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1
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,808
So, for the brunch
on Sunday...
Right.
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:11,579
It's going to be you guys, a few
aunts and uncles, your dad,
3
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,381
your brother--
You invited dad?
4
00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:16,184
Yeah, I as chatting with him
on the phone the other day.
5
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,486
It just seemed weird
not to include him.
6
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:19,853
Why would it be weird now?
7
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,255
You've been divorced
for over 30 years.
8
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:22,923
Well, he just broke up
with Padma,
9
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,993
so honestly I think
he's a little lonely.
10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,729
What does your current husband
Leon think about all that?
11
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,864
Oh, Leon's not gonna care.
12
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,733
Leon might care.
13
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:36,437
Jesus!
14
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,705
What the [bleep]?
15
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,373
What is happening?
16
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:40,774
Is that...
17
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,876
Is that guy
stealing chicken?
18
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,378
I don't know--
they seem to have a handle.
19
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,880
Really?
Um, do you think for
the brunch 11 or 11:30?
20
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:47,948
Mom, do you not see
what's happening?
21
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,583
Oh, it's not
that big a deal.
22
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,385
Okay, you know what, there's
a man who just apparently
23
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:54,722
just stole a hot, oily
roast chicken, who was jumped on
24
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,958
from behind and then thrown
forcibly onto the concrete.
25
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:01,262
I think I'm allowed
to comment on it.
26
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,297
Here we go.
27
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,932
"Here we go"?
28
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,234
Seriously?
29
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:09,170
*
30
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:28,889
Excuse me, do you know
where the bathroom is?
31
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:31,759
Is that woman just ignoring
that poor blind guy?
32
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:32,926
People are garbage.
33
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,628
Excuse me.
34
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:36,564
She's a garbage person.
35
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:39,733
I don't know if you heard me,
I'm looking for the bathroom.
36
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,669
Hi, you know what?
37
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,337
I can help you.
Great.
38
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:46,574
Do you want me to grab your arm?
Yes, thank you very much.
39
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:50,144
Of course,
it's not a problem at all.
40
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:56,284
Well, well, well.
You must feel pretty good
about yourself.
41
00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:57,685
Oh, you mean because
I just helped
42
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,019
a blind man
find a bathroom?
43
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,355
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
44
00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:03,291
Hey.
Hi.
45
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,593
We'll just have two
lattes and you got, like,
46
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,694
a blueberry muffin?
47
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,829
Yeah.
Great.
48
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,264
Thank you.
49
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,966
Actually, this is for you, Amy.
Thank you.
50
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,636
Buy yourself something nice.
You're welcome.
51
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:16,870
Thanks.
Thanks, Amy.
52
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:18,472
So that's what
we're doing now?
53
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,842
We're taking my $11 basically
to pay her for flirting?
54
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,711
It's like prostitution.
55
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:24,778
Hey, if it ain't
broke, right?
56
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,113
Oh, prostitution that broke?
57
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,115
No, it's centuries old,
millennia, even.
58
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,618
Just because something's old
does not mean it's not broken.
59
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,553
I don't know, do you have
a way of fixing prostitution?
60
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,154
Pitch it to me.
61
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,323
You know what, at least you're
not looking to land a lady,
62
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,391
so we're good.
Yes, I am.
63
00:02:37,425 --> 00:02:39,360
I'm not talking about
having sex with a lady,
64
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,895
I'm talking about, you know,
settle down with one.
65
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,797
People may bang
aggressive toe exposure,
66
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,466
but they're not
gonna marry it.
67
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,001
You know I want to meet someone
and fall in love and have kids--
68
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,169
all of that stuff.
69
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,504
I've told you that before.
70
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,206
I, I know that you say that,
71
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,141
but I feel like all of
your choices in life
72
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,710
fight against that goal.
Like what?
73
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,646
You sleep until
noon almost every day.
74
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,080
You cut up hot dogs
and put them on your salad.
75
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,482
It's a protein.
76
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:02,883
How's that any different
than putting chicken
77
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,184
or salmon on your salad?
78
00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,019
It's so different!
It's paleo!
79
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:09,257
Well, you recognize porn
strictly from the audio track.
80
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,225
Yeah, that's not rare,
many people can do that.
81
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,160
These are just a couple of
examples of the things
82
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,563
that maybe were cute
and quirky in your 20's,
83
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:18,198
but now are more red flags.
84
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:19,900
I respectfully disagree.
85
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,369
People find it charming.
86
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:24,071
I don't think adult women
find you as charming
87
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,439
as you think they do.
88
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:28,242
And it pains me
to say this, obviously.
