Original subtitles

JULIE: Ah, Stonewall.

Judy Garland died.

The cops raided the place.

Gays, trans people, and drag queens

were in no mood to be fucked with

and began to riot.

- And thanks to their sacrifice,

I am now free to be out, proud,

and know at any given moment where all the power bottoms are

within a five-mile radius.

- Could you imagine waiting till Coming Out Day to come out,

even if you’ve known all year?

- I should really be true to myself,

but I’ll wait till October.

[muffled club music] BILLY: Whoa.

- Yeah, keep walking.

You wish you could have him.

- I hate Coming Out Day.

It’s hard enough for me to get gay guys to notice me.

Now I have to deal with a whole new graduating class.

- Is the top of that class always a top?

- And the competition around Coming Out Day is insane.

Everyone’s always looking to trade up

for one of the new ones.

Gay guys are like iPhones.

- Yeah, you can’t take ’em into the bathtub,

but you do because you’re bored.

- Oh, hey, whatever happened with that

"Ladies Who Love to Laugh" festival?

- They redacted me. - What the fuck?

- I know.

I’m not a girls’ girl?

Fuck those cunts.

- Oh, Coming Out Day celebrant at 12:00.

- I was so nervous. Thanks for understanding.

- Oh, my God.

That kid just came out to his father.

- I love you, Daddy.

[driving punk rock music]

- Different kind of daddy.

♪ ♪

- So you’re saying your roommate Pepper is...

- My girlfriend, yeah.

- We had no idea.

- No idea?

Thumb ring, asymmetrical haircut,

Fun Home sweatshirt,

didn’t raise any red flags?

- [sobbing] - Interesting.

I’ll be right back with your change, Lea DeLaria.

Hey, guys, Nate said that I can leave early

if one of you can take my shift.

- Guys? Really?

- No, no, no. That’s not what I meant.

You know what I meant.

- Listen to me, you entitled fucko,

with one comment on Candis Cayne’e Instagram,

I can bring you down faster than the second tower

on Dick Cheney’s command.

- Please don’t ruin my life with a hashtag.

I was just saying I--

- Check your privilege, faggot.

And I can say that because I was one.

BILLY: No, I just saying,

I have a party to go to in Hoboken tonight,

and I know it’s going to be a late night.

Here you go.

Coming Out Day customers never turn over their tables

because of stupid emotion-related loitering.

- God, is it Coming Out Day already?

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year

since I came out out of the closet.

- I’m sorry. - What?

- Oh, yeah; I came out one year ago today.

Packed my bindle, slipped on a pair of dungaree shorts,

told me wife Trish I was gay,

and hitched a ride to New York City.

Concrete jungle, where dreams are made of.

Sometimes I still think of Trish.

- Wait, what kind of party’s in Hoboken,

and why wasn’t I invited?

Oh, I think I know.

It starts with a "Tr" and ends with an "Ans."

- Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, don’t tell me.

I love these word jumbles.

Um... oh, God, Tricia’s always so much better at these.

Oh, trap cans. True pans.

Um, Toratio Sans!

God, if Tricia was here, she’d have got it like that.

She’s so smart. I should call her.

Should I call her? I can call her.

I can’t. Ah!

There’s no rules for this sort of thing.

Mm.

You know, I’m gonna call her.

- So what’s this party in Hoboken?

- I’m going to the grand opening of Kevin Smith’s Jorts Emporium.

He’s relaunching Bugle Boy jeans with his own unique denim.

It’s all awful. I have to go.

- Well, you’re gonna have to find someone from the outside

to cover you, because unlike 9/11,

this is not an inside job.

- Trish says it’s "trains."

- I’m waiting for you to thank me

for the haircut you’re about to get.

- Dear Mom, who art in heaven,

thank you for this free student haircut I am about to receive.

- I had to pay for parking.

Oh, look, Julie.

Oh, honey, we’re the only mother/daughter duo here.

It’s all girls and best friends their age.

- Why can’t girls my age like me?

I like animals. I eat cupcakes.

