Original subtitles

[ Sniffs ]

[ Man ] Here, at the London Plaza Theater,

we are privileged to be watching...

a very special demonstration cut today, ladies and gentlemen.

Raymond Robertson.

[ Applause ] [ Coughing ]

Last year's winner of the British Hairdressing Championships.

And the year before that, and since I'm counting,

Perm of the Year Award 1978 and '79.

Redken Salon of the Century runner-up, 1995.

International Team Member, Helsinki Women's Blow Dry, 1998.

Raymond Robertson.

Gentlemen, ladies.

I have an announcement to make...

that will change the face of this town forever.

Something of a coup.

That's with a "P", Stanley, if I say so myself. [ Clears Throat ]

Let's hear it for London's own, Ray Robertson !

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Bravo ! Ladies and gentlemen,

today, as the president...

of the British Hair Federation,

Well done. I am proud to announce...

the lucky town which will play host...

to this year's championship...

is...

Keighley !

As Lord Mayor of the town of Keighley,

I am proud to announce that from a long list of competitors,

our hometown has been chosen to host--

wait for it--

this year's British Hairdressing Championships.

Come again ?

This year's British Hairdressing Championships.

[ Camera Shutters Clicking ]

I'm sorry. It does that sometimes.

Well, is that it then ? Hairdressing ? Hold the back page, lads.

- Now, lads. - That's just crap.

Come on, boys. This competition's gonna change the face of this town.

Ungrateful bastards. You'll be sorry.

Tony, can anyone enter ?

No. Professionals only.

I am a professional.

Time to wake up, love.

[ Groaning ] [ Alarm Clock Beeping ]

How many times ? Bloody dirty boots downstairs.

[ Alarm Clock Continues Beeping ]

[ Weakly ] Tea. In the pot.

Shelley !

Good luck, love.

[ Whistles ]

[ Man ] No, not a chance, Tony. Come on, Phil, lad.

Chance to add to the silverware. No.

You're joking me.

You're not gonna enter ? King of the bloody scissors.

Mr. Numero Uno.

Keep still, will ya ? I'll have your ear off.

And you needn't look so bloody interested.

Well, I can't help hearing, can I ?

It's team cutting, you know. Think of it, Phil.

Father-and-son team. Brian's on for it.

Listen, I did competitions for ten years, and that were ten years too many.

I'm a barber. He's a barber. End of story.

Short back and sides, and you're out on your arse.

- We could walk it, Dad. - Enough.

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Knock On Door ] Come in.

Hello.

Mrs. Birkett. Shelley.

Robert.

Why don't I start ? Pardon ?

I'll kick off, shall I ? Right.

See if I can remember it all.

Ah, yes.

There are a number of ways we can proceed.

Obviously there's another course of chemotherapy,

though this would be your-- what is it now--

third course in as many years.

It looks like someone in the remission department's trying to tell you something there.

Then, there's the bone marrow donor transplant option,

which, as we know, is about as likely as the pope on a pogo stick.

So, not to beat about the bush, you've had it, I'm afraid.

- You're stuffed. - Shelley--

Am I right ? Shelley,

chemotherapy-- Come on, Robert. Am I right ?

Yes.

Don't you just love being right, eh ?

[ Clattering ] All right, love ?

- Mum. - You got a minute ?

Well, you know--

I need a chat, love. Maybe pop up later, eh ?

- Yeah, maybe. - Tonight ? I'll cook.

Can't tonight, I'm working.

Tomorrow ?

I'll give you a ring, all right ?

[ Chuckles ] You could shout and I'd hear ya.

Yeah, well.

Look, he's in a right mood. I'd better--

Ta-ra. Yeah...

ta-ra.

Now don't go dying on me under there.

Small step for you, great step for mankind.

Well ? All clear.

One hundred percent ?

One hundred percent.

Oh, that's my girl !

Be a darling, Vincent. Wet nails.

[ Woman ] Please, do not take the hair dryers from the hotel bathrooms.

I want Christina here with me. Get a bit of a buzz going.

Would you kindly check us in, please, Louis ?

Pleasure, treasure. Thank you. That's it, my love.

Now you just stand there with me and let them all have a nice look at you.

You see those three jokers ? Kilburn Kutters.

Brothers.

Jasmine's married to Robert. She's a nightmare.

Great model, mind. Chris, what have you been using, eh ?

I don't know. Just some stuff I found in the cupboard.

Are you take-- Are you having me on ?

I'm sorry. Mum uses it.

Well, you're not with your mom in Minneapolis now, are you ?

You're with me. There's something you've gotta realize pretty fast, darling.

The competition has started. Dad.

I haven't see you in ages. I'm on vacation.

You asked me to model, I didn't ask you.

No, the whole town's full up.

But my dear, dear girl, this reservation was made months ago.

There's nowt down in book.

I don't care about the bloody book, sweetie. I just want our rooms, okay ?

We don't have any. We're full up.

Room key, Mr. TJ ?

Ah, the Randolph Suite. [ Chuckles ]

He's nicked our rooms. That bastard's nicked our rooms.

He's a bitter old bastard, basically.

And he's past it.

No, no, he is. I don't care what folks say.

So he's got some trophies, won a few things.

They go back to the bloody Ice Age them do, mate.

Back to when the bloody Yeti were wandering High Street looking for a shampoo and set.

Whole new world now, mate.

More like sculpture is modern styling.

