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1
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(LIGHTER CLICKS)
2
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,259
(WINDING MUSIC BOX)
3
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,863
("ALL OUT OF LOVE" PLAYING)
4
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,385
(SNIFFING)
5
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,103
(BOTTLES CLATTERING)
6
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,061
DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine.
7
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,773
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
8
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,940
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
9
00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,071
What a dick.
10
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,361
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
11
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,738
I'm dying in this one, too.
12
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,282
("X GON' GIVE IT TO YA" PLAYING)
13
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,748
DEADPOOL:
To understand why I took a cat-nap
14
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,917
on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel...
15
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,289
I need to take you back
16
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,713
to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago.
17
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,081
I'd gone international,
18
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,132
taking out mass murderers, gangsters,
19
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,585
unspeakable monsters.
20
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,678
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
21
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,844
I'm gonna touch them all over.
22
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,516
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
23
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,428
DEADPOOL:
Hey, it's Gail calling.
24
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,604
Love the shiny suit.
25
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,681
Really brings out
26
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,311
the sex trafficker in your eyes.
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
27
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,564
Whatever they're paying, I'll double it.
28
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,775
(IN ENGLISH) I don't speak Cantonese, Mister...
29
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,824
Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that.
30
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,527
But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
31
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,700
Where is the library?
32
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,823
Which literally translates to...
33
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,243
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
34
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,749
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)
35
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,461
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
36
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,047
(GUNS COCKING)
37
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,139
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
38
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,431
I am so sorry.
39
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,100
I thought this was an anal-bleaching party.
40
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(GUNS FIRING)
41
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(GRUNTING)
42
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,808
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
43
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,063
(GASPS)
44
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:47,395
(SHUSHING)
45
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,988
(MEN LAUGHING)
46
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,166
Don't worry.
You're not going to die.
47
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,664
Although these will kill you.
48
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,745
Hit it, Dolly.
49
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,538
("9 TO 5" PLAYING)
50
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,256
(BOTH GRUNTING)
51
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,422
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
52
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,642
I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.
53
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,195
(MEN GROANING)
54
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:40,497
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
55
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,545
Whoo! Do not go in there!
56
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,349
Let's see Captain America do that.
57
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,018
(MEN CHEERING)
58
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,397
(CROWD CHEERING)
59
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,810
Too exotic?
60
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:31,794
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
61
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,508
I don't bargain.
62
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,131
(ALL GRUNTING)
63
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,899
Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out!
64
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,482
Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
65
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,317
Oh, that's so gross.
66
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:41,610
(GROANING)
67
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,740
Fuck.
68
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,747
Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.
69
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,869
I like it.
70
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,622
Oh, man!
71
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,882
DEADPOOL: My world tour brought me home
72
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,305
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
73
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:03,932
But we'll get to him in a moment.
74
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,350
'Cause I know what you're thinking.
75
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,224
"I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home."
76
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,555
But that's where you'd be wrong.
77
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,687
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
78
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:17,062
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
79
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,192
True story.
80
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,151
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
81
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:25,282
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
82
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:28,616
(CHUCKLING) Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
83
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,577
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
84
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,005
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
85
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,172
But this guy?
86
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,341
He was one of the worst of 'em.
87
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,504
Hurry up and open this fucking door,
88
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,679
and let's kill this motherfucker!
89
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:44,802
- (ALARM RINGING)
- (GUNSHOT)
90
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,049
(BODY THUDS)
91
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,431
Ugh. So gross.
92
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,267
A panic room? Really?
93
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,940
- Can you come out?
- (WATCH BEEPING)
94
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:01,114
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
95
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,493
(GUNS COCKING)
96
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,325
MAN: (ON RADIO)
Over and over, I hear people say,
97
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,873
"I just don't have enough confidence."
98
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,121
Listen, confidence is not something you have.
99
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,452
It's something you create.
(LAUGHS)
100
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,537
And you can create it at any moment in time.
101
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,335
A sense of confidence is nothing
102
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,711
but a sense of power within yourself...
103
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,667
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
104
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,798
DEADPOOL:
Start the fucking car!
105
00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:23,969
Dopinder!
106
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:25,592
Start the fucking car!
107
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,173
(SCREAMS)
108
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,604
MAN: Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him!
109
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,306
- Whoo!
- Oh, I shit my pants.
110
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,733
Actually, that may have been me.
111
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,025
Oh, mission accomplished?
112
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,195
Oh, in a George W. sort of way.
113
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,943
Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever.
114
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,444
DOPINDER:
Oh, you're living the dreams, DP.
115
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,651
It has been quite the run, Dopinder,
116
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:46,951
and who'da thought?
117
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,075
Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.
118
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,414
Passion of the Christ, then me.
119
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,706
At least domestically.
120
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:53,954
We beat them overseas,
121
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,002
where there's no such thing as religion.
122
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,250
I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy.
123
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,627
Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks.
124
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,501
- I want to fill my...
- Pockets?
125
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,758
What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?
126
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,134
Can't maintain an erection
127
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,635
without buying shoes online?
- (HORN HONKS)
128
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,721
I've never experienced that last one.
129
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,017
Talk to me, Goose.
130
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,892
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
131
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,941
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
132
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,601
- Dopinder...
- Hmm?
133
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,944
You never cease to surprise me.
134
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,070
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
135
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,776
We all need a sense of belonging.
136
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,611
We all need a genuine sense of home.
137
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,786
A place in this world.
138
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,159
I want to become a contract killer.
139
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,740
I'm sorry. What did you say?
140
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,038
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
141
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,414
and threatened him with great violence?
142
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,837
You kind of killed him.
143
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,664
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
144
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,873
Don't want to.
145
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,003
When Tom Cruise fed
146
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,881
10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood
147
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,131
for the first time...
148
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,589
and she looked up at his smooth,
149
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,890
handsome face and said...
150
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,426
"I want some more."
151
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:57,140
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
152
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,183
I'll never not picture that.
153
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,686
But I can't wait to never speak of this,
154
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,146
as soon as possible.
155
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,357
We're here.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
156
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,450
(GROANS)
157
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,082
Dopinder, it's me again.
158
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,830
Look, a saner man might discourage you
159
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,752
from joining the deadly merc business...
160
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,250
what, with your concave chest
161
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,956
and your paper towel tube arms.
162
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,712
But you're an eagle...
163
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,759
and goddamn it, an eagle's gotta soar.
164
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,178
You gotta grab those dreams,
165
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,846
grab those dreams by the dick tip...
166
00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:31,423
and make it rain!
167
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,383
I don't know what that means.
168
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,434
Me neither.
(BOTH LAUGH)
169
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,478
I'm gonna see you...
170
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,726
(EXCLAIMS)
171
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,148
at the office.
172
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:41,815
In the sky.
173
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,938
You're my Tom Cruise!
174
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,644
DEADPOOL:
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
175
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:45,979
Kristen? Kirsten?
176
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,827
Sorry I'm late.
177
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,449
There was a bunch of
178
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,577
handicapable children stuck in a tree...
179
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,908
and I had to, uh...
- Uh-uh.
180
00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,918
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
181
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,247
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
182
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,339
- No.
- You got me.
183
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,500
I was rounding up all the gluten in the world
184
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:08,756
and launching it into space...
185
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,837
where it can't not hurt us ever again.
186
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,176
Try again.
187
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,177
Diarrhea?
188
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,967
We can't be sure until I get this suit off...
189
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,019
but, uh, all signs point to yes.
190
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:21,931
Traffic?
191
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:23,604
Hmm?
192
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,402
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
193
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,478
Well, come here.
194
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,237
("TAKE ON ME" PLAYING)
195
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,118
(VANESSA MOANS)
196
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,951
I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit.
197
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,827
Don't you want your surprise?
198
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,754
Do I look like a patient burn victim?
199
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,790
I got one for you, too.
200
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,293
Happy anniversary, baby.
201
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,052
Open, open, open.
202
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,389
Skee-Ball token.
203
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,182
Our first date.
204
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,509
Yup.
205
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,558
That's genuine, high-grade lead.
206
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,354
I'll keep it forever.
(CHUCKLES)
207
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,230
Thank you, baby.
208
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,571
- Open yours.
- All right, all right.
209
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,782
Oh...
210
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,993
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
211
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,412
I don't know what this is.
212
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,989
My IUD.
213
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,365
A bomb?
214
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,247
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
215
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,790
What, you mean that your...
216
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,587
Baby factory's open for business.
217
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:27,755
Oh, my God!
(BOX CLATTERS)
218
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:31,217
- (VANESSA LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God! I want a boy!
219
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,136
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
220
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,219
Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name.
221
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,348
Like Cher or Todd.
222
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,846
You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.
223
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:43,930
Yes, I do.
224
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,765
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
225
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:46,849
Let's do that.
226
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,527
(SINGING) Papa...
227
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,401
Can you hear me?
228
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:56,200
Papa, can you see me?
229
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,779
Does this song sound familiar to you?
230
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,540
May.
231
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,004
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
232
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,581
(CHUCKLES)
233
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,042
So weird.
(LAUGHS)
234
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,548
Family was always an F-word to me.
235
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,265
My pile of shit father took off and bailed.
236
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,644
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
237
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,437
to draw off of for Todd.
238
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,224
Hey. Look at me.
239
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,565
You are not your father.
240
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,693
Besides...
241
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:39,494
I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.
242
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,487
But here's the thing,
243
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,118
isn't that how it always works?
244
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,950
Like in Star Wars,
245
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,081
men are destined to become their father...
246
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,834
and then have consensual sex with their sister?
247
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,336
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
248
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,469
No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.
249
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,171
Baby, that's Empire.
250
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,265
The point is, kids...
251
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,387
they give us a chance to be better than we are.
252
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,348
Better than we used to be.
253
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,434
You're a lot smarter than I look.
254
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:13,854
I'm gonna go make dessert.
255
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,316
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
256
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,944
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
257
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,581
VANESSA: What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
258
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,579
(TIMER TICKING)
It's too stripper-y.
259
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,160
Kevin with a "K"!
260
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,337
No, too stripper-y, too.
261
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,506
Uh, Earl!
262
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,171
(IN SLOW MOTION)
He's gonna go straight to jail
263
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,048
if we name him Earl.
264
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,380
What about Bruce?
265
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,553
No.
266
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,883
Get down.
267
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,343
What?
(GUN FIRES)
268
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,730
(ALL GRUNTING)
269
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,147
(GUN FIRING)
270
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,999
Baby? Baby?
271
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,376
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
272
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,677
I'm okay.
273
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,840
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
274
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,595
- (BOTH PANTING)
- (GASPS)
275
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,487
(INAUDIBLE)
276
00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,880
(MOUTHING) Please.
277
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,762
Please. Please.
278
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,890
Baby, I'm so sorry.
279
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,852
No!
280
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:21,485
(DINGS)
281
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:34,961
(PANTING)
282
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:42,093
(HORN BLARING)
(GRUNTS)
283
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,632
(TIRES SCREECHING)
284
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,518
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
285
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,571
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
286
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:03,947
(ENGINE STALLING)
287
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,153
(YELLS)
288
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,797
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
289
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,437
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
290
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,893
(HORN BLARES)
291
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,861
(WOMAN SINGING)
292
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,085
(SINGING)
Papa, can you hear me?
293
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,538
Is it just me, or does
294
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:25,373
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
from Frozen...
295
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:26,708
sound suspiciously like
296
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,714
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
from Yentl?
297
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,045
(SNIFFLES)
298
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:32,255
(SINGING)
Papa, can you hear me?
299
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,597
And nobody fucking realizes it.
300
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,223
Wade, you gotta go home.
301
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,896
You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?
302
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:44,647
You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.
303
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,107
Like wet garbage in hot urine.
304
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,314
You smell like a dog ate kitty litter...
305
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,399
and then farted his way
out of the living room.
306
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,280
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
307
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,906
couch cushions after Shark Week.
308
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,613
I love Frozen.
309
00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,207
I loved her.
I loved her like an ocean loves water.
310
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,708
An ocean is water.
311
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:06,460
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
312
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,082
George Michael was right.
313
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,008
I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck!
314
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:11,585
He's dead, too.
315
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,096
At least we still have Bowie.
316
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,844
Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is...
317
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:16,924
Uh, uh, uh...
318
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,384
still with us.
319
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,346
We do.
We'll always have Bowie.
320
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:22,930
I'm sorry.
321
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,307
Shot after shot,
322
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,313
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
323
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,985
Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?
324
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,813
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
325
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,448
- Is he pissing?
- I'm on it!
326
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:34,074
There you go, Dopinder.
327
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,152
If you want to be a contract killer...
328
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,738
you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun.
329
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:39,822
Although I don't quite understand
330
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,122
how they are at all similar.
331
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,576
'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.
332
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:44,751
Now, leave me.
333
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:45,828
I get it.
334
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,917
Go home, Wade.
335
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:50,375
I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a...
336
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,169
Okay, I'm fine.
337
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,253
I'm fine.
338
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,213
You know what "fine" stands for, Wade?
339
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,642
Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional.
340
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,302
According to the...
341
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:03,808
- Kübler-Ross.
- Yeah.
342
00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:05,936
According to the Kübler-Ross model...
343
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:08,768
denial is just one of the five stages of grief.
344
00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:10,819
Jesus Christ, Buck!
345
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,193
No more speaking lines for you.
346
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,743
(LAUGHING)
347
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,446
(JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO)
348
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,746
(COMEDY SERIES PLAYING ON RADIO)
349
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,166
THUG: (ON RADIO)
Hey, bud. Bud.
350
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,039
- JACK: Huh?
- THUG: Got a match?
351
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:27,369
JACK: Match?
352
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:29,255
Yes, I have one right here.
353
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,707
THUG: Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.
354
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,549
- JACK: What?
- THUG: You heard me.
355
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,627
JACK: Mister, Mister, put down that gun.
356
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:37,304
THUG: Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your life?
357
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,677
(SNIFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO)
358
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:49,143
THUG: Look, bud. I said,
"Your money or your life."
359
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,309
"I'm thinking it over!"
360
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:51,986
Motherfuck!
361
00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:53,153
Fuck!
362
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,276
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
363
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,574
The hell you doin' here?
364
00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,072
Don't you know how to knock?
365
00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:01,654
I thought you saw me...
366
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:03,080
with your ears.
367
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,323
You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the...
368
00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:05,407
The wall?
369
00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:08,870
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
370
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,257
BLIND AL: I heard the news, sweetie.
371
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,084
I'm very sorry. I am.
372
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:16,927
What am I gonna do, Al?
373
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,137
Probably something terrible.
374
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,549
Knowing you.
375
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,262
It was my fault.
376
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,345
I fucking did this.
377
00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:29,019
And all I wanna do is grab her and see her
378
00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:31,100
and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't.
379
00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:34,687
She's gone.
380
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:38,195
BLIND AL: Sweetheart, can you speak up?
381
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:39,824
It's a little hard to hear you
382
00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:41,573
with that pity dick in your mouth.
383
00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,656
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
384
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:45,739
Thank you...
385
00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:49,043
Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure.
386
00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:51,166
Listen to the pain.
387
00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:53,964
It's both history teacher and fortune teller.
388
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,918
Pain teaches us who we are, Wade.
389
00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,964
Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying.
390
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,349
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
391
00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:08,061
Wade?
392
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:12,437
- Wade?
- I'm right here, Althea.
393
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,319
And that is the most beautiful thing
394
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,611
I've ever heard.
395
00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:18,901
And you're absolutely right.
396
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,651
(COUGHS)
397
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:25,113
I'm about to do something terrible.
398
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,457
DEADPOOL:
Precious, aren't they?
399
00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:34,664
Whoa!
400
00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:36,169
Are you a superhero?
401
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,875
Fucking A, sweetie.
402
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:39,505
What's your name?
403
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,337
Captain Delicious Pants.
404
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,593
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
405
00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,430
(KIDS SCREAMING)
(ANIMAL GROWLING)
406
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,916
I can't believe he's still alive.
407
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,494
I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.
408
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:16,877
There's gotta be some way to die.
409
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,958
I just need to die harder.
410
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,167
Trademark Fox.
411
00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:21,335
Y'all caught up now?
412
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:33,222
(OVERLAPPING VOICES)
413
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,191
VANESSA: Open for business.
414
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:38,564
(OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE)
415
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,856
WADE: Your crazy matches my crazy.
416
00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,320
VANESSA:
I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.
417
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:45,575
WADE: Skee-Ball token.
418
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:46,743
You're a lot smarter than I look.
419
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:48,992
(VOICES ECHOING)
420
00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:53,997
WADE: About why we're so good together.
421
00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:55,419
VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson.
422
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:56,962
(GASPS)
423
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,502
WADE: Ness?
424
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:02,084
Ness?
425
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:03,919
Ness.
426
00:25:04,545 --> 00:25:07,219
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
427
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,018
Your heart's not in the right place.
428
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,353
(STAMMERS)
Wait, hold on. What?
429
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:16,273
Your heart's not in the right place.
430
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,395
Wait. What do you mean
431
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:18,726
my heart's not in the right place?
What does it...
432
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,319
(TIMER TICKING)
433
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:23,313
(TIMER DINGS)
434
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:41,503
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade.
435
00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:43,049
You're broken.
436
00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:46,095
DEADPOOL: Oh, God. I know that voice.
437
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:08,571
HEADMASTER: Well, Russell.
438
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,324
I hear you're handy at picking locks.
439
00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:14,869
There will be no need for that here.
440
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:18,248
There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.
441
00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:21,622
I know what you're thinking.
442
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:23,799
Why don't the kids just run?
443
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,965
Who would choose to stay in such a place?
444
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,425
You stay because...
445
00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:34,644
deep down inside,
you know you're unfit to leave.
446
00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,065
Don't worry.
447
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:42,898
We can fix that.
448
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:51,486
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
449
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,092
DEADPOOL:
"Heart's in the right place."
450
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:16,597
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
451
00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,554
COLOSSUS:
Take your mask off, Wade.
452
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,230
I wish you'd said "pants".
453
00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:21,564
Let's play a game.
454
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,109
It's called "Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
455
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,528
Now, close your eyes and open your mouth.
456
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,446
COLOSSUS: You don't need to be funny here.
457
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,194
We must talk.
458
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,784
You need fresh start.
(GROANS)
459
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:34,362
Such a glare.
460
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:36,617
It's like I'm on stage at the Gaiety.
461
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,249
With training, you can be X-Man.
462
00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:41,502
You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus.
463
00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:42,829
I'm not X-Man material.
464
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,504
Understatement of the year.
465
00:27:44,955 --> 00:27:45,956
Wade, Yukio.
466
00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:47,587
Yukio, Wade.