89
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,877
I find you very charming.
90
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,179
Oh, well, thank you
for finding me charming.
91
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,347
Who are you looking at?
92
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,948
Oh, just to know who's here.
93
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:37,285
Look-- I know you,
you're a great friend,
94
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,519
you're hilarious,
you're cute.
95
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,388
But as a friend,
I will tell you
96
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:44,558
that women have to get through
quite a lot to get to that.
97
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,227
But, worth it, right?
98
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,228
Hi-ho!
99
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,997
Knock-knock,
who's there, what?
100
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,802
Basically I'm saying is
you're living
101
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,570
"The Shawshank Redemption".
102
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,807
But the reality is most people
don't want to crawl through
103
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,042
a tunnel of shit
to get to Mexico.
104
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,544
What does that mean?
105
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:07,114
Listen, your heart
is like Zihuantanejo,
106
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,551
but your personality
and exterior
107
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,120
are like the shit tunnel a woman
has to go through to get there.
108
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:15,423
Wow, okay, that's like,
maybe the meanest thing
109
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,891
you've ever said to me.
Oh, that can't be true.
110
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,728
But going with this metaphor,
which is kind of crushing it,
111
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,497
jail, for this woman,
is just regular life.
112
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:25,999
She's got free will so it's
not nearly as bad for her
113
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,835
as it was for
Andy Dufresne, so...
114
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,737
Why? Because she's not being
forced to do tax returns
115
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,941
and getting gang raped
by the sisters in the shower?
116
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,909
Exactly.
She can leave at any time.
117
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,945
She can walk out
and just jump on a plane
118
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:40,113
and go to Cabo instead.
119
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,149
Cabo obviously being
any other dude.
120
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,585
Yeah, but everybody
knows Cabo's [bleep] lame,
121
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:49,156
and Zihuantanejo,
pretty rad all the time.
122
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,958
I'm just not convinced
that you're really ready
123
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,326
to settle down.
124
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,994
Okay, but I'm telling you I am.
Okay.
125
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,496
I want to meet someone.
126
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:56,964
Okay, good, but you're
not getting any younger,
127
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,466
your sperm's not
getting any younger,
128
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,701
so we got to lock it down
before the "poo tunnel"
129
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,371
gets so long that
nobody can actually survive
130
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,005
the treacherous landscape.
131
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:06,674
Who's Morgan Freeman
in this situation?
132
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:09,343
I'm Morgan Freeman, I'm leading
you to your happiness
133
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:12,480
and I just led
a blind man to the bathroom.
134
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,681
[sighing]
135
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,652
The part I can't wrap
my head around is
136
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:21,955
was it an impulse steal
or could he legitimately
137
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,323
not afford to buy a chicken?
138
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,192
My instinct is it's
an impulse steal.
139
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:28,996
Right? Me too, I mean,
he was wearing a leather jacket.
140
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,498
I won't even splurge
on a leather jacket.
141
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:31,832
Well, maybe we
shouldn't be spending
142
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,333
so much money on chicken.
143
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,002
Maybe we should be
stealing it so we can afford
144
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,405
a sweet leather "J".
145
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,707
Hey, do we know
any single ladies?
146
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,008
She says apropos of nothing.
147
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,677
Sorry-- any ladies for Kyle?
148
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:44,645
Ladies of the night?
149
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,915
No, I mean, I had
a very interesting
150
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,684
h-to-h with him today.
151
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,185
Heart-to-heart.
152
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:55,022
I think he's actually
ready to meet someone of note.
153
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,189
Really?
154
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,691
Kyle.
I get the skepticism.
155
00:05:57,725 --> 00:06:00,428
I told him I love him,
but he's getting weird
156
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:03,864
and I worry about
his little crusty sperm.
157
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,599
I'll come back.
158
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:10,170
Wait, just-- it's not his, it's
a friend's old, crusty sperm.
159
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,439
Does that make it better?
160
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:14,675
Now she can't put
a face to the sperm.
161
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,545
Okay, do we know
any single people?
162
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,079
What about Shelly?
163
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,514
Who's Shelly?
164
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,750
Miss Shelly,
Amelia's teacher.
165
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,251
I never thought of her
as a "Shelly".
166
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:25,619
I know a bold choice,
but I thought
167
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:27,287
that I really
think this could work.
168
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,790
She's super cute
and she's really nice,
169
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,391
but not boring nice.
170
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:35,395
She's got a good sense of humor
and her body is tight!
171
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:36,897
Please don't ever
do that again.
172
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,099
Tight!
Are you done?
