All language subtitles for Not Going Out s07e02 Christening.eng

Yeah, not going out

Not staying in

Hanging around
With my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

Yeah

Not going out

? We are not going out. ?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, hi, Anna. Come in.

I won't stay, Lucy.

Toby and I just wanted to give
you this as a little thank-you

for babysitting Jack last night.

You're a total lifesaver.

Oh, it was nothing.

You're only upstairs and he
was fast asleep the whole time.

Which was great because
it gave me a chance

to rifle through your flat,
looking at your underwear.

I didn't really do that.

Actually, I also wanted to let you
know we're having some people round

on Saturday, just after
Jack's christening.

So apologies in
advance about the noise.

You know what it's like

when you've got delinquent
teenagers in your flat.

Blokes, eh?

They seem to be happy spending
the whole day not getting dressed.

In this internet age,
there's no need to.

You can do a supermarket
shop in the nude.

But it's still a bit unpleasant.

That's what the bloke
driving the Ocado van said.

Well, I can see you've
got your hands full.

He said THAT as well.

So I'll love you and leave you.

I'm glad he didn't say that.

Anna just popped in to tell us

about Jack's christening
party this weekend.

Oh, great. I've never been
to a baby's party before.

What's involved? Do we
have to bring a bottle?

Or breasts?

No. Anna was just warning
us about the noise.

She wasn't inviting us.

Oh.

No, of course.

You must pop in for
a quick drink, Lucy.

Great. What's the dress code?

Just...

to be dressed.

Right.

Lovely.

Well, see you Saturday, around
two. There'll be nibbles.

There'd have to be if
you're feeding a baby.

Oh, nibbles.

Bye.

Well done.
-What?

What do you mean "what"? She's our new
neighbour. We hardly know each other.

She didn't want to invite us to
her party and I don't want to go.

So don't go.
-Well, we have to go now. We're invited.

If we don't go, she'll know we
know she doesn't want us to go,

and that's why I don't want to go.

What about when the angels
spray mustard on to the gazelles?

Sorry, I just wanted
to give you an insight

into what it's like for a
man listening to a woman.

All you need to know is
that your mouth got us

an invite to a party upstairs
that I don't want to go to.

And we'll have to sort out a present.
-No, we won't.

Lee, she bought me a bottle
of really expensive champagne

for two hours' babysitting.

These people expect classy gifts.

All right, stick
a tenner in a card.

Shoving money into a
card is not acceptable.

Did my auntie's funeral
teach you nothing?

What do you think is right for a christening party
- formal or casual?

I want to make the
right impression.

He's six months old, Lucy,
I don't think he'll remember.

On the parents.

It was hard enough
choosing a present.

What did you get in the end?
-A bottle of port.

For a baby?

It's quite a common
present, actually.

You buy port now that
matures as the baby grows up.

Oh, yeah, my parents
did the same for me,

except with a hamster.

It didn't last as long, though,

just till I started walking.

Clumsy me.

Do you actually own
a pair of trousers?

If you've got it, flaunt it.

You know this Christening party
starts in a few hours, don't you?

All right, let me wake up.
I'm feeling a bit fragile.

I drank a bottle of port that I
found in the kitchen last night.

Tell me you didn't.

Well, I'm pretty sure I did.

It's the only thing that explains

this weird craving
I've got for stilton.

Lee, that was the
christening present!

You bought alcohol for a baby?

I know.

It's not for now, it's for
when the child turns 18.

Yeah, cos 18-year-olds
love port, don't they?

You should see them,
hanging round the precinct,

off their heads on
Cockburn's Special Reserve.

It's an investment.

Well, I think it's about
to show some return.

How did I know it
was for a christening?

Did the teddy bear clutching
it not give you any clues?

Oh, you can't blame the teddy bear.

It's fine, I'll pop to the
off-licence and get another bottle.

Oh, really?

That was a very rare vintage bottle
of port that I ordered online.

What do you think Bargain
Booze is going to offer us, Lee?

How do you think the baby
will feel about getting

Carlsberg Special
Brew and a Curly Wurly?

The party is in four hours.
We need something quick.

Tenner in...
-I am not giving them a tenner in a card!

I know what we should get.

A plate with a foot on it.

OK, the port was weird,
but that's just horrific.