Tell you, if Henry Moore were born now,

he wouldn't piss around with marble and statues and stuff,

he'd be an hairdresser.

Who were you talking to ?

Mr. Barry Birt. Ah.

There we go, Mr. Birt.

Have a good trip.

[ Louis ] Well, they said you're in luck 'cause we've just had a vacancy.

[ Ray ] No wonder. It's in the middle of bloody nowhere.

- Says they do a good breakfast. - You are joking, aren't you ?

It's the last on the list. You can sleep in the car !

I'm sorry, love.

[ Chickens Clucking ]

[ Door Opens ]

What ?

Great Uncle Barton. Ninety-three.

Nonsmoker. The viewing's the day after tomorrow, Noah.

[ Noah ] Ah.

Well, come in if you're coming.

Plenty of room. Just acquired an extra bedroom.

Lovely. Lovely, that's it, Barbara.

Yes, the whole works. Go for burn. Go for burn, Dot.

Come on, go for burn ! Go for burn !

Bloody gyrobics.

Aerobics.

At my age, I'll call it what I like.

You hardly said not but two words to me, you have.

What's on your mind ?

I'm a hairdresser, Daisy. Nothing's on me mind.

Your tests were due this week. Was it ?

And ?

Fine, you know. All clear.

That'll be why you're crying then, is it ?

I thought you couldn't see.

I can't, you soft lass. You're dripping all over me.

[ Sniffles ]

Sorry. Come on.

Don't give in on the bugger.

I already have, Daisy.

You most certainly have not, young lady.

[ Sniffling ]

Listen, I've had a long time to think about dying.

And there's only one good thing knowing you're on your way,

and that's sorting it all out.

I never had a chance with Harry.

One minute, he were feeding the cat...

and smelling up the kitchen with his home brew.

And the next minute, he just weren't. Gone.

I never said good-bye.

All them little ends I never tied up.

So, my dear, you've tied up all your ends, have you ?

Absolutely, Daisy.

I've got an ex-husband who hasn't talked to me in ten year,

a son who's embarrassed to be in the same town as me, let alone the same room,

and a girlfriend who thinks the only problem we've got this year...

is what color to paint the salon.

Yeah, I'd say I've pretty much tied the ends up now.

Well, you'd better get a bloody move on then, hadn't you ?

Oh, bloody fantastic.

Where'd you get it from ? Leeds Train Station.

They're having a refit. Cheap, but it works all right.

♪

Oh, it's good. It's very good.

Thanks, lads. See you later.

All right, Shelley.

Brings it all back, does that.

Hair By Night were my favorite when I were modeling.

Phil would cook up the most amazing dos.

Big rigs, you know.

Well, he better get a move on.

Entries close end of tomorrow.

Ten years too late for that, Tony.

That's just what Phil said. You know something ?

There's not a single team from Keighley in the whole competition,

and we're hosting the bloody thing.

That's typical around here, that is.

I mean, we got a veteran cutter, you a veteran model.

There's Brian in the business, and Sandra, another top model.

And what do you do when the circus comes to town, eh ?

In front of your home crowd, you watch.

Tony, we're not even speaking.

I'm not asking you to speak, am I ?

I'm asking you to cut.

Christina.

[ Woman ] There. [ Ray ] Don't forget your roots.

If you like these, you'll let me color for you ?

If. And that's a big "if".

What's in this mix, anyway ? It don't look right to me.

[ Christina ] Hmm, looks fine to me.

"Fine" might be all right in your mother's salon, but you're gonna have to...

do better than that if you're to color for me.

"Fine" don't win competitions.

Well, Dad, just give me a chance, will you, okay ? I'm a good colorist.

I can't see it meself. It's only hair, isn't it ?

Only hair ?

You can tell a lot from a man's hair.

Oh, aye ? Oh, aye.

For instance.

Hey.

You washed it three days ago...

[ Sniffs ] with avec.

[ Sniffs ] T.T.S.T.

Tea-Tree Scalp Treatment. And it were cut--

rather well as it happens-- two and a half weeks ago.

- What ? - By Phil Allen.

How'd you know that ?

Phil ? Still cutting then ? Who's Phil Allen ?

See that ? Tiny point at the nape of the neck. Unmistakable.

- He's out of it, Ray. Has been for years. - But who is he ?

- Nobody. - ♪ [ Radio ]

♪ [ Louder ]

♪ Good morning, starshine

♪ The earth says hello

♪ You twinkle above

♪ We twinkle below

♪ Good morning, starshine

♪ You lead us along

♪ My love and me as we sing ♪

♪ Our early morning singing song ♪

♪ Gliddy glup gloopy Sandra...

you know this, uh, hair competition ?

Yeah. Should we go for it ?

You serious ?

Yeah.

Oh, Shell, I don't know.

That were a long time ago. I'm hardly model material now.

You've got beauty hair, and you know it.

We'll get Brian to do Men's Timed Cut...

and Phil to do Total Look.

Brian... and Phil.

Don't see why not.

Oh, come on, Shell. How many reasons do you want "why not" ?

How about this for starters ? You were married to him. I was his model.

You and me ran off together, night before national championships.

Don't, Sandra. Phil Allen hasn't said two words to me in nearly ten years.

And you haven't said two words to him.

It's time you both bloody well started.

Oh, it is, is it ?

Sandra, I thought you'd be up for it.

Well, I'm not saying I'm not, love.

But if we're gonna do it, can't we do it without him ?

No.

