All language subtitles for Not Going Out s07e03 Donor.eng

Yeah, not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

Yeah, not going out

? We are not going out. ?

And you're absolutely
sure about this?

Of course. And I'm flattered.

You don't think it's wrong?

It's the most natural
thing in the world.

I'm a guy, you're a girl.

So I am! I wondered what these
things were doing here.

Oh, Mike, I feel like my whole life
has been leading up to this moment.

Ahem.

I thought tonight was poker night.

So did he, by the look of him.

Anyway, thanks again,
Mike, for everything

and I'll see you at work tomorrow
and we'll chat some more then. OK.

Bye.

Why do I suddenly
feel like a gooseberry?

Because you're bitter
and nobody really likes you?

Who was that?
He's just a guy from the office.

What do you think of him, though?

He's all right, isn't he?
Nice features. Good build.

Sorry, are you thinking of
sleeping with him or listing him on Rightmove.com?

I'm not going out with him.

I told you,
he's just a guy from work.

A guy from work who you want
to know if I find attractive?

Either you've got designs on him,

or you're thinking of roping me
into a threesome.

You've got the wrong
end of the stick.

Don't start giving out positions,
I haven't agreed yet.

Mike's going back home to Australia
next month to live.

I'm not having any
kind of relationship with him, OK?

OK.

I'm just having his baby,
that's all.

You're having his baby?

Yep.

You mean you're doing some
baby-sitting for him?

No.

You mean Baby is the name
of his dog, which you're having

when he goes back to Australia?
No.

You mean you're learning
to play the clarinet,

you just accidentally got every
word in that sentence wrong?

I suppose I have to tell
you at some point,

I've decided I want a baby.

I'm not in a relationship,
so Mike is providing the sperm.

That's it.
Since when did you want a kid?

I've always planned on having
a baby eventually,

but recently I've been thinking
it might never happen. Why not?

Well, you know, tick, tick, tick...
What, because you've got ticks?

I mean I'm not
getting any younger, Lee.

I don't want to end up childless.
I want a baby.

Now.

With some bloke from work?

I initially thought of using
an anonymous sperm donor,

but I don't know,
it all felt all too impersonal.

I want to know what they look like.

They all look exactly the same.
They're like little tiny tadpoles.

Not the sperm, the man.

I know a lesbian couple who involved
a male friend this way

and it worked for them.

Who'd have thought I could ever hear
that sentence and feel unhappy?

There's nothing sexual about this,
Lee. I'm not sleeping with Mike.

He provides a sample at the clinic
which is frozen

until I go in to receive it.

Oh, so that's why Mum's gone
to Iceland.

You hardly know him!

That's the whole point.

I don't want him to have anything
to do with the baby.

It will be purely a functional,
unemotional, biological process.

Phwoar! Keep talking, C-3PO.

Or would you rather I shag him?

No. Good, because I'm not going to

and I'm not doing it the other way
either. It's disgusting.

What other way?
You know, the old turkey baster.

No, I don't think I've met that one.
Just the Aussie.

I approached Mike a few days ago
and explained my situation.

Told him I was worried
about getting older

and wanted to take
things into my own hands.

Lucky Mike.

Is this what you're going to do,

listen to what I'm saying and then
make childish double entendres? No.

Mike's planning to help me.

This is a real chance

and I'm not going to let it slip
through my fingers.

Once this is done,
he'll be out of my hair for good.

Well, I don't know much about these
sort of things,

but if it's in your hair, you
might want to ask him to try again.

You don't know
anything about this person,

the child could grow up to be
an alcoholic or a psychopath.

Or even worse, that kid could
grow up to be an Australian.

Imagine that,

wearing flip-flops at a wedding
and stinking of charcoal and fish.

Look, you and the Aussie might
be in agreement about all this,

but there's a third person
who doesn't get a say.

Yes, I know, and of course
I've thought about that

and yes, it'll have an unusual
start in life,

but lots of children have...

Hang on, you're talking
about yourself, aren't you?

Why, who did you mean?

Oh.

What if Mike comes back
from Australia, changes his mind

and wants to
assert his parental rights?

Hmm? I mean, have you got
a contract?

Mike's doing me a favour,

I can hardly ask him
to sign a contract at the same time.

Well, I'd be impressed if he could
sign a contract at the same time.

I struggle to even keep
hold of the remote.

Morning.

Eggs done the natural way.
Nice change.