In the right lighting I kind of look like Amy Schumer.

- Julie, don’t appear desperate to make friends.

You’ll attract sickos.

I’m working with this woman who lost her daughter to a cult.

You know what you’re doing, right?

[rock music]

- Well, you get what you pay for.

- Now I’m gonna have to buy a hat, God damn it.

I hate hats.

I always want to look like Elaine Stritch,

but instead I look like an orthodox Jew.

- And this perm makes me look like Melanie Griffith

from the first hour of "Working Girl."

"I got a head for business,

and a bod for Cinnabons."

- [sighs]

Wait a minute.

Grace Kelly has a brunette sister.

Nice.

Even in crisis I maintain.

♪ ♪

- Oh, shit.

Did I forget your birthday again?

- Yes, last month, but this is for work.

Wiffle bat, did your hair expand?

- Yeah, I got a perm.

I know, I look like little orphan "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Ooh, cake.

- Yeah, well, guess what.

They decided that I would be the perfect person

to be put in charge of birthday party--

oh, no; oh, okay.

Well, I can just get a new one on the way in.

- Well, what’s done is done.

- I’ve been put in charge

of the office birthday parties this month,

which means that I’m the new PBS Joy Boy.

- Oh, my God. Congratulations.

This is a lot of stuff. - I know.

I was surprised when I saw the party budget.

PBS takes celebrations seriously.

And if this party goes well,

it might just be my chance

to sit at the Selfridge table for once.

- What’s the Selfridge table?

- The cool kids at work,

they all work on "Mr. Selfridge."

- Oh, right, the show that asks the pressing question

"What if Jeremy Piven worked in a department store in 1910?"

- So far the answer is "not much,"

but if I am superlative Joy Boy,

then I might just get a selfie with the Selfries.

- Right.

Well, can you please walk the dogs?

I have to put my face on and change.

- It’s after 7:00 p. m.

By this time you’re usually in your eating shirt,

winding down.

- I know, but Billy and I are going to that Kevin Smith

party in Hoboken, remember?

- Ah, you really will go out of your way

to do something ironically.

- What can I say?

I really hate Kevin Smith.

BILLY: Well, we’re on the right block of the party,

but we’re three hours early.

- Well, how the hell are we supposed to know

that the PATH train took ten minutes?

- Well, we’d know if we ever looked at the Hudson,

but that would just trigger memories

of Sully Sullenberger’s wife

saying they like to have hero sex.

- Look at this place, though.

It’s like a foreign country.

- I know. Industrial tubing.

Olives in bulk.

Helium tanks? Only in New Jersey.

- Only in New Jersey! - Hey, fuhgettaboutit!

- Whatsamatta you! - Oh, hey!

- [sniffs] Marinara.

[jazzy music]

- Wow, we’ve been in Hoboken, what, ten minutes?

We’ve already seen, like, 25 pictures of Frank Sinatra.

- I feel like at least 15 were Ronan Farrow.

- Hey, lady, try this soppressata.

- Hey, I’m no lady.

But I never say no to free meat in my mouth.

- [laughs]

- Atta girl. - Meat in your mouth.

That was good. - [gags]

"Get this meat out of my mouth."

And other things John Travolta’s never said.

[laughter]

- Wow, your "meat in your mouth" material is really killing here.

Not since gays with a GED discovered Whitney Cummings.

- You’re a riot.

- Yeah, you say what we want to think.

- Oh, thanks.

You’re so nice,

’cause usually I feel like other girls don’t get me.

- Fuck those cunts. - Yeah.

- That’s what I say.

I’m Julie. This is my friend Billy.

- Hey. - Hi.

I’m Joni. This is Rizzo.

And Therese. What are you guys up to?

- Oh, we’re just killing time before a bad party.

- Yeah, well, come to a gay bar down the street.

We’re meeting my fag brother.

- She can say it because he is.

- Wow, a gay bar in Jersey on Coming Out Day?

Finally a world Anthony Bourdain hasn’t explored.

- To our knowledge.

[club music]

- Well, there you have it.