173
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,901
[softly]
Tight.
174
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,536
She's, like an...
Tight.
175
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,539
...angel from heaven above.
I hear you, I mean,
176
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:48,976
especially with Kyle's
crazy-long "shit tunnel".
177
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,411
We might need to get
the check.
178
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:52,913
Listen, if he's really
ready to meet someone,
179
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:56,083
we should introduce him
to someone we really like.
180
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,317
Okay, we'll give it a try.
181
00:06:57,350 --> 00:07:00,253
All right, I'll put
the feelers out.
182
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,889
Wouldn't those be my feelers?
183
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:05,493
These would be your feelers,
because you like the tickles.
184
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,895
It's yours.
Yeah, they appreciate
the attention,
185
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,765
and also, maybe use
a little bit more thumb.
186
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,433
You know what,
the more I think about it...
187
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,102
What?
I think it was planned.
188
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:19,673
Eighty degrees out today--
why wear a leather jacket?
189
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:22,209
I've never been
more attracted to you.
190
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:30,784
[general conversations]
191
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:33,120
Hey, honey.
Dad!
192
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,788
Hi! How are you?
I'm good.
193
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:35,989
You look so nice.
194
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,525
Oh, thank you.
195
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,827
Are you riding
your motorcycle again?
196
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,194
I've always ridden
a motorcycle.
197
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,096
No, you've always
had a motorcycle.
198
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,032
Most of its life
its been spending time
199
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,700
with the NordicTrack
in your garage.
200
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,101
They're very close.
201
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,703
No, it hasn't been that long.
202
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:50,838
Oh, yeah, it has.
203
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,139
And I wanted to tell you,
204
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,542
I heard that you
and Padma broke up.
205
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,443
I'm sure this has
absolutely nothing to do
206
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,378
with you deciding to get
on a motorcycle again,
207
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,614
but I wanted to say
that I'm sorry.
208
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,149
Padma.
Mm-hmm.
209
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,284
Do you want to put your
helmet down, stay a while?
210
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,286
I don't see anyplace
to put it.
211
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,321
Literally any flat surface.
212
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,857
I'll just hang onto it,
I'd feel better.
213
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,358
Mm-hmm.
214
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,960
Dad, you think you look
pretty cool holding that?
215
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,828
Uh, I've been told.
Okay, great.
216
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,229
Where's your mother?
217
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,566
Uh, she's in the kitchen
with Leon, I think.
218
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,568
Okay.
All right.
219
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:21,401
Oh, hi, Martin.
Hey.
220
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,903
How are you?
Good, and you?
221
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:23,904
He's riding
the motorcycle again?
222
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,372
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
223
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,574
Well, the good news is
in a couple of months,
224
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,375
when he runs himself
off the road,
225
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,377
we'll at least get
the vacation home we wanted.
226
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,312
You know, when parents die
they leave you money.
227
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,181
Oh, right.
I don't know if
it's gonna be a home--
228
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,750
it might be like
a vacation house.
229
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,251
So that would be nice, right?
230
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,053
We'll get the motorcycle.
231
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:41,755
[Bleep] you.
That'd be fun.
232
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:45,192
[general conversations]
233
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,027
If Tilda Swinton
is in it, I'm there.
234
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,729
How's it feel to
throw out a sentence
235
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,398
that's never been uttered
by another human being before?
236
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,166
You know what's
an underrated movie?
237
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,735
"Coneheads".
"Coneheads".
238
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,203
Oh, yes, that's right.
239
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,338
You mentioned that before,
Richard, yet again.
240
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,941
But just listen-- the reason
why Tilda is so great--
241
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,776
"Tilda"?
First name base?
242
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:05,178
You never actually really
know if it's her in the movie.
243
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,747
So how do you even know
you're enjoying her?
244
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:10,050
I'm enjoying an actor
losing herself into a character.
245
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,418
I mean, look...
"Lose"?
246
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:13,220
"Grand Budapest Hotel,"
"Trainwreck"--
247
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,122
I mean, she completely
unrecognizable.
248
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,958
Wait a minute-- am I in love
with Tilda Swinton?
249
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,426
Is Tilda Swinton
at this brunch?
250
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,295
David, am I Tilda Swinton?
Be honest.
251
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,564
You can tell me, don't keep it
a secret any longer.
252
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,100
You're the only person
who I know is not Tilda Swinton.
253
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:28,368
How dare you.
254
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,103
She could be Amelia,
she's so good.
255
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,605
Really?
Yeah.
256
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:35,308
Tilda Swinton maybe
came out of my vagines?
