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1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:05,169
[driving punk rock music]
2
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:06,373
[indistinct chatter]
3
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,444
(man)
Where'd you get that?
4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,182
Have you ever seen
people laugh less
5
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,108
than comedians
at a comedy party?
6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,253
Ugh, I know, right?
7
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,417
[indistinct chatter]
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,186
Oh, Carl retweeted my joke
9
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,285
about how Miles Teller
looks exactly like K.D. Lang.
10
00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,087
- How is Carl?
- He's supersweet.
11
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,159
- But he's almost too sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
12
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,157
Sometimes, I just think
I want a guy to come up to me
13
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,359
and be like, "Hey,"
and then within five minutes,
14
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:30,031
we're just videotaping
ourselves having sex
15
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,571
for some James Franco
art project.
16
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,065
Maybe you just
don't want a boyfriend.
17
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,397
Well, at least
not one so kind.
18
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,202
The only kind of kind I like
is Richard Kind.
19
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,444
Oh, God, I would love
to fuck Richard Kind.
20
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,609
[laughs]
21
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,207
I just want Carl
to be a little meaner.
22
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,479
Mean people are the ones
you remember.
23
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,376
Like, on my recaps,
the only commenter
24
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,318
I ever remember
is this HappyHour37.
25
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:50,075
She posts the nastiest stuff
about me every day.
26
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:51,454
Like, what does she do?
Just attack your writing?
27
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,492
She used to, but now
it's gotten personal.
28
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:54,657
She found out
what I look like,
29
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,285
and she started
calling me Fat Reba.
30
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,430
[glass shatters]
31
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:58,625
[laughter,
indistinct chatter]
32
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,256
Who invited Frank Zappa?
33
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,431
That's Sonny Kilburg.
34
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:04,569
He hosts this podcast
called The Godless Podcast.
35
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,295
You know what? The NSA
needs to shut down iTunes.
36
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,441
Hey, Sonny, Julie Kessler,
Billy Epstein.
37
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,068
- Hey.
- We're big fans.
38
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,443
- How are you doing?
- I'm shitty.
39
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,341
My guest just dropped out
for tomorrow morning.
40
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,513
Wow, well, it sounds like
you're asking us to fill in.
41
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,281
And we would love to.
42
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,180
- Well, thank you for asking.
- All right. Okay.
43
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,482
Well, guys, the podcast is
for comedians who are atheists.
44
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,524
So I don't even know
if you guys are comedians.
45
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,419
Yes, we are
very much comedians.
46
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,091
And we are very much
atheists.
47
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,520
I mean, we think people
that do believe in God
48
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,564
are huge dumb-dumbs.
49
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,389
Yeah, if God exists,
50
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,464
then why isn't Mo'Nique
one of the new Ghostbusters?
51
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,573
(Julie)
And what kind of God
52
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,495
would've taken away
my mother's legs?
53
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,241
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
54
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:43,666
- Your mom lost her legs?
- She lost her legs.
55
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,641
(Billy)
One of them is cut off
right at the hip,
56
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,639
and the other is pretty much
capri length.
57
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,249
See you tomorrow?
58
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:56,346
[driving punk rock music]
59
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,250
Hey, guys.
60
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,522
I'm here with atheist comics,
Julie Kessler and Billy Epstein.
61
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:04,632
You're gay; you're
a redheaded, brassy broad.
62
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,155
Tell me why.
63
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,530
Well, we're like
Will and Grace
64
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,298
if one were a six
and the other were a seven.
65
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,697
Yeah, or like Bette Midler
and Bruce Vilanch
66
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,398
if they were broader.
67
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,540
- If you had to choose...
- Mm-hmm.
68
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,335
Lisa Rinna or Hitler?
69
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:17,537
- Hitler.
- Hitler.
70
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,408
Okay.
Now, guys, I hate God.
71
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,277
Drives me crazy.
What gets you going?