New York or New Jersey, I am invisible in gay bars.

- Hey, "Grease Live," pay attention to my friend.

- Could we get the Coming Out Day drink special, I guess?

- The two-for-one is only for people who just came out.

Did you just come out? - Me?

Yeah, I just came out today.

- Hey, welcome to the tribe.

This round’s on me.

- Thank you.

Holy shit, did you see that?

- Yeah, I didn’t know Diesel still made that wash of denim.

- No, Julie, don’t you understand?

Nobody knows us here.

I could pretend that I just came out,

and then guys who are way out of my league

would start paying attention to me.

- So what are you waiting for?

- Um, everyone.

Uh, sorry to bother you,

I just wanted to make an announcement.

[gruff voice] Um, my name’s Billy,

and...

I just came out of the closet.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, and, um, furthermore,

this is my wife.

And...

I’m gonna leave her.

- But I’m okay with it!

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, your friend is so brave.

- I think my brother Joey likes your friend.

- That’s your brother? - Yeah.

- Hey.

- So by now I have no idea what’s going on.

There’s cocaine everywhere,

his dick’s in the cookie dough,

I don’t know where my mother is,

so I say to the dogs,

the joke’s on you:

I don’t have an asshole.

[laughter]

Ow!

- Julie, you are a character.

Nobody’s funnier than Italian girls.

- Nobody is funnier than Italian girls.

Like me.

- Hey, Billy.

This round’s on me. Come on.

- No, no, no, no, no.

This one’s on me.

ALL: Awww.

BOTH: We love New Jersey!

- Is it just me,

or did we have a great time

in New Jersey last night?

I’m on the phone. JULIE: I know.

Girls who don’t work at Sephora were talking to me.

- All I had to do last night

was show up straight and leave gay.

And a guy who would have ignored me asked me out.

I’ve never been with a guy that hot.

Should we go back tonight?

- Yeah, I want to go back tonight.

I’ll see you later.

BILLY: Great, bye.

- Noodles.

If I liked music, right about now I’d be singing the blues.

- Oh, did the Selfridge boys

not appreciate the party you threw?

- They barely noticed.

And I spared no expense.

Isabel was so moved she cried real tears,

which she hasn’t been able to do since the Challenger exploded.

- Well, it sounds like it went okay.

- Yeah, but the birthday budget I thought was for Isabel’s party

turned out to be for the entire year.

- Oh, babe, fuhgettaboutit.

- I cannot forget about it.

I have no money to spend,

I’m still not popular,

and tomorrow is Gabby’s birthday.

What am I supposed to do?

- Aw, babe-- [clank]

What the fuck is this?

- Lenny asked if we could store the helium tank

for this kid’s party tomorrow.

- Who’s Lenny?

- It’s our neighbor across the hall.

He hate him; you hate his kid.

- Oh, right; that kid that talks

to the dogs when I’m walking them,

and the dad that just stands there

because he assumes because I like dogs

I also think kids are cute.

Fuckin’ assholes.

- Anyway, his kid’s having a birthday party.

If you need me, I’ll be here in my misery chair.

- Wait a minute, those girls last night

were talking about this.

When your man’s upset, you make him a plate,

and you can’t do that, you...

Oh, shit, what’s that called?

You help him.

So, Lenny, what do you think?

- I guess there’s more room in your office conference room

for a birthday party,

but it’s Newton’s decision.

- Where’s your dogs?

- The dogs are sleeping next to the helium tank

that your daddy rented.

Was that from Hoboken, by the way?

Because we passed a place.

- It is, yeah. JULIE: Okay, cool.

- Can I get a batting cage?

- We’ll see what we can do with Jim Lehrer’s cubicle.

- And we can bring the clown that I paid for?

- Of course. - Yes.

- Yes? [gasps]

BOTH: Hey!

- All right, we’ll see you tomorrow.

- All right, great, can’t wait!

Thank you! Thanks, Lenny.

Thanks, Newton.

God, I still hate that fuckin’ kid.

So listen, this is great.

You don’t need to worry about the cost of party decorations

or cake or anything else.