257
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:40,313
Um... is my dad touching
our mother right now?
258
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,716
Technically, when one
body part presses up
259
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,417
against another body part,
that is considered touching.
260
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,286
Is it that hard to
just say yes or no?
261
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,790
Are they touching?
262
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,092
Yes.
263
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,426
Oh, sure, hey,
you want to sit here?
264
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,762
Oh, no, no, I'm fine,
Michael.
265
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:58,098
How about right here?
Oh, stop it, Martin.
266
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,167
Actually, Amelia,
you can sit with me,
267
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,501
I'll sit next to Grampy.
268
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,303
Grammy can just
sit over here.
269
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,072
Oh, thank you,
that's nice.
270
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,074
Well, I was gonna switch--
271
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,010
Ooh, you know what, why don't
you go find your cousin, Bugsy?
272
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,311
I want you to try something
273
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,280
because it is
absolutely amazing.
274
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,348
Dad, she made it, she knows
what it tastes like.
275
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:18,185
But this is a very
special bite.
276
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,619
Okay.
277
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,024
That was good.
278
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,793
Well, now, mom,
you're bragging.
279
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:28,195
Shar, we ran out of bagels.
280
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,363
Oh, come on.
You ran out of bagels?
281
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,700
You ran out of bagels?
282
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,702
Uncle Richard had
an extra half.
283
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,537
Leon, this is what happens when
you buy one bagel per person.
284
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,139
It should be more than enough.
285
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,641
I probably have some wheat bread
or something I can put out,
286
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,711
I don't know.
This is ridiculous.
287
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:47,114
Why can't you just
buy enough bagels?
288
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,050
Does Leon look sick to you?
289
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,852
No, why?
No reason.
290
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,656
Oh, hey, good news--
291
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:59,559
my dad apparently wants to make
love with my mom again, so...
292
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,895
I thought your mom was married.
Yeah, happily.
293
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,898
I think my dad is just
hoping Leon is close to death.
294
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,299
Is Leon sick?
Nope.
295
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,835
This is just my dad's
new move.
296
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,037
He, like, harmlessly
flirts with a woman,
297
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,538
then he circles the wagons,
298
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,506
waits until there's
a moment of need--
299
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:16,509
in this case, Leon's
untimely death-- and then...
300
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,145
[whispers]
...there's Martin.
301
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,881
So smart, he's gonna
get such puss.
302
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,515
Yeah, my mom's puss?
Yeah.
303
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:25,052
You know what, my parents
are doing weird shit too.
304
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,487
Like, my dad has started
racecar driving.
305
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,257
Oh.
But then he has
macular degeneration.
306
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,592
That dude's dying ASAP.
307
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,661
Speaking of decrepit
old men who are close to death,
308
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,696
how did your date
with Miss Shelly go?
309
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,766
I assume by your silence
it means you shit the bed.
310
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:39,767
No, the opposite.
311
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,101
It was great,
we had a great time.
312
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,003
Really?
Yeah, I really like her.
313
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,105
Ah, well, well, well.
314
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,340
You know what, I had a feeling
you guys were gonna hit it off.
315
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,076
I think I just,
I just know people.
316
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,745
Really? Because people here
do not like what you're doing.
317
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:54,114
You didn't do anything to
destroy our daughter's future,
did you?
318
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,182
That's a valid question,
actually,
319
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,416
I'd like to know the answer.
320
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,351
No, we had a great night.
Okay.
321
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,754
Yeah, we went out to dinner,
we had drinks.
322
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:02,722
She invited me
back to her place.
323
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,025
She asked me to put ice cubes
up her butt and lick them out.
324
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:08,128
I drove home, I'm gonna
see her again next weekend.
325
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,430
Sorry... what?
326
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,399
Hmm?
Yeah, I'm gonna need you
327
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,967
to just walk me through the
328
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:17,304
"She asked me to put ice cubes
up her butt" part again.
329
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:20,908
Oh-- I thought I just did.
330
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:23,410
How is it that we always end up
talking about buttholes
331
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:24,644
at this poker game?
332
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,914
Because we have
the best poker game.
333
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,148
I have to be honest.
334
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,317
I really like Miss Shelly.
335
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,219
She's smart, she's funny.
Right, yes!
336
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,987
She's cool.
337
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,824
I guess the only weird thing is
she ordered a six dollar bottle
338
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,726
of water to drink at dinner,
but was perfectly fine
339
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,995
with the ice cubes I drank
out of her ass being tap.
340
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,430
"Ass cubes".
341
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,665
No.