72
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,605
(Billy)
I hate people in the
business who are like,
73
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,280
"Oh, you're so great,
74
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,148
but we don't know
what to do with you."
75
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,417
I'm like, "Oh, you don't know
what to do with me,
76
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,475
"but you figured out
Peter Dinklage?
77
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,152
Fuck you."
78
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,191
Have you ever met
a girl that's like...
79
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,445
Yes. Ugh.
80
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,263
"Do you know what's
crazy about me?
81
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,255
I, a normal-size woman,
would fuck Peter Dinklage."
82
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,528
(Billy)
Isn't that amazing?
83
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,326
Someone give me
a Kennedy Center honor.
84
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,558
[laughing]
85
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,232
(Sonny)
Man, you guys were hilarious.
86
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,602
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
87
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,299
How come you don't have
your own podcast?
88
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,441
Well, we did years ago,
89
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:49,666
but we couldn't get
an audience.
90
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,310
Yeah, we may as well
have been on NBC.
91
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,505
Hi-ho.
92
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,166
Well, you know,
things have changed.
93
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,505
I mean, if you get
on a podcast network,
94
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,449
podcast can lead
to a book deal,
95
00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:59,475
which can lead
to a basic cable holding deal,
96
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,480
which can lead to Hulu,
which leads to Amazon,
97
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,382
which leads
to a Golden Globe speech
98
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:04,794
where you're thanking
the trans community.
99
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:05,785
I like all those things.
100
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:07,186
Except Amazon.
101
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:08,458
They gave Woody Allen
a show,
102
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,586
and they wouldn't take
my humidifier back.
103
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,631
Well, if you guys
do a new podcast,
104
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,325
I'll put it on my network.
105
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,527
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
106
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:15,698
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
107
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,266
We're gonna have
a podcast again.
108
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:18,465
And you're
the funniest atheists
109
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:19,596
I've had in here
since Penn Jillette.
110
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,670
- Thank you.
- Fuck you.
111
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,738
We have fun.
112
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,495
Then let's celebrate.
113
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,414
I'm going to a bar
where podcasters hang out.
114
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,606
- Oh, wow!
- Ooh.
115
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,637
That sounds pretty crazy.
116
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,482
Oh, trivia night's insane.
117
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,478
Sarah Koenig wore shorts
with tights one time.
118
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:37,321
[rock music]
119
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,648
(Julie)
Babies.
120
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,622
So what are we going
wear to the podcast bar?
121
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,421
Oh, Julie, we could wear
an adult diaper
122
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,634
and a Kevin Smith hockey jersey
123
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,655
and still be
the coolest ones there.
124
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,230
Are you going to bring Carl?
125
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,759
Ugh, I don't know.
126
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,673
I liked him better when he was
just a stranger with a big dick.
127
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,366
Now he's a nice person.
128
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,769
Okay.
129
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,440
More importantly, podcast.
130
00:03:58,539 --> 00:03:59,709
How are we going
to afford equipment?
131
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,807
I bet my mom
still has those mics.
132
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:05,309
Do you remember last year when
she did that that hypnosis CD?
133
00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,753
Oh, my God,
how could I forget?
134
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,477
She was so upset when Starbucks
refused to carry it.
135
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,522
I know,
and the last five tracks
136
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,417
were of her singing standards.
137
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,857
(Floy)
Who am I?
138
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,685
I am nothing
without my husband.
139
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,391
(Floy)
I am nobody alone.
140
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:21,864
(Hazel)
Divorce.
141
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,262
(Floy)
Divorce.
142
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,674
The vorce.
143
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,835
May the vorce
be with him?
144
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,296
Mom, what's going on?
145
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,414
Honey, I am working.
146
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,676
Ladies, continue.
147
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,375
I started this drama therapy
group for divorced women
148
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,348
to come together
to empower themselves
149
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,277
through theater exercises.
150
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,682
Floy and Hazel are the only
people that haven't dropped out.
151
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,724
Floy, bring it down.
152
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,559
These are real people.
