All language subtitles for Rancho.Deluxe.1975.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

B-Bar or Lazy-T?

B-Bar.

Now, why do
you say that?

Because the fire road runs up
above their corrals, and you
can't see it from the house.

Let's toss a coin.

Let's just decide.

Did you ever walk a quarter
between your fingers?

Never mind that.
That's the first thing
they teach you in jail.

How to walk a quarter
between your fingers.

Simple-minded card
tricks are next.

* A rustler's daydream

* Thoughts of jail

* Dust clouds rising

* Tearing down the trail

* Got our plans laid

* To make a few bucks

* Buy a spread
called Rancho Deluxe

* No, we're not outlaws

* Or common thieves

* Just a few aces

* With cards up our sleeves

* So we've got to gamble

* Got to take a chance

* Wanna see the whole show

* And not just one dance

* Yeah, we've got
to try and find the way

* We're gonna laugh
We're gonna drink
We're gonna play

* Just bouncing around
the mountains day to day

* Oh, Crazy Mountains

* They named you well

* White men and red men

* Stories we heard tell

I'll do it.

You can practice
walking the coin.

See, you got to where
you're real proud of it.
Where's the saw?

In the back.

Brought the
little McCullough.

That thing is so
damn hard to start.

You are nervous.

Shall I show you
a few card tricks?

Just show me
that thing start.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Did you gas
this mother up?

Smell it, Cecil.
You flooded it.

(SIGHING)

Then we've got
to wait it out.

Oh, just be a couple
of sleepy rustlers

waiting for somebody
to come up here
and mend fence.

There's no way outta here
except for that fire road,

so we're not gonna
put 'em to any trouble
making the arrests.

How many cows B-Bar
running here?

Couple of thousand
on the summer range.

Minus this one.

That's right, you're
gonna wanna figure
that one in there, too.

See, if you and
I were grownups,

the B-Bar would be running
a full 2,000 head
on the summer range.

Now they're down to 1,999
and there's hardly
any sense in going on.

I'm gonna give
it another try.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Jack?

Hmm?

Do you believe in
the tooth fairy?

The one that takes
your tooth from
under the pillow?

Yeah.

Oh, I do if
you do, Cecil.

Well, I do too then.

(SIGHING)

What I'd plan would be to
watch the Tuesday night
livestock reports from Butte

and see what we can get
for four hooves, a head
and 125 pound of cow guts.

We know it's not
a coyote this time.

Well, let's report
it before it gets
blamed on us.

My plan would be to
mail that to somebody.

Well, all right. If that
means something to you.

Miss Castle, I hate to
be so late in getting
to you on the rent.

The Indian and I, we've...
We've been out of town,

and now there seems
to be, I don't know,

some problem in
transferring funds

from our savings account
to our special checking
account without, uh,

losing our Christmas bonus.

Come on.
Get to the point.

Well, I was hoping that
you'd let us pay our rent

with 100 pounds
of U.S. prime beef.

Now, this is about double
the value we owe you.

Or more.

Is this reservation cattle?

Oh, no, ma'am.
Grain fed.

We swapped a
Jeep for it.

Uh, see, we don't want
to lose our Christmas
bonus down at the bank.

Last month it was a sheep.

And next month it
will be hard cash.

And it was still warm.

Yes, ma'am.

(SNIFFING) Cost
us a rototiller.

We got beat out of a lot
of value on that one.

Okay.

We was gonna check
the livestock reports,

and see what hooves
was going for.

Oh, shut up, Curt!

How in the hell did
they get in here?

Fire service road.

I'm gonna close that road.

MAN: You can't.
It's a fire road.

I'll go to Helena,
see the governor
and close that road.

I've closed service
roads all over Montana.

I'm not gonna have a
West that's not free.

And I'll not have my
stock breaking their
legs in gopher burrows.

And I'll not have a
West that's not free

and at this point
in the 20th century,

I'm not gonna be
plagued by rustlers.

When's that chopper mechanic
get here from Billings?

MAN: Wednesday.

Well, you tell him
we hunt predators,
air lift big game

and track rustlers with
this son of a bitch.

And we can't afford
carburetor trouble in
blind canyons again.

Yes sir, John.
I'll tell him.

She sure sounds good
to me now, though.

One more bit of engine
trouble, and I stand up at
the Cattlemen's Association

and announce what a piece
of shit this thing is.

Let's get the
hell outta here.

How are you, Betty?

Bored.

What are you
tying this week?

Fan wing royal
coachman.

And you're bored?
That sounds like
an interesting fly.

Fuck you, Jack.

Do you want to
go out with me?

I haven't any idea.

I thought maybe you
and me could go over
to the Wrangler

and shoot a little pool.

Buy you a cheeseburger.

Dynamite.

You want to come out
and play tonight?

Well, I'm supposed
to go help my sister

catch her horses
up in the Crazies.

Hey, if your sister
will go out with Cecil,
we'll help you.

Well, all right. But
you've gotta bring
your own horses.

We're not riding
you clowns double.

Come on, Cecil.

Hold on, now.

Dee and me is still
working this out.

Says you.

Come on, Cecil, let's leave
the bow-wow to her work.

(LAUGHING) I just
got you, man!

A date with Betty's
sister Mary.

All right.

She's the tastiest lady
around here, if you ask me.

She's got lips of
cherry wine and
eyes like diamonds.

Yeah, that's the one.

Shall I bring a
lot of rubbers?

Indians. Jesus.

Sorry.

Just trying to embrace
the new culture.

We gotta help catch
her dad's horses.

Where at?

Up in the Crazies.