467
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,469
What in the fuck knuckles is this?
468
00:27:50,544 --> 00:27:52,421
She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.
469
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,011
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends.
470
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,933
I'm just surprised anyone would date you.
471
00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,307
Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.
472
00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:01,021
I like this guy.
473
00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:02,852
Give him a chance.
474
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:04,683
It's great seeing you like this.
475
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,981
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah.
476
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:08,437
Bye, Wade!
477
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,235
Now, some ground rules while under our roof.
478
00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:14,068
"Rule number one:
No killing...
479
00:28:14,151 --> 00:28:17,576
anyone ever, no matter how bad.
480
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:20,248
Rule two:
Label everything in refrigerator."
481
00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:21,325
Wade?
482
00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:23,293
Wade?
483
00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,245
- Don't try to chase me.
- Wade!
484
00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,418
I'm not ready to be touched again.
485
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,716
All these old guys on the wall.
486
00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:31,885
Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?
487
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,011
(OBJECTS SHATTERING)
488
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:36,465
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
489
00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:38,975
What am I supposed to do around here, anyway?
490
00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:41,270
Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings?
491
00:28:41,345 --> 00:28:43,939
And how would I do that exactly?
492
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,687
'Cause where the fuck is everyone?
493
00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:47,859
It's always just you
494
00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:49,278
and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever...
495
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,354
Enough!
496
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:52,489
(GASPS) I said no touching!
497
00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:56,782
What the fuck?
498
00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:59,697
You'd think the studio would throw us a bone.
499
00:28:59,780 --> 00:29:01,828
One that doesn't end up in my mouth.
500
00:29:02,658 --> 00:29:03,784
The first movie made more money
501
00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:06,165
than the guy who invented pants.
502
00:29:06,245 --> 00:29:08,373
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
503
00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:10,549
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
504
00:29:10,624 --> 00:29:11,876
What do those do anyway, huh?
505
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:13,381
Carry him three feet off the ground
506
00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,383
to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb?
507
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,715
(DOORS CLOSE)
No, no, no!
508
00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:20,472
I am not X-Man material at all.
509
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:23,178
First off...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
510
00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:25,310
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more... (GROANS)
511
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:27,436
(GRUNTS)
512
00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:28,563
I should have left you
513
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:30,315
in the self-pitying mess I found you in.
514
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:33,443
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
515
00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:35,195
Not when convenient or easy.
516
00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:38,944
When hard, and you always make it hard.
517
00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:42,368
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You are unwell.
518
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:44,541
I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here.
519
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,459
(STRAINING) Wait.
One of the assholes
520
00:29:46,535 --> 00:29:48,037
who killed Vanessa got away.
521
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:49,879
(GRUNTS)
522
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,624
Oh, Jesus Christ!
523
00:29:52,833 --> 00:29:54,676
I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.
524
00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:56,628
Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.
525
00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:58,714
Wade, whoever they are...
526
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,141
we track them down and bring them to justice.
527
00:30:01,717 --> 00:30:03,139
It was me.
528
00:30:05,971 --> 00:30:07,564
I'm the asshole who got away.
529
00:30:08,682 --> 00:30:11,310
I killed every last one of them, except me.
530
00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:13,570
Couldn't kill me.
531
00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:18,692
We were gonna start a family.
532
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,408
We were, uh... (SNIFFLES)
533
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:23,613
(CLEARS THROAT)
534
00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,415
We were gonna be a family.
535
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,200
COLOSSUS: Wade...
536
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:30,166
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
537
00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:34,045
This may not be family you want...
538
00:30:34,124 --> 00:30:36,126
but it's family you need.
539
00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:37,837
You have a good heart.
540
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,466
It belongs here where it can grow.
541
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:42,257
What did you say?
542
00:30:44,301 --> 00:30:45,644
About my heart?
543
00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:50,808
(EXHALES)
544
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:53,060
I think I'm in the right place.
545
00:31:03,070 --> 00:31:04,663
(GRUNTS)
546
00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:51,793
(INAUDIBLE)
547
00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:57,878
(SCREAMING)
548
00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,630
MAN: I'mma tell you what the big lie is.
549
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,306
("ESCAPE" PLAYING ON RADIO)
Toilet paper.
550
00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:06,759
What's so bad about toilet paper?
551
00:32:06,842 --> 00:32:08,014
Gets the job done.
552
00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:10,937
Does it really
get the job done?
553
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,185
All right. Say you wake up tomorrow morning...
554
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:17,941
and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.
555
00:32:18,019 --> 00:32:19,692
Your cheek, maybe a little bit in the beard.
556
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,398
What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!
557
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:22,528
What do you do?
558
00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:23,904
Do you go to a bathroom
559
00:32:23,984 --> 00:32:25,611
and tear off a piece of dry tissue...
560
00:32:25,694 --> 00:32:27,537
and rub it around on your beard a little bit
561
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,159
and then go on, get on with your day?
562
00:32:29,239 --> 00:32:30,832
Go to church, maybe dinner and a movie,
563
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:31,999
like nothing happened?
564
00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:33,418
Where is this coming from, man?
565
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,710
But something did happen.
566
00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:36,208
Your face smells like shit.
Right?
567
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:37,835
So what you would do,
568
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:40,133
is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water...
569
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,506
and you would scrub the fucking shit
570
00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,554
out of your beard for 10 straight minutes.
571
00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:46,302
You could not scrub it enough.
572
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,008
Are you trying to make me feel disgusting?
573
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:49,263
I'm starting to feel...
574
00:32:49,342 --> 00:32:52,016
Toilet paper is a pretty fine appetizer.
575
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,189
But, then...
576
00:32:54,431 --> 00:32:56,729
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
577
00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,151
That's your main course.
578
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:01,355
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
579
00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:04,942
Finally, one more pass with toilet paper,
580
00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:06,902
maybe clear out that excess moisture.
581
00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:08,578
Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go,
582
00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:09,950
if you can get you a hair dryer.
583
00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:12,374
Just about 30 seconds would do you good.
584
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,078
The fuck?
585
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,377
Year.
586
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:21,374
What?
587
00:33:22,584 --> 00:33:24,211
What year is it?
588
00:33:24,294 --> 00:33:26,763
What kind of dumb-ass question is that to ask?
589
00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:42,442
(ALARM RINGING)
590
00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:45,983
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
591
00:33:57,494 --> 00:34:00,247
INSTRUCTOR: We have 8 weeks
of boot camp ahead of us, men.
592
00:34:00,330 --> 00:34:01,627
That'll get us toned and prepared
593
00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:03,299
for all manner of combat.
594
00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:09,382
Not working out at all.
595
00:34:09,631 --> 00:34:11,258
Masking tape.
596
00:34:11,341 --> 00:34:13,685
It is no friend to chilled aluminum.
597
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,729
Velcro.
Color-coded, efficient,
598
00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:17,897
environmentally friendly.
599
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,187
Who is he talking to?
600
00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:21,894
And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?
601
00:34:21,977 --> 00:34:23,945
Can we focus for a moment, ladies?
602
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,273
Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.
603
00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:28,108
Obviously, everyone hated the ceviche.
604
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:29,488
I read the suggestion box.
605
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:31,161
I'm gonna stop you right there.
606
00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:33,034
I see through this weak act.
607
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:37,501
You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit...
608
00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:38,831
but not me.
609
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:39,957
Don't be mean.
610
00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:41,333
Back off, NTW.
611
00:34:41,413 --> 00:34:43,586
No, no, no. Let her go.
612
00:34:43,665 --> 00:34:44,791
Let her go, it's okay.
613
00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:46,421
She has a right to be skeptical.
614
00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:49,129
Look at me.
I'm an easy target.
615
00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,640
You know, historically,
616
00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:53,592
mischief has been my mistress...
617
00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:56,349
so I understand, you know.
But I like to think...
618
00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:59,939
that you guys have really rubbed off on me.
619
00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:03,310
I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.
620
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:06,354
A lot.
621
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,983
And for the first time in a long while...
622
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:11,238
I like me.
623
00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:15,948
- I accept your apology.
- I never apologized.
624
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,533
I was talking to your heart.
625
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,994
See? You're not lost cause you thought.
626
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:23,250
I'm proud. You're everything I knew you can be.
627
00:35:23,330 --> 00:35:24,627
Thank you, Colossus.
628
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:26,966
Just trying to be the world's best X-Man.
629
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,464
Sorry, X-Person.
630
00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:32,673
Hmm. Something wrong with the soap.
631
00:35:32,756 --> 00:35:34,349
It's fine.
632
00:35:34,424 --> 00:35:36,643
I just filled it.
Give it a few more pumps there.
633
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:40,313
Now, if you'll excuse me...
634
00:35:40,388 --> 00:35:42,140
it's dust bunny season...
635
00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:43,224
and I'm hunting wabbits.
636
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,059
Bye, Wade!
637
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,777
- (MOUTHING) Fuck.
- (MOUTHING) Fuck you.
638
00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:57,406
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
639
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:00,784
(BELL STOPS RINGING)
640
00:36:01,451 --> 00:36:04,000
HEADMASTER:
No one is born perfect.
641
00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:06,047
But you can be.
642
00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:08,466
I know you're doing what comes naturally.
643
00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:14,597
You can't help yourself.
644
00:36:18,468 --> 00:36:19,936
But you can.
645
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:23,269
It takes work, discipline...
646
00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:24,940
and treatment.
647
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:26,689
Your abilities...
648
00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:30,647
I know how seductive they are.
649
00:36:31,481 --> 00:36:33,654
How powerful they make you feel.
650
00:36:34,651 --> 00:36:37,154
But you must learn never to use them...
651
00:36:37,237 --> 00:36:39,831
so they will never use you.
652
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:44,668
(CRYING)
653
00:36:46,079 --> 00:36:47,672
Please don't cry.
654
00:36:48,498 --> 00:36:50,091
I'm going to help.
655
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,010
I'm gonna make you feel what you should feel.
656
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,800
How you need to feel...
657
00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:58,471
every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.
658
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:03,267
Suck my mutant dick, you four-eyed fuck.
659
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:07,775
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GRUNTING)
660
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,232
(SCREAMS)
661
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:18,953
COLOSSUS: Wade.
662
00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:20,864
Wade!
663
00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:23,537
Come in!
Hey, I was just doing
664
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,163
a little bit of light reading here...
665
00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:26,920
We have mission.
666
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:28,538
Well, you guys be safe out there.
667
00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:29,838
I'll be praying for you.
668
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:32,337
No, I want you to join.
669
00:37:33,543 --> 00:37:34,669
I'm sorry, what?
670
00:37:34,753 --> 00:37:36,346
You heard me.
671
00:37:36,421 --> 00:37:38,674
Trust me, that's a terrible idea.
672
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:39,887
I'm really not ready.
673
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,468
- You are ready.
- I'm not.
674
00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:43,470
Be at the X-Jet in five.
675
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:44,762
I can do thirty.
676
00:37:44,846 --> 00:37:46,769
- Now.
- I can do now.
677
00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:47,895
Final offer.
678
00:37:48,141 --> 00:37:50,644
REPORTER:
Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
679
00:37:50,727 --> 00:37:52,695
Live here at a breaking news situation
680
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:55,399
at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation.
681
00:37:55,482 --> 00:37:57,405
A mutant boy is appearing to have
682
00:37:57,484 --> 00:37:58,701
some sort of an incident...
683
00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:00,450
with police here behind me.
- RUSSELL: Get away from me!
684
00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,906
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
685
00:38:02,989 --> 00:38:04,411
- There are open fires.
- Fuck off! Stay back!
686
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:05,492
REPORTER: A scene of absolute chaos here.
687
00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:06,576
OFFICER: Calm down.
688
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:09,378
RUSSELL: I'll burn you!
You stay back!
689
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:11,831
Get away from me!
690
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:14,418
You wanna fucking die?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
691
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:32,606
And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving...
692
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:33,686
DEADPOOL: Scatter!
693
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:36,238
REPORTER:
...with what appears to be a trainee.
694
00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:39,284
DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
695
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,451
We're the X-Men!
696
00:38:40,527 --> 00:38:42,746
A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s.
697
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,327
So, respect.
698
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:46,950
At ease, Officer.
699
00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:50,082
What are you doing?
700
00:38:50,537 --> 00:38:51,789
My job!
701
00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:53,248
You're the one who said I was ready,
702
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,799
and I frankly disagreed with you.
703
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,252
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
704
00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:59,758
Like Beyoncé says, "Please...
705
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:01,931
Please, stop cheating on me."
706
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:03,098
OFFICER: Hey!
707
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:04,517
This is the fifth incident.
708
00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:06,765
This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here.
709
00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,472
Russell belongs in our care.
710
00:39:08,555 --> 00:39:10,307
Not in prison.
I assure you...
711
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:11,482
we have everything under control.
712
00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:12,605
RUSSELL: Stay back!
I'll burn you!
713
00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:13,856
Not getting a real
714
00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:15,608
"under control" vibe here, Marty.
715
00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:18,064
- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.
716
00:39:18,147 --> 00:39:19,364
I'll ask the questions, Miguel.
717
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,737
Let me talk to the kid.
718
00:39:20,817 --> 00:39:25,664
You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips.
719
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:28,408
RUSSELL: You wanna die?
720
00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:29,492
DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable.
721
00:39:29,576 --> 00:39:30,668
I don't know why I packed the hollow points.
722
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:31,869
I'll burn your balls off!
723
00:39:31,953 --> 00:39:34,581
First day. (CHUCKLING)
I'm so nervous!
724
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,875
Did you just say "hollow points"?
725
00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,301
Yeah, probably should've
726
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:40,424
brought a Super Soaker.
(LAUGHS)
727
00:39:40,962 --> 00:39:41,963
Hi, there!
728
00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:45,725
Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!
729
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,304
(LAUGHS) Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
730
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,307
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
731
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:55,485
Okay, let's not do whatever that is.
732
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,028
Okay? Let's just talk!
733
00:39:57,103 --> 00:39:58,355
It's Russell, right?
734
00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:00,614
- Firefist.
- Firefist.
735
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:03,284
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
736
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:04,781
Just the fist,
or all the way up to the elbow?
737
00:40:05,737 --> 00:40:06,989
(GRUNTS)
738
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:09,741
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
739
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,452
(CHUCKLES) Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.
740
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,537
Come quietly, or there will be trouble.
741
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,757
- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!
742
00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:19,842
Just stand down!
743
00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:21,966
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
744
00:40:22,045 --> 00:40:23,262
(LAUGHS)
745
00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:25,677
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
746
00:40:25,924 --> 00:40:26,925
(GRUNTS)
747
00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:29,602
(ALL SCREAMING)
748
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,978
Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!
749
00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:35,817
Put your hands behind your knees
750
00:40:35,892 --> 00:40:37,360
and get down on your head! Now!
751
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:39,654
Wade! What was first rule?
752
00:40:39,729 --> 00:40:41,652
Label everything in the refrigerator!
753
00:40:41,731 --> 00:40:44,325
- Do not escalate!
- Rules are meant to be broken!
754
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:45,777
COLOSSUS:
That's the exact opposite
755
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,237
of what they're meant for!
756
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:49,705
Fuck! Fine!
757
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,286
I'll start from the beginning.
758
00:40:51,908 --> 00:40:54,252
My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man.
759
00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:56,295
- Trainee!
- Shut it!
760
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,503
Look, I get it.
761
00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,294
All right, you're scared.
762
00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:03,882
Alone.
763
00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:05,009
You got no family.
764
00:41:05,088 --> 00:41:06,089
I didn't have a family, either.
765
00:41:06,172 --> 00:41:07,890
You live in this dump. Guess what?
766
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,684
I used to live in a shithole just like it.
767
00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:11,890
But you know something?
768
00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:13,688
A wise woman once said to me...
769
00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:15,140
"Speak up.
770
00:41:15,223 --> 00:41:17,442
I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth."
771
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,735
Too much? I went too far.
772
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,063
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
773
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,237
That was effervescent.
774
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,243
(SIGHS) Stay in school, kid.
775
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,116
Or don't. I didn't.
776
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,038
And I'm an X-Man.
(THUDS)
777
00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:36,210
Trainee.
778
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:37,628
Fuck it!
779
00:41:37,704 --> 00:41:39,456
Superhero landing coming up!
780
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:42,959
(GRUNTS)
781
00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:44,669
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
782
00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:46,595
(GROANS)
That is so not practical.
783
00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:48,426
- (GRUNTS)
- (GASPS)
784
00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:51,391
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
785
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,148
(GROANS)
786
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,864
(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
787
00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:09,360
I could get used to this X-Man shit.
788
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:10,445
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Trainee!
789
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:11,575
DEADPOOL: Trainee!
790
00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,698
OFFICER: Get a power restraint on him. Now!
791
00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:17,001
DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
792
00:42:17,702 --> 00:42:18,794
(DEVICE WHIRRS)
793
00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,372
What's that do?
794
00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:21,923
Power-dampening collar.
795
00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:23,250
Shuts down all mutant abilities.
796
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:26,127
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
797
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:29,180
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
798
00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:30,507
HEADMASTER: Thank you!
799
00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,560
That was absolutely thrilling.
800
00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:36,637
True heroism in action.
801
00:42:36,888 --> 00:42:38,561
We are in your debt.
802
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:40,975
We can take it from here.
803
00:42:41,059 --> 00:42:43,232
Take me to the Ice Box, please!
804
00:42:43,311 --> 00:42:44,483
Anywhere's better than here.
805
00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:45,779
DEADPOOL: Believe me, son,
806
00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:47,573
you do not wanna go to the Ice Box.
807
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,151
That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.
808
00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,119
Let's get you inside, young man.
809
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:54,163
No, wait, wait. Wait.
810
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:55,740
You guys stay there.
811
00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:07,460
Those guys hurt you?
812
00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:09,925
Who?
813
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,683
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
814
00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:17,637
Both of 'em?
815
00:43:21,349 --> 00:43:23,022
Oh, fuck it.
816
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:24,648
Four or five moments!
817
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:25,728
I'm sorry?
818
00:43:25,812 --> 00:43:28,986
Four or five moments!
819
00:43:30,233 --> 00:43:32,986
That's all it takes to be a hero.
820
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,030
People think you wake up a hero...
821
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:37,991
brush your teeth a hero...
822
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:41,077
ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero.
823
00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:42,788
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
824
00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:46,625
But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments!
825
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:49,586
A few moments...
826
00:43:49,669 --> 00:43:52,297
doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.
827
00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:53,472
(GROANS)
828
00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:56,968
No!
829
00:43:59,637 --> 00:44:00,854
OFFICER: Stand down!
Hold your fire!
