All language subtitles for Not Going Out s10e03 Holiday Share.eng

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

I'm going to get you!

I'm going to get you!

Blimey, have you seen
Molly's Barbie doll?

No, what's the matter?

One of the kids has
drawn...something on it.

I think the word you're looking for
is nipples. Yeah, all right.

What? There's nothing wrong
with the word nipples.

There is when it's in the same
sentence as Barbie doll.

It's like saying your
Action Man's got chlamydia.

What type of action
has he been getting?

Don't you think it's a bit weird?

Well, maybe they should
have used a pink felt tip.

I've only ever seen
orange ones on Love Island.

They're a bit young for that sort
of thing, aren't they?

Benji, Molly?
Who drew nipples on Molly's doll?

Me. And why did you do that, Benji?

Because she took
my Match Attax album

and drew a willy on Harry Kane.

Why have my little angels suddenly
turned into Roy Chubby Brown?

Where are they off now?

To draw a foofoo
on Mrs Potato Head?

They're just a bit giddy
because they had RSE at school.

What, using the keyboards too much?
That's RSI.

Oh. RSE is relationship
and sex education.

Sex education? They're not learning
that already, surely? Yeah.

And you're all right with that?
I'm fine.

But you don't let them
watch Doctor Who?

Doctor Who is not the same
as the facts of life -

it's got nothing to do with how the
kids came to exist in the world.

Yes, it has. You got pregnant
with the twins

after we watched that Christmas
episode with the Cyberwoman.

They're far too young
for sex education.

Well, how old were you?
Well, we didn't have it.

I waited until I was a teenager
and learned everything

I needed to know from old
copies of Razzle.

I'm surprised you never got RSI.

I'm not happy about this.

Oh, do you want us to go and talk
to the teacher? Yes, I do.

It's Miss Anstice. No, I don't.

She doesn't like me.

Doesn't like you?
She doesn't know you.

If she knew you,
she wouldn't like you.

Oh, right, I'll make an appointment
to see her. Fine.

Let's go find out what filth this
pornmonger is forcing on our babies.

That's the spirit -
go with an open mind.

So, what questions
do you have exactly?

You don't need to raise your hand.

We just wanted to know, you know,
what exactly you're teaching them

during these lessons.

RSE covers a wide spectrum.

Reproduction is obviously one
of them, but also social themes

like emotional wellbeing,
families and, of course,

good bodily hygiene.

I don't expect you've got
a spare pamphlet, have you?

This week we were learning the
differences between boys and girls

and the correct name
for the body parts.

So that's why Benji keeps yelling
out about his...you know...

Penis?

Or testicles?

Do the kids get multiple choice,
or is it just me?

The children learn the correct name
for their body parts

to reduce the level of giggling
and smuttiness.

Well, there's another way
of reducing giggling and smuttiness.

How? Teach them maths
and English instead.

We are teaching them English -
with new words, like testicles.

And by teaching them
that boys have two,

that's the maths covered, as well.

Well, I see the importance
of using the correct terminology.

It could cause all sorts
of confusion and emotional turmoil

if the kids are all running
around using different slang words

for body parts. Oh, bollocks.

For example.

Exactly.

Wrong terminology.

Which they often
pick up from parents.

Oh, what's wrong
with having a willy?

I've got a feeling
you're going to tell me.

So what other things
are you teaching them?

In the next lesson, we begin
the module on human reproduction.

As the children put it,
where do babies come from?

Sex. Well done.

I might put you on
the good child rainbow.

I mean, just say it like it is -
you're teaching them sex.

No, we're teaching
them reproduction.

Is there a difference?

Would you like
to join us for a lesson?

You'd be surprised
what some parents don't know.

I know she doesn't look
well enough to have sex.

Why is there a picture of
a piglet's head over her whatsit?

I appreciate your concern, but
we feel that unless we teach them

from a very early age,
all kinds of playground gossip

gets embedded in their minds.

For example, one child recently
announced to the class

that if a woman fills a washing-up
bowl full of Coca-Cola

and sits in it,
she can't get pregnant.

Well, that's true, isn't it?

She needs to have sex, as well.

I told you she didn't like me.

Well, I didn't like you
to start with.

Give her a couple of decades
and a lot of alcohol...

I do not want that woman
teaching my kids the facts of life.

I bet she's never even done it.
Done it?

Why don't you put your finger
in your fist

and give me the full practical,
professor?

If she ever got a man into bed,
it wouldn't be reproduction -

it would be abduction.

Look, I know she's a little uptight,
but she's a good teacher.

You don't have a problem
with how she teaches geography.

No-one ever grew up to be
a crackhead or a porn star

because they were scarred
by a lesson on oxbow lakes.

So what next?

I'll tell you exactly what next.

You're going to drop this right now
and let her do her job.

