Original subtitles

[driving punk rock music]

(Julie) This is so exciting.

Our first meeting with a comedy manager.

Oh, I love going out to breakfast

because no one ever judges you for not getting a salad.

I'll judge you.

You two are so bloody funny together.

Richard, in Australia are the kangaroos

as prevalent as squirrels?

I could beat up a kangaroo.

- You could not. - Yes, I could.

- You could not. - I'd have no reason to,

but I could.

Are you looking for representation?

Oh, my God, are you kidding? Always. Yes.

That was easy.

Yes, we have a manager now.

All right, slow down.

Let's start this gradually.

We'll try a few things and build a relationship.

I'd like to have a relationship with a fresh kangaroo.

I'd pop him right in the nose.

Give him the ol' paintbrush.

You're obsessed with kangaroos.

Are you interested in writing jobs?

- Yes, yes. - Oh, God, yes. Of course.

I'd like any job where I'm considered

the person with the most social skills.

And I've always hated pants with zippers.

Even Later with Chris Hardwick is looking.

After Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Carson Daly--

it's a live show that recaps the entire late night block.

Exactly what we needed. I've been saying that.

Yeah, finally.

(Billy) So in the packet, what do we have to write?

Monologue jokes. Twitter hashtag games.

Great. We will kill it. We will crush it.

It's due tomorrow morning.

I am so ready to write television

instead of just watching it and recapping it.

This is huge, Billy.

Do you realize how many people started out

as late night television writers?

Mel Brooks, Woody Allen.

I know, I can't wait to marry my own daughter

and start writing terrible movie scripts ten years ago.

I'm so proud of Woody Allen.

He paid so many dues and he finally got

what he was always wanted.

(both) An Amazon series.

[driving punk rock music]

Hello, Billy. Noodles.

Why are surrounded with the vestiges

of print journalism?

We have an opportunity to be television writers.

Yes, we are looking at newspapers

because we have to write jokes about current events.

Which newspapers are bursting with.

[sighs]

Oh, Ebola's back.

Uh-oh!

We could do something like

Angelina Jolie's a director and now Ebola's back?

(both) Uh-oh!

- Right. - But we need a premise.

Like, you know, how they talk on talk shows,

like, "In the news today..."

"You guys hear about this?

"Here's a funny story or..."

"Joe Biden had dinner

in New York City."

Yeah, "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City."

"Joe Biden had dinner in New York City."

"Joe Biden had dinner in New York City."

"Joe Biden tonight had dinner in New York City."

What a... What a...

What a clod, right?

That's our take on him.

Yeah.

We could write a joke about the Taliban.

Yes.

Like, "The Taliban is awful,

and Angelina Jolie is directing now?"

(both) Uh-oh!

Sounds like you two are off to a great start.

Text me if you don't want paella for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

[Arthur whistling]

Julie, you okay?

Yeah, why?

'Cause Arthur was whistling

and you didn't say anything.

It was like you didn't mind.

You know, I haven oddly been more serene

these past few days.

And nauseous.

And late for my period.

Oh, my God!

What if I'm pregnant?

You're not pregnant.

There's no way I'm pregnant.

No.

But then there's that TV show

of women that went to the bathroom one day,

and surprise, you don't have to poop;

you're a human mother.

I don't watch that show.

Oh, my God, what if I'm pregnant?

(Julie) None of these pregnancy tests

are gonna be accurate.

Why not?

I'm on this illegal

Canadian HCG hormone

I ordered from a spam email to lose weight.

Well, that sounds perfectly safe.

Yeah, I know, but what's the alternative?

Portion control?

Now any of these tests I take is gonna give me

a false negative.

I'm gonna call my doctor.

Oh, lube has its own aisle here.

Fancy.

My doctor can't see me till Friday,

so I decided to stock up on hope tampons

in the meantime.

I'm sure your body will get the hint.

You know, as impressed as I was with Richard,

I just don't know if he's the right match for us.

There's something about him.

I can't tell if he's sleazy

or just Australian.

So if he's the wrong manager,

we can always leave.

I mean, nothing is permanent,

except, you know, parenthood.

Well, not the show Parenthood.

That's over.

Every lesbian I'm friends with on Facebook

loved that show.

I know, it was so important to them

to let all their friends know when they cried.

