All language subtitles for The Simpsons 31x02 - Go Big or Go Homer (English)

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

- _
- Oh, boy,

Lenny is gonna be so surprised.

And I got the perfect card.

- _
- Uh-huh!

"Over the hill than under it." Yeah.

_

Having chipped in, you may now sign.

Nice work.

No "best wishes," I like the restraint.

Yeah, I thought about "regards,"
but Lenny knows how I feel.

Okay, everybody, be quiet.

Lenny's gonna be here any minute. Shh.

Sur... prise.

I thought this was

my blood transfusion room,

but, uh, there's not a baby in sight.

It's a surprise party for Lenny, sir.

Everybody chipped in five
bucks for a card and a cake

and a show by close-up
magician Abraca-Debra.

What? Damn!

Well, in that case,
I suppose I should sign, too.

"With regards, C. Montgomery Burns."

Mm. Hmm.

Ah, Lenny, happy birthday.

This is the greatest birthday ever!

And best of all, Mr.
Burns signed my card.

To everyone who chipped in.

Chipped in. Chipped in.

Chipped in.

What kind of person
signs a birthday card

and doesn't chip in?

You sign the card, you got to chip in.

- It's the code of the card.
- How big did he sign?

Eddie Bauer big.

Stupid unpaid signature.

This is the worst thing
that ever happened

at a nuclear power plant.

Homie, just let it go.

Don't let a signature drive you crazy.

You're right, honey.

I'll let it go.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Happy birthday, Lenny.

No. No!

No!

Homie, what is it?

I had the most horrible nightmare

where I listened to your advice.

Okay, okay.

Okay, Homer, you can do this.

You can make things right.

Mr. Burns, everyone who signed

that birthday card chipped
in except for you.

You owe five dollars.

How dare you...

give that the slightest worry.

Hope you didn't lose any sleep

over this little misunderstanding.

Here, have a cricket on
a thread for good luck.

You monster...

taking advantage of an old man.

What are you talking about?

Mr. Burns is heavily medicated

on a round-the-clock regimen
of skin thickeners.

The side effect of that medication

is bouts of uncontrollable decency.

And you exploited that.

I'm demoting you to the
worst job in this place:

supervising the nuclear plant interns.

Listen up, millenniums.
I'm Homer Simpson,

your new supervisor.

So stop Snapchatting, Fortnite-ing

and swiping right on your Uber Venmos.

We're actually replicating
plant start-up sequences

to simulate the effects of
high-demand energy draws.

Contamination versus
irradiation... your thoughts?

Address rate of reaction.

What variables can we assume?

Uh...

Der... Uh... Der-der...

Der...

This guy is denser than osmium-188.

Are my ears hearing this?

Are you seriously busting the clangers

of Homer J. Simpsons?

This man is a god and his
clangers are unbustable.

You're looking at the Michael Jordan

of Sector 7G.

And you humps aren't worthy
to swill his backwash.

You're sticking up for me?

Who are you?

Mike Wegman, nuclear intern.

And your number one fan.

Yeah, well, your hero has a Pop-Tart

in his cell phone holster.

Are you kidding?

No one disrespects Homer Simpsons.

Not you, Ricky, with your standing desk.

It's not a workout; it's been disproven.

And not you, Gretchen,

drinking coffee creamer
straight from the bottle.

You exude amaretto, you freak.

And, Benjamin, no one ever got trampled

at a Michael Bubl� concert.

Drop the friggin' lawsuit,
you're clogging up the system.

This man is a dynamo.

So you shaved coconuts give
him your full respect.

All right, all right.
Sorry, Mr. Simpson.

Looking forward to learning
from you, Mr. Simpson.

People at work usually
yell at me, not for me.

How do you know who I am?

So modest. What a dynamo.

- Because of this.
- Hmm?

- _
- Whenever there's trouble,

you are at the heart of the action.

Number six is why all
those horses went bald.