Well, I reckon Phil Allen would rather cut me throat than me hair,

to be honest with you.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, I'd love another crack at it, though, Shell.

I really would.

♪ Mmm, the closer you get

Get out the moisturizer and the mud packs... ♪ The better you look

because I'm the oldest person on that stage by about 29 years.

♪ The better you look the more I want you ♪

♪ When you turn on your smile Et voila.

♪ I feel my heart go wild

♪ I'm like a child Looking good, girl.

♪ With a brand-new toy Looking good.

♪ And I get the sweetest feeling, honey ♪

♪ The sweetest To us.

♪ Baby, the sweetest

[ Coughs ] You sure this isn't conditioner ?

♪ Ooh, yeah

Ah. "Tastes better when drunk in bed." Hmm ? ♪ [ Continues ]

♪ Baby

Be right there.

♪ The more you thrill me

Aye...

♪ It's more than I can stand ♪ to us.

♪ Girl when you hold my hand ♪

♪ I feel so grand that I could cry ♪

♪ And I get the

♪ Mama, the sweetest

♪ Sweetest feeling ♪ Baby, the sweetest

♪ Sweetest feeling ♪ Loving you

[ Bell On Door Dings ]

Take a seat. Be out in a sec.

Brian, shop.

Social call, is it ?

Just wanted a word.

Brian. With you and all.

Please.

Hiya, Brian.

Mum.

Look, I know it's mad, but...

I'm going in for the competition.

I was wonderin'--

Well, what about it ?

It's one salon per town, and nobody's even entered for Keighley.

We're sort of a salon.

Well, could be... technically.

I checked the rules.

Same family. Technically.

Well, we could do it, you know.

It wouldn't take much to get back in the swing of it.

Be like old times.

Old times stopped ten years back, lass, when you upped and went.

Finished your breakfast ? We're open.

Brian, what about it ?

Please...

be my guest.

It's your choice, lad.

That were a good one, Phil.

One for the album, I'd say.

[ Rooster Crows ]

[ Louis ] Oh, my. Christina ? Yeah ?

Biological warfare unit for you.

Guess I need a bit more practice.

Louis, you're coloring.

If I had real models to practice on, I'd do a better job, right ?

[ Ding ]

One of the nastiest double crowns I've ever had the misfortune to tackle.

How the mighty have fallen.

Eh, Phil ?

It's seven-fifty a cut,

and two quid extra if you want it washing.

[ Scoffs, Snorts ] Wonderful.

Seven-fifty. I'm in a museum.

There's no charge for using the door.

Oh, come on, Phil.

I should be the one bearing grudges around here.

Who nicked whose model, eh ?

Past life, Ray. We could be talking about another man altogether.

So, we won't be seeing the flashing scissors tomorrow then ?

No. Well, it's a shame.

I'm on for the treble this year.

Win it-- Win it this time,

I get-- I get this for keeps.

Won't that be something ?

Nice if you like silverware, I guess.

I wonder if you would have got the treble.

You know, if--

if Sandra hadn't done a runner with Shelley, that is.

Don't push it, Ray.

Well...

sorry I couldn't tempt you.

[ Chattering ]

♪ [ Dance ] Hello. Yes.

So what are you doing staying up at Noah's farm then ?

Sorry ?

It is Christina, isn't it ?

Brian. You. How, um,

how are you ?

Oh, not so bad. Not so bad at all. What about you ?

Fine, yeah, yeah.

Are you... Are you--

modeling ?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I, um,

I was coloring too, but...

I messed up on some wig tests and Dad's banned me now.

So, what about you ?

Oh, me ? No, um...

I mean, I'm cutting in me dad's shop, but...

not competitions.

Oh.

Well, you've changed a bit.

[ Both Chuckle ]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's, um,

wonderful to see such a broad church here tonight.

We have teams from all three corners of the United Kingdom.

To win the coveted Silver Scissors Trophy,

these giants of the styling world...

will do battle over four events.

These are the, um--

The Women's Timed Blow Dry.

Uh, the Men's Freestyle, where...

members of our lovely audience will be styled.

Um, Hair By Night-- evening wear, evening hair.

And finally the Total Look,

where the follicle meets the metaphysical, ladies and gentlemen.

But remember, folks, all competitors...

must adhere strictly to the Federation rules.

In your dreams.

You'll find a copy in your gift bags by the door.

Entries must be in by midnight tonight.

So, don't hang about. Big up the big hair.

Look at them.

I've swept better hairstyles off the floor of our salon.

I'm off to bed. You coming ?

Uh, maybe I'll just hang out a little bit longer. Just till I finish my drink.

Suit yourself. Keep an eye on her.

Okay.

[ Woman ] Hello, love.

Eh-up, chuck. Nice to see you. It's okay, Phil's not entering.

Of course. He's been off the circuit ten years.

Well, there's no harm in checking. I don't want anything messing this one up.

Have you got the combs ? Shh !

Sorted.

Now where's Christina ?

Come on, love, we're going. Big day tomorrow.

Dad, it's Brian. Do you remember ?

Oh, aye. Yeah, saw you at the salon.

Salon ?

He used to be somebody, your dad.

Too scared to even enter now.

Yeah, well, I'm not. Oh !

Junior league, is it ? Christina.

I'll get a taxi. I'll see you later.

I thought you weren't entering.

I wasn't.

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

It were a nice idea, love.

There's always next year.

Brian, what are you doing, love ?