Yeah, how did lesbians let us know

they were crying before Facebook?

Smoke signals.

Oh, my God.

The Huffington Post print edition?

Are you kidding me?

This is a joke? No.

This is real.

Everything you liked about The Huffington Post

without any of the convenience.

And who says print is dead?

Somebody at a party I would never want to talk to.

Look at this!

How do they afford all of this ink?

Every person in the known universe

is a columnist in there.

Well, to be fair, could we really have gone

another day without reading Phoebe Tuttnauer's

haunting personal essay about her bad experience with Airbnb?

I must buy this!

I'm glad we got candy. It helps me think.

Mm-hmm. Me too.

It's good for our brains. It's like fish.

Do you ever read about those rich women

and the dermatologists tell them to eat so much salmon

that they joke, "Maybe I'm one day gonna become a salmon."

Yeah, like someone who's like,

"Oh, if I eat another blueberry,

I think I'm gonna become a blueberry."

It's like, "No, you're not."

I think it's from Willy Wonka.

Mmm.

We should get something on the page.

Yeah.

We're supposed to come up with Twitter hashtag games.

Why don't we go on Twitter

and look at some actual hashtag games?

- Like research. - Mm-hmm.

[siren wailing in distance]

[car horn in distance]

This isn't working.

I know.

You know why?

This isn't a proper work environment.

I wasn't just thinking that. I didn't want to say it.

We need to make it more like a comedy writers' room.

You know what comedy writers' room have?

Ping-pong tables.

Yes. Yes.

It'll free up our minds for jokes

because their hands are moving around!

- In motion. - We should get one.

- Let's go get it. - At a...

Um... A sporting goods store?

Yep, we'll write on the train.

Yep, I'll bring my laptop.

I'll bring mine too.

*

I'm glad we didn't write on the train.

Yeah, you know, I think if you start to obsess to much

about the actual writing,

you miss the opportunity to be inspired

by changing your environment.

Yeah, speaking of which,

let's get the ping-ping table

and get the hell out of here.

I know, I'm getting flashbacks

to all those jocks in my high school.

Oh, my God.

You know what my worst nightmare would be?

What if I am pregnant

and I end up having a son

and he's athletic and well-adjusted

and popular?

And--oh, my God--

what if he's not gay?

Julie. Stop being crazy.

I promise you, if you have a son,

he will be as gay as Jason Gould.

Thank you.

But still, could you imagine?

What if he tried to high-five me one time?

- Ugh. - I know.

So which is the black side

and which is the red side?

Are they different,

or is it the same kind of rubber?

I didn't know these were wood; is this real wood?

Hey, folks.

I'm Rita. Looking for a ping-pong table?

- Yeah, I think so. - Possibly.

Well, the thing I like about this one

is its integrative ball storage apron, right here.

It's right at the knee length.

It's nice. Holds a lot of balls.

Oh, my God. This is really expensive.

Well, don't make any decisions you can't back up.

You know, I always like to tell my customers

to sleep on it when it comes to making big purchases.

Doesn't make me the best salesgirl on the floor,

but at least I have a good conscious.

Well, we all make choices.

Choices. [chuckles]

Hey, you want to hear a funny story?

I used to be an Olympic gymnast.

That is... funny.

Yeah, I even got an offer

to be on the cover of a box of Wheaties,

but then a much trashier cereal approached me

for twice the money, and I couldn't say no.

After my photo was published on box after box

of Slappies, my career was over.

What the hell are Slappies?

They're off the market now.

They were kind of like Wheaties,

but they glowed in the dark.

Turns out that 27,000%

of a daily recommended allowance of mercury

is too much of a good thing.

Are you serious? That's horrible.

Yeah.

Sure wish I turned 'em down

when I had the chance.

Anywhoozle,

how about this pivoting 72-inch cotton blend net?

Look at that.

You catch blue crabs in something like that, right?

(Billy) It's nice.

You guys go crabbing?

We're never going to play ping-pong.

No, and now that I see it in person,

I don't think it's as inspirational

as I thought it would be.

We're not, like, sportsmen.

Now that we're here, it just--

it's not a good idea.

Okay, well, what the fuck am I doing here, then, right?

Oh, wow.

Clarence?

(Julie) Okay, back to the packet.

I have an idea.

