All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S01E03_English

When you were
growing up in Queens,

did you ever think
that you'd be the bartender

on Watch What Happens Live?

Oh, please.

Any gay guy who can get
themselves to the studio

is gonna get a turn.

No, come on.
It's a big deal.

I'm excited for you.

(Andy)
Hey! Billy, right?

(Billy)
Andy, how are you?

Thank you so much for this.

This is so awesome.

I'm Julie.
I write Housewives Recap.

I know exactly
who you are.

Listen, our second guest,

the one who's
legitimately famous,

found out that you were here
and asked that you leave.

Actually, it was more of

a "him or me"
kind of situation, but--

- Are you kidding?
- No.

- Who is it?
- Chelsea Handler.

- Why does she hate you?
- I don't know.

I think I tweeted
the other day something like,

"What would I rather see less:
Chelsea Handler's nipples

or her Netflix talk show?"

It's a joke!

I think I used to make fun
of After Lately

when it premiered.

When was that,
like, 2011?

The same year you called me

"an organ-grinding monkey
in Gucci"

at the Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills reunion?

Yeah, it was Ralph Lauren,

and I felt pretty
that day.

So I guess me subbing in
for Billy

is out of the question?

Not gonna happen.

And, actually,
we would love it

if you could leave now,
because I don't want you

running into her
in the hallway.

What are you gonna do
for a bartender?

Uh, we'll get a robot.

[driving punk rock music]

*

[door opens]

You're back early.

- I was banned from Bravo!
- Congratulations.

It's Chelsea Handler's fault.

(Billy)
No, it's my fault too.

I need to stop
being mean to celebrities.

Every time I talk shit
about a famous person,

I lose a potential gig.

Talking shit about celebrities
is what we do, okay?

It's the only thing that comes
more naturally to us

than breathing air.

I know, but maybe it's time
to pull a Perez Hilton.

Pose in a Speedo
with a baby in the bathtub?

No, I mean stop
being mean to celebrities.

Just as it's starting
to pay off?

Chelsea Handler knows
who you are now.

Maybe it's just a question
of picking your feuds

as your star rises.

I'm hungry.
Are you hungry?

Arthur,
is there dinner?

No, I'm sorry, noodles.

I was just far too spent
when I go home.

Would you like pizza?

I guess.

Arthur, are you okay?

Yes, thank you, Billy.

And I'm sorry I didn't get up
to greet you when you came in.

It's just pledge drive week
at PBS,

and it is even crazier
than last year--

Oh, my God,
I just got invited

to The Simpsons Live
at Town Hall afterparty.

(Billy)
Oh, I didn't get
that invitation,

probably because
I'm mean to everyone.

I bet I said something
provocative about Yeardley Smith

on Instagram at some point.

Is it "Yard-ley"
or "Yeard-ley?"

I don't know.

And an invitation
will always be redundant,

because you will always be
my plus one.

Well, thank you.

What am I, flaked sandwich meat?

And as far as the whole being
nice to celebrities thing,

I'm not in favor of it,

particularly because
Chrissy Teigen just weighed in

on the Greek elections.

Oh, well, she doesn't have

quite the shrewd
political mind

of a Naya Rivera.

No, I don't want
to be mean anymore!

God damn it!

Whatever you want to do,

I will support you either way.

Well, we have that
bingo gig tomorrow night.

You think we can do it
without going full mean?

If you're nice,
I'll be nice too.

And as our gift to you,

we'll provide you
with this wonderful swag.

We've got Classic Doo-Wop.
We've got--

(Arthur)
Oh, God!

Chad Arrow is so arrogant

about making
the most pledge money.

I mean, the odds
are in his favor.

He's in prime time,

giving away doo-wop CDs.

PBS viewers love doo-wop!

It's like catnip to PBS viewers!

I'm going to bed.
Good night.

Good night,
Arthur.

An unexpected bonus might be

to speak with Clare here.

Clare, could you smile?

(Arthur)
Turn that off.

*

- That was awful.
- I know.

I hate bombing!

Let's take this
into consideration.

We did sub in
for a drag queen

and an insult comic
on bingo night.

So what does that mean?

