All language subtitles for Not Going Out s10e05 Memory.eng

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

I've got to go, Mum.

I've got the house to myself
and I'm going to watch

my favourite TV show, Eyes Of Death.

Talking of which, send love to Dad.

Bye.

Ah.

Peace at last.

Sausages?

What? Sausages?

That's very impressive.

Do you want me to phone
Esther Rantzen?

If you want to keep telling
people you're only 32

you might want to update
your references.

I've just put sausages on.
Do you want any?

I ate with the kids.

Watching gravy go all over the floor
and not in your mouth

can be quite distressing...

..so that's why I prefer
eating with kids.

What did you have?
Toad in the hole. Ooh.

Was it nice?

I thought you were in the garage
fixing the car.

I tried, but that warning light
keeps flashing.

I checked the tyre pressure.
It's not that.

Checked the oil. It's not that.

Checked the water.

Checked the battery.

Have you tried recalibrating
the front suspension pads?

Nope because that is a thing you've
just made up to make me go away.

Of course, it might be
the warning light that's faulty,

but how would you ever know?

It's not like there's
a warning light

for a faulty warning light,
is there?

Maybe they SHOULD have a warning
light for the warning light.

Oh, but then you'd need a warning
light warning light warning light.

When does it stop?
Yeah, when DOES it stop?

It keeps flashing away.

It's one of those annoying things
that's difficult to ignore.

I tell you what it might be...

Lee, sorry, but I've really been
looking forward to this programme

all day, so do you mind if I just..?

Oh.

I'm sorry. I didn't realise.

What are we watching?

It's episode two so
it won't make much sense to you.

You won't enjoy it.

When did you watch the first one?

The last time I had
a whole hour to myself.

I think it was 1997.

Well, you can bring me
up to speed as we go along.

SHE SIGHS

Ooh. Is he meant to be blind?

Of course not.

Well, he's wearing dark glasses.

He's driving a car.

He should count his blessings
if he is blind.

He won't have to see the annoying
flashing warning light.

DOOR OPENS ON TV

Ah!

Look who it is.

Who? Him.

What's-his-name.

What? The one with the hat?
No, no, no.

I know the one with the hat.
That's, erm...thingy.

No, I mean the cop.

He's in that other one
that we always watch.

Right.

Ah!

God.

Fancy him being in it. Yeah.

Who would have thought that
a professional actor who has

an acting role in one programme
would also get an acting role

in another programme?

Well, it's his job.

You wouldn't point to a bloke up
a set of ladders with a bucket

in his hand and say, "Fancy that,
it's the window cleaner.

"I saw him cleaning some different
windows the other day. How weird."

Sorry, but it's just this is
quite hard to follow.

You have to pay attention.
There's lots of politics in it.

Right.

I'll shut up so we can concentrate.

HE CRUNCHES LOUDLY

What was that other politics one
that I gave up watching?

The news?

It's bloody irritating me now.
What is his name?

I don't know. You do. I don't.

Of course you do. That's right, Lee.

I know the actor's name,
but I'm deliberately withholding

the information so we can prolong
this conversation instead

of having a bit of peace and quiet
so that I can watch

my very special programme.

Oh, sorry, but it's right there.

I know it.
I just can't say his name.

It's really bugging me now.

You at least recognise him, right?
Yes.

He's that bloke off the telly
who I'm trying to listen to.

But he's not just off the telly.

He's famous off the telly.

He's not just someone
like Graham Carpenter.

I know you did that on purpose.

What? You want me to ask
who Graham Carpenter is.

Who's Graham Carpenter? Exactly!

He's not very well known.
That's my point.

He's off a DFS advert. Right.

Not him.

Graham Carpenter. I used to
play football with him.

He does a bit of acting
and he's in a DFS advert.

Please remember to get me his
autograph next time you see him.

Knowing Graham,
he'll charge you for it.

Although it would be with
four years' interest-free credit.

You know, because it's in
the deal... I got it. Right.

What is his name?

I can't believe I can't remember.
He's been in loads of things.

He was in that other one that
we watched with her that used to be in Coronation Street.

Oh, what's she called?

It's annoying, isn't it?

It's bloody infuriating.
Can we just watch it?

I think it's got a J in it.
Jesus Christ.

That's not it.

It might be Harris.

I thought you said J.
I'm doing his second name now.

It's an H. I'm sure of it.

Jesus H Christ?

I think it's something Harris...
Harry Harris? No. Keith Harris?

Keith Harris? It's not him, but
it's similar. I'm sounding it out.