153
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,415
(Julie)
So now you guys
are putting on a play?
154
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,333
Do you know how much money
Menopause The Musical
155
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,325
has made in this
godforsaken country?
156
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,897
Listen, I just came
to borrow your microphones.
157
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,395
We'll talk about it
after we finish act four.
158
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:58,698
Good.
159
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,529
Hazel, I'm feeling
something, finally.
160
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,744
Hey, what's up?
161
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,695
Get off the phone, Billy.
162
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,774
I'm so sorry to ask,
but I'm stuck at my mom's.
163
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,483
Could you please pick up
164
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,435
Senator Jellybeans and Greg
from the groomer?
165
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,643
Julie,
we have an understanding.
166
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,414
You don't ask me
to deal with your dogs.
167
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,613
I know, and you don't ask me
to go to the gym.
168
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:14,854
And I appreciate
those boundaries,
169
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:15,848
but I'm really in a pinch.
170
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,449
It's freezing.
171
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:18,651
Where am I supposed
to take your dogs?
172
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:19,722
Can you take them
to that indoor dog run
173
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:20,790
on Delancey?
174
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:21,858
Get off the phone, Billy.
175
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,455
All right. Fine.
176
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,857
No problem.
Actually, it's good.
177
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,588
It'll get me away from Matthew
and his boyfriend.
178
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:27,804
You should see
what's happening here.
179
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,495
It's like Russian nesting dolls
180
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:31,927
covered in fur, liver spots,
and smegma.
181
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,772
Barry, can we do
Rent again tonight?
182
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,398
We can sing Light My Candle
183
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,344
and order from that
mush place you like.
184
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,840
- Who's my baby?
- We are.
185
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,641
[both smooching]
186
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,383
It's the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen.
187
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,548
I'll talk to you later.
188
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,476
(Denise)
Matthew,
what have I told you
189
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,951
about bringing your dog
into the café?
190
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,649
- That I'm...
- You're...
191
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,891
(both)
The only one
allowed to do it.
192
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:56,716
Oh, Matthew,
I appreciate you.
193
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,964
Billy, table nine
needs their check.
194
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:02,399
* I'm just wild about Barry
195
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:05,626
(both)
* And Barry's wild about me
196
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:06,673
Take it, Denise.
197
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,437
* He's just wild about
198
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:09,896
* Cannot do without
199
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,513
(all)
* He's just wild about me
200
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,907
Up here. I'm up here.
201
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:18,678
(all)
* Me
202
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,909
What the fuck
is going on here?
203
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,884
(all)
* Me
204
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,453
[driving rock music]
205
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,994
(Billy)
Hey, dogs.
Here we are at the dog park.
206
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,689
Oh, look.
Other dogs like you.
207
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:31,891
What a thrill.
208
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,732
Oh, well,
oh, that one got out.
209
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,527
That's too bad.
All right.
210
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,399
(Billy)
Oh, yep.
Have fun.
211
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:41,399
(man over PA)
Welcome to the Delancey
indoor dog park.
212
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,802
Please clean up after your pet.
213
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,624
[dog barks]
214
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,745
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
215
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,690
I know this is crazy.
We just met.
216
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:03,487
But I was wondering if you--
I don't know--
217
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,491
wanted to jerk off together
behind this building?
218
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,833
Yeah. I would do that.
219
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,427
Great.
220
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,701
Very good.
221
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,099
Let's reconvene in ten
for notes.
222
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,200
I have plenty.
223
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,743
(Julie)
So, mom, about those
microphones for my new podcast.
224
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,110
I have to ask the housekeeper
to dig them up,
225
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,609
and I don't like talking to her.
226
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,111
(Julie)
But I want to start
a podcast.
227
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,682
If I don't get them from you,
228
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,480
what am I supposed to do,
buy them used?
229
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,852
No. Of course not.
230
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,220
Anything used
is crawling with bedbugs.
231
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:33,819
You know they found them
on the 7 train?