The baby's footprint, on a plate.

There's a shop down the road
that does it while you wait.

We'll pretend we're offering to
take little Junior out for a walk

to help out. -Really? -Yeah,
it's a classic gift combination.

Like flowers and chocolates
or brandy and cigars.

Feet and crockery.

OK. But I hope it's not cheesy.

Oh, I'm sure they
wash the foot first.

I hate lying. Even if it's a white lie.
-Don't worry.

The trick with things like
this is to just tread lightly.

HE THUMPS DOOR

BABY CRIES

Oh good, they're in.

Oh, for the love of
God! Toby, get that!

Hi, Toby! -Hi,
Lucy and, er... -Lee.

Lee. You're a bit early.

I know, but we thought we'd come

to see if there's
anything we can do to help.

We thought maybe could take
Jack for a walk round the block,

you know, let you get on with things.
-Right.

Yeah, Jack will be safe with
us. We promise not to find him

a girlfriend called Jill
and take him up a hill.

Who the hell is it, Toby?

We've just got him to sleep.

Oh, it's you, Lucy.
-They're offering to take Jack for a little walk

while we're getting ready.

No. We're fine, thank you.

BABY WAILS

But, please, feel free
to take one without him.

LOUD BEEPING

That'll be the
spring rolls burning.

It's no bother, Anna.
We'd be happy to take Jack.

It might be quite handy, actually.

Yeah. I mean, what's the
worst that can happen?

We could get him circumcised
before the christening.

But we won't.

OK. A quick walk round the block.

Toby, get Jack.

Thanks, Lucy.

These are his bits and pieces.

We're going round the block,
not taking him InterRailing.

The bloody spring rolls are ruined!

Can I come with you?

Toby!

Excuse me, do you do handprints on cups?
-Yeah.

Well, you should try washing
your hands a bit better.

We actually want a
footprint on a plate.

OK. 90 quid.
-90 quid?

We said his foot on a plate,
not his kidney on a Jet Ski.

That's the price.
-We haven't got much choice, Lee.

Yes, we have. We can buy a
paper plate and a marker pen.

You pay now and collect on Tuesday.

Tuesday? But the sign
says, "While You Wait."

Yeah. While you wait till Tuesday.

But we need it now.

Is there anything we
can do to jump the queue?

We're not offering sexual favours.

Well, I am meant to be
finishing my shift in ten minutes

but I suppose I could
stay on and finish it.

For 150 quid.

All right, now I AM
offering sexual favours.

How fast can you do it?

Depends if he's really in the mood.

I'll take the print now

and you can collect the plate in an hour when it's dry.
-Deal.

Oh, hello! I'm Joanne
-Anna's friend.

Oh, yeah. Are you buying a
present for the christening?

Yeah.

What is it, a book token?

It's not that
imaginative, I'm afraid.

It's just a case of port.
-A case?

Yeah, I didn't know
what else to give him.

So you decided on gout.

We've borrowed the baby and
went for a footprint on a plate.

Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

You think so?
-Yeah! Oh, I wish I'd thought of that.

Anna will adore it.
Anyway, I'll see you later.

See. Trust in Lee,
and he will provide.

Well done.

Right, OK, you wait for the plate

and I'll get this
little fella back home.

I thought we were going to get him
circumcised before the christening?

What do you think of THIS dress?

I want something that says, "I know
I've just popped up for a drink,

"but I also realise it's a
christening, so I've made an effort."

Does it say that?

No.

What DOES it say?

It says, "I'm at a funeral

"and I am available."

Got it!
-Oh, great! Go on, then, unwrap it, let's have a proper look.

I was going to say
the same thing to you.

See? "Available."

Oh, that's great.

See, always listen
to your Uncle Lee.

It's perfect.

You reckon, do you?
-Yeah.

You don't think there's
anything... unusual about it?

No. That's more or less
how I expected it to...

Bloody hell
- it's got six toes!

God, it has as well.
-What did you do that for?

Because there was a special offer on
- buy five, get one free (!)

I didn't do it
- this is the plate they gave me.

Lee, it's got six toes on it!
Didn't you think that was odd?

Hmm, I'm pretty sure it's even.

I didn't see it. I took
it away in the wrapping.