Look. What you told me came
as a shock,

that's why I reacted
the way I did.

Since then, I've slept on it and
seen things from your point of view.

And? And...

I still think you're completely
BLEEP mental.

However, I will be respect
your decision whatever you decide.

So if I do go ahead with this,
you'll support me?

Can I just clarify,
when you say "support",

do you mean in a moral sense,
as a friend,

with no financial help or time
commitments whatsoever?

Yes. Of course I'll support you...

..but, if you go ahead and do it,

I still think you'll be making
a huge mistake.

Well, believe it or not,
your opinion does matter to me.

I don't know Mike that well

and I don't know what
he might want to do in the future.

Like you say, I don't even
know where I stand legally

with something like this.

So you're not going to go
ahead with it?

No, I'm still going to go
ahead with it,

I just don't want the sperm donor
to be someone I hardly know.

Actually, thinking about it,

that Mike fellow did
seem like a decent bloke.

Only you were right.

Great swimmers, the Australians.
He'll have sperm like salmon.

I'm asking you to give me

the most precious gift a man
can give a woman.

Oh, I don't know. Debenhams gift
vouchers are pretty good.

All I'm asking is for you
to think about it.

You can always say no.

All right.
No, I won't think about it.

OK, fine.

I understand. Good.

I mean, it's a really big favour,

isn't it, to ask you to put
a bit of sperm into a dish and then

have absolutely nothing else to do
with it for the rest of your life?

There's more to it than that, Lucy.

You are asking me to be a dad.

No, I'm not.

There will be no commitment
or involvement whatsoever.

That's not what a dad is.
It is in my family.

There must be somebody else you know
really well and trust.

There isn't. What about your brother?

Oh, no, maybe not.

You made me realise last night that
it has to be someone I'm close to.

It can only be you.
There's no alternative.

Of course there's an alternative.

The alternative
is you don't have a baby.

You're right. That is
the alternative, I suppose.

Don't have a baby.

Don't fulfil my dreams,
grow old, childless and alone...

Oh, not the tears.

Why does everything with you come
back to bodily fluids?

Please, Lucy, stop crying.

All right, I'll think about it.

Will you?

Yes. Just stop the tears.

Oh, thank you,
thank you so much!

Hang on, I haven't agreed yet.

I don't know how I feel about giving
my sperm to a woman

without sleeping on it first.

As long as you consider it,
that's enough.

I wish you were always
this positive

every time I thought
about knocking one out.

Lucy's gone out of her mind,
completely lost touch with reality.

Well, it all makes sense to me.

I rest my case.

I mean, she's not getting any
younger. She's not Jenson Button.

Benjamin.

She's not thought any of this
through properly - pregnancy,

supporting a kid,
being a single mum.

Well, she won't be a proper single
mum because she'll have you.

Exactly. It's all well
and good saying I won't be involved,

but I will be, won't I? So why have
you agreed to think about it?

Because I just couldn't say no
to Lucy's little crying face.

Yeah, but be careful.
What if it has got YOUR face?

So what are you going to do?

I don't know. I can't just say no,
it'll break her heart,

and I'm definitely not saying yes.

But if she's not expecting any
involvement from you,

I don't really
see what the problem is.

What if she dies in a car crash?

Well, that's one way out of it,
Lee, but that's quite extreme.

I mean, after the baby's born.

Then I'd have to be its dad,
wouldn't I?

Or what about when the baby grows up
and it wants to hang out with me?

Oh, don't worry. Once it gets to
know the real you, it'll stop.

So what are you going to say?

I'm going to say no.
It was always a no.

Well, at least her
parents will be happy.

How do you mean?

Well, they definitely want her
married before she has kids.

And blimey, with you as the father,

Geoffrey would have gone ballistic!

He would, wouldn't he?

Daisy, you know what you are?
A genius.

Guilty.

I don't have to refuse,
I'll get Lucy's dad to do it for me.

Eugh! Not that.

I mean, I'll make sure her dad
never allows it.

Daisy, I love you.

Oh, careful. I don't want you
getting me pregnant too.

I've been to the shop.

I bought you some lager and an
extra-large bag of Monster Munch.

Do you really think I can be swayed
on such an important decision

by something as trivial
as beer and crisps?

Yes.

What flavour Monster Munch?

So have you reached a decision?

Yes.

Well, come on then, spill the beans.

What, here?

Just tell me.