What if we went to the Paley Center

and we watched old episodes of late night talk shows

for inspiration?

Yes, I've always wanted to do that.

You can go and you watch, like, Steve Allen and Jack Paar

and all of it.

Even if we just watch a couple

of episodes of Johnny Carson,

it will inspire us.

Totally.

What was that thing

Johnny Carson used to do?

Oh, no-- punch women.

Yes.

I am so glad we left the Paley Center

to get mani-pedis.

Me too.

How are supposed to sit through

a single episode of any of that shit?

I know, right? It's so boring.

I mean, Ernie Kovacs, suck my dick.

That was a different time.

Were they?

I mean, it's 2015 and still,

every single talk show host on network

late night TV is a straight white man.

Hmm, I don't know.

Colbert's too smart not to at least be bi.

See, girls that age,

you just sneeze on them and they get pregnant.

But what erotic foreplay.

Seriously, though, I'm 35.

What if this is my last chance to get pregnant?

Do you want to be pregnant?

No!

Thank God.

What if I do one day,

and when the time is right,

I'm not able to?

What if you do one day

and you then you become of those people

that only talks about their baby all the time

and then I have to find a new friend?

God, look at the masthead on this thing.

It's huge.

Oh, good. Bill Maher has something to say.

How can still call them "new rules"?

He's been on the air since his hair

will still mauve.

I don't know, we need fresh voices on television.

I know: ours!

I just want to dive in

and write, write, write!

Me too!

You know what would be fun?

To go to a movie.

A movie.

(Julie) So it's later than we thought.

I'm still glad we saw that.

Me too.

The only annoying thing

is how many of our friends were in it.

Anything at this point that's Apatow-adjacent,

we just have to accept is going to star

everyone we went into improv class with.

- Oh, no. - What's wrong?

Is the baby kicking?

I don't have my laptop.

But our sex tape is in the cloud!

[screams]

Seriously, though, I don't have my laptop.

[driving punk rock music]

Sorry, guys, no laptop in the lost and found.

Really?

Could you just ask Rita

if it was near the ping-pong table?

I know it has to be there.

Well, Rita's shift ended.

Maybe she took the laptop home.

My friend has a lot of classified information

on that computer.

She's a very important businesswoman.

Sir, she works for NASA.

NASA?

Those are the same sons of bitches

who put me in this chair.

I beg your pardon?

There was this beautiful girl, you see,

and it wasn't typical,

a girl that stunning would talk to me.

Anyway, she asked me to accompany her

to space camp.

I should have said no.

And what happened at space camp?

I destroyed both my eardrums.

Lost my equilibrium.

What happened to the girl?

She got away.

Ground control to Major Bummer.

Well, I'll go give Rita a call.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, thanks.

Billy, I can't lose my laptop.

I know, do you have a lot of naked pictures

of yourself on there?

Of course; I'm more concerned

about all the emails badmouthing people .

Right.

Amy Pascal has nothing on me.

She's an angel compared to you.

You're the same way.

I mean, come on.

If anyone published your emails,

wouldn't you much rather it was just, like,

un flattering photo of you naked?

Are you kidding?

I don't care about people say about my dick.

Hey, NASA! Good news.

We just got your laptop.

- Oh, yes! - Are you serious?

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Yeah, she said to meet her near Astor Place at 6:00.

(Julie) Okay.

She's got a voice lesson.

Oh, wow.

I wouldn't think Rita could carry a tune.

(man) Shut your mouth!

There's a lot of things Rita can do.

[lively rock music]

(Julie) This is good.

We're meeting Rita at 6:00,

so now we have three hours to write.

Yes, exactly. All right.

So should I type, or do you want to type?

- We can switch off. - Let's switch off.

Want to trade off, like, every half hour?

15 minutes.

Okay, why don't we trade off

every 10 minutes?

But you should start, you know...

My keyboard's, like, disgusting at this point.

Excuse me.

I'm just going to the restroom.

If a guy comes in about 5'9"

wearing a purple scarf,

will you tell him that I'll be right back, please?

Yeah, sure.

You're looking at my eyebrows aren't you?

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- No. - You're looking at my eyebrows.

- No. - They're obvious.

Yes, you are.

(Billy) They look great.

I got my hair done for this date,

and the lady at the salon

convinced me to darken them

to make my eyes pop.

