All language subtitles for Not Going Out s07e08 Plane.eng

? We're not going out

? Not staying in

? Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

? But there is no need
to scream and shout

? We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

Have you looked at this
thing? It's terrifying.

I'd never have got on the
flight if I'd seen this.

It's only the emergency
instructions.

It's the drink prices.

I'm not going anywhere near the
emergency instructions.

I don't want tips on how to die in
a plane crash, thank you very much.

I've told you, you're a thousand
times more likely to die crossing

the road than you are
in a plane crash.

Oh, that's not true.
Isn't it?

Well, think about it. Crossing
the road is quite safe.

Whereas being in a plane crash
is really quite dangerous.

Planes are extremely safe.

Unless you're crossing
the road in front of one.

We're far more likely to die in the
taxi on the way to the hotel.

So, if you die taxiing down the
runway, does that count as both?

Oh, God.
Can we please stop talking about death?

If you're nervous, distract
yourself. Do some reading.

Reading? How do you expect
me to be able to read?

Try sounding out each letter and use
the pictures to help you guess.

This is part of the reason why
I'm nervous in the first place.

I've told you, it's nothing.

The newspaper says the threat's
only gone from grey to brown.

My underpants could
have told you that.

There are thousands
of flights every day,

and there hasn't been a terrorist
attack for a very long time.

OK.

So we're due one any day.

If I'd have known you were going to be this
nervous, I'd have told you to take a pill.

Airlines don't like you taking
lots of pills. Or drink.

My uncle did both.
Got into big trouble.

What happened?
They sacked him.

He was a pilot?

No, my family aren't that
irresponsible, thank you, Lee.

He was in air traffic control.

If you're not going to read the
newspaper, read something else.

You can read my book if you like.
It's all about the fear of flying.

You've not got a fear of flying.

Give it a chance,
I'm only halfway through.

Can't you just relax and look
forward to the holiday?

Oh, yeah. A week in a
former Communist Republic.

You're the one who said you
wanted a budget holiday.

I meant Pontins or
Butlin's, not Stalin's.

They don't even know the Cold
War's over, where we're going.

Even the hotel's a two Stasi.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doing?

I'm putting my bag away.
What, in the overhead locker?

No, Lee, on the roof rack.

You can't stand up on a plane.
You'll unbalance it.

I beg your pardon?
It's a scientific fact.

Well, I didn't think it
was a chat-up line.

I tell you what, if you're
acting this nervous now,

God knows what you'll be like
when we actually take off.

There's a good tip in my book
here, Lee, "Find others who"

"share your fear, so you
can support each other."

Perhaps you should chat to him.

Who?
That man over there.

The one sweating and clutching
his bag like his very life

depended on it.

Why's he holding his bag like that? Why hasn't
he stowed it in the overhead compartment?

Maybe he was worried he'd
unbalance the plane.

He looks very twitchy.

Maybe he's a first time flyer.

Yeah, or a first time terrorist.

He's not a terrorist.

Unless he's a suicide bomber.
Then it might be his first time.

We've been sat on this
runway for half an hour.

I reckon there's something wrong.

There's nothing wrong. They're just
doing important last-minute checks.

If they're important, why have
they left it to the last minute?

I'm pressing the button
for the stewardess.

Don't press your button. They hate
people who press their buttons.

It's true, Lee.

The stewardesses get really annoyed
and switch on the turbulence.

I'm serious, Lee, don't press
your button, they don't like it.

All right. I'll press your button.

Fat lot of good it does.
They just ignore it.

Lazy sods, the lot of them,

they just want to sit on
their backsides... Hello.

What can I do for you?

Yes, what did you want to ask, Lucy?

You pressed the button, sir. I saw you.
Great.

Nothing like being spied on by an
East European in a uniform to

make you feel relaxed.

OK, so you don't do sarcasm.

Look, just between me and you,
why haven't we taken off yet?

OK, just between me and you,
one of the wings is a little loose.

Right. I'm getting off!

You see, I can do sarcasm.
There is no problem, sir.

Then do you mind me
asking what the delay is?

It's probably just a
routine security alert.

Hang on. What do you
mean security alert?!

Sir, to summon me,
you do not grab me.

Sorry.

Sorry. Could you put my
friend's mind at rest

and explain what a security
alert means exactly?

What do you think it means?

It means there might be
a terrorist on board!

Lee, let her speak.

Thank you.

It means there might be
a terrorist on board.

Oh, God!

But I assure you there is not.

I am sure you have read about the
security alerts in the newspaper.

Six months this has been going
on. They are always false.

'Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Captain Morris.'

'Apologies for the delay there,
but you'll be pleased to hear'

'that everything is now
clear and we can take off.'

What did I tell you?

Sorry about my friend.
He's not a very good flier.

That's all right.
Neither is the pilot.

See? Sarcasm.
It is good, yes?

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are now
cruising at 35,000 feet or so.'

'Once again, sorry for the
slightly bumpy takeoff,'

'hopefully it didn't cause
you too much alarm.'

That was awful.

I thought something was coming
away from the undercarriage.

The plane's fine.

I'm not talking about the plane.

You're not very good
at takeoffs, are you?

Oh, I don't know. I can do
a reasonably good Bruce Forsyth.

Don't panic, don't panic.

No, I think that's Clive Dunn.

Oh, God.

Lee, it's fine.
It's all in your head.

Exactly. Unless you're one of those
people that can tell in advance

when there's going to be a disaster.

A psychic?

A terrorist.

Can you two both stop saying
the word terrorist?

It's one of those words you're not
supposed to say on a plane,

like gun, or bomb, or...

Everyone get down before I
blow this crate to pieces!

That's another one.

That bloke still hasn't
stowed his bag.

I reckon he's got
something inside it.

He's probably just got a sneaky
bottle of booze for his nerves.

Yeah, or maybe he's got a knife.

Don't be stupid.

You're not allowed to take
sharp objects on planes.

I wondered how you got
through security.

Did you see that? He's just
taken his bag to the toilet!

He might have a bomb!

I reckon he's going in
there to light the fuse.

Light the fuse?

Where did you learn about terrorism,
from an episode of Danger Mouse?

All right, assemble a bomb.

I've seen them do that on films.

Well, I've got a theory - and bear
with me on this one, because it's

going to sound crazy - maybe he's
going in the toilet... for a wee.

How can you be so calm?

There might be an
explosion any second.

You're forgetting
I share a bathroom with you.

Can we please talk
about something else?

I know what we can do!

Let's all join the mile high club!

What?

Go on. It'll be fun.

Daisy, do you know what
the mile high club is?

Yes, of course I do.
I'll get us started.

I spy, one mile high, something
beginning with G.

It's people having
sex on aeroplanes.

Well, for starters, that
begins with the letter P.

I am not sitting here
playing stupid games.

I'm going to check him out.

All right?

This your first time?

On a plane, I mean, not the toilet.

Why do you ask this?

I just thought you
looked a bit nervous.

I thought may you were nipping
in there for a quick, er...

That's a drink, by the way.
I don't mean...

If you are, that's fine.

Maybe the bag's full of
lots of pictures of naked

East European women draped
over farm equipment.

And if that's the case,
that's fine by me.

Are you going to come
into the toilet with me?

Why not? If it's just number
ones, we could double up.

Leave me alone.

Maybe I could hold
on to it for you.

I mean, hold on to your bag.
I mean, that bag.

Please, let go of the door!

OK, fine, but this door
is very thin, you know.

I'll be able to hear everything
you're doing in there,

especially with my ear
pressed up against it.

You know what, I think
I'll wait till later.

Oh, hang on, what's that?

What's what?
In your bag.

What did you see?
Nothing.

Tell me, what did you see?

A box. With "cartridges"
written on it.

They are ink cartridges
for a printer, you idiot.

I am a stationary person.

Well, not actually strictly true.

You're moving at about 600mph.

I thought you needed the toilet.

No. I just came to stretch my
legs, get a breath of fresh air.

Good God, what are they
feeding that child?

That was quick.

What happened?

I think he got wind.

I did ask.

I mean, he knows I know.

Knows you know what?

He's not a bomber.

Right.

He's a hijacker.

What?
I saw a box in his bag with "cartridges" written on it.

Well, it might just be ink cartridges.
That's what he said.

You're an idiot.

He said that as well.
I've got to report this.

Have you got the number for Ryman's?

What the hell is
the matter with you?

I am stopping the potential
hijacking of an aeroplane.

How nice to see that
it's you again, sir.

Sarcasm?
Of course.

You need to go and search
that man over there.

What?
I'll explain.

Lee followed that man
to the toilet after

we discussed joining
the mile-high club.

I'll deal with this, Daisy.

That man aroused my interest,
so I followed him to the toilet.

I got chatting to him outside,

but he wouldn't let me go
inside the toilet with him.

I'm telling you, you've got a
very suspicious character

on-board this plane.

I am very aware of that.

You know we can have you
removed from the flight?

Fine. If you have to
land, that suits me.

Who said anything
about landing first?