I'm not cutting for you permanent, just the competition.

So, what about it ? Are you on for it ?

Of course I am.

Sandra ?

Right.

Hey, you'll have to do something about that if I'm to work with it tomorrow.

Rehydrating conditioner or axle grease.

Don't start, you.

Brian, I shouldn't even be talking to you. My dad will kill me.

Your dad will never know.

Anyway, you said you need coloring practice,

and I definitely need to get my scissor fingers loosened up for tomorrow.

So-- Yeah, but--

Shit, Brian.

I've never, uh,

I've never seen a dead person before.

I mean, not... really, not close up.

Keeps on growing after you die, you know.

Pretty spooky, that. Hair and the nails.

This is Uncle Barton.

I think you're sleeping in his bed.

Does it bother you ?

A bit.

No volume, no real hold. That's the problem.

I use volumizing conditioner. That helps give it a bit of body, I find.

So, what about it ? Take color, will it ?

[ Church Bell Tolling ]

Jesus.

Style me. What ?

I want styling. You're being done tomorrow. What more do you want ?

Not that.

This.

A love-heart, I think.

Jas, I can't be doing that.

I mean, what the Jesus is Robert gonna think...

if he sees a love-heart on your pubic triangle ?

Listen, darling. To Robert,

this is the bloody Bermuda Triangle.

So, if you want it...

you better cut it.

[ Brian ] Your dad really won't let you color ?

I just don't get it. I spent ages...

practicing with Deacon in my mom's salon.

Deacon ?

Boyfriend... sort of.

Sort of ?

Yeah, you know.

Right. Better get a shift on, eh ?

Gotta get him back to rights before morning.

Give us a hand here. We'll fix him up and then we'll do Uncle Barton.

Always were a weird kid.

I missed you.

You were only seven.

I still missed you.

Me too, Christina.

Me too.

[ Groans ] [ Screams ]

Chris, it was just a kiss !

[ Screaming ]

Christina ! I'm sorry.

He's alive, Brian. He's alive !

Oh, no. It's just air trapped in his voice box.

I heard him, Brian. He moaned. He did.

Come inside. People will hear.

I'm not going back in there. It's just air.

Look, I'll show you.

[ Shuddering ]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

They're viewing Uncle Barton at 10:00.

I'm dead.

I'm bloody dead.

I'd better get you home.

Bloody door's locked.

[ Saul ] He looks like bloody Sid Vicious.

Come on, Brian.

Don't let me down.

[ Bell On Door Dings ]

Where the hell have you been ?

Sorry.

Ah.

She been doing her persuading, has she ?

It's nowt to do with her.

Well, are you happy with Sandra modeling, are you ?

Nowt to do with her, neither. Who is it to do with ?

Ray, that's who.

He walked all over you.

And you let him.

[ Bell On Door Dings ]

♪ I'm a wonderful thing baby ♪

♪ Such a, such a

♪ Wonderful

♪ I'm a wonderful thing baby ♪

♪ Such a, such a

Right, leave this to me. Phil !

♪ But I don't have much time ♪

♪ I've got a dozen or more babes ♪

♪ To see before I fly

♪ [ Fanfare ]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the British Hairdressing Championships...

here in Keighley.

[ Nervous Chuckle ] Suit yourselves.

[ Tony ] Stylists... check your dryers.

[ Whirring ]

[ Tony ] Ladies and gentlemen, competitors of the--

[ Tony Continues ] Where the hell have you been ?

Look, I'm here, aren't I ?

The Ladies' Timed Blow Dry.

[ Silence ]

Huh ?

[ Woman ] Are we starting ?

Oh, yeah. Three... two... one.

Let's style !

♪ Who's that lady

♪ Coming down the road

Christ, Sandra, you've got split ends.

Take a look at yourself, love.

♪ Who's that woman

♪ Walking through my door

So, how's the, uh,

little love-heart ?

It itches.

Ow, Dad !

Just smile, sweetheart. The red horns were a nice touch.

Very theatrical. Talk of the town. I was just practicing.

There are people you practice on and people you don't.

Dead people belong in the latter category.

And there are people you practice with and people you don't.

Bloody Brian Allen also belongs in the latter category. Right ?

Right. Sorry.

♪ Get out of my dreams ♪ Get in the backseat, baby

- What's the deal here ? - What on earth ? My comb's melting.

- I can't work with this ! - [ Chattering ]

Steward. Steward ! What is the meaning of this ? Look at this comb !

♪ Get into my car

♪ Lady driver let me take the wheel ♪

♪ Smooth operator I'm really sorry, Sandra.

What have you done ? I've got to go.

Excuse me. Come here, you.

♪ Make it real Like a roadrunner coming after you ♪

♪ Just like a hill

I'm really, really sorry, Saul.

[ Tony ] Competitors, stop styling.

All competitors to stop styling.

The, uh, clock has stopped.

There will be a five-minute time break.

Replacement combs are being issued now.

Well, fuck this for a game of soldiers.

[ Saul ] Sorry, Phil. Had to be done.

What's going on, love ?

They didn't get me scissor fingers.

You silly bloody fool. Serve you right. Oh, ta.

You'll get no sympathy from me. Stop it, will you ?

Just stop it. What do you think you were doing ?

To dead people, for Christ's sake.

You want looking at by the head doctor.

Leave it, will you ? And you can stay clear of that girl and all.

What's it to do with you who I talk to, eh ? You know what ?

You're bloody jealous, you are. Just stop it !