Harri... Harris... Harrison.

Harrison... Harrison Ford.

Fordison...

Fordi... Fordi...

Oh, I'm going to kick myself.

You'll have to wait your turn.

It's doing my head in.

It's on the tip of my tongue.
I can't believe I can't say it.

Lee, are you seriously going to
spend the rest of this programme,

my programme, sitting there trying
to remember an actor's name?

I can feel it coming to me.

Harris... Harris...

Hesus... Jesus...
Oh, I've got Jesus in my head now.

That's your fault. Go with it.

Close your eyes,
move towards the light.

Harib... Harid...

Halib...

Haribo...

Oh, you know what?
I've just remembered who it is.

Peter Parkinson.

Who? Peter Parky Parkinson.

Very famous. Been in loads of
things. You're making it up.

He was in Carry On Up The Khyber
and won a Bafta

for Oops, Vicar, That's My Bum Hole.

I'm starting to think you
don't care who it is.

Lee, I don't give a monkey's,

but I do care that I'm five minutes
into episode two and I've already

completely lost track of
what's going on.

Well, pay attention.

DOORBELL DINGS ON TV

I bet that's him again.

ON TV: Hello.

Oh, it is.

No, sorry, I can't stand this.
I need to remember his name.

What are you doing? I'm seeing
who this bloody actor is

so you'll shut up.
Don't you dare tell me.

I need to remember it for myself.
Why?

Because I need to know I'm capable
of a simple task, like remembering

an actor that I know really well.

All right. You've got three seconds.
Three, two, one.

You're not Googling it either.

I'll remember in a minute.

Something will just hit me. Yes.

Don't mention him again.

I thought that woman was meant
to be an undercover copper.

She is.

So why's she wearing
a police uniform?

Because she's undercover
as a police officer.

She works for a different department
investigating that department.

They don't make it easy, do they?

It was so much easier
understanding it last week.

They're too confusing,
these programmes.

Stick to Casualty, I say.

You always know the bloke
who dies will be the one sticking

a metal fork in a toaster
at the start.

Do you know what I mean?
No, I don't know what you mean.

Go in the kitchen. Demonstrate.

I've got it!

Sarah Lancashire. What?

Sarah Lancashire, the woman that
used to be in Coronation Street

who was in the other thing
that we watched that had

him in it whose name
I can't remember.

Oh, what is the matter with me?
Let me write a list.

Look, maybe he's not even famous
and that's why you can't name him.

Of course he's famous.

He's chief investigating officer.

You don't give that kind of
responsibility to just anyone.

You give that to a Clunes, or
an Eccleston, or a Chiwetel Ejiofor.

That's annoying. How can I remember

the name Chiwetel Ejiofor
and not this bloke?

Oh, what's his name?

Not Kevin Whately, I know that.

John Simm, not him either.

It's not David Tennant,

or Robson Green.

Sean Bean...

Christopher Biggins,
Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rustie Lee.

What? I though we were listing
everyone it isn't.

Barry Gibb, Sooty.

I'm telling you, it's probably just

a bit part actor and not even
who you think it is.

Well, a bit part actor wouldn't be
in it so much, would he?

Well, he's not in it now, is he?
And he might not be in it again.

DOORBELL DINGS ON TV

ON TV: Hello.

Oh, God, he's back!
Let it bloody go! I can't!

Why can't I say his name?
I know him really well. What is it?

It's OK, please.
Please, have as many as you like.

See how many you can fit
in your mouth at the same time.

In fact, fit the box in as well.
Just stop talking!

I just don't understand
why I can't remember his name.

What does it matter?

No-one's holding a gun to your head
and if they were, it would be me.

You can't remember an actor.
Who cares? I care.

Why can't I remember? Well, maybe
it's not your fault. Maybe it's his.

Maybe he needs to be more memorable,
or have a higher profile.

Maybe he needs a new agent.

Perhaps you should have a word
with Graham Carpenter.

Ah, you see, you remembered
Graham Carpenter's name like that.

My mind, it can't hold on to things
recently. Really?

Because it's had a vice-like grip
on this bloody subject

for the last ten minutes.

Honestly, Lucy, I am worried.

I'm forgetting things
more often lately.

Like what?

Like...

I don't know, I can't think of
one now. Give me a moment.

I should be recording this
in case it comes up in my trial.

OK, sometimes, I walk into a room

and I can't remember
what I'm doing there.

That's completely natural.

I have that too.

Do you? Yes.

Every time you walk into a room,
I wonder what you're doing there.