- Aww.

You’re helping me.

- Please don’t ruin a moment

by acknowledging it.

- But how do we explain this to Gabby?

- Well, Gabby seems like one of those women

that likes children,

at least that’s how she dresses.

Just tell her it’s like a puppy party but with kids.

- What’s a puppy party?

- It’s when you pay for somebody to bring over cute things

for you to play with, but you don’t fuck ’em.

- Oh.

[disco music]

- Hey, Billy, thanks for coming back to Jersey.

So tell me about yourself.

- Well, uh, you know I’ve been straight for 35 years,

so I do straight guy things.

I mow the lawn.

I have a man cave.

I really like that song "Hotel California."

- Wow.

You must be completely oblivious about the gay culture.

I mean, you do realize that

gay men have way more in common

than just wanting to have sex with each other, right?

- Do we? - Absolutely.

This is an amazing opportunity for me to take you

through Gay 101.

- Is it? - Oh, yeah.

Buckle up for an extremely detailed tour

of LGBLT history,

from the ancient Greeks all the way to "Scream Queens."

- Yeah, uh, Joey, please.

I don’t know if we--

- That’s better.

- Yeah, I was gonna say,

"Please tell me about the heritage

our queer brothers and sisters."

- Look at these.

These are pride rings.

Really cool gay guys wear those.

- Yeah, they definitely look really cool.

- You can pretty much wear anything rainbow.

Oh, and Madonna: we’re not into her anymore.

It’s all about Demi Lovato.

- Hey, Joey.

Hey, I really appreciate this guided tour

through my new life as a homosexual,

but can’t we just go back to your place?

- Not before I give you this book.

Not many people know this about Stonewall.

The riots happened right after Princess Diana died,

so the gays were in no mood--

Billy.

Let me be honest.

I am super attracted to you.

I mean, this morning I was jerking off in the shower

thinking about you being straight so recently,

quoting "The Big Lebowski" and wearing cargo shorts.

- You know what was in the pockets of those cargo shorts?

Pizza flavored Combos.

- Oh, shit.

Listen, when we hook up,

it’s gonna be your first time with a man,

so I want to take it slow.

- Or not so slow.

- Do you know anything about Judy Garland and her daughters?

- I know she really fucking hot in "The Wizard of Oz."

When she was lying there at the end,

I was like, "I’ll get in that bed."

I don’t know about her daughters, though.

Where they hot too?

- Ah, never mind.

You’ve gotta be really gay for that stuff.

- I’ll fuck Auntie Em too.

[upbeat music]

JULIE: The first time I realized how different I felt

was when Rizzo had a purse party.

[indistinct chatter]

- I dated Angelo’s son.

Are you forgetting? Angelo, Jr.?

So that lunatic Paul, you know what he said to me?

- What did he say?

- He told me if he got me alone,

he’d bang my bus so hard,

I’d forget the recipe to my grandmother’s gravy.

- He what?

- I said, "Paul, shut your fucking mouth

"or I’ll kick you in the balls

until you forget your confirmation name."

[laughter]

- Ugh, I would have given him the Italian Piñata.

[all gasp]

JULIE: They had bad skin and too much makeup.

I mean, they didn’t look very good.

The designer purses were obviously stolen knockoffs,

and all they talked about were how guys hit on them

and how they’d kill anyone who ever crossed them.

I loved every minute of it.

- How much for the orange?

Because it’s really catching my eye.

- Where did you guys get these purses?

- Oh, they fell off a truck.

- You should take one for your mom.

Oh, Giuliana, look at you.

You fluffed your hair,

you borrowed my blouse.

You don’t look like a boy anymore.

- Hey, Giuliana, tell us a funny story.

We love to laugh.

- Uh, I could tell you a funny story

about my food and weight issues.

I mean, where’s my fucking head?

My Jewish neighbor’s food and weight issues.

[laughter]

- This ought to be good.

- Those fucking Jews!

[laughter]

- So one time I saw her--

I mean, him--

pour a whole thing of Windex

into a box of Krave cereal

just so he could stop eating it.

