All language subtitles for Not Going Out s08e06 Marriage Guidance.eng

? We're not going out Not staying in ?

? Just hanging around
with my head in a spin ?

? But that is no need
to scream and shout ?

? We're not going out ?

? We are not going out. ?

OK. Bye.

- That was Mum.
- Oh, they're back from their holidays?

Yeah, they just got home.
It was a lovely break.

Certainly was, but we can't
keep them away for ever.

Where did Grandma and Grandad go?

They went to Venice.

It's a place in Italy with lots of canals.

I know that.

I know you do, sweetheart,
I was telling Daddy.

It was a special present from all of us
for their wedding anniversary.

50 years. Isn't that amazing?

Certainly is. Your mum deserves a medal.

It's only the "Till death do us part" line
that's keeping her hanging on in there.

Anyway, they're coming around in a bit
to tell us all about it.

Already? They've literally just got back.

- Sorry, is that a problem?
- No. But they are here quite a lot.

Not as much as you.

Actually, I've just remembered,
I've, er... got to pop into work.

- On a Sunday morning?
- Yeah.

Of course. I was forgetting you're
the Archbishop of Canterbury(!)

You're going to be here, and you'll listen
to their holiday stories,

and look at their photos
and smile politely.

Lying and avoiding my parents.

I don't know which one is worse.

Oh, it's definitely your dad.

So, how are you?

Yeah, all fine.

Apart from the usual, Lee
always trying to find an excuse

to nip out when certain people
he has an issue with come around.

- Where is he?
- He's nipped out.

I mean my parents.

It's like he tries to avoid
having anything to do with them.

Sounds like you two are having
a few problems.

Oh, no, just letting off steam.

It's OK, Lucy, you can talk to me.

This might come as a bit
of a surprise to you,

but, just between us,

my marriage to Toby isn't exactly perfect.

No?!

I know. We put on a show
of being this ideal couple,

all sweetness and light.

The truth is, at times, I can be
a little bit abrasive towards Toby.

At times?

I mean, abrasive?

But recently, we decided
to try and improve things,

so we've been for some marriage
guidance counselling.

- Really?
- I have to say, it's been amazing.

I've been talking about things
more, vocalising my feelings.

I'm really opening up.

Wow! What about Toby?

Yes, he comes along, too.

Really, Lucy, you should try it.

Us? Oh, we don't need marriage guidance.

Why not? It would help you get
to the bottom of these issues

he has with your parents.

Look, I can see your marriage
isn't in trouble,

but why wait until it is?

Look at it this way, if you found a lump,

even if you were almost certain
it was nothing serious,

you'd still go to the doctor, right?

I suppose.

Well, in your marriage, there's a lump.

Right.

And I'm quite sure it's absolutely
nothing to worry about,

but it's still worth getting checked out.

You know, on the off chance
it needs to be removed.

Yeah. Thanks for the advice,
but have you ever heard the phrase,

- "taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut"?
- Yes.

Well, I'll probably just do that instead.

Venice was beautiful.

Yes, we loved it.

The food, the architecture. We had
all kinds of new experiences.

Oh, what's Dad doing in this one?

He's smiling.

- Look at this one of Dad.
- That's interesting, Geoffrey.

I never realised you
showed up on photographs.

- So, thank you both.
- Oh, don't be silly.

If you can't put your in-laws
on a plane and send them

1,000 miles across Europe,
what pleasures do we have left?

So... 50 years of marriage.

Come on, then, what's the secret?

Oh, there's no great secret.

If you want to stay married, don't
get divorced and don't die.

So don't leave Lee and don't kill him.

We're not underestimating
the size of the challenge.

Well, we probably should be leaving.

Is everything OK, darling, with you two?

Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?

You know we're always here.

Yes, I know you are, and so does Lee.

Bye-bye, darling.

What? I did what you asked.

Really? I don't remember asking
you to make smart-arse comments.

I thought I was quite restrained.

When your mum said that gondolier had taken
her up the Grand Canal, I didn't say a word.

Anna popped around earlier.

That reminds me, the freezer
needs defrosting.

- She told me something quite surprising.
- Oh, really?

Don't tell me, one of her
servants has got rickets?

She and Toby are having
marriage counselling.

And that surprises you?

If I was married to Anna,
I'd want counselling.

I say counselling, it would be
a bloke with a megaphone

telling me to step away from the ledge.

She suggested it might be
good for us to give it a go.

Unbelievable!

Why is it every fad that Anna
picks up, you have to follow?

