All language subtitles for Not Going Out s07e01 Mugging.eng

We're not going out

We're not staying in

Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

But there is no need
to scream and shout

We're not going out

We are not going out

I can't believe
that you sat through

the whole of that
film whilst knitting.

I like to keep my hands busy during a film
- it helps me relax.

I used that excuse when I
was watching Basic Instinct,

but they still threw me out.

So what did you think of it?

Well, it wouldn't
have been my choice.

It was French with subtitles.
-So?

So, I'm supposed to be watching
a film, not reading a book.

I mean, when I'm choosing a book,

I don't go for one with
just loads of pictures in it.

Yes, you do.

I'll hail a cab.

Hang on, it's a nice evening.

Maybe, we could... walk back.

Veux-tu promenader avec moi?

Oui, le petit poison
est sur la table.

Pourquoi pas?

Apres tout, c'est un soir d'ete chaud
et le clair de lune est magnifique.

Oui... le petit poison
est sur la table.

Come on then, let's do
it. It's a nice night.

Pain au chocolate.

Are you sure this is the right way?

Why don't these
places ever have signs?

Well, there's a number to ring here
if you want hard action tonight.

Well, that's not very helpful.

I know, how are you supposed
to get a signal down here?

Uh-oh.

Don't worry, they're just kids.

When I was their age, I
was always hanging around

underground places like this.

You're from the north. You
were probably down a pit.

Come on, let's just go another way.

Don't be silly. You're with
me. I know how to handle myself.

Please, no more of the
Basic Instinct story.

Thing to do is walk through
here like you own the place.

You certainly look like a man
who owns a subway full of urine.

Oh. That was pretty
good, wasn't it?

I'd be surprised if Len Goodman
doesn't give us a seven for that.

Sorry, can't let you
through the tunnel

without paying the tunnel tax.
-The what? -The tunnel tax.

You want to go through,
then you got to pay.

Come on, Lee, we'll
go a different way.

Well, you see the thing is
you're already in the tunnel,

so you're going to
have to pay the tax.

Have you ever thought
of working for Ryanair?

Look, we don't have any money.

So what's in the bag then?
-Nothing. Just some knitting.

That's all right. We love a
bit of knitting don't we, lads?

I thought they warned you
lot about sharing needles.

There, see?

I'm only messing
with you, sweetheart.

Go on, put knitting away.
I'll take the whole bag.

Hey! Give it back!

Don't worry, Lucy,
I'll deal with this,

and don't try to stop me.

You're not going to. Right...

Oi! Get back here!

I'm going to do you a favour, Lee.

You want to look like the
big man in front of your wife?

She's not my wife.
-Whatever, your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend either.

All right, some random
woman that you're banging.

All right, let's go with that.

So here's your chance
to be the big man.

I'll fight you for the bag.

Yeah, because nothing says
raw, unfettered masculinity

like two men fighting
over a handbag.

Your choice...Lee.

That's not fair. I
don't know your name.

They call me Razorblade.

Oh, that was my mother's name.

Well, Jeannette... the
best a man can get.

They call me Razorblade
because I know how to use one.

Well, that'll come in handy
when you reach puberty.

What did you say?
-Nothing.

You're lucky!
-Why am I lucky?

Well, because you have won
a free handbag. Well done.

I think you're right, Lucy,
maybe we should go the other way.

Well, usually the chances of
recovering property in these

circumstances are slim, but you
say your bag contained a tracker.

What kind exactly?

Chocolate chip.

I see. So, can you
describe this gang?

Er yeah, there was about five of them.
-There were three.

Was there? I didn't notice.

I was too busy
tackling the ringleader.

What makes you think
he was the ringleader?

Because he had a top hat
and he was carrying a whip,

and he was stood on
the back of a horse.

He was armed with a whip?

No, there was no weapon.
-No weapon.

Hang on, he could have head
butted me. There's your weapon.

OK, I'll make a note of
that. "Suspect had a head."

So, can you describe
this ringleader?