Or I'll pick up my phone to check
something and I don't know

what it is I'm looking for. That's
normal, all these things are normal.

Or I put my underpants on
back-to-front

and when I go for a wee,
I can't find the fly hole.

OK, that one's just you.

And it makes you a very odd person,

but it doesn't mean
your memory's going.

But I never used to be like this.

When I was a teenager, I could have
told you every FA Cup winner

from 1972 to 1996,

and the goal scorers.
Do you want me to list them?

Of course I want you to list them.

You banging on about this actor
hasn't quite distracted me

from my favourite programme
enough and I'm looking for something to fill the void,

so of course I want you to tell
me who won the FA Cup in 1984.

Everton. Goal scorers,
Graeme Sharp and Andy Gray.

Now, ask me who won
the FA Cup last year.

Go on, ask me. Go on.

I don't want to. Why?
Because you'll tell me.

Go on. No! Go on, ask me.

Lee, who the hell won
the bastard FA Cup last year?

I have not got a clue, despite the
fact that I was probably sat here

watching it on that TV
less than 12 months ago.

I've literally no idea because
I can't remember. So what?

I used to be able to tell you
if Bananarama were number one

in the singles chart
every week. Nowadays, no idea.

Well, I hate to break this to you,
but I'm pretty sure they aren't.

Look, just think about it this way.

When you're a 20-year-old, you've
only got 20 years' worth of stuff

to remember. You can afford to
remember a load of trivia

like who won the FA Cup in 1977.

Man United beat Liverpool. Goal
scorers, Stuart Pearson, Jimmy Case,

and not, as everyone thinks,
Lou Macari.

It was deflected off the chest...
I don't care.

The point I'm trying to make
is that as you've got older,

you've subsequently watched
loads more TV programmes

and read hundreds more books...

All right, you've watched
loads more TV programmes.

..and you can't possibly
remember it all.

I suppose. Plus other things
come along in life, like a family.

Suddenly, you have to remember
what night's karate

and what night's swimming and what
colour bins go out each week,

which in your case is even more
tricky because you have to remember

which bins don't go out
because apparently it's funny

to see our neighbour copy you
and get it wrong.

Your brain has to make room for
all of this by forgetting

some of the other less important
things, like FA Cup winners

and actors' names.

If you can't remember
some trivial things on TV,

that's actually a sign that
your brain's working properly.

That's actually a good point.

Thank you.

I suppose, in a way, it's actually
more efficient to forget things

when you've got so many
other things to remember.

Exactly.

Like birthdays. No.

Let's not drag that up again.

You don't think it's because
I'm getting old? No.

But I tell you what is about getting
old. Having a crisis about things.

It's the same reason you freaked out
when you found those grey hairs

in the sink, and why you're
always poking at your belly fat.

Same reason you're always staring
in the mirror trying to tuck

your face up behind your ears.

It's not a competition.

So, it's not so much my memory loss
as a mid-life crisis.

Which is completely normal. And
less harmful than having an affair

with a younger woman.

To think it could be her missing her
programme right now instead of me.

Stressing about these things
just makes it worse.

Yeah, I suppose.

Under enough stress already
with all the hours I do at work.

Although I appreciate the work
you do looking after the kids

is just a stressful and hard work.
Do I have to say that every time?

I thought she was meant to be dead.

She is dead.

This is a flashback
to a happier time,

like before you sat down.

I don't like flashbacks.
They complicate things.

It's only a short step
from flashbacks to subtitles

and then I'm out of here.

Don't put the subtitles on.

DOORBELL RINGS ON TV

DOOR CLOSES ON TV
Hello?

George! Oh, bloody hell!

Sorry! I thought if I took myself
by surprise, I might get his name.

It isn't even George.

Is it? Maybe it is George... George?

Geo... Oh, no. It's not George.
I can't remember it is.

And do you know what? I actually
don't care because, like you say,

I've got far more important things
in life to worry about,

like March the 15th - your birthday.
Just showing off now.

So, I'd rather just watch the thing
and not even mention it ever again.

Good. Because if you don't let
this go, Lee, I will divorce you,

and I will name this actor in
the divorce, and then at least

you will know what his name is.

Totally understand.

If I mention him again, you have
permission to punch me in the face.

Don't be silly. I wouldn't enjoy it
as much with permission.

Sorry.

I mean it.

It's fine.

It's not.

I apologise for my behaviour.

All you wanted was a bit of me time.

I should have just shut up
and let you watch it.

Which I am going to do it right now!

Good!