I'm just saying maybe
this wasn't the best time

to debut our new material

about how nice
Naomi Watts seems.

I think it's the venue.

I think we need to give
the nice thing one more chance.

Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.

I think
you dropped something.

- What?
- What?

30-day chip from AA.
Look at that.

[clicks tongue]

What the hell are you doing
to my friend?

I'm gonna call the cops.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm--I'm Abra Cadouglas,

grateful recovering
alcoholic

and magician.

What's that
in your pocket, sir?

- What?
- Check your pocket.

(Billy)
What?

"Abra Cadouglas."

Abra Cadouglas, yes.

"Williamsburg's premier
sober magician"?

There's more than one?

She's here
every Tuesday night.

She does this magic show

that's themed
around her recovery.

I freaking love you
so much.

Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you.

Magic is an illusion
made up of many steps.

Sobriety takes just 12.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

First...we admitted

that our lives
had become unmanageable.

[applause]

[rings clattering]

Is this crazy,
or is this good?

Once I was so desperate
for alcohol

that I shoplifted
a can of hair spray

and then drank it.

Woke up three days later
on a boat with Bill Pullman.

Now, that's crazy.

Abra Cadouglas is my name,

and I have to get
out of this bar.

Something bad's
gonna happen.

Good night.

Bye.
Makes me laugh so much.

Last week, she sawed
her sponsor in half.

That does not surprise me.

[sighs]

- I'm Billy, by the way.
- Hey, I'm Fred.

- Hey, Fred.
- Hey.

You didn't happen to see
our show just now, did you?

Oh, no, no.

You know, I usually try
to make it here

for the bingo as well,
but I had to work late today.

That is more than okay.

Are you
in show business also?

No. God, no.
I'm a dentist.

Dentist? Wow.

That's refreshing.

Are you single?

Rested and ready.

If that's the case,

I shall be excusing
myself, Billiam.

Have a beautiful night.

Nice meeting you.

Bye.

[both chuckle]

Hey, can I get you
another beer?

I'm gonna fuck you, yeah.

Wow, okay.

I'm just kidding.

Uh, you want to see
a show tomorrow night?

Yeah, great.

[upbeat music]

*

I just think
it would be so disgusting

to look inside a mouth
every five minutes.

Well, I mean, you know,
when it's gross,

it's usually more
about the tongue

than it is the teeth.

Ugh, that's--
that is just disgusting.

Tongues are weird.
They're scaly.

Mm! Ew.

Later.

Oh, my God,
there's Marc Shaiman.

(Fred)
Who's that?

(Billy)
He co-wrote Hairspray

and Smash.

- Wow.
- Yeah, he's amazing.

I love that you know
all this stuff.

I just see a guy with gaps
in his incisors.

[laughs]

Well, there's that too.

So, Billy,
what do you think

is, like, the greatest injustice
in show business?

Wow. Good question.

I think
the greatest injustice

is probably that Martin Short
doesn't have an EGOT.

You know what the EGOT is?

It's someone who has an Emmy,
Grammy, Oscar, and Tony.

And I think
all my second-place grievances

are probably about
Marisa Tomei.

[cheers and applause]

(Bridget)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you've been to the show
before,

you know that I always love
to sing a song

and dedicate it to everybody
with a pussy.

Now, if you have a pussy,
I want to hear you say,

"I love my pussy!"

I love my pussy!

I said, "I love my pussy!"

I love my pussy!

(Bridget)
Oh, shit.

Can I get a volunteer?

- Ooh!
- Anyone.

Come on up, Horshack.
Let's go.

- Whoo!
- Help him out.

She chose me!

(Bridget)
He's fired up.

Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

Have a seat up there.

He's a participator?

Yes, a participator.

I had no idea.

The second Bridget asked
for a volunteer

to come up on stage,
his hand shot up

faster than Kevin Spacey's fly
at the opening of Newsies.

What is that, even,

to not be embarrassed
by even just the idea

of audience participation?

I don't know; I don't even
like it at a concert,

like when the lead singer goes,
"Now you guys sing."

No.
Fuck you.

Yeah, I paid you to sing,
thank you very much.