232
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:36,521
And the South Street Seaport
Abercrombie.
233
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,864
Well, that was an act of God.
234
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,128
[laughs]
Oh, fine.
235
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,127
But in exchange,
will you do me a favor
236
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,599
and come to see my play?
237
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,227
Um...
238
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,172
Now, isn't that interesting
239
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,497
that you cannot be supportive
when it's my time to shine?
240
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,143
I try to be supportive
of you...
241
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,208
You know how many times
I've come to see your shows?
242
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,706
That's true,
and I appreciate that.
243
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,208
You know how long
I have worked on this?
244
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,749
Fine. Yes. I'll be there.
245
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,245
- I'm sorry.
- Wonderful.
246
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,876
Please, distribute these
to all your showbiz friends.
247
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,752
Esmeralda!
248
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:07,151
Micrófonos!
249
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:10,724
[dog barks]
250
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,834
That was really hot.
251
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:12,925
We should do that again
tomorrow.
252
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,756
I am definitely
up for that.
253
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,632
Excuse me.
254
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:17,900
Are these your basset hounds?
255
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,268
While you were gone,
they attacked me.
256
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,696
What are you talking about?
257
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:21,841
You can't just leave
aggressive dogs
258
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:22,935
unattended, dummy.
259
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,566
- Asshole.
- I'm so sorry.
260
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,642
Who's gonna pay
for the doctor?
261
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,639
I can't afford this.
262
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:27,810
It was my idea to leave.
263
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:28,938
I'll pay for your doctors.
264
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,582
No. It's my responsibility.
265
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:31,778
Here, take everything I have.
266
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,509
I am so sorry.
267
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,224
(Billy)
Oh, my God.
You're bleeding.
268
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:36,975
[rock music]
269
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,654
I just can't believe
they bit somebody.
270
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,523
They've never bitten
anyone before.
271
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,792
I know. I know.
272
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:43,860
I was a little distracted
at the time,
273
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,527
but I'm so sorry.
274
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,926
- I feel terrible.
- It's okay.
275
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,798
Oh, my God.
276
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:54,597
HappyHour37 just called me
Kathy Griffin with less jokes.
277
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,542
Julie, put your phone down and
look at these mutant podcasters.
278
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:00,538
[driving rock music]
279
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:08,021
*
280
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,215
Oh, Julie, Billy!
281
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,847
(Sonny)
Oh, man, I'm glad
you guys came.
282
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,693
I've been telling everybody
about you.
283
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:15,958
They cannot wait to meet you.
284
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,626
- Oh, awesome. Thank you.
- Oh, great.
285
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:19,685
- This is Arthur.
- Hey, man.
286
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,033
(Julie)
And we're just waiting
on Billy's date, Carl.
287
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,959
No, we're not. I told him
I had food poisoning.
288
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,004
He's too nice.
289
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,598
Good one, man. Good one.
290
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,000
Why not lie?
291
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,741
Because there's no heaven
and there's no hell.
292
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,737
Yeah, because guess what.
293
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,809
Punch line here.
294
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,777
(both)
There's no God!
295
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,036
Yeah.
296
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,684
- There we go.
[laughter]
297
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,980
Pushpin, what's going on?
298
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,581
Hey.
These them?
299
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:43,853
Yep, this is Billy,
and this is Julie.
300
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,621
- How you doing?
- And this is Jenny Miller.
301
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:47,349
(Sonny)
She hosts a quiz podcast
302
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:48,964
called No, No, Take It Back.
303
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,916
And this is Brett Glass.
304
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,664
No relation to Ira.
305
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,360
[laughter]
306
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,661
(Sonny)
He hosts a podcast
called Bros Dissing Shows.
307
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,004
(Brett)
My three brothers and I,
308
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,698
we go to bad theater
ironically and rip them apart.
309
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,871
Well, here is
your next episode.
310
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,070
My mother directed a play.
311
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,972
(Julie)
Seriously?
It's your funeral.
312
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,084
Oh, no.
