Original subtitles

- Ooh, thats doubles.

- Jesus Christ.

Since when did our favorite coffee place

become a suburban basement from the 80s?

- I know right?

Its like beanbags and board games.

You people are adults!

- I saw an open chutes and ladders over there,

and not a single ten-year-old to be found.

- Jared from Subways worst nightmare.

- What do you think haunts him more?

His old giant jeans, or his actions?

- Oh, you sunk my battleship.

- You burst my aneurysm.

- Fuck this ironic daycare center, okay?

Is free personal space in this city too much to ask?

- You can go back to the library.

- Yeah, but youre just gonna hit on

all the hot homeless guys.

- Try to think of it as living al fresco.

- Can you meet tomorrow? - I cant.

I have to go to Yeshiva for my sister-in-laws graduation.

Rucchel took a continuing ed class in Yiddish poetry.

- Oh, good.

- Well, shell never be out of work.

Thats for sure.

- Were not gonna get any work done.

Do you want to see a movie?

- Yeah, what should we see?

- I dont know, Im sure Paul Feig

has done an all-female reboot of something

that he didnt ask me to audition for.

- Oh, what about a gay "Gremlins"?

- Ooh, what about a gay "Gremlins"?

- Why havent they done that yet?

- I dont know. Im listening.

Tell me more. - Everyones so homophobic,

cant do gay "Gremlins."

- Hey, guys.

You sticking around for Twister?

I got to warn you though, turns into

a real cuddle party sometimes.

- Sorry.

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, noods, I was almost to the train

when I realized I forgot my squash stuff.

[muffled moaning sounds, buzzing]

Noodles?

Waterbug?

[buzzing]

- Yes.

Arthur.

- Okay.

[buzzing]

RUCCHEL: Hurry up in there. Dont touch anything.

Put paper on the seat.

Renee, go block the door for your sister.

- I dont want to.

She always says, "pish, pish, pish" when she pees.

I hate it.

- Im pee shy.

Like Uncle Billy.

- Hey, that was told to you in confidence.

- Tal, Renee, be gone.

- This is so stupid.

- What if we just drove away?

- [chuckles]

Billy, you hungry?

Why dont you get yourself a tuna sandwich

from the cooler?

Weve got kasha varniskas.

Weve got Hydrox cookies.

- Its a ten minute drive. Im fine.

- Do you realize what a schlemiel your brother is?

- I knew he worked at Hasenpfeffer Incorporated,

but I never knew-- - My graduating class

was supposed to have our poetry reading

Thursday night, but Garry screwed up

booking the venue, and now its canceled.

It was so simple.

A community center, a restaurant.

- Rucchel, if you want, you can do your show

at the café.

Just please stop verbally castrating my brother

in front of me.

- Thank you, Billy.

- Thats very nice. Thank you, Billy.

- For Chrissake.

[horn honks]

Jesus.

You girls better be fucking kidnapped!

- Garry, is everything with you and Rucchel okay?

- What? Yeah, were fine.

Its just marriage, you know.

- I dont know how you dont tell her to back off.

I would have to.

Cool that you can just roll over

and eat shit, I guess.

RUCCHEL: Lets move, before I go full Casey Anthony.

BILLY: What did you say you got in here?

Like tuna or something?

JULIE: Knock, knock!

Hi.

I brought your stuff for your squash game tonight.

You left it at home in the bedroom earlier.

- Thank you.

- Youre welcome.

- Okay, well, uh,

Ill see you later,

uh, in the apartment.

- Yes. - Where we live.

- Yep. Im gonna go.

- Bye. - Bye.

[sighs] Ladies room, ladies room,

office, office,

everybodys got an office besides me.

Must be nice.

Empty office...

Hello, baby.

- And Arthur said we can use this office?

- Well, todays an awkward day to ask Arthur anything.

He caught me watching porn this morning.

- Really? - Yeah.

And now Im worried about his feelings.

Well, worried is a little strong.

Im worried that the world will never really appreciate

how great of a singer Ann Wilson is.

Im concerned about Arthurs feelings.

- You know, once Garry caught me watching porn,

and ever since then, he tries to set me up

with Latin cab drivers.

- I guess Arthur didnt expect the porn I watch

to be quite as crowded.

- Well, yeah, I mean, you watch

some really fucked-up shit.