I don't ask Imagine Dragons
to come here and wait tables.

It's bullshit.

And if I am gonna sing,

there's thousands
of people there.

Would my voice
make a difference?

No, not when everybody
around you is doing it.

- It's like voting.
- That's elitist.

Why are you the only ones
that get to sing and dance

or whatever the hell it is
you do?

You think I'm a dancer?
Really?

Is it the arch in my back?

Look, if nonperformers
want to perform,

they have karaoke
and Halloween to use

for act-out
and dress-up times.

(Nate)
But what's the point
in going to see anything

if you can't take part
in it?

[scoffs]
You would say that.

He turns into
such a racial stereotype

whenever we go
to the movies together.

He's always talking back
to the screen

or yelling "watch out"
to characters in trouble.

You know, you really ruined
Blue Valentine for me.

Michelle Williams was going
to get her heart broken.

That is the plot!

Are we talking about
audience participation?

Boy, I have a story

about when I was in
Tony n' Tina's Wedding.

(Billy)
Oh, I'm shocked.

Shut up, Billy.

So the whole show,

for those of you
who don't know,

is audience
participation.

[laughing]

And we had
so much fun.

[laughing]

That's your story?

[laughs]

So Fred is
a participator.

Is that the only thing
you don't like about him?

Yeah, you know,
he's a great guy.

He has an actual job.

He's an adult.

Then don't do
what you usually do

and break up with a good guy
because of a tiny, dumb reason.

Is that what I do?

both: Yes.
- You'll die alone.

Why don't you just
take him someplace

other than a show?

Okay.

That's a good idea.

You're very smart, Nate.

You never sat next to him

when he's yelling at
the Coca-Cola polar bears

before the movie starts.

They're gonna get
diabetes.

[light music]

Ugh, let me guess.

Pizza again for dinner?

And the place is a mess.

What a dump, eh, Martha?

Sorry. I'm just hungry.

Every year, it's the same.

PBS has a pledge drive,

and I need understanding
from you that I don't get.

And you're such a supportive
partner to Billy.

Why can't I get
some of that, Julie?

You used my real name.

If I don't raise
enough money,

I could lose my job.

Gabby told me that today.

If you lose your job,
we'll get you another job,

maybe at a for-profit network
this time.

I could even pitch them.

This is not about you!

[sighs]

Okay, Arthur.

I acknowledge that when
it comes to our relationship,

I tend to be J.Lo
to your Judy Greer.

But I'm trying to fix
your problem.

Yeah, that's just it,
Julie.

You're trying to fix it,

'cause that's what
you want to do.

I'm asking for sympathy
and support.

I need you to listen.

Otherwise, you may as well
not even be here.

Oh, well, maybe you need
to be left alone.

Why don't I just give you
the apartment for the week?

Fine!

If that's the case,

why don't I just take
the dogs too

so you don't have to worry
about walking them?

Good!

Great!

I'll just grab
my toothbrush.

Or I won't.

I'll just buy a new one
at Duane Reade.

Great idea.

So I'll just take the dogs

and their food and beds

and my hair stuff.

The dogs,
their food and bed,

and my hair stuff,

and my laptop...

and jacket,
'cause it's cold outside.

The dogs,
their food and beds,

hair stuff, jacket
because it's cold outside,

and laptop.

And this DVD of The Jerk.

See you Monday.

And that's all I need!

Come on, guys.

Darling.

Hi, Mom.

Welcome home.

Can the dogs stay outside?

For how long do we have
the pleasure of your company?

Until Arthur stops
being mad at me

or pledge week ends,
whichever comes first.

Did you ever wonder whether
Arthur's drinking problem

is affecting
your relationship?

I don't think he has
a drinking problem.

We're having dinner
with the Cuppermans

tomorrow night.

You're invited to join
if you'd like.

I don't know if--

They have a single son.

We didn't break up.

Well, you're not married.

I know.

Why don't the dogs stay
in cages?

Because they're not canaries.

Wait here; I have this article
I want to show you

about women
with performance backgrounds

moving on
to lucrative careers.

Oh, and I have another one
about a study they did.

Apparently, Jewish women
who marry Jewish men

have happier children.