All right.

Honey! I'm back.

How are things in
the wild blue yonder?

You look fantastic.

All right, John.

Cecil?

Mmm-hmm?

Have you ever watched
chickens fucking?

I wouldn't say "watched."

Have you ever listened?

Oh, you must be
these ladies' dad.

How do, Mr...

Dog. Bob Dog.

I'm Cecil Colson.
North American Indian.

Sir, we're here to
help these ladies
catch their horses.

Now, my bet is, they've
gone half wild up
there in them aspens

with wire marks
over every inch
of their hides.

How right you are.

Makes you really wonder
if you should've
given in so easy

when they whined and whined
for another appaloosa,

high-priced barrel racer.

Yes, sir, they've probably
reverted to bucking
stock by this time.

Oh, shut up, Jack, and
take off that ugly mask.

Give me a hand
here, Jack.

I've got to git.

Just run all of
your ponies into
the old corral.

I'll send a stock truck
up for them in the morning.

Okay, Dad.
Bye-bye, Daddy.

JACK: How many horses
are we looking for?

Five.

CECIL: Where shall we
start looking?

Let's throw the
I Ching and see.

No, we ain't throwing
no I Ching to find
no horses. Damn.

Eat it, Betty.

High school kids can't
pick their nose without
getting stoned

or throwing the I Ching.

You can't sleep at night
without humping cowboys
in the driveway.

Watch your lip, Mary.

Or demolition derby
drivers, bank tellers,
brand inspectors,

just to name a few.

Ladies, damn. I'm
getting disillusioned.

Now, let's just ride
up there and catch
these ponies.

To me, this is
America today.

God wants America on
horseback, finding lost
appaloosa barrel racers.

Do I make
myself clear?

BETTY: Mary, you and Cecil
go to the top of
the south pasture,

and we'll go down
the forest service line.

We'll herd 'em
back from there.

If we catch one we'll
have a simple time
with the others, okay?

Right.
Okay.

Make it to the tree,
she'll die, first fly.

Now, Mary,
you don't know
any such thing.

Yes, I do.
She's a dumb twat
and I can't stand her.

She flushed two lids
down the toilet on me.

Smashed my black light
when she was drunk.

Tore up half my posters.

Scratched my Humble
Pie albums...

How much difference in age
is there between you?

Two years.

But she's just about
exactly half as hip

as my grandma is down
at senior citizens'
cranking out doilies.

JACK: Oh, Jesus, Betty.

(BETTY MOANING)

(BOTH MOANING)

BETTY: Oh, just
like that, yes!

Oh. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Oh!

Ooh, oh, yeah!

That is dyno supreme.

Mmm.

I am loaded.

Stoney weed,
I tell you!

(LAUGHING)

The most possible primo.

* Can't you see
your mother, baby

* Standing in the shadows

(EXCLAIMS)

Ooh, ooh!

Wait, yeah. Ooh.
Ooh, yeah! Ooh!

Baby! Oh, oh, baby!

Ooh, ooh.

Come on.

(GRUNTING)

(MOANING) Yes!

Oh! Oh, baby!
Oh, baby! Oh!

Oh, baby! Ah!

You...
Oh...

Oh, you miserable
son of a bitch!

Is nothing
sacred to you?

Whoo!
Hey!

(LAUGHING)

Why have I asked
you to save these?

I have asked you
to save these

because they will
help show us

that these rustling
cases are all the
work of the same man.

But a lot of people
have .270s, Ms. Brown.

(SIGHING)

Curt, you're a slow
boat to China.

Now, Burt, will you tell
Curt what I told you?

Curt.

Yes, Burt?

The firing pin
of a rifle is just
like a fingerprint.

And we're gonna send
those cases down
to the ballistics lab.

All right.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Anybody feel like dancing?

How about you, Slow Boat?

Music's a little
hard to dance to.

(SIGHING)

Come on,
goddamn it.

I want some gothic ranch
action around here.

I want some Desire
Under the Elms.

I wanna see some
smoldering glances
down at the old corral.

(STAMMERING)
I don't know, Ms. Brown.

Gee, Mrs. Brown...

Well, piss off, then.
Jesus Christ.

Tweedle-ee-dee
and Tweedle-ee-dumb.

What do I want with beef?

I have nothing to
trade you, anyway.

How about your
dirt bike?

My Elsinore?
Are you nuts?

That's worth more
than your steer.

What kind of condition
was this animal in?

Real choice.

You got a nice rifle?

I got a Sharps
buffalo rifle.

A real plains rifle
made by W. C. Floond.

What caliber?

.50 Sharps.

I'd trade my right
rear quarter.

How many ribs
on a quarter?

This Sharps
is something.

I'm so glad you asked.
It's a three-rib quarter,

and it'll run to half
the weight of that side.

Throw in the kidneys and
liver and you've got a deal.

I mean, if you're
looking to deal.

I'll take the Sharps.

Jack and me are
about the last
of the plainsmen.

Today's Enterprise announced
that old John Brown
bought the Lazy-T.

Hmm.

Probably doesn't matter
which fork we took,

it was still gonna
be one of his cows.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm glad we got
it in storage.

I didn't like the feeling
when that chain saw flooded.

Yeah, I don't know
if John Brown's
so bad, either.

He keeps some of these
shit-assed tourists

from putting an aluminum
house trailer on a
quarter acre of pasture.

You ever see
Cheyenne Autumn?

Oh, yes.

Well, in another 20 years
they're gonna make
Aluminum Autumn.

You bored, John?

Yeah.

What do you
wanna do?

(SIGHING)

I don't know.