- If Im not horrified and offended

the minute Im done with it, I dont bother seeking it out.

- You know, I do like the audition ones, though,

you know, the ones where, like, a guy shows up

thinking hes gonna have sex with a girl,

and then he gets there, and the directors like,

"Well, the girl never showed up,

but my buddy Trevors already here, so..."

- You know who I hate are those guys

who think theyre so feminist because they jerk off

to porn starring women with natural breasts

and a big bush.

Like, congratulations.

- Ooh, are you talking about porn?

I love the cartoon category on those sites.

You know, sex should have whimsy.

Its so fun and fanciful to watch Lilo

get punch-fucked by Stitch or George Jetson

with a mouthful of his dogs--

- Matthew, why havent you drowned

in Bryan Singers pool yet?

- I have a hard time watching porn without seeing

the work that goes into it.

You guys know Ive been in a few, right?

- What? - Are you serious?

- Well, yeah, my screen name was Blade Stallion.

I was in "Thundercocks 4" and "You Want It Where: Rio."

Saw a lot of the world, man.

Well, saw a lot of Rio.

Me and India Summer still play Words with Friends.

- I am googling Blade Stallion.

- Already there, and may I say,

compliments to the chef.

- Mine was bigger.

BILLY: This place is perfect.

Should we get a coffee machine?

- Lets get two so theres never a line.

- Yes.

All right, Im going to the restroom.

What happens if I run into Arthur?

- We have to come in on off hours so that we dont.

- Got it.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hey, Julie, its your mother.

Listen, I need you take a moment out of your day

and do something for me.

One of my patients has a daughter

who just graduated from college, and she wants

to get into show business.

- I dont want to answer a millenials

career questions.

- And Im not saying youve accomplished

enough to be giving anyone advice,

but the truth is, my practice has been

in a bit of a dip lately.

I dont know why.

Ive been texting far less during sessions.

- So what?

- Please, Julie, see the girl, for me.

- Yes, fine, just dont call me again

during office hours.

- You have a job?

MAN: Okay, were here at your destination.

The fare is $45.

MAN: But I dont have any money.

MAN: Then Im gonna have to fuck you, faggot.

- An unexpected turn.

[knock at door]

Garry. - Billy.

- What are you doing here?

- I told Rucchel to back off.

- And?

- Well, I got a new lease on life.

And you just got a new roommate.

- I told her to back off, just like you said.

- No, I didnt say that.

When did I say that? Did I say that?

No, no, no, no, Garry,

you have to call her and apologize.

- And eat more shit?

No way.

That Yiddish poetry class

has just opened a Pandoras box

of womens liberations meshuggahs.

Now Im a bachelor,

and so is my baby brother.

Weve got to go out on the town,

just like the skit.

Remember the skit?

"Too Wild and Crazy Two and a Half Men."

- That wasnt it.

- So your brother moved in with you,

and he didnt have the decency to give us fair warning

so we could pitch this as a multi-cam to CBS?

- Julie, I am in hell.

He talked all night about how he wanted to go out

and party like its 1999,

which makes me still in the closet at home,

you know, wondering how they they were

gonna wrap up "Just Shoot Me!"

I got, like, two hours of sleep last night.

- Me too.

Actually, thats not true.

I got nine and a half.

But its still super awkward between me and Arthur

since he freaked out over that jizz festival

he caught me watching.

WOMAN: [clears throat]

So did you have any advice, or...

- Oh, right. Youre here.

- Yeah, um, my mom is friends with your mom.

She said that you guys work in show business.

Any tips?

I have a friend,

shes got an internship at "The Tonight Show."

- Isnt it funny how Jimmy Fallon

slowly turned "The Tonight Show"

into a childrens birthday party?

- Last night, he played pin the tail on the donkey

with Pussy Riot.

- Right?

Those games are a blast.

Id love to intern there.

BILLY: Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

- So youd like to work for free?

- Id love to.

- We have an intern!

Finally we can boss someone around.

- Okay, I-nez?

- "Inez." - I-nez?

- "Inez." - I-nez.

- "Inez." - Ined.

- I have to say it like Ined. - Just Inez is fine.

JULIE: Thats a hard S? - Inez.

- Inez, were gonna need you to get us meetings.

Were gonna need you to get us generals, okay?

- And pitches.