We've got to get Daddy
to let Mommy come home.

You, um, looked like you were
having a good time up there.

Oh, my God, what a blast.

I mean,
of all the crazy things,

I'm not even a performer.

Not even
an aspirational one?

Oh, God, no.
No, no, no.

I love what I do.

(woman)
* Happy birthday...

* Birthday to you

(people and Fred)
* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday,
dear...person *

* Happy birthday to you

* And many more

Whoo!

Happy birthday.

Fred, you're
a really sweet guy.

I think it's great you don't
want to be a performer.

But I worry
that what you are

makes us even more
incompatible.

You're a...
participator.

What--what's that?

Like getting on stage
with Bridget

and singing Happy Birthday
with these people.

You don't know these people.

I--I just like to sing.

What's the big deal?

It's like Game of Thrones.

I want to be okay with it,
but I'm not.

[rock music]

Hi. Julie Kessler
for Arthur Tack.

- Noodles.
- Oh, hi!

I brought you lunch.

And look, I found
those olives you like.

And bitters.
I found bitters.

Hello, Julie.

Hey, Gabby.
How's the pledge drive?

Uh, we're doing
the best we can.

Hey, have you
guys ever considered

changing your pitch?

It's like tote bags
and umbrellas?

What kind of message
does that send?

"I love books"
and "oh, good, it's raining"?

We can't afford
better gifts.

Oh.

One of Julie's
favorite hobbies

is fixing things when
she thinks they need fixing,

even when it's my boss.

Ooh, then what if you just
jazzed up the pledge breaks?

I mean, it doesn't
have to be expensive.

It could be cheap,

like when Comedy Central
did those roasts.

Let's get back to work.

Wait, Gabby.

Seriously, I think this is
kind of a great idea.

First ever PBS roast?

I mean, we could pack the dais
with PBS personalities

and rip them all
new assholes--

Charlie Rose,
Cookie Monster,

those creepy twins
from Antiques Roadshow.

I grew up
with those brothers.

They're family friends.

I bathed with those twins.

This conversation
is hurtful.

And out of respect
to my boundaries,

I am going.

Thanks for lunch.

[sighs]

[stirring music]

Everybody on Veep
talks too fast.

I'm switching it
to Big Bang.

Why did Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

only make $1 million
for this episode?

Is that true?

It's amazing.

When you're here,
she actually listens.

I listen
to everything you say.

You're upset because
you brought Arthur lunch

and he was too drunk
to realize you were there.

That's not the story.

I think it's very close.
Who wants popcorn?

Isn't this fun?

It's like a slumber party.

Hey, Billy, want to see
my yearbook?

I was a size zero,

and that's a 1969
size zero.

I was the size
of Allison Janney's arm.

- Wow.
- Very, very small.

I'll be right back.

I have to get out
of here.

I miss my boyfriend.

I know, and looking at you,

I'm thinking maybe
I shouldn't have dumped Fred.

Is it the worst thing
in the world

to be a participator?

No. I mean,
it's up there.

Oh, it's time
for Arthur's shift.

Turn on PBS quick.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Where did my nerds go?

Hello, public television fans.

We hope you are enjoying
hour three

of The Slow Dances of Tibet.

And now it's umbrella time.

(Billy)
Oh, my God, it's umbrella time.

How exciting is that?

I feel like I've been shot
in the face

with a tranquilizer dart.

Arthur told me he gets
the worst programs

during the worst shifts.

No, they're contaminating
the popcorn.

Oh, God,
that's a Marimekko bowl.

We are a family here,
and we need your help.

Isn't that right, Arthur?

(Billy)
Oh, here's Arthur.

(Julie)
Ugh, nobody's gonna pledge
any money for this.

Coming up after the final
Tibetan dance,

set to complete silence,

a number from the musical
The Hairspray.

He's gonna get fired.

[rock music]

*

How did you get in here?

I told the security guard

I was Shari Lewis's
granddaughter.

Well, the pledge thermometer
hasn't budged.

Hopefully, people will tune in
during the Hairspray song.

Oh, who's doing it?

Harvey Fierstein is singing
with Cheyenne Jackson,

and Marc Shaiman
is playing piano.

