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1
00:00:04,101 --> 00:00:06,062
Previously on" The Affair"...
2
00:00:06,129 --> 00:00:08,688
Uh, hi. I'm Alison.
3
00:00:08,765 --> 00:00:09,767
Ben.
4
00:00:09,845 --> 00:00:11,633
Yeah, when I got back
from my second tour,
5
00:00:11,710 --> 00:00:12,798
I was a disaster.
6
00:00:12,875 --> 00:00:16,078
And I, uh,
had a hard time being...
7
00:00:16,645 --> 00:00:18,031
being intimate.
8
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:19,556
Oh.
9
00:00:20,238 --> 00:00:22,282
It's pretty
interesting stuff, huh?
10
00:00:22,359 --> 00:00:23,690
You scared me.
11
00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:25,433
You can't just
sneak up on people
12
00:00:25,510 --> 00:00:27,610
at a conference about
posttraumatic stress.
13
00:00:27,687 --> 00:00:30,518
Sorry, uh, I didn't
realize I was that scary.
14
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,162
We should meet up
all over the country
15
00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:34,046
at different
PTSD conferences.
16
00:00:37,343 --> 00:00:39,361
Are you having fun yet?
17
00:00:39,438 --> 00:00:40,878
What's that face?
18
00:00:40,955 --> 00:00:42,476
You amaze me.
19
00:00:44,199 --> 00:00:45,534
I'm looking for Ben Cruz.
20
00:00:45,611 --> 00:00:47,211
He is actually
at a lunch meeting,
21
00:00:47,288 --> 00:00:48,956
but he'll be back
any minute.
22
00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:51,425
- I-I...
- Mrs. Cruz, what are you doing?
23
00:00:51,502 --> 00:00:53,032
Please, let me
help you with that.
24
00:00:53,109 --> 00:00:54,300
Mrs. Cruz, please.
25
00:00:54,377 --> 00:00:55,992
I insist.
Let me do that.
26
00:00:56,104 --> 00:00:58,109
A lush. I love it.
27
00:00:58,186 --> 00:00:59,883
No, I just had a terrible day.
28
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,250
Have you ever heard
of the, uh, mile-high club?
29
00:01:03,727 --> 00:01:05,569
I can't sit back
down there, okay?
30
00:01:05,646 --> 00:01:07,185
- He tried to kiss me.
- Calm down, ma'am.
31
00:01:07,262 --> 00:01:08,446
- This is a misunderstanding.
- I need you to calm down.
32
00:01:08,523 --> 00:01:09,572
Stop touching me!
33
00:01:09,649 --> 00:01:11,502
Noah? Hi.
34
00:01:11,986 --> 00:01:14,027
She just started
freaking out on the highway.
35
00:01:14,104 --> 00:01:15,521
I didn't know
where else to bring her.
36
00:01:15,598 --> 00:01:17,016
What about you?
You seeing anybody?
37
00:01:17,093 --> 00:01:18,813
I was.
He's married.
38
00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:21,120
Alison, you have
so much time.
39
00:01:21,197 --> 00:01:22,542
You could have
a second act.
40
00:01:22,619 --> 00:01:24,339
You could do whatever
you want to do.
41
00:01:24,416 --> 00:01:25,884
But if you want
to change your life,
42
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,676
you have to do it now.
43
00:01:37,510 --> 00:01:40,649
♪ I was screaming
into the canyon ♪
44
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,801
♪ At the moment of my death ♪
45
00:01:44,068 --> 00:01:47,233
♪ The echo I created ♪
46
00:01:47,310 --> 00:01:50,348
♪ Outlasted my last breath ♪
47
00:01:50,451 --> 00:01:53,721
♪ My voice it made
an avalanche ♪
48
00:01:53,798 --> 00:01:56,856
♪ And buried a man
I never knew ♪
49
00:01:56,957 --> 00:01:59,971
♪ And when he died,
his widowed bride ♪
50
00:02:00,048 --> 00:02:02,763
♪ Met your daddy
and they made you ♪
51
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,804
♪ I have only one thing to do ♪
52
00:02:04,881 --> 00:02:06,962
♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪
53
00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:09,653
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
54
00:02:09,912 --> 00:02:11,409
♪ I have only one thing to do ♪
55
00:02:11,486 --> 00:02:13,615
♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪
56
00:02:13,692 --> 00:02:15,745
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
57
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:18,073
♪ I have only one thing to do ♪
58
00:02:18,150 --> 00:02:20,229
♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪
59
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:23,827
♪ Sink back into the ocean,
sink back into the ocean ♪
60
00:02:23,904 --> 00:02:25,403
♪ Sink back into the o... ♪
61
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,018
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
62
00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:28,628
♪ Sink back into the o... ♪
63
00:02:28,705 --> 00:02:30,462
♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪
64
00:02:30,539 --> 00:02:32,973
♪ Sink back
into the ocean ♪
65
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:39,872
*THE AFFAIR*
Season 04 Episode 09
66
00:02:39,949 --> 00:02:42,333
*THE AFFAIR*
Episode Title: "Episode #4.9"
67
00:02:42,410 --> 00:02:45,137
Sync corrections by srjanapala
68
00:02:54,687 --> 00:02:57,676
"Cover Me Up"
by Jason Isbell playing...
69
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,902
♪ A heart on the run ♪
70
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:10,595
♪ Keeps a hand on the gun ♪
71
00:03:10,672 --> 00:03:13,302
♪ You can't trust anyone ♪
72
00:03:16,478 --> 00:03:18,776
♪ I was so sure ♪
73
00:03:18,853 --> 00:03:21,760
♪ What I needed was more ♪
74
00:03:21,907 --> 00:03:24,781
♪ Tried to shoot out the sun ♪
75
00:03:27,566 --> 00:03:29,850
♪ Days when we raged ♪
76
00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:32,464
♪ We flew off the page ♪
77
00:03:32,541 --> 00:03:35,408
♪ Such damage was done ♪
78
00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:40,635
♪ But I made it through ♪
79
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,438
♪ 'Cause somebody knew ♪
80
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,921
♪ I was meant for someone ♪
81
00:03:50,892 --> 00:03:54,297
♪ So, girl, leave
your boots by the bed ♪
82
00:03:54,374 --> 00:03:58,062
♪ We ain't leaving this room ♪
83
00:04:01,916 --> 00:04:05,042
♪ Till someone
needs medical help ♪
84
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,939
♪ Or the magnol... ♪
85
00:04:20,910 --> 00:04:21,910
Hi.
86
00:04:22,897 --> 00:04:24,463
Hi.
87
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:26,992
It's good to see you.
88
00:04:27,298 --> 00:04:29,656
Um, can I come in?
89
00:04:32,275 --> 00:04:34,492
Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. Um...
90
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:58,212
It's beautiful here.
91
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,645
Thank you.
92
00:05:00,728 --> 00:05:02,017
So...
93
00:05:02,478 --> 00:05:04,093
where'd you go?
94
00:05:04,506 --> 00:05:05,579
What do you mean?
95
00:05:05,656 --> 00:05:06,770
Last week.
96
00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:08,835
Thought we
had a date.
97
00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:11,667
I...
98
00:05:12,494 --> 00:05:14,135
It's for you.
99
00:05:14,329 --> 00:05:15,495
Thank you.
100
00:05:15,713 --> 00:05:16,823
Um, do you want to sit?
101
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,610
I need to talk to you
about something.
102
00:05:18,687 --> 00:05:21,351
Actually, um, can I say
something first?
103
00:05:22,728 --> 00:05:24,478
Okay.
104
00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:27,837
I'm married.
105
00:05:32,292 --> 00:05:34,593
- Okay.
- I didn't tell you.
106
00:05:35,687 --> 00:05:38,145
Uh, no, you didn't.
107
00:05:38,222 --> 00:05:40,430
I was afraid you wouldn't
want to see me again.
108
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,919
Well, you're right.
109
00:05:44,108 --> 00:05:46,014
But I already know.
110
00:05:47,202 --> 00:05:48,733
I found out.
111
00:05:50,072 --> 00:05:51,134
How?
112
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:55,202
I went to see you
at your office.
113
00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:56,720
Your wife was there.
114
00:05:56,797 --> 00:05:57,817
Heidi?
115
00:05:57,895 --> 00:05:59,061
Mm-hmm.
116
00:06:01,104 --> 00:06:02,890
Okay. Um...