830
00:44:00,930 --> 00:44:03,228
- Wade, what did you do?
- Colossus, no!
831
00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:06,561
You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.
832
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,897
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
833
00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,448
What was your first clue?
834
00:44:10,523 --> 00:44:13,322
The hollow point
through that fuckhead's face?
835
00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:14,945
That kid was abused!
836
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:16,825
- You can always tell!
- COLOSSUS: We have rules!
837
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,832
You are not judge, jury or executioner!
838
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,831
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
839
00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:24,503
And sometimes you gotta fight dirty!
840
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,836
You let me down for the last time, Wade.
841
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,213
OFFICER: Okay, get these guys in the pod.
842
00:44:33,296 --> 00:44:35,469
Take them to the Ice Box.
(SIRENS WAILING)
843
00:44:35,548 --> 00:44:37,391
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
844
00:44:48,561 --> 00:44:51,314
(PRISONERS SHOUTING)
(WHISTLING)
845
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,274
(GATE BUZZING)
846
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,034
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTS)
847
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:57,111
Hey, baby!
848
00:44:58,196 --> 00:45:00,415
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
849
00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:01,866
Yeah!
850
00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:04,286
Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
(MOUTHS) Hi.
851
00:45:06,162 --> 00:45:07,539
I've always seen myself as
852
00:45:07,622 --> 00:45:08,999
more of an East Coast Hufflepuff.
853
00:45:10,499 --> 00:45:13,469
I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.
854
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:17,390
This is not what the website
looked like at all.
855
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:20,684
I love the decor though.
856
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:22,683
I had no idea hopeless was a color.
857
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,014
GUARD: Hard left, douchebag.
858
00:45:28,517 --> 00:45:29,689
Please, after you.
859
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:34,570
Another disgusting minority off the streets.
860
00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:35,741
We'll sleep well tonight.
861
00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:36,817
Let's get a bagel.
862
00:45:36,901 --> 00:45:39,279
- (TASER CRACKLING)
- (GROANING)
863
00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:42,956
Nighty-night, you annoying prick!
864
00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:46,127
(CONTINUES GROANING)
865
00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:14,651
(VOMITING)
866
00:46:18,734 --> 00:46:20,577
RUSSELL:
You're a long way from your superpowers.
867
00:46:20,653 --> 00:46:23,031
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
868
00:46:23,114 --> 00:46:25,583
Not to worry, we're old friends.
869
00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:26,830
Fuck!
870
00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:28,582
I wanted to be a superhero.
871
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:31,043
Always wanted a real super suit.
872
00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:32,669
(SIGHS) What happened?
873
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:34,796
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
874
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:36,673
Never.
875
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,842
The industry discriminates.
876
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,469
Fuck superheroes.
877
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:44,268
The thing that pisses me off the most...
878
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,186
I never stood up for myself in there.
879
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,603
My whole life.
880
00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:54,236
I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.
881
00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:59,617
Nobody's gonna sacrifice anything for me.
882
00:47:03,738 --> 00:47:05,991
I gotta start taking care of myself.
883
00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:09,168
I have a mission now.
884
00:47:10,119 --> 00:47:12,747
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
885
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:15,128
burn the headmaster alive...
886
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:17,801
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
887
00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:21,384
Aw. That's, like,
my favorite part of the Bible.
888
00:47:23,132 --> 00:47:25,055
I don't have a sock puppet on me...
889
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,144
but what did he do to you?
890
00:47:27,762 --> 00:47:29,309
Did he taste the rainbow?
891
00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:31,436
I'd whisper it, but Skittles would sue us.
892
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,227
Fucker hates mutants.
893
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,562
He tried to beat the genes out of us.
894
00:47:36,645 --> 00:47:39,194
Nothing worse than
a "pray the gay away" type guy.
895
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:41,359
Sick piece of shit.
896
00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:46,452
Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here...
897
00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:49,079
and we'll make him our bitch!
898
00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:50,501
(RUMBLING)
899
00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:52,958
(WADE COUGHS)
900
00:47:53,037 --> 00:47:54,334
What was that?
(CLEARS THROAT)
901
00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,381
That is the biggest guy in here.
902
00:47:57,041 --> 00:47:59,089
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
903
00:47:59,168 --> 00:48:00,966
though no one's ever seen it,
904
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,218
they keep a monster in the basement.
905
00:48:03,297 --> 00:48:05,015
Right next to a huge,
906
00:48:05,091 --> 00:48:06,638
steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
907
00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:08,260
Look.
908
00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:11,184
I can't protect you. (COUGHS)
909
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,681
With this collar on,
910
00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:15,860
my superpower is just unbridled cancer.
911
00:48:15,935 --> 00:48:18,814
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
912
00:48:19,438 --> 00:48:21,486
Now, if you'll excuse me...
(COUGHS)
913
00:48:21,565 --> 00:48:24,739
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
914
00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:27,072
I'll start by making us a shank.
915
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:29,198
Good listening.
I stole that guard's pen...
916
00:48:29,281 --> 00:48:31,204
and stashed it in the old prison wallet,
917
00:48:31,283 --> 00:48:32,660
if you know what I'm saying.
918
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:35,212
I really hope I don't know what you're saying.
919
00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:37,207
(RUSSELL EXHALES)
920
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,587
RUSSELL: I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.
921
00:48:39,667 --> 00:48:41,590
Oh, Jesus Christ.
922
00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:44,089
I can hear you rummaging around in there.
923
00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:46,633
Do they make Purell for your ears?
924
00:48:46,966 --> 00:48:48,468
(SIREN WAILING)
925
00:48:51,429 --> 00:48:52,772
REPORTER: (ON TV)
And to update you
926
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,190
on the story reported earlier,
927
00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:55,812
after a lengthy standoff
928
00:48:55,891 --> 00:48:58,565
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
929
00:48:58,644 --> 00:48:59,941
two mutants were arrested
930
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:01,647
and transported to the Ice Box...
931
00:49:01,814 --> 00:49:03,191
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Entering repair mode.
932
00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:08,988
REPORTER:
...several police cars were destroyed
933
00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:11,073
and the X-Men were called in to restore order.
934
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:32,185
(COUGHS)
935
00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:34,271
GUARD: (ON PA)
Cells seven and nine
936
00:49:34,346 --> 00:49:37,691
now off-limits for medical personnel.
937
00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:39,234
Cells seven and nine
938
00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:42,063
now off-limits for medical personnel.
939
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,191
Psst!
940
00:49:47,485 --> 00:49:49,328
Don't do that.
941
00:49:49,904 --> 00:49:52,748
What? Why are you winking at me?
942
00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:53,915
(COUGHS)
943
00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:57,745
I got your back.
944
00:49:57,828 --> 00:49:59,000
Oh, my God.
945
00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,547
You're sick, I gotta protect you.
946
00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:02,546
Just leave me alone, kid.
(MAN WHISTLING)
947
00:50:03,667 --> 00:50:04,759
Oh, great.
948
00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:06,508
(WADE COUGHS)
949
00:50:06,587 --> 00:50:09,090
Well, hello there, new fish.
950
00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:12,097
It's nice to see some fresh faces around here.
951
00:50:12,259 --> 00:50:14,478
(COUGHS) I've done some light catalog work...
952
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:17,022
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
953
00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:19,020
- I was talking to him.
- Oh.
954
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:22,938
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
955
00:50:23,354 --> 00:50:25,982
- Black Tom Cassidy.
- White Wade Wilson.
956
00:50:26,065 --> 00:50:29,194
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
957
00:50:29,527 --> 00:50:32,076
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
958
00:50:32,154 --> 00:50:33,827
You don't look like much to me.
959
00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:37,163
First rule of the yard, fuckface...
960
00:50:37,243 --> 00:50:38,836
find the biggest guy and make him your...
961
00:50:39,328 --> 00:50:41,296
(GROANS)
(INMATES EXCLAIM)
962
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,296
Second biggest guy.
963
00:50:45,376 --> 00:50:47,629
The last thing I need is more hepatitis.
964
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:51,382
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
965
00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:52,808
Can we get a wipe down on the table?
966
00:50:53,342 --> 00:50:54,514
(GROANS)
(INMATES EXCLAIM)
967
00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:56,220
Kid, I think you picked the wrong side.
968
00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:59,185
No, I didn't!
He's my friend!
969
00:50:59,265 --> 00:51:01,518
Zip it. We're not friends.
(INMATES CHEERING)
970
00:51:03,227 --> 00:51:04,319
You're about to get dick-slapped.
971
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:07,948
- (INMATES SHOUTING)
- (COUGHS)
972
00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,034
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
973
00:51:16,865 --> 00:51:18,583
I had so much fun!
You were like... (GRUNTS)
974
00:51:18,659 --> 00:51:20,707
And I was like, "Take a seat, shit dick."
975
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:21,912
Just let me die in peace.
976
00:51:22,580 --> 00:51:24,332
(GRUNTS)
We make a great team!
977
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,297
Oh, God! We're not a team.
(COUGHING)
978
00:51:27,376 --> 00:51:31,677
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
979
00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:34,178
We're not partners or friends.
980
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,641
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
981
00:51:37,720 --> 00:51:39,893
It ends with me dying of cancer...
982
00:51:39,972 --> 00:51:43,522
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
983
00:51:43,851 --> 00:51:45,194
(WADE COUGHS)
984
00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:46,816
There's only one person in this world
985
00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:48,693
that I care about, and she's gone.
986
00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,484
You wanna survive?
987
00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:56,994
Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here...
988
00:51:57,072 --> 00:51:58,949
and make friends with them.
989
00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:01,835
Make friends with someone.
990
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,671
Anyone but me.
991
00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:08,175
Maybe even Black Tim.
992
00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:10,631
Black Evan, I don't know.
993
00:52:10,711 --> 00:52:13,214
All I remember is he was African-American.
994
00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,731
(GUARDS GROANING)
995
00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,784
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(ALARM BLARING)
996
00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:42,709
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
997
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:49,841
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
998
00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:52,883
(GUARDS GROANING)
999
00:52:58,676 --> 00:53:00,724
AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA)
System malfunctioning.
1000
00:53:00,803 --> 00:53:04,148
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
1001
00:53:04,223 --> 00:53:06,442
Back in your cells, you filthy mutants!
Get in there!
1002
00:53:06,517 --> 00:53:09,817
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
1003
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,398
(BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching.
1004
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:16,319
Cell 04 located.
1005
00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:19,322
Door won't open!
1006
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,490
GUARD: On your fucking knees!
1007
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,581
(ALL GRUNTING)
1008
00:53:58,444 --> 00:54:00,162
That was our cell.
1009
00:54:02,281 --> 00:54:04,534
What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker
1010
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:05,788
with a Winter Soldier arm?
1011
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:16,966
Get away from me, kid!
1012
00:54:18,839 --> 00:54:20,056
(PRISONER GROANS)
1013
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:21,766
(ALL GRUNTING)
1014
00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:25,812
Listen to me! Go!
1015
00:54:31,310 --> 00:54:32,607
Hello, Russell.
1016
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:37,448
(COCKS GUN)
1017
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:42,871
(GROANS)
1018
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:45,741
(WADE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1019
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:48,911
(GROANING)
1020
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,350
(GRUNTS)
1021
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,688
(GUARDS GROANING)
1022
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,717
(GROANING)
1023
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:42,931
(ALL GRUNTING)
1024
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:52,724
(GROANS)
1025
00:55:52,808 --> 00:55:54,276
(GASPS)
1026
00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:55,943
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1027
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,067
I don't bargain.
1028
00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:04,198
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1029
00:56:07,114 --> 00:56:08,661
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1030
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,207
Who are you?
1031
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:19,335
I'm Batman.
1032
00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:29,769
(GASPS)
1033
00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:31,809
Ooh!
1034
00:56:32,764 --> 00:56:33,856
(GRUNTS)
1035
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:39,439
Oh. That's got some zip.
1036
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:50,745
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
1037
00:56:51,450 --> 00:56:52,497
Talk!
1038
00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:54,787
What kind of spineless shit stick
1039
00:56:54,870 --> 00:56:56,247
tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?
1040
00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,711
You might wanna start talking!
1041
00:56:58,790 --> 00:57:01,213
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
1042
00:57:02,711 --> 00:57:04,213
The name's Cable.
1043
00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:07,429
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
1044
00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:09,388
Oh!
1045
00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:10,936
So, you're from the future.
1046
00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:13,313
I have three questions then.
1047
00:57:13,472 --> 00:57:16,646
One, is dubstep still a thing?
1048
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:19,569
Two, do people still homebrew?
1049
00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:22,239
And three, does Dopinder ever find love?
1050
00:57:31,323 --> 00:57:32,825
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1051
00:57:45,837 --> 00:57:47,680
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1052
00:57:50,008 --> 00:57:53,387
- (SHOUTING)
- (CHOKING)
1053
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:57,649
(SCREAMING)
1054
00:58:02,270 --> 00:58:03,988
(GROANING)
1055
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,118
Dubstep's for pussies.
1056
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,365
You're so dark!
1057
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:11,663
Are you sure you're not from the DC universe?
1058
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:13,908
I love dubstep!
1059
00:58:13,991 --> 00:58:16,164
(DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING)
1060
00:58:24,501 --> 00:58:26,219
- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
1061
00:58:38,724 --> 00:58:40,146
(GROANS)
1062
00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:41,647
WADE: Is that a fanny pack?
1063
00:58:41,727 --> 00:58:44,321
I used to have one of those in 1990-never.
1064
00:58:45,272 --> 00:58:47,366
Something to remember you by.
1065
00:58:47,441 --> 00:58:51,162
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
1066
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:53,614
Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack!
1067
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:00,124
(GROANING)
1068
00:59:03,331 --> 00:59:05,425
Why are you protecting the kid?
1069
00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:06,672
(LAUGHS)
1070
00:59:06,752 --> 00:59:08,675
I don't give a fuck about him...
1071
00:59:09,087 --> 00:59:11,510
and his Are You My Mother? complex!
1072
00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,094
What's this one do?
1073
00:59:16,470 --> 00:59:18,438
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1074
00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:29,195
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1075
00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:30,867
WADE: In every film, there's a moment
1076
00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,286
when the hero hits rock bottom.
1077
00:59:33,361 --> 00:59:35,284
In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
1078
00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:36,660
prized bobsled broke.
1079
00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:40,084
In Human Centipede,
it was when those people...
1080
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:41,707
signed on to be in that movie.
1081
00:59:41,787 --> 00:59:43,255
But in this film, well...
1082
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:45,127
you're looking at it.
1083
00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:46,959
GUARD:
On your fucking knees, mutant.
1084
00:59:47,793 --> 00:59:49,215
(GROANING)
1085
00:59:49,878 --> 00:59:50,879
WADE: Rock...
1086
00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:56,427
meet bottom.
1087
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,267
(INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING)
1088
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,196
VANESSA:
I love you, Wade Wilson.
1089
01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:09,488
Ness?
1090
01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:11,992
Hey, Ness!
1091
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,657
Ness, can you let me in?
1092
01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:16,830
Please! Please.
1093
01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:20,082
Jesus.
1094
01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:21,159
(SIGHS)
1095
01:00:23,036 --> 01:00:24,754
You're not giving me a lot of direction here.
1096
01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,628
I'm at the end of my rope.
1097
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,128
(TIMER TICKING)
1098
01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:31,379
Then I joined the X-Men.
1099
01:00:31,545 --> 01:00:33,388
I went to prison. I, uh...
1100
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:38,969
Is it the kid?
1101
01:00:41,012 --> 01:00:43,936
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
1102
01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:46,351
The kid!
(TIMER DINGS)
1103
01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:51,357
(GASPING)
1104
01:00:53,984 --> 01:00:55,577
(WHEEZING)
1105
01:01:00,407 --> 01:01:01,704
That's exactly what she meant.
1106
01:01:01,783 --> 01:01:02,955
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
1107
01:01:03,076 --> 01:01:04,919
I'm not gonna abandon this kid.
1108
01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:07,589
He's never had anyone, ever.
1109
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:08,961
I need to be selfless.
1110
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:10,963
Yeah, but what does that mean?
1111
01:01:11,042 --> 01:01:14,171
It means I'm gonna save Russell.
1112
01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:15,839
Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...
1113
01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:18,892
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
1114
01:01:18,967 --> 01:01:20,969
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
1115
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:22,474
I literally don't know what that means.
1116
01:01:22,637 --> 01:01:23,763
Jesus Christ.
1117
01:01:23,847 --> 01:01:26,566
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
1118
01:01:26,641 --> 01:01:28,393
those muties are being transferred
1119
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:30,274
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
1120
01:01:30,353 --> 01:01:32,151
Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way.
1121
01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,358
Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay?
1122
01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:36,409
We're talking about an armored convoy...
1123
01:01:36,484 --> 01:01:39,078
and a vicious super soldier from the future...
1124
01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:41,498
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
1125
01:01:41,573 --> 01:01:42,995
You know what we need to do?
1126
01:01:43,074 --> 01:01:44,826
We need to build a fucking team.
1127
01:01:44,993 --> 01:01:47,041
We need 'em tough, morally flexible...
1128
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:48,497
and young enough so they can carry
1129
01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:49,706
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
1130
01:01:49,789 --> 01:01:51,632
A team of highly-skilled motherfuckers.
1131
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:54,712
I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two.
1132
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:57,172
John Wick 3, but with
the original director.
1133
01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:59,132
DOPINDER:
My body is an instrument of death.
1134
01:01:59,216 --> 01:02:00,559
Not now, Dopinder.
1135
01:02:00,634 --> 01:02:02,056
I could be of great use.
1136
01:02:02,135 --> 01:02:03,728
What's your superpower?
1137
01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,140
- Courage.
- That's adorable.
1138
01:02:07,224 --> 01:02:08,851
Do you have the courage to check and see...
1139
01:02:08,934 --> 01:02:11,278
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
1140
01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:12,354
Yes, sir.
1141
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,689
I'm sorry you had to see that,
1142
01:02:13,772 --> 01:02:15,274
although I'm glad you heard it.
1143
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:18,026
All right, I'll put out a call for resumes.
1144
01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:20,328
But we're not paying medical or dental.
1145
01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,451
It's time to get back on LinkedIn.
1146
01:02:32,290 --> 01:02:33,758
(EXHALES)
1147
01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:45,553
(CHILD SINGING)
1148
01:02:59,317 --> 01:03:00,864
GUARD: (ON PA)
Attention, all inmates!
1149
01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:03,405
Transport to Cross Force Maximum Security
1150
01:03:03,488 --> 01:03:04,865
Mutant Containment Facility...
1151
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:06,874
will begin at 0800 hours.