Pilates, spiralizer, Fitbit. I hope
they never get mauled by tigers,

you'll have me over the fence at Whipsnade
with a pocketful of sausages!

We're fine!

I know we are, but Anna
and Toby were totally fine once.

Why wait until we really need it?

I don't need a colostomy bag,

but it doesn't mean I'm going
to get one fitted just in case.

A counsellor is not the same
thing as a colostomy bag.

Oh, I don't know, I think
there's a key similarity.

Why would you want to copy Anna and Toby?

Who'd want a marriage like theirs?

I don't want a marriage like Anna
and Toby's, I want a marriage like...

Like...?

Oh, I don't know.

Like your mum and dad,
that's what you were going to say.

Where are you going?

To get something to keep polar
bears away from that freezer.

Obviously, they're not
a problem at the moment,

but why wait until we really need it?

- So, how have you been?
- Fine.

Yeah? Everything OK?

Fine.

How's Anna?

Fine.

What do you pay when
your library books are late?

Is there something
you're trying to ask me?

Let me put it another way,

but you promise to tell me
if I'm being too cryptic.

OK.

How's the marriage counselling going?

That is supposed to be confidential.

Yeah, but surely I'm allowed to tell you.

Well, since you know about it anyway,

yes, we have been going to see someone.

So, what are they like, these sessions?

Well, it's not my kind
of thing at all, really.

But at least I get to list
all Anna's faults.

Well, not all her faults, obviously,
the sessions only last two hours.

So, what kind of things
do you talk about?

Everything.

We even have to talk in far too
much detail about our... sex life.

- What kind of things do you say?
- Do you know what, next time,

I'll have a laptop at the ready
so you can join in via Skype(!)

Counselling or the sex?

So, er... how bad had things got
before, you know, you decided to go?

Well, things weren't great.

But at least the counselling
has improved things a bit,

you know, in terms of the arguing

and the sleeping in the spare
room, of course.

Is that where you were
before the counselling?

No, that's where I am now.

Before the counselling,
I was at the Premier Inn.

- Things must have been awful.
- Well, there's no room service,

but it's clean and the showers are good.

And Lenny Henry always
cheers me up at breakfast.

This is terrible!

Well, thanks for your concern,

but, like I say, we're
working things through.

I don't mean for you, I mean for me!

Lucy wants us to go, but she must
think we're in a right state

if she wants to talk to someone who deals
with couples who are that messed up.

Remind me again why we're friends?

Look, it's fine.

The way I see it is this -

marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

And like a marathon, you
have to keep on going,

drink as much as you can,

and keep telling yourself
over and over, "This will end".

Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.

Ah. You ready to go, Anna?

Or are you too busy discussing more
personal details of our marriage?

What is it this time?

Telling Lucy that I like to keep
my pyjamas on during sex?

No. She didn't mention that.

And why would she? It's a made-up example.

Exactly. Because, as we know, Lucy,

despite their wonderful marriage
counselling, they never have sex.

No, they're having a lot more sex
since counselling, actually.

I think you'll find they're
in separate bedrooms, actually.

Yes, but they have an arrangement
on Wednesdays where they...

All right!

I think I preferred it when you
were talking behind my back.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry, too, Toby.

I hear what you're saying

and I acknowledge that you're
annoyed with me.

I shared information about our private
life without your consent

and without considering how that might
make you feel.

OK.

Well, I hear what you're
saying, too, Anna.

I appreciate your apology.

I should have understood
that sometimes you need to share

your feelings with friends.

I apologise, too. I shouldn't have
tried to stifle your conversation.

Eurgh!

We should be going.

Thank you for being so honest with us.

It won't go any further.

Of course. And best of luck for Wednesday.

See? Impressive, right?

Impressive? It was like watching
two Daleks trying to mate!

At least their problems
are discussed, Lee.

Unlike the one you have with my parents.

- We're nothing like Toby and Anna.
- Of course we're not!

But counselling's improved
their relationship in all sorts of ways.

You heard, they're having more sex.

Well, are you prepared to give it a go?

If it's what you really want, then,
yes, I'm prepared to have more sex.

What about the counsellor?

I'll have to see a picture of him first.

Have you done any marriage
counselling before?

No. You?

- And what made you come to counselling?
- Her.

He only came because I promised
him a McDonald's on the way home.

- So, you're here reluctantly?
- A bit, yeah.

I think our marriage is fine.

And the way I look at it,
if it ain't broke,

charge it �70 an hour and it soon will be.