Please, just go and talk to him.

He's got something
suspicious in his bag.

Well, of course,
now you have reported it,

I must do something about it.

It is the rules.
So thank you for that.

Why is it always the English?

Well, at least we shave our
armpits, you racist.

Happy now?

What if he gets really
angry and shoots you, Lee?

He won't know it was
me that told her.

Well?
I am afraid you are mistaken, Mr Sherlock Houses.

This man sells office supplies.

Are you sure you didn't see a gun?

Sir, had I found anything I
could use as a deadly weapon,

believe me, I would be
standing here with it now.

Well, it's good that we got
all that sorted, isn't it?

We can just sit back now
and enjoy the flight.

Fancy a drink?

STEWARDESS: Don't!

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Oh, I love Tom and Jerry.

Perhaps I shouldn't press me button.

I don't want her using my
arse as a bottle opener.

Ooh, shampoo.

Why pay for two bottles when
you can just steal and go?

Idiot! Idiot!

You don't speak to me like this.

They said they were sending a
professional. But look at you.

Trembling like a child.

Yes, I am nervous.

But it will not stop me
completing the job.

You are drawing suspicion.
The man was on to you.

Who?
The idiot. Sitting in 24C.

The one with the ferret face.

He is not a problem.

I have dealt with people like him before.
Oh, really?

And what if he had told the other
passengers you were a hijacker?

Did he?
No. He is stupid, so he only told me.

I told him you were carrying
office supplies.

Good. So we no longer
have a problem.

Perhaps now you can complete
the job properly.

BANG

Lee, why are you sprawled
all over me like that?

Sh! It's all right, I'm wide awake.

And that's supposed to make
me feel better, is it?

Sh. Keep your voice down, otherwise
the terrorist will hear us.

Oh, God, not this again.

It's definite this time.

I went into the galley bit
and I saw them talking, him

and the stewardess.

And I saw the gun,
right in front of me.

What, and they didn't notice
you stood there listening?

I was stealthy like a ninja.

Oh, right.

So we're about to get
hijacked, but it's all right,

because The Middle-Aged Mutant
Ninja Tortoise is on board?

If all this is true, why the
hell didn't you take the gun?

Cos I accidentally made a noise and I had to scarper.
What noise?

I opened a bottle of champagne.

A common ninja mistake.

Have I missed anything?

Yes, there's a hijack plot.

The stewardess is involved
and he's got a gun.

What about the breakfast menus,
have they been round yet?

Champagne, sir?

No, thanks.

Are you sure?

Yes, I never touch the stuff.

It's got to be genuine
Lambrini for me or nothing.

Well, anything you need,
just let me know.

Right, no-one is ever that
nice to you. What's going on?

I've told you what's going on.

There is a terrorist on
board and she's in on it.

I swear to God, Lucy, I
am not making this up.

Oh, my God.

What are we going to do?

We should do exactly what they tell
us to do until they let us go.

And what if they don't let us go?

What if they start making demands and
shooting the passengers one by one?

Have a guess who
they will start with?

It won't be me or Daisy,

because they always let
the women go first.

Shock can be a terrible thing, Lucy,

it can make a person come
across as a heartless bitch!

OK, look. We have to tell someone.

Yeah, but who? There must be more
people involved than just them two.

Think about it. They managed to
smuggle a gun in their bag.

They must have someone
on the inside.

No-one can be that small.

I mean other people
involved. Like cabin crew.

Or even people higher up.

Do you think Richard
Branson's involved?

We can't trust anybody.
Do you understand? Nobody.

Don't listen to him, Lucy.
He might be part of it.

You can trust me.
Oh.

Actually, there is one other person
we can trust - the Captain.

If he was in on it, there'd be
no point in having a hijacker.

That's true. Nobody
burgles their own house.

Nobody touches themselves up.

All right, nobody
burgles their own house.

How do we tell him? You can't just
walk into the cockpit these days.

I've got it!

You ask him to open the door
and then you say

you're a nine-year-old boy
with an incurable disease

and seeing inside the cockpit
would be a dream come true.

And what happens when he opens the door?
How do I pass this off as a nine-year-old boy?

All right, hideous disease.

Look, I'll just tell
him straight, even if

I have to shout it through the door.

Yeah, what happens when the man
hears you and he starts shooting?

You're right. We have
to get the gun first.

And how the hell do we do that?
Simple.

All we need is a fishing
rod and a giant magnet.

You distract him and I grab the bag.

And how do we do that?

You're both women.

How about some good
old-fashioned flirting?

All right, you sort it
out for us, then, big boy.