Well, why didn't you check it before
you brought it home, you idiot?

Because I don't know "This Little
Piggy, The Extended Version".

Great. I've got to go to a
christening party in two hours

and they've messed up the present.
-Or have they?

What do you mean?

Well, the real question is,
has the baby got six toes?

No!

Well, I don't think so.

It is possible, you know.

Some people do have extra
limbs and appendages.

Yeah, in nuclear accidents
and Rolf Harris songs.

It's not unusual.

No, that's Tom Jones.

Go back to the shop and ask that
man if the baby had six toes.

He was finishing his shift, remember?
There'll be someone else there now.

What if we remove a toe?

That's barbaric!

From the plate.

No. Because if we remove a toe and it
turns out the baby HAS got six toes,

that'll be even MORE offensive.

I don't know why you're
both going on about his toes,

when you've both missed a
much, much bigger problem.

What?

Oh, no, sorry, that IS how you
spell Jack, isn't it? Sorry.

Look, just play safe
and get something else.

Oh, but we can't get him
something else, can we?

Why?
-Because you, the man who got us invited in the first place,

also told her close friend Joanne

that we'd bought a
plate with a foot on it.

If she tells Anna and we
don't hand a plate over,

Anna will know we saw the extra
toe and were embarrassed about it,

and that will make
things even more awkward.

I know!
-What?

Let's kill Joanne.

You know, this exact
thing happened to me once.

This EXACT thing?

Well, almost.

Except it wasn't a christening,
it was a drive-thru McDonald's.

And it wasn't six toes on a plate,

it was a Honda Civic.

So how is it the same thing?

Because they were
a Greek couple too.

These people aren't Greek.

Oh, right, well, I suppose
it's not really the same, then.

Look, the question is,

is it a mistake at the shop
or has this kid got six toes?

Have the parents not
said anything to you?

No. But then maybe
they've not mentioned it

because they're
embarrassed about it.

In which case, putting it
on a plate would be awful.

Well, then, it's simple, isn't it?

We have to find out whether
this baby's got six toes or not.

And how are we going to do that?

Google Earth.

Where are you going?

Lee!

Lee, you can't just
knock on their door

and say, "Has your child got
any genetic abnormalities?"

All right, we'll sing it.

Lucy, I'm not an idiot.

We're not just going to
come straight out and say it.

We do it subtly. You
know me, softly-softly.

HE THUMPS DOOR

Lee and Lucy, you're early.

Again.

We thought we'd come round again

and see if there's anything
else we can do to, er, help?

We're fine now. I'd invite you in

but it's chaos in here.
-Oh, don't worry about us, we don't mind.

Oh, look there he is
- the little prince.

Yes, but fast asleep. So...
-Right.

Likes his milk, does he?

Yes.

So, no problems with, er...

lactose.

No. Milk's fine.

I'd love to have kids.

It'd be great, wouldn't it
- playing games with them?

Do you ever play games
with this little one?

Well, he's only six months old,

so Scrabble's a bit one-sided.

Oh, get him to play Lee.

What about pontoon?
-Sorry?

Well, you know, they learn to
count very early on now, don't they?

Some even to, er...

21.

He can't count at all.

Of course he can't.

He's just a beautiful,
normal healthy baby.

Right?

Exactly.

He's perfect.

Isn't he?

100%.

101%.

Well, it's lovely to see
you, as always, but...

Good swimmer, is he?

We haven't really had a
chance to take him swimming.

He's too busy with
the rock climbing.

It's very hot in
there. In that blanket.

Maybe you should unwrap him?

No, no, he's fine. We like
to make sure he's warm.

Yeah, but it's very
toastie in here.

It's not like he's
going to get frostbite.

And even if he did... You know?

Look, I'm sorry, I
don't mean to be rude

but we've got a lot on our plate.

Oh, I know THAT feeling.

PHONE RINGS

One moment.

What are you doing?

The answer to our problem
is under that blanket.

I'm going to take a
peep while he's asleep.

What if he wakes up?

YOU never do.

Well?
-He's wearing socks.

Well, take them off. Quickly.

Stop pulling! It's an
all-in-one suit, you idiot.

BABY CRIES

What the hell's going
on? Where's Toby?

Your phone rang. I think
it woke the baby, actually.