[laughter]

- You’re killing me!

- Tell us more stories about your dumb Jewish neighbor!

- You know what, can you just--

why don’t you do it in the car,

on the way to the Short Hills mall?

- We got to stop at the Cheesecake factory first,

make sure we have enough dairy inside of us

for shopping energy.

- I have found my corner of the sky.

- [sniffles]

And I feel like it’s my fault

my daughter joined that cult to begin with.

- Well, that’s just idiotic.

- Dr. Kessler!

- Oh, I’m sorry.

I just caught my reflection, and this beret is stupid.

Anyway, go ahead.

- Well, I want to save Becky from that cult.

- You know what?

I’m gonna just change my hat,

and then I’ll be able to concentrate.

♪ ♪

- Arthur, my king,

I made you a plate.

- Oh, well, thank you, Certs roll.

- Are you tan or just dirty?

- Oh, Mama.

Mama.

Madre.

Prego.

I got you a purse.

It’s the least I could do.

- Julie, what the fuck is going on?

- To paraphrase activist hairdresser Rachel Dolezal,

"Challenging the construct of ethnicity

is at the core of human consciousness."

In other words,

I identify as Italian.

[laughs] Oh, God.

It feels so good to come out.

- [gasps]

- Arthur, what is this birthday surprise?

- Well, I know how hard it’s been for you to adopt

as a single mother.

- What? Where did you hear about that?

- You’ve been sobbing about it at every Christmas party

for the last eight years.

- Fair enough.

- And I know how much you like children,

so have you heard of puppy parties?

- No.

I’m allergic to every animal but the frog.

- Well, feast your eyes on the latest offering

from the very same company.

- [gasps]

[cheerful music]

- Your turn.

- Oh, my God.

Arthur. - This party sucks.

- These kids are adorable.

This is the best birthday su--

[tense music]

Jesus fucking Christ!

Is that a clown?

Oh, my God! [screams]

- Uh, okay, uh...

- [screaming]

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

- I am so sorry, Gabby.

I didn’t know there would be a clown,

and I certainly didn’t know he would give chase.

- I’m going to have to up my therapy, Arthur.

I was finally down to 5 1/2 times a week, you know?

The half is a Skype session.

Never works the same.

- Please don’t fire me.

I need the income.

My girlfriend’s Italian now,

and she’s asking for money in inches.

- I’m not gonna fire you, Arthur.

But you will never again be planning

a PBS birthday celebration.

From now on, the only Joy Boy around here is going to be

the discreet massage wand I keep in my car.

I’m sorry.

Clown trauma has left with no ability to self-censor.

BILLY: You’ve really embraced this Italian thing.

JULIE: Well, New Jersey mall makeovers are clearly the best.

How’s Joey?

- Well, tonight better be my big night.

Only a guy as hot as Joey could put me through this rigmarole.

- That reminds me, I have to get Joni’s recipe

for her mother’s rigmarole.

- Oh, how did Marilyn handle the coming out?

- Not well.

She blanched like a spear of asparagus,

then she ran out of there like her bucatini

was about to overcook.

- Oh, well, someone’s thinking about food

even more than usual.

- No, that’s the thing.

It’s just that when I talk about it out here,

all the sudden I’m not a sad mess.

Everything that made me unacceptable as a New York Jew

is celebrated as a New Jersey Italian.

- Lying about who we are made us accept who we really are.

After we changed it.

- I wish we’d discovered New Jersey sooner.

WOMAN: I let a cult take my daughter away.

MARILYN: Have a tissue.

- Now I don’t have control over my daughter!

Oh, I try to make her feel guilty

and to impose my worldview on her,

but it doesn’t work anymore.

- Well, what would you have done differently

to avoid her slipping away?

- I’d have acted the moment I had a suspicion.

I’d throw a bag over her head

and toss her in the back of a van.

- Why don’t we use the rest of the session meditating.

- Okay.

- Do you still have the mantra I sold you?

- Oh, yeah.

- You know it expires at the end of the month.