Wow, the gay trifecta.

I wonder who they'll contact
in the inevitable séance.

Ross Matthews?

Ross Matthews
isn't dead yet.

Oh, right.

I want to meet
Marc Shaiman.

(Shaiman)
My ears are burning.

And it's not venereal.

[laughter]
- Hey, hi, how are ya?

I'm Billy.

I saw Bridget Evancho
the other night,

and your songs are
amazing.

Yeah, right?

I'm Julie Kessler.
I'm such a fan of yours.

I wouldn't even know
where to begin.

Julie Kessler.

Don't you write recaps
of TV shows?

Yes.

You wrote something really nasty
about us on Smash.

Well, if I said anything
mean about it,

I'm sure I was just upset

that Ivy didn't get
the role of Marilyn.

Do you have any idea how hard
we work on those songs?

And then it's so easy
for you people

to just trash 'em.

It wasn't that easy.

I had 300 words due
that day by noon.

You here to write some more
shit about me online?

I'm here because
the pledge breaks are so boring,

I decided to help
my boyfriend--

Oh, great,
so now I'm boring.

You know what?
I'm leaving.

What?
Mr. Shaiman, no.

Tell Harvey and Cheyenne
I'll meet them

at the M&M store.

Oh, thanks a lot, mouse pad.

Now with Shaiman gone,

I have nothing lined up
for the next pledge break.

I was just trying
to help.

And yet...

Shit!

Okay, I can fix this.

What if we do
your PBS roast idea?

Uh, we can't just--
we have nothing prepared.

It's making fun
of PBS celebrities.

We can do it in our sleep.

Doesn't that go against
your whole resolution

about being nicer
to celebrities?

Fuck celebrities!

I mean, except for
Wendy Williams.

Look, you need me,
and Arthur needs you.

Arthur.

We have an idea.

Welcome to the first ever
PBS roast.

Now, before we move on,
I just want to acknowledge

all of our viewers
who are taking time

out of not having sex
to watch our show.

Thank you so much.

Your balls are bluer
than Cookie Monster's.

(Billy)
And speaking of Sesame Street,

Maria from Sesame Street was
supposed to be here tonight,

but Charlie Rose wouldn't
let her have the night off

from cleaning his apartment.

And speaking of Charlie Rose,

this isn't a joke or anything,

but he just seems like
a really mean pervert to me,

like the kind of guy
that only likes porn

where a lady's getting it
from behind

and her head
is in the toilet.

And I hate to take things
into a negative place,

but, PBS, I have
a beef with you.

Why did you cancel
Shining Time Station?

If there is one thing
children love,

it's having Ringo Starr
yell at them about trains.

(Billy)
There are so many good shows
you guys don't play anymore.

What about The Frugal Gourmet?

Remember that show?

That was one of
my grandmother's favorites.

You know, the original title
of The Frugal Gourmet

was The Cheap Cunt.

Or Mr. Bean.
Everybody loves Mr. Bean.

Hey, Billy, you know that's
what I call my clitoris?

Oh, wow.

Maggie Smith knows
what I'm talking about.

Well, despite
an FCC fine

and an email from Gabby
firing me,

which she later retracted,

you guys really saved
my patoot.

Yes, Arthur, this video has
over 100,000 views already.

Not since the days
of Too Many Cooks--

remember
Too Many Cooks?

No.

This video has gotten
so many donations

that PBS raised more money
than we ever have,

over $1,143!

Oh, Arthur,
I'm so proud of you.

And I promise going forward,
I'm going to give you

the five days a year
that you need.

Oh, thank you, porcupine,

but those days are over
for this year.

Welcome home.
I'll make dinner tonight.

Mm-mm, no.

We have tickets
to Abra Cadouglas.

Then we have to go
to that Simpsons party.

When did you get tickets
for Abra Cadouglas?

Well, it was my big play
to get Fred back,

but he never replied
to my email.

- Fuck Fred.
- Fuck Fred.

Now if I want to go
to a magic show with a gay guy,

the only left
is Neil Patrick Harris.

[lively music]

Oh, my God,
this place is packed.