117
00:06:03,122 --> 00:06:04,327
did you speak to her?
118
00:06:04,404 --> 00:06:05,774
It doesn't matter.
119
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:09,682
- You lied to me.
- I know.
120
00:06:09,759 --> 00:06:11,958
I told you everything
about myself.
121
00:06:12,345 --> 00:06:14,063
- I told you about my son.
- I know.
122
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,862
- I know, and I'm sorry.
- That's it?
123
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:17,923
- That's all you have to say?
- I have a lot to say.
124
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,001
Do you want to sit?
125
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:20,651
- No.
- Okay.
126
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:23,100
Well, um, this might
take a while.
127
00:06:23,177 --> 00:06:24,576
I've been rehearsing
this for days,
128
00:06:24,653 --> 00:06:26,415
but I realize I may
never see you again,
129
00:06:26,492 --> 00:06:27,960
so I'm gonna say everything.
130
00:06:29,702 --> 00:06:31,410
Okay.
131
00:06:48,168 --> 00:06:49,978
So, uh...
132
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:54,760
I left my wife today.
133
00:06:55,127 --> 00:06:57,552
- I don't believe you.
- I did. I can show you
134
00:06:57,629 --> 00:06:59,159
the angry text messages
I've been getting,
135
00:06:59,236 --> 00:07:00,569
if that would help.
136
00:07:03,619 --> 00:07:05,398
Our marriage is done.
137
00:07:06,764 --> 00:07:08,962
I should have left
a long time ago, but...
138
00:07:10,088 --> 00:07:11,586
I said it was for the kids,
139
00:07:11,663 --> 00:07:13,296
but it wasn't for the kids.
140
00:07:14,103 --> 00:07:16,820
I just didn't want to fail
at something else.
141
00:07:16,975 --> 00:07:18,251
And then I met you.
142
00:07:18,328 --> 00:07:19,935
I wanted to tell you.
143
00:07:20,012 --> 00:07:23,156
I-I tried to tell you, but...
144
00:07:23,241 --> 00:07:25,096
I knew, if I did,
you'd just walk away
145
00:07:25,173 --> 00:07:26,188
and I'd never see you again,
146
00:07:26,265 --> 00:07:28,328
and I couldn't make myself
say the words.
147
00:07:30,999 --> 00:07:34,562
You are literally
the woman of my dreams.
148
00:07:35,645 --> 00:07:37,462
I know it's not
the perfect situation,
149
00:07:37,539 --> 00:07:39,897
but I came here tonight
just hoping that maybe
150
00:07:39,974 --> 00:07:42,885
we can start again
with no more secrets.
151
00:07:55,556 --> 00:07:56,923
I'm Ben.
152
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,409
I recently separated
from my wife,
153
00:07:59,486 --> 00:08:02,085
and I have two boys:
154
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:05,070
Bodhi and Gabriel.
155
00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:08,423
Gabriel?
156
00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:15,931
Gabriel?
157
00:08:16,478 --> 00:08:18,757
Right. Okay.
158
00:08:19,794 --> 00:08:21,436
Uh...
159
00:08:21,599 --> 00:08:22,817
how old?
160
00:08:22,895 --> 00:08:24,318
Bodhi's six, and...
161
00:08:24,395 --> 00:08:25,514
Gabriel's a year.
162
00:08:25,591 --> 00:08:26,707
- Ben.
- Look, I know.
163
00:08:26,784 --> 00:08:28,313
I know it sounds bad.
164
00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:30,779
My wife and I,
we talked already.
165
00:08:30,856 --> 00:08:32,527
Look, we agreed,
this isn't the life
166
00:08:32,604 --> 00:08:33,848
that either of us wants.
167
00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:35,897
And we'd be happier
with other people.
168
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,417
We'll be better
parents to our boys.
169
00:08:40,168 --> 00:08:41,866
I love you.
170
00:08:43,574 --> 00:08:45,689
That's what I came here to say.
171
00:08:49,302 --> 00:08:51,034
Say something.
172
00:08:52,536 --> 00:08:55,050
Thank you for
finally telling me.
173
00:08:55,270 --> 00:08:57,230
- That's it?
- What do you want me to say?
174
00:08:57,307 --> 00:08:58,504
I don't know, uh...
175
00:08:58,581 --> 00:08:59,545
you forgive me.
176
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,190
- Doesn't matter. You love me, too.
- Oh, it does matter.
177
00:09:02,841 --> 00:09:04,522
And I don't forgive you.
178
00:09:04,599 --> 00:09:06,026
And how can I
tell you I love you?
179
00:09:06,103 --> 00:09:07,557
I don't even know you.
180
00:09:07,746 --> 00:09:10,177
Mmm. Yeah.
181
00:09:11,455 --> 00:09:12,646
Right.
182
00:09:19,205 --> 00:09:20,621
Wait.
183
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,623
I have something
I want to say to you, too.
184
00:09:25,395 --> 00:09:26,536
Okay.
185
00:09:26,626 --> 00:09:28,184
- You're a shit.
- I know.
186
00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:29,566
You treated me badly.
187
00:09:29,643 --> 00:09:30,669
I did.
188
00:09:30,919 --> 00:09:32,344
I was honest with you.
189
00:09:32,421 --> 00:09:34,253
I told you who I am.
190
00:09:34,613 --> 00:09:35,793
I didn't lie to you.
191
00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:37,064
You lied to me.
192
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:38,311
Yeah.
193
00:09:38,833 --> 00:09:39,928
Why?
194
00:09:40,411 --> 00:09:42,094
I screwed up.
195
00:09:43,435 --> 00:09:45,138
I'm weak.
196
00:09:47,255 --> 00:09:51,159
Ben, I am sorry
you broke up with your wife.
197
00:09:52,187 --> 00:09:55,147
I am sorry, most of all,
for your kids.
198
00:09:55,224 --> 00:09:57,456
And I am sorry that you and I
199
00:09:57,668 --> 00:10:01,593
never had a chance to see
where this could go.
200
00:10:02,931 --> 00:10:04,772
Because I really liked you.
201
00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:07,914
And I haven't felt
this way about anyone
202
00:10:07,991 --> 00:10:09,671
in a really long time.
203
00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:13,405
But I am done
204
00:10:13,895 --> 00:10:16,522
being the woman you lie
to your wife about.
205
00:10:16,772 --> 00:10:20,163
I have lived this
entire story before,
206
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,730
and it doesn't end well,
207
00:10:21,807 --> 00:10:24,805
and I... couldn't go through
with it again,
208
00:10:24,882 --> 00:10:26,764
even if I wanted to.
209
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,897
Do you understand?
210
00:10:32,774 --> 00:10:34,843
Of course I understand.
211
00:10:42,306 --> 00:10:44,291
Um... should I...
212
00:10:44,368 --> 00:10:46,313
should I let
myself out, or, uh...
213
00:10:46,390 --> 00:10:47,560
Yeah.
214
00:10:48,632 --> 00:10:50,389
Guess you should.
215
00:10:57,899 --> 00:10:59,952
You should get
someone to fix that.
216
00:11:00,423 --> 00:11:01,735
Yeah, I know.
217
00:11:01,812 --> 00:11:03,281
Called the plumber
a couple of times.
218
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,260
Just keeps standing me up.
219
00:11:07,384 --> 00:11:10,983
I mean, I can fix it for you
right now if you want.
220
00:11:15,222 --> 00:11:16,485
Or not.
221
00:11:16,735 --> 00:11:18,151
No.
222
00:11:18,228 --> 00:11:19,524
Um...
223
00:11:20,738 --> 00:11:22,197
Thank you.
224
00:11:49,985 --> 00:11:51,382
- Ah.
- That's it.
225
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:52,759
Oh.
226
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,860
Seems like an old sink.
227
00:11:54,937 --> 00:11:57,968
I might as well just get
under there and tighten it up.
228
00:12:06,478 --> 00:12:08,672
Thank you so much
for doing this.
229
00:12:08,749 --> 00:12:10,177
Yeah. No problem.
230
00:12:10,261 --> 00:12:11,751
This is fun for me.
231
00:12:15,293 --> 00:12:18,897
I-I could make you some dinner,
you know, before you go.
232
00:12:21,525 --> 00:12:22,732
Okay.
233
00:12:28,705 --> 00:12:30,206
Uh...