Not with me! Flirt with him.

And what about the stewardess?
We need to distract her, too.

Oh, that's easy.

Not like that!

Can I help you?

Erm...

Yes, do you have a fishing rod and a
giant magnet that we could borrow?

Sorry to bother you.
Can I have a drink, please?

Anything fizzy, in a bottle.

I've got an idea.

Right, so we all know what we have to do?
Yep.

OK. Pretend you need the toilet.

Right, that's me off
to the toilet then.

OK. Enjoy yourself.

I certainly intend to.

Excuse me. Hi. Sorry to bother you.

But my friend and I
can't open this bottle.

And you seem like a big, strong man.

That wasn't much of
a diversion, was it?

You were supposed to shake it.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Oh, sorry, my mistake.
I thought you were on fire.

Your poo stinks!

I don't think I'll get it
all with three napkins.

Daisy, can we have some more?

More napkins.
Oh.

Excuse me, could we have
some more napkins, please.

I'm afraid there's been
a little accident.

Always the English.

Well, at least we shave our...
Not now, Daisy.

I am so sorry. I can't
apologise enough.

It's fine.
No, I'd really like to keep apologising.

Please, stop. It is fine now.
No, not there yet. I've left a little.

Hello? Captain Morris?

Hello? Who is that?

I'm a passenger on the plane.

What do you want?

Can you let me in first?
Then I'll tell you.

I'd rather you told me now.

All right.

I have to sit at the front or
otherwise I get travel sick.

Go back to your seat, please, sir.

Just open the door.

If you don't go away, I will
have to call for a steward.

OK, I'll get straight to the point.
This plane's going to be hijacked.

I've got the gun, so you need
to let me in there right now.

Hello?

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me the plane is
being hijacked, you've got a gun,

and you want me to let
you into the cockpit.

Yes, please.

I think I'm going to have to say no.

Just let me in there!

Or what?

Or everyone's going to
die. So open the door.

And more importantly,
keep very quiet.

ALARM SOUNDS

'Security alert. All crew
to the cockpit, please.'

'All crew to the cockpit, please.'

Just let me in!

I'm telling you, stay calm
or we're all going to die!

SCREAMING

That's not helping.

Stand back!

No, you stand back!

I'm warning you! I've got a gun.

Right. You asked for this...

Oh, God, Lee, please don't
say it was a banana all along.

He had a gun in his bag - I saw it!

Maybe he's eaten the
real gun by mistake.

You mean this gun?

Ha! See! I mean - Oh, God!

Move away from the door.
No.

I will count to ten.
That doesn't frighten me.

And then I will shoot
you in the head.

Admittedly, that's a bit more scary.

One. Two. Three.

Has anyone ever told you sound like
that vampire off Sesame Street?

Four. Five. I will shoot
you if you don't move.

Six. Seven.

You'll shoot me anyway. I know
how you hijackers operate.

Eight. Nine...

What? I am not a hijacker.
You're the hijacker.

No, I'm not.
You're trying to break into the cockpit.

To warn him about you. You're
the one pointing a gun.

Because I am an Air Marshal.
Secret Service.

What?

I am on the plane because of
the increased security alert.

To prevent an attack.

But I overheard you
saying he was a hijacker.

No, I said you thought
he was a hijacker.

So who's hijacking the plane?

Everyone hit the deck.
I'm taking this plane to Rio.

Only joking.

So why didn't you tell me
you were Secret Service?

Because then I would
not be Secret Service.

I would be
Tell-everybody-all-about-it Service.

So why've you been
acting all nervous?

Because I am scared of
flying, all right?

An Air Marshal who's
scared of flying?

Tell me about it.

You might just be telling me
all this to put me off.

You mean because I am so desperate
for you to put the banana down?

OK. Fair point.

Careful, it's loaded.

With carbohydrates.

Oh, sorry about all the
inconvenience. Still, no harm done.

We'll probably chuckle
about this afterwards.

If only you could have done
that before we took off.

Well, holidays are
all well and good,

but I don't think you've
truly experienced a country

until you've spent ten days
in a police holding cell.

Well, it was good for your language skills.
That's true.

Now I know how to say

"No, you pick up the soap"
in four different languages.

It wasn't that bad.
Not for you and Daisy, no.

You spent the whole time staying
with the British Ambassador.

You stink of Ferrero Rocher.

And as for the flight back home...

Well, that was just unlucky.

It's not my fault they sat me next to a man with
a nervous twitch and a bag full of alarm clocks.

? We're not going out

? Not staying in

? Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

? But there is no need
to scream and shout

? We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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