313
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,705
- What's wrong?
- I have to go.
314
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,310
That's Angela Peasley
from NPR.
315
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:15,051
Arthur, the whole NPR/PBS
rivalry is in your head.
316
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,078
Don't mock, tambourine.
We really hate each other.
317
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,994
(Sonny)
I'm with you, Artie.
318
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,016
Those NPR folks think they're
better than everybody else
319
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,691
just because their shows
get millions of downloads?
320
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:24,931
[scoffs]
Please.
321
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,955
Seriously, like,
millions of downloads?
322
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,630
Oh, multiple millions.
323
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,030
- Let's get a round of drinks.
- Yeah.
324
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,671
Let's get our fucking
asses on NPR.
325
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,809
(Billy)
Angela, how crazy is it
that we met tonight,
326
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:38,935
don't you think?
327
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,769
We are NPR people.
328
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:41,984
- Do you understand?
- All the way.
329
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,375
(Billy)
We like crossword puzzles.
330
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,247
Beans in bulk,
331
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,376
a cardigan sweater
that you put in the wash once
332
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,951
and it already starts to pill.
333
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,290
Yeah, a cat that sleeps
on your face.
334
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,945
(Julie)
Um, um...
335
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,994
- Tom's of Maine.
- Books.
336
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,729
(Billy)
Oh!
337
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:58,885
Books.
338
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,262
We love books.
339
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,700
- We love books.
- You have no idea.
340
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:02,995
I love books too.
341
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,896
I love books so much,
Angela,
342
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,768
I have tote bags at home,
343
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,337
and they just say funny things
about books,
344
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:09,835
like, "Leave me alone.
I'm reading."
345
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,297
(Billy)
Yes, yes, yes, and,
346
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,744
"Give me of book and a cat
on a rainy day,
347
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:13,810
and, boy, am I in heaven."
348
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:14,877
- Aw.
[laughter]
349
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:18,875
Public radio, ooh.
350
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,809
Oh, my God, poem books--
love those!
351
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,284
Ogden Nash.
352
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,022
- Nash Bridges.
- What is your podcast about?
353
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,817
(both)
Books.
354
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,389
But I thought you said
your show is about atheism.
355
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:28,717
Atheism and books.
356
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,022
Mostly books.
357
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,763
(Arthur)
What you have
to understand
358
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,029
is that the rivalry
between PBS and NPR
359
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,997
goes back hundreds of years
360
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,966
if not thousands,
and I could just--
361
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:42,035
You should be a guest
on our podcast about books.
362
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,765
- Yes.
- We can interview you.
363
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,911
- You have to.
- That is very flattering.
364
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:49,006
I mean, no one asks the curator
of a podcast network
365
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,379
to be the guest on a podcast.
366
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:51,777
- Why?
- That is fucked up.
367
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,109
What?
368
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,753
You are clearly podcast
guest material.
369
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,018
It's written all over
your clothes
370
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,416
and your hair
and your shoes.
371
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:04,060
[punk rock music]
372
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,327
(Julie)
I'm worried we still don't
have enough books.
373
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,496
The apartment needs
to look more NPR-y.
374
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,925
Well, Angela's not
coming over
375
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,770
for her interview
until tomorrow.
376
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,825
We have time to get
more dusty crap by then.
377
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:14,904
You think so?
378
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,942
[electronic beeping]
379
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,408
Ugh, it's Sonny
calling again.
380
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,006
You think he knows
we're shopping around
381
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,408
for a new podcast network?
382
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,479
I don't know what
podcasters can intuit.
383
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,107
I'll just keep dodging his calls
until we get on NPR.
384
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,954
I am back from the bookstore,
lozenge.
385
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,079
[gasps]
Thank you, Arthur.
386
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,454
Oh, my God, these books
look amazing.
387
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,993
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
388
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,358
Oh, these are definitely
going to make us
389
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,126
look like serious readers.