Yeah, ass cubes, it's a solid--
342
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,235
It's definitely ass cubes.
How can you make jokes
about this?
343
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,602
This woman, we have to
trust her judgement
344
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,171
with our daughter every day.
345
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,673
How are you going to do drop-off
and watch Amelia walk into
346
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,476
the arms of this woman,
knowing what we know?
347
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:59,679
Mike, come on.
This guy ate ice
out of her butt.
348
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,314
So just because someone
put ice up their butt
349
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:02,850
you don't trust
their judgement?
350
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,018
We have to assume she's been
putting ice up her butt
351
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,686
for years and she's
been a great teacher,
352
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,421
she's not going to
change that now.
353
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,857
If you're young and hot
and you live in LA,
354
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,859
you're shoving ice
up your butt or more.
355
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,862
Come on.
I genuinely don't
have a problem with it.
356
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,363
Neither do I.
357
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:17,831
I mean, if I'm really
going to be honest,
358
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,100
I think I'm a little jealous
of Miss Shelly.
359
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,170
What?
AT 25 she knew to even ask
360
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:24,704
to put ice up her butt.
361
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:28,041
When I was 25--
No, she didn't ask, she ordered.
362
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:31,644
See? I mean, I'm a grown woman,
and I don't even know
363
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,213
if I like ice up my butt.
364
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,547
How bad is that?
365
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,716
Do you... want to try that?
366
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,451
I'd like to know the answer
to that as well.
367
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,153
I want to be the person
who says yes, but no,
368
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,889
I don't like a chill.
369
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:44,457
Mike, I can tell you're nervous,
but you don't need to be.
370
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,793
Like, I'm very into
this girl, but seriously.
371
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,462
This is the most I've ever
heard you say that before.
372
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,398
By the way, I found you your
dream girl, you're welcome.
373
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,533
You did! I thank you,
I truly thank you.
374
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:55,802
This is-- I'm, like,
excited to see her again.
375
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,537
Like, I want to talk to her
again, I want to...
376
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,574
Ooh... have kids
with this person.
377
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:02,910
Wow.
378
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,211
Don't act like you don't
want kids, you do want kids.
379
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:05,879
No, no, no, I do--
380
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,247
this is the first
person I can genuinely
381
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,581
see myself having kids with.
382
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,583
Listen, we knew
after one date, right?
383
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:14,221
Yeah.
I mean, you could be with
Miss Shelly forever.
384
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,424
Can we please
just call her Shelly?
385
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,392
[kids playing]
386
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,729
Doesn't daddy usually
drop off on Wednesdays?
387
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:25,999
Yeah, he just wanted to give
mommy an extra turn.
388
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:30,203
I'll meet you over there,
I'm going to drop this off.
389
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,939
Hey...
390
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,841
I don't mean to interrupt, but
I heard the date went very well.
391
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,444
Yeah, uh...
392
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,613
We need to have a really
serious conversation about
393
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,615
what you think of me
as a person
394
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:44,351
that you would
set me up with him.
395
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,119
What?
He was terrible!
396
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,620
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
397
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:50,623
He made is sound like you guys
had a really nice night.
398
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,292
[laughing]
I'm kidding!
399
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,961
Oh, my God!
400
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,462
Okay.
I'm kidding.
401
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,397
It was great,
it was so great.
402
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,366
We had a wonderful time.
Good!
403
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,867
He was such a gentleman.
404
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,070
Well, I don't want to
blow his inevitably
405
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,437
not-remotely-cool cover,
406
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,540
but he also said that
he had a very good time.
407
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,310
What did he say?
408
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,146
Oh, um, he didn't even--
409
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,748
you know, I'm not even
remembering as much.
410
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:20,954
Just that you guys had
gone to dinner and it was fun.
411
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:23,991
Did he tell you about
the Chinese restaurant?
412
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,892
No.
Oh, my gosh, it was amazing.
413
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,395
It was super authentic.
Of course it was authentic.
414
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,663
Kyle's such a dick
about that stuff.
415
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,333
You know, he insists on
watching all foreign films
416
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,834
not in subtitles.
417
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,803
He does not speak
any other language.
418
00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:40,507
Well, he got me to eat
duck intestine.
419
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,075
I want to be you
when I grow up.
420
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,611
Well, no, that's nothing.
Kyle ate live octopus.
421
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,912
Well, that makes sense.
422
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,916
Kyle will put anything
in his mouth.
423
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,952
Hmm.
Well, here's the toilet
paper rolls
424
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,088
you had asked
the class to bring in.
425
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,857
Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry we didn't have
a ton at home.