234
00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:34,203
Well, I have some eggs or...
235
00:12:36,259 --> 00:12:37,837
Uh...
236
00:12:37,914 --> 00:12:39,279
Uh, what are
you doing?
237
00:12:39,356 --> 00:12:41,921
I'm going to make us
something. Yeah.
238
00:12:41,998 --> 00:12:43,851
Well, no, I-I offered
to make you dinner.
239
00:12:43,928 --> 00:12:45,166
Yeah, and I
appreciated that offer.
240
00:12:45,243 --> 00:12:46,929
Now, um, give me some space.
241
00:12:47,006 --> 00:12:48,557
Go pour yourself
a glass of wine.
242
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:49,764
Relax.
243
00:13:55,288 --> 00:13:57,514
Your wife is very beautiful.
244
00:14:02,788 --> 00:14:04,110
Yeah.
245
00:14:04,596 --> 00:14:06,358
She's definitely that.
246
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:12,202
Did you really end it with her?
247
00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,080
I swear.
248
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:21,256
Did you tell her about me?
249
00:14:22,019 --> 00:14:23,259
No.
250
00:14:23,914 --> 00:14:25,632
That just seemed cruel.
251
00:14:27,812 --> 00:14:29,507
What did you say?
252
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,048
I said...
253
00:14:34,272 --> 00:14:38,100
I didn't love her
anymore, and...
254
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,749
she said she didn't
love me anymore, either.
255
00:14:51,550 --> 00:14:53,998
Why? What happened
between you two?
256
00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:58,236
I, uh...
257
00:15:00,451 --> 00:15:02,192
I went to war.
258
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:07,188
I just...
259
00:15:08,373 --> 00:15:09,671
Changed me.
260
00:15:11,157 --> 00:15:13,702
I don't know how to describe it
any better than that.
261
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,768
And Heidi, she was raised
by a single mom
262
00:15:17,845 --> 00:15:20,334
who couldn't make the rent,
and, uh...
263
00:15:20,779 --> 00:15:23,319
she basically grew up in a car.
264
00:15:23,538 --> 00:15:26,335
She wanted a man, you know...
Capital "M."
265
00:15:26,497 --> 00:15:29,843
Someone to take care of her,
266
00:15:30,384 --> 00:15:32,420
be strong, make money,
267
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:34,279
tell her
she was pretty.
268
00:15:38,108 --> 00:15:40,460
She just didn't want
to have to worry anymore.
269
00:15:44,679 --> 00:15:46,866
That's who she thought
she married.
270
00:15:48,122 --> 00:15:50,528
That's who we both
thought I was.
271
00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:54,327
What changed?
272
00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:01,194
It was my, uh...
273
00:16:01,454 --> 00:16:04,655
second combat tour
in Afghanistan, and...
274
00:16:05,113 --> 00:16:07,101
I'd been deployed for 12 months,
275
00:16:07,178 --> 00:16:10,350
which is a ridiculous
amount of time.
276
00:16:11,122 --> 00:16:12,656
And one day,
we ran out of fuel
277
00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:14,962
for the generator
on our base, and, uh...
278
00:16:15,039 --> 00:16:17,494
I took out a Humvee with a few
of the guys from my platoon.
279
00:16:17,571 --> 00:16:20,043
It was just supposed to be a
simple resupply mission, but...
280
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,455
we'd been given
the wrong information,
281
00:16:21,532 --> 00:16:23,571
and when we got there...
282
00:16:25,386 --> 00:16:27,584
the fuel didn't exist.
283
00:16:30,164 --> 00:16:32,090
So we had to return empty-handed
284
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,999
on the same road we had
traveled that morning,
285
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,962
which is a stupid
and dangerous thing to do.
286
00:16:37,095 --> 00:16:39,637
I just had two weeks
left on my tour,
287
00:16:39,714 --> 00:16:42,129
and all I could think about
was getting home to Heidi,
288
00:16:42,206 --> 00:16:43,542
a bath,
289
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,009
a beer on our deck,
290
00:16:46,636 --> 00:16:48,301
putting Bodhi to sleep
291
00:16:48,378 --> 00:16:50,704
and, uh, taking
her clothes off and, uh...
292
00:16:52,206 --> 00:16:53,589
Sorry.
293
00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:55,206
No.
294
00:16:55,284 --> 00:16:57,024
I understand.
295
00:17:02,002 --> 00:17:03,813
Anyway, um...
296
00:17:05,236 --> 00:17:06,564
Out of the corner
of my eye,
297
00:17:06,641 --> 00:17:09,063
I could see these kids
watching us
298
00:17:09,651 --> 00:17:11,534
from the door
of a building, and...
299
00:17:11,611 --> 00:17:14,032
It used to be a school,
but we bombed it.
300
00:17:14,175 --> 00:17:15,997
And, uh...
301
00:17:17,884 --> 00:17:20,016
My stomach just fell
302
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,692
because I had seen those
same kids on the way out,
303
00:17:23,769 --> 00:17:25,860
and here they were again
waiting for us.
304
00:17:29,342 --> 00:17:34,000
I just begged, "God, Jesus,
Mary, just let us pass.
305
00:17:34,077 --> 00:17:37,376
Keep those kids
in the fucking rubble."
306
00:17:39,856 --> 00:17:42,165
One of them...
307
00:17:42,622 --> 00:17:44,500
he was tall.
308
00:17:44,577 --> 00:17:46,954
Had to be 13 or 14.
309
00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:50,675
Sure enough, he came
running towards us
310
00:17:50,752 --> 00:17:52,982
with what looked like a weapon.
311
00:17:53,059 --> 00:17:56,165
And he raised it,
and I realized it was an RPG.
312
00:17:57,058 --> 00:17:58,721
Before he could
pull the trigger,
313
00:17:58,798 --> 00:17:59,971
I pulled mine, and...
314
00:18:00,048 --> 00:18:01,247
he fell.
315
00:18:04,487 --> 00:18:06,001
You killed him?
316
00:18:06,122 --> 00:18:07,401
Yeah.
317
00:18:11,644 --> 00:18:14,372
His weapon wasn't real.
318
00:18:15,955 --> 00:18:17,470
What do you mean?
319
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,129
"RPG" stands for
"rocket-propelled grenade."
320
00:18:22,206 --> 00:18:23,877
It's like a gun
that shoots a grenade.
321
00:18:23,954 --> 00:18:25,458
And, uh...
322
00:18:27,486 --> 00:18:29,766
Well, the one he was
holding, it wasn't...
323
00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:32,079
didn't have a grenade attached.
324
00:18:34,316 --> 00:18:35,774
It was old.
325
00:18:36,206 --> 00:18:38,079
It was essentially a toy.
326
00:18:41,691 --> 00:18:44,884
What, you killed an unarmed kid?
327
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:46,526
Yeah.
328
00:18:46,604 --> 00:18:48,891
Where do you...
where do you keep your plates?
329
00:18:52,847 --> 00:18:54,519
Uh, um...
330
00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:56,754
just here.
331
00:19:47,955 --> 00:19:50,249
So that's what you
walk around with?
332
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:51,747
Every day?
333
00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:02,288
When I got back home...
334
00:20:04,851 --> 00:20:07,216
I couldn't stand Heidi anymore.
335
00:20:10,622 --> 00:20:12,608
It wasn't her fault.
It just...
336
00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:15,085
The way she looked at me.
337
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,639
The way she needed me.
338
00:20:24,517 --> 00:20:26,272
One night, I, uh...
339
00:20:28,622 --> 00:20:31,460
I got wasted, and...
340
00:20:31,955 --> 00:20:33,711
I tied her to the bed
on her stomach
341
00:20:33,788 --> 00:20:35,772
so I wouldn't have
to look at her face.
342
00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:41,944
I wouldn't let her go.
343
00:20:43,483 --> 00:20:45,718
Not even when Bodhi
started to cry.
344
00:21:03,433 --> 00:21:06,507
I got clean soon
after that, and, uh...
345
00:21:07,553 --> 00:21:09,835
I haven't touched a drink since.
346
00:21:10,871 --> 00:21:12,819
I haven't touched her, either.
347
00:21:22,206 --> 00:21:23,289
You done?
348
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:24,784
Uh, yeah.
349
00:21:40,556 --> 00:21:43,339
I haven't told anyone
what I just told you.
350
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,546
That last part.