1152
01:03:07,033 --> 01:03:09,001
Inspection of your cells and out processing
1153
01:03:09,077 --> 01:03:11,125
will begin at 0600.
1154
01:03:19,421 --> 01:03:20,422
BLACK TOM: Oi.
1155
01:03:20,547 --> 01:03:21,890
MUTANT: What the fuck do you want?
1156
01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,763
That's my fucking pudding.
1157
01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:25,139
- Fuck your pudding!
- You like pudding?
1158
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:27,637
- (GRUNTS)
- (PRISONERS CLAMORING)
1159
01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:30,148
(ALARM BLARING)
1160
01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:47,866
Hello?
1161
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,504
I know you're in there.
1162
01:04:08,178 --> 01:04:10,476
Must be hard being the biggest guy in here.
1163
01:04:11,765 --> 01:04:14,018
Lonely at the top, eh?
1164
01:04:14,100 --> 01:04:16,068
They're moving us tomorrow.
1165
01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:20,319
Maybe I can get you out of here.
1166
01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:24,698
And we can make the whole world our bitch.
1167
01:04:26,529 --> 01:04:28,281
We need a secret code.
1168
01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,242
(IMITATES BIRD CALL)
1169
01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:33,954
(SOFTLY) No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
1170
01:04:36,122 --> 01:04:38,045
(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
1171
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,001
(RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE)
1172
01:04:41,211 --> 01:04:42,713
We're a team.
1173
01:04:42,796 --> 01:04:44,719
We're like thugs, we're like gangsters.
1174
01:04:44,798 --> 01:04:46,766
I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube.
1175
01:04:48,468 --> 01:04:49,515
WEASEL: Supposedly, she can rap, too.
1176
01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:50,686
DEADPOOL: Yeah.
1177
01:04:50,762 --> 01:04:51,763
I like that.
1178
01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:53,268
Terrific, these are all terrific.
1179
01:04:53,515 --> 01:04:55,233
Meet Bedlam.
1180
01:04:55,308 --> 01:04:57,481
Cool name! Superpowers?
1181
01:04:57,602 --> 01:04:59,104
I can distort electrical fields.
1182
01:04:59,187 --> 01:05:00,279
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
1183
01:05:00,355 --> 01:05:02,528
Including the one inside your brain...
1184
01:05:02,607 --> 01:05:05,281
causing anxiety, confusion...
1185
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:06,452
pain.
1186
01:05:07,404 --> 01:05:09,452
So, basically, you're Dave Matthews.
1187
01:05:09,531 --> 01:05:10,703
We can use him.
1188
01:05:12,450 --> 01:05:13,997
I'm Zeitgeist.
1189
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:15,412
Cool. I like it.
1190
01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:16,747
So you have the power
1191
01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:19,174
to put your finger on the pulse of society?
1192
01:05:20,208 --> 01:05:21,334
(STAMMERS) No.
1193
01:05:21,418 --> 01:05:22,965
No, I spit acidic vomit.
(SNIFFS)
1194
01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:24,136
- Oh.
- Do you want me
1195
01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:25,555
to demonstrate?
- DEADPOOL: No!
1196
01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:26,973
WEASEL: We'll take your word for it.
1197
01:05:27,048 --> 01:05:28,516
Thank you. Yeah.
Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
1198
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,970
And this is the Vanisher.
1199
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:36,307
But...
1200
01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:38,943
Vanisher!
1201
01:05:39,018 --> 01:05:40,565
(LAUGHS)
1202
01:05:41,479 --> 01:05:43,152
- Nice!
- Right?
1203
01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:45,533
He's not here, is he?
1204
01:05:45,608 --> 01:05:47,155
He may be running late.
1205
01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:51,205
My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar.
1206
01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:52,831
BOTH: That's good, yeah.
1207
01:05:52,907 --> 01:05:55,001
- "Rusty" is terrible.
- Toughie.
1208
01:05:55,076 --> 01:05:57,795
- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.
1209
01:05:57,954 --> 01:05:59,956
- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.
1210
01:06:00,039 --> 01:06:01,666
How does that, uh, help us?
1211
01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:04,548
I'm basically better than you at everything.
1212
01:06:04,711 --> 01:06:06,384
Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people
1213
01:06:06,463 --> 01:06:08,010
that are worse than me at everything.
1214
01:06:08,089 --> 01:06:10,262
A whole bunch of functional idiots.
1215
01:06:10,341 --> 01:06:12,218
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
1216
01:06:12,302 --> 01:06:13,394
Isn't that Canada?
1217
01:06:13,470 --> 01:06:15,893
You shut your goddamn trash mouth!
1218
01:06:17,056 --> 01:06:18,524
- WEASEL: Meet...
- Domino.
1219
01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,318
- DEADPOOL: What's your shtick?
- I'm lucky.
1220
01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:21,686
That's not a superpower.
1221
01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:23,146
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1222
01:06:23,313 --> 01:06:24,530
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1223
01:06:24,606 --> 01:06:25,607
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1224
01:06:25,690 --> 01:06:26,691
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1225
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:27,775
- Yeah, it is.
- Really isn't.
1226
01:06:27,859 --> 01:06:28,951
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
1227
01:06:29,110 --> 01:06:30,111
Told you.
1228
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,537
Get out of my head!
1229
01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:33,289
I'm not in your head.
1230
01:06:33,364 --> 01:06:34,581
I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom.
1231
01:06:34,741 --> 01:06:35,867
Well, if you're so lucky,
1232
01:06:35,950 --> 01:06:37,497
then what are you doing here with us?
1233
01:06:37,577 --> 01:06:38,669
I don't know yet.
1234
01:06:38,745 --> 01:06:39,746
What's that supposed to mean?
1235
01:06:39,829 --> 01:06:41,547
There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
1236
01:06:41,623 --> 01:06:43,375
Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.
1237
01:06:43,458 --> 01:06:45,301
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
1238
01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:47,678
I don't know who that is.
1239
01:06:47,754 --> 01:06:48,926
DEADPOOL: You're hired.
1240
01:06:49,297 --> 01:06:50,298
Lucky me.
1241
01:06:50,381 --> 01:06:51,598
DEADPOOL: I like her!
1242
01:06:52,717 --> 01:06:54,014
And last, but not least...
1243
01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,219
Peter.
1244
01:06:56,596 --> 01:06:58,564
Am I getting catfished here or...?
1245
01:06:59,182 --> 01:07:01,059
Any powers you wanna tell us about?
1246
01:07:01,142 --> 01:07:02,234
PETER: No.
1247
01:07:02,769 --> 01:07:04,442
I don't have one.
1248
01:07:04,521 --> 01:07:05,818
Um, I just saw the ad.
1249
01:07:05,897 --> 01:07:07,615
No superpowers at all?
1250
01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:10,819
Uh, I have both Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
1251
01:07:11,319 --> 01:07:12,616
Ow! Oh!
1252
01:07:12,695 --> 01:07:13,821
That's all the diabetes.
1253
01:07:13,905 --> 01:07:15,157
Right?
Yeah, you got 'em all.
1254
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,163
If you find a Type 3, let us know.
1255
01:07:17,659 --> 01:07:18,660
Yeah.
1256
01:07:18,743 --> 01:07:19,835
You're in.
1257
01:07:19,911 --> 01:07:21,413
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
1258
01:07:23,790 --> 01:07:25,212
It's fulfilling work.
1259
01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:31,593
GUARD: Let's go!
1260
01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:47,777
GUARD:
This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box.
1261
01:07:47,855 --> 01:07:49,232
We are en route.
1262
01:07:56,823 --> 01:07:59,201
CABLE:
Peacetime makes people soft.
1263
01:08:00,785 --> 01:08:02,583
I was born into war.
1264
01:08:04,122 --> 01:08:05,294
Bred into it.
1265
01:08:06,416 --> 01:08:07,417
Okay.
1266
01:08:08,251 --> 01:08:10,595
What's the most pain you've ever felt?
1267
01:08:12,547 --> 01:08:13,764
These restraints are pretty...
1268
01:08:13,840 --> 01:08:15,262
People think they understand pain.
1269
01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:17,180
They have no concept of it
1270
01:08:17,260 --> 01:08:19,228
beyond their own worst experience.
1271
01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:23,979
5 years old. That's what?
1272
01:08:24,058 --> 01:08:25,560
A bee sting.
1273
01:08:25,643 --> 01:08:26,735
Oh, yeah.
1274
01:08:26,811 --> 01:08:29,314
20 years old, shrapnel.
1275
01:08:29,397 --> 01:08:31,695
40 years old, disease.
1276
01:08:32,150 --> 01:08:36,656
Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.
1277
01:08:36,738 --> 01:08:38,115
Yeah, getting old's not for sissies.
1278
01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:39,790
That's what my Grandma Ginny used to...
1279
01:08:39,866 --> 01:08:41,083
I've got a list.
1280
01:08:41,826 --> 01:08:43,794
We're gonna work down it.
1281
01:08:44,495 --> 01:08:45,496
Together.
1282
01:08:46,664 --> 01:08:48,792
Number one, I'm gonna bend something.
1283
01:08:49,751 --> 01:08:52,049
Something that was not meant to bend.
1284
01:08:52,128 --> 01:08:53,175
I'm gonna stop you right there
1285
01:08:53,254 --> 01:08:54,551
because I'm not gonna make it to two.
1286
01:08:54,631 --> 01:08:55,928
I won't even make it to one.
1287
01:08:56,007 --> 01:08:57,680
I don't do well with pain, you know.
1288
01:08:57,759 --> 01:08:59,887
If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day.
1289
01:09:00,178 --> 01:09:02,180
I cried when they canceled Felicity.
1290
01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:04,395
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
1291
01:09:04,474 --> 01:09:05,817
I have one right now.
1292
01:09:05,892 --> 01:09:07,439
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
1293
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:08,565
I don't want you to hurt me,
1294
01:09:08,645 --> 01:09:10,898
and I'll tell you anything you wanna know.
1295
01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,483
Except for where they are.
1296
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,284
Russell's in a convoy heading southbound
1297
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:16,577
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
1298
01:09:16,653 --> 01:09:18,075
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
1299
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:19,576
DEADPOOL:
You all know the plan.
1300
01:09:19,656 --> 01:09:21,374
Intercept the convoy,
1301
01:09:21,449 --> 01:09:23,417
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
1302
01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:24,494
WEASEL: You know what,
1303
01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:25,669
I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either.
1304
01:09:25,745 --> 01:09:28,544
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
1305
01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:31,297
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
1306
01:09:31,376 --> 01:09:33,970
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
1307
01:09:34,045 --> 01:09:37,174
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
1308
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,014
And if we succeed, we all go home early.
1309
01:09:40,468 --> 01:09:42,266
WEASEL:
So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you...
1310
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,855
there's a wind advisory in effect.
1311
01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:51,237
(WIND HOWLING)
1312
01:09:56,192 --> 01:09:57,785
PILOT: (ON PA)
A little turbulent up here.
1313
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,953
I don't know much about this Cable fella...
1314
01:10:07,036 --> 01:10:08,379
but I guarantee he hasn't killed
1315
01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:10,206
as many people as melanoma has.
1316
01:10:11,582 --> 01:10:12,674
We're getting close!
1317
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,669
As a former X-Man...
1318
01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:16,629
- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.
1319
01:10:16,713 --> 01:10:19,057
I was always appalled by the blatant sexism
1320
01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:20,679
in the group's name.
1321
01:10:20,758 --> 01:10:22,760
X-Men! Men!
1322
01:10:22,844 --> 01:10:25,814
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
1323
01:10:25,888 --> 01:10:27,185
Gender neutral.
1324
01:10:27,265 --> 01:10:29,563
From now on, we'll be known as...
1325
01:10:31,811 --> 01:10:33,154
X-Force.
1326
01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:34,947
Isn't that a little derivative?
1327
01:10:35,022 --> 01:10:37,445
I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter!
1328
01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:40,161
That wasn't me.
1329
01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:49,499
Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet...
1330
01:10:49,579 --> 01:10:51,377
intercept the convoy, and grab the boy.
1331
01:10:51,456 --> 01:10:52,503
Let's bring on the carnage, baby!
1332
01:10:52,582 --> 01:10:54,425
Get me on the ground, watch me go!
1333
01:10:54,500 --> 01:10:55,501
ALL: Yeah!
1334
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,337
(ALL WHOOPING)
I can't wait to kill!
1335
01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:59,093
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1336
01:11:00,214 --> 01:11:02,012
I just wanna say how proud I am of this team.
1337
01:11:02,925 --> 01:11:05,769
You know, you guys look amazing!
1338
01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:08,689
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
1339
01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:09,812
This is the family
1340
01:11:09,891 --> 01:11:11,359
that I've always dreamed of having and I...
1341
01:11:12,393 --> 01:11:13,440
Ah, shit.
1342
01:11:13,519 --> 01:11:14,611
(SNIFFLES)
1343
01:11:15,062 --> 01:11:16,735
I just get a little choked up sometimes.
1344
01:11:16,814 --> 01:11:18,612
I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous
1345
01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:20,034
about the high winds?
1346
01:11:20,109 --> 01:11:21,406
- Gary.
- My name's Peter.
1347
01:11:21,486 --> 01:11:23,363
I realize that you're new to this, but relax.
1348
01:11:23,446 --> 01:11:24,868
You've been chosen by a higher power.
1349
01:11:25,156 --> 01:11:27,409
- Did he just call himself God?
- I think he did.
1350
01:11:27,492 --> 01:11:29,039
- I'd like to go home.
- And I'd like...
1351
01:11:29,118 --> 01:11:31,587
the McRib to be available year round,
1352
01:11:31,662 --> 01:11:33,460
but sometimes dreams don't come true.
1353
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,667
I spent 10 years in Special Forces.
1354
01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:36,842
You think we didn't jump out of the plane
1355
01:11:36,918 --> 01:11:38,295
because of a light breeze?
1356
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:41,173
You're in this shit now, Mustache!
1357
01:11:41,255 --> 01:11:43,178
(WHISPERS) I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
1358
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:45,180
I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear.
1359
01:11:45,635 --> 01:11:47,763
Leonard, hit it!
1360
01:11:47,845 --> 01:11:49,688
(ALARM BLARING)
("THUNDERSTRUCK" PLAYING)
1361
01:11:56,521 --> 01:11:58,569
Go! Go! Go!
1362
01:12:01,609 --> 01:12:03,111
(MAN SINGING)
1363
01:12:34,267 --> 01:12:35,644
Let's get some!
1364
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:36,852
Whoo!
1365
01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:38,062
Oh, yeah!
1366
01:12:38,145 --> 01:12:40,989
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
1367
01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,492
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
1368
01:12:43,568 --> 01:12:44,820
Whoa!
1369
01:12:50,074 --> 01:12:51,997
Little off course here.
1370
01:12:53,077 --> 01:12:54,078
(GROANS)
1371
01:12:54,161 --> 01:12:57,005
Holy mommy fucking shit!
1372
01:12:57,748 --> 01:12:59,170
Ah, there they are.
1373
01:12:59,250 --> 01:13:02,345
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS)
1374
01:13:02,879 --> 01:13:04,802
Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!
1375
01:13:06,424 --> 01:13:07,926
(BEDLAM GRUNTS)
(ALL GASP)
1376
01:13:08,009 --> 01:13:09,181
(GASPING DRAMATICALLY)
1377
01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:13,811
No! Tripping motherfucking billies!
1378
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:17,318
Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.
1379
01:13:18,060 --> 01:13:20,483
Left!
1380
01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:22,782
You'd have to be insane to take off in this.
1381
01:13:22,857 --> 01:13:25,076
No, stage left, you idiot!
1382
01:13:25,818 --> 01:13:27,365
(GASPS)
1383
01:13:28,988 --> 01:13:30,490
Well, I guess we found something
1384
01:13:30,573 --> 01:13:31,665
you're not better at.
1385
01:13:33,868 --> 01:13:35,165
Vanisher.
1386
01:13:35,244 --> 01:13:36,996
Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.
1387
01:13:38,539 --> 01:13:40,041
(GRUNTING)
1388
01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,546
Oh! Really?
1389
01:13:41,626 --> 01:13:43,424
All right, we could do this with four.
1390
01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:46,973
Sugarbear.
You got this, buddy!
1391
01:13:47,048 --> 01:13:49,176
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
1392
01:13:50,384 --> 01:13:52,432
Never underestimate a man with a mustache!
1393
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:54,013
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
1394
01:13:54,096 --> 01:13:55,268
(WHOOPS) We did it!
1395
01:13:55,348 --> 01:13:56,850
You're a goddamn superhero, you!
1396
01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,025
X-Force!
1397
01:13:58,643 --> 01:13:59,735
X-Force.
1398
01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:02,939
(SCREAMING)
1399
01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:04,023
(WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING)
1400
01:14:04,106 --> 01:14:05,983
- (GASPS)
- Oh!
1401
01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,110
(EXHALES)
1402
01:14:09,695 --> 01:14:10,696
Peter.
1403
01:14:10,780 --> 01:14:11,781
PETER: I got you, buddy!
1404
01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:12,911
- You're gonna be fine!
- This is not good, man!
1405
01:14:12,990 --> 01:14:15,618
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
1406
01:14:15,701 --> 01:14:17,123
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
1407
01:14:17,203 --> 01:14:19,331
- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.
1408
01:14:23,376 --> 01:14:25,378
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
1409
01:14:25,461 --> 01:14:27,429
- Fucking acidic vomit!
- (SCREAMS)
1410
01:14:27,505 --> 01:14:28,927
(WHIRRING)
1411
01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:31,759
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask.
1412
01:14:31,842 --> 01:14:33,094
(EXHALES)
1413
01:14:34,887 --> 01:14:37,265
DOMINO: Okay, I'm over the convoy.
1414
01:14:37,348 --> 01:14:39,191
Where did the rest of the team land?
1415
01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:41,436
Good news and bad news.
1416
01:14:41,519 --> 01:14:44,614
Bad news is the whole team is dead.
1417
01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:45,781
The good news is,
1418
01:14:45,856 --> 01:14:47,824
I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar.
1419
01:14:47,900 --> 01:14:51,200
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
1420
01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:52,279
DOMINO: Peter!
1421
01:14:52,363 --> 01:14:53,785
Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.
1422
01:14:53,864 --> 01:14:54,956
But there is a slight chance
1423
01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:56,375
Vanisher could make it.
1424
01:14:56,450 --> 01:14:58,999
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Nope, no chance. He's dead.
1425
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,250
DOMINO:
The whole team?
1426
01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,127
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
1427
01:15:02,206 --> 01:15:03,458
Fuck, you are dumb.