Wanna go look for
signs of the rustlers?

They probably haven't
even been around.

Darlin', that's
not my fault.

And it's not my fault that
there are no more ranches
to buy around here.

Why don't you run
into Livingston and
get yourself a hat?

I don't feel like it.

I've got it, John.
I've got it.

Why don't you call
a press conference
on this rustling?

You know, that's not
a bad idea, Cora.

That's really not.

I could declare
war on rustling.

JACK: Can you beat that?

John Brown has declared war
on rustlers in Park County.

That's us.

Before you whites came here,
we had a simple existence

in these shining mountains
under this big sky.

Horseshit.

We had that, too.

Cec, your relatives were
primarily honky tie
hackers from Iowa

and bucktoothed squaw
hoppers from the East.

It sure was something with
them ladies last night.

Uh...

What's the matter?

We've got to jack up this
here ante on John Brown.

Let's burn his barn.

No, really.
I mean it.

Let's burn and pillage.

(CHUCKLING)
You fucking Indian.

You interested in this
livestock exposition?

You mean, now that we're
in the cattle business?

Uh, let's skip these
runners-up and also-rans.

Let's go for
the biggest
and the best.

What's that?

Let's see what won
the top seed bull.

I want to see the
winning chicken.

We're gonna skip
the chicken.

I'm into blue-ribbon
cabbages.

I want to see one.

Let's keep our eye
on the ball, Cecil.

This fine bull,

Baseheart of Bozeman Canyon,
has compiled more than
twice the number of points

needed here tonight
to win this blue ribbon.

He has tremendous
thickness and length,
and at show time,

checked in at
2,600 pounds.

His mother, at 14 years
of age, is still running

in the high country
with her grandchildren.

This bull has it all.

Size, bone, trimness,

color...

It just brings
tears to my eyes.

John Brown, I wonder if
you could say a word
or two to Baseheart

of Bozeman Canyon's admirers.

Thank you, Bob. Honey,
come on up here.

My wife and I
thank you all.

I, um...

I would like to say
to my fellow breeders,

that in 20 years
of breeding,

from this stock, you can count
the steers on one hand.

Our bull calves have,
on the whole,
grown up to be bulls.

(CROWD CHEERING)

MAN: All right!

Okay.

Seriously, uh, we have
the top matrons
and the top sires.

We raise very correct cattle
at the B-Bar Lazy-T.

And if we ever get around
to the same with our citizens,

maybe these chain saw
rustlers will give us
a chance to show you

some of Baseheart of
Bozeman Canyon's grandsons!

Burt, you load that bull.

Yes sir, John.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, this might seem a
little obvious to you,

but do you, uh, maintain
this quality level
with all your seed bulls?

Damn sure do.

All pure pedigrees?

You bet.

Performance tested
before you sell them?

Yes.
Semen tested?

Yes.

Certificates of soundness
from a reputable vet?

Absolutely.

What's that baby there worth?

About 50,000 big ones.

Do you like your work?

I feel it's a growing
industry, and I'm
growing with it.

Old Baseheart couldn't
care less who's driving.

(SIGHING)

I sure would
like to go from one
piece of ass to another

in a custom truck and
get nothing but money

and blue ribbons
for the job.

That'd be checking
out in style.

Why should we have to
hide from a helicopter?

JACK: Private land,
Betty.

BETTY: It's landing.

Bird that owns it would
run us in so quick...

I'll be darned.

Jack, let's just go
down there and see
what they were up to.

Ladies, why don't you go
look for a swimming hole
with some warm rocks.

Cecil and I are just
curious as all get
out to see

what these ranch fascists
do with their machinery.

Shall we count it?

I don't think
that would be
too interesting.

No, neither do I.

Do you like
being prosperous?

Hey, it's not interesting.

Maybe we could have
a party. Maybe a
party'd be interesting.

Old Baseheart is gonna
have to fuck his ass off
to make up for this one.

I was tempted to
try to trap our boy,

but I didn't want
to take a chance
on losing Baseheart.

I mean, that goddamn
animal is my signature
on American West.

Honey, I'm with you.
Now, let's just hope.

We're staring at a bad loss
more than a financial way.

Now, so the note said what?
We go to room 203,
we'll get another clue?

No, no. We get an exact
and complete description
of Baseheart's whereabouts.

He was right to the
point about that.

Can we have the
key to room 203?

Somebody's left
something there for us.

I'd like to go along with you.
I've had complaints
about that room all night.

What kind of
complaints?

The sound of kind of
honeymooners in that room.

What name is that room
registered under?

John and Cora Brown.
They don't answer the phone.

They're just having
the noisiest damn honeymoon,

lurching into
the furniture
and carrying on.

I went up to the
door and knocked.

It sounded like they
were on the bed
by that time,

and it was hellacious.

Are you kin?

Kinda.

CLERK: Do you suppose that
mother'd ever charge?

What have you got in
mind for this week?

I wanna spend some
time with my old man.

Hey, now that's
remarkable.

Why do you say that?

Well, I was thinkin'
about visiting my folks.

Is that right?

Yeah, I've been
thinking about it.

Plus I might as well.

I don't see how we're gonna
top this week's performance.

Let's take a vacation.

Come on, old man.

Oh.

We're gonna
float the river.

Ah, Cec, I don't,
uh, feel up to it.

Shit you don't.

Got the picnic and I caught
about 100 big hoppers.

Got 100 big hoppers?

You got a raft to use?

Just bought a dandy
new McKenzie boat.

Hey...

Whoo!

What are these, Cec?

They're all bacon,
lettuce and tomato.