Er, yeah, same as the others.
White, about 19 years old...

More like 15.
-Well, he was at least 16 or 17.

So, why did you say he was 19?

Cos by the time you arrest
him he probably will be.

Sir, you have to be as accurate
as possible in your description.

It doesn't help us
if you over dramatise.

I'm not over dramatising.

Height?
-About 6' 7".

I'd say about 5' 8".

Well, he looked taller
than that from where I was.

Where were you, on your knees?

Yes, I was in a dark underpass,

in front of a young man carrying
a handbag and I was on my knees.

So, we've got three to five
white boys, between 15 and 19,

from 5' 8" to 6' 7".

Well, I'll just pop off and arrest
One Direction and we're sorted.

Are you sure you're
not a strip-a-gram?

Well, we'll do our best
and we'll be in touch.

Sorry? Why aren't you going out
now and arresting these people?

Well, your description
is a little vague, sir,

and we don't prioritise
knitting thieves.

Well, you should. They
might be following a pattern.

You're up and out early.

I popped out to buy something.
-What? -Nothing really.

I just felt bad about you
having your handbag taken

so I thought, until you get
round to replacing it with one

you really like, you
can at least use this.

So, how are you feeling?

Well, I'm still quite angry but
there's nothing we can do, I suppose.

Yeah, I think we should just
forget about it and move on.

Yeah. Although it's hard,

especially when someone who should
help turns out to be useless.

Pardon? -The
policewoman. -Right.

You know, someone who should be
there to make you feel protected,

but doesn't come up with the goods.

Police again, right?
-Yeah.

And to top it all off, I wake up
this morning to find somebody left

the freezer door open last night
and all the food has defrosted.

Bloody police.

So, is that all you're annoyed
about? Me leaving the freezer open?

Yeah.
-Good.

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

I came as soon as I heard.
You must be feeling terrible!

She's fine.
-Yeah, I know she's fine. I mean you.

Being humiliated like that
and all those people knowing.

What people?
-Oh, sorry. I might have told a few people.

Well, it's a shame I
wasn't with you, Lucy.

I would have seen them off.
-Yeah, right (!)

Have I never told you about the
time I was mugged at a cashpoint?

Well, there he was demanding
I take money out of my account,

and in the panic I forgot my PIN.

God, what happened?

Well, luckily I
remembered it just in time,

pulled it out of my hair and
stabbed him in the throat with it.

Thanks, Beatrix Potter, but
I preferred your old stuff.

If you want my advice, Lucy, you should tool up.
-Tool up?

Yeah, you can see off a criminal
by spraying them with pepper.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work,
you can sprinkle them with Parmesan.

All right, Lee. It's
all good mocking,

but at least she's trying to help.
-Oh, I see.

Daisy, can I have little talk with Lucy?
-Yeah, that's fine.

Alone.
-Oh.

Just say it.
-Say what?

You know what. The elephant in the room.
-What elephant?

Or has he been nicked as well?

First a bag, now a trunk.

All right, I'll go first. I
think what happened was my fault

and I think you think that, too.
-No, I don't.

Yes, you do. You're angry
because I did nothing.

No, I'm not. You did
everything you could.

Oh, I see. So you don't think
I'm not capable of defending you?

Oh, Lee, I didn't say that.

I think you're perfectly
capable of defending me.

Oh, right. So, you think I'm
capable of defending you -

I just didn't bother.

Lee, let it go. I don't
think anything bad about you.

It wasn't all your fault.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What do you mean it wasn't ALL
fault? It wasn't my fault at all!

Well, you just said it was!

I just said that to get the
truth out of you and it worked.

I wish these powers I had over
women worked in other departments!

I just meant that another
person might have dealt with

the situation a
little bit differently.

Ah, and there it is.
We got there in the end.

Euston, the eagle has landed.

It's Houston, not Euston.

Unless, of course, you were
at a falconry exhibition

at a London train station.

You think that I should toughen up.

Absolute nonsense.

Where are you going?

To the boxing gym, to do something
I should have done years ago.