Yes. You can access
my precious bodily fluids...

Oh, Lee, thank you, thank you
so much. That's wonderful!

Hang on.
There's one small condition.

You name it.

No, I'll let you do that.
It's your baby.

Go on.

We have to get your mum
and dad's blessing first.

What? Sorry, Lucy, I can't do this
unless I know they approve.

But I wasn't planning
on telling them yet,

I was going to wait
until I was pregnant.

That way there's not a lot
they can do about it, is there?

That's true, and I'm sure your dad
will find ways

to take his mind off it,

involving some rope, a heavy
rock, my bollocks and a bridge.

I mean it, Lucy,

my crotch is producing nothing
without your dad's thumbs up.

Don't hold on to that as an image.

OK, if it's so important
to you, then yes.

I'll invite all three parents
round tomorrow. All three?

Were you the result of some freak
parenting technique as well?

My mum and dad and your dad.

My dad? I wouldn't bother inviting
him, what help is he going to be?

Well, I suppose he could provide
the magazines.

You're probably right.

He'll probably turn up drunk
or say something inappropriate

and the last thing
I need is for my dad to start

criticising your gene pool.

Actually, maybe we should
invite my dad.

I mean, after all,
he's got an equal right to know.

OK, whatever you like.

You know, this'll be a real shock
to them, but I suppose

if I can change your mind,
I'm sure I can win them over too.

Over the years, I think they've
actually grown quite fond of you.

Not a bloody chance.

Well, sorry you feel that way,
Geoffrey,

but we respect your decision.

Thanks for coming, everyone.
Hang on. We need to talk about this.

What's the point?
You dad's clearly made his mind up.

You'll impregnate my daughter
over my dead body.

Well, it might ruin the mood a
little bit, but if you insist.

Don't you want me
to have children, Dad?

Not mutant Frankenstein children,
no.

I don't see why you'd want to go
through with it either, Lee.

You take your...

sample and put it in some cold,
sterile piece of apparatus...

That's no way to
talk about your daughter.

You've not started without me,
have you? Geoffrey,

Wendy - looking foxy as ever.

Sorry about my dad.
Runs in the family.

As if eczema
and diabetes wasn't enough.

I got your message, Lucy, love,
but it was a very bad line,

it kept breaking up.
But I've got the basic idea

and can I say,
I am honoured you asked.

Sorry? The answer is yes,

I would love to be
the father of your child.

I've actually asked Lee
to be the donor, Frank.

Oh. So what am I doing here?

I wanted your input.

What, like a...like
a mix of the two?

Something old, something new?

I'm going to be sick.

She means your input
into the discussion, Dad.

Oh, I see.
Well, I think it's a good idea.

Finally putting your hobby
to good use, son.

I fail to see the point
of this discussion.

Look, I understand your objections,
Dad, but I want this

and Lee wants to provide the sample.
Well I'm sorry, Lucy,

but I don't approve and I intend
to do whatever I can to stop this.

What are you going to do,
castrate him?

Come on, Geoffrey, don't slam
the door on them straightaway.

Look, Geoffrey. It were Lucy that
asked Lee to do this.

I don't see why he can't take
the opportunity to make

a few quid out of it. There's no
money exchanging hands, Dad.

What?

You're giving this away for free?

Have you gone mad?

The offer's come off the table.
Good.

We'll take our Lee's sperm to
someone who appreciates it.

Might I suggest London Zoo?

I believe they're running
a gibbon-breeding programme.

What's that supposed to mean?
What does it sound like?

It sounds like you're a bloody snob
who's saying

my son is not good enough
for your daughter.

Of course he isn't good enough!

I doubt even the gibbon
would agree to it.

Don't listen to him,

Lee, nobody would be good
enough for his little Lucy.

Hundreds of men would be
good enough. Thousands!

Ooh, some days
I feel like a princess.

Just not this way,
and certainly not with him.

Well, perhaps I don't want my family
breeding with yours.

Family? You don't know what
the word means.

At least our family stays together.

How dare you?

I think we all need to calm down.

If I were ten years younger...

You mean ten foot taller.

Don't you threaten me,
sunshine, or you'll regret it.

Bloody toffy-nosed git.

This is the bloodline you want
to perpetuate, is it, Lucy?

I'll perpetuate your bloody
bloodline in a minute...

EVERYONE YELLS AT ONCE

Stop it!

What's the matter with you all?