Could be eating
them hoppers.

Old boys on the reservation
used to eat grasshoppers.

Full of nourishment.
Supposed to taste good, too.

Let's find out.

Mmm?

Damn, Cecil.

Not bad.

Well, now, Daddy, it's
what our forebears done.

Yeah, some of them, Cec.

I mean, we're supposed
to have some royalty
in there, too.

The prince of Angolia
or something.

You ain't doing
no crime or nothing?

No offense intended.

I don't know what you mean.

I mean, there ain't no
visible means of support.

And this boat, you know,
and that jazzy pickup truck.

I've had about 150 jobs
in the last month.

All right. It's all right.

Let me tell you
another thing.

I see more of this state's
poor cowboys, miners,
railroaders and Indians

go broke buying
pickup trucks.

The poor people of this
state are dope fiends
for pickup trucks.

As soon as they get 10 cents
ahead, they trade in
on a new pickup truck.

The families, homesteads,
schools, hospitals and
happiness of Montana

have been sold down the
river to buy pickup trucks.

It is a sickness here worse
than alcohol and dope.

It is the pickup truck debt.

And there is no
cure in sight.

Well... I do see
what you mean.

Really.

But I own this truck
in partners with Jack,

and we do a good deal
of hauling with it.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Jack, get the front
door, would you?

Hello, Anna.

We're going to leave
you two alone.

Jack?

I know I can see
that you really
question my judgment...

That's right, Mother.
I question your
judgment on this.

Now look, pal...

Get out. I'm about to question
your goddamn judgment.

Did you hear me?

(SIGHING)

I don't know why
they did this.

They left it up to me.

So I came. I wanted
to see you.

I wanted to look at you.

It makes it harder, Anna.

God.

I'd just gotten so I
could come here at all.
I'd just risen to that.

Hey.

How do you like
being single?

I guess it's the
only way I can live.

Jack, couldn't I
come and see you?

Anna, why?

So we can work on
each other again?

Mmm? So we can lock
ourselves in the house

and crawl around and weep
and take tranquilizers,

talk about suicide
and pointlessness again?

Is that what
you wanna do?

Anna, don't you
understand yet?

We make each other insane.
Don't you understand that yet?

God, that last week
we had together.

You were too crazy to
even wash your face.

I had to brush the
knots out of your hair.

We mutilate each other!
Don't you understand that?

I still love you.

I don't care.

I love you and I don't
want any more of it!

I don't want
any more of it!

* You got your Tony Lama's on,
your jeans pressed tight

* You take a few tokes
make you feel all right

* Rocking and a-rolling on
a Livingston Saturday night

* Got the pickup washed
and you just got paid

* With any luck at all
you might even get laid

* 'Cause they're picking
and a-kicking on a
Livingston Saturday night *

Are you sure
that's them?

Sure as shooting.

Is that pretty sure?

That's real sure.

You're not that bad.

You just play for shape
instead of blasting away.

Are you Indian?
Part.

Indians never get
too good at pool.

I thought maybe
you were Jewish.
Or a greaser.

So, as you were saying...

Well, uh, it's
just that old

John Brown has seized
on this rustling

because he's kinda sad
and bored and all.

And all this sleuthing
excites him.

* It ain't the same old West
No, that's for sure

* But I think it beats
anything that's here before

* A-rocking and a-rolling on
a Livingston Saturday night

* So won't you listen
to the sound of the
hot country band

* Boot heels shuffling
on the dance floor sand

* Play some pong, sing a song,
shoot a little shit

* And if the fighting starts
just don't get hit

* And if the cowboys
still can't find a thing
in town to do

* Well, there's a whorehouse
on the edge of town where
anybody able to screw *

(GAME BEEPING)

What about that, uh,
stock detective?

Well...

Where'd that
come from?

John has gone and hired
this Henry Beige.

He's out of
Twodot, Montana.

Got a great reputation.
He'll be here tomorrow.

He's pretty old.

Uh. Bringing his niece
to take care of him.

Doesn't that kinda take away
from old John Brown's fun?

I was thinking
the same thing.

And I hope not.

He's been sleeping nights
lately instead of,

uh, rambling around
the ranch yard
with insomnia.

When we recovered
Baseheart of
Bozeman Canyon,

he was happier than
if we'd never lost him.

Ransom on that
son of a bitch

made every stockmen's
paper in the country.

And every regular
paper in the West.

(GAME OVER BELL RINGING)

Here you go.

Another quarter.

You figure it to be the
same, uh, same rustlers?

You know, the ones we've
been reading about?

Oh, I know
who it is.

Oh, you do, huh?
Mmm-hmm.

Look, if you bring
your man back in
the middle each time,

you're gonna play
a lot better.

Oh.

'Cause I've beat you
two straight already

and we're gonna play
best three out of five

for championship
of the universe.

(LAUGHING)

Well, who is it?

(EXCLAIMS)

Who's what?

That's rustling
off your stock?

Oh, come on, Jack.

Tell me.

It's you.

No, seriously.

No, I am serious.
You're the rustler.

Now, why do you...
Why do you say that?

Well...

Me and Burt told the
old man that we were
gonna come to town and,

uh, wanted one more chance
to catch the rustlers.

You know, the culprits.

And, uh, we told him we
wanted to come into town
and run down some leads.

And, it's...

It was the only way we was
gonna get the night off.

And since you and Cecil
are the only two we've
talked to, then, uh,

you gotta be
the hot leads.

But I do have to believe
in my heart that you
are the rustlers,

or my conscience gonna
hurt me and, uh,

all I wanna do is
drink and play these
here bar games.