It's a good thing
you got tickets

before Abra Cadouglas
exploded, apparently.

Oh, my God, is that
Martha Stewart

and Nathan Lane?

I guess Abra's
the toast of the town.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

That's Fred.
And he brought a date.

(Julie)
The nerve of him.

I hate them both!

No, no, no,
you don't have to hate them.

It's my fault; I was
being nice to celebrities

and mean to guys I date.

I should be doing
the reverse.

Oh, don't be
so hard on yourself.

- Oh!
- Here we go.

(man)
She's sober. She's magical.

She's Abra Cadouglas!

[applause]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The road to recovery
is long,

and so is this scarf.

Oh, it never ends.
It never ends.

Lifelong commitment to...

serenity.

Abra Cadouglas.

[cheers and applause]

When I say, "A,"
you say, "A."

- A.
- A.

- A.
- A.

Higher power.
Thank you so much.

[scattered applause]

For my next trick,
I'm gonna need a volunteer.

Who's it gonna be?

- Should I do it?
- Anybody?

Because if I do it,

maybe Fred will see
that I'm okay with it

and then he'll have to
take me back.

Are you serious?

You have to think
about this, Billy.

I don't have time to think.
I'll do it!

Yes, you will.

Give him a round of applause.

He just got
a service commitment.

[applause]

Sir, what's your name?

Um, Billy.

(all)
Hi, Billy.

Hi, and I just want to say
that I'm not above this.

And I'm having a great time,
and I'm up for anything.

Billy, I'm gonna need you
to sit inside of this wagon.

Okay, all right.

This trigger represents
an obstacle to recovery,

or a trigger.

Oh, Jesus.

Work stress.

Co-dependent parents.

Dating too soon
in recovery.

[laughter]

Living above a bar!

No, okay.
All right. Oh.

Presto chango,
you're off the wagon.

[applause]

Abra Cadouglas!

Oh, God, you're still wet?

Well, I mean, you know...

Was that as humiliating
as it looked?

Oh, much more so.

Hey, Billy.

Hey, Fred.
How are you?

Good to see you.

Look at me;
I participated.

Yeah, you know, I feel like
this whole thing

was like an exercise
in empathy.

Yeah, I guess
that's what it was.

Such a huge turnoff

to see somebody embarrass
themselves on stage like that.

I'll see you around.

Come on, Mordecai.

Never do the right thing.

I know.

Never do the right thing!

I know. I know.
I know. I'm sorry.

Let's go to that
Simpsons party.

[dramatic classical music]

Kessler.
K-e-s-s-l-e-r.

Just look again.

Here, show him the invite
on your phone.

This says, "Julie Kavner."

- What?
- What are you talking about?

JulieK@gmail.

With or without
an underscore, though?

- Shit.
- No, that was a mistake.

We meant to invite
Julie Kavner, because

she is an integral part of
the longevity of The Simpsons.

You know, I don't need
to hear your musings

on Julie Kavner's
star quality right now.

Yeah, well, you,
I've never heard of.

Next.

See?
I wasn't invited either.

And it has nothing to do
with whether or not

we're nice or mean
to celebrities.

It's just the way it is.

It has to do with the fact
that nobody knows who we are.

Hey.

[laughs]
Billy, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

[laughs]

Oh, my God,
Martin Short.

Gee, you're taller
in person.

I--I am very tall.

Oh, my God, yes,
I'm Billy Epstein.

How do you know
who I am?

I'm a huge fan of yours,

and you recognizing me
is changing my entire night.

Yeah, you were at
Abra Cadouglas's show.

- Were you just there?
- Yes.

Oh, my God,
that's crazy.

And what--you know
my standup or something?

No, no,
I've never seen it.

I can't imagine
you'd have a standup.

If you do, you shouldn't.

You were just
this awkward guy

that they brought up

and kind of made
a goof of himself.

Gee, you have no charisma,

but I think that's maybe
your strength.

I don't know,
but it's fun for us to watch.

Hey, now, you remind me
of a young Shari Lewis.

Jerry Lewis.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Anyway,
got the big teeth.

Anyway, good to see you.

[rock music]

(man)
* Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was
the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*