None of you care about my feelings,
do you?

You're only bothered about how
it affects you lot.

I just want to have a baby,
is that so much to ask?

Now look what you've done.

Sorry, Lucy, love.

I don't know what I was thinking.

If you want Lee's sperm,
help yourself.

Take as much as you like.

Free refills, as far as
I'm concerned.

Mum? Her too, if she wants some.

Darling, if you're sure this
is what you want,

I won't stand in your way.

You have my full support.

Thanks, Mum.

Hang on, Lucy. We said both parents.

It has to be both,
that was the agreement.

Agreement?
What are you talking about?

Lee said he'll only go through with
this if he has your blessing, Dad.

That's how much he respects you.

Really? All right then, Lucy.
I'm listening.

Look.

I know you've always seen Lee as
feckless, lazy, a waste of space...

A scrounger, occasional thief -
don't forget those.

..but the fact he's even
offering to do this

shows what a good friend he is.

Well, that's a fair point,
I suppose.

Please, Dad.

I really want this.

Oh, stay strong.

I'm trying.

No, I mean your dad.

I suppose we have always
wanted grandchildren.

Yeah, but think about how
we'll be doing it.

Not the natural way,
no intimacy at all.

Yes, that makes it a little
more palatable.

Are you sure this is what
you really want, Lucy?

Yes. Lee definitely wants
to go through with it?

Of course he does.

You won't pull out
at the last minute?

If that worked,
Lee wouldn't be standing here now.

Then you have my consent.

Oh, hang on, "consent".
That's not the same as "blessing".

No, you're right, Lee. There's no
point going in to this half-cocked.

Are you doing these deliberately?

You have my blessing.

Off.

Ah, yes. You're here
to donate for Lucy Adams?

Yeah.
Unless you do vasectomies at all?

Am I right in assuming you've
never done this before?

You've led a sheltered life.

I mean at a clinic.

No, I haven't.

Well, it's very simple.

You go in that room there
and you provide us with a sample.

A sample? Yes.

Sorry to be crude,
but I can't give a sample.

It's going to be all or nothing.

Yes, thank you, we'll take it all.

Can I just check...

What happens after I've gone in
the room? I don't follow.

I'm glad to hear that.

I mean, erm...

..do you check it?
What do you mean?

Well, let's say, hypothetically,
somebody puts...

You know, I don't know, a sachet of
Timotei shampoo in the jar instead,

is that something you'd notice?

We would be able to tell, yes.
There's a big difference.

Is there? Yes.

Timotei stings when
you get it in your eyes.

Right, press the button
when you're done

and then that will be your
first donation.

First?

Yeah, we find eight
is about the right number.

Eight?
These magazines had better be good.

You donate over of
a couple of weeks.

Oh.

Nearly done.
Any drugs or medication?

No, a cup of tea will be fine.

Are you taking any drugs
or medication?

Oh. No, why?

Well, if you had said yes,
we might not have been able

to accept your donation.

Now you tell me.

We run a psychological assessment
for similar reasons.

You mean if I didn't pass,
you might not let me donate?

That's right.

Fire away.

Are you of sound mind?

Erm...yes.

Excellent. Well, if you want
to go into the room?

Hang on. Is that it?

Ask me if I've killed a man!

Like I say, press the button
when you're done.

Haven't you got any shot glasses?

February 2004.

This magazine's probably
had about 50 kids by now.

Hi. My name's Jeanette.

Oh, great, my mum's name. Today's
just getting better and better.

I think it's time for you
and me to have some fun.

All right.
How does KerPlunk grab you?

Oh, well, in for a penny,
in for a good old pound.

What do you want to do today, lover?

I actually want to run away
screaming.

I don't want to be
the father of a baby.

Anyway, what choice do I have?

Come on, Lee, you can do this.
Get in the zone.

That's it, baby, work it.

Oh, God.

Keep giving it to me!

Why didn't I just say no?

That's it, lover boy.

It's not fair.

Come on, Lee,
don't let my daughter down.

I mean it.

Good God, this is specialist stuff.

You've got a job to do.

That's all I need,
my subconscious popping up.

Come on, Lee, focus.

You're so hot and I'm so horny.

In fact, I've got
something for you in here.

You'll be great, son.

As long as she doesn't come
after you for money...

Get out, get out!

You want to see some more?

Why, who have you
got in your gusset? My Uncle Pete?