I believe in fun.

I believe in having
it all now.

I believe in hygiene.
I believe in a good old time.

I believe it getting it
all while you can.

Is there anything you
don't believe in, May?

Mmm-hmm.

I don't believe in
letting your meat loaf.

Uh, May, I'd like to introduce
two celebrity friends up here.

Jack, I know who they are.

Burt and Curt
the B-Bar Lazy-T.

Yeah, well, anyway...

Now, why don't you
let me tell you.

We're still offering
the standard acts and jobs
at the standard rates.

Although the livestock
has picked up in quality.

We have not raised our
price on Half and Half,
Round the World,

or your Straight Shot.

We have, however, canceled
the old Hershey Highway.

Oh.

But we are willing to
negotiate on Circuses,

Sultan Slavery, Harems,
or any kind of
free form fandango

somebody might want
to invent for himself.

Well, we promised Burt
and Curt a treat.

So you let them pick
and we'll cover it.

MAY: Come on and pick.

(CHUCKLING)

We want 'em all.

Yep.

It's yours.
Our word's good.

Well, now, that's gonna
spoil about $300.

No. We bought it, May.
Cec and I are
men of our word.

Why don't you get
in there and, uh,
raise it up to $350?

Who's gonna
answer the phone?

(SNORING)

Do you want to wake
these rustlers up?

They sure was generous.

They're good boys.
Hmm. No question.

Let's wake 'em. We'll buy 'em
some breakfast at Chico.

How do you feel about
the wages up there?

It's more the way
of life than it
is the salary.

Come on.
Answer seriously.

Wages are lousy.

Three-fifty a month,
room and board.

Mrs. Brown asks
the cook to make
the food too spicy.

Why do you ask?

Are you rustlers looking
for some inside help?

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHING CONTENTEDLY)

It'd be fun to
talk about, anyway.

I'm sure it would.

Just to help us stay awake.

Well, why don't we
all go for a swim?

JACK: My concern is whether
we can turn that semi around
in the upper pasture.

CURT: You don't have
to worry about that.

If it don't look good, Burt
and me'll take a tractor up
there and make a turnaround.

BURT: Now you know, don't you,
that we're gonna have to take
the load a good ways east

to get away from
grain inspection.

Yeah, I know.

And the split is
a simple four-way.

JACK: Absolutely.

I think you've
got a deal then.

What about the
stock detective?

No problem.

I recommended
him to Brown.

Is he honest?

As the day is long.

Poor bastard is so
old he creaks like
the inner sanctum.

He still don't believe
he's got the job.

Can hardly get from
room to room.

Hey, let's get dressed.

I got something
out in the truck
I want to show you guys.

You boys, you left this
down at the locker plant.

If you're gonna have a
sport coat made out of it,

why don't you have the
brain removed first?

Where's the geezer?

He's coming. His niece
is helping him come
down from the bunkhouse.

Jesus, Cora.

He doesn't even
look mobile.

Laura, what do you
do with yourself

when you're not lending your
Uncle Henry a helping hand?

I help my mom.

What about when you're
not helping her?

Then I go to the
senior citizens' and
help all the old folks.

Mmm. Livingston?

No, ma'am, in Choteau.

What else do you do?

I sew.

CORA: Oh.

What do you sew?

I just like to make nice
things for nice folks.

You are a remarkable
girl, Laura.

All I want is for
folks to be happy.

* It's a big, wide
wonderful world *

Can it, Laura.
We're trying to eat.

Holy Christ Almighty.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Have, uh, you always been a
stock detective, Mr. Beige?

No.

What did you do
before that?

I was a horse thief.

That's why I made such
a damn good stock detective.

You know, one time I had
400 head of stolen horses

in my corrals up on
Sixteen Mile River.

I'd put 'em on an electric
train there at Ringling

and I'd transfer 'em over
to the Northern Pacific

at Maudlow and ship
'em into a four-state
area inside of 48 hours.

Why, you know, I could ship a
stolen horse faster than you
can move an airmail letter.

Why, I was the very best.

Why'd you quit?

I got caught.

Sent me up to
the penitentiary
at Deer Lodge.

Why, I spent three years
breaking horses for the
prison ranch up yonder

while everybody was
having such a fine
time in World War II.

When I realized that my
thievery had cost me
the circus of the century,

why, I decided to go
straight, work on the
other side of the law.

Well, Mr. Beige,

I think it's about
time we acclimate you
to the B-Bar Lazy-T.

This country around here
is a little steeper than
what you're used to.

See that peak up there?
That's Squaw Mountain.

It go about 11,000.
Careful. Attaboy.

JOHN: We raise very
correct cattle at
the B-Bar Lazy-T.

The last time I saw
him on his feet was
four days ago.

That little simp, Laura,
brings his food to
him three times a day.

Mr. Beige told me that very
often his mere presence
puts an end to rustling.

Evidently his
reputation
precedes him.

I don't know why, Cora.

I sort of feel
we've been had.

To me, the worst of it
is the way Curt and Burt
follow that Laura around.

You know, we're not
getting half the use
out of them we once did.

Yeah. I'm afraid our
two chimps are in love.

They coming knuckling out of
the bunkhouse every morning,

trying to beat each
other to Laura's side

to help bring Mr. Beige's
breakfast to him.

Darling?

Hmm?

Are you ever sorry we got out
of the beauty parlor business?

Gee, I miss
Schenectady
sometimes.

Jack, I just got to find
out where this bastard
keeps his money.

(GUNSHOT)

Cecil, no! Jesus!
Cec, Jesus Christ!

Hi, boys.