Probably some inconsiderate,
idiotic buffoon. -It's your mum.

Give him some more milk.

Hi, Mum.
-If you don't mind letting yourselves out.

Brilliant. Until now we could
have handed the plate over

and acted all casual about it, like
we hadn't even noticed the extra toe.

But now, as soon as they open it,

all this weird behaviour will make
sense and it'll be doubly awkward.

Don't blame yourself. I
feel partly responsible.

Hang on
- look at this.

You can see the foot.

One, two, three, four, five
toes. See? Problem solved.

It's a mistake at the shop.

No, it's not problem solved
because that's his right foot.

We had his left foot
done, which you can't see.

Oh, yeah. Well, then, we get
another plate done of his right foot.

What?
-You can see that the right foot is good.

It is a normal, healthy, British
foot with the right amount of toes.

We borrow the baby again, we
get the right foot on a plate,

all our problems go away.

But what if the left
foot HAS got six toes?

Well, then, they'll just assume
we never saw the left foot.

I suppose. I guess
it would be 50/50.

Exactly. Six of one,
half a dozen of the other.

DOOR OPENS
Oh, you're still here.

Well, we've got a lot to
do so if you don't mind...

BABY CRIES

Aw, little Jack there
probably recognises our voices.

What's that, little fella? Can
we take you for another walk?

Of course we can.

Actually he said, "See you later."

Don't be late. Or early.

Actually, it WOULD make sense,
us taking him for another walk.

You know, give you a chance
to do your hair and make-up.

What did you do that for?
-Because we're going to get them a new one.

And how are we going to
do that without the baby?

Because it doesn't have to be
their baby. We can use ANY baby.

Why is it when I'm in sole
charge of present-buying

I never get to the position
where I'm saying, "Use any baby"?

It's true, though, we can.
-But what if they stand the baby on the plate

and check the real
foot against the print?

No normal person would do that.

I would.
-See?

All right, even if
they don't check,

where are we going to find
a baby at such short notice?

I have a cousin.

But she lives in Canada.

And she's 24.

This is not helping. We need to go out and find a baby
- now.

Oh, what, and you think you
can just borrow someone's baby

off the street, do you?

Lucy, you are underestimating my
silver-tongued powers of persuasion.

Look, I just need to
borrow him for a minute.

I really like children's feet, and
I like eating my dinner off them.

I'm not a nutter!

What's the matter with these people?
We've been here ages, let's just go.

I've had an idea.
Lend me your purse.

Excuse me, madam. There's been
reports of a kidnapping in the area

and we need to check the identity
of this child by taking some prints.

And you think a Caffe Nero loyalty
card entitles you to do that?

Weirdo.

Look, I'll be honest with
you. I drank a bottle of port,

but it turns out it was a
kid's christening present,

so we had to get another present

and we got his footprint
done, only the print turns out

to have six toes, and we don't
know if the kid's got six toes,

and if it has, whether the parents
are embarrassed about it or not,

but we've still got to give them
the plate cos I told her best mate.

If we don't, they're going to
think we think the child's a freak,

so we need to do the other foot,
only we can't get the kid back

because the parents now
think we're a bit odd.

Do you follow?

You bought a bottle
of port for a baby?

It's a very common present!

Look, will you please just save my
life and come into this plate shop

and let me take a print of your
child's foot? I am desperate.

Let me see that ID again.

That'll do nicely, thanks.

God, what a day.

Well, you can stop
stressing because we did it.

He might have six
toes on his left foot,

but we know for a fact he's
only got five on his right.

Oh, I see, we're getting so
used to hearing about six toes,

we're now referring to
five as "only", are we?

Lee. And Lucy.

An hour late this time. It's all
or nothing with you two, isn't it?

Will you know what they say...

No, I've got nothing.

Hi, Anna. How was the service?

Well, he cried his head
off through the whole thing.

But you can't blame him -

he's been out of his routine
a lot today, what with...

one thing and another.

We, er, come bearing
gifts for the child.

He's not the baby Jesus.

Well, don't worry. I'm not a
wise man, she's not a virgin.

Too much.

You didn't need to bring a present.

No, it was no trouble whatsoever.

Could not have been
any less trouble.

I bet you're like us
-Anna buys all the presents.