We need to be pitching constantly.

- Mm-hmm. - Do you understand, Inez?

- And get a menu book, okay, with options.

- Yeah. I need healthy options.

I need ingredients.

Im gonna make my own salad, Inez.

- Hes gonna make his own salad, Inez.

- Whos gonna stop me, you?

- Youre gonna get a menu, and its gonna have

a make your own salad option.

Theres gonna be proteins, nuts and grains, seeds...

- I want a nut, and I want it green, Inez.

- Legumes, Inez. - I want an avocado.

- Do you know what an avocado is, Inez?

- No.

- Its a guacamole ingredient, Inez,

and he wants it in his salad.

Its also very impor-- I notice

youre not writing any of this down.

BILLY: Is it in your head?

- Its very important that you coordinate

our schedules so that we dont run into Arthur.

Whos Arthur? My boyfriend.

He works here.

- Um, do I get a desk?

both: No! - You dont get a desk.

Jesus Christ! - Youre gonna sit on the floor.

- Talk about an entitled generation.

- Youre gonna sit on the floor.

- You are gonna love sitting on the floor.

- Mm. - Im sorry?

- [stutters]

- By the way, this is just you just paying your dues.

- Yeah, we all did this, Inez. - We all did this.

You shouldve seen what I went through.

- He interned for Conan.

- Whos Conan?

- Oh, my God! - What?

What is wrong with you?

"Whos Conan?"

- Oh, you mean James Corden?

- Is that supposed to be a joke?

Mom, why are we at the Museum of Sex?

- Since my client load has lessened

and your father went away on that conference,

Ive been visiting every museum in the city

in alphabetical order.

Were up to S, Museum of Sex.

Here we are.

- Right in front of the medieval nipple clamps

and the vibrators from steampunk times

you had to plug into a wall.

- You know, Ive never been with an uncircumcised man.

Well, not sexually, of course.

Ive shared an elevator with Tomas,

my old doorman.

- I beg that you stop talking about this.

- Marital aids. [chuckles]

Give me a break.

Any idiot knows the only marital aid

that really works is keeping an open dialogue

with your partner.

Secrets ruin couples.

- Mom, Arthur and I had a--

- Those people that wont talk or listen to one another.

- Mom-- - I mean, there are two people

in every conversation, one, two.

- So-- - Give your partner a chance

to speak. - I had a question about--

- Thats why Im good at what I do.

- Good talk, Mom.

Arthur, please, would you stop being weird about this?

- Im not being weird.

Im reading Jonathan Franzen.

Youre the one watching your little secret movies.

- Just because I can compartmentalize

doesnt mean Im hiding secrets.

I just think that theres a time and a place for porn

and a time and a place for loving,

get-to-the-point intercourse with the person

who makes omelets for you.

- If its not a secret, show me the porn

you like to watch.

Maybe Ill like it too.

- I dont think thats a good idea.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, fine.

But if I show you mine, you have to show me yours.

I want to see your porn too, okay?

- Sure. Sounds fun.

[moaning sounds]

[screaming]

I thought you were a feminist.

Okay, okay.

Do you guarantee that what I just saw

is not at all what you want in bed?

- Of course not.

Youre not a football team,

and I havent been abducted.

Now its your turn.

Fair is fair.

You show me your porn now.

- Okay.

- Aw, the sweater drawer.

- Mm-hmm.

Et voila.

- Aw, you still like magazines.

- Medium was impressed upon me in my youth.

- "Redhead Fever"?

"Pale Babes In Their Mid-30s"?

"Jewish Girls with Big Naturals"?

Arthur, all these girls look like me.

- Well, this girl doesnt look like you.

She has a tattoo.

- I showed you a brutal gangbang video,

and youre showing me this quaint

parade of doppelgangers?

- Im sorry I like looking at naked redheads

in their 30s who went to Hebrew school.

- Ugh!

- Im sure plenty of girls would be thrilled

that their boyfriends like porn that bears

a proximate resemblance to their real partners

or their actual sex life.

- Porn that resembles your actual sex life

is like going to a foreign land and eating

at a chain restaurant.

Youre in Morocco. Youre on safari with Ken Burns.

Why the fuck are you at a Burger King?

- I dont need to be yelled at for liking what I like.

Im sorry if my sexual peccadilloes

are too bland for you.