You're not having second thoughts
about being a dad, are you, big boy?

I once saw John Craven in ASDA.

Sorry, was I meant to say
something about babies?

A BABY CRIES

Ahhhh!

Leave me alone!

Yes?

Everything all right in here?

Fine.

Sorry to disturb you.

Oh, who am I trying to kid?

I can't do this.

Don't worry.
This happens to a lot of men.

The trick is not to put too much
pressure on yourself.

I'm not looking for tips
on technique.

It's no good.

There's too much at stake.
I can't...

You know. It's very common,

some men have to return several
times before they're successful.

In fact, I've even heard of a few men
who never manage it at all.

What, you mean like it's
a recognised condition?

Well, there's no actual name for it.

No, but I'm sure
we can think of one.

Cautious Gonad Syndrome?

Yeah, it's quite common, apparently.

I'm sorry, just let me clarify this.

You're telling me you were unable
to masturbate to pornography?

Yes.

Well, that was a waste of all that
hard slog on the training ground.

Lee, you promised.

I'm sorry, Lucy, but the nurse
said that there are some men

who simply can't do it under those
conditions and never will.

There's nothing we can do.
So that's it, is it?

I'm afraid so.

Such a damned shame, I was really
hoping to help you with this.

There's only one thing for it, then.

Forget the whole thing?

No, Lee.

We have sex.

I...what?

You heard.

I went to the clinic. I did my best.

We had an agreement. We did, yeah,
but you didn't keep up your end.

It will just be simple,
non-emotional,

very functional intercourse.

The sooner we do it,
the sooner it's over.

I can't tell you how much this
is turning me on, by the way.

It'll be just like it is the clinic
only we cut out the middleman.

That's the whole point. The
middleman won't do what he's told.

If it's cold and clinical
it still won't work, will it?

Is that right? Yes, it is.

Well, I must say, that is a very
convincing argument.

Right...

Take your clothes off.
Bottom half only, if you like.

Socks off though, show some respect.

What, you want me to keep
the scarf on?

I can pretend you're a snowman.

Well, you're going to need
an extra carrot,

because this isn't going to work.

I'm sure once I grab those lumps
of coal everything will be fine.

Look, Lucy, perhaps I should go
back to the clinic next week,

give it another go.

You've told me that won't work.

I know, but you know what they say,

"If at first you don't
chuck seed..."

I'm not waiting any longer, Lee.

The next three days are the best
for me getting pregnant,

I've worked out the charts.

There's no guarantee you're going
to get pregnant, you know.

Well, not if you stand there with
all your clothes on, I won't.

You don't win the lottery without
buying a ticket.

Leave it another week,
you might get a rollover.

Take your trousers off, now.

This is all wrong.

We can't do it like this.

This makes me a proper dad,

and what happens when that kid
asks where he came from

and you have to say that you had
sex, in a bed, with a man?

How is that child ever going
to respect you?

Oh, God.

So how's the middleman now?

Asking for a raise.

Lucy...

Look, let's think about this.

I'm sure you can find
a better donor than me.

It's time. This is stupid.
It's pointless.

It's not going to work!

Is that right?

Holy Christ!

Are you still telling me
this won't work?

No.

In fact, I'm afraid it just has.

Sorry.

So, are you ready to try again?

I don't know if you know much
about this sort of thing, Lucy, but two minutes really isn't enough.

Look, can you just sit down
a moment?

Look at us. This is ridiculous

and I think you know it is.

Don't you think you're
jumping the gun a bit?

That's rich coming from you.

You know what I mean.
There's no need to panic,

you've got years ahead of you.

I bet Mr Right is closer
than you think

and when he has
the courage to tell you

that he wants to spend the rest
of his life with you, settle down,

have children...

you'll be pleased that you did
things in the right order.

I can't lie.

When...

what happened just happened...

I did feel quite a big
sense of relief.

Did you?

Are you seriously asking me
that question?

You know what I mean.

This isn't me, is it?

Or how I want to do things.

I still want a baby
but, like you say,

there's still time
to do it properly.

And when that time comes,
you're going to be great.

Do you really think I'll be a good
mum? I meant the sex.

Thanks.

What for?

Making me see sense.

You know, when what happened
just happened,

I think I did it subconsciously,

because I knew what you were doing
was the wrong thing.

In a way, I took the bullet.

I think you'll find
my slippers did that.

Yeah, not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

Yeah, not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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