I never even know what they are.

Oh, no, I can't
take all the credit.

It was Lee as well. I don't
want to tread on anyone's...

ideas.

Well, thanks. At least it
wasn't another bottle of port.

So, all's well that ends well.

For you maybe.

I hope you realise I've bought
a bottle of port, two plates,

and I gave that woman
50 quid in the street.

I am down �400 now
because of all this.

I'll pay you back as soon as I've
sold the rights to the script.

How do you mean?

Well, if Daniel Day-Lewis
can turn his left foot

into a 90-minute story, I bet we
can get a miniseries out of this.

I hope they can't tell
it's not Jack's foot.

Of course they won't. They'll
love it. They'll be hanging it

on their wall before you can say,

"Eeny, meeny, miny,
miny, miny, miny moe."

It's just got five dainty
little toes, just like this.

Oh, we were just
admiring the photo.

He really is a beautiful
little thing, isn't he?

Not so little now.

That's not Jack. That's
actually me, when I was a baby.

What?

We assumed it was Jack.

That's what everybody
says. Peas in a pod.

As babies, we're
practically identical.

Apart from one thing, of course.

Apart from what thing?

Surely you know.

I thought everyone knew.

We don't know.

Especially with you spending
so much time with him.

Do you really not know?

Is it that the baby doesn't like

keeping people in
unnecessary suspense?

Jack's got six toes.

Is it just on the one foot?

Six on each foot.

Holy shit.

I mean...

Whatever.

He's perfect.

We often joke about it.

Is it lucky, like a
four-leafed clover?

Or is it unlucky?

Like a six... toed... foot?

Can we have our present back, please?
-Sorry?

And can we take Jack out for
a little walk around the block?

You know, just to
the shops and back.

No.
-Anna, Lee and Lucy didn't know about Jack's toes.

Um, no, no, they DID know about it.

They've got you a lovely
plate with Jack's footprint on.

Oh!

That explains why you
took him out this morning!

Yes. -What have I always said, Anna?

Six toes is nothing
to be ashamed of.

And what a lovely
way to show it, too.

Absolutely. Oh, Toby,
isn't this a wonderful gift?

Oh, it really isn't.

No, Lee's right.

Let's take it back and get
something else, you know,

let's get something good.

Um, what's a good present, Lee?

Port?

Yes, port. Wouldn't
port have been great?

Don't be silly. It's perfect.

People get so weird
about Jack's toes.

Like they're something to be
hidden away and not talked about.

Putting them on a plate is
a really nice way of saying,

"Hey, he's beautiful in his own way
and we're not awkward about this."

But it can't get
you pissed like port.

You know what, we're
going to open this now.

SHE SQUEAKS

We were going to wait
till people had left,

but I think this present
deserves to be seen by everyone.

Can I have your
attention, everyone?

This is Lucy and
Lee, our neighbours.

Our friends.

Our friends.

And they've got Jack
a very special present,

which we would like to share with
you all on this, our special day.

Say something.

But before you open it, Anna, I
just would like to say a few words.

Earlier, Toby said to me, when
it comes to choosing gifts,

it's always the women
that buys the presents.

Well, I'd just like to say, Toby,

you were absolutely right!

This present is all down
to this wonderful lady.

Wait!

Before you open it...

No. Nothing again.

Sorry.

I got confused.

My friend Daisy told
me you were Greek.

BABY CRIES

You know what the worst part is?
There's a baby up there with 12 toes

and I never got a
chance to see them.

Oh, that's the worst part, is it?

Well, at least you managed to
avoid them seeing the plate.

And we managed to slip a tenner
in the card before we left.

"We"?

All right, now you're �410 down.

I'll never be able to
look them in the eye again.

Me neither. I'll be too busy
looking at their baby's feet.

Anyway, I've got some good news
for you. You know that I said

that last night I got a bit drunk
and finished off all that port?

Yeah, funny enough I do
sort of remember that.

Well, it turns out it
wasn't the port at all -

it was the sherry left
over from Christmas.

What?

I never touched the port.
Look, it's still here, unopened.

Where are you going? -Well, all this
present-choosing has given me an idea.

What? -I'm going to put the shape
of your face on a frying pan.

Yeah, not going out

Not staying in

Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

Yeah, not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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