You do know we've got
a shower, don't you?

You look new.

You don't.

I want some boxing
training. -Fill this in.

Well, this is a 12-month contract.

I'm only coming until
I've put some muscle on

and learnt to look after myself.

Oh. You might want the
three-year contract.

Well, don't forget
your bank details.

Can't I just pay as I go along?

Oh, no. I've seen the
likes of you before.

They usually give up after a week.

What do you reckon are the
chances of you still being here

in a year's time?

Better than yours, love.

Right, where's me trainer?

Excuse me.
-Yeah?

I want to learn how to fight.
-Why?

I had a bit of a run-in with a dodgy
character who took all my money,

but enough about your receptionist.

A friend of mine got mugged.

I want to be prepared
if it happens again.

So... when do I start sparring?

You're going nowhere near
that ring until we get you fit.

Now we're going to
be doing the lot -

abs, crunches, V-sits,
bicep curls, tricep dips...

On second thoughts, why don't you
just come and beat this guy up for me?

THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS

You been at the gym... again?

Or was it another mugging, but
this time he took your clothes?

He wouldn't need my
clothes, would he?

He's out there somewhere
knitting his own.

If you must know, yes, I
have been for a quick workout.

Nothing major today, just
a few ab-dabs, re-sits,

diddly squats, some
bi-curious and a triceratops.

All right, I don't
know right lingo,

but my trainer says
I'm making huge strides.

Well, if you can't fight, I suppose
running away is a good option.

Aren't you a bit
old for boxing, Lee?

Er, Sonny Liston was my age
when he took on Muhammad Ali.

Are you sure about that?
-All right, maybe not.

But Frank Bruno was my age
when he took on Aladdin.

Well, I think it's ridiculous.
-Look, I just don't want to stand by

and watch criminals
take advantage of you.

And now that I'm boxing,
next time I'll be ready.

I've actually got my first
sparring session tomorrow.

You can come and watch if you like.
-No, thanks.

If I want to see you dazed and
confused, I'll ask you to cook me

a hot meal without
using the kettle.

Come on, I think
you'll be impressed.

My trainer's even given me a
boxing nickname, the Radiator.

Because you bleed a lot?

No, because I radiate confidence.

And if you lay a
finger on me, you get...

A slightly warm finger.

Lee, I'm not going to stand and watch
you demonstrate your distorted view

of what a real man should be.

There are other ways you could
prove your manhood, you know.

Sorry, Lucy, no sex before a fight.

I don't think you should fight.
-I'm still not having sex with you.

Lee, seriously, please
think about what I'm saying.

All right, but just a quick one.

A real man would stop
trying to prove himself.

He'd let it go and
move on with his life.

Well, maybe I need
to prove myself first

and then I will be able
to move on with my life.

Please.

And do you then promise to
let the whole thing drop.

Yes.

OK, I'll come and watch you.
-Thanks.

And it's only fair.

I mean, after all I
came and watched you

when you were doing
those Zumba classes.

Yeah, but you weren't supposed to.

Exactly. Took a lot of effort
shimmying up that drainpipe...

especially with one hand.

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, my God!

I think you're ready for this.

No chance. I'm not doing it.

Just stay focused. You can do this.

Against her?

I want to fight a man!

You're not good
enough to fight a man.

All right, a blind man.

Anyone but her.

She's a child, for God's sake.

She can handle herself.

And don't be afraid of hitting her.

I can't hit her
- she'll phone Esther Rantzen.

Seconds out.

BELL RINGS

Come on, Lee! Tear
her bloody face off!

Don't be nervous, sweetheart.

I don't want to hit you and
you don't want to hit me.

All right, you do want to hit me.

Stop it.

Stop it!

I mean it, I'll tell your dad.

Right, I'm having you for that.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah! That's it, Lee!

Draw the bitch in, let
her think she's winning!

It's OK, Lee. It's all over.

She can't hurt you now.

Yeah, she's too young
to come in to pubs.

Yes, well spotted, she was a kid.