For once in my life I needed some help from you.

It's the love of your bloody life, cutting hair.

But you couldn't do it for me, could you ? No way.

Are two and two making four here ?

Well, it did when I were at school.

Have you-- Chemotherapy,

radiotherapy, holistic massage,

bollicky potions from China, monkey's piss.

You name it. Yes, I have.

Well, at least you won't be able to mess around with my hair...

when I'm dead, will you, love ?

Why didn't you tell me ?

Maybe because you haven't spoken to me in ten years. Good enough reason ?

Sandra ?

She thinks I'm still in the clear, doesn't she ?

Waiting for it to grow back.

I can't tell her.

You told us.

Yeah, I told you.

I can tell you 'cause you don't care.

Not really.

She cares so much her heart will burst... silly cow.

[ Tony ] Competitors to recommence styling.

You have 15 minutes remaining.

Go on, love.

I thought you of all people would spot a piece when you saw one.

[ Ringing ]

Stylists, time's up. Combs down.

The judging will now begin. Models, take your poses.

[ Murmuring ]

In third place,

with 79 points,

is London's Kilburn Kutters.

[ Applause ]

Second, from Birmingham,

with 80 points, The Style Warriors.

Yes ! [ Applause ]

And in first place, at the end of round one,

with 82 points,

it's South London's Raymond Robertson's Hair Studios.

Yes !

Let me get out of here.

So, one down, three to go. Candy off a baby.

Round two: The Men's Freestyle starts at 10:00 tomorrow.

Volunteers from the audience will be given a free hairdo.

They will draw lots out of a hat...

and be assigned to one of these great teams here. I'm sorry. I did me best.

[ Ray ] Lovely, lovely. Well, you know, early days.

[ Louis ] Commiserations to you. Hello, Phil.

Two gin and tonics, please, love.

Detroit, 1982.

Uh, not with you. The old comb trick.

Detroit, 1982. World Styling Finals.

We're running around shouting, "Foul," while the Yanks,

whose combs mysteriously do not wilt, do not melt, just carry on styling.

No prizes for guessing who took the medals that year.

You can't have forgotten that, Raymond.

1982.

Nope. Can't remember 1982. We've moved on a bit since then.

Thanks, love. Most of us, anyway.

Yeah, the combs. It's a fix, we know. Thanks for calling.

Just 'cause something's fixed, don't mean you can't break it.

Get your coats on.

[ Brian ] What's he doing ? [ Phil ] He's the plant.

Ray spends three hours tonight getting it perfect,

and then Julie Andrews there pretends to cut it tomorrow,

twenty minutes flat.

But it's picked out of a hat.

How's Louis supposed to end up with him if it's random ?

[ Phil ] Their team's not in the hat, though, is it ?

It's in your man's pocket.

Come the selection, he dips his hand in the hat and abracadabra,

Louis gets the carrottop.

Nice, Raymond. Very nice.

Christina.

[ Shelley ] Watch it. Christina.

Yeah ? Cheer up, we're winning.

Now what we need here is just the slightest tint,

so subtle, you'd never know it were colored.

Easy after your last assignment. He's still alive.

Is this in the rules ?

It's in my rules.

Come on. You said you wanted practice.

[ Brian ] What's she doing ?

She don't look right happy about it, love.

[ Brian ] She's still doing it, though.

He's sweet on her, all right.

Gonna get his heart broke,

if it isn't already.

Occupational hazard, love.

Yeah. I guess so.

Who's cuttin' your hair these days ? Nobody.

I do it meself. Looks like it.

Nobody gets to cut my hair.

I used to.

Yeah, but I learned my lesson, didn't I ?

You could have run off with another bloke, at least.

There never was another bloke for me.

Still isn't.

[ Gunshot ]

You get out, you thievin' buggers !

Steal my bloody sheep, will you, you bastards.

♪ Time was drifting Time, Brian. That's it. You've blown it.

You haven't even touched his fringe. You've got 20 minutes total.

That's five minutes each side, five at the back,

three at the front, two for your finishing touches.

You've gotta dance, lad, dance.

Forward, back, forward, back. Thirty times a minute, by heck.

I never thought a son of mine had have flat bloody feet. Must get them from your mother.

On your toes, boy. Balance, shift, feel it.

♪ Couldn't see the light I couldn't see the light ♪

Sharon, love, hop out a second.

Swap over, Shelley. See...

you're our model for Hair By Night, you're not a dummy.

You can help her.

Brush.

Spray. See, it saves seconds,

maybe a whole minute over a Hair By Night job.

You can do a lot of business with a minute. Comb.

♪ A kiss on the lips could be quite continental ♪

♪ But diamonds are a girl's best-- ♪

What the hell happened to you ?

The Total Look-- Marilyn... Monroe.

Well, I didn't think you were the milkman.

Oh, you don't like it. He doesn't like it.

Do you know how many Marilyn Monroes are gonna pop up in Total Look ?

- It's the oldest gag in the book. - [ Shelley ] Now, now.

It's not bad, Sand. It's nice coloring, but--

Right. Different approach.

You could help her. You two did best Total Looks in bloody world.

Let's get this clear, Shelley. I'm not cutting, especially not her.

All right, all right. I'll do Total Look. I was never good at it though.

I still don't see how we're gonna get Ray's carrottop out the picture.

You keep your head on the job, you.

I'm working on it.

Oh, sorry, mate.

How's it going, Tony ?