First they turned black,

so she put bleach on them.

Then... they turned yellow,

so she put gloss on them.

Then they turned a mint-grey.

Next thing I knew, my eyebrows were gone.

Oh, my God.

Before what you say yes to.

[sighs]

Wow.

I'm telling you,

you don't know what it means to be alone

until you're alone in New York.

I know, right?

All right, we have to do this.

Hey, can I just borrow your laptop real quick?

I'm just gonna look up abortion clinics on Yelp.

Okay.

Oh, this one got 4 1/2 stars.

Oh.

[driving punk rock music]

Rita's almost a half hour late.

What if she doesn't even have my laptop?

What if this whole thing was just a con?

Hi.

Are you waiting for Rita?

Yes, are you--

I'm Kiki, her roommate.

Rita's at urgent care.

Oh. Is she okay?

Yeah, she'll be all right. Rita's Rita.

Ah. Here's your laptop.

Oh, thank you so much.

You have no idea

what this means to me.

No, I don't.

Do you want to buy some coke?

Eh.

We just need index cards.

Cowards.

We bought a lot of stuff from Staples.

We really did.

And yet, we have not written a single word.

I know.

We've wasted the day.

We've wasted our day.

We don't have anything on the page.

What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

I'm panicking!

All right, don't panic!

- Motivate me. - Okay.

Think of all the opportunities

we didn't even get the chance to fail at. Right?

This time, if we don't get the job,

it's our fault

and we can't blame the world.

That's a nightmare.

Let's write this packet.

[bouncy piano music]

*

Suzanne Somers!

Yes.

*

That is indeed a packet.

Wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be, but--

No, but we did get to eat candy, so...

Should I hit Send?

Yeah, hit Send.

Ah!

Finished?

Yes, whether or not we get this job

is now in God's hands.

Yes, He mostly concerns Himself with staffing matters.

I am so proud of you, Noodles.

I can't believe how you just pushed that out

all by yourself.

God, you're so strong.

I wish I could've helped.

Thanks, Crackers.

Text me if you don't want duck for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

[exhales deeply]

You think he knows?

I hope not.

Arthur would be a good dad,

a weird dad, but a good dad.

Uh, I don't know what to do.

Let's fall asleep watching The Talk

like our forefathers did.

Okay.

(Billy) Oh, my God. Julie, wake up.

What?

Um, it turns out Richard

does come from a performance background.

What do you mean?

Porn? So what?

I'd do porn if I had a thigh gap.

No, no, no. Look at this, please.

"Puppetry of the Penis"?

Richard was in that?

"Puppetry of the Penis"!

[screaming]

Don't you remember?

It started in Australia.

I saw that Real Sex.

There was the guy that was like,

[with accent] "I was at the bar doing dick tricks?

"and there another bloke, and he was doing dick tricks,

and we were like, 'Let's team up!'"

That was--that happens in Australia!

You want to watch this?

I want to see what he can do.

Okay, he'll turn his penis into a tangerine.

(Richard) You've met the curious elephant

and the hairy yo-yo,

but who here wants to see a juicy submarine sandwich?

No. No.

[both groaning]

We just stayed up all night

based on a suggestion coming from someone

who's more likely to know the founder

or Burning Man than have any legitimate

connections in show business.

It must be so stretched out.

Oh, my God.

[cell phone buzzing]

- Ah! - Who is it?

Hey, Richard.

No.

I'm gonna put you speaker. Hold on.

What shape is his penis in right now?

- [shushes] - Oh, sorry.

(Richard) Hi, Billy. Hi, Julie.

So the head writer of Even Later with Chris Hardwick

loved your packet, and he wants to meet with you this afternoon.

- Whoa! - Oh, my God!

(both) That's amazing.

Thank you so much. We'll call you right back.

Thank you.

The greatest dick trick

the devil ever played

was getting us that interview.

Oh, my God. Oh.

He's--you know what, he's got a pretty asshole.

[bluesy guitar music]

*

(Billy) Wow.

The Doors.

You can really play.

Yeah, I'm a lefty; I play a righty guitar,

though, like Hendrix.

Just like Jimi Henj.

So, Billy and Julie.

Yes, thank you so much for meeting with us.

We're really excited to be here.

And Richard said that you really liked our packet,

so thank you very much.