Yeah. Well, I-I-I've been
looking up to you for so long

from the cheap seats, and now
we're finally face-to-face,

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I got to ask,

w-will you be my coach? My sensei?

Homer J. Simpsons,
will you be my mentor?

If you accept, let me know

by taking this half a PowerBar.

I rolled up the wrapper really
good so there's no pocket lint.

Mike Wegmans, I will be your mentor.

Okay, which of these ties is better

for my first day as a mentor?

Purple stripes or this one?

Are you wearing my perfume?

I like it on you, he'll like it on me.

Dad, it's not often that you...

how do I put this?

Care so much about your job?

Well, now that I'm a mentor,
everything's changed.

For the first time, another human being

is dependent on me to
guide them through life.

This guy I'm menting is so cool.

He listens with his mouth open.

He's been blocked by so many
celebrities on Twitter.

And he thinks I'm the
most valuable worker

at the entire nuclear plant.

Oh, I get it.

He's super dumb.

Mock all you want.

I finally have someone
at work who admires me.

He's fat.

Homer, your pants.

They'll come around again.

They always do.

There's my thoroughbred.

I-I got your coffee just
the way you like it.

No coffee, just doughnut holes.

Oh, my God, are you busting my bricks?

I-Is this real?

Sector 7G.

7G, where Olympus fears to tread.

He sure does.

Okay, you are a category
five hurricane of knowledge,

and I'm like that old idiot who
won't leave his beach house.

Please, drown my in my
attic with what you know.

I thought you might say that.

So I've prepared inspirational posters.

- _
- I feel like Amar'e Stoudemire

when he first set foot in Jerusalem.

W-What else you got?

- Uh, let's see...
- Uh-huh.

- Don't forget about the, uh...
- Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yeah.

- Oh, uh, and, of course...
- Gold.

- ... you got to, you just got to.
- Gold. Okay.

- Because if you don't...
- Soakin' it in. Gold.

- Well, oh.
- Soakin' it in.

- Well, they don't have that anymore.
- I can remember this.

- And you see these?
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna tell you that later.
- Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yeah.

I can't believe this.

I-I'm only 35 and I am
sitting at the feet

of the atomic Baba Booey.

Mm. You're 35?

Then why do you have a
job of a 20-year-old

and talk like a ten-year-old?

Here's how it is.

So, my buddy 'Nesto and me

were cleaning gutters for cash,

when that idiot 'Nesto falls off

and lands on a doghouse. Stupid 'Nesto.

Then my parents are on my
case to get a real career,

something "closer to the ground."

So I thought, "Why not follow my hero

"into man's greatest calling?

Nuclear whatever."

So I went down to the plant,

told them I was part Native American...

I could be, I always liked those guys...

and boom! I'm an intern.

Three short years later,
got myself a mentor.

Wow. My posters really worked.

But you don't need me telling
you how great you are,

y-you get enough of that at home.

Happy birthday, Lenny.

Say, Mike,

why don't you come over
to my house for dinner?

I've got some people
I'd like to introduce

to the way you act around me.

Okay. I-I could do that.

I could make that happen.

Huh. I got this.

Hey, Lenny, you duck-faced psycho,

guess who's going to
Homer Simpson's house

for a meal? Me.

Uh, I'm Carl.

I wish you would give
me more of a heads-up

before inviting a mentee for dinner.

I guess we'll have enough

if I double the chip
layer on the casserole.

Don't worry, you're gonna love this kid.

Kid? He looks 40-plus.

Oh, Homer, she is a beaut.

Now I know why you're
always napping at work.

Mr. Plow, indeed.

Hello. I'm Marge.

Mike Wegman. This is Maureen.

And this is Patrick Ewing Wegman.

It's a girl. You can't name her Patrick.

2.4 blocks per game, lifetime.

She's Patrick.

Look at this spread.