1428
01:15:03,541 --> 01:15:05,134
Whoever planned this stunt's
1429
01:15:05,209 --> 01:15:07,382
been smoking a lot jazz cabbage.
1430
01:15:07,461 --> 01:15:08,553
I'll tell you that much.
1431
01:15:08,629 --> 01:15:10,256
That's pretty obvious!
1432
01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:12,057
Looking good, Vanisher.
1433
01:15:21,892 --> 01:15:23,769
They're headed into the tunnel.
1434
01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:26,192
I'm that kid's only hope,
1435
01:15:26,272 --> 01:15:28,149
so sit tight and wait for my word.
1436
01:15:28,899 --> 01:15:29,900
DOMINO: Whatever.
1437
01:15:29,984 --> 01:15:31,156
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
1438
01:15:31,235 --> 01:15:34,159
DEADPOOL:
Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor.
1439
01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:36,741
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
1440
01:15:36,824 --> 01:15:39,873
No, we most certainly are not fucked.
1441
01:15:39,952 --> 01:15:41,329
(CARS HORNS HONKING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1442
01:15:42,997 --> 01:15:45,625
DEADPOOL:
Seriously, I don't get it!
1443
01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:48,177
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
1444
01:15:50,337 --> 01:15:52,135
It's just it's hard to picture.
1445
01:15:52,214 --> 01:15:54,342
And certainly
not very cinematic.
1446
01:15:57,011 --> 01:15:58,604
I mean, luck?
1447
01:15:58,679 --> 01:16:01,182
What coked out, glass pipe-sucking
1448
01:16:01,265 --> 01:16:02,608
freakshow comic book artist...
1449
01:16:02,683 --> 01:16:04,276
came up with that little chestnut?
1450
01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:06,649
Probably a guy who can't draw feet!
1451
01:16:17,740 --> 01:16:20,994
Once again, it all falls on my shoulders.
1452
01:16:21,077 --> 01:16:22,249
It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act.
1453
01:16:22,328 --> 01:16:23,329
- Wander the Earth...
- I'm in.
1454
01:16:23,412 --> 01:16:24,880
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1455
01:16:24,955 --> 01:16:26,047
I'm in.
1456
01:16:26,123 --> 01:16:28,000
How in the fuck are you in already?
1457
01:16:28,459 --> 01:16:29,711
Oh, shit.
1458
01:16:30,294 --> 01:16:31,511
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
1459
01:16:31,587 --> 01:16:32,634
DEADPOOL: Okay.
1460
01:16:32,713 --> 01:16:35,136
New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers
1461
01:16:35,216 --> 01:16:37,935
to stop Cable from killing that kid.
1462
01:16:38,010 --> 01:16:39,637
I'm coming up on your six.
1463
01:16:47,895 --> 01:16:49,897
That gun is amazing!
1464
01:16:49,980 --> 01:16:52,074
(GRUNTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1465
01:16:59,073 --> 01:17:00,996
MAN: Hey! Asshole!
1466
01:17:01,158 --> 01:17:02,751
DOMINO:
Where is he? I can't see him.
1467
01:17:02,827 --> 01:17:04,329
DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.
1468
01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:06,088
He's tearing you open!
1469
01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:07,961
He's going in through the back!
1470
01:17:08,499 --> 01:17:09,591
Oh, God, he's inside!
1471
01:17:09,667 --> 01:17:10,919
You hear yourself, right?
1472
01:17:11,001 --> 01:17:12,423
DEADPOOL:
Accidental double entendres!
1473
01:17:12,503 --> 01:17:14,972
Russell! Russell Collins!
1474
01:17:15,047 --> 01:17:16,970
DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid, John Connor!
1475
01:17:21,971 --> 01:17:22,972
No, no, no!
1476
01:17:27,309 --> 01:17:28,435
Shit!
1477
01:17:29,145 --> 01:17:30,146
(PRISONER SCREAMING)
1478
01:17:32,064 --> 01:17:33,065
(GRUNTS)
1479
01:17:40,906 --> 01:17:41,907
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1480
01:17:50,374 --> 01:17:52,297
DEADPOOL:
Two can play that game!
1481
01:17:54,420 --> 01:17:56,263
Got it! No, I don't.
1482
01:17:57,256 --> 01:17:58,257
Showtime, mama!
1483
01:17:58,340 --> 01:17:59,967
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
1484
01:18:08,267 --> 01:18:09,393
(GUN CLICKS)
1485
01:18:15,983 --> 01:18:16,984
(GROANS)
1486
01:18:33,459 --> 01:18:34,460
(HORNS HONKING)
1487
01:18:35,294 --> 01:18:36,295
(DOMINO GRUNTING)
1488
01:18:37,713 --> 01:18:39,465
I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.
1489
01:18:39,632 --> 01:18:41,680
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
1490
01:18:41,759 --> 01:18:43,227
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1491
01:18:58,275 --> 01:18:59,276
Hang in there, Doms!
1492
01:19:00,611 --> 01:19:02,238
Oh, this is really hard.
1493
01:19:02,321 --> 01:19:03,538
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1494
01:19:13,415 --> 01:19:14,416
(GUNSHOT)
1495
01:19:14,500 --> 01:19:15,922
And give me back my Skee-Ball token.
1496
01:19:19,463 --> 01:19:21,010
- You're doing great.
- X-Force.
1497
01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:24,969
I guess dubstep never dies.
1498
01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,645
("BANGARANG" PLAYING)
1499
01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:30,312
Whoo!
1500
01:19:31,517 --> 01:19:32,689
(LAUGHING)
1501
01:19:34,561 --> 01:19:35,858
(BLACK TOM GROANS)
1502
01:19:35,938 --> 01:19:36,939
(DEADPOOL GASPS)
1503
01:19:37,189 --> 01:19:39,988
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
1504
01:19:40,985 --> 01:19:42,032
(GROWLS)
1505
01:19:42,778 --> 01:19:43,904
That's unfortunate.
1506
01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:48,284
We got no brakes!
1507
01:19:48,450 --> 01:19:49,702
(STRAINING)
Figure it out!
1508
01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:51,874
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1509
01:19:54,081 --> 01:19:55,628
There's nothing I can't kill.
1510
01:19:58,419 --> 01:20:00,922
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin used to say...
1511
01:20:01,005 --> 01:20:03,349
"There's a first time for everything, son."
1512
01:20:05,050 --> 01:20:06,643
Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy.
1513
01:20:19,106 --> 01:20:20,699
(PANTING)
1514
01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:23,406
Those bullets were, like, super fast.
1515
01:20:23,986 --> 01:20:24,987
Here we go.
1516
01:20:26,071 --> 01:20:28,290
Domino, mind slowing us down?
1517
01:20:28,365 --> 01:20:30,459
(SIGHS) Here goes nothing.
1518
01:20:30,534 --> 01:20:31,831
(HORN HONKING)
1519
01:20:33,704 --> 01:20:35,172
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1520
01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:40,002
(HONKING)
1521
01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:03,400
MAN: Knock, knock.
1522
01:21:09,948 --> 01:21:10,949
That's my boy.
1523
01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:12,330
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1524
01:21:17,373 --> 01:21:18,545
Holy...
1525
01:21:18,624 --> 01:21:19,625
(GRUNTS)
1526
01:21:23,462 --> 01:21:24,884
("ONLY TIME" PLAYING)
1527
01:21:27,257 --> 01:21:28,759
(YELLING)
1528
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:30,435
DEADPOOL:
I'll be first to admit...
1529
01:21:30,511 --> 01:21:32,889
this did not go according to plan.
1530
01:21:34,223 --> 01:21:35,770
I'll also be the first to admit that
1531
01:21:35,849 --> 01:21:37,692
that plan was written in crayon.
1532
01:21:37,768 --> 01:21:40,988
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
1533
01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:42,610
Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass,
1534
01:21:42,689 --> 01:21:45,568
and maybe, possibly mildly lucky.
1535
01:21:45,651 --> 01:21:48,905
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
1536
01:21:48,987 --> 01:21:50,159
(CHUCKLES) A mood that is
1537
01:21:50,239 --> 01:21:52,037
about to get significantly worse.
1538
01:21:53,659 --> 01:21:54,706
(SQUEAKS)
1539
01:21:58,372 --> 01:21:59,498
(SIGHS)
1540
01:22:12,010 --> 01:22:13,853
(GROANS)
1541
01:22:15,806 --> 01:22:18,229
Something is so terribly, terribly wrong.
1542
01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:22,654
Oh.
(NECK SNAPS)
1543
01:22:23,105 --> 01:22:24,357
(GROANS)
1544
01:22:24,440 --> 01:22:26,067
Oh, God, that hurt.
1545
01:22:26,150 --> 01:22:27,777
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
1546
01:22:28,318 --> 01:22:29,695
(GROANING)
1547
01:22:31,321 --> 01:22:32,413
Russell.
1548
01:22:35,117 --> 01:22:36,209
Russell!
1549
01:22:36,827 --> 01:22:38,921
Russ, where are ya?
1550
01:22:42,541 --> 01:22:44,635
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
1551
01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:47,967
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God!
1552
01:22:48,255 --> 01:22:49,472
Juggernaut!
1553
01:22:49,631 --> 01:22:50,723
(GASPS)
1554
01:22:50,799 --> 01:22:52,801
I thought that was you!
1555
01:22:52,885 --> 01:22:54,979
I should've worn my white pants.
1556
01:22:55,721 --> 01:22:58,725
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
1557
01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:02,900
Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.
1558
01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:04,275
X-Men Unlimited 12.
1559
01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:06,448
You know, it has always been a dream of mine...
1560
01:23:06,523 --> 01:23:08,275
to see my face reflected in your helmet...
1561
01:23:08,358 --> 01:23:10,531
as you charge at me with murderous intent.
1562
01:23:10,611 --> 01:23:12,113
I don't mean right now.
1563
01:23:12,446 --> 01:23:14,323
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
1564
01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:16,750
(LAUGHS) That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
1565
01:23:16,825 --> 01:23:18,168
(DEADPOOL SCREAMING)
1566
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:24,834
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
1567
01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:26,009
I can't feel...
1568
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:28,462
Oh, no, they're right here.
1569
01:23:29,296 --> 01:23:31,048
Got 'em.
God, Russell.
1570
01:23:31,131 --> 01:23:32,974
I have a mission.
1571
01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:34,635
To get my revenge.
1572
01:23:35,135 --> 01:23:37,388
I'm going to burn that headmaster alive.
1573
01:23:37,471 --> 01:23:39,644
You're not the revenge type.
1574
01:23:39,723 --> 01:23:40,895
Take it from a friend.
1575
01:23:41,308 --> 01:23:45,029
Friend? You were sick, and I protected you.
1576
01:23:45,187 --> 01:23:47,315
You said it yourself.
1577
01:23:47,397 --> 01:23:50,071
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
1578
01:23:50,150 --> 01:23:51,367
So I did.
1579
01:23:51,610 --> 01:23:53,032
(GRUNTS)
1580
01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:55,159
Russell, I couldn't protect you back then.
1581
01:23:55,322 --> 01:23:58,792
But I can now.
What do you want me to say, huh?
1582
01:23:59,368 --> 01:24:01,211
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
1583
01:24:01,286 --> 01:24:03,129
I care about you, Russell.
1584
01:24:03,747 --> 01:24:05,841
What's Juggernaut got that I don't have?
1585
01:24:05,916 --> 01:24:09,090
Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!
1586
01:24:09,628 --> 01:24:12,427
- Legs!
- Still hurts to hear out loud!
1587
01:24:14,591 --> 01:24:17,515
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
1588
01:24:17,594 --> 01:24:19,938
You get back here, young man!
(SIRENS WAILING)
1589
01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:22,015
Doms!
1590
01:24:22,391 --> 01:24:24,564
Doms, get me out of here, please.
1591
01:24:24,643 --> 01:24:27,066
Use my arms as backpack straps.
1592
01:24:29,773 --> 01:24:30,865
I think we may have found
1593
01:24:30,941 --> 01:24:32,739
your cosmic reason for being here.
1594
01:24:33,151 --> 01:24:34,903
I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
1595
01:24:34,987 --> 01:24:36,239
DEADPOOL: X-Force.
1596
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:51,549
BLIND AL:
No child is hopeless.
1597
01:24:51,628 --> 01:24:54,427
- Don't give up on the boy.
- How could he just walk away?
1598
01:24:55,173 --> 01:24:57,426
It was the coldness in his eyes.
1599
01:24:57,884 --> 01:24:59,477
You should've heard it.
1600
01:25:00,262 --> 01:25:01,309
(WADE SIGHS)
1601
01:25:01,388 --> 01:25:03,686
I guess family really is an F-word.
1602
01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:06,773
(GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama.
1603
01:25:06,852 --> 01:25:08,229
Why would I rub your legs?
1604
01:25:08,312 --> 01:25:10,906
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
1605
01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:12,616
(BLIND AL SIGHS)
1606
01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,576
What in the...
1607
01:25:16,069 --> 01:25:18,322
Why is your hand so tiny again?
1608
01:25:18,822 --> 01:25:20,199
That's not my hand.
1609
01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:22,542
Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!
1610
01:25:23,118 --> 01:25:24,995
- That was nice for me.
- (DOOR OPENS)
1611
01:25:25,078 --> 01:25:27,831
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
1612
01:25:27,914 --> 01:25:28,961
(GASPS)
1613
01:25:30,584 --> 01:25:31,676
(WEASEL RETCHES)
1614
01:25:32,336 --> 01:25:34,179
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
1615
01:25:34,671 --> 01:25:36,844
A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
1616
01:25:36,923 --> 01:25:38,846
WEASEL: Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.
1617
01:25:38,925 --> 01:25:40,927
You're just straight shirt-cocking it,
1618
01:25:41,011 --> 01:25:42,433
toddler-style.
1619
01:25:42,512 --> 01:25:44,435
Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.
1620
01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:46,482
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
1621
01:25:46,558 --> 01:25:47,775
I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.
1622
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:49,444
- WEASEL: It's like, um...
- Here we go.
1623
01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:50,736
It's like he was giving birth anally,
1624
01:25:50,812 --> 01:25:52,314
but they quit halfway through.
1625
01:25:52,397 --> 01:25:53,489
They got the legs out, and they said,
1626
01:25:53,565 --> 01:25:54,908
"You know what, I'm done."
1627
01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:55,984
Happy?
1628
01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:57,115
It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down.
1629
01:25:57,194 --> 01:25:58,537
But this time, you can see
1630
01:25:58,612 --> 01:26:00,034
the Muppet's dick.
(DOOR OPENS)
1631
01:26:00,113 --> 01:26:01,239
Grover's got a cock the size of a twig.
1632
01:26:01,323 --> 01:26:02,620
DOPINDER:
Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked.
1633
01:26:02,699 --> 01:26:04,372
I've had three tickets already. (SCREAMS)
1634
01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:08,463
No, no, no, DP, not again!
1635
01:26:08,789 --> 01:26:10,336
This has happened before?
(DOPINDER RETCHING)
1636
01:26:11,458 --> 01:26:12,880
(DOOR OPENS)
Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
1637
01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:14,256
The indecision is killing me.
1638
01:26:14,336 --> 01:26:16,213
Why couldn't God take my hearing?
1639
01:26:17,798 --> 01:26:19,971
Oh. Wow!
1640
01:26:20,050 --> 01:26:21,677
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
1641
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:23,353
I'm talking about your face.
1642
01:26:23,762 --> 01:26:25,639
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
1643
01:26:25,722 --> 01:26:27,895
- Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado.
1644
01:26:27,974 --> 01:26:29,601
DOMINO: Your legs, though, they're cute.
1645
01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,733
You wanna borrow a pair of pants?
1646
01:26:33,313 --> 01:26:34,860
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
1647
01:26:34,940 --> 01:26:37,238
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
1648
01:26:37,693 --> 01:26:39,286
I'll tell you why I'm here.
1649
01:26:39,361 --> 01:26:41,659
"The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband...
1650
01:26:41,738 --> 01:26:42,910
beat me within an inch of my life.
1651
01:26:42,989 --> 01:26:44,241
He was torturing me!
1652
01:26:44,324 --> 01:26:47,248
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
1653
01:26:47,327 --> 01:26:49,500
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
1654
01:26:49,996 --> 01:26:51,122
So we can go after him without me.
1655
01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:52,207
WADE: No!
1656
01:26:52,624 --> 01:26:53,967
I'm doing this alone.
1657
01:26:54,042 --> 01:26:55,134
The Juggernaut
1658
01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:56,382
will kill you all.
- Fair enough.
1659
01:26:56,461 --> 01:26:58,509
WADE: I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
1660
01:26:58,588 --> 01:26:59,680
under me.
- What will you do?
1661
01:26:59,756 --> 01:27:01,053
WADE: I don't care what the kid did to me.
1662
01:27:01,133 --> 01:27:02,430
I ain't letting Cable get to him,
1663
01:27:02,509 --> 01:27:03,806
even if I have to teabag him to death.
1664
01:27:03,885 --> 01:27:05,887
It's really just a sip of tea at this point.
1665
01:27:05,971 --> 01:27:07,723
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
1666
01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:08,807
The first order of business is
1667
01:27:08,890 --> 01:27:09,982
to get me in front of Cable...
1668
01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:11,685
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
1669
01:27:11,768 --> 01:27:14,112
and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry.
1670
01:27:14,187 --> 01:27:15,939
Then, I'm gonna take his skin...
1671
01:27:16,022 --> 01:27:19,117
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
1672
01:27:20,694 --> 01:27:22,287
He's standing right behind you, isn't he?
1673
01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:26,700
(COCKS GUN)
1674
01:27:30,954 --> 01:27:32,706
What in the ass?
1675
01:27:32,998 --> 01:27:36,093
Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr?
1676
01:27:36,376 --> 01:27:38,925
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
1677
01:27:39,463 --> 01:27:42,012
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
1678
01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:46,933
No. It's his "Basic Instinct."
1679
01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:48,142
What can we help you with?
1680
01:27:48,847 --> 01:27:50,520
I'm here to proposition you.
1681
01:27:52,017 --> 01:27:53,109
(LAUGHS) Oh, boy!
1682
01:27:53,185 --> 01:27:54,186
He's really teeing it up, isn't he?
1683
01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:56,363
Who gets to make the first joke?
1684
01:27:56,438 --> 01:27:57,735
I think we should all do it at the same time.
1685
01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:58,815
Good call.
1686
01:27:58,899 --> 01:28:00,446
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
1687
01:28:00,525 --> 01:28:01,697
BOTH: I only do over the pants, mouth stuff.
1688
01:28:01,777 --> 01:28:02,869
Fuck!