That means a lot coming from you.

We worked really hard on it.

To be honest, I didn't read it,

but I'm sure it's awesome.

I mean, network has been up my fucking ass

about a diversity hire

ever since Jezebel did another post

about how there's no female writers in late night.

So do I count as a woman because I'm gay?

[laughs]

(Adam) All right, so let me level with you guys.

Unless you take a fucking shit

right on my desk,

or if you aren't cool, you got this.

What do you mean by "cool"?

You know, just how it's, like, not safe

to joke about anything anymore, right?

You guys probably deal with that shit a lot.

We want to make the show that we want to make.

We don't want to have any regrets.

We don't want to wake up the next morning

and think, "You know what?

"We shouldn't have taken that network note.

We should have said no."

Everyone we bump into has all these regrets.

I mean, glow-in-the-dark ping-pong lady.

Scabby brows.

(Julie) Space camp wheelchair.

What's "space camp wheelchair"?

Is that in your packet? Chris will love that.

Everyone we've spoken to in the past 24 hours

should have said no when they said yes.

And now it's time for us to learn

from their mistakes.

That's right.

And you're gonna be the first person we say no to.

I mean, could you imagine working with this guy?

Is this some kind of bit?

And whether or not I'm pregnant,

I am getting an abortion today.

I am terminating this opportunity

before it gets any bigger.

All right, cool.

Well, I got a meeting, so...

Oh, you have a meeting?

Where? In 1968?

Before feminism was invented.

And you you're think or, like, punk rock why?

Because you DVR Anthony Bourdain?

You're probably one of those guys that thinks

that John Lennon was edgier than Yoko.

Yoko Ono was the best thing

that ever happened to John Lennon.

The Beatles were holding Yoko Ono back.

The only reason I wish Jim Morrison

was still alive today

is just to see how fat he could have gotten.

Oh, my God.

Jim Morrison would have had a field day

at a Dairy Queen.

I mean, can you imagine Jim Morrison around a Blizzard?

Holy shit. The Blizzard King.

[laughs]

(Adam) All right.

Blizzard King is fucking funny, though.

Stephanie, will you bring me that black guy's packet, please.

[driving punk rock music]

(Julie) That was intensely satisfying.

We can saw no to things we don't want to do.

Yeah, and if Richard freaks out

about how we treated Adam,

I will remind him he used to be a penis puppeteer.

Billy, I need you to leave the bathroom.

- Why? - Please. Right now.

- Okay. - Really, really.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Okay. - All right, bye.

All right.

I'm not pregnant!

I love my period!

These pipes are clean!

[cell phone buzzing] - Okay, congratulations.

Oh, Julie. It's Richard.

Hey.

So you're not mad at us

for turning down the job?

No, that guy is supposed to be a real asshole.

I just think it's great to have clients

who know what they don't want.

Ca-ca-ca-clients?

Whoa.

I just wish when I was at your age

I'd said no to an opportunity that my mate presented me with.

Um, Richard,

I think I know what performance opportunity

you're talking about.

We've seen the submarine sandwich.

Well, youthful indiscretion, perhaps,

it lasted, like, a decade.

You're a grown man who put your penis

into the shape of a koala.

(Richard) Okay, okay.

Even later; it's out.

Well, you've already conquered the world

of magazines I see.

(Julie) What are you talking about?

(Richard) These columns are amazing.

What?

Your columns in here, they're fantastic.

We're columnists.

Page 484, 485.

"We Should Be Allowed to Have Cookies for Breakfast"

by Julie Kessler.

Billy, you're in here too.

Yes, I submitted a column to HuffPo.

- I totally forgot. - Me too.

I didn't know that they published it.

Oh, my God.

"Why I Hate Other Gay Men"

by Billy Epstein.

It holds up.

We're in a magazine!

Yes!

You guys are on fire.

Richard, now that we're your new favorite clients,

can you please do us a favor

and show us just one dick trick, please?

Please, please, please!

No, Julie! Julie!

Yes, we're gonna take you on a safari

on the Australian outback.

Here we go. All right.

All right.

Guess what kind of critter this is.

(both) Oh, um...

Um... Um...

It's a wombat. It's a wombat.

Nicole Kidman.

It's a kangaroo.

It's a kangaroo.

I can beat up a kangaroo.

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*