426
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,859
Oh, that's fine,
I have so many of them.
427
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,361
I go through them
like crazy at my house.
428
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,829
Mm-hmm.
429
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,268
Mom, you don't think
it's alarming that dad
430
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:11,471
was aggressively flirting
with you at your brunch?
431
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,672
Oh, he wasn't flirting.
432
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,108
Uh, yeah, he was.
Yeah, he was.
433
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,044
Flirting, really?
He was.
434
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,611
With me?
435
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:23,116
Oh, ew, ew, ew, "with me?"
Giggle, giggle, giggle.
436
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,784
Oh, just a little bit.
437
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,487
You know I've known your father
for a very long time.
438
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,056
So have I--
I don't flirt with him.
439
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,991
Well, he's one of my oldest
friends, and you know...
440
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,361
Your oldest friend who you
had to take to court
441
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,396
to get his home phone number?
442
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:37,997
I don't remember that.
Ugh.
443
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:39,499
Anyway, it's good
to have options.
444
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,034
"Options"?
What does that mean?
445
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,170
Well, Leon's not going
to be around forever, right?
446
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:47,074
Mom, is Leon ill? Because I feel
like this is coming up a lot.
447
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,241
No, no, he's fine.
448
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:51,144
Amelia, grammy's got cookies.
449
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,412
Do you have hugs?
450
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,247
Mom, you sound like
a pedophile.
451
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,049
[Sharon]
Ready or not, here I come.
452
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:59,052
And even more like a pedophile.
[phone chimes]
453
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,688
Wow.
454
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,324
Ooh, mama!
455
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,693
Ooh, ooh, ooh, mama!
456
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,528
Looks like Kyle and
Miss Shelly had another
457
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,530
hootsie-tootsie date.
458
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,399
Wow.
Yeah, I think he's managed
459
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,034
to maybe spruce up
his shit tunnel.
460
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,837
I think it's more
like he spruced up hers.
461
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,872
What?
462
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,274
How did I not think that?
463
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,376
That is-- I should be
kicked out of comedy.
464
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,045
Oof, that's embarrassing.
465
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,348
It only was just a joke.
466
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,749
All right, you're
going to have to get over
467
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,418
your anal discrimination
because we're going
468
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:32,952
on a double date
with them this Saturday.
469
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,355
There's no way.
Why would you even do that?
470
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,424
Because Kyle is one of
my best friends
471
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:40,560
and he's finally found someone
and I want to support him.
472
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,462
I can't sit across
from her for a whole meal.
473
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,264
You can't sit across from
Miss Shelly just because
474
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,433
she throws a couple of
ice cubes up her butt?
475
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:51,771
So, Miss Shelly,
where are you from originally?
476
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,306
Oh, please,
just call me Shelly.
477
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:54,907
I don't think I can.
478
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,409
We're basically from
the same part of New Jersey.
479
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,877
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
480
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,279
I didn't know that, seriously?
Yeah.
481
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,248
Exit 9B, exit 13.
482
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,482
Yep, trash, trash.
483
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,751
Oh, I killed a guy
at exit 13.
484
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:07,320
Oh, boy.
Just kidding, no, I didn't.
485
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:08,588
I mean, it was more of
a bludgeoning
486
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,591
but eventually he died, so...
487
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,326
How long have you been here for?
Are you proud of that?
488
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,128
Do you like that?
I think...
489
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,297
You're gonna cover it with, "How
long have you been here for"?
490
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,931
'Cause that was rough.
491
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,433
Listen, it's a workshop.
492
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,602
Ooh, I just realized,
I'm getting a message.
493
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,003
Your Lyft is here.
Ooh.
494
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:25,905
You should just go outside
and get to any car
495
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,907
with a pink moustache
or any car that's a man
496
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,610
with a moustache
who's driving.
497
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,912
Okay, to answer your question.
Thank you.
498
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,682
I've been here
for four years.
499
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,484
I got here, I didn't
really have a plan,
500
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,252
I did know jack shit
and then...
501
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,987
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
502
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,822
I'm so sorry, you're parents,
I shouldn't have cursed
503
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:43,856
in front of parents.
504
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,525
Oh, please,
I swear constantly.
505
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,960
Oh, yeah, no, Shelly is just
like you except, like,
506
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:52,632
a much, much, much younger
version of you.
507
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,634
So she also
finds you repulsive.
508
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,969
But lucky for him
I like repulsive.
509
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,472
Probably had them when my father
was bludgeoned on Exit 13.
510
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:01,040
Uh-oh.
That's a comeback.
511
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:02,309
Mm-hmm.