1689
01:28:02,944 --> 01:28:03,991
The Proposition has a wonderful
1690
01:28:04,070 --> 01:28:05,071
Guy Pearce performance.
1691
01:28:05,155 --> 01:28:06,907
WADE: Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
1692
01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:09,334
- Give us the line again.
- I need your help!
1693
01:28:09,868 --> 01:28:12,166
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
1694
01:28:12,245 --> 01:28:14,873
but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
1695
01:28:15,415 --> 01:28:17,668
I can't bring him down alone.
1696
01:28:17,834 --> 01:28:19,381
So here we are.
1697
01:28:20,712 --> 01:28:22,464
We're no longer accepting applications
1698
01:28:22,547 --> 01:28:23,924
for X-Force, unfortunately.
1699
01:28:24,007 --> 01:28:25,429
Even if we were...
1700
01:28:25,509 --> 01:28:27,136
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
1701
01:28:27,219 --> 01:28:28,391
We don't have a lot of time.
1702
01:28:28,470 --> 01:28:30,222
Your friend's about to make his first kill.
1703
01:28:30,305 --> 01:28:31,773
No offense, but if you know so much...
1704
01:28:31,848 --> 01:28:34,192
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
1705
01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:35,769
Or better yet, head back a little further,
1706
01:28:35,852 --> 01:28:36,853
kill baby Hitler.
1707
01:28:36,937 --> 01:28:38,905
I use a device to slide through time.
1708
01:28:38,980 --> 01:28:41,608
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
1709
01:28:41,691 --> 01:28:44,285
I got two charges: one to get me here,
1710
01:28:44,361 --> 01:28:45,487
one to get me home.
1711
01:28:45,570 --> 01:28:46,696
Well.
1712
01:28:46,780 --> 01:28:48,657
That's just lazy writing.
1713
01:28:48,740 --> 01:28:49,957
Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster
1714
01:28:50,033 --> 01:28:51,580
of the orphanage tonight.
1715
01:28:51,660 --> 01:28:53,754
After that, he gets a real taste for it.
1716
01:28:53,829 --> 01:28:56,548
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
1717
01:28:56,623 --> 01:28:58,591
So he keeps killing...
1718
01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:00,135
and killing, and killing,
1719
01:29:00,210 --> 01:29:01,427
and killing.
(GUNS COCKING)
1720
01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:04,973
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
1721
01:29:07,551 --> 01:29:08,928
My people.
1722
01:29:12,848 --> 01:29:13,974
Relax.
1723
01:29:14,057 --> 01:29:16,526
I'm retrieving something from my utility bag.
1724
01:29:16,601 --> 01:29:19,150
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
1725
01:29:19,229 --> 01:29:21,778
and you know it, you sick son of a bitch!
1726
01:29:21,857 --> 01:29:23,530
The difference is night and day.
1727
01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:27,488
You remind me of my wife.
1728
01:29:27,654 --> 01:29:28,780
I'm sorry.
1729
01:29:29,197 --> 01:29:30,244
I said, "You remind me of my wife."
1730
01:29:30,323 --> 01:29:31,620
No, I'm sorry that you said that...
1731
01:29:31,700 --> 01:29:34,453
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
1732
01:29:34,536 --> 01:29:35,708
CABLE: She always struggled.
1733
01:29:36,830 --> 01:29:38,252
But she was funny...
1734
01:29:38,331 --> 01:29:40,834
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
1735
01:29:41,710 --> 01:29:43,929
Something I could never master.
1736
01:29:44,838 --> 01:29:47,057
It was my fault she died.
1737
01:29:48,675 --> 01:29:51,349
It was my job to stop people like him.
1738
01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:54,355
I came close a few times.
("TOMORROW" PLAYING)
1739
01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:00,233
He wasn't too happy about that.
1740
01:30:01,938 --> 01:30:03,064
He was trying to hurt me...
1741
01:30:03,148 --> 01:30:05,116
and he knew exactly how to do it.
1742
01:30:09,154 --> 01:30:10,827
OLDER RUSSELL:
Blessed are the wicked
1743
01:30:10,906 --> 01:30:12,499
who are healed by my hand.
1744
01:30:15,619 --> 01:30:17,041
CABLE: He came into my home...
1745
01:30:17,996 --> 01:30:20,875
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
1746
01:30:25,086 --> 01:30:26,463
Sound familiar?
1747
01:30:27,505 --> 01:30:29,098
- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
1748
01:30:29,174 --> 01:30:30,847
No, I'm really sorry.
1749
01:30:33,053 --> 01:30:35,181
But that isn't Russell.
1750
01:30:35,263 --> 01:30:37,106
- It doesn't have to be him.
- If you knew what I knew...
1751
01:30:37,182 --> 01:30:39,184
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
1752
01:30:39,267 --> 01:30:40,769
maybe a small learning disability...
1753
01:30:40,852 --> 01:30:42,229
splash of diabetes...
1754
01:30:42,312 --> 01:30:43,609
but nothing that can't be fixed.
1755
01:30:43,688 --> 01:30:45,315
If you could go back...
1756
01:30:45,398 --> 01:30:48,072
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
1757
01:30:48,360 --> 01:30:49,577
No.
1758
01:30:49,653 --> 01:30:51,371
I'd buy them all a bouquet of hand jobs.
1759
01:30:51,446 --> 01:30:53,198
Of course I fucking would!
1760
01:30:53,949 --> 01:30:55,041
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
1761
01:30:55,116 --> 01:30:57,118
I'm not asking you to kill a kid!
1762
01:30:57,202 --> 01:30:58,749
I'll kill the kid.
1763
01:30:58,828 --> 01:31:02,298
I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids.
1764
01:31:02,374 --> 01:31:04,672
Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage.
1765
01:31:04,751 --> 01:31:06,753
And I can imagine your dead girlfriend...
1766
01:31:06,836 --> 01:31:09,089
would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?
1767
01:31:10,090 --> 01:31:12,684
So, what's it gonna be, handsome?
1768
01:31:13,343 --> 01:31:15,016
Give me a chance to save him.
1769
01:31:15,095 --> 01:31:16,517
- What?
- You said...
1770
01:31:16,596 --> 01:31:18,189
once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it.
1771
01:31:18,264 --> 01:31:20,608
If we can get to him before that happens...
1772
01:31:20,684 --> 01:31:22,311
promise you'll give me a chance
1773
01:31:22,394 --> 01:31:24,192
to put him on a different path.
1774
01:31:24,270 --> 01:31:25,442
Define "chance."
1775
01:31:25,522 --> 01:31:26,694
I don't know.
How long does it take
1776
01:31:26,773 --> 01:31:28,070
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
1777
01:31:28,149 --> 01:31:29,401
I'll give you 30 seconds.
1778
01:31:29,484 --> 01:31:31,486
- What? No!
- Best I can do.
1779
01:31:31,569 --> 01:31:32,866
Take it or leave it.
1780
01:31:43,331 --> 01:31:44,753
- (CABLE GROANS)
- WEASEL: He's doing it!
1781
01:31:44,833 --> 01:31:46,380
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
1782
01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:48,344
(RETCHES)
There he goes.
1783
01:31:48,503 --> 01:31:49,925
CABLE: Jesus Christ!
1784
01:31:50,005 --> 01:31:51,473
WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it.
1785
01:31:51,548 --> 01:31:52,549
Ugh.
1786
01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:54,851
WEASEL:
There you go, little fella.
1787
01:31:55,593 --> 01:31:56,936
Go on, you're doing it!
1788
01:31:57,345 --> 01:32:00,189
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
1789
01:32:02,392 --> 01:32:03,484
DOMINO: Christ!
1790
01:32:03,560 --> 01:32:05,187
That's disturbing.
1791
01:32:05,270 --> 01:32:06,692
30 seconds.
1792
01:32:12,068 --> 01:32:13,570
- Deal.
- Deal.
1793
01:32:16,573 --> 01:32:18,371
(FARTING)
1794
01:32:19,993 --> 01:32:23,042
Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.
1795
01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:25,089
I really wanted to match, you know?
1796
01:32:25,165 --> 01:32:27,167
Being a menacing team.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1797
01:32:27,250 --> 01:32:28,376
Oh, man, it sucks.
1798
01:32:28,460 --> 01:32:30,053
That was some cold-ass shit, kid.
1799
01:32:31,755 --> 01:32:34,258
DEADPOOL:
And that is just the first five steps
1800
01:32:34,340 --> 01:32:36,058
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
1801
01:32:36,968 --> 01:32:38,390
Where the hell are we going?
1802
01:32:38,470 --> 01:32:39,722
DEADPOOL:
You said it yourself.
1803
01:32:39,804 --> 01:32:42,728
Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.
We need backup.
1804
01:32:42,807 --> 01:32:45,560
I will bathe in the blood of your enemies.
1805
01:32:45,810 --> 01:32:47,938
(BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
1806
01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,525
Can you turn off the music?
1807
01:32:52,525 --> 01:32:54,527
You'll do no such thing.
1808
01:32:54,694 --> 01:32:56,537
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
1809
01:32:56,613 --> 01:32:58,331
- I'm sorry?
- Apology accepted.
1810
01:32:58,406 --> 01:33:00,454
This is a side of you I do not like.
1811
01:33:00,533 --> 01:33:01,534
Let me guess,
1812
01:33:01,618 --> 01:33:03,165
some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.
1813
01:33:03,453 --> 01:33:04,579
What the hell are you...?
1814
01:33:04,662 --> 01:33:06,585
Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head.
1815
01:33:06,664 --> 01:33:07,916
I am so sorry.
It gets better.
1816
01:33:07,999 --> 01:33:09,546
I'm not a fucking racist, moron!
1817
01:33:09,626 --> 01:33:11,503
That's precisely what a racist would say.
1818
01:33:11,711 --> 01:33:13,338
I'm with the old white guy on this one.
1819
01:33:13,421 --> 01:33:14,638
And that's a twist.
1820
01:33:14,714 --> 01:33:15,840
When this is over...
1821
01:33:15,924 --> 01:33:18,097
I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.
1822
01:33:18,176 --> 01:33:20,304
And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.
1823
01:33:20,386 --> 01:33:21,763
I should have finished college.
1824
01:33:21,846 --> 01:33:22,938
DEADPOOL:
So what exactly do you
1825
01:33:23,014 --> 01:33:24,015
do in the future, anyway, huh?
1826
01:33:24,099 --> 01:33:25,316
Some kind of soldier?
1827
01:33:25,391 --> 01:33:27,189
Yeah, something like that.
1828
01:33:27,268 --> 01:33:29,441
DEADPOOL: I was a soldier.
Special Forces.
1829
01:33:29,521 --> 01:33:32,149
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
1830
01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:34,200
50 years from now, you're very dead.
1831
01:33:34,275 --> 01:33:36,653
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
1832
01:33:36,736 --> 01:33:38,283
Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION)
1833
01:33:38,363 --> 01:33:39,615
Spoiler alert.
1834
01:33:39,697 --> 01:33:40,789
(SNICKERS)
1835
01:33:40,865 --> 01:33:42,082
(SIGHS) Planets.
1836
01:33:42,242 --> 01:33:43,789
Next time, Uber.
1837
01:33:43,868 --> 01:33:45,165
Here's a spoiler alert.
1838
01:33:46,329 --> 01:33:48,127
You're not a fucking hero.
1839
01:33:48,331 --> 01:33:52,052
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
1840
01:33:52,418 --> 01:33:53,590
DEADPOOL:
Well, I got news for you.
1841
01:33:53,670 --> 01:33:54,967
My heart is in the right place.
1842
01:33:55,046 --> 01:33:56,548
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
1843
01:33:56,631 --> 01:33:58,554
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
1844
01:33:58,633 --> 01:33:59,680
We're all going to die.
1845
01:33:59,759 --> 01:34:00,976
Because of you, I'll always know
1846
01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:02,929
what a grown man with baby balls looks like.
1847
01:34:03,054 --> 01:34:05,352
I'm a grower, not a shower.
1848
01:34:05,515 --> 01:34:06,641
God, I wish this were a bus
1849
01:34:06,724 --> 01:34:07,850
where I could pull the string and get out.
1850
01:34:07,934 --> 01:34:09,561
It's a good thing Cable's not driving,
1851
01:34:09,644 --> 01:34:10,645
or you'd be in the back.
1852
01:34:10,854 --> 01:34:12,652
- I am in the back.
- DEADPOOL: Right here!
1853
01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:14,570
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1854
01:34:15,900 --> 01:34:17,698
("IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING ON BOOM BOX)
1855
01:34:29,038 --> 01:34:30,290
(GROANS)
1856
01:34:31,374 --> 01:34:33,047
DEADPOOL: I made mistakes!
1857
01:34:33,501 --> 01:34:35,048
I wanna take them back!
1858
01:34:35,211 --> 01:34:38,090
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
1859
01:34:38,214 --> 01:34:39,636
and turned it into a glory hole
1860
01:34:39,716 --> 01:34:41,218
in an airport bathroom.
1861
01:34:41,301 --> 01:34:44,054
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
1862
01:34:44,637 --> 01:34:47,186
But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.
1863
01:34:47,265 --> 01:34:48,767
I was once an X-Man.
1864
01:34:48,850 --> 01:34:49,897
Trainee!
1865
01:34:50,977 --> 01:34:52,149
(MUSIC STOPS)
1866
01:34:54,564 --> 01:34:57,067
You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw.
1867
01:34:57,150 --> 01:34:58,743
They do stick better than tape.
1868
01:34:58,818 --> 01:34:59,819
Hi, Wade!
1869
01:34:59,903 --> 01:35:00,904
Please don't.
1870
01:35:00,987 --> 01:35:03,740
Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.
1871
01:35:03,823 --> 01:35:04,824
Right. Quick.
1872
01:35:04,908 --> 01:35:06,785
It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.
1873
01:35:06,868 --> 01:35:07,869
And just like me,
1874
01:35:07,952 --> 01:35:09,169
he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him...
1875
01:35:09,245 --> 01:35:10,497
because the whole world wrote him off
1876
01:35:10,580 --> 01:35:11,957
as a piece of shit a long time ago.
1877
01:35:12,040 --> 01:35:13,713
Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut!
1878
01:35:13,791 --> 01:35:14,963
(GASPS) The Juggernaut!
1879
01:35:15,335 --> 01:35:17,053
Who's, like, my favorite
Marvel character ever...
1880
01:35:17,128 --> 01:35:19,301
And hi, Yukio!
That was really nice of you to say hi...
1881
01:35:19,380 --> 01:35:20,723
so I'm saying hi back.
1882
01:35:20,798 --> 01:35:22,141
You guys make a super cute couple.
1883
01:35:22,217 --> 01:35:23,890
Yeah. Where was I?
1884
01:35:23,968 --> 01:35:25,811
Oh, yeah. You should never meet your heroes...
1885
01:35:25,887 --> 01:35:27,560
because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick!
1886
01:35:27,639 --> 01:35:29,391
And like a lot of dicks, he's hard as a rock...
1887
01:35:29,474 --> 01:35:30,691
and causes nothing but problems!
1888
01:35:30,767 --> 01:35:33,771
Look, you can stop the Juggernaut.
I know you can.
1889
01:35:33,853 --> 01:35:37,027
Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?
1890
01:35:37,106 --> 01:35:39,154
I would be disgraced.
1891
01:35:39,234 --> 01:35:41,236
You are a criminal, a fugitive.
1892
01:35:41,319 --> 01:35:42,821
But worst of all...
1893
01:35:42,904 --> 01:35:44,656
you broke my heart, Wade.
1894
01:35:46,324 --> 01:35:47,371
Then you know what?
1895
01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,952
Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy.
1896
01:35:50,245 --> 01:35:52,919
Doing the right thing is sometimes messy...
1897
01:35:52,997 --> 01:35:56,342
and fucked up,
and not particularly convenient!
1898
01:35:56,417 --> 01:35:59,512
So stay here in Château de Virgin...
1899
01:35:59,587 --> 01:36:01,715
while we go get our fuck on!
1900
01:36:04,884 --> 01:36:06,261
DOMINO: You're doing great.
1901
01:36:08,930 --> 01:36:10,307
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
1902
01:36:11,933 --> 01:36:13,401
RUSSELL: So you wear that helmet because
1903
01:36:13,476 --> 01:36:15,194
your brother tries to read your mind?
1904
01:36:15,270 --> 01:36:18,490
JUGGERNAUT:
Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven.
1905
01:36:18,564 --> 01:36:21,033
MAN: Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
1906
01:36:21,109 --> 01:36:23,032
And he's not alone.
1907
01:36:23,111 --> 01:36:24,784
HEADMASTER: Secure the children.
1908
01:36:27,198 --> 01:36:29,576
They will not replace us.
1909
01:36:29,993 --> 01:36:32,291
What do you say we go fuck some shit up?
1910
01:36:32,829 --> 01:36:36,675
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
1911
01:36:40,003 --> 01:36:42,472
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
1912
01:36:42,672 --> 01:36:44,219
Amen, brother.
1913
01:36:45,800 --> 01:36:47,097
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1914
01:36:50,763 --> 01:36:52,265
Time to make the chimichangas.
1915
01:36:52,432 --> 01:36:54,059
30 seconds.
1916
01:36:54,684 --> 01:36:56,812
I finally know why I'm here.
1917
01:36:57,228 --> 01:36:59,151
I was raised in this place.
1918
01:36:59,230 --> 01:37:01,449
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
1919
01:37:01,524 --> 01:37:04,368
Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here.
1920
01:37:04,444 --> 01:37:05,741
- Shall we?
- This is gonna be fun.
1921
01:37:05,820 --> 01:37:06,867
DEADPOOL: Yeah!
1922
01:37:06,946 --> 01:37:08,289
Hey! Been meaning to ask you...
1923
01:37:08,364 --> 01:37:11,618
what's with the dirty, disgusting hobo bear?
1924
01:37:11,701 --> 01:37:14,375
It's not dirt.
It's the blood of my dead daughter.
1925
01:37:14,912 --> 01:37:17,290
Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
1926
01:37:17,665 --> 01:37:19,042
Give me some.
1927
01:37:19,125 --> 01:37:20,627
They say laughter heals anything...
1928
01:37:20,752 --> 01:37:21,844
except, of course, that.
1929
01:37:21,919 --> 01:37:23,136
We should just cue the music.
1930
01:37:24,255 --> 01:37:26,132
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1931
01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:50,998
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
1932
01:37:52,200 --> 01:37:53,201
Russell!
1933
01:37:53,284 --> 01:37:55,707
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
1934
01:37:56,746 --> 01:37:57,998
Why are you dressed like the Unabomber?