390
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,385
Yes, just let it be known
that I disapprove of your
391
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,803
redecorating the apartment
to appease the enemy, NPR.
392
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,427
I appreciate your sacrifice.
393
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,802
You're welcome, spinach.
394
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,371
(Billy)
Any more from
your Internet stalker?
395
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,499
Any nasty comments?
396
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,143
Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.
397
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,809
That troll found my private
Facebook page this morning
398
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,538
and wrote the word "anus"
on every one of my photos.
399
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,484
Oh, I think
she's flirting with you.
400
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,879
I dared her to say
whatever she had to say to me
401
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,082
to my face
and meet up in person.
402
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,524
I don't know if she lives
in New York or wherever.
403
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,118
You know what's gonna happen.
404
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,990
It's gonna end up like
every sitcom ever.
405
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,819
You mean she's going to end up
being an obese shut-in
406
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,534
or Nev from Catfish?
407
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,155
Yeah, or it's going to end up
being like a child or something.
408
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,561
Oh, right. Right.
409
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,002
You know, your bully
is going to end up being
410
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,197
more of a bigger loser
than you are.
411
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,828
You're going to feel bad.
412
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,003
Then you'll want
to bond with them.
413
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,841
Oh, my God, Billy.
She wrote back.
414
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,407
DM from HappyHour37.
415
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,165
She wants to meet me
at a restaurant in Midtown.
416
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,544
Whoa.
417
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,541
She says, "Restaurants
serve food,
418
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,183
so you'll be happy,
ginger piggy."
419
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,510
Oh, you know,
that's how my dad
420
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,154
asked my mom out
on their first date.
421
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,149
Oh, really?
422
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,150
[upbeat rock music]
423
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:48,163
*
424
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,035
Call me HappyHour37.
425
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,165
Kathie Lee Gifford?
426
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,041
There's no way
you're not pranking me.
427
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,440
Pranks aren't my thing.
428
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,141
You're thinking
of Kelly Ripa.
429
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:06,383
But why would anybody
as famous and successful as you
430
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,179
start an anonymous
commenter account
431
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,181
just to trash some nobody?
432
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,023
Well, not just any nobody.
433
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:16,419
Julie, you represent
the absolute worst
434
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,993
in an audience member.
435
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,531
The only reason
that you watch television
436
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,857
or go to the movies or,
when you can afford it,
437
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:26,103
the theater is so
you can tear it down.
438
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,569
No. That's not true.
439
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,397
I want things to be good.
440
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:30,642
People have been
making fun of me
441
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,867
since before
the Internet existed.
442
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,414
I know people like you.
443
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,608
You just want to be funny,
don't you?
444
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,980
But you can't be funny,
can you?
445
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,880
Unless you rag on somebody.
446
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,453
Aim higher.
447
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,592
I feel like after this,
you're just going to disappear
448
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,987
into glitter
and leave me here.
449
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,620
Well, I do have tickets
for Mamma Mia!, but--
450
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:52,894
Oh.
451
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,133
But before I go,
452
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,627
I want to leave you
with a challenge.
453
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,558
Anything, Kathie Lee Gifford.
454
00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:01,534
Be the kind of audience member
who has an open heart.
455
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:05,614
"Intend to enjoy
and judge nothing,"
456
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,165
as Goldie Hawn once said.
457
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,444
And then she turned around
and made Housesitter.
458
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,912
See, there you go.
459
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,651
You just can't help yourself,
can you?
460
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,045
You're right. I'm sorry.
461
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,448
I'm gonna carry this advice
into my new podcast as well.
462
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,491
Thank you for meeting me.
463
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,057
You're welcome.
464
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,485
I'll see you on the Internet,
Fat Reba.
465
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,091
[Kathie laughs]
466
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,633
Oh, there is one last thing
I want you to know.
467
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,628
God loves you.
468
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,630
Even you.
469
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,205
[funky music]
470
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:44,035
*
471
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,614
Billy.
472
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,282
Fancy running
into you here.
473
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,020
Carl, what's happening?