Appreciate it.
512
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,976
You know what she did?
And enjoyed it.
513
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:08,481
She just made a good joke out of
your bad joke from earlier.
514
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,650
Foccach?
Oh, thank you, sir.
515
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,286
Wow, look at you,
so chivalrous.
516
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,654
You're like Hugh Jackman.
517
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,323
Hugh Jackman?
Yeah.
I don't know,
518
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,391
I just think he's probably
very respectful of a woman.
519
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,059
I can see that.
Right?
520
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,829
But I think of anything, I'm
actually more like Wolverine.
521
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,298
I was born head to toe
covered in hair.
522
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:26,566
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, I have a picture.
523
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,368
Great.
I'm going to the bathroom.
524
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,337
When I get back, I would love
to have this locked and loaded.
525
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,638
I'll come with you,
I'll show you in the bathroom.
526
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,005
Show me in the bathroom.
527
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,507
Okay, well, Mike and I
will just hang out here.
528
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,676
All right.
Please hurry back.
529
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,878
We're gonna kill
this foccach.
530
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,880
Don't call it "foccach".
Foccach!
531
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,583
Am I right?
Yeah, you bet.
532
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,853
I'm doing this thing now
where whenever I pee, right,
533
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:49,088
I make myself stop peeing
right in the middle,
534
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:52,325
and then I go again,
stop, go again, stop.
535
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:53,893
Do you ever do that?
536
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,328
Nope.
537
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,897
I mean, but do you think
he got burned by the chicken?
538
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,098
Oh, yeah.
539
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:02,034
And I have to imagine
there was no way not to.
540
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,870
I mean, I do get
the instinct, though.
541
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,373
Once I smuggled out a shrimp
cocktail in my bra.
542
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,708
It was really lumpy, everybody
thought I had breast cancer.
543
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,543
Ooh, I like that move!
544
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,111
You know what,
when you're pregnant,
545
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:14,381
just think of all the stuff
you'll be able to steal.
546
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:16,215
You could do, like,
a whole rack of lamb
547
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:19,051
and then stick potatoes
in a nursing bra.
548
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,721
I wish, but I'm never
going to be pregnant,
549
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,390
so I guess I'll just
have to keep stealing
550
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,724
the old fashioned way.
551
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:25,892
I'm not talking about now,
552
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,560
I mean later, when you
want a baby.
553
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,262
Oh, I never want kids.
554
00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,730
What?
555
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,432
I mean, love kids,
don't get me wrong.
556
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,233
I just always knew
I don't want any of my own.
557
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,736
What about, like,
adoption or surrogacy?
558
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:39,572
I get them in eight hour
doses a day, that's enough.
559
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:43,743
Is there any way
to go around there?
560
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,412
Have you told Kyle that?
561
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,447
God no--
we just started dating,
562
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,316
I'm not going to
bring up kids yet.
563
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:52,118
That would be crazy.
Mm-hmm.
564
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,756
Really?
565
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:59,326
I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
566
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,761
I can't believe now I'm going
to have to break up with a girl
567
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:04,263
who's gorgeous and smart
and funny
568
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:06,333
and likes things
up her butt.
569
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,800
Ass cubes.
570
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:12,104
But are you...
for sure that you want kids?
571
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:13,272
Well, of course I do.
572
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:15,975
I know 100% I want kids,
I want to have a family.
573
00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:20,447
There's only one real silver
lining in any of this, I guess,
574
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,416
and that's this is 100%
your fault.
575
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:26,619
As a result I can lord this over
you for the rest of our lives,
576
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,955
which is actually
kind of great for me.
577
00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:31,791
Are you saying I gave you a gift
and you should be thanking me?
578
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:34,761
No, it's like you made me
a meal and then were like,
579
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,963
"Oh, it was poison."
580
00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:39,966
Or like made you a meal
and then was like,
581
00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:43,503
"That meal doesn't
want babies."
582
00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:45,805
Seriously, though,
are you okay?
583
00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:49,041
I'm bummed, for real,
I was ready to be done.
584
00:21:49,075 --> 00:21:50,443
Come here.
585
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,211
What-- we're in
the coffeeshop.
586
00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:55,214
So? Just lean into it.
What are you doing?
587
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,650
Just let me... shh, shh.
What are you doing?
588
00:21:57,684 --> 00:22:00,052
Just be quiet,
you're making a scene.
589
00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:02,622
Just shh...
What do you mean?
590
00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:04,857
Just relax and let
nature take its course.
591
00:22:04,891 --> 00:22:07,660
Let me give you
my soothing love.