351
00:21:52,399 --> 00:21:54,089
But I think about it
all the time.
352
00:21:54,166 --> 00:21:57,155
Just... people I've hurt,
353
00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:59,130
lives I've ruined.
354
00:22:01,285 --> 00:22:03,983
All I want is
to somehow be forgiven.
355
00:22:07,502 --> 00:22:09,991
I know that's not
possible, so...
356
00:22:39,099 --> 00:22:40,569
You know, I have a...
357
00:22:40,646 --> 00:22:43,702
I have a rare day every so often
358
00:22:43,986 --> 00:22:47,608
where I feel
a little more still inside.
359
00:22:48,791 --> 00:22:50,864
It's-it's usually
in the late fall,
360
00:22:50,941 --> 00:22:53,350
when the summer people
have gone and...
361
00:22:54,183 --> 00:22:57,397
I can hear the wind
and the water,
362
00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,210
and the birds, nothing else.
363
00:23:01,317 --> 00:23:03,698
That's when my heart,
like, hurts
364
00:23:03,775 --> 00:23:06,139
for how beautiful
it is out here.
365
00:23:07,890 --> 00:23:09,921
I want to...
366
00:23:10,572 --> 00:23:12,228
drink the air.
367
00:23:14,036 --> 00:23:15,900
Live in the sunsets.
368
00:23:20,140 --> 00:23:21,505
And then I...
369
00:23:21,582 --> 00:23:25,499
It's not that I feel
forgiven exactly,
370
00:23:26,185 --> 00:23:29,258
but I feel at peace
with what happened.
371
00:23:33,422 --> 00:23:34,530
What?
372
00:23:34,676 --> 00:23:36,710
Forgiven for what?
373
00:23:38,911 --> 00:23:41,655
I mean, what happened
to your son wasn't your fault.
374
00:23:43,976 --> 00:23:45,351
Was it?
375
00:23:46,774 --> 00:23:48,649
Yeah.
376
00:23:49,140 --> 00:23:52,428
How? I thought
your husband was with him.
377
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,409
No, he-he didn't drown
in the water.
378
00:23:59,196 --> 00:24:01,225
Um, he had fluid in his lungs,
379
00:24:01,302 --> 00:24:03,458
and I didn't take him
to the hospital.
380
00:24:04,932 --> 00:24:07,047
He drowned in his sleep.
381
00:24:08,681 --> 00:24:10,156
That can happen?
382
00:24:10,390 --> 00:24:11,721
Mm-hmm.
383
00:24:12,390 --> 00:24:14,570
It's called secondary drowning.
384
00:24:16,473 --> 00:24:18,255
I never heard of it.
385
00:24:19,522 --> 00:24:21,683
He seemed fine,
and then at night,
386
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,172
he vomited, had diarrhea.
387
00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:29,742
He said his shoulder
hurt, and...
388
00:24:30,385 --> 00:24:32,309
Cole wanted me to take him
to the hospital,
389
00:24:32,386 --> 00:24:35,461
but I-I was...
I was mad at Cole.
390
00:24:35,929 --> 00:24:38,175
Because he had
spent the whole day
391
00:24:38,252 --> 00:24:39,353
flirting with Jocelyn.
392
00:24:39,430 --> 00:24:40,439
It was just...
393
00:24:40,516 --> 00:24:41,932
And...
394
00:24:45,625 --> 00:24:48,283
I was a nurse, you know.
I thought I knew better.
395
00:24:54,349 --> 00:24:56,380
In the morning, he was gray.
396
00:24:58,437 --> 00:25:00,578
He died without making a sound.
397
00:25:05,437 --> 00:25:06,979
Jesus.
398
00:25:07,515 --> 00:25:09,789
Sorry.
399
00:25:10,057 --> 00:25:12,500
Maybe you didn't want
to know all that.
400
00:25:12,723 --> 00:25:14,713
Of course I did.
401
00:25:15,601 --> 00:25:16,976
I do.
402
00:25:29,322 --> 00:25:31,664
I've had this, um...
403
00:25:32,702 --> 00:25:35,484
recurring dream lately,
404
00:25:36,390 --> 00:25:38,505
where I'm talking to Gabriel.
405
00:25:39,577 --> 00:25:43,312
And, um, he's a teenager.
406
00:25:43,681 --> 00:25:46,469
And I'm sitting on the edge
of his bed, and...
407
00:25:46,844 --> 00:25:48,984
His little mustache.
408
00:25:49,291 --> 00:25:51,375
And his feet smell.
409
00:25:51,869 --> 00:25:53,880
He's listening to music.
410
00:25:55,182 --> 00:25:57,961
And he keeps saying,
"Go away, Mom.
411
00:25:58,197 --> 00:25:59,963
Leave me alone."
412
00:26:00,815 --> 00:26:02,930
I know that's what he needs.
413
00:26:04,645 --> 00:26:05,933
I just can't.
414
00:26:06,010 --> 00:26:08,130
I can't leave.
415
00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:13,018
Keeps telling me to go,
and I just can't get off...
416
00:26:13,431 --> 00:26:15,130
off the bed.
417
00:26:21,807 --> 00:26:24,047
And he's so angry at me.
418
00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:27,484
And his skin is still so gray.
419
00:26:36,015 --> 00:26:37,515
Anyway...
420
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:42,225
You know, some days,
I'm-I'm proud
421
00:26:42,302 --> 00:26:44,148
of the life that I've built.
422
00:26:44,515 --> 00:26:47,610
You know, I have my daughter
and my career, and...
423
00:26:47,687 --> 00:26:50,098
I've grown, persevered.
424
00:26:55,085 --> 00:26:57,398
And I think he'd be
proud of me, too.
425
00:26:59,182 --> 00:27:02,001
And then sometimes, it just
feels like a giant charade,
426
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:04,050
and I'm still the same
427
00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:06,100
broken person I was
at the hospital,
428
00:27:06,177 --> 00:27:08,617
the same empty shell
at his funeral,
429
00:27:09,182 --> 00:27:11,399
and this is all a joke
I've been playing on myself.
430
00:27:11,476 --> 00:27:15,388
This life that
I am trying to live.
431
00:27:21,136 --> 00:27:22,803
No, I...
432
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,297
What are you doing?
433
00:28:15,541 --> 00:28:17,347
What's it look like I'm doing?
434
00:28:18,390 --> 00:28:20,255
I want you to dance with me.
435
00:28:25,599 --> 00:28:27,937
Come on. It's my favorite song.
436
00:28:30,765 --> 00:28:34,100
♪ Azúcar morena ♪
437
00:28:34,177 --> 00:28:37,484
♪ Es tu piel ♪
438
00:28:39,182 --> 00:28:42,753
♪ Tus besos me saben ♪
439
00:28:42,830 --> 00:28:44,831
♪ A pura miel... ♪
440
00:28:44,908 --> 00:28:46,939
What happens
to people like us?
441
00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:49,179
What do you mean?
442
00:28:50,775 --> 00:28:53,445
The ones who can't
be forgiven.
443
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,880
The shrinks will say
we have to forgive ourselves.
444
00:29:00,751 --> 00:29:02,502
I can't.
445
00:29:05,549 --> 00:29:09,386
But if you don't,
if you don't, then...
446
00:29:09,463 --> 00:29:11,524
what's the rest
of your life?
447
00:29:11,601 --> 00:29:13,211
One long penance?
448
00:29:17,246 --> 00:29:20,781
My mom believes
that we live multiple lives
449
00:29:21,099 --> 00:29:23,243
and that each one
is a step toward,
450
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,064
you know, nirvana, I guess.
451
00:29:27,369 --> 00:29:28,984
Perfection.
452
00:29:30,848 --> 00:29:34,172
We just keep coming back
until we get it right.
453
00:29:37,861 --> 00:29:41,297
Maybe this is as far
as I come in this life.
454
00:29:43,788 --> 00:29:47,570
So you're just waiting to die?
455
00:29:49,752 --> 00:29:52,250
Aren't you?
456
00:29:52,650 --> 00:29:54,702
If you're really
being honest with yourself?
457
00:29:54,779 --> 00:29:59,156
♪ Azúcar morena es tu piel ♪
458
00:29:59,543 --> 00:30:01,252
No.
459
00:30:01,558 --> 00:30:04,653
♪ Es tu bella voz ♪
460
00:30:04,730 --> 00:30:05,932
I want to live.