Can we not discuss money, please, Lee?

I'm sorry.

Forget the embarrassing discussions
about money, let's just talk about the sex.

That's not the first time
he's used that line to a woman.

That's a joke.

Lee's never paid for sex.

We've got three kids, you always
end up paying for it in the end.

So, why did you want
to come here today, Lucy?

Um... you were recommended to us
by our friends, Toby and Anna.

You know them, right?

I'm afraid I can't discuss
any of my other clients.

I wouldn't admit to that one either.

That would be like saying you
were Shane MacGowan's dentist.

I don't discuss anything
that happens in here at all.

It's all confidential.

Confidential. You could learn from that.

- What does that mean?
- You, discussing our marriage with Anna!

Some things are supposed to be
kept between a husband and wife.

Right?

You're not paying me
to judge or point the finger.

Oh, that's extra, is it?

I only talked to Anna because you
and I don't discuss our problems properly.

Like your attitude towards my parents.

Here we go. Right, you want me
to discuss things, I'll discuss things.

Lucy thinks I have
an issue with her parents,

but the real issue is that she puts
their marriage on a pedestal,

which means she then has
unreasonably high expectations

about our own marriage, and when
we fail to meet those expectations,

she sees it as a failure,
rather than what it really is,

which is the normal tensions that exist
in any loving, happy relationship.

Especially those that don't idealise
their perfect parents' marriage.

- What?
- Well, you asked me to do this properly.

But you weren't supposed
to think about it in advance.

That's cheating!

Does any of Lee's account
strike a chord with you, Lucy?

Well, I suppose I do see my parents
as having the perfect marriage.

When I was growing up, it
was always a very happy home.

And what about you, Lee,
when you were growing up?

Way ahead of you, Doc.

Classic broken home, which, to some,
might suggest an unhappy upbringing,

which led to me having personal
relationship issues as an adult.

But it's actually the complete opposite.

It enables me to value what Lucy
and I have in our own marriage

and makes me less likely to compare
our perfectly happy marriage

with anybody else's.

Maybe you need some one-on-one
time with my wife.

Shall I pop out and get
us all a coffee?

Or maybe it's possible that Lucy,

who comes from a place
of security and warmth,

is more able to vocalise these bigger
questions about your relationship

because she's not afraid of it
causing bigger problems.

Whereas you fear addressing
anything you consider unpleasant

due to your own deep-rooted anxieties.

You what?

How do you get along with Lucy's parents?

Her dad hates me.

It takes two people to make
a bad relationship.

Fair point. Her mum doesn't
like me much either.

Of course they like you.

You talk about them not liking
you, but maybe you don't like them

because of what they represent.

The secure and solid marriage

that you didn't have
around you growing up.

Perhaps Lucy's parents
aren't judging you at all.

Perhaps you're judging yourself.

Hang on. Can we go
out and come back in again?

Yes, I'm going to recommend
you come several times.

No chance. You'll have me
saying I've got desires

to set fire to things
and sleep with my mum.

Oh, I've had enough of this!

Lee, can you sit down, please?
This is progress.

No. I came here on the express condition
that it would be a complete waste of time.

If I'd known it'd be worthwhile,
I would have never agreed to it!

So, you didn't enjoy it?

No, I didn't, and it's all your fault.

- Why?
- Because you've been in there.

You know how awful it is, and you
didn't stop me from going.

This is like Lord of the Dance
all over again.

I didn't exactly recommend
the counselling.

No, but you didn't warn me
that it'd all turn out to be my fault.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, that's right.
It's all me, apparently.

It doesn't mean she's right.
I mean, you're a doctor,

I bet you've made the odd
incorrect diagnosis.

Course I have. I'm not infallible.

But put it this way, if I had
a patient who owned a crocodile

who came in complaining of lower limb pain

and carrying his foot in a plastic
bag, I wouldn't diagnose mumps.

Maybe it's time you made some changes.
I know Anna has.

Exactly, Anna's made the changes,
which means I'm the Anna.

I'm the baddie, I'm the evil one,
I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.

Keep going.

The counsellor said we needed to think
of new pet names for each other.

Look, I know I was sceptical
about the counselling,

and I still am, but I can't deny
it has improved my marriage.

We're sharing a bedroom again.

Really?

Well, Anna has it the first
half of the week...

...I have it the second. But it's a start.

Yeah, well, like I say,
with all due respect,

me and Lucy are not as bad as you two.

I know.

Because if counselling can't help you,

you are worse than me and Anna.