592
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:10,497
Ooh, wait a minute, okay,
I'm in, now I get it.
593
00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:12,231
What are you doing?
Nothing.
594
00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:15,201
No, let me-- [laughing]
595
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:18,505
You know what?
596
00:22:18,538 --> 00:22:21,040
In the beginning I didn't
want that hug, but at the end,
597
00:22:21,073 --> 00:22:22,341
I really needed it.
598
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,312
[Sharon on phone]
Don't be mad.
599
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:27,747
Oh, God.
600
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:30,149
Okay, so your father
picked me up on his motorcycle.
601
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,718
No, mm-mm.
Wait--
602
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:33,686
That's not the bad part.
That's not the bad part?
603
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,822
We went to dinner and I assumed
it was just as friends,
604
00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:38,090
but you were right,
he was flirting with me.
605
00:22:38,124 --> 00:22:41,828
Oh, my God, mm-mm, mom, I'm
telling you this cannot happen.
606
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,830
You'll be very happy to know
it's not going to happen.
607
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:47,266
I realized that I am not
sexually attracted to him.
608
00:22:47,299 --> 00:22:50,169
Okay, I have so many
issues with that statement,
609
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:53,005
but I'm going to take it because
it's for the greater good.
610
00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:55,107
Okay, but I want you to
feel good about my decision.
611
00:22:55,141 --> 00:22:56,776
There's-- I--
there's nothing good
612
00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:58,511
that I'm feeling from
this conversation.
613
00:22:58,545 --> 00:23:01,581
Of course you never know what'll
happen, you know, in the future.
614
00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:02,782
It's good to have options.
615
00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:04,517
Options for when Leon dies.
616
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:05,618
Oh, God forbid.
617
00:23:05,652 --> 00:23:07,119
[Martin]
Sharon!
618
00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:09,021
[whispering]
Oh, he's coming, he's coming...
619
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:10,757
I got to go, bye.
Bye.
620
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:14,627
Wow!
What was that about?
621
00:23:14,661 --> 00:23:17,630
Oh, just my mom no longer
finds my dad attractive,
622
00:23:17,664 --> 00:23:20,232
but that can change
if Leon dies, so,
623
00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:21,701
basically we're
one heartbeat away
624
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,369
from my worst nightmare
coming true.
625
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:26,138
We have to really make sure
that Leon's kept healthy.
626
00:23:26,172 --> 00:23:28,307
I'm already planning
on harvesting my bone marrow,
627
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,876
so I got that in the works.
628
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:33,446
Mommy, is grammy and
grampy getting married?
629
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,048
Not if there's a God.
630
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:37,316
Is there a God?
631
00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:43,155
Look at you!
632
00:23:43,189 --> 00:23:45,658
Back on campus,
I'm proud of you.
633
00:23:45,692 --> 00:23:46,993
I'm not getting
the play by play.
634
00:23:47,026 --> 00:23:49,228
I think I can get over her
sexual proclivities.
635
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:50,597
Oh, my God, I cannot believe
636
00:23:50,630 --> 00:23:51,764
you're still being
weird about this.
637
00:23:51,798 --> 00:23:54,100
It's so not a big deal.
638
00:23:54,133 --> 00:23:56,302
Okay, I'll give you
a little bit.
639
00:23:56,335 --> 00:23:58,838
Hi.
Oh, hi, guys,
you're here early today.
640
00:23:58,871 --> 00:24:01,674
Yeah, we have a kindergarten
interview, sorry.
641
00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:03,676
That's fine, they're
just finishing up their snack.
642
00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:05,444
Okay, we can wait.
Hi, boo.
643
00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:07,614
Who wants ice in their juice?
Me.
644
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,348
All right.
645
00:24:09,381 --> 00:24:10,783
Here you go...
646
00:24:13,853 --> 00:24:16,088
And some ice over here.
647
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:18,257
No ice!
Actually, no juice.
648
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:19,826
But mommy, I want juice.
649
00:24:19,859 --> 00:24:22,028
You know what, we're going
to have juice at home.
650
00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:24,130
Actually, you remember the
dentist said we shouldn't have
651
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:26,633
too much juice, so maybe
we'll just get, we'll get, like,
652
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:29,368
a soda or something.
653
00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:30,369
You know what?
654
00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:31,504
I'll see you tomorrow.
655
00:24:31,538 --> 00:24:33,039
Guys, enjoy your
snacks-- sorry.
656
00:24:33,072 --> 00:24:35,441
All right, have a good one.
Bye.
657
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,243
Who else wanted ice?
Okay.
49852
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