Agreed? Oh, fine.

But I still think kids grow up
far too quickly nowadays.

No wonder there's so many
teenage pregnancies.

Just because kids understand sex,

it doesn't mean they immediately
rush out and do it.

You know what reading is.

Toby, you're a doctor.

I've got a rule on my day off.

If I can't see it without
you getting undressed,

I'm not looking at it.

It's about...sex.

Well, that's very flattering,

but can we wait until
my lemon muffin has settled?

When did your Jack start asking
about the facts of life?

Ah, a couple of years ago.

Anna bought him a book. What book?

A Harry Potter
first edition, I think.

Well, how did that help?

It didn't, it was
a distraction technique.

Stop him asking awkward questions.

When that didn't work, she bought
him a pair of Adidas trainers.

He may not know much about girls,

but at least he can run
away from them.

The twins have started
sex education at school.

Good. It's not good.

They should be waiting until
they're much, much older.

Yeah, let's not tell kids
about all that kind of stuff

until they're into their
second or third pregnancy.

They don't want any spoilers,
do they?

Why don't you talk to the kids
about the facts of life?

Because I don't want
them knowing about it.

Well, sounds like they're going
to know, whether you like it or not.

You might feel better
if it comes from you first.

And if they've only
just started the lessons,

they might not have been told about
all the messy, squelchy bits yet.

Are you definitely a doctor?

What did your dad tell you
when you were a kid?

I'm assuming he gave you the talk.

My dad? He only taught me
two things about sex.

One was to always check for
wedding rings and escape routes

and the other was
something about Coca-Cola,

which I now know to be bullshit.

So are you going to talk to them?

Yeah, why not?

I'm sure I can do this in a mature
and intelligent way.

Do you think I should get puppets?

Might be a bit much.

So where were we up to?

There's a mummy and a daddy and
they love each other very much.

Right. We're still only there,
are we?

So, when they decide
they want to have a baby,

the mummy lies...

She tells lies?

No, no.

She lies down next to the man.

Although I have had a woman
lie to me in bed.

I say woman -
turns out it was a man.

Know your audience, Lee.

So, the woman lies down
next to the man and...

..this next bit is going
to sound a little bit odd,

but they love each other very much,
so you've got to factor that in.

You've already said
they love each other.

Right, and they're married -
did I mention that? Yes.

To each other. Was that clear? Yes.

Good.

And they've got a mortgage

and they've got rid of his old van

and exchanged it for a nice sensible
five-door Skoda, so they are ready.

Ready for what?

To have a baby.

And how do they do that?

Well, they...

..have a lie down together and...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, nine
months later, the mummy has a baby.

Right, who wants to play on the PS4?

But how does the baby
get inside the mummy?

Right. Do you know?

Yes.

Tell us where babies come from.

You know puppies?
Are we getting a puppy? No.

Mummies make puppies? No.

When a daddy dog and a mummy dog
love each other very much...

Can dogs get married?

Yeah, sure.

How do their little
top hats stay on?

Never mind that.

When the daddy dog and the mummy dog
want to have a puppy,

they go into the kennel together.

And then what happens?

Well, the daddy dog,

he is very excited
about being in there.

And so he...

Actually, it's worse using dogs,
let's go back to humans.

This is so boring.

Exactly. It's really boring.

You won't have to worry about it
for a very long time. It's like...

Erm, I don't know, what's really
boring that only grown-ups like?

Ikea. Perfect example.

It's like Ikea.

Nobody wants to go to Ikea,
it's really boring.

But when you're older,
much older, and your body...

..changes and is ready
to go to Ikea,

you'll suddenly be really
interested in going to Ikea.

You'll be wanting to go
to Ikea every night.

Sometimes two or three
times a night.

Is that where you get
the seeds from - Ikea?

What? My friend Amy said you
need seeds to make a baby.

Right. Well, do you get
the seeds from Ikea?

Of course not.

So where do the seeds come from?

Oh, B&Q.

B&Q?

Making a baby sounds
like way too much shopping.

You're right.

I wouldn't worry about it
for a very long time. We won't.

And what's the most important thing
about this little chat

that I said
right at the start?

That mummies and daddies
love each other very much

and we are a very special
miracle of that love.

No, not that. The other thing.

Don't tell Mum we had this chat?

That's the one.

Can we get a puppy?

Oh, whatever you want.

Did she say why she wanted
to see us again? No.

She just said there'd
been some disruption

in the sex education class and she
wanted to talk to us one-to-one.

Well, maybe I should go,
otherwise it will be two-to-one.

So, where to begin?

Even before today's lesson on
reproduction we had problems.

During story time, a boy and girl
lay down next to one another

and Molly made them sit up in
case the girl got pregnant.

What, she thought if a boy lies down
next to a girl she'll have a baby?