461
00:30:06,009 --> 00:30:11,220
♪ Que retumba en mi ser ♪
462
00:30:21,974 --> 00:30:23,893
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
463
00:30:23,970 --> 00:30:25,462
- No. Wait.
- No. Don't think...
464
00:30:25,539 --> 00:30:26,753
What do you want?
465
00:30:26,830 --> 00:30:29,492
Alison, you tell me.
466
00:30:31,783 --> 00:30:33,482
I'll do whatever
you want.
467
00:30:35,833 --> 00:30:38,408
Alison,
what do you want?
468
00:30:45,502 --> 00:30:48,967
♪ Azúcar morena ♪
469
00:30:49,044 --> 00:30:51,326
♪ Es tu piel... ♪
470
00:30:53,902 --> 00:30:55,323
Let's go to your bedroom.
471
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:56,791
No, no, no, no, no.
472
00:30:58,031 --> 00:30:59,838
I have a better idea.
473
00:31:02,287 --> 00:31:06,758
♪ En secreto ♪
474
00:31:06,835 --> 00:31:10,326
♪ Podré entregarme ♪
475
00:31:12,877 --> 00:31:16,527
♪ Azúcar, azúcar ♪
476
00:31:16,604 --> 00:31:18,484
♪ Tu piel... ♪
477
00:31:21,585 --> 00:31:22,962
Wait, wait, wait.
478
00:31:24,629 --> 00:31:26,965
Don't mess with my heart, okay?
479
00:31:27,042 --> 00:31:29,081
I can't handle any more pain.
480
00:31:29,668 --> 00:31:31,417
I know.
481
00:31:31,645 --> 00:31:33,063
I won't.
482
00:31:33,294 --> 00:31:34,793
Promise?
483
00:31:36,363 --> 00:31:40,510
- ♪ Es tu bella voz ♪
- I promise.
484
00:31:40,587 --> 00:31:45,806
♪ Que manipulan mi miel ♪
485
00:31:57,344 --> 00:31:58,658
You know
what I want?
486
00:31:58,735 --> 00:32:00,112
What?
487
00:32:01,081 --> 00:32:02,433
This.
488
00:32:02,980 --> 00:32:04,612
For days.
489
00:32:05,138 --> 00:32:06,637
Forever.
490
00:32:09,668 --> 00:32:11,681
Well, maybe you'll get it.
491
00:32:21,659 --> 00:32:22,947
I want to go clean up.
492
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:24,842
No, no, not yet.
493
00:32:24,919 --> 00:32:25,998
No.
494
00:32:26,075 --> 00:32:27,583
I'm tired.
495
00:32:27,970 --> 00:32:30,673
Let me do the dishes,
and then we can go to bed.
496
00:32:35,294 --> 00:32:36,547
Okay.
497
00:33:00,354 --> 00:33:03,587
♪ There's a man
who walks beside me ♪
498
00:33:03,664 --> 00:33:06,175
♪ He is who I used to be ♪
499
00:33:06,252 --> 00:33:09,150
♪ And I wonder
if she sees him ♪
500
00:33:09,227 --> 00:33:12,013
♪ And confuses him with me ♪
501
00:33:12,224 --> 00:33:15,197
♪ And I wonder
who she's pining for ♪
502
00:33:15,274 --> 00:33:17,597
♪ On nights I'm not around ♪
503
00:33:17,674 --> 00:33:19,599
♪ Could it be the man ♪
504
00:33:19,731 --> 00:33:23,336
♪ Who did the things
I'm living down? ♪
505
00:33:25,831 --> 00:33:28,579
♪ I was rougher
than the timber ♪
506
00:33:28,656 --> 00:33:31,479
♪ Shipping out
of Fond du Lac... ♪
507
00:33:51,287 --> 00:33:53,628
♪ But the night I fell
in love with her ♪
508
00:33:53,705 --> 00:33:56,275
♪ I made my weakness known ♪
509
00:33:56,352 --> 00:33:59,188
♪ To the fighters
and the farmers... ♪
510
00:34:01,930 --> 00:34:04,500
- Ow!
- ♪ The jealous innuendos ♪
511
00:34:04,577 --> 00:34:07,403
♪ Of the
lonely-hearted men... ♪
512
00:34:15,581 --> 00:34:17,873
♪ Well, you couldn't
stay a loner ♪
513
00:34:17,950 --> 00:34:20,875
♪ On the plains
before the war ♪
514
00:34:20,952 --> 00:34:23,632
♪ When my neighbors
took to slightin' me ♪
515
00:34:23,709 --> 00:34:26,888
♪ I had to ask what for ♪
516
00:34:26,965 --> 00:34:29,373
♪ Rumors of my wickedness ♪
517
00:34:29,450 --> 00:34:31,823
♪ Had reached our little town ♪
518
00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:34,686
♪ Soon she'd heard
about the boys... ♪
519
00:34:34,851 --> 00:34:36,085
Hi.
520
00:34:37,689 --> 00:34:38,862
Hi.
521
00:34:39,044 --> 00:34:40,159
Can I come in?
522
00:34:40,385 --> 00:34:42,759
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
523
00:34:45,529 --> 00:34:47,186
Didn't you hear me knocking?
524
00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:50,009
Uh, no, uh...
525
00:34:50,086 --> 00:34:51,641
Sorry, I had the music up.
526
00:34:56,238 --> 00:34:57,405
What happened to your hand?
527
00:34:57,482 --> 00:34:59,331
- Uh, it's fine. It's...
- You okay? Let me see.
528
00:34:59,408 --> 00:35:01,239
No, it's fine.
It's just, I need a Band-Aid.
529
00:35:02,471 --> 00:35:04,180
You know, a stubborn
streak like that
530
00:35:04,257 --> 00:35:05,845
will get you
killed in combat.
531
00:35:26,336 --> 00:35:27,366
So?
532
00:35:27,444 --> 00:35:28,444
So.
533
00:35:28,522 --> 00:35:29,796
So, what
happened to you?
534
00:35:29,873 --> 00:35:30,922
Why'd you stand me up?
535
00:35:30,999 --> 00:35:32,756
I went to L.A.
for the weekend.
536
00:35:32,833 --> 00:35:33,955
Why?
537
00:35:34,827 --> 00:35:35,924
To visit a friend.
538
00:35:36,001 --> 00:35:38,483
You didn't call and tell me
you changed your plans?
539
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:39,985
I mean, I waited
outside that yoga studio
540
00:35:40,062 --> 00:35:41,559
for an hour, Alison.
541
00:35:43,336 --> 00:35:44,545
Why don't you sit?
542
00:35:44,622 --> 00:35:47,484
Um, I'll make us some tea.
543
00:35:53,085 --> 00:35:54,966
I thought we were
going out to dinner.
544
00:35:55,130 --> 00:35:58,665
No, I just wanted to talk
to you for a bit first.
545
00:35:58,742 --> 00:35:59,856
I'm really hungry.
546
00:35:59,933 --> 00:36:01,168
Won't take long.
547
00:36:01,376 --> 00:36:04,189
Um, let me take your wet coat.
548
00:36:23,050 --> 00:36:24,679
So, about the other night, I...
549
00:36:24,756 --> 00:36:26,943
Before you talk,
can I say something first?
550
00:36:29,704 --> 00:36:31,086
Of course.
551
00:36:33,129 --> 00:36:35,491
Uh, you can't do stuff
like that to me.
552
00:36:37,002 --> 00:36:39,004
- Stuff like what?
- Stand me up.
553
00:36:39,081 --> 00:36:40,349
Not call me
for four days.
554
00:36:40,426 --> 00:36:42,610
I mean, it's taken a lot
for me to trust you.
555
00:36:42,687 --> 00:36:45,511
Okay, I'm making myself really
vulnerable here, you know?
556
00:36:48,892 --> 00:36:51,728
Uh, yeah, yeah, I-I know. I...
557
00:36:51,805 --> 00:36:53,981
Okay. Good.
558
00:36:54,162 --> 00:36:57,191
I... I just had
to say that.
559
00:36:58,254 --> 00:37:00,034
What do you want
to talk about?
560
00:37:09,249 --> 00:37:11,239
Alison, what's going on?
561
00:37:12,325 --> 00:37:14,001
Are you okay?
562
00:37:14,951 --> 00:37:16,967
Uh, yeah, I just wanted
to ask some questions.