474
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,217
Doing some shopping, I see.
475
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,188
Guilty. How's your stomach?
476
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,256
Is it feeling better
than the other night?
477
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,285
Oh, yeah. Yes. It is.
478
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,230
Oh, my God, food poisoning
is the worst.
479
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,556
Oh, you've got
to stop eating takeout.
480
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,100
I know.
481
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,625
Hey, why don't you come
over some night this week?
482
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,000
- I'll cook you dinner.
- Maybe.
483
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,728
For sure. I am so sorry.
I got to go.
484
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,103
Oh, don't be sorry.
You go do you.
485
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,242
Okay.
486
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:18,181
[rock music]
487
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:20,278
What's going on?
488
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,510
- Is this your dog?
- It bit me.
489
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:23,084
(man)
Me too.
490
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,653
You can't just leave
an aggressive dog unattended.
491
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,221
Where were you, dummy?
492
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,649
(man)
Who's gonna pay
for this, huh?
493
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,264
Is this a scam?
494
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,016
A scam? Oh, man.
495
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,534
I mean, if coming
to a dog park
496
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:36,026
to take advantage
of sad, lonely gay guys
497
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,629
with the offer
of mutual jerking off
498
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,670
and then having
your a cappella group
499
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,696
extort as much money as possible
from them is a scam,
500
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,672
then maybe, but I wouldn't
use that word.
501
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,172
You're telling me
I blew off a nice guy for,
502
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,544
what, a prostitute?
503
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,011
- Hey.
- That's what you are.
504
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,680
You're a prostitute
except with more steps.
505
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,208
Hey, hey, don't give
them your money.
506
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:54,213
It's a scam.
507
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,784
- Billy?
- Matthew?
508
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,293
Please, please, please,
don't tell Barry.
509
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,085
He can't take the stress.
510
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,347
- He's so close to death.
- Are you kidding me?
511
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,024
You jerked off Matthew?
512
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,023
You two know each other?
This city...
513
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:09,295
It takes a real creep to spoil
some innocent, public jerk-off.
514
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,296
Everyone who does a cappella
is a sick pervert.
515
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:15,169
(Julie)
I knew my dogs wouldn't
have bitten three strangers.
516
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,298
Their assholes.
They're not monsters.
517
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,714
I don't think
you're paying attention
518
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,265
to the right parts
of the story.
519
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,113
I'm sorry that
your sexy stranger
520
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,179
turned out to be a con man
who hooked up with Matthew.
521
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,178
- [sighs]
- But look on the bright side.
522
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,720
You got a second chance
with a nice guy.
523
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,645
- Hi.
- Hey.
524
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,220
So glad this
worked out.
525
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,589
Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
526
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,686
So what play
are we seeing?
527
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,188
Oh, my God.
Okay, so--
528
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,360
No. I made a promise
to Kathie Lee Gifford.
529
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:43,130
Let's watch it
with an open mind.
530
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,330
Love that.
531
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:48,341
[jazzy instrumental music]
532
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,795
I am alone.
533
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,313
I am unloved.
534
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,765
My husband is gone.
535
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,083
Uh-oh.
536
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:59,206
I never would have gotten
through this without you.
537
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:03,182
You are the most
brilliant person alive.
538
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,353
I'm just a woman.
539
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,222
I'm an extraordinary woman.
540
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:12,431
* I've helped
so many women *
541
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,085
* Just by being
an example *
542
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,325
[gentle piano music]
543
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:19,399
* Whenever you are hurting
544
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,269
* Think of me
545
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,669
* Me
546
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,241
[whispers] Me.
547
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,309
*
548
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,278
[scattered applause]
549
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,645
Well, I'll say this.
550
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,420
It was long,
but in her defense,
551
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,789
it was also
very, very slow.
552
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,318
Thank you for coming.
553
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,193
Thank you. Hello.
554
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,362
Thank you.
555
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,659
What did you think?
556
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,674
You hated it.