Marvelous.

Don't worry. It'll soon fill up.

Enjoy yourself.

Model number nine to "Hair Montage."

Model number-- Can I see your number, lad ?

Model number 11, the "Kilburn Kutters."

Model number 26, "The Cut Above."

Model number 33 to... I don't bloody believe it.

"Hair Raisers."

Model number 31 to "The Cutting Room."

And number-- Can I see the card ? Number 13 to...

"The Flair Hair Salon."

Model number 17 to "The Clip Joint."

And model number-- Let's see your number, sir.

Come on, what's your number ? Number seven, thank you.

Where are you going to ? Come on, don't be shy.

Thank you. Model number seven to "The Style Warriors."

Thank you. And model number-- Can you put it the right way up, sir ? Thanks very much.

Model number 19 to "Raymond's Hair Studio."

Thank you very much.

Model number 17 to, um, "The Clip Joint."

Model number 29 to "The Main Line." Thank you.

Okay, the Men's Freestyle Competition...

is about to commence, ladies and gents.

Ooh, the tension's killing me.

Something should. [ Laughter ]

You have 20 minutes starting...

now, let's cut !

♪ She'll never be rich She'll never be famous like you ♪

Anything for the weekend.

[ Laughs ]

♪ Move over, Madonna Give it up for Betty Lou ♪

Got bad news for your beard, mate.

[ Bleating ]

Hey, Noah.

Oh. Thought you'd be in town.

Not allowed. Dad's banned me after I--

You know.

I'm really sorry about your great-uncle's hair. I really am.

Well, I just hope he sees the funny side wherever he is.

Miserable bugger.

Hard work, sheep shearing.

Don't know why we bother. Only gonna get nabbed like all the others.

Can't people tell which ones are yours ?

One sheep's pretty much like another sheep, isn't it ?

Noah, I might be able to help you, if you let me.

[ Bell Dinging ]

[ Tony ] The 20 minutes are up.

And the scissors are down, ladies and gentlemen.

The scissors are down.

Can I just say, ladies and gents,

don't our people look fabulous ?

[ Christina ] No, I did try to call you.

It's just really hard to find reception up here.

Deacon-- Yeah.

Yeah, let's-- let's just do that.

Bye.

I heard you did really well in the freestyle.

So where were you ?

Not allowed to leave the farm unless I'm modeling.

But I've been busy.

I've cracked the color. I really have.

Yeah ? Yeah.

[ Sheep Bleating ]

[ Brian ] You really are getting good at coloring.

Pink still needs some work. It keeps running.

Did a good job on that carrottop last night too.

It was Dad's idea.

Brian, it's-- it's just hair.

Worth cheating to win, though, eh ?

I'll see you around maybe.

Brian.

Brian !

Now after the Men's Freestyle, Raymond Robertson Hair Studios are in first place,

the Kilburn Kutters in second--

Jasmine, love, what I was th--

- What ? - Wha--

Oh.

It was Vincent's idea.

[ Shelley ] Sharon, love, you've got to smile for Hair By Night.

No, Shaz, you've got to smile for the whole haircut.

The judges like it, makes it look fun. Ladies and gentlemen.

♪ [ Vocalizing In Japanese ]

The Total Look.

Yeah ? Nice.

What's the "flucking" problem ?

Got summat to say, have you ?

- Not me. - C'mon, out with it.

Elegance, ingenuity, imagination.

That's what judges are looking for. So, I'm not elegant,

I'm not "ingenuitous," is that what you're saying ?

Come on, love, this is panto.

Well, you're the expert around here, seem to remember.

So, why don't you help me ?

You know bloody well why not.

[ Exasperated Sigh ]

Oh, come on, Phil, do you have to ?

Listen, you're in fourth, wi' two rounds to go.

And there's just the slimmest chance you can take this competition,

but you're not going to with her in an outfit like that.

She hasn't a chance in Total Look.

Not without you she hasn't, no.

Back in a tick, Shaz.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Breathing Heavily, Groans ]

You okay, love ?

[ Gagging, Sniffling ]

Sorry, Sandra.

I'm sorry, love.

Oh, you liar.

You fucking liar. Sand--

Out. Everybody out.

Come on ! Don't you have homes to go to ? Scram ! Shoo !

Bugger off ! Hang on, Sandra.

Oh, knew, did ya ?

Of course you bloody did. And you and all, Phil ?

Traitors all. Everyone knew, except the dizzy cow here.

Don't tell her, she's only her fucking girlfriend, after all.

- What would she know ? - [ Phil ] Sandra--

Don't you dare !

You come round, after ten years of blanking me in the street, telling me I've got no elegance.

Well, you're bloody right, I've got no elegance.

But I've got a big boot, and I'm gonna kick you out. Get out !

Out ! And you, get out of my shop !

What about me highlights ? Bugger your highlights ! Get out !

Your highlights go green if you leave them in too long, love.

How long's too long ? 'bout now.

Well, you can find yourself a new model for tomorrow.

Bloody hell. I'll sue, I will.

Oh, come on, Sandra.

Love. You said you were clear.

You said-- You bloody said.

Emergency prescription, please. Painkillers from Dr. Hamilton.

My friend, Bob.

Did you bring that nice shampoo ?

It's a bloody silly time for a haircut. Daisy ?

What are you doing up ?

Oh, I'm in with the dribblers and the dying, noisy bunch.

Night's the only quiet time.

You've not got your scissors on you, have you ?