1935
01:37:58,081 --> 01:37:59,754
(YELLING)
1936
01:38:02,377 --> 01:38:03,378
That's why!
1937
01:38:03,461 --> 01:38:04,508
Told you this little fucker's too far gone.
1938
01:38:04,587 --> 01:38:06,715
Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck...
1939
01:38:06,798 --> 01:38:08,766
(GROANS)
JUGGERNAUT: Hey!
1940
01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:12,429
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
1941
01:38:13,554 --> 01:38:15,727
My body and my hands are so soft.
1942
01:38:15,807 --> 01:38:16,979
You should probably head back to the car.
1943
01:38:17,100 --> 01:38:18,647
I think I'll head back to the car.
1944
01:38:19,936 --> 01:38:22,610
It works best when you pull the trigger.
1945
01:38:24,315 --> 01:38:25,316
(GROANS)
1946
01:38:25,525 --> 01:38:26,822
That gun is amazing!
1947
01:38:28,152 --> 01:38:29,369
RUSSELL: Say it!
1948
01:38:31,531 --> 01:38:34,535
You are an abomination!
1949
01:38:34,617 --> 01:38:35,789
(GRUNTS)
1950
01:38:41,874 --> 01:38:45,128
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
1951
01:38:45,211 --> 01:38:47,634
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
1952
01:38:52,009 --> 01:38:53,101
Gotcha!
1953
01:38:53,886 --> 01:38:55,058
JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget!
1954
01:38:58,057 --> 01:39:00,776
Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low!
1955
01:39:01,185 --> 01:39:02,277
Oh, shit fuck!
1956
01:39:02,854 --> 01:39:04,197
(SCREAMING)
1957
01:39:14,740 --> 01:39:16,083
(JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS)
1958
01:39:16,159 --> 01:39:17,752
Come here, beautiful.
1959
01:39:25,501 --> 01:39:26,627
Whoo!
1960
01:39:35,845 --> 01:39:36,937
RUSSELL: Say it!
1961
01:39:52,028 --> 01:39:53,905
("IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING)
1962
01:40:55,049 --> 01:40:56,175
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
1963
01:40:59,011 --> 01:41:00,308
(MUMBLES)
1964
01:41:00,388 --> 01:41:01,480
You came for me.
1965
01:41:01,556 --> 01:41:02,978
I'm not giving up on you,
1966
01:41:03,057 --> 01:41:05,151
and you are not giving up on that boy.
1967
01:41:05,226 --> 01:41:07,228
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
1968
01:41:07,311 --> 01:41:09,564
It's time to fight dirty.
1969
01:41:09,730 --> 01:41:11,073
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
1970
01:41:11,148 --> 01:41:13,901
Hey! Pick on someone your own size!
1971
01:41:13,985 --> 01:41:16,033
That's such a you thing to say!
1972
01:41:16,112 --> 01:41:17,705
Go get him, tiger!
1973
01:41:18,114 --> 01:41:19,991
Big CGI fight coming up!
1974
01:41:20,992 --> 01:41:22,460
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1975
01:41:22,994 --> 01:41:24,371
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1976
01:41:28,916 --> 01:41:30,293
(GRUNTS)
1977
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:33,011
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BONE CRACKS)
1978
01:41:33,087 --> 01:41:34,213
(SCREAMS)
1979
01:41:43,055 --> 01:41:44,398
He's doing great.
1980
01:41:44,473 --> 01:41:45,690
RUSSELL: Say it!
1981
01:41:49,854 --> 01:41:51,276
- Russell.
- DEADPOOL: Bingo!
1982
01:41:54,525 --> 01:41:55,777
(GROANING)
1983
01:41:56,652 --> 01:41:58,620
JUGGERNAUT: You see that bus?
1984
01:41:58,696 --> 01:41:59,788
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
1985
01:42:00,448 --> 01:42:01,700
(METAL CLANGS)
1986
01:42:01,782 --> 01:42:03,204
(GROANS)
1987
01:42:03,284 --> 01:42:05,252
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
1988
01:42:06,621 --> 01:42:07,588
Oh, great!
1989
01:42:07,663 --> 01:42:08,664
ORDERLY: There they are!
Those freaks!
1990
01:42:08,748 --> 01:42:10,341
DEADPOOL:
A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes.
1991
01:42:10,791 --> 01:42:12,464
Can I have one of those guns?
1992
01:42:13,002 --> 01:42:14,675
- No.
- That's fine.
1993
01:42:14,837 --> 01:42:16,680
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
1994
01:42:16,839 --> 01:42:17,840
I'm just gonna use this brick.
1995
01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:19,592
Maximum effort.
1996
01:42:19,717 --> 01:42:21,139
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1997
01:42:25,723 --> 01:42:27,475
Who says you can't go home again?
1998
01:42:29,477 --> 01:42:30,820
(ALL GRUNTING)
1999
01:42:36,567 --> 01:42:37,989
(SCREAMS)
CHILDREN: Oh!
2000
01:42:44,617 --> 01:42:45,618
CHILDREN: Yeah!
2001
01:42:47,828 --> 01:42:49,171
Say it.
2002
01:42:49,538 --> 01:42:52,587
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
2003
01:42:53,125 --> 01:42:54,126
Say it!
2004
01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:57,214
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
2005
01:42:58,422 --> 01:43:00,049
Blessed are the wicked...
2006
01:43:00,591 --> 01:43:01,808
who are healed...
2007
01:43:02,301 --> 01:43:03,803
by my hand.
2008
01:43:04,720 --> 01:43:06,063
(YELLS)
2009
01:43:15,981 --> 01:43:17,449
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2010
01:43:21,862 --> 01:43:23,580
You commie motherfucker!
2011
01:43:27,785 --> 01:43:28,957
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
2012
01:43:30,162 --> 01:43:31,209
(SPITS)
2013
01:43:31,288 --> 01:43:32,835
(YELLS)
2014
01:43:38,087 --> 01:43:39,304
(GROANS)
2015
01:43:50,641 --> 01:43:52,359
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
2016
01:43:53,227 --> 01:43:55,446
Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.
2017
01:43:58,315 --> 01:44:00,534
You got 30 seconds, you jabbering butt plug!
2018
01:44:00,693 --> 01:44:01,910
Now we're getting it.
2019
01:44:04,572 --> 01:44:05,664
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
2020
01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:08,834
I need a bus to get you all out of here.
2021
01:44:08,909 --> 01:44:09,910
(GASPS)
2022
01:44:10,745 --> 01:44:12,338
(CAR ALARM WAILING)
2023
01:44:14,165 --> 01:44:15,212
Orphans.
2024
01:44:16,375 --> 01:44:17,592
Oh, geez.
2025
01:44:19,003 --> 01:44:21,597
It's time to burn for what you've done!
2026
01:44:21,756 --> 01:44:24,259
A child should not be
burdened with such power!
2027
01:44:31,807 --> 01:44:32,979
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
2028
01:44:33,058 --> 01:44:34,150
Russell! Wait!
2029
01:44:40,149 --> 01:44:41,446
DEADPOOL: Oh!
2030
01:44:48,657 --> 01:44:50,659
Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet!
2031
01:44:50,826 --> 01:44:52,703
- What more do you need to see?
- Don't you fucking dare!
2032
01:44:52,870 --> 01:44:53,962
He's just a kid!
2033
01:44:54,121 --> 01:44:55,998
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
2034
01:45:05,132 --> 01:45:06,429
(COLOSSUS GROANS)
2035
01:45:08,719 --> 01:45:11,768
I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.
2036
01:45:17,186 --> 01:45:18,358
(GRUNTS)
2037
01:45:19,522 --> 01:45:20,865
(GROWLS)
2038
01:45:23,692 --> 01:45:24,989
(GRUNTS)
2039
01:45:25,069 --> 01:45:27,242
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GROANING)
2040
01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:34,787
- I told you! Leave me alone!
- Come on!
2041
01:45:35,329 --> 01:45:36,455
Listen to me!
2042
01:45:39,625 --> 01:45:40,968
(RUSSELL SCREAMING)
2043
01:45:41,210 --> 01:45:43,429
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2044
01:45:46,465 --> 01:45:47,682
(GRUNTS)
2045
01:45:59,687 --> 01:46:01,314
COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS)
That's how we do it
2046
01:46:01,397 --> 01:46:02,865
in Mother Russia.
2047
01:46:04,066 --> 01:46:05,113
(GROANS)
2048
01:46:05,192 --> 01:46:07,615
They say millennials are the hardest to reach.
2049
01:46:08,988 --> 01:46:12,208
CABLE: Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.
2050
01:46:12,283 --> 01:46:13,455
(GROWLS)
2051
01:46:13,534 --> 01:46:16,037
Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!
2052
01:46:16,453 --> 01:46:18,171
Go home, Wade!
2053
01:46:18,330 --> 01:46:20,173
You're ruining everything!
2054
01:46:25,504 --> 01:46:26,721
I'm getting good at this shit.
2055
01:46:26,881 --> 01:46:27,928
DEADPOOL: Go, go, go!
2056
01:46:28,257 --> 01:46:29,429
(GRUNTS)
2057
01:46:31,427 --> 01:46:33,270
He dies tonight, Wade.
2058
01:46:33,429 --> 01:46:34,976
You can't stop me!
2059
01:46:35,931 --> 01:46:37,683
CABLE: He even runs like a fucking pervert.
2060
01:46:37,850 --> 01:46:40,603
Like an online predator who lost his laptop.
2061
01:46:42,021 --> 01:46:43,398
There's one bullet left in that gun.
2062
01:46:43,564 --> 01:46:45,441
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second!
2063
01:46:45,608 --> 01:46:46,951
I got this.
2064
01:46:47,109 --> 01:46:49,237
- Russell!
- Stay back! Go home, Wade!
2065
01:46:49,403 --> 01:46:51,531
Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way!
2066
01:46:52,114 --> 01:46:53,411
That piece of shit...
2067
01:46:53,824 --> 01:46:55,451
he deserves to die for what he did to you.
2068
01:46:55,618 --> 01:46:58,997
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
2069
01:46:59,872 --> 01:47:01,545
But if you kill him, he wins.
2070
01:47:01,707 --> 01:47:05,211
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
2071
01:47:05,628 --> 01:47:07,096
You're just a kid.
2072
01:47:07,671 --> 01:47:09,298
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
2073
01:47:09,465 --> 01:47:10,591
How do you know what I want?
2074
01:47:10,758 --> 01:47:12,385
Because I've been inside you.
2075
01:47:13,052 --> 01:47:14,349
That came out wrong.
2076
01:47:14,970 --> 01:47:16,563
I've been inside your shoes.
2077
01:47:16,722 --> 01:47:18,474
Which is also off-putting.
2078
01:47:18,641 --> 01:47:20,063
It's not a great analogy.
2079
01:47:20,142 --> 01:47:21,564
The point is...
2080
01:47:22,019 --> 01:47:23,692
there are people...
2081
01:47:23,771 --> 01:47:26,695
There are people in this fucking world...
2082
01:47:26,857 --> 01:47:29,451
besides him, who will treat you right.
2083
01:47:29,610 --> 01:47:32,238
It isn't too late.
Don't do it.
2084
01:47:37,785 --> 01:47:40,163
I never should've left you there.
2085
01:47:41,914 --> 01:47:43,791
I never should've left you in that prison.
2086
01:47:50,881 --> 01:47:52,178
I can't trust you.
2087
01:47:53,884 --> 01:47:56,262
I can't trust anybody!
2088
01:47:57,304 --> 01:47:58,772
(GROANING)
2089
01:48:05,270 --> 01:48:06,487
Wonderful kid.
2090
01:48:06,981 --> 01:48:08,528
RUSSELL: You can't stop me, Wade!
2091
01:48:08,607 --> 01:48:09,824
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2092
01:48:10,776 --> 01:48:12,904
I got one more idea.
2093
01:48:13,070 --> 01:48:15,949
It's just a really bad one, even for me.
2094
01:48:16,031 --> 01:48:17,203
Wade, what are you doing?
2095
01:48:17,282 --> 01:48:18,909
All right. This is for all the marbles, kid!
2096
01:48:19,702 --> 01:48:21,420
You're gonna kill someone today...
2097
01:48:21,829 --> 01:48:23,126
Blessed are the wicked...
2098
01:48:23,288 --> 01:48:25,211
...then it's gotta be me.
2099
01:48:26,291 --> 01:48:28,214
...who are healed by my hand!
2100
01:48:31,338 --> 01:48:33,761
(MOUTHS) Fuck this!
2101
01:48:35,217 --> 01:48:36,890
("TOMORROW" PLAYING)
2102
01:48:38,053 --> 01:48:40,181
(GIRL SINGING)
2103
01:49:32,066 --> 01:49:33,283
(GROANS)
2104
01:49:34,485 --> 01:49:37,455
Tell me they got that in slow motion.
2105
01:49:39,323 --> 01:49:40,825
(DEADPOOL COUGHING)
2106
01:49:42,451 --> 01:49:43,953
Oh, that's not good.
2107
01:49:45,537 --> 01:49:46,959
No, sir.
2108
01:49:54,588 --> 01:49:57,512
You sacrificed yourself for me.
2109
01:49:57,925 --> 01:49:59,051
Yeah.
2110
01:49:59,134 --> 01:50:01,353
And it was the best thing I ever did.
2111
01:50:01,428 --> 01:50:02,771
(COUGHING)
2112
01:50:03,305 --> 01:50:05,399
I told you I care about you.
2113
01:50:05,474 --> 01:50:07,226
You're a good kid, Russell.
2114
01:50:08,936 --> 01:50:10,028
Hey.
2115
01:50:11,313 --> 01:50:12,530
The bear.
2116
01:50:12,606 --> 01:50:13,983
It worked.
2117
01:50:20,948 --> 01:50:22,450
Because of you.
2118
01:50:22,616 --> 01:50:24,914
No, Wade, because of you.
2119
01:50:25,786 --> 01:50:27,834
Stop, stop, stop!
2120
01:50:27,913 --> 01:50:29,085
Stop!
2121
01:50:30,249 --> 01:50:32,798
Just let it happen, okay?
2122
01:50:33,252 --> 01:50:36,176
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
2123
01:50:37,005 --> 01:50:39,428
(GROANS) That riddle is so fucked up.
2124
01:50:41,802 --> 01:50:43,850
(GROANS, COUGHS)
2125
01:50:44,221 --> 01:50:46,519
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
2126
01:50:46,682 --> 01:50:47,808
Don't be. Don't be.
2127
01:50:47,891 --> 01:50:49,643
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
2128
01:50:50,310 --> 01:50:51,857
Please, just don't leave me.
2129
01:50:52,020 --> 01:50:53,522
I don't wanna die without an audience.
2130
01:50:53,689 --> 01:50:55,191
We are not going anywhere.
2131
01:50:55,357 --> 01:50:57,451
WADE:
Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching.
2132
01:50:57,526 --> 01:50:58,652
Just rest, okay?
2133
01:51:00,487 --> 01:51:01,579
Papa.
2134
01:51:03,782 --> 01:51:05,750
(SINGING)
Papa, can you hear me?
2135
01:51:07,995 --> 01:51:14,002
Papa, can you find me in the night?
2136
01:51:35,272 --> 01:51:36,524
Before I go... (COUGHS)
2137
01:51:37,065 --> 01:51:38,783
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
2138
01:51:39,359 --> 01:51:40,485
Domino.
2139
01:51:40,652 --> 01:51:45,158
I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.
2140
01:51:45,240 --> 01:51:47,038
(WADE COUGHING)
2141
01:51:47,743 --> 01:51:50,622
Turns out that I'm the lucky one.
2142
01:51:51,371 --> 01:51:52,497
Thank you.
2143
01:51:53,832 --> 01:51:56,756
Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
2144
01:51:57,127 --> 01:51:59,300
I liked you better with your hair short.
2145
01:51:59,463 --> 01:52:00,635
Think everyone did.
2146
01:52:01,423 --> 01:52:04,142
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!
2147
01:52:04,218 --> 01:52:05,845
(CHUCKLES)
2148
01:52:06,178 --> 01:52:07,270
And you...
2149
01:52:07,804 --> 01:52:08,930
Chrome Bone.
2150
01:52:09,848 --> 01:52:12,226
I haven't always been the best friend to you.
2151
01:52:12,809 --> 01:52:15,062
But you've always been that to me.
2152
01:52:15,145 --> 01:52:16,522
So thank you.
2153
01:52:18,690 --> 01:52:20,283
Say "fuck" for me.
2154
01:52:21,109 --> 01:52:22,361
Just once. Come on,
2155
01:52:22,444 --> 01:52:24,037
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
2156
01:52:24,112 --> 01:52:27,116
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
2157
01:52:27,199 --> 01:52:28,200
Fuck.
2158
01:52:28,367 --> 01:52:31,712
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
(CHUCKLES)
2159
01:52:33,038 --> 01:52:35,291
And you, Cable. (COUGHS)
2160
01:52:36,166 --> 01:52:39,841
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
2161
01:52:40,712 --> 01:52:43,932
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
2162
01:52:44,383 --> 01:52:45,760
That you'll start judging people...
2163
01:52:45,842 --> 01:52:47,185
not by the color of their skin,
2164
01:52:47,261 --> 01:52:49,138
but by the content of their character.
2165
01:52:49,888 --> 01:52:51,481
- Jesus.
- WADE: R-Dog?
2166
01:52:52,683 --> 01:52:54,606
There you are. Hey!
2167
01:52:55,185 --> 01:52:56,937
You're a superhero now, bubba.
2168
01:52:57,437 --> 01:53:00,407
That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.
2169
01:53:00,482 --> 01:53:01,859
This one is yours.
2170
01:53:01,942 --> 01:53:03,660
You might wanna get it steam cleaned.
2171
01:53:03,735 --> 01:53:05,112
Especially around the pants.
2172
01:53:05,195 --> 01:53:06,913
And let it out a little in the waist.
2173
01:53:07,864 --> 01:53:08,865
But, hey.
2174
01:53:09,908 --> 01:53:11,000
Look.
2175
01:53:11,285 --> 01:53:13,913
Family is not an F-word.
2176
01:53:14,663 --> 01:53:15,960
All right?
2177
01:53:16,039 --> 01:53:17,916
There's one out there for you. (COUGHS)
2178
01:53:18,500 --> 01:53:20,218
Just keep looking, okay?
2179
01:53:23,714 --> 01:53:26,467
Guys, for a second there...
2180
01:53:27,301 --> 01:53:29,429
we made a pretty good team.
2181
01:53:35,559 --> 01:53:37,152
(SIGHS)
2182
01:53:44,484 --> 01:53:46,486
Oh, it's so hard to go.