557
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:53,825
For what it's worth,
558
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,403
it looked like it was
really hard to do,
559
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,472
so good job, Mom.
560
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,840
Yeah. It was.
561
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,375
Oh, there's my doorman.
562
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,907
Oh, of course.
563
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,752
- Remind me--
- Hey, Julie, Billy.
564
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,217
Oh, my God, Sonny.
What are you doing here?
565
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:12,417
Oh, I called you a bunch of
times and told you I was coming.
566
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,719
- You never called back.
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
567
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,691
I was beginning to think
you were gonna blow me off
568
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,459
the way you
blew off that loser
569
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,328
that you didn't want
to go out with
570
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:21,787
so you pretended
to have food poisoning.
571
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,164
[Sonny laughs]
572
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,163
You know what, Billy?
573
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,435
Go fuck yourself.
574
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,295
Hey, before I go,
can I meet your mom?
575
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,403
Why?
576
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,944
I mean, a shrink
who directs, writes,
577
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:33,939
and has no legs?
578
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,440
Oh, my no God,
579
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,312
introduce me
to that woman.
580
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,480
Did I hear compliments?
581
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:39,778
Hello.
582
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,249
I'm Julie's mom.
583
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,318
You have legs.
584
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,946
Fresh.
585
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,291
- Oh, dear God, help us.
- We're going to hell.
586
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,517
I knew you weren't
atheists either.
587
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,332
You can go fuck yourselves.
588
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:55,725
Oh, it's so great
having fans.
589
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,328
Oh, there's Floy.
590
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,470
Oh, that poor thing.
She's had such a tough year.
591
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,867
Her husband left her,
and then she got bedbugs.
592
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,339
- What?
- Yeah.
593
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,867
She brought home
a microwave cookbook,
594
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,542
and inside were bedbugs.
595
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,210
She bought it from that used
book store on Seventh Avenue.
596
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,480
Oh, my God.
597
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:12,878
Arthur just brought home,
598
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,749
like, a ton of books
from that place.
599
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:17,317
Bedbugs lay eggs in books.
600
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,517
They what?
601
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:19,888
All right, you got
to go home right now
602
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,416
and get rid of them.
603
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,921
- Got to burn everything.
- Got to burn it.
604
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,793
And now for my Q&A.
605
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,802
[driving rock music]
606
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,755
*
607
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,904
Ah, nothing like
a book burning at night.
608
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,440
I'm glad we got
a bedbug scare.
609
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:38,907
And you know what?
610
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,905
I'm glad our backup plans
fell through.
611
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,907
That's right, and we're not
backup plan people.
612
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,439
Exactly.
613
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,914
You'll find somebody
hotter than dog run guy,
614
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:48,423
sweeter than Carl.
615
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:50,245
Yeah, and who needs
Sonny Kilburg
616
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,850
and his atheist
podcast anyway?
617
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,491
Yeah.
618
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,516
- And you know what?
- What?
619
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,921
Here's the best part.
620
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:57,962
We are going to be
621
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,387
on NPR, bitches!
622
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,932
- Oh, my God!
- * NPR
623
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,498
* We're gonna be on NPR
624
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,867
Oh, hey, Billy, Julie.
625
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:09,496
Oh, I'm ready
for my first podcast interview.
626
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,002
- Hi, Angela.
- Hey, Angela.
627
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,414
[horn honks]
628
00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:14,436
[book thunks]
629
00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,411
You love books, huh?
630
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:17,579
[fire crackling]
631
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:20,007
Go fuck yourselves.
632
00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:26,552
[both laughing]
633
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,823
(man)
* Ow
634
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,321
* Thought it'd be easy
635
00:21:31,424 --> 00:21:33,934
* Thought they didn't know
636
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:38,966
* You thought it was
the only way to go *
637
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:41,625
* Another way out
638
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,074
* Found on the way home
639
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:45,570
* Thought you were living fast
640
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,342
* But you were living slow
641
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:56,321
*
45188
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