I-I was expecting, like, a-a party sub,

but hot carrots? Who thinks of that?

Slow it, you'll burn your mouth again.

All right, all right,
I'm gonna blow on 'em.

Thank you for having us.

Mike admires your husband so much.

Do you hear that? "So much"!

They don't admire me any much.

You better hold on to this guy, Marge,

'cause if he were single,
he'd be cleaning up.

I mean cleaning up, knee-deep.

Don't worry, honey.

You're the only woman for me.

I wasn't worried.

So, Mrs. Wegman, how did you two meet?

Oh, well, you're gonna love this story.

It's so romantic. Tell her, honey.

Go ahead, tell her.

He was a waiter at my wedding.

She was so beautiful,
like one of those girls

you see leaving Vinny's
bedroom on Entourage

that don't say nothin'.

So, Mike, you seem like a sharp tack.

What exactly is my dad teaching you?

How to eat doughnuts while napping?

Did this little hump just
say what I thought I heard?

It's okay, Mike. I don't sweat it.

Yeah, Mike, the only thing
Homer sweats is gravy.

No one disrespects Homer Simpsons!

Especially not an ugly
little punk like you.

That's right, I said "ugly."

Your head looks like a rejected Muppet.

Two golf balls glued to a can of oats.

Between that Tommy Lasorda gut
and those toothpick legs,

you are not a kid... you are
a walkin' potato clock.

Ha-ha-ha! Ugly! Ha!

Muppet...

Ah! Toothpick legs!

Potato clock!

I'm just bustin' your clangers, kid.

All right, it's okay.

I want you out!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Where's the baby registered?!

DraftKings!

How many times do I
have to say I'm sorry?

Once would be nice.

Wow, you're really bustin' my clangers.

That guy's a lunatic.

He's not crazy.

He's the only one that respects me!

The kids and I respect you.

All you guys ever did was love me.

But look me in the eyes and
tell me you respect me,

as a nuclear guy.

I just liked the feeling

that one person thinks
I'm good at something.

Mm, I get it, Homie.

But if you really want to help this guy,

help him grow up.

Come on, Fordham,

Bucknell's got no rim protection.

They're garbage. Just cover the spread.

Hey, Homer. How's it clangin'?

I'm, uh, just tunin' in to
a little college hoops.

Yeah, Mike, I was thinking,

if you weren't a
35-year-old unpaid intern

with a baby on the way, do
you have any other dreams?

Ah, man, you are mentoring
me hard right now.

Oh, okay, I'm gonna tell you,

- but don't laugh.
- I won't.

- Slices.
- Uh-huh.

Nothing better than getting
a slice of pizza, right?

But it's always been under
the heat lamp all dried out.

Damn heat lamp.

Right. So why not make the
pizza one slice at a time,

hot and fresh?

Every slice is Derek Jeter.

No Scott Brosius in the bunch.

That's genius!

Oh, my God, I can't believe you like it.

Mike! You know what you
should call your slices?

Mike's Slices.

- I'm Mike!
- Yeah!

Okay, what you need is an investor,

and I know the perfect person.

He gave me five dollars.

Every slice hot and fresh

from the oven into your mouth.

Every slice a Jeter.

No Scott Brosiuses.

Why can't I get a whole
pizza and slice it myself?

There are no whole pizzas.

It's just slices, hot and fresh.

And don't worry about investing
with this guy, Mr. Burns,

because he's backed by
the full mentorship

of Homer J. Simpsons.

Then it's my pleasure to tell you...

that that is the stupidest
idea I've ever heard.

Get this intern out of my
office, you nincompoop!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ho! No one disrespects
Homer J. Simpsons.

No, Mike, don't.

Nin... com... poop!

Listen to me, you skunk-bag
full of Centrum Silver

sitting on your peanut brittle ass

with your turn-of-the-century
buzzard face.

You ain't worthy to squeegee
this man's back sweat.