No.

She thinks she'll have puppies.

And when I showed the class
this diagram,

Benji said I wasn't allowed to show
the class one of these

until they'd all bought
a five-door Skoda.

Kids, eh?
Where do they get this stuff?

Well, don't look at me.
They said from their father.

All right, now you can look at me.

Well?

Look, I just thought,
as a good parent,

I should be the one telling them
about the facts of life.

Without discussing it with me first?

I said I was a good parent,
I didn't say I was a good husband.

Well, your use of euphemism and
metaphor has given them quite

a vividly inaccurate idea
of human reproduction.

All right, I didn't use
all the right words,

but what was I supposed to do?

Take this home and go, "Oh,
look, kids, it's a vagina"?

No, you definitely
shouldn't have done that.

Exactly. Because that is the vulva.

The vagina is the muscular canal

that connects the vulva
to the uterus.

Look, I might not know
all the right words,

but I know enough
to teach the basics.

Are you sure about that? Yes.

You know, the eggs and
the seeds and all that.

OK.

So where do the eggs come from?

What?

I'm just checking you know
the basics.

You know, make sure we're teaching
the same curriculum.

So where do the eggs come from?

The woman.

Well done.

Can you be more specific?

Whereabouts in the woman?

You know...

I know, yes, do you?

The tummy.

The tummy?

The egg dispenser.

You mean the ovary?
That's what I meant.

And of course, they travel
from the ovary to the uterus,

via the...

What are these called?

F... F...

F... Filipino.

Oh, God.

And this?

How the hell did you
ever get me pregnant?

This is ridiculous, you don't
need to know the name

of all the engine parts to
teach a child how to drive.

And why are you teaching
them to drive?

Is that so they can nip out and buy
the seeds to get the woman pregnant?

You know, from B&Q?

You absolute knobhead.

Don't you mean penis cranium?

I'm not happy about her attitude,
I'm taking this to the head.

Knowing your anatomical knowledge,

you'll mistakenly take
it to the arse.

Talk about the blind
leading the blind.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well...

I might not know my technical
gubbins, but I know where all

the important bits are
and what you do with them.

Don't I?

Don't I?

Sometimes.

Sometimes?

Well, let's put it this way...

If you were a postman
delivering a package,

you know where the front door is,
but you're not exactly clear

on the location of the bell.

Where exactly is this bell?

About half an inch from where
you've been jabbing away.

Well, maybe next time
I'll leave it behind the bins.

So why haven't you said
anything before?

Oh, you're just so coy when
it comes to talking about sex.

I talk about sex.

Talking about sex is not, "Come on,
Lucy, we've got ten minutes

"before Deliveroo arrives."

Well, he always knocks.

What? I'm just saying, I'm not the
only one who can't find the bell.

So how come if I don't
know what I'm doing,

you always sound like
you're enjoying yourself?

Well, you know... No, tell me.

Well, sometimes it's real
and sometimes...

You're faking it?

Well, not all the time but,
you know, sometimes I'm tired

and you're in a rush because
you want to watch Line Of Duty.

I don't believe this.

Look, I don't always have time
to help you with all the moves.

Up, down, left a bit, right a bit.

Sorry, are we still talking
about making love?

Or winning on the grabber machine
at Blackpool Pleasure Beach?

Look, there's more to being a good
husband than just sex, you know.

Like what?

Grouting.

Grouting?

Yeah.

You're excellent at that.

And that's something
I can't do for myself.

Sorry?

Well, what do you think I'm doing
while you're watching Line Of Duty?

But they only saw it
on the X-ray ten days later.

What's up with you?

You normally love my
anecdotes about surgeons

accidentally leaving
tools inside people.

You know what we were
talking about before -

you know, sex?

You know it's worse if you whisper?

It makes everyone more interested
in what you're saying.

Perhaps you should start
whispering your anecdotes.

Do you ever worry that
you don't quite know as much

about sex as you thought you did?

Did Pointless do a round
on erogenous zones?

I always thought I had a good handle
on the way women's bodies work.

I'd done all the research in various
bus shelters when I was a teenager.

Turns out I might not be
all that in the bedroom.

Maybe you should try it
in the bus shelter.

I'm finding this difficult enough -

can you not just use it
as an opportunity to mock me?

And what did she say to that?

Sorry, carry on. I won't laugh.

Actually, is that what she says?
Forget it.

Look, no, sorry. Look, sit down.

You've never mentioned this before.

I never knew, did I?

Turns out, sometimes
Lucy...fakes it.

Well, there's nothing wrong
if it's sometimes.

It's the same in my
marriage, as well.

Anna sometimes fakes it?

No, I sometimes fake it.

I can't keep going like I used to.
My back isn't what it was.

Well, you'd feel different
if it was the other way round.