563
00:37:17,044 --> 00:37:18,326
I just...
564
00:37:19,109 --> 00:37:20,844
You know, it occurred
to me we don't really
565
00:37:20,921 --> 00:37:22,842
know that much
about each other.
566
00:37:23,166 --> 00:37:25,633
Yeah, like, uh, I had no idea
567
00:37:25,710 --> 00:37:27,516
you knew anyone in California.
568
00:37:29,430 --> 00:37:31,329
Of course.
569
00:37:32,089 --> 00:37:34,465
What do you want to talk about?
I'll tell you anything.
570
00:37:36,543 --> 00:37:39,042
Okay. Okay.
571
00:37:42,394 --> 00:37:44,135
Um...
572
00:37:45,437 --> 00:37:47,052
Where'd you grow up?
573
00:37:49,052 --> 00:37:50,302
The Bronx.
574
00:37:51,355 --> 00:37:53,228
What's your family like?
575
00:37:54,085 --> 00:37:56,883
I'm, uh, the third of four.
576
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:58,703
Four boys and a girl.
577
00:38:00,551 --> 00:38:01,798
Where are your parents?
578
00:38:01,875 --> 00:38:04,162
My dad still
lives on 186th,
579
00:38:04,682 --> 00:38:06,334
and my mom is dead.
580
00:38:06,627 --> 00:38:09,126
She died of leukemia
when I was 21.
581
00:38:11,710 --> 00:38:13,021
- Sorry. I...
- It's okay.
582
00:38:13,098 --> 00:38:14,717
Um, anything else?
583
00:38:16,414 --> 00:38:18,863
Um, yeah.
Where do you live now?
584
00:38:20,530 --> 00:38:22,070
Hicksville,
but you know that already.
585
00:38:22,147 --> 00:38:23,326
Who do you live with?
586
00:38:23,790 --> 00:38:24,793
What?
587
00:38:25,047 --> 00:38:26,556
- What do you mean?
- Do you have
588
00:38:26,633 --> 00:38:29,124
a roommate or, you know,
family, any...?
589
00:38:29,201 --> 00:38:31,058
Wh-Where are these
questions coming from?
590
00:38:31,135 --> 00:38:32,266
I'm just... just curious.
591
00:38:32,343 --> 00:38:33,793
- It's just...
- This have to do with Cole?
592
00:38:33,870 --> 00:38:35,004
Cole? What? No.
593
00:38:35,081 --> 00:38:36,605
You know what's fucked-up
about that guy?
594
00:38:36,682 --> 00:38:38,740
- About Cole?
- Yeah, he-he came
595
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:40,712
to an AA meeting,
but he's not an addict, is he?
596
00:38:40,789 --> 00:38:42,626
- Not that I'm aware of, no.
- Well, that's bullshit.
597
00:38:42,703 --> 00:38:44,970
Well, I'm sure he had
a good reason for being there.
598
00:38:45,047 --> 00:38:46,745
It's a little perverse,
don't you think?
599
00:38:46,823 --> 00:38:48,444
Those meetings
are vulnerable spaces.
600
00:38:48,521 --> 00:38:50,350
The guys really have
to trust each other.
601
00:38:52,105 --> 00:38:53,895
I-I'm happy
to keep talking.
602
00:38:53,972 --> 00:38:56,223
I just need something to eat.
I'm really starving.
603
00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:58,770
Uh, sure.
I-I can make you
604
00:38:58,847 --> 00:39:01,050
some eggs or...
605
00:39:01,281 --> 00:39:02,402
uh, maybe some...
606
00:39:02,479 --> 00:39:03,808
I have, uh...
607
00:39:04,002 --> 00:39:05,449
crackers and cheese?
608
00:39:05,526 --> 00:39:07,187
Yeah, yeah, anything.
609
00:39:34,879 --> 00:39:36,018
Have you ever been married?
610
00:39:38,191 --> 00:39:39,709
Why are you asking me that?
611
00:39:39,786 --> 00:39:40,853
It's just a question.
612
00:39:40,930 --> 00:39:42,753
What happened in California?
613
00:39:44,461 --> 00:39:46,326
Who's this friend
you went to go see?
614
00:39:48,666 --> 00:39:50,107
Went to see my ex-husband.
615
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:54,921
Okay. How'd that go?
616
00:39:55,045 --> 00:39:56,056
Fine.
617
00:39:56,134 --> 00:39:58,450
Well, he must have said
something that upset you.
618
00:39:58,527 --> 00:40:00,396
No, that's not
what this is about.
619
00:40:01,285 --> 00:40:02,759
Are you sure?
620
00:40:03,068 --> 00:40:05,087
It just seemed like everything
was fine last week,
621
00:40:05,164 --> 00:40:07,462
and then you stand me up,
flee to California
622
00:40:07,539 --> 00:40:09,469
and talk to your ex?
623
00:40:09,546 --> 00:40:11,333
Suddenly,
I'm the bad guy?
624
00:40:18,842 --> 00:40:20,658
Ben, are you married?
625
00:40:23,562 --> 00:40:26,054
Why would I be here
if I was married?
626
00:40:32,044 --> 00:40:33,664
Have you ever...
627
00:40:34,252 --> 00:40:35,618
Have you ever been married?
628
00:40:35,695 --> 00:40:37,520
- No.
- Do you live alone?
629
00:40:37,597 --> 00:40:38,640
Yes.
630
00:40:50,502 --> 00:40:51,883
Do you have kids?
631
00:40:53,907 --> 00:40:55,014
No.
632
00:41:02,143 --> 00:41:03,962
What kind of tea do you want?
633
00:41:28,419 --> 00:41:30,110
I don't want tea.
634
00:41:34,086 --> 00:41:35,392
Hey.
635
00:41:39,294 --> 00:41:41,041
What's going on?
636
00:41:42,111 --> 00:41:43,899
What happened?
637
00:41:44,502 --> 00:41:46,568
You don't
trust me anymore.
638
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:58,573
This thing that's
happening between us
639
00:41:59,543 --> 00:42:01,828
doesn't happen
to me all the time.
640
00:42:02,211 --> 00:42:03,931
Does it happen to you?
641
00:42:14,211 --> 00:42:16,451
So, why are you trying
to fuck it up?
642
00:42:26,313 --> 00:42:28,541
You don't even know me, Ben.
643
00:42:29,207 --> 00:42:30,522
Yes, I do.
644
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:32,089
And I don't know you.
645
00:42:55,220 --> 00:42:57,994
I-I've been in love
twice in my life.
646
00:42:58,816 --> 00:43:00,749
- Am I one of them?
- No.
647
00:43:01,845 --> 00:43:03,783
Okay. Your two exes,
I assume.
648
00:43:03,860 --> 00:43:05,044
Yes.
649
00:43:05,437 --> 00:43:06,777
They were really
different loves,
650
00:43:06,854 --> 00:43:08,840
but they had
something in common.
651
00:43:09,786 --> 00:43:11,753
I-I felt kind of like the victim
652
00:43:11,830 --> 00:43:13,287
in both situations.
653
00:43:17,583 --> 00:43:18,583
Okay.
654
00:43:18,894 --> 00:43:20,118
How so?
655
00:43:22,662 --> 00:43:25,902
Well, my... with my first,
with Cole, I was...
656
00:43:27,178 --> 00:43:28,622
I was always a mess.
657
00:43:28,699 --> 00:43:32,349
He was always the solid one,
and I was always falling apart.
658
00:43:32,991 --> 00:43:36,522
And I convinced myself that he
would one day cheat on me.
659
00:43:37,169 --> 00:43:39,615
So, instead, I...
I cheated on him.
660
00:43:41,591 --> 00:43:45,019
And even after it was over,
I still told myself
661
00:43:45,096 --> 00:43:46,932
that he was to blame.
662
00:43:47,676 --> 00:43:50,800
I told myself that he
had driven me to do it
663
00:43:50,877 --> 00:43:53,293
because he was
so unfeeling, so rigid.
664
00:43:53,370 --> 00:43:55,259
After our son died, he...
665
00:43:55,411 --> 00:43:57,384
he made me carry the grief
for both of us,
666
00:43:57,461 --> 00:43:59,039
so what choice
did I have, really?
667
00:43:59,116 --> 00:44:00,822
- You didn't.
- Then, with Noah,
668
00:44:00,899 --> 00:44:02,296
it was the opposite.