You smell like Chinese
food that someone left

in an old jack-o'-lantern.

My mentor is the shiniest
diamond in the whole Zales,

so stuff your organs back in their jars

and crawl in your mummy box,

you sick, fungused-up, hep-C Dracula!

By the way, he's off his happy pills.

You're lucky Mr. Burns's
gun was 200 years old.

Yeah, but now my doctor says

I can't get shot in the face again.

Who's ugly now, pellet-head?

Come on, it's okay. Don't cry.

I'm not. All the BBs in my
head are making it heavy.

Mike, this is all my fault.

I know you think I'm a great
nuclear guy, but I'm not.

I didn't stop those accidents.

I caused them.

Huh? No. No.

All my posters... "Bet on Yourself,"

"Go Big or Go Home"...

I was caught shoplifting
those from a poster store.

I was trying to go big, and
they wouldn't let me go home.

Mike, face it, I'm a bad mentor.

No one disrespects Homer Simpsons.

Not even you.

You're the best mentor a
lousy bride-banger like me

could ever ask for.
And I'm gonna prove it.

Who spilled BBs

all over the... whoa!

Yo! Mentor!

_

Anybody want a slice of pizza

that wasn't sliced from a pizza?

Where'd you get a food truck?

It's all cause of you, mentor,
all cause of you. Deal with it.

The boys and I will take a large pie.

Can't you read a truck, Cookie Puss?

Slices only!

All righty, three slices, please.

They'll be ready in 13,
26 and 39 minutes.

And don't block the
window, sizzle chest.

When will my slice be ready?

And by "slice," I mean the first payment

on your outstanding loan.

You borrowed money from the mob?!

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's all good.

I took a one-week loan from
Fat Tony for a hundred grand.

I put $50k into the truck

and then bet the other 50
on tonight's Lehigh game,

which is a lock. So when I win the bet,

I pay back the mob,

and I own the truck free and clear.

Oh, no.

You bet on yourself!

Go big or go home, baby.

And Lehigh's in trouble

as Holy Cross goes on an
unanswered 20-point run.

No, no, no, Lehigh is a lock!

They're undefeated on floors
with hockey ice beneath them.

Yet again, a man's life hangs
by the gossamer thread

of Patriot League basketball.

Guns up.

But Lehigh takes the lead with a three

from way behind the arc.

- Yes!
- Guns down.

But the Crusaders answer

with a floater in the key!

And Lehigh comes back
with a monster dunk!

Yeah!

As the final seconds tick away,
Lehigh has this one in the bag!

Whoo-hoo!

The body bag!

As a last-second half-court heave

gives Holy Cross the win.

Guns up.

Safeties off.

Don't worry, I know a place

where they will never find us.

_

A food truck graveyard.

Why are there so many failed ones?

'Cause they don't have an
original concept, like me.

Homer, I got to tell you one thing.

Your boy's not ugly.

He's gorgeous.

Just like his old man.

He's gonna clean up.

Tell baby Patrick I loved her.

All right, do me.

I smell mozzarella

gently melting over a single
slice of triangular dough.

Before the end, we will share a pie.

It's just slices, you goombah caveman!

Mmm! Usually a slice is dried out

from sitting under a heat lamp,
but this is hot and fresh!

See? This guy has good ideas.

What if...

you let Mike work in the
truck to pay you back?

No. The food truck business
is too big a gamble.

And even our gambling
operation is in trouble

with the advent of
legal online wagering.

Too bad you can't take
action out of my food truck,

let the betting come to you.

Now, do me already!

A food truck that takes bets?

I'll take a slice of cheese

and the moneyline on Georgetown.

Yo, Tony! We're raking
it in on the sportsbook.

And it was a great idea to sell
weed out of this thing also.

Homer, you believed in this stagelagoots

when no one else would.

You listened to him, nurtured his ideas,

and now he is a success.

Truly, you are an excellent mentor.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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