes

that really make
something sing.

Why are you doing this?

DAPHNE: Uh...

I don't have that many close
female friendships.

And book clubs are the worst.

So I just thought

this could be
something fun to share.

You're becoming a criminal
because you're lonely?

Who isn't sometimes, right?

Are you an only child?

DEBBIE: Midsummer Night's
Dream in Miami?

TAMMY: It's Shakespeare.

She did summer stock
at Williamstown,

plus a bunch of off-Broadway.

What about this one?
She looks good.

Let's see. Regional theater,

but she trained at Juilliard.

It's really
a magnificent piece.

This was your mother's?

Left to me after her passing.

A Swedish prince
gave it to her

in exchange
for her deflowering. (GIGGLES)

Are they worth something?

Yes, they're worth
quite a lot.

"Take these,"
my mother said. "Now, go."

It was moonlight,

and then he said,

"I'd give you every star
in that sky."

I'm sorry. (CRYING)

It must be difficult for you.

- Claude Becker?
- Yeah.

- John Frazier.
- Hi.

SPD Insurance. How are you?

So, Claude...

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Isn't it?

What do you want?

Here are some photographs
of you

with Miss Kluger.

Now, as you can see,
there are many photographs

where your hand
is on the back of her neck.

I don't really remember
where my hands were.

Ah. To be you.

Right?

Problem is,

the necklace has been stolen

and a fake has been put
in its place.

Right now, you're the person

with the greatest
opportunity...

Why would I wanna steal
a necklace?

That's what
I keep asking myself.

Why would this guy,

who's got everything,

two of these...

Why would that guy wanna
steal a necklace?

What was your answer?

Maybe he doesn't have
everything.

I think we're done here.

- Just a theory.
- Really.

- A shot in the dark.
- We're done.

I'm probably wrong.

It's a beautiful piece,
and I want you to have it.

I can't go any lower.
Just hold on one second.

Hello?

Oh, hey.

Hi.

What're you doing right now?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

DEBBIE: Hello, John.

Hello, Debbie.

You look well,
how long's it been?

A few years.
Minus good behavior.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Thank you for calling.
I was gonna call you.

- Yeah, I didn't do it.
- Of course not.

You were just on camera
20 feet away

while the jewels
were being nicked.

It's a coincidence.

No. That's a solid alibi.

What is it? Is it genetic?

Are the whole family
like this?

Except for my aunt Ida.

- Librarian?
- Mmm. Homemaker.

Right, I'm gonna
make this easy for you.

I don't want you.

I just want the necklace.

I don't care.
I'll say I found it in a cab.

How about some of it?

- How much?
- Hypothetically, 10%.

And where's
the hypothetical rest?

Oh, I don't know. Literally.

Oh, God. This is exhausting!

I mean, when they said
come over, I was like... Ugh.

You know, with the jet lag,
the time difference,

Arsenal in the Cup Final
this weekend.

But now I'm here.
It's bloody interesting.

Yeah?

So it's not just profit,
it's revenge.

It's a twofer.

He frames you, you frame him,
scores are settled.

I'm just the courier.

All is right with the world,
it's brilliant.

Just trying to help out
an old friend.

You know, one day, you are
gonna have to let this go?

And one day, I will.

Let's just say,
for argument's sake,

that I do know where there's
a part of that necklace.

Can you get a search warrant?

(SIGHS) I'd need
probable cause.

Well, we may or may not be
working on that right now.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you wanna play a game?

What kind of game?

A card game.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh?

- Uh-huh?
- Yes, yes!

I'll be right back.

- Where are you going?
- (CHUCKLES)

CLAUDE: Wait.

(CHUCKLES)

CLAUDE: Where are you?

I'll be right there.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(GROANS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

You have no idea how this
came to be in your possession?

No.

But you were Ms. Kluger's date

the night
these necklaces were switched.

Yes, I was.

Does that strike you
as a rather large coincidence?

Including a 33.18, D color,
internally flawless diamond...

DETECTIVE: Are you familiar
with a company called

Becker Holdings, LLC?

CLAUDE: Of course.

DETECTIVE: Well, it seems
four sweet old ladies,

who apparently don't exist,

have recently transferred some
very large sums of money

into Becker Holdings, LLC.

Do you know how that might
have happened, Mr. Becker?

I think
I need to talk to my lawyer.

(CHUCKLES) I think you do.

- To our dear friend Carl...
- ALL: Claude.

Claude Becker. May he rest
in peace in prison.

ALL: Cheers.

ROSE: Love you,
love you, love you.

- LOU: Cheers.
- Cheers.

I have a question.

So...

It's good
that he went to jail,

'cause it's great
that we didn't.

But if you only sold
the jewels for 85 million,

how does it work out
that we get 16 apiece?

Do you wanna?

You thought we were just
gonna steal one necklace?

What do you think we are,
a bunch of pussies?

DEBBIE: See, while everyone
was worried

about what was happening
around your neck...

LOU: And you were
hurling your guts out...

Thanks for that, by the way.

It was amazing.

- That was really impressive.
- (ALL AGREEING)

That was really nice,
actually.

DEBBIE: The place
kinda went on lockdown.

LOU: The kitchen
was cleared out, too.

And while everyone
was watching the entrance,

we thought we'd check out
the exhibit.

Because why would you
just steal one necklace,

- when you could steal more?
- (ALL GASP)

- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!

That's a lot.

Yeah.

We didn't just print
the Toussaint from that thing.

We printed a lot of jewels.

AMITA: Felt like I was
working at Kinko's.

LOU: Meanwhile,

I decided to visit
an old friend.

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

Amazon sells
these 20-foot selfie sticks.

All they saw
was a quick, little blur.

(LOU AND YEN SPEAKING
MANDARIN)

DEBBIE: It was a temporary
exhibit and they built

this metal grid
to hang the dresses from.

We just decided to suspend Yen
from that as well.

What if somebody came in?

Oh. Somebody did.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can't
be here. We're clearing

- this whole area.
- (SPEAKING GERMAN)

- GUARD: Ma'am.
- (CONTINUES SPEAKING GERMAN)

Calm down.

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

(IN ENGLISH) We're okay.

DEBBIE: Stealing the necklace
was great,

but without that diversion,

without clearing out
the exhibit...

LOU: We wouldn't have been
able to grab these.

DEBBIE: These,

which bring your cuts to
$38,300,000 each.

- AMITA: Huh?
- Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.
It's so beautiful. (LAUGHS)

Sweetie, I know,
but you can't put gum

in your sister's hair.

I don't care if she tried
to put it in your nose first.

What's up, YouTube?
It's your girl!

Check out my new crib.

I'm on the co-op board.

DAPHNE: Cut!
WOMAN: That's a cut!

- Cut, cut, cut!
- WOMAN: That's a cut!

Resetting back to one.

DAPHNE: Uh, just, you know...
Smoother.

Just a little bit of space,
please. It was perfect.

I just need it faster
and more damaged.

All right? Great.

(WHISPERS) It's not that hard!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

You would've loved it.

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