Hello.
Hi.

Burt and me thought
you ought to know what
bad planning feels like.

Thank you.

What does it
feel like?

You made your point.

Boys, I got a question.
When we're fixing to skate
off with a semi truckload

of living veal, what in the
hell are you doing up here
penny-anteing for one steer?

JACK: Sport.

Sport.

Uh-huh, Cecil and
I are sportsmen.

Let me tell
you, wise guy.

We have to go up and get
Mr. Henry Beige now
and bring him to the kill.

'Cause I don't
know what you
were shooting with,

but you for sure could
hear it up at the ranch.

I don't know what they
shot this steer with,

but it blowed a hole in him
you can throw a cat through.

It's got my curiosity up.

She's either been hit
by a bazooka or
an express train.

Wait a minute. Yeah.

Yeah, here she comes.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

If I wasn't so dad-blamed
old, I wouldn't know
what that was.

What is it, Mr. Beige?

It's a .50 caliber bullet.

What kinda gun?

A Sharps buffalo rifle.

You know, things is
getting downright romantic.

(LAUGHING)

I don't know
what these boys
got in mind.

But it's a good sign
they wanted us to
get dressed up.

They're nice boys, all right,
but I sure don't need to get
grossed out again.

(SLOW COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

This is a weird
mixture of
yin and yang.

So many animal karmas
have bit the dust here.

Just eat, Mary.

Bite my ass, Betty.

Girls...

Take your hand out
of my crotch, Jack!

Betty, the orchestra
heard you.

Betty's so smooth.

Play a polka!

(SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

Let's go!

(WHOOPING)

You may go, Officer.
I have recovered my
Lincoln Continental Mark IV.

Come in, Mother,
and have a look.

Come in, Mrs. Cramer.

Come in, Aunt Bea
and Uncle Ramsey,
and see the floozies

and the whoremongers.

Grandma and Grandpa Hooper.
Don't hold back.

Come on in and see what
the world has come to.

Filth and evil
is one subject
I'm slow to tolerate.

That's two subjects.

Son, you are in
a dangerous country.

I'd advise you...

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

I knew if I kept this
by my bed long enough,
some motherfucking worm

would turn up in here.

That's what I call
self-fulfilling prophesy.

Now get down on your knees.

(SHOUTING) Fast!

Oh, am I in a bad mood.

Okay, now fold your
hands in front of you

and beg your daughters
for forgiveness.

Fast, or I'm gonna blow
you to kingdom come.

Forgive me, girls.

If you had any right to
come in here and do this,

you wouldn't be such a
coward and fall down on
your knees at my command.

That boy is 100% right,
and I don't care
who hears me say it.

You had no right, Wilbur.

I knew you knew
better, Grandma.

It's these World War I
war babies we're having
so much trouble with.

Now, if any of you
folks follow us in
the next hour or two,

you may just find me
in the front yard
with this, uh,

nasty-looking
heater in my hand.

And as for you, dork, you
better not press charges.

If you do, they
better tell them
to catch me quick,

'cause I'm gonna come
looking for your ass.

Let's get the hell
out of here.

Jack!
Follow me.

I'm gonna take a ride in this
Lincoln Continental Mark IV.

We're beaucoup committed now.
Let's ride in style.

No wonder them old boys
had such reputations.

This is an amazing piece.

Go for the hood ornament.

You got it.

What are you up to?

Mrs. Brown asked me to
Hoover these Navajos.

You have to be careful
you don't unravel them
with that machine.

I'd never use no
Hoover on Indian rugs.

Well, Mrs. Brown said I
was to do it this way,

and, uh, these are
Mrs. Brown's Navajos.

Well, she's a jerk-off.

Huh? What?

That's just an
expression I heard.

Mrs. Brown probably knows
best when it comes
to her own Navajos.

Yeah, I think
that's true, Laura.

Uh...

When she told me to
Hoover, I just Hoovered.

I didn't ask no
further questions.

I think you're right
to follow instructions.

Um, Laura?

I got a crush on you.

Burt.

No, Curt.

Oh, I meant that.
I meant Curt.

You're so sweet
and so innocent.

But yet, you always seem
to have something
going on in your mind.

Would you consider
taking a walk with me?

I'm gonna try and
finish up here.

Honey, I'm back!

And I have picked up a
piece of information you'd
practically pay to hear.

John Cameron Swayze,
hop scotching the
world for news.

Burt, get Mr. Beige.

Yes, sir.

Wait'll you get
a load of this.

Tell me now.

This is just gonna
make you twitch.

I hate to have anybody
barge in on me
when I'm a-dreaming.

How can I tell that?

You were sitting up
in front of the TV.

How am I gonna tell you
were having a dream?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Mr. Beige.
I've got a bit
of news for you.

That's nice.
I don't get no paper.

You guys using
the same gag book?

What was this news
that you had for me?

Well, it seems that an
abandoned Lincoln Continental
was found in an open field,

up the Shields Valley.

So?

It was full of
bullet holes.

Why is that?

For no apparent reason.

But the bullets that
did the work might be
of interest to you.

Why?

They were from a .50 caliber
Sharps buffalo rifle.

Oh, I see.
Is that all?

Yeah.

Well, in that case, I
reckon I'll just wander
on back to the bunkhouse

before I lose track of
that dream I was having.

You see, I was dreaming that
I was in ancient Egypt.

This here pharaoh...

Hold on a minute, Henry.

Let's just try to
focus here a minute.

I get the picture.

Uh, that Lincoln automobile
was shot up with
the same kind of gun

that killed that
steer of yours.

Well, if this doesn't
interest you, Mr. Beige,

I hope you won't be
offended if I pursue it.

Oh, that's fine.
Go right ahead.

But you know, there's
one incredible thing
that I gotta find out.

What's that?

Was I just a commoner?

I don't follow.

Was I a commoner or was I
actually a member of the
pharaoh's royal family?

You see, in this dream
I was a-standing up there

on top of that pyramid
with the pharaoh,

and it was just like
we knowed each other
for years and years.

And the Nile was a-flowing
down there below us

and the slaves was
a-bowing and a-scraping

and there was
dancing girls, and...

CURT: Oh, God,
she's beautiful.

Like a flower
or a fawn.

So carefree.

She's almost
like Bambi.

(SIGHING)

Oh. You look beautiful.

Take them.
God made them.

Well...

I got 'em now.

Laura?

Yes, Curt?

Could we kiss?

Yes, Curt.

But Curt...

Yes, Laura?

I don't think
I'm too good.

You'll show me,
won't you?

(SIGHING)

(MOANING)

Who does this
car belong to?

Why don't you ask
the highway patrol?

They sent me for it.

Looks like Baby
Face Nelson's.

Thanks, pal.

Officer, um, can you
tell me who that Lincoln
Continental belongs to?

The one you just
sent to the dump?

It's belongs to
a Mr. Wilbur Fargo.

What's the story?

Well, it was stolen
and vandalized.

That's all we
know right now.

We got a real feeling
it was Negroes.

Wait a minute.
I'm way out of line.

Let's just say it
could've been Negroes.

Have you got
Mr. Fargo's address?

Sure.

When was the last
time you saw a
Negro in Livingston?

On the 1:15 from Billings.
It was a redcap.

You sure it wasn't
Al Jolson?

All right, all right.

I realize your car was amply
covered by insurance,

but I have a special
reason to want to know

if you have any notion
of who might've taken it.

I don't know, and
I don't wanna know.

Sounds to me like maybe
you don't want to know.

That may be it.

You already know?

No.

I think you do.

You're full of shit then.

What is it?

Who you trying
to protect?

Nobody.

Who is it, Wilbur?

I just said
I didn't know.

Now you're gonna
have to get the hell
out of my house.

You trying to
protect yourself?

No.
I think you are.

Well, what if I am?
What if I am trying
to protect myself?

What of it?

All right, Wilbur.

Let's you and I
leave it at that.

But, uh, just for
the sake of reason,

why don't you count
on seeing me again.

That was Burt.

Says go ahead
and rent a semi.

I tried to get him
to split with us
on the rental.

He knows we got the Baseheart
of Bozeman money, though.

He wants us to front the
expenses, take it off the
top out of the profits.

Real sharpie.

He said he lined up a feed lot
in Rainbow Rock, South Dakota,

where we can lay
out the whole load.

It'll be days probably
before they discover
that stock missing.

So John Brown's not
even interested.

At least not enough to go
riding around his ranch.

Hi.
Boys?

Couple of coffees, huh?

Stock's gonna be up
in that upper corral
near Antelope Butte.

We'll just drive
the truck up there
and load 'em in.

Where is Burt and
Curt gonna be at?

Asleep in the bunkhouse.

He was real clear about
that. We blow it, he
says he doesn't know us.

What are we gonna
do with the money?

(CHUCKLING)
I don't know.

(SIGHING)

This is just to keep
from falling asleep.
Don't you know that?

Well, thank you. Old pal...

The thing is, I don't have
any trouble keeping awake.

All right, then
I'll tell you
what we'll do.

We'll finish this job,

retire at Rancho Deluxe,

just south of the Big
Rock Candy Mountain.

(LAUGHING)

And we'll be
wide awake!

This is the life,
huh, Burt?

Yeah, it sure is, Curt.

Riding the old range.

* Where the deer and
the antelope play

* Where seldom's heard
a discouraging word

* And the skies are
not cloudy all day *

Well, I reckon we got
enough cattle in there
to fill that damn truck.

How long you been
working ranches now?

This time,
two years, three.

I used to do ranch
work in high school
in the summers.

What'd you do before
you came here?

Modeled hot combs
on Butte television.

What'd you do?

Appliance repair.

One of us will have to
come up in the morning,
wipe out the semi tracks.

After that, it's just sit
back and wait for payday.

Well...

Tell you the truth,
I got mine just
about spent.

On what?

I'm gonna take me
a winter vacation.

Gonna hire me a villa
down in Puerto Vallarta,

where Elizabeth Taylor
and them go.

How's about you?

Aw, you'd just laugh.

I probably will,
but why don't you
tell me anyway?

I wanna ask Laura
to marry me.

I was afraid
that was it.

Yeah, well, she'd be
just as surprised
as you are, I guess.

We ain't got that
far along yet.

But I know that's
what I wanna do.

Did you get in
her pants yet?

Don't start in, Burt.

Did you get any tit?
Get any titty off her?

Whoo!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE)
Whoo! Ah! Ah! Curt!

Kiss me again, Curt.

You know, honey,

I'm beginning to
see the light.

Would this be the light
at the end of the tunnel?

No, this would be
light in general.

I am beginning to see
what that little twerp
was trying to hide.

What little twerp?

I am not sure this would
interest you, Mr. Beige.

It has to do with solving
a little problem we
have around here.

What problem would that be?

That would be
rustling, Mr. Beige.

Well, I'll be dogged.
Listen at him now.

Yes, you listen
to me, all right.
All of you.

We are the victims
of crime, and it just
seems to bore you.

It even bores
you, Mr. Beige.

It don't exactly bore me.

Don't you understand?

I have got a hot lead.

Well, run her down then, son.
Don't let me take the fun
out of it for you.

Take the fun out
of it for me?

You aren't gonna take
the fun out of it for me,

you 2,000-year-old
rangeland cornball,
and I'll tell you why.

Because you're gonna get
your shrunken ass the hell
out of here in 24 hours!

Well, 24 hours will be
just about fine with me.

Uncle Henry!

Burt.

John, I think this has
been in despicable taste.

I'm being bled to death
by cattle thieves,

I'm trying to keep from
drowning, and you want
to review my taste?

You have got to promise
me that you're joking!

Laura?

(LAURA CRYING)

It's okay.
It'll be
all right.

Oh, it's just that
Uncle Henry has always
been such a nice person,

so good to everybody,

and it just broke
my heart to see him
so old and helpless.

I know, darling, I know.

Oh, don't call me darling.

Why?

Because!

I can't have anything to
do with this place after
Uncle Henry's failure.

Oh, Laura...
I just can't!

Laura, please.

There's no chance for
Uncle Henry now.

Another day we'll be gone.

(SOBBING)

That great old man, the great
stock detective will have
to look defeat in the face.

But I still don't
see why I can't
call you darling.

Oh, you can't see that?

No, I can't.
I really can't.

It's because I love you.

And since Uncle Henry's
failed, I have to stick
by his side

and take him home.

If I let you call me
them endearments,

it'd just be admitting
everything I gotta leave.

And that would be
hard. Too hard.

It's okay.
It'll be okay.

It's okay.

I'll explain it to you.

Do you call this
real life, Cecil?

It is to me, Jack.
I'd like to not
give it up.

I just noticed how
wide awake I am.
Now why is that?

Fear, I'd say, Jack.

How many pairs of clean
socks you bringing?

I am not a monster.

I am a property owner.

John! John, it's me, Cora!

What's that mean, Cora?

You sounded like you were
addressing the multitudes.

Well, it just seems
plain to me,

but I've got the
goods on the rustler.

Is there only one?

I've got the
goods, that's all.

Will you hand me
a towel, honey?

I don't see why I should wait
just because it'd be polite
for that dipshit Henry Beige

to solve this thing at
some remote future date.

That sagebrush nincompoop.

All right, John, what
are you gonna do then?

I am going to settle
this mess today!

Whoo!

All right, now,
let's go.

Let's go.
Go on.

Let's go, cattle.
Whoo!

Whoo!
Go on.

(WHISTLING)

Wilbur Fargo.

You know that, Brown.

You are under arrest.
Officer Crane
has the papers.

What's the charge?

You are charged with willfully
destroying your own automobile

to collect the insurance
and with operating
a rustling ring.

I thought you'd be smart
enough to use a different
rifle for different jobs.

Now wait just a damn minute.
I've got some talking to do.

I'm glad you can deal
with this mother.

Fifteen gears?

Which you can split.
So that makes 30,
plus Mexican overdrive.

You remember
to fuel it?

I thought it was full
when we rented it.

Check the gas gauge.

I didn't know
you were nervous.

Full to the top!

All right.

Ladies, that handsome
peach pie has caught my eye.

Let me serve you
a piece then.

Would you care
for a cold cola?

No, thanks.
Pie'll be just fine.

Care for a chokecherry
tart, Mr. Beige?

Of course I do, but...

It's time this old reprobate
was going to work.

Now y'all take care
of yourself!

Thanks for the pie, ladies!

What's Mexican overdrive?

Neutral.

Whoo!

Oh, gee.

Come out, boys!

Join the party!

Yes, sir.

Shut her down.
You're gonna
stay a while.

Come on around
here, feller.

Okay, down the line.
Down the line.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Put the cuffs
on 'em, boys.

Ladies, I'll have another
piece of that pie!

Cora, I've got it!

I've got it.
I know who it is.

I got it!

John Brown, you come
on inside and let me
buy you a drink.

(WHIMPERING)

Goddamn it!

I really trusted her.

I really thought
she loved me.

Brown, here's my bill.

You can pay it, or you
can use it to wipe the
Pablum off your chin.

I'll pay it.

Don't make me no never mind.
I'm in it for the sport.

I'm gonna give you
a rule of thumb.

You follow it, and you
might be able to hang on
to this ranch of yours.

All large-scale crime
is an inside job.

Running up and down the
road taking fingerprints

and sending trash off
to the crime labs
just don't get it done.

You're dealing with people,
you gotta be human.

Come on, Henry.
Let's get the hell
out of this pop stand.

I wanna get to Great Falls
and spend my cut.

(LAUGHING)

You try to
remember
it today.

Two-year-old steers
in the north pasture.

Cows, calves and
bred heifers
in the south.

Got it.

And I'll make the lunch while
you practice walking that
coin between your fingers.

You can wash the dishes while
I practice card tricks.

Whatever you say, Cec.

We can find a way.

* Cold, blue mornin'

* The game is done

* Nobody lost and nobody won

* So shuffle the cards up

* Play it again

* Really don't matter

* If we lose, we still win

* Yeah, we got to try
and find a way

* Laugh, we gonna drink
We gonna play

* Bouncing' round the
mountains day to day

* Oh, Crazy Mountains

* They named you well

* White men and red men

* Stories that we heard tell

* You're so mellow

* From your tender wine

* From your
Sweetgrass foothills

* To your timberline

* Ah, yeah, we got
to try and find a way

* Gonna laugh
We gonna drink
We gonna play

* Ah, bouncing round
the mountains day to day *