Let yourself out.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

- Selfries.

- Hey, Tack.

- It’s Arthur. Tack is my last name.

- We’re calling you by your last night now

because we think you’re cool.

- The Selfries think I’m cool?

- What’s cooler than hiring a clown to chase

our boss around the office?

- I can’t fucking think of anything.

- We should text Piven.

- We should totally text Piven.

- See you at lunch, Tack.

We’ll save you a seat.

- Excuse me. - Marilyn?

What’s wrong? Is it about Julie?

- No, Arthur.

I thought it’d be a good time

to talk about the myth of the gluten-free diet.

Yes, it’s about Julie.

We have to rescue her before we lose her

to this Italian thing forever.

- Marilyn, relax.

It’s just a phase.

It’s like when she pretended to like hip-hop.

Or tried to stop eating Chinese food.

- Oh, it was a brutal afternoon.

Look, she texted me her address in Hoboken,

but then she also added "Ciao Bella."

Oh, I have to say I do like how friendly Italian Julie is.

- Well, maybe this isn’t the worse thing

that she could become.

- Arthur, you are a WASP with a drinking problem.

I’m a Jew with the metabolism of a 25-year-old.

We have nothing in common except Julie.

And we risk losing her to something

that’s had a pull on mankind way longer than even makes sense.

If we don’t act now, we could lose Julie to...

- To what?

- Catholicism.

- Let’s get our girl.

- How do we get to Hoboken?

Ferry?

- We’ll take an Uber.

- Hey, Arthur.

Thanks again for lending us your conference room.

Newton got a real kick out of that crying woman.

- You need a hand with that thing?

- No, I’m all right.

We just got to bring it down to my van,

and then we’re gonna return it to Hoboken.

- Hoboken?

- Fortune is smiling upon us, Marilyn.

You have room in that van for two more?

- Sure. - Thanks.

- Excuse me. Manners.

[laughter]

JULIE: No girlfriends have ever thrown me a dinner before.

- I fucking love your guts.

- Oh, Giuliana, you’re such a girls’ girl.

- Really? - Yeah, we’re sisters, bitch.

Now let’s get so shit-faced

we forget the designation assigned to each saint!

[laughter]

- Yo, Vito! - Vito!

- Turn on the music!

[Sinatra’s "New York, New York" playing]

- Hey, I know we’re trying to take it slow,

but this recently out bro is really ready to go all the way.

- Tonight’s the night. - You serious?

- Yeah, I’m serious as that Larry Kramer play,

"The Normal Brain."

So you want to head back to my place?

- Yeah, but... I’m scared.

- That’s so hot.

♪ ♪

- Oh, I friggin’ love this song.

- Think it may even be my favorite Frank Sinatra song

of all time.

BOTH: I always thought of it as more of a Liza Minnelli song.

[music stops]

- Liza Minnelli?

How do you know about her?

You’re not recently out.

- And you’re not really Italian.

- Oh, I fuckin’ hate fakers.

You lied to my brother?

- You lied to my sister?

Do you know what we do to fakers?

MARILYN : There she is!

Come on, come on. Let’s go!

- This isn’t a helium tank place.

- Who the hell are you?

- Holy shit, it’s an Italian weirdo

with helium, a bat, and a bag.

- They’re gonna give her the Italian piñata.

- Send my regard to Lorraine Bracco

and her affordable wines.

- Come on, Lenny.

You’re going there anyway.

Just give us a ride home in the van.

- I don’t want Newtown caught up in any more of your lies.

- "PAITHE"? What is that? An acronym?

- It’s pronounced "path."

- We’ll get back to Manhattan when, tomorrow early afternoon?

BILLY: Good-bye, New Jersey.

Thanks for giving me a boyfriend

that’s out of my league

and balls as blue as Bruce Springsteen’s denim.

- Good-bye, New Jersey.

Thanks for letting me feel like a girls’ girl,

just for a minute.

And for your cannolis.

- Oh, Ottoman, don’t cry.

- And the confectioner’s sugar!

[sobbing]

MAN: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