2183
01:53:46,903 --> 01:53:47,904
(WHINES)
2184
01:53:47,988 --> 01:53:50,366
I just love being around you guys so much.
2185
01:53:51,450 --> 01:53:52,702
So, so much.
2186
01:53:53,410 --> 01:53:54,753
Mmm.
2187
01:53:54,828 --> 01:53:57,001
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
2188
01:53:57,706 --> 01:54:01,461
I feel the soul exiting the husk.
2189
01:54:01,543 --> 01:54:02,544
Yeah.
2190
01:54:04,421 --> 01:54:06,264
Can you see it?
2191
01:54:06,965 --> 01:54:09,138
Do you see that beautiful bright light?
2192
01:54:10,594 --> 01:54:11,766
There it is.
2193
01:54:18,018 --> 01:54:19,235
Oh, that's the sun.
2194
01:54:19,311 --> 01:54:21,154
Don't stare directly into that.
2195
01:54:21,229 --> 01:54:22,651
I just have a few final words.
2196
01:54:22,731 --> 01:54:23,778
(EXHALES)
2197
01:54:24,900 --> 01:54:26,277
Woodpecker.
2198
01:54:27,069 --> 01:54:28,412
Gingivitis.
2199
01:54:30,447 --> 01:54:31,824
Codswallop.
2200
01:54:36,161 --> 01:54:38,129
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
2201
01:55:05,607 --> 01:55:07,575
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
2202
01:55:53,113 --> 01:55:54,285
Sorry I'm late.
2203
01:55:54,364 --> 01:55:56,037
There was a bunch
2204
01:55:56,116 --> 01:55:57,413
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
2205
01:55:57,492 --> 01:55:58,709
- No.
- No.
2206
01:55:59,786 --> 01:56:02,460
- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.
2207
01:56:02,914 --> 01:56:04,791
- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.
2208
01:56:04,875 --> 01:56:05,876
- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.
2209
01:56:08,211 --> 01:56:09,633
Is this heaven?
2210
01:56:10,505 --> 01:56:11,722
It is now.
2211
01:56:15,177 --> 01:56:17,054
I am so sorry.
2212
01:56:17,888 --> 01:56:19,231
VANESSA: It's okay.
2213
01:56:39,075 --> 01:56:40,952
I missed you so much.
2214
01:56:46,541 --> 01:56:48,214
What is it? What's wrong?
2215
01:56:50,128 --> 01:56:51,630
It's not time.
2216
01:56:52,255 --> 01:56:54,132
What do you mean it's not time?
2217
01:56:54,299 --> 01:56:55,801
I'm here, I made it.
2218
01:56:55,967 --> 01:56:57,640
- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.
2219
01:56:57,719 --> 01:57:00,347
I'm staying.
I'm not going anywhere without you.
2220
01:57:00,430 --> 01:57:01,431
It's okay.
2221
01:57:01,932 --> 01:57:04,776
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
2222
01:57:05,769 --> 01:57:08,238
- They need you.
- Who?
2223
01:57:10,273 --> 01:57:11,570
VANESSA: Your F-word.
2224
01:57:12,817 --> 01:57:13,818
WADE: Why?
2225
01:57:13,902 --> 01:57:14,903
VANESSA: You'll find out.
2226
01:57:16,154 --> 01:57:17,701
It's all right. I'll be here.
2227
01:57:19,074 --> 01:57:21,202
It's pretty fucking awesome up here.
2228
01:57:21,910 --> 01:57:23,753
I can have anything I want.
2229
01:57:23,828 --> 01:57:25,956
Can every day be International Women's Day?
2230
01:57:26,039 --> 01:57:27,416
It is heaven.
2231
01:57:27,624 --> 01:57:28,876
I love you.
2232
01:57:31,378 --> 01:57:34,131
I know. I love you, too.
2233
01:57:34,714 --> 01:57:36,136
Now, go.
2234
01:57:37,008 --> 01:57:39,010
Go on. Go, get out of here.
2235
01:57:40,053 --> 01:57:41,054
Go.
2236
01:57:43,848 --> 01:57:44,849
Hey!
2237
01:57:47,852 --> 01:57:50,025
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
2238
01:57:50,647 --> 01:57:51,773
Well, come here.
2239
01:58:11,126 --> 01:58:12,753
Don't fuck Elvis.
2240
01:58:12,877 --> 01:58:14,629
- Ooh, too late.
- I'm sorry?
2241
01:58:19,593 --> 01:58:21,095
(SCREAMING)
2242
01:58:24,139 --> 01:58:25,356
Time to make the chimichangas.
2243
01:58:25,432 --> 01:58:26,524
30 seconds.
2244
01:58:26,600 --> 01:58:27,817
Hey. Been meaning to ask you...
2245
01:58:27,892 --> 01:58:30,361
what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear?
2246
01:58:30,437 --> 01:58:32,189
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
2247
01:58:32,647 --> 01:58:33,944
Her name's Hope.
2248
01:58:34,232 --> 01:58:35,358
DEADPOOL: Well...
2249
01:58:36,192 --> 01:58:38,069
What are you doing?
2250
01:58:38,153 --> 01:58:39,746
Somebody swiped right.
2251
01:58:39,821 --> 01:58:41,664
(FAST-FORWARDING)
2252
01:58:50,624 --> 01:58:51,750
(GROANS)
2253
01:58:52,542 --> 01:58:54,920
Tell me they got that in slow motion.
2254
01:58:55,378 --> 01:58:57,051
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2255
01:58:58,256 --> 01:59:00,008
RUSSELL: You sacrificed yourself for me.
2256
01:59:00,091 --> 01:59:01,593
DEADPOOL: It would seem I...
2257
01:59:03,762 --> 01:59:05,059
Huh?
2258
01:59:06,181 --> 01:59:08,525
Genuine, high-grade lead.
2259
01:59:10,435 --> 01:59:13,439
You time-sliding son of a bitch!
2260
01:59:13,521 --> 01:59:15,114
You did this for me?
2261
01:59:16,983 --> 01:59:19,486
Wait. You can't go back.
2262
01:59:20,111 --> 01:59:21,363
You used the last of your fuel.
2263
01:59:21,446 --> 01:59:23,164
What about your girl, your wife?
2264
01:59:23,239 --> 01:59:26,493
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
2265
01:59:27,952 --> 01:59:30,375
No, I'm gonna stick around for a while...
2266
01:59:30,455 --> 01:59:31,672
and make sure the world
2267
01:59:31,748 --> 01:59:33,466
doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
2268
01:59:34,167 --> 01:59:37,046
No. You did it for me.
2269
01:59:37,796 --> 01:59:39,139
No, I didn't.
2270
01:59:39,297 --> 01:59:40,674
- You did.
- I really didn't.
2271
01:59:40,757 --> 01:59:42,555
- Pretty sure you did.
- No, I'm positive I didn't.
2272
01:59:42,634 --> 01:59:44,386
Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay?
2273
01:59:44,469 --> 01:59:47,188
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
2274
01:59:47,263 --> 01:59:49,686
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
2275
01:59:50,100 --> 01:59:51,101
Say it again.
2276
01:59:51,267 --> 01:59:52,814
- He did it for me.
- CABLE: Jesus.
2277
01:59:52,894 --> 01:59:54,646
- We must get the collar off.
- Forget it. It's no use.
2278
01:59:54,729 --> 01:59:56,606
These collars don't just come off.
2279
01:59:56,690 --> 01:59:57,691
Wade.
2280
01:59:58,233 --> 01:59:59,860
I have an idea.
2281
02:00:00,193 --> 02:00:02,287
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
2282
02:00:02,362 --> 02:00:04,740
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
2283
02:00:04,823 --> 02:00:07,952
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
2284
02:00:08,034 --> 02:00:10,287
(COLLAR BUZZING)
RUSSELL: We need the code.
2285
02:00:10,370 --> 02:00:12,247
Try, uh, seven?
2286
02:00:12,330 --> 02:00:13,877
DEADPOOL: Settle down, Captain Lucky.
2287
02:00:13,957 --> 02:00:15,379
It's not gonna be one number.
2288
02:00:15,458 --> 02:00:16,550
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
2289
02:00:17,544 --> 02:00:18,887
I still got it.
2290
02:00:20,130 --> 02:00:21,347
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2291
02:00:21,923 --> 02:00:23,891
Put that back in your prison wallet.
2292
02:00:25,593 --> 02:00:27,470
I don't know how to thank you.
2293
02:00:27,554 --> 02:00:29,056
But I do know how to hug you.
2294
02:00:29,514 --> 02:00:30,766
- No.
- Yes.
2295
02:00:30,849 --> 02:00:32,317
Here we go. Bring it in.
2296
02:00:32,392 --> 02:00:33,393
Come on.
2297
02:00:33,518 --> 02:00:34,815
Pelvis to pelvis.
2298
02:00:34,978 --> 02:00:36,230
Let's go tip to tip.
2299
02:00:36,396 --> 02:00:38,899
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
2300
02:00:38,982 --> 02:00:40,575
(KNIFE UNSHEATHES)
2301
02:00:40,650 --> 02:00:41,776
Is there a knife in my dick?
2302
02:00:41,860 --> 02:00:44,033
- There's a knife in your dick.
- I'm just gonna back up now.
2303
02:00:44,112 --> 02:00:45,955
- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.
2304
02:00:46,030 --> 02:00:48,704
Gonna pretend like that never happened.
2305
02:00:48,867 --> 02:00:50,790
Let's go home, Russell.
2306
02:00:54,456 --> 02:00:56,208
All you dirty mutants
2307
02:00:56,291 --> 02:00:58,714
are gonna rot in hell with the boy!
2308
02:00:58,877 --> 02:01:01,847
Your souls are beyond redemption!
2309
02:01:02,005 --> 02:01:03,257
Let's see your soul, perv!
2310
02:01:03,339 --> 02:01:06,138
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
2311
02:01:06,217 --> 02:01:07,389
We're better than him!
2312
02:01:07,469 --> 02:01:10,143
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
2313
02:01:10,221 --> 02:01:11,768
We'll let karma take care of him.
2314
02:01:11,848 --> 02:01:14,852
The day of reckoning is here!
2315
02:01:15,810 --> 02:01:17,062
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2316
02:01:17,187 --> 02:01:18,359
(CRASHING)
2317
02:01:24,194 --> 02:01:26,196
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
2318
02:01:26,321 --> 02:01:27,493
Whoo!
2319
02:01:27,572 --> 02:01:29,074
Courage, motherfuckers!
2320
02:01:29,240 --> 02:01:30,492
And karma, motherfucker.
2321
02:01:30,575 --> 02:01:32,122
DEADPOOL: I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
2322
02:01:32,202 --> 02:01:34,170
I could barely keep
a straight face. (LAUGHS)
2323
02:01:34,245 --> 02:01:36,043
I want some more.
2324
02:01:36,206 --> 02:01:37,879
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
2325
02:01:37,957 --> 02:01:40,961
We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up.
2326
02:01:41,544 --> 02:01:43,672
Good call.
You guys coming with us?
2327
02:01:43,838 --> 02:01:45,761
No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion.
2328
02:01:45,840 --> 02:01:47,137
Besides, we're X-Men.
2329
02:01:47,425 --> 02:01:49,974
No, you're X-People.
2330
02:01:50,136 --> 02:01:51,433
You're X-hausting.
2331
02:01:51,513 --> 02:01:53,186
I see what you did there.
Puns.
2332
02:01:53,348 --> 02:01:54,725
Our door's always open.
2333
02:01:54,808 --> 02:01:56,560
That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again.
2334
02:01:56,643 --> 02:01:57,644
Let alone two women.
2335
02:01:58,770 --> 02:02:00,397
God, you're a douche.
2336
02:02:00,522 --> 02:02:02,616
- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!
2337
02:02:02,690 --> 02:02:04,033
("WE BELONG" PLAYING)
2338
02:02:05,360 --> 02:02:06,407
DEADPOOL: What do you get
2339
02:02:06,486 --> 02:02:07,578
when you take eight feet of chrome...
2340
02:02:07,654 --> 02:02:08,780
one pinch of courage...
2341
02:02:08,863 --> 02:02:10,080
a cup of good luck...
2342
02:02:10,156 --> 02:02:11,658
a dab of racism...
2343
02:02:11,741 --> 02:02:12,913
a splash of diabetes...
2344
02:02:12,992 --> 02:02:15,336
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
2345
02:02:15,745 --> 02:02:17,918
Answer: a family.
2346
02:02:18,498 --> 02:02:21,593
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
2347
02:02:21,668 --> 02:02:22,965
If there's anything you take away today...
2348
02:02:23,044 --> 02:02:26,173
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
2349
02:02:26,256 --> 02:02:29,055
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
2350
02:04:26,125 --> 02:04:27,843
How something so small generates
2351
02:04:27,919 --> 02:04:29,466
enough energy to reverse time is...
2352
02:04:29,545 --> 02:04:31,889
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
2353
02:04:31,965 --> 02:04:34,218
or I'll take it to the Genius Bar.
2354
02:04:34,300 --> 02:04:35,472
Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out.
2355
02:04:35,551 --> 02:04:36,552
Never heard of him.
2356
02:04:36,636 --> 02:04:38,104
Why do you think I'm helping him?
2357
02:04:39,389 --> 02:04:41,608
The Lord works in mysterious ways,
2358
02:04:41,683 --> 02:04:43,936
don't I? A good day.
2359
02:04:44,686 --> 02:04:45,687
Bye, Wade!
2360
02:04:46,187 --> 02:04:47,188
Bye, Yukio!
2361
02:04:48,523 --> 02:04:50,742
That was probably a bad idea.
2362
02:04:51,067 --> 02:04:52,193
What have we done?
2363
02:04:52,986 --> 02:04:54,988
("IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" PLAYING)
2364
02:05:10,628 --> 02:05:12,630
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
2365
02:05:12,714 --> 02:05:14,057
(BOTH PANTING)
(GASPS)
2366
02:05:22,807 --> 02:05:24,275
I'll be right back!
2367
02:05:26,227 --> 02:05:28,776
We're definitely naming our kid Cher!
2368
02:05:29,147 --> 02:05:30,148
Whoo!
2369
02:05:31,983 --> 02:05:33,235
DEADPOOL: Peter!
2370
02:05:33,317 --> 02:05:34,864
Whoo! X-Force!
2371
02:05:34,944 --> 02:05:37,163
Walk away! Just walk away!
2372
02:05:38,031 --> 02:05:39,874
- But we're X-Force!
- Nope! We're not.
2373
02:05:40,074 --> 02:05:41,417
X-Force is just a marketing tool
2374
02:05:41,492 --> 02:05:42,744
designed by Fox executives...
2375
02:05:42,827 --> 02:05:44,500
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
2376
02:05:44,579 --> 02:05:45,876
It doesn't exist.
2377
02:05:46,122 --> 02:05:49,342
All right, well, this has been pretty scary!
2378
02:05:49,500 --> 02:05:51,047
And I need to feed my cat!
2379
02:05:51,210 --> 02:05:53,588
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
2380
02:05:53,755 --> 02:05:57,009
Okay. Will you give Domino my email?
2381
02:06:06,184 --> 02:06:08,061
Wade, is that you?
2382
02:06:10,313 --> 02:06:11,656
I guess Stryker finally
2383
02:06:11,731 --> 02:06:13,108
figured out how to shut you up.
2384
02:06:15,985 --> 02:06:17,362
(GUNSHOT)
2385
02:06:19,697 --> 02:06:22,951
Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!
2386
02:06:23,117 --> 02:06:25,119
Just cleaning up the timelines!
2387
02:06:25,203 --> 02:06:29,003
Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws...
2388
02:06:29,082 --> 02:06:31,335
and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad.
2389
02:06:31,709 --> 02:06:32,710
Huh?
2390
02:06:32,794 --> 02:06:34,421
But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you...
2391
02:06:34,504 --> 02:06:36,472
to get back in the saddle again.
2392
02:06:37,340 --> 02:06:39,889
And when he does, say yes.
2393
02:06:41,135 --> 02:06:43,103
Oh, right.
(GUNSHOTS)
2394
02:06:44,013 --> 02:06:45,310
(WHISPERS) Love you!
2395
02:06:47,683 --> 02:06:49,310
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
2396
02:06:50,895 --> 02:06:51,896
(GUNSHOT)
2397
02:06:56,692 --> 02:06:58,535
You're welcome, Canada.
2398
02:07:11,040 --> 02:07:12,212
Boy howdy.
2399
02:07:14,085 --> 02:07:16,964
Hi. This is a toughie.
(BABY CRYING)
2400
02:07:17,046 --> 02:07:18,047
Yeesh.
2401
02:07:18,339 --> 02:07:20,762
Oh, yes. You're already
practicing your salute, huh?
2402
02:07:21,968 --> 02:07:24,767
Yes, you are.
Well, we'll take care of that, won't we?
2403
02:07:24,846 --> 02:07:27,645
Jesus Christ!
This is so much harder than I thought.
2404
02:07:28,474 --> 02:07:30,067
Oh, I'm going to hell.
2405
02:07:30,143 --> 02:07:31,736
That makes two of us.
2406
02:07:31,894 --> 02:07:32,986
You can do this.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
2407
02:07:33,146 --> 02:07:36,150
This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
2408
02:07:36,232 --> 02:07:37,404
All right.
2409
02:07:38,442 --> 02:07:39,568
(SIGHS)
2410
02:07:44,740 --> 02:07:46,663
Maximum effort.
2411
02:07:47,160 --> 02:07:50,130
("IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" CONTINUES PLAYING)
2412
02:09:08,366 --> 02:09:10,368
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
2413
02:12:54,550 --> 02:12:56,302
(CHOIR SINGING)
2414
02:13:24,830 --> 02:13:27,083
That's okay.
Let me see here.
2415
02:13:27,166 --> 02:13:28,634
Oh, God.
2416
02:13:28,709 --> 02:13:30,632
That's why you're such a little bastard.
2417
02:13:30,711 --> 02:13:32,634
No one's ever changed you.
2418
02:13:33,130 --> 02:13:35,849
Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?
2419
02:13:35,925 --> 02:13:38,394
God, it smells like Hitler's anus...
2420
02:13:38,761 --> 02:13:41,310
which would makes sense, wouldn't it? Yeah.
2421
02:13:41,388 --> 02:13:42,514
I think we both know
2422
02:13:42,598 --> 02:13:43,724
I don't have what it takes to do this...
2423
02:13:43,807 --> 02:13:46,185
so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick...
2424
02:13:46,268 --> 02:13:48,145
and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.
2425
02:13:48,229 --> 02:13:49,572
He loves killing kids.168960
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