You are worse than me and Anna.

Sorry, it's just not a sentence
I get to say to people very often.

What are you reading?

Really? The Dummy's Guide
to Telepathic Communication.

Oi! No, I will not, cheeky,
I've just brushed my teeth.

Look, I've been thinking,
about your mum and dad.

I already know what you
think of my mum and dad.

Hang on, this is a positive thing.

Go on.

It's true that I don't feel
comfortable around them.

I always thought it was because your dad
was a miserable old sod

who always put me down and expected
everyone to do what he says

and that your mum is also a bit
stuck up in her own sort of way.

Can we print these lovely
words on a cushion

and give it to them for Christmas(?)

But, like the counsellor says...

...maybe it's possible

that I'm threatened by how strong
their relationship is.

And so...

I hear what you're saying,

and perhaps I should start
feeling less threatened

and start admiring them a bit more.

Are you after sex?

No.

Obviously, I'm not
completely ruling it out.

- Go on.
- Excellent!

I mean, keep talking.

Oh.

And so I've decided to make
more of an effort with them.

And I'm going to start by cooking
them a celebratory anniversary meal.

Lee, this is really great.

But can you do me a favour?

Don't mention any of this marriage
guidance stuff in front of Dad.

He thinks it's a sign of weakness
to have semi-skimmed milk.

Course.

Maybe this counselling
is having a real effect.

Good night.

I wish I'd saved this
chat for a Wednesday.

Thank you, darling. We feel very spoiled.

First Venice, now this.

Don't thank me, thank Lee.
He did all the cooking.

I loved the croutons.

They were mushrooms.

And it wasn't just the cooking,
the whole thing was Lee's idea.

Well, I must say, that's very
uncharacteristic.

Careful, Dad, you almost
gave Lee a compliment.

Oh, I'm quite capable of giving
compliments when I want to.

Well, I'm around all evening.

If I were a cynical man, I'd say
you'd done something terrible

and now you were trying to make up for it.

- Dad!
- It's OK, Lucy.

I hear what your dad is saying.

I am trying to make
up for something, Geoffrey.

Lost time with you and Wendy.

Perhaps if I spent more
time with you both,

I'd learn what it takes to have such
a long, fulfilling and wonderful marriage.

My God, he must have done something awful.

Ignore him. I thought this meal
was wonderful, and so does Geoffrey.

Look at his face!

Why don't you two go and make
yourselves comfy and we'll clear up?

Well, this is going well.

Look, I know Dad can be a bit gruff.

It doesn't matter to me
what Dad says or thinks,

what matters to me
is how you're reacting to him,

and you're being really lovely.

Sorry to just land on you like this,

but we were just passing
and thought we'd say hello.

Yeah, nothing at all to do with Anna
wanting to hear about your counselling.

Of course not.

But now that Toby mentions
it, how did it go?

Well, um... we weren't sure at first,

but I have to admit, the results
are pretty impressive.

How many sessions have you had since?

Same as you, just Wednesdays.

Counselling sessions.

Just the one. But I've booked
us in for another.

- Have you?
- Well, I thought that's what you'd want.

Thank you.

Don't forget, someone's still owed
ridiculously undersized McNuggets

and a bit of limp lettuce.

Is there anything you haven't told
them about our sex life, Anna?

I'm talking about McDonald's.

As you were.

Look, I'm sorry to be rude, but Mum
and Dad are here at the moment.

We invited them over for dinner.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise. Of
course, we'll leave you to it.

It's just that Dad's a bit
old-school about this sort of thing,

so I'm really trying to avoid him finding
out we've been having marriage guidance.

He'd probably say something like...

Marriage guidance? What
the hell are you talking about?

Something like that.

It's, um... Anna and Toby.

They've been going for marriage guidance.

Going through a rough patch.

Keep spreading the word, we're not
quite trending on Twitter yet.

You weren't talking about them, you
were talking about you and Lee going!

Oh, um...

I knew it! I said he'd done
something wrong, didn't I?

Dad, all sorts of people go
for marriage counselling.

It doesn't mean we're in trouble.

Rubbish! It's for marriages
in jeopardy, that's what it is.

The word jeopardy isn't very helpful.

Unless you're playing Scrabble, of course.

So, come on, then, what's he done?

I'll tell you exactly what he's done.

He's made an effort to do something
really nice for you and Mum

and you've thrown it back in his face!

Yeah. I'm glad I didn't
get you that lawnmower.

He's never made an effort before.

He must be trying to atone for something.
So, what is it?