- And Im sorry that I like masturbating

to filthy, disgusting garbage.

- Wait, so "Juggy, Jewish Gingers" is a real magazine?

Graydon Carter must be branching out.

- Im just concerned that maybe me and Arthur

not liking the same porn is underlying

some bigger differences I didnt know we had.

- Well, look, just please dont break up right now.

Garry kept me up all night.

He took out our high school yearbook,

and he was going through it and ranking the girls

by caboose.

- Jesus.

Inez, wheres the menu book?

- I already put in your dinner order.

- Yeah, well, were gonna need a second dinner also.

Did you start a Seamless account with your credit card

like we asked you to do?

- Um, yes, uh...

You guys are gonna reimburse me--

- Hey, quick question, Inez.

Whats with all the clicking and clacking on the keyboard?

- Hmm, yes.

Its not the clicking I mind so much

as the clacking.

- Its the clacking. Its the clacking.

- Im just taking notes for this thing Im writing.

- Oh, a thing youre writing, like, for yourself?

- Oh, hello, Eve.

- Hi, Inez, hi.

Inez, let me make one thing clear.

When youre in our office,

you dont work on your own bullcrap.

- No, if you need something to do,

get us some more generals on the calendar.

- We got to get Garry back together with Rucchel.

Its not gonna be easy.

Rucchel is one of those stubborn

tiny Jewish women who take everything

as a personal offense.

- Well, then well just find a stubborner

tinier Jewish-er woman whos always on the defensive

cause shes only thinking about herself all the time.

- Who are we gonna find thats tough enough

and who has the time to deal with all of that?

- You know, this alphabetical tour of museums

has really broadened by horizons.

Who knew there were six floors at the Museum of Tarps?

- So, Mom, we need your help.

- Yeah, my brother and his wife are having marital problems.

- And you came to me?

This is just the boost I needed.

Oh, isnt it funny how your own children

dont know what you need, but you did, Billy.

You did.

WOMAN: ♪ I love it when you call me baby, baby ♪

- Billy, come here. Watch me nae nae!

- No.

WOMAN: ♪ Knew that there was something special ♪

♪ When I looked into your eyes ♪

♪ It was magic ♪

♪ Cant stop, cant stop ♪

♪ Baby, whatd you do to me ♪

♪ Feeling so in love ♪

♪ Ooh, you making me believe ♪

♪ Hope when we kiss, God ♪

♪ Youll wake me from this fantasy ♪

♪ From this fantasy ♪

♪ Cant stop ♪

♪ You know I cant stop, know I cant stop ♪

♪ You know I cant stop ♪

♪ Cant stop ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We cant stop ♪

- [screams] - Ah! What?

What are you doing here?

- Im on time according to the schedule

you made me make.

- Well, I didnt ask you to do anything, Inez.

No one made you do anything.

- Are you homeless?

- No, Im not homeless.

- Im sorry.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

what the hell are you doing in my office?

- Oh, my God, its Ken Burns.

- I go away for ten days with my crew,

and I come back, and I find this squatter

in my office.

- Your office?

- Mr. Burns, I am so sorry,

but I have to say, Im Billy Epstein.

Im a huge fan.

- I, too, am a huge fan of your work.

- Inez, dont talk to Ken Burns.

- Yes, sir.

I love "The Ken Burns Effect" so much.

- Get out.

- Get out! Did you hear Ken Burns?

He said get out. - Both of you.

- God damn it, Inez.

- You were right about sex and porn.

- Lets keep kosher.

Sex is something we enjoy together,

but porn should stay private.

- Privacy is good. Secrets are bad.

- Yeah. Hey.

I have a third dinner that I brought home from work.

Do you want to fuck again and then split it?

- Youre goddamn right I do.

- Thank you for helping me move the stuff out of my office,

well, Ken Burns office.

- Billy, how do you get caught sleeping in the office

of Americas most beloved documentarian?

I mean, you should know better than that.

- No, I shouldnt.

Youre the brother that knows better.

Garry, I know youre trying to put up a big front

about how much you like being single,

but I hear you snore-crying at night.

Be honest.

- I guess I just get embarrassed.

You know, you always say that I roll over

and eat shit and all that.

And I dont know, Im your older brother.

I want you to think Im cool.

- Garry, I am never going to think youre cool ever.

Ever.