Get terrible knots when I'm not seen too regular.

Not that you care.

I'll come tomorrow, Daisy, and bring my bag of tricks, eh ?

"I'll come tomorrow." That's what they all say...

but they never do.

And I don't have many tomorrows, do I ?

In case you've forgotten, neither do I, you selfish, old bat.

That's the spirit.

Tomorrow, then.

[ Man ] Come on, Tony ! Ladies and gents,

welcome back to Keighley's British Hairdressing Championships.

All right then, lovely lasses,

on to the arena, please, thank you.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Round Three is entitled, "Hair By Night."

In "Hair By Night," the judges are looking for...

"an evening wear style which combines elegant traditionalism...

with an imaginative, modern approach to elaborate, formal styling," it says here.

Well, it's your Friday night fancy hairdo, isn't it ?

Can't we just ask someone, Dad ?

Anyone, we can't just throw it away now.

Look, even if we had a model, I've never been one for evening styles,

that were your mum's bag... and Ray's.

We could have had 'em.

[ Tony ] Hurry up and take your seats, ladies.

[ Tony ] Competitors of the National Hairdressing Championships,

you have 45 minutes.

Let cutting commence !

What's it to be today, then ? Oh, summat special, I think, Shell.

Summat really fancy.

Right you are, then.

♪ I met a devil woman

♪ She took my heart away

♪ She said I've had it coming to me ♪

I tell ya, he just walked out. Not a word.

Poached eggs untouched. Jasmine, baby, he's gonna be back, okay ?

So... relax. He better bloody had be, darling,

I'm not having you do my Total Look.

Well, smile, for God's sake.

What's the matter with you, anyway ? You're cheating.

I'm winning.

♪ Here's something that you're never gonna forget ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-baby you just ain't seen no-no-nothing yet ♪

♪ Nothing yet you ain't been around ♪

♪ That's what they told me

♪ And now I'm feeling better

♪ 'Cause I found out for sure ♪

It's one of them 18th-century baroque jobs.

Very popular when that Amadeus was on at pictures.

[ Bell Rings ] Stylists... your time is up.

♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪

♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪

♪ And something without warning, love ♪

♪ Bears heavy on my mind

♪ Then I look at you Smile, love, please. Just smile.

♪ And the world's all right with me ♪

♪ Just one look at you

♪ And I know it's gonna be

♪ A lovely day

A beauty is that, Shelley.

A beauty.

[ Fanfare ] [ Tony ] Ladies and gentlemen, the results of round three.

With 80 points, West London's the Kilburn Kutters.

[ Audience Applauds ]

With 81 points, Raymond Robertson's Hair Studio.

And winning this round with 91 points,

Our very own, Yorkshire's pudding,

pride of our hearts, Keighley's Cut Above !

Fan-bloody-tastic !

[ Tony ] Yes ! Oh, yes !

Eh !

You see ? You're only three points behind in the totals.

You can win it, Shell. All you need is a model for the Total Look.

That wasn't the point, Phil.

That were never the point.

I'm not with you.

You, me, Brian, Sandra... family.

No, you're right.

We were never going to work.

[ Tony ] The final round begins at 6:00, ladies and gents, 6:00.

Mum ?

Your mum was 18 and she'd given up modeling...

when you came along, and I was styling Sandra.

Dippiest cow I'd ever come across.

Hair like satin, though.

Beautiful.

And me and Sandra, we'd worked out the most amazing Total Look.

We spent six months planning it.

Six months on a fucking hairdo.

Well, she left... with your mum.

The night before the competition.

Fun and games, eh ?

Doesn't sound like it's been exactly fun and games for either of 'em.

No.

Got that one wrong, didn't I ?

I'll put some toast on, eh ?

Ta, lad. Toast would be grand.

[ Woman ] Excuse me. [ Woman #2 ] Watch where you're going.

Nothing. Well, where is she ? We should be prepping her now.

It's close enough as it is without her going AWOL. I want that trophy, Louis.

[ Knocking ] Christina ?

Christina ?

What have you done ?

Louis,

get me another model.

Get out of my way !

I'm a bit of a mess.

It's the most beautiful cut I've ever seen in my life.

Don't make fun of me, please, okay ?

I'm not. I'm not.

It's beautiful.

No, she's gone out for a walk.

She's probably up top of hill.

Your mum.

I'm in the bath. I'll let you know when I'm out.

- Mind if I join ya ? - No lock on the door.

All seems pretty stupid from this distance.

Sandra, she needs you.

Been through everything with her, you know ?

Everything.

Didn't tell a soul, kept it all inside.

Our secret. The hairless bloody hairdresser.

But when it comes down to it,

she couldn't tell me, could she ?

It's not me she needs, Phil.

It's you.

Maybe it's neither, it's us.

Not much of an us, you and me.

Seen worse. Really ?

- Maybe not. - [ Laughs ] Aye.

Still, has to be worth a shot.

- Please. - Well, I never thought...

I'd hear "please" come out of your gob.

You must be desperate.

Is it still there, the tattoo ?

Oh, I guess faded a bit, eh ?

I haven't looked in ages.

I'm not proud of what I did, Phil.

I didn't want to run off with her.

I couldn't help it. I just fell in love with her.

Me too, kid.

Me too.

♪ [ Fanfare ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Man ] All right, Tony ? Eh-up, sexy.

Welcome back to the final round of the British Hairdressing Championships.