That's actually why I held back.

I'm getting another
drink, do you want one?

Are you sure?
-Yeah, why?

Well, it's just that you don't
usually make it past the first round.

Oh, I'm sorry. Look, you did
your best, and that's what counts.

Don't patronise me. You
think I'm a wimp, don't you?

Course I don't. That
girl was very talented.

Oh, I see. So you're not
surprised I got beaten by a girl.

I didn't say that.

I just thought you might
last a few more rounds maybe.

And there it is.

Here we go again, the hawk
has landed at Marylebone.

I've let you down again, haven't I?

Oh, for God's sake, Lee,

didn't you promise to get
over this obsession today?

Well, guess what? I'm going
to do something about it.

Where are you going?
-Never you mind.

And I'm certainly not staying here

and listening to
jokes at my expense.

Oh, no, that's not fair.

I've got one about CBeebies having
the pay-per-view rights to the fight.

Can I just do that
one before you go?

Please, Daisy, be my guest.

So, guess who's got the
pay-per-view rights to the fight?

CBeebies?

Oh, have you already heard it?

I thought I'd find you here.

What do you want?

Let's just say I'm not here
to do a shadow puppet show...

Although if I had to I could,
I'm actually pretty good at that.

I want the bag back.

And what if I say no?

Oh, don't worry, I
can be very persuasive.

Go on, then...

persuade me.

All right, I will. You
give me the bag back...

and I'll give you 100 quid.

What?

I'll come back here tomorrow
night with my landlady,

I demand the bag, you hand it over,

I slip you the money.

Am I meant to act scared? Of you?

Well, pretend I'm
something you do find scary,

like daylight or broccoli.

All right, whatever you
say. It's your money.

Tomorrow night, nine o'clock.

Oh, and just one other
thing before I go.

Woof-woof.

CLAPPING

Where've you been? I've
been worried sick about you.

I've been having a think about
what you said and you're right.

I need to forget about
what happened, move on,

stop blaming myself.
-At last.

And to help me do that,

I think I need to pay one final
visit to the scene of the crime.

Oh, you're like a dog
with a bone, aren't you?

Well, like me old Nan used to say,
"Better to be a dog with a bone,

"than a cat with a
packet of Jammy Dodgers."

What's that supposed to mean?

It meant it was time for
Nan to go into the home.

I just think if we go back there
it'll help me exorcise my demons.

"We"?

Yeah, I thought you might like to come with me.
-No chance.

I just think having
you there will give me

the confidence to face my fear.

That's right, fear. I've
decided it's not a dirty word.

Well, it is if you
say - BLEEP - fear.

I need to do this, Lucy.

OK. I'll come.

But after we've done it,
this really is the end of it.

We never talk about
it again. Understand?

Of course. And thanks.

Are you not worried we'll
run in to those lads?

No, I doubt very much
they'll be there again.

And even if they are, so what?

I know I'll always
be safe with you.

I thought I made you feel safe?

You do. This is just a
little bit of insurance.

"Say hello to my little friend."

To be fair, I have used that
line on young men in subways

and I find they do run off.

Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Oh, let's go.

No chance. No more running.

Stay here, ugly.
Things might get Lucy.

Oh, for God's sake.

What do you want?

You stole this lady's handbag.

So?

So give it back.

No.

Good. Make it look like
you're not playing along.

I said give back the handbag.

I ain't got the handbag.

Nice. What? You said
you'd have the bag.

And you said you've got 100 quid.

I have got 100 quid.

Good. That's today's tunnel
tax. Come on, 100 quid.

He hasn't got 100 quid.

So what's this then?

She's got a baseball bat, you know.
-Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

It's been a pleasure doing
business with you again.

How did you know he had �100?

Well, that will be all for today if
you'd like to be on your merry way.

I can't let you get
away with this, Lee.

It's dishonest.

We set all this up yesterday.

He said he'd bring 100 quid
if I brought you your handbag.

Where did you even get 100 quid?

It doesn't matter.

But on a completