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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:06,200
We're not going out,
not staying in
2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,960
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
3
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,160
But there is no need
to scream and shout
4
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,760
We're not going out
5
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,240
? We are not going out. ?
6
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,320
Thanks for the lift.
7
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,600
That's OK. It's good to get
out of the house.
8
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,920
Anna's got a personal trainer, and
I worry if I don't leave them alone,
9
00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,200
they might not have an affair.
10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,560
Oh, good.
11
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,440
My new smartphone's arrived.
Bit big, isn't it?
12
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,280
Who'd you buy it from? Dom Joly?
13
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,440
Typical. Apple have changed
the headphone socket again.
14
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:52,320
What the hell is that?
Yeah, I know what that is.
15
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,240
What? Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
16
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,360
So? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
17
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,320
Well, can you give me a clue?
18
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:04,040
OK, it is actually something
to be ashamed of.
19
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,720
It's a penis enlarger.
20
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,720
Pardon?
21
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,560
Would you like me to shout it again?
22
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,000
Well, I didn't order this.
23
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,400
It's none of my business.
24
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,800
I'm telling you,
I didn't even know what it was!
25
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,520
I thought it was a hamster run.
You wouldn't put a hamster in there.
26
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,720
It'll end up the size of a rabbit.
27
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,720
You seem to know a lot
about these things.Oh, yes.
28
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,680
How very embarrassing for me.
29
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:30,320
You're just the man who ordered one
to be delivered to his house.
30
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,040
I ordered a phone.
31
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,320
Fair enough.
32
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,760
Maybe it's like when Ocado
substitute an item.
33
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,240
"Oh, sorry, we're out of satsumas,
34
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,160
"so we have replaced them
with a penis enlargement pump."
35
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,920
I'm telling you,
I did not order this thing.
36
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,000
Then who did?
37
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,320
Yeah, that makes sense.
38
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,560
What's this? Is it a hubble-bubble?
39
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,360
What? You know, one of those things
you see people smoking
40
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,000
outside Turkish restaurants.
41
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,480
I'd say if there's smoke coming out,
42
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,320
it's probably best to stop using it.
43
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,240
What is it?
44
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,760
It's a penis enlarger.Is it?
45
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,920
You don't need one of those, Lee.
46
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,560
That was a very long pause!
47
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,280
Oh, my God, you didn't open
that package, did you?!
48
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,120
Were you saving it for his birthday?
49
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,280
Read the label!
50
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,440
"Monster Max 3,
Big Boy Masculinity Enhancer."
51
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,120
The address label!
52
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:37,040
Mr S Cruikshank, number 27...
53
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:42,400
Oh.It's for the bloke across
the road, you idiot!
54
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,080
He wasn't in, so the delivery guy
asked to leave it here.
55
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,680
I was going to take it
across to him later.
56
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,360
Well, let's just repackage it.
We can't do that.
57
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,000
It's got the name of the delivery
company on and everything.
58
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000
It even had a seal.
59
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,360
Now he's going to know
that we've seen...that!
60
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,760
Well, at least now you've got
quite the ice-breaker.
61
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,000
Good idea. Play naive and say you
think it's for breaking ice.
62
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,160
I'm not telling him anything!
YOU are! You opened it!
63
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,400
Well, I can't give it to him.
I don't know him.
64
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,200
I don't even know what he looks
like.Oh, you can't miss him.
65
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,760
He lives across the road
and has a very small penis.
66
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,360
Look, his car's back.
67
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,440
Off you go.
Oh! Why can't you just do it?
68
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,640
Because he is the man who moved
in six months ago
69
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,000
with his young family, Lee.
70
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,200
The man who I see in the school
playground pretty much every day
71
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,920
and who I still properly
haven't said hello to.
72
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,040
So until Mumsnet do discussion
on how to overcome
73
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,760
the social awkwardness of passing
over penis enlargers, I'm stumped!
74
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,440
What am I supposed to say to him?
75
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,840
This is your problem, mister.
You deal with it.
76
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,400
That's a bit blunt. What about,
"It's not the size of the boat,
77
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,600
"it's the motion of the ocean"?
78
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,200
There is no way I am taking
this to him.
79
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,640
Well, someone's got to.
80
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,160
Bye.
81
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,680
I've got an idea.
82
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,400
Kids!Don't you dare!
83
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,680
Sort it out, now!
84
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:43,480
Hi.Hello.I'm Lee
from across the road there.
85
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,840
Oh, right! I've been meaning
to say hello since we moved in.
86
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,960
Me too. How long is it now?
87
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,160
I mean, since you moved in!
88
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,760
Six months. Oh. OK. Good.
89
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,520
Settling in all right?
90
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,040
Oh, you know, usual stresses -
91
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,680
trying to sort out an extension.
92
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,440
Do you want to come in,
have a cup of tea?
93
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,640
Erm, no, I won't impose.
94
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,960
I just, um, wanted to say that
we had a...
95
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,640
..a package delivered today.
96
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:17,840
Oh, right.
97
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,320
Hello.This is Lee
from over the road.
98
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,040
Oh, hello, I'm Catherine.Hello!
99
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,320
So, uh, you liking the area?
100
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,040
Oh, yeah, we love it.
101
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,920
Our last place was a bit more
central, but Stuart's been wanting
102
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,280
to go bigger for a while now.
103
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,440
I have, yeah.
104
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,640
And everyone seems very friendly
around here.Oh, yeah, yeah.
105
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,760
There's no airs and graces
around here. Nobody judges you.
106
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,800
Some of the things I get up to...
107
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,600
Yeah, make a hooker blush.
108
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,840
Anyway, like I was saying,
we, uh, took in a package today.
109
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,560
Oh!
110
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,480
And here come the kids.
Anyone else saying hello?
111
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,280
Actually, we've got my parents
staying. Mum? Dad?
112
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,280
Come and meet our neighbour.
113
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:03,960
I should probably be going.
114
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,000
I don't want to impose
on your private life.
115
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,600
Family life!
116
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,520
Who cares about your private life?
Not me.
117
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:11,680
Shall we take that?
118
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,080
BOTH: Hello.
119
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:16,280
Hello!
120
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,720
You said you'd taken in a package?
121
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,600
Yes. I did.
122
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,680
And it was for me.
123
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,920
Yeah. Bloke knocked on the door,
124
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,160
said, "I've got a package for you,"
and I took it in.
125
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,760
It went really smoothly.
126
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,680
Anyway, I just wanted to let you
know that, uh,
127
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,560
that's what it's like around here.
128
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,320
Really good for deliveries.
129
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:47,480
I would highly recommend
getting stuff delivered.
130
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,680
Anything interesting?
131
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,200
Just my...hubba-bubba.
132
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,680
I mean hubble-bubble.
133
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,680
You know, the Turkish bong.
134
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,480
Sorry, kids, no bubble gum today.
135
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,040
But you can have a blast
on my ganja pipe.
136
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,520
As I say, no-one judges you
round here.
137
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,680
Very spacious, these houses,
aren't they?
138
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,880
Anyway...
139
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,920
..I just wanted to meet you guys,
say hello
140
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,520
and let you know that deliveries
around here go really smoothly.
141
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,120
I should get going.
142
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,760
This isn't going to suck itself.
143
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:38,800
Bye!
144
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,120
How did it go? Oh, yeah, fine.
145
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,960
I met him, his wife, the kid,
the other kid,
146
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,200
his dad, his mum, the dog,
147
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,320
and I think there might actually be
a great-granny in the attic
148
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,280
still on the way downstairs
to meet me.
149
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,320
Why have you still got that?!
150
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,840
Did he say you could borrow it?
151
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,800
Why do you think I've still got it?
152
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,960
There were three generations
of his family there.
153
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,680
Do you remember that episode
of The Waltons where John-Boy orders
154
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,680
a penis enlarger and then everyone
gathers around to watch him open it?
155
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,080
It's really awkward.
156
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,400
We are forgetting the whole thing
and binning it.
157
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,320
We can't just get rid of it!
158
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,080
I signed for that!
159
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,560
What did you do that for?
160
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,280
Because that's what normal people do
when taking in a package
161
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,840
for someone else, Lee.
162
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,640
What they don't do is start tearing
the wrapping like a hyperactive
163
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,520
four-year-old playing
pass the parcel in Ann Summers.
164
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,040
But now he will definitely find out
that we've got it!Exactly.
165
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,080
Take it back and give it to him,
right now.
166
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,280
I can't do that because
I just specifically told him
167
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:55,240
that we didn't take a package in
for him.
168
00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,920
You knocked on his door to tell him
we hadn't taken in a package?
169
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,400
Sort of.Right.
170
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,120
And did you also let him know we
weren't having a barbecue next week
171
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,920
in case he didn't fancy coming?
172
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,720
What are we going to do when he
comes to the house saying
173
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,560
that he's been told
the package is here?
174
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,120
We'll buy a new one.
175
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,200
What, a new house?
176
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,240
Actually, that might be
a simpler idea.
177
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,840
We get online and we order
exactly the same device
178
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,680
with next-day delivery.
179
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,120
We're going to buy another
penis enlarger?
180
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,640
That's the plan?
181
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,400
When it arrives,
we don't open the packaging.
182
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,200
This is brilliant.
183
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,760
If only we'd have thought of this
with the first one.
184
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,520
Instead, we transfer the label
from the first one
185
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,360
on to the new unopened one
and take that one over.
186
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,240
That way, he gets his delivery
in a sealed package
187
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,160
with his address on it, and he won't
have the tiniest inkling.
188
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,880
Well, not after he's used the pump,
he won't!
189
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,320
Well, what if he's phoning
the delivery company right now
190
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,960
and asking where it is?
191
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,240
He won't be that impatient for it,
will he?
192
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,040
Well, maybe he ordered it yesterday
on next-day delivery.
193
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,840
Who orders a penis pump
with next-day delivery?
194
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,640
Yeah. What kind of weirdo does that?
195
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,800
Maybe he needed it in a hurry
196
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,520
because he accidentally
opened his neighbour's one!
197
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,760
All right, I'll go over there now
and stall him from phoning
198
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,600
the delivery company,
then I'll come back
199
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,400
and I'll order the penis enlarger
to arrive tomorrow.
200
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,520
What are you going to say to him?
201
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,280
I'm going to do what any decent man
does in a difficult situation.
202
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,360
What's that?
203
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,720
I'm going to blame my wife.
204
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,120
Hello, it's me again.Hi.
205
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,600
Do you want that cup of tea
after all?
206
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,080
Won't it be cold by now?
207
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,160
Look, you know that story
I just told you
208
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:57,080
about taking in the package?
Have you come to tell us another one?
209
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,280
Turns out I was mistaken.
210
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,960
I've literally just been told
by my wife that, apparently,
211
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,680
she did take a package in for you.
212
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,760
Oh, right. Great.
213
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,960
So, can I have it, then?
214
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,000
No.
215
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,520
Right.
216
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,520
Because?
217
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,600
Because the thing is, um,
she signed for it
218
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,680
just as she was leaving the house,
219
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,480
and because she was in a rush,
220
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,080
she popped it in the car
and she drove to work with it.
221
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,160
I see.
222
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,160
But she's back home now, is she?
223
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,200
No. Oh?
224
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,200
Is that not her car on the driveway?
225
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,360
Yes, that's her car,
226
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,080
but that one's broken down
and she's driving a rental one
227
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,480
at the moment whilst we're waiting
for that one to come back
228
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,880
from the garage.
To be towed to the garage.
229
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,440
Right. Gotcha.Yes.
230
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,000
I've only ever seen
that one car on your driveway.
231
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,480
She's been parking the rental
one round the corner.Oh, right.
232
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,320
Why? I don't know.
233
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,000
She's funny like that.
234
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,680
She doesn't want the neighbours
thinking we've got two cars.
235
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,080
They're like that around here.
236
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,760
You smoke a Turkish bong,
they don't bat an eyelid.
237
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,240
But if you've got an extra car,
238
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,920
people think you're trying to melt
the polar ice caps.
239
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,920
OK, no problem. I'll pop round
for it this evening.
240
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,480
Actually, it'll be tomorrow,
if that's OK.
241
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,200
She's at her parents' house.Right.
242
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,160
I thought you said she was at work.
243
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,320
Yeah, she works at
her parents' house.
244
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,200
Yeah, they run a small hotel.
245
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,400
Didn't you just say that she told
you about the package just now?
246
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,840
Did she phone you up?
247
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,600
Yeah, she phoned me up to tell me
that she got the package
248
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,440
that she put in the car,
the rental car
249
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,160
that she parks round the corner,
250
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,960
that she drove to work in
at her parents' hotel
251
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,200
and then rang to tell me
that she got the package
252
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,600
that you can have tomorrow.
253
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,040
Great.
254
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,600
Who's that in your window?
255
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,320
She's got an identical twin sister.
256
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,800
I think it's one of your kids.
257
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,240
Yeah, that's one of my kids. Yeah.
258
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,880
No, I was just making small talk,
259
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,200
telling you that she's got
an identical twin sister
260
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,960
that helps at the hotel.
261
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,440
It's funny the things that happen
as a result.
262
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,800
HE CHUCKLES
263
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,800
I bet.
264
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:11,960
Like what?
265
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,360
Like the other day someone said,
266
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,680
"Can I have that coffee
I ordered from you?"
267
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,000
And she said,
"Oh, I think that was my sister."
268
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,600
It's a great story.
269
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,560
Anyway, I'm sorry about the delay
with your parcel.
270
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,080
No problem. You know the
expression - all good things come...
271
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,840
In small packages.
..to those who wait.
272
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,320
To those who wait!
273
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,520
Bye!
274
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,360
Morning.
275
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,080
What time's the delivery getting
here?
276
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,680
I don't know, it just said next day,
so I suppose it could be any time.
277
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,440
Whoa! Don't let
the neighbours see you.
278
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,560
You're supposed to be working
at your mum and dad's,
279
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,520
helping run their B&B
with your identical twin sister.
280
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,400
And we need to get our car towed off
the driveway as soon as possible,
281
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,400
even though there's nothing
wrong with it.
282
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,200
Don't worry - when all this is over
there'll be a debriefing.
283
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,560
DOORBELL RINGS
284
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,880
Got a delivery.Great.
285
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,240
I don't know if you know
what this is or not, but...
286
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,760
..it's not for me. Isn't it?
287
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,440
No.Oh.
288
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:35,920
I mean, it is for me.
289
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,600
I'm sorry, if there's been mistake,
I can't let you have it.
290
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,240
What? Oh, for God's sake.
291
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,880
Hello, there.
Sorry about my husband's behaviour,
292
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,440
but he's a little embarrassed
about what's inside the package.
293
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,640
It's a penis enlarger.
294
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,160
He didn't want you to know
because he doesn't want people
295
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,880
finding out about his little
tiny micropenis.
296
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,400
That's right, isn't it, darling?
297
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,960
Yep.
298
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,920
What would I do without you,
princess?
299
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,040
Swap the address labels over,
300
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,920
and do it carefully.
301
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,080
Oh, the tweezers for the label,
is it?
302
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,880
I thought it was in case
I needed a pee.
303
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,480
I should start giving you
loyalty stamps.
304
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,400
Lucy's finally home.
305
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,840
Are you sure it's her?
306
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,440
What? You know, her twin sister.
307
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,560
Oh, right, yes.
308
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:41,800
Good one.
309
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,720
So, I've got your package
from yesterday.Great.
310
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,640
Everything all right
over at your place?
311
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,920
Yeah. Why?
312
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,040
Oh, nothing. I just noticed your
curtains have been drawn
313
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,280
since yesterday afternoon.
314
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,120
Just checking you weren't ill
or anything.
315
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,200
No, no. All fine.
316
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:05,080
You know what it's like, sometimes
you just want your curtains closed.
317
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,600
Or at least I hope you do.
318
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,400
Cup of tea?
319
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,280
No, you're all right.
I've just had one.
320
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,320
Don't want overstimulate myself.
321
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,960
What? Nothing.
322
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,480
Well? I think he bought it.
323
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,280
No, Lee, we bought it,
324
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,920
which is throwing up some
fascinating targeted advertising
325
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,200
on our laptop.
326
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:35,800
Oh...
327
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,520
I assume that's disposable.
328
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,320
No. You wash it afterwards,
then use it again.
329
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,960
Eurgh!
330
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,480
Anyway, the upshot...
331
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,720
Show me that again.
332
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,280
What is the matter with people?
333
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,480
Anyway, the good news is,
334
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,720
as far as that bloke's concerned
over the road,
335
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,520
me and you are completely unaware
336
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,280
that I have just handed him
a penis enlarger.
337
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,680
And you have permission
to leave the house if you like.
338
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,320
I only hope our daughter finds
a husband like you one day.
339
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:12,400
DOORBELL RINGS
340
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,840
Is that him?
341
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,040
If it is, just stay calm
and don't mention penis enlargers.
342
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:20,000
I've genuinely forgotten what else
there is to talk about.
343
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,440
Oh, it's just you.
344
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,680
I know you're not a man hugger,
345
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,440
but can you perhaps meet halfway?
346
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,560
I was just curious
what happened yesterday
347
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,760
with that willy stretcher thing.
348
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,600
Are you definitely a real doctor?
349
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,920
It's fine. It's all sorted.
350
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,200
Right.
351
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,200
That's the first one.
We bought another one.
352
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,520
Well, you can never have
too many penis enlargers.
353
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,160
It's not mine.
354
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,080
Delivery for you, mate. For me?
355
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,880
It's got my name and address on it.
Yeah, that's how it works.
356
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,000
Are you sure it's for you?
357
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,280
We don't need you opening
a consignment of butt-plugs
358
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,640
addressed to the vicarage.
359
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,320
Joke.
360
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,560
It's probably just another
penis enlarger.
361
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,960
I've not got a small penis.
362
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,960
Oh, my God.
It IS another penis enlarger.
363
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,160
It's not bloody mine.
364
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,480
Don't tell me,
this is your neighbours, as well.
365
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,560
He's just discovered
he's got a third penis.
366
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,160
This must be the one we ordered
online yesterday.
367
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,200
So, what did you just take
across the road?
368
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,080
Oh, my God!
369
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,360
I've just given our neighbour
my 600 quid smartphone.
370
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,000
Oops.
371
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,800
Right, enough is enough!
372
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,760
I'm going to tell him the truth
and swap these back.
373
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,960
No, you're not. This is good.
374
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,120
Why?
375
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,360
Because when he opens up
that package and finds a brand-new
376
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,040
�600 smartphone, he's probably
going to keep quiet
377
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,800
and be glad with his windfall.
378
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,000
And what about his missing
penis enlarger?
379
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,360
Well, they're less than 20 quid.
380
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,400
He'll probably just order another
one.If there are any left.
381
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,320
I've heard that demand for these
things has really spiked recently.
382
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,400
We're probably now in the clear.
383
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,800
It's problem solved.
384
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,680
Problem solved? He's got my phone.
385
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,520
Well, you'll just have
to let that go.
386
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,480
Lee, promise me you're not going
back over to that house.
387
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,760
All right, I promise.
388
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:33,960
Good.
389
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,320
Because Toby's going to do it.
390
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,560
You know you once said
you'd help me out
391
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:41,720
if I was ever in a tight spot?
392
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,800
No, I have never said that
in my life.
393
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,960
Look, all you've got to do
is knock on the door,
394
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,720
say you're from the delivery
company,
395
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,240
and that there was a mix-up with
the package that I delivered earlier
396
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,240
and you need to swap it
for this one.
397
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:57,040
Well, what about the fact it's
not wrapped in the proper packaging?
398
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,240
Oh, I don't know.
399
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,840
Just say it got destroyed
at the sex shop. How?
400
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,480
I don't care. Say it was
a Rottweiler dressed as a gimp.
401
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,920
Just get me my phone back!
402
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,800
Forget it, Lee. There is no way
I am ringing that doorbell.
403
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,560
OK.
404
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,040
I understand.
405
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,120
I'll do it.
406
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,640
Can I help you?
407
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,080
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: All right, mate.
Sorry to bother you.
408
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,200
See, I'm the delivery driver
that dropped that package off
409
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,800
with that shonky muppet
of a neighbour of yours.
410
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,800
Thing is,
there's been a bit of a cock up,
411
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,000
no pun intended.
412
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,760
Sorry? You got the wrong package.
413
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,880
This one's yours, geezer.
414
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,280
What's going on? What's going on
is I need to swap them.
415
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,800
Straight up.
I'm not mugging you off, like.
416
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,360
But you're my doctor.
417
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,920
What, guv?
418
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,600
I had a hospital appointment
with you six weeks ago.
419
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:03,920
Oh, right.
420
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,080
I see.
421
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,440
How are things, pal?
Everything clearing up?
422
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,120
What's happened? You've not been
struck off, have you?
423
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,200
Oh, no, nothing like that, geezer.
424
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,600
So, why are you delivering parcels?
425
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,160
Gives you extra dosh, innit?
426
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,400
Under funding of the NHS
and all that, I'm brassic, mate.
427
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:26,960
Why the fake voice?
428
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,480
Actually, this is my real voice.
429
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,440
It's the doctor voice that's fake.
430
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,200
I can't hardly talk like this
in the hospital, can I?
431
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,040
People might lose confidence
if they hear me saying,
432
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,760
"Sorry, love, your juicy Lucys
are going to need the once over
433
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,600
"but I reckon a bit of cream
and everything will be pukka."
434
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,480
Something feels very odd
about all this.
435
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,320
I know. I'm sure it all feels
a bit mental and all that,
436
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,800
but, like I say, guv,
mix up at the warehouse,
437
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,600
so if you give us the other parcel
438
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,960
then I'll get back in me...jam jar.
439
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,440
You're telling me you need to
subsidise your income as a doctor.
440
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,400
STARTLED SCREAMS
441
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,200
Love a duck!
442
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,800
What are you doing in my house?
443
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,080
Erm...
444
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,480
Oh, God, it's happening again.
445
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,760
At least this time
I'm fully clothed.
446
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,840
What are you doing in my house?
447
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,080
Yeah, what are you doing
in his house?
448
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,600
What are you doing in my house?
449
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,600
Do you know this guy? Yeah.
450
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120
He's the doctor
who delivers packages.
451
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,160
He's not a delivery driver.
452
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,960
What?!
453
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,080
You owe us all an explanation, mate.
454
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,360
What's going on?
455
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,000
I think I would like that cup
of tea after all.
456
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,080
Lovely jubbly!
457
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,960
NORMAL VOICE: Earl Grey would be
marvellous.
458
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,200
DOORBELL RINGS
459
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,840
Hello.
460
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,760
If you say the word "delivery,"
I may start attacking you.
461
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,720
Funnily enough,
I have come about a deliv...
462
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,840
Package. I'm from across the road.
463
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,600
I believe you took something
in for me yesterday.
464
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,200
Sorry? I'm Stephen from number 27.
465
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,320
I got one of these notes
through yesterday.
466
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,840
Mr S Cruickshank.
467
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,280
Yeah, I'm renting the flat
on the top floor
468
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,720
above Stuart and Catherine's.
469
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,760
Oh, God.
470
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,200
This is all just a silly
misunderstanding.
471
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,440
Can I just have my package back?
472
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,200
There's a �600 phone in there.
473
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,200
It's not your package.
474
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,600
It's not your package.
475
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,480
I know.
That's why I haven't opened it.
476
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,960
I don't open things
that aren't for me.
477
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,280
Oh, I see.
478
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,800
What? Now you know there's a phone
in there you want to keep it.
479
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,200
Oh, so I'm the bad guy?
480
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,960
I'm not the one who got
Dr Dick Van Dyke here
481
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,720
to pose as a fake delivery driver.
482
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,320
Look...
483
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,960
Why don't we just swap them back
and that'll be the end of it?
484
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,560
Swap what?
I don't know what that is.
485
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,240
I think you do.No, I don't.
486
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,160
Do you really want me to do this?
487
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,120
DOOR OPENS
488
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,240
Oh, great.
489
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,360
Here's the audience.
All I need now is a drum roll.
490
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,800
OK.
491
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,240
Well, you asked for it.
492
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,560
I believe you ordered this.
493
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,200
What is it? Does she not know?
494
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,400
"Does she not know?" I don't know.
495
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,840
Do you really want me to tell
everybody what this is?
496
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,200
Yes, please.
497
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,680
OK.
498
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,800
Then you leave me no option
but to say two words to you.
499
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,840
Penis enlarger.
500
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:57,920
What?
501
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,840
Penis enlarger.
502
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:03,080
You use it to enlarge your penis.
503
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,640
If you say so.Oh, I do say so.
504
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,360
I'm quite the expert on them now.
505
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,200
Right.
506
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,440
And why are you showing me this?
I didn't order this.
507
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,880
Oh, I know you didn't.
508
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,000
I ordered it and I paid for it.
509
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,960
Oh, I see. Well, thank you,
but I don't want it.
510
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,680
Well, you're having it.
I got it for you.
511
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,360
Maybe next time just bake us a cake.
512
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,000
Honestly, I don't want it.
513
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,960
Well, I don't want it.
I've already got one at home.
514
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,880
Now I know why your curtains
are always drawn.
515
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,000
Sorry to intrude.
516
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,440
I'm Lucy.
517
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,240
Are you his wife?
518
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,440
For the time being.
519
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:47,400
Do all your family let themselves
into other people's houses?
520
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,640
Hi. And they keep coming,
don't they?
521
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,600
Have we all met?
522
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,720
This is Stephen
from the upstairs flat.
523
00:25:56,680 --> 00:26:00,840
Stephen, this is Lee, who's giving
away complimentary penis enlargers.
524
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,280
This is his friend who, actually,
I'm not 100% sure what he does,
525
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,000
but if he holds your testicles
and asks you to cough, be wary.
526
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,840
Stephen just popped over
to collect the package
527
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,200
that was delivered yesterday.
528
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,040
The one that was supposed
to be for him.
529
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,120
Welcome to the street.
530
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,520
We got you this.
531
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:43,400
We're not going out,
not staying in
532
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,320
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
533
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,320
But there is no need
to scream and shout
534
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,520
We're not going out
535
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,040
? We are not going out. ?
536
00:26:56,090 --> 00:27:00,640
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