He was the dreamer.
669
00:44:02,373 --> 00:44:04,447
He was the dramatic one.
He... I was the homebody.
670
00:44:04,524 --> 00:44:07,356
He said that I grounded him,
and yet I cheated on him, too.
671
00:44:08,463 --> 00:44:12,320
And yet again,
I convinced myself
672
00:44:12,397 --> 00:44:13,602
that I was not to blame,
673
00:44:13,679 --> 00:44:16,421
because he had abandoned me
for his career, his ambition,
674
00:44:16,498 --> 00:44:19,065
so... what else could I do?
675
00:44:19,142 --> 00:44:21,141
Okay. What are you
trying to say?
676
00:44:21,218 --> 00:44:24,017
I-I-I just... I just think
that sometimes we get
677
00:44:24,094 --> 00:44:27,587
into these patterns in life,
and we tell ourselves a story
678
00:44:27,664 --> 00:44:28,990
about what kind of person
we are
679
00:44:29,067 --> 00:44:33,211
and how people treat us,
and it's not always true.
680
00:44:34,189 --> 00:44:37,294
And... and as painful
as it's been to really
681
00:44:37,371 --> 00:44:40,658
own up to my faults
and to recognize that...
682
00:44:40,919 --> 00:44:43,622
I contributed to these
relationships falling apart,
683
00:44:43,699 --> 00:44:46,361
it's also...
684
00:44:46,442 --> 00:44:48,035
it's been really...
685
00:44:55,466 --> 00:44:58,770
Made me like myself in a way
that I never did before.
686
00:45:08,791 --> 00:45:09,916
Ben?
687
00:45:18,710 --> 00:45:20,984
Ben, please just
be honest with me.
688
00:45:22,104 --> 00:45:23,855
I can take it.
689
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:41,992
Just tell me who you are.
690
00:45:43,854 --> 00:45:45,677
Tell me the truth.
691
00:46:07,352 --> 00:46:09,117
You want to know
who I am?
692
00:46:10,394 --> 00:46:11,603
Hmm?
693
00:46:12,793 --> 00:46:14,098
Really?
694
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:16,694
Yes.
695
00:46:20,484 --> 00:46:22,232
Okay. All right.
696
00:46:24,500 --> 00:46:25,791
You...
697
00:46:29,445 --> 00:46:31,425
What are you doing?
698
00:46:31,502 --> 00:46:33,610
I'm gonna need
a drink for this.
699
00:46:35,999 --> 00:46:37,646
Ben, don't.
700
00:46:38,184 --> 00:46:39,925
It's fine, Alison.
701
00:46:52,879 --> 00:46:55,123
I haven't told you
what I did, have I?
702
00:46:56,329 --> 00:46:57,733
What do you mean?
703
00:46:59,383 --> 00:47:00,995
During the war.
704
00:47:03,695 --> 00:47:04,741
No.
705
00:47:05,444 --> 00:47:06,629
Are you comfortable?
706
00:47:06,706 --> 00:47:07,837
Maybe you should sit.
707
00:47:07,914 --> 00:47:09,647
I'm... fine.
708
00:47:11,142 --> 00:47:12,359
Good.
709
00:47:13,017 --> 00:47:14,548
This may take a while.
710
00:47:19,397 --> 00:47:20,962
I was deployed for too long.
711
00:47:21,039 --> 00:47:22,864
Only four months home.
712
00:47:23,211 --> 00:47:25,131
Half of which I spent
in the fucking hospital
713
00:47:25,208 --> 00:47:28,942
because a fucking IED
took off both my buddy's legs
714
00:47:29,019 --> 00:47:30,840
and all the skin off mine.
715
00:47:33,096 --> 00:47:35,853
But then I was right back
in the sandbox.
716
00:47:37,032 --> 00:47:39,272
I mean, I barely had time
to visit my father
717
00:47:39,349 --> 00:47:41,178
before they shipped me back out.
718
00:47:42,788 --> 00:47:44,530
Six months into
my second deployment,
719
00:47:44,607 --> 00:47:46,483
I didn't give a shit anymore.
720
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:47,527
I was done.
721
00:47:47,604 --> 00:47:49,027
All the other guys,
they were all,
722
00:47:49,104 --> 00:47:50,777
"Oh, I'm part of a machine
that never loses.
723
00:47:50,854 --> 00:47:51,889
I'm a U.S. Marine."
724
00:47:51,966 --> 00:47:54,454
Now, I was like,
"We're losing, assholes.
725
00:47:54,531 --> 00:47:56,680
We fucking lost."
726
00:47:59,763 --> 00:48:01,400
Everyone knew it.
727
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:03,432
Even the president knew it.
728
00:48:03,835 --> 00:48:06,439
But there I was again,
back in the shit.
729
00:48:06,917 --> 00:48:08,800
More counter-insurgency
nonsense,
730
00:48:08,877 --> 00:48:10,964
where they can shoot us
but we can't shoot them.
731
00:48:12,223 --> 00:48:13,571
Ben, stop.
732
00:48:13,826 --> 00:48:17,110
Let me finish, please.
733
00:48:20,823 --> 00:48:21,866
We took a Humvee
734
00:48:21,943 --> 00:48:23,967
out of the base
one morning to get fuel.
735
00:48:24,044 --> 00:48:25,505
It was a stupid
thing to do.
736
00:48:25,582 --> 00:48:28,210
It was one of those orders
that comes from above.
737
00:48:29,209 --> 00:48:32,248
Everyone knows it's
a fucking suicide mission,
738
00:48:32,325 --> 00:48:34,962
and I was like,
"Let it come.
739
00:48:35,426 --> 00:48:37,337
If I can't go home
in an airplane,
740
00:48:37,414 --> 00:48:39,258
then I'll go home in a casket."
741
00:48:44,668 --> 00:48:46,342
This kid...
742
00:48:46,997 --> 00:48:50,842
he came running towards us
with a burnt-out RPG.
743
00:48:50,919 --> 00:48:53,477
He must have found it
discarded somewhere, and...
744
00:48:53,579 --> 00:48:55,274
and he pointed it at me.
745
00:48:56,044 --> 00:48:58,041
He was just playing around.
746
00:48:59,578 --> 00:49:01,107
But I killed him.
747
00:49:02,184 --> 00:49:03,486
You what?
748
00:49:06,002 --> 00:49:07,872
Yeah. I shot him.
749
00:49:09,919 --> 00:49:11,252
Wait.
750
00:49:11,336 --> 00:49:13,536
But you knew he was unarmed.
751
00:49:13,871 --> 00:49:15,159
Yeah.
752
00:49:17,530 --> 00:49:19,587
Yeah, I mean, there was
no grenade attached.
753
00:49:19,664 --> 00:49:21,200
I could see that.
754
00:49:22,216 --> 00:49:24,096
But you shot him anyway?
755
00:49:27,240 --> 00:49:28,453
Yes.
756
00:49:31,793 --> 00:49:32,920
Why?
757
00:49:35,752 --> 00:49:38,080
I think I just wanted
to go home.
758
00:49:44,501 --> 00:49:45,654
So there.
759
00:49:46,633 --> 00:49:48,178
Now you know me.
760
00:49:48,698 --> 00:49:50,769
That's who I am.
761
00:49:54,585 --> 00:49:55,672
Are you sorry?
762
00:49:55,749 --> 00:49:57,657
Of course I'm sorry.
763
00:49:59,137 --> 00:50:01,014
But it wasn't my fucking fault.
764
00:50:01,091 --> 00:50:02,892
That kid was old enough
to know what he was doing.
765
00:50:02,969 --> 00:50:05,060
He shouldn't have been playing
with a fucking gun.
766
00:50:05,137 --> 00:50:07,299
But you knew it wasn't
an actual weapon.
767
00:50:07,461 --> 00:50:09,382
So, why'd you do it?
768
00:50:11,993 --> 00:50:14,523
Why do you kill an ant, Alison?
769
00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:16,094
Why do you kill a mouse?
770
00:50:16,964 --> 00:50:18,342
Because you don't
fucking want it
771
00:50:18,419 --> 00:50:19,611
running around your house.
772
00:50:19,688 --> 00:50:21,808
Because you don't want it
bothering you.
773
00:50:30,940 --> 00:50:32,140
Okay.
774
00:50:43,957 --> 00:50:45,563
Ben, it's getting late.