Because otherwise, you are going
to feel my foot up your backside.

Ooh! So I AM getting
toed in the hole.

Please, Lee!
I know it's frustrating,

I know you are genuinely concerned,
but no more, OK?!

Good. Because you have
nothing to worry about.

Just because there's a history
of dementia in your family

doesn't mean you've got
anything to fear.

What?

What history of dementia?

Your family history of dementia.

That's what this whole thing's
been about, hasn't it?

No!

What the hell have you been fretting
about for the last ten minutes?

Well, not that, because I didn't
know anything about it.

So you're telling me that you'd
been worrying for no good reason?

And you're telling me I've been
worried for a very good reason?

I wish I hadn't said anything now.
Oh, don't worry -

give it five minutes,
I'll have probably forgotten.

So, come on, then! Spit it out!
Lee, I thought you knew all of this.

Your dad told us all about it
a couple of weeks ago.

You're saying that I had a recent
conversation about dementia

and I can't remember it.

You were watching the football
and not properly listening.

Well, what did he say?

Oh, I can't remember exactly.
Ooh, it must be contagious!

Look, he didn't go into details.

He said something about
your Uncle Barry?

Bonkers Barry?
What was wrong with him?

Wasn't that a clue in the name?

He seemed all right to me.
He died when I was very young,

but I remember he used to
sit me on his knee and sing me

old Irish lullabies. Well,
apparently he used to sit everyone

on his knee and
sing old Irish lullabies.

And not just family.

The postman, Jehovah's Witnesses.

Well, he mentioned it was
a bit of a squeeze on there.

And he mentioned your great-aunt?

Which one, Betty or Aunt Jean,

the one who kept a dead cat
for three weeks?

It was Aunt Jean, wasn't it?
Keep going! Any more?

Look, Lee, as much as I'm enjoying
this stroll down memory loss lane,

just because a family history of
dementia, it doesn't mean

it's going to affect you.

Look at your dad. He's fine.

You'll probably end up like him.

I think I'd prefer the dementia.

Anyway, these things
skip a generation.

I'll be wandering the streets
in me dressing grown at 4am,

asking policemen if they're
my husband, Trevor.

I promise you that won't happen.
How can you be sure?

Because you always told me that
if you couldn't look after yourself,

you wanted me to end it all for you.

We could play safe and do it now,
if you like, and then I can carry on watching this!

Yeah, well, maybe that's what we
should do. Take me on a one-way trip to a clinic in Sweden.

I think you mean Switzerland.

Do I? Oh, bloody hell!

Lee, there's nothing wrong with you!

So you're telling me there is no way
that I'm going to develop dementia?

No, of course I'm not.
No-one can tell you that.

Sooner or later, unless you're
hit by a bus, you're bound to develop something.

Whether it's Parkinson's,
diabetes or heart disease,

I haven't got a clue which one
of them is going to get you.

Oh! Thank you, Officer.
You've been very reassuring!

But if it's OK, I think
I'd like to jump now!

I can tell you one condition
you've definitely got right now,

and that's health anxiety.

Is that serious? Yes!

It is known to cause a severe pain
in the arse to everyone around you.

You're a hypochondriac.
No, I'm not!

What about the leprosy?

How was I supposed to know
what athlete's foot looks like?

And what about the lump
on your testicle?

What did it end up being?

My testicle.

OK, so I jump to
conclusions sometimes.

But this time, there's evidence.
DOORBELL RINGS ON TV

Oh, good - look who's back again
to torment me.

Right, I've had enough of this.

Don't you look up his name!
I'm not.

I'm finding a questionnaire that
I read about in a magazine recently.

Here it is. "Have you got
memory loss or dementia?"

Well, that's a bit full-on
for question one.

That's the title of
the questionnaire.

I don't think I want to know.

What if it tells me I've got
a serious condition?

Lee, it wasn't the British Journal
of Psychiatry. It was Woman's Own.

Peter Andre's a columnist. That's
how serious this magazine gets.

You go through your checklist
of symptoms, and it tells you

whether you ought to see a doctor.

OK. Fire away.

Right. Here we go. "Do you ever
forget names of people?"

Yes.

"Do you ever park your car
at a supermarket and struggle

"to find it afterwards?"
Every time!

"Do you ever make plans for future
dates and then forget the detail?"

Oh, my God! This is
absolutely describing me!

"Then you are perfectly normal,

"because everybody experiences
these lapses of memory

"at some time or another."

Right. Got you. That was the intro.