Well, I suppose that might help
keep my spine straight.

I mean, if Anna was doing
the faking.

Well, she probably is sometimes.

Oh, I don't know. Anna strikes me
as the kind of person

whose moans are always genuine.

Well, I think you're worrying
unnecessarily, but if you feel

really strongly about it,
it's never too late to learn.

Learn? I can help you.

I'm not wearing a wig.

Here's a list of books and DVDs.

How come you know all this stuff?
Homework from Anna.

She doesn't like any wishy-washy
time-wasting in that department.

I do my research, I have a map.

Clearly delineated targets
for a bombardment.

And a clear exit strategy.

I'm the Andy McNab
of clinical lovemaking.

Blimey, does she make
you wear a balaclava?

Please don't answer that.

MUSIC: Let's Do It
(Let's Fall In Love) by Rudy Vallee

Let's do it, let's fall in love

In Spain the best upper sets do it

Lithuanians and Letts do it

Let's do it, let's fall in love

? The Dutch in old Amsterdam do
it... ?

BUZZING

Think of Siamese twins

Those Argentines
without means do it

People say in Boston
even beans do it

Let's do it, let's fall in love

Sponges, they say, do it

Oysters down in Oyster Bay do it

Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams,
'gainst their wish, do it

Even lazy jellyfish do it

Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels, I might add, do it

Though it shocks 'em, I know

Let's do it, let's fall in love

And all sedate barnyard fowls
do it

When a chanticleer cries

Old high-hat owls do it

And they're supposed to be wise

The longest worms
on the walks do it

? Even little cuckoos
in their clocks do it... ?

DOORBELL RINGS

? Let's do it, let's fall in love. ?

MUSIC: Je T'Aime...Moi Non Plus
by Serge Gainsbourg

Well done.

Oh, that really is quite remarkable.

Yeah, all right, David Coleman.

Oh, oh! That's new.

What, the body part
or what I'm doing to it?

What you're doing to it.

Thank God for that.
I thought I'd found a growth.

I couldn't have done it better
myself.

Oh, hang on a minute.

It's getting a bit hot in here.

I couldn't do an eight-hour
shift in this.

Tell me, honestly,
that thing we did before...

What, with the thing? Yeah.

With the thing...

Were they real noises
you were making? Oh, yes.

Oh, wow.

I thought you had fur balls.

Wait.

Don't worry, I've got a spare jar
for the kids' breakfast.

The bedroom door.

Was it open before?

I expect you're wondering why
I've called you in again.

No idea.

Me neither.

Your children have been...

..joining in in class again.

I wrote it down to capture
all the lovely details.

Would you like to hear
what they said? Is it necessary?

We're more than happy
to just consider expulsion.

"When a mummy and daddy
love each other very much

"and want to make a baby,

"the daddy wears
a funny rubber face mask...

"..the mummy handcuffs him
to the bed so he can't run away,

"then the mummy puts on some
rubber gloves and tells him off

"for being very, very naughty."

Well, that's the last time
they watch CBeebies.

There's a lot more, some of it
really quite impressive.

I don't know where a mummy and daddy

would get fresh asparagus
out of season.

I think maybe the twins
must have been speaking to...others.

Vegetarians, by the sound of it.

I don't think we can blame
the vegetarians.

A saveloy was also mentioned.

Did the twins seem upset
by all of this?

More confused than anything.

Although Molly was a little
concerned about one thing. What?

Apparently, some mummies keep
a rabbit in their bedside drawer.

And she's worried it'll suffocate.

If she's worried
it'll suffocate in there,

it's a good job she doesn't know
where it's headed next.

Well, we're sorry that they
interrupted the class,

and we'll talk to them.

Please do.
I think perhaps we should go.

Of course.

You're clearly very...busy people.

All I wanted to do was protect
the children's innocence

and I've ended up doing
the complete opposite.

Oh, don't worry.

We put the kids straight
with our little chat.

And anyway, it's good that we faced
up to it and talked to them

in a sensible and grown-up way.

By pretending we were
playing cops and robbers? Yes.

Daddy had just stolen Mummy's
big pink electric toothbrush,

so she arrested him and sentenced
him to a great big tickle fight.

And Mummy stubbed her toe and that's
why she was making all those noises.

And why she had to put her toe
in...in Daddy's mouth.

Maybe we should also pretend
that I stubbed my... No.

Oh, well.

There is one silver lining.

At least the postman knows
where the doorbell is now.

And anyway, I'm sorry
about all of that. How do you mean?

Well, I might have slightly
exaggerated your fumbling

because I was cross with you

for talking to the kids
without telling me.

So I was never that bad
in the first place?

Not really.

In fact, it's your grouting
that's actually rubbish.

I'll take that.

Lock the door.

Oh, yeah.

We're not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there's no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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