775
00:50:47,238 --> 00:50:48,793
I think maybe
I should go to bed.
776
00:50:48,870 --> 00:50:50,807
Fantastic. I'll join you.
777
00:50:50,884 --> 00:50:52,832
No, I-I want to be alone.
778
00:50:52,919 --> 00:50:54,204
Why?
779
00:50:54,933 --> 00:50:57,825
I-I'm just...
it's just been a long week,
780
00:50:57,902 --> 00:51:00,212
- and I'm... I'm really tired.
- Tired of fucking your
781
00:51:00,289 --> 00:51:02,174
- ex-husband in California?
- Oh, my God, no.
782
00:51:02,251 --> 00:51:03,415
- That's not what happened.
- Come on, Alison.
783
00:51:03,492 --> 00:51:04,620
Okay, you don't have
to believe me.
784
00:51:04,697 --> 00:51:05,746
Good, because I don't.
785
00:51:05,823 --> 00:51:07,693
Okay, Ben, I just
want you to go.
786
00:51:09,606 --> 00:51:11,461
What's going on?
787
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:14,487
Last week was fine.
788
00:51:14,564 --> 00:51:17,133
You go to California,
you come back a different person.
789
00:51:17,901 --> 00:51:19,587
I'm a different person?
What about you?
790
00:51:19,664 --> 00:51:21,451
- I mean...
- This is who I am.
791
00:51:21,652 --> 00:51:24,327
This is who I've always been.
You're just peeling the onion.
792
00:51:24,404 --> 00:51:27,565
Yeah, but you didn't tell me
that you're, uh...
793
00:51:28,143 --> 00:51:30,026
What? What,
I didn't tell you
794
00:51:30,103 --> 00:51:31,187
what happened
in the sandbox?
795
00:51:31,264 --> 00:51:32,502
I'm sorry, I was
building up to that.
796
00:51:32,579 --> 00:51:34,087
- It's not exactly first-date material.
- No,
797
00:51:34,164 --> 00:51:35,391
- you didn't tell me that...
- What?
798
00:51:35,468 --> 00:51:36,471
Nothing, okay?
799
00:51:36,548 --> 00:51:38,296
I just want you to leave.
800
00:51:38,373 --> 00:51:39,587
I don't want this.
801
00:51:39,664 --> 00:51:41,284
You don't want what?
802
00:51:43,919 --> 00:51:45,409
You don't want this?
803
00:51:51,639 --> 00:51:53,097
Or this?
804
00:52:03,390 --> 00:52:04,777
No.
805
00:52:09,364 --> 00:52:10,526
Please go.
806
00:52:21,917 --> 00:52:24,911
I can't believe
you're doing this.
807
00:52:25,169 --> 00:52:28,825
Why are you fucking doing this?
808
00:52:41,359 --> 00:52:44,159
Ben, please, I...
809
00:52:44,523 --> 00:52:46,116
I just need a minute.
810
00:52:46,543 --> 00:52:48,169
Okay?
811
00:52:52,435 --> 00:52:54,979
I need you, Alison.
812
00:52:57,088 --> 00:52:58,869
I'm in so much pain.
813
00:53:13,452 --> 00:53:15,276
I know it scares you.
814
00:53:16,242 --> 00:53:17,532
It scares me, too,
815
00:53:17,609 --> 00:53:19,855
but we could be good together.
816
00:53:21,315 --> 00:53:22,676
I know.
817
00:53:27,344 --> 00:53:29,167
You can do this.
818
00:53:31,485 --> 00:53:34,481
Yes, you can.
We both can.
819
00:53:34,558 --> 00:53:36,691
- We both can.
- No.
820
00:53:37,540 --> 00:53:40,300
I need you so badly.
821
00:53:40,377 --> 00:53:42,117
I just need this.
822
00:53:43,793 --> 00:53:45,545
I need this, Alison.
I need you.
823
00:53:45,622 --> 00:53:46,777
You need to go home.
824
00:53:46,854 --> 00:53:48,050
Just give me a minute.
825
00:53:48,127 --> 00:53:49,795
- Please. No.
- Just give me a minute.
826
00:53:49,872 --> 00:53:51,501
Just go home
to your fucking wife.
827
00:53:54,663 --> 00:53:56,253
Go home to who?
828
00:53:58,461 --> 00:54:00,107
What did you say?
829
00:54:03,937 --> 00:54:05,935
What do you know
about my wife, Alison?
830
00:54:06,012 --> 00:54:07,212
I met her, you asshole.
831
00:54:07,289 --> 00:54:08,252
You what?
832
00:54:09,087 --> 00:54:10,105
When?
833
00:54:10,552 --> 00:54:12,261
Last week at your office.
834
00:54:12,338 --> 00:54:13,860
Did you tell her about...
835
00:54:13,937 --> 00:54:16,297
No, but I will.
I swear.
836
00:54:16,374 --> 00:54:17,903
If you don't get out
of here right now.
837
00:54:17,980 --> 00:54:20,334
If you ever fucking
say anything to Heidi...
838
00:54:20,411 --> 00:54:21,838
So just leave, and I won't.
839
00:54:21,915 --> 00:54:24,243
And we never have to see
each other again, okay?
840
00:54:30,419 --> 00:54:32,524
You seduced me.
841
00:54:32,612 --> 00:54:35,196
I told you I was sober.
842
00:54:35,273 --> 00:54:36,590
- Ben.
- I told you I couldn't
843
00:54:36,667 --> 00:54:39,225
get involved with anyone,
but you wouldn't leave me alone.
844
00:54:39,302 --> 00:54:40,177
That's not true.
845
00:54:40,254 --> 00:54:41,816
- I didn't want this.
- Yes, you did.
846
00:54:41,893 --> 00:54:44,009
I'm fucking drinking again
because of you.
847
00:54:44,348 --> 00:54:46,925
Why don't you admit
what you are, huh?
848
00:54:48,026 --> 00:54:49,148
What I am?
849
00:54:49,258 --> 00:54:50,596
You broke up
two marriages.
850
00:54:50,673 --> 00:54:52,681
What, that wasn't
enough for you?
851
00:54:53,783 --> 00:54:55,897
Say this is your fault.
852
00:54:57,401 --> 00:54:58,957
And then I'll leave.
853
00:55:04,156 --> 00:55:06,287
I don't owe you a thing.
854
00:55:06,817 --> 00:55:08,188
You're an adult.
855
00:55:08,705 --> 00:55:10,415
I didn't seduce you.
856
00:55:10,721 --> 00:55:13,925
And even if I did, I'm allowed
to change my fucking mind.
857
00:55:14,002 --> 00:55:15,305
Now, get the fuck out
of my house
858
00:55:15,382 --> 00:55:16,962
before I call your fucking wife.
859
00:56:15,294 --> 00:56:17,200
What are you gonna do, Ben?
860
00:56:19,148 --> 00:56:20,972
You gonna kill me?
861
00:56:21,829 --> 00:56:23,861
You think that scares me?
862
00:56:26,068 --> 00:56:27,599
My son died.
863
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:31,042
He died in my fucking arms.
864
00:56:37,073 --> 00:56:39,337
So, what in God's name
do you think you can do to me
865
00:56:39,414 --> 00:56:41,081
that I haven't done
to myself...
866
00:56:42,585 --> 00:56:44,102
a million times?
867
00:56:47,375 --> 00:56:50,606
I have been in pain
my entire life.
868
00:56:52,710 --> 00:56:54,207
And maybe that's
what makes people
869
00:56:54,284 --> 00:56:55,814
think that I'm weak.
870
00:56:57,054 --> 00:56:59,227
And maybe that
makes people treat me
871
00:56:59,304 --> 00:57:03,913
like some sort of receptacle
for all their grief and rage.
872
00:57:05,835 --> 00:57:07,696
And disappointment.
873
00:57:10,085 --> 00:57:12,494
But I am fucking sick of it.
874
00:57:17,255 --> 00:57:19,812
I just want to live
a different life.
875
00:57:20,900 --> 00:57:23,679
I want to live
a different story.
876
00:57:24,352 --> 00:57:26,075
I'm still young.
877
00:57:27,668 --> 00:57:29,391
I can be someone else.
878
00:57:29,468 --> 00:57:31,517
Someone who deserves love.
879
00:57:34,218 --> 00:57:36,341
Someone who can be happy.
59934
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