"However, memory lapses can
sometimes indicate something

"more serious." Now we start
the proper questions.

"Are you over 45 years of age?"

Yes.

"Do your memory lapses ever
put other people in danger?" No.

"Do you struggle to maintain
daily personal hygiene?"

We'll skip that one for now.

"Is there a family history..."
Oh, let's skip that one as well.

"Are you so far gone the others have
to fill in questionnaires for you?"

Right, your answer, then?

"Do you become confused in
everyday conversation?"

How do you mean?

How am I doing?

Let's just jump to
the quickfire round.

There's still
everything to play for!

They want you to name as many things
as you can in a certain category

within 30 seconds. If you could
name 10 in 30 seconds, that's good.

Cheddar, Edam, Wensleydale,
Dairylea Dunkers... Whoa!

You don't get to choose
the category.

So what's the category? Not cheese.

It suggests fruit and vegetables.

Well, if you can't do five a day,

you're not going to manage
10 in 30 seconds.

Right, there's a list
of suggestions.

How about insects?
10 insects in 30 seconds?

Easy. Good. Ready?

Hang on! Don't start it yet.

Well, it's not a 30-second test
if you get time to prepare, is it?

Go! OK. Insects, right. Spider.

No. What do you mean no?
It's not an insect.

Yes, it is! It's got eight legs.
It's an arachnid.

Oh, pardon me, Sandi...

Toksvig. I know!

Come on! There's plenty of
other insects to choose from.

A worm! That's not an insect either.
Come on, Lee - think of legs!

Centipede. That's too many legs.

19 seconds, and you've got zero.
Beetle! Well done!

You've got nine more
in eight seconds. Uh...

Come on, you're on the right lines
with beetle.

George, Ringo! Ringworm!

You're panicking! I know!

Buzz-buzz!
LEE GROANS

That can't be time up.

It isn't time up. That was a clue -
buzz-buzz! What?

TIMER BEEPS
Bee!

Too late. Now your time's up.

How did I get on?

Well, let's put it this way -

insects make up more than half of
all living things on the planet,

and you managed to name one.

Oh, great!
First actors, now insects.

There's probably an ambulance on its
way now, full of man in white coats

carrying giant butterfly nets...
Butterfly.

Oh, no! Don't worry there's one more
test to complete before we finish,

and this is the hardest one.

It says if you pass this one,
you're definitely in the top 10%

for mental acuity.

Go on. Ready?

Yes. In 30 seconds,

name all FA Cup winners
from 1972 to 1984.

Leeds, Sunderland, Liverpool,
West Ham, Southampton...

Oh, you made that one up!

Of course I made it up,
but the point is you know it.

Who the hell with dementia
would know that?

Oh, stop humouring me, Lucy.

This is exactly what you do
with confused old people.

For all I know,
you might be me granddaughter

pretending to be me wife.

In that case,
last night was a big mistake.

You remember last night, right?

Yes!
ALARM BEEPS

What's that?

It's the smoke alarm!

The sausages! I completely forgot!

See? You can't deny it now! There is
definitely something wrong with me!

Oh! There's always been
something wrong with you.

There's just nothing new
wrong with you!

What did that survey say?
"Do you ever put people in danger?"

Well, I've almost just
burnt the house down!

What the hell is the matter with me?

You're a bloody idiot,
but that isn't a medical condition!

LEE GROANS
Face it, Lucy.

You're married to a goldfish. I
can't remember my father telling me

that his side of the family tree
has got woodworm,

I can't remember how to make a
simple dish like sausages a la plate

and I can't remember the name
of James Nesbitt

when he's right in front
of me on a television screen!

ALARM STOPS BEEPING

James Nesbitt!

That's who it is!

LEE SIGHS

It's obvious when
you think about it.

Actually, when you
don't think about it.

Oh, maybe there's nothing wrong
with me after all.

Of course there isn't!

And who hasn't set off
a smoke alarm before?

Exactly! When YOU'RE cooking,
you use it as a timer.

James Nesbitt.

That's him talking to Claire Danes -

best known for her role in
the Fox TV drama Homeland,

which also stars Damian Lewis
and David Harewood. I am on a roll!

Can't tell you what
a weight off my mind this is.

It's a relief, innit?

What? Nothing.

Tell me. Oh, please don't, Lee!
I just want to watch the programme.

Lucy, what is it?

That's not James Nesbitt!

Yes, it is!

I know who James Nesbitt is,
and that is definitely not him.

Well, who the hell is it, then?

It's John Hannah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, Lucy,
I think my eyesight's going!

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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