So you can just let that go.

- I think I miss Rucchel.

- Yes! Yes!

Oh, thank God.

Yes, Garry, of course you miss Rucchel.

You and Rucchel belong together.

Youre like challah and a plate.

- Ha, ha.

- So youre gonna come with me tomorrow

to Rucchels poetry show at the cafe,

and you have to talk to her.

So what does Rucchel like that you do?

- She likes it when I dust off the front of the TV.

She thinks its funny cause it doesnt really do anything.

Shes like, "Youre just moving dust around."

What if I bring the TV in and dust it off in front of her?

I mean, its huge.

- All right, this is not a productive conversation.

[rock music]

Hey, thank you so much for doing this.

Garry will be here in a second.

- Which one is Rucchel?

- Shes the one whose resting face is somewhere

between a withering scowl and a suffering grimace.

- Im gonna need you to be a lot more specific.

- Shes right over there in the corner setting up the mic.

- You can do it, Mom. - I know.

Hi, Rucchel?

Im Dr. Marilyn Kessler.

Im a therapist and relationship expert.

I also testify in court on behalf of cases

involving mental illness, but this isnt

about my extensive résumé.

- What do you want?

- I understand you and your husband have separated,

and I can help you.

- I dont see how my marriage is any of your fucking business.

- Look, I have no personal investment in the situation.

Ive got a husband.

- Oh, excuse me? - Excuse me.

- Excuse me? - Excuse me.

- Excuse me? - Excuse me?

- Excuse me! - Excuse me.

- Excuse me? - Excuse me.

both: Excuse me.

- I think you heard me.

- Listen, you Bergdorf bitch.

The only reason Garry doesnt live with us anymore

is because he diminishes my accomplishments

and told me to back off in front of our children.

- He did what? - Yep.

- And after I graduated, did he ever lift

one of his fat hairy fingers to write me a note

or send flowers or say, "Mazel tov, Rucchel"?

- You graduated from a continuing education program,

and he didnt buy you flowers?

- Not even a fucking carnation.

- Oh, that piece of shit.

- Hello, ladies. - Here he is,

Garry the piece of shit.

- Oh, hello, Garry, you piece of shit.

I hope you came here to say something to your wife.

- I did.

Rucchel, please, please take me back.

I did something stupid.

And if you could tell me just how stupid

over and over and over for the rest of my life,

Id be the happiest schlimazel in all of Suffolk County.

- Rucchel, I want you to look in Garrys eyes,

and I want you tell him, "I want you back."

- Yeah, sure, come back. Whatever.

- My work is done.

- My poem is dedicated to my husband, Garry.

Hes stupid, but Im not gonna do any better.

Look at me.

A dybbuk, a dybbuk, a dybbuk, a dybbuk.

Oh, yes, I swear. I wouldnt fib-buk.

- Whats a dybbuk?

- Oh, its like a Jewish demon.

- Think Jill Zarin.

- You know, I met a Jewish once.

I was doing a production of "Fiddler,"

broke my ankle, and Im pretty sure the doctor was one.

- Shut the fuck up!

Dybbuk, dybbuk, dybbuk.

Thank you.

[applause]

- Congratulations, Mom.

You saved a marriage. Youre back in business.

- Its what I do.

By the way, Julie, I want to thank you very much

for helping my patients daughter, Inez.

I dont know what kind of advice you gave her,

but she is doing great.

- Really? - She sold a novel.

Its like a "Devil Wears Prada" kind of thing

about a job from hell.

Its got a cute title.

"Ginger and the Queen."

- Which one am I?

- Here you go, tapshoe.

- Oh, Arthur, Ive been meaning to tell you,

you might be hearing from Ken Burns,

and if you do, just ignore it.

Ken Burns, everyone knows is like a huge liar.

Yeah, he has a problem. He lies, so just...

- Hey.

Great job, Rucchel.

You can come back any time you want to do

more Jewish poems.

- Garry, Garry, look. Look who it is, look.

- Oh, my God.

Thundercock himself.

Blade Stallion, right? - Yeah.

- You have brought so much joy to our marriage.

- Oh, thank you.

- I could quote your movies.

But I wont, but I could.

But I wont.

But I could.

- My name is Marilyn Kessler,

and now, with no musical accompaniment,

Id like to sing "Send in the Clowns."

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