The Total Look, ladies and gents, is where the stylists recreate, not just the hair,

but the entire costume of an era, person...

or concept even.

The costumes and hair preparations have been worked on for weeks.

The hair, however,

needs to be created in just 45 minutes.

So, for the final time in this year's competition,

models to the mirrors, please.

And here they are, the top six teams...

who've made it to the grand finale,

where they'll challenge to become British Champion.

[ Tony ] Hey, I'll say this,

what's Las Vegas got that Keighley hasn't ?

Eh ? Nowt.

Razzle-dazzle, entertainment, thrills and spills ?

By God, we've got it all.

Viva Las Keighley !

Yeah !

Ray, found one. It's all bloody green !

She'll have to do. Come on, love.

So what do you think the chances are, eh, Louis ?

Well, we're in the clear, The Cut Above's a no-show.

Where the bugger are they ?

What about the bloody Kilburn Kutters ?

Well, something's up, Robert's not doing Total Look. He always does it.

- [ Ray ] Ooh. - Mmm. Good luck.

Hey, Mum !

Mum !

What is it, love ?

It's Dad. He's cutting !

[ Tony ] Hairdresser of the Year '80, '81, '82.

Twice British Champion, 1981, '82.

Ladies and gentlemen, Keighley's Phil Allen.

Just like old times, this.

The moment of truth. You have 45 minutes, starting now.

Calm down. I've done this a thousand times, all right ?

Robert always does the wedding rig on me.

Well, you put an end to that, didn't you, babe ?

Go on, love. It's been waiting ten years, after all.

♪ Baby, don't you know I'm just human ♪

♪ And I've got thoughts like any other man ♪

♪ And sometimes I feel myself alone regretting ♪

♪ Some foolish thing Some foolish thing I've done ♪

♪ But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good ♪

♪ Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood ♪

♪ Oh Lord

♪ Don't you let me be misunderstood ♪

♪ Don't let me be

♪ Don't let me be misunderstood ♪

[ Bell Rings ]

[ Tony ] Ladies and gentlemen...

Suzie as "Still Life."

[ Tony ] A total of 73 points, ladies and gentlemen.

And now we have The Style Warriors from Birmingham.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ebony as "Winter."

My dad, did you see him ? Shh. They're judging.

[ Tony ] The Style Warriors with Ebony as "Winter."

I wish we had that kind of winter in Keighley, eh ?

Eighty-two points.

Okay, it's now the turn of the Kilburn Kutters...

from West London.

[ Vincent ] Ladies and gentlemen, Jasmine as "Marriage."

[ Man ] Is that how it's supposed to be ?

[ Screaming ]

Er, 65 points. Big round of applause, please, ladies and gents.

And now, it's Raymond Robertson's Hair Studio.

Ladies and gentlemen, it now gives me the profoundest pleasure...

to introduce you...

to the very lovely "Nefertita."

[ Tony ] Ninety points !

Well, that keeps him in the lead overall.

Ninety points for Raymond Robertson.

It's going to close, ladies and gents. It's gonna be very close.

Thank you, Raymond.

And last but not least,

Keighley's own The Cut Above. [ Audience Cheers ]

Sandra as--

[ Man ] Come on, Keighley ! Well...

as Sandra.

Give it all you got !

[ Woman ] Come on, Keighley, you can do it.

[ Man ] Come on, Keighley !

Ninety-friggin'-four !

Yeah ! Yes !

[ Tony ] The Cut Above, 94 points !

Which makes them...

overall British Hairdressing Champions...

Hair 2000 !

[ Tony ] Yes !

We've bloody gone and done it ! Yes !

Hey, who's laughing at Keighley now, eh ?

No one ! No !

Champions ! Come on, give it plenty !

Champions ! Keighley the champions !

[ Together ] Yeah !

I'm sorry.

Back to London if you-- if you want a lift.

No.

Well, look after yourself, won't you ?

You too, Dad.

Look at you.

How are you ?

Never better, love. Never better.

You could've told me, Shell.

Me, of all people.

You of all people I couldn't.

Ah, love.

Ah, love.

Phil.

Beautiful, love.

Beautiful.

[ Laughs ] Thank you very much.

They went mad in there.

[ Both Laugh ]

Home ?

Yeah... home.

[ Sandra ] Shell, lend us one of your wigs ?

[ Phil ] What do you mean ? That's a prize-winning haircut.

♪ This time the girl is gonna stay ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna sta-ay ♪

♪ For more than just a day

♪ Well, I just can't help believing ♪

♪ When she slips her hand in my hand ♪

♪ And it feels so small and helpless ♪

♪ And my fingers fold around it like a glove ♪

♪ I just can't help believing

♪ When she's whispering her magic ♪

♪ And her tears are shining honey sweet with love ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna stay ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna stay ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna sta-ay ♪

♪ For more than just a day

♪ For more than just a day

♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

Sing the song, baby. ♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

One more time. ♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

Yeah, one more. ♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

♪ For more than just a day

♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

♪ When she slips her hand in my hand ♪

♪ And it feels so small and helpless ♪

♪ And my fingers fold around it like a glove ♪

♪ I just can't help believing

♪ When she smiles and whispers her magic ♪

♪ And her tears are shining honey sweet with love ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna stay ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna stay ♪

♪ This time the girl is gonna sta-ay ♪

♪ For more than just a day

♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

Take it, babe. ♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

Yo. ♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

♪ Oh, I just can't help believing ♪

[ Applause ]