- Nothing!
- Yes, leave Lee alone!

- Shush, Wendy.
- Don't shush me!

Not everyone who goes to marriage
guidance has done something wrong!

For goodness' sake, woman,
stop sticking your nose in!

Not everyone is like you
and your little floozy!

Floozy, another good Scrabble word.

Not as good as jezebel, but...

- What floozy?
- Nothing. Ignore me.

OK. Huh! Can I tempt anyone to an olive?

What, that wasn't her name, was it?

Dad?

It was nothing. It was just
a couple of lunch dates.

Three lunch dates,

one evening at a Berni Inn
and a Demis Roussos concert.

I'm going to take a punt
and say this wasn't recently.

Course it wasn't recently,
it was many years ago,

before you were even born, Lucy!

Absolutely nothing physical
happened, and... and you know it!

I'd never have come if I'd known
Brenda was going to be dragged up.

What, you mean she was actually a man?

- Are you enjoying this?
- No!

Lucy, it was nothing,

and, to be quite honest,
it's none of your business!

Geoffrey's right, what he did
all those years ago is his affair.

- Well, not affair, I mean...
- Shut up!

No, I will not shut up.

I'm doing what you asked and showing
some interest in your parents.

We wanted to know the secret
of their wonderful marriage, now we do.

Oh, my God, you actually
are enjoying this!

Course I'm not.

We had some problems, but we dealt
with them and we moved on.

At least I thought we'd moved on.

That was the whole point
of those sessions.

- What sessions?
- We had some marriage guidance.

Ha! I'm still not enjoying this.

What do you mean, "Ha"?

Well, you know, marriage
guidance, your perfect parents.

I hoped you'd never find out about it,
and you wouldn't have done

if somebody hadn't opened their big mouth!

Oh, typical! I tell you about his fling

and he's more embarrassed
about having counselling!

Good job I didn't mention the pipe
he started smoking during that time

because he thought it made
him look like a poet!

Ha! All right, I enjoyed that one.

Oh, come on, you've got
to admit, it's quite ironic.

We only went to marriage guidance
in the first place to be more like them!

You're using this as a weapon!

So what if they had a bit of counselling?
It's no big deal!

I agree. At least they went
for a proper reason.

- Your dad had an affair.
- How many times...?

I don't know, Geoffrey, is there
others we don't know about?

I should knock your block
off for that comment.

Typical! Never content
until there's a squabble or a ruckus!

Don't mention Scrabble again.

Unbelievable!

Great, I'm getting more
grief than your dad!

Maybe I should have had an affair
and I'd have got off lighter!

Have you got her address?

I'll go down to the nursing
home and wheel Brenda out.

Maybe I can borrow your pipe!

Let's all take a moment
to acknowledge what's been shared.

Lee, I hear what you're saying...

Oh, shut up, Anna!

I beg your pardon?!

If you had kept our business
private in the first place,

instead of telling the whole world,
none of this would have happened!

I don't need permission
to speak from you, Toby.

I am bloody sick of holding my tongue

just to protect your so-called feelings!

Well, I hear what you're saying

and you can stuff it up your jacksie!

Wait for me!

So... where were we?

I was just saying,

how's the marriage guidance going?

Well, that went well(!)

I would book into the Premier Inn,

but Toby and your dad
got the last two rooms.

Look, I know you're angry,
and you've got a right to be.

I should have been more sympathetic.

I was a bit too busy enjoying
your dad being knocked off his perch.

Schadenfreude.

It's when you take pleasure
in another person's misfortune.

It's fairly well-known.

Is it like when you're pleased because you
know a word that somebody else doesn't?

Because we can all play that game.

Bastian Schweinsteiger.

Look, I've said I'm sorry.

I must have missed that.
What language was that in?

Before, when I offered you a Jaffa Cake.

What did you say?

I said, "Do you want a Jaffa Cake?"

That was the apology?

Come on, I put them on a plate,

you must have been able
to read between the lines.

Anyway, I do apologise, and I mean it.

I should have considered your feelings.

And I think I owe you an apology, too.

Turns out my parents aren't
so perfect after all.

They're doing all right, and so are we,

especially after we go
for another counselling session.

Oh, can we not?

Can we just work things
out on our own from now on?

I'm glad we went. It made
us talk things through,

and that's all I ever wanted.

Course.

So I guess there's nothing else left to do
now apart from have sex and move on.

Actually, I'm a bit tired.

Good night.

I wonder what time
that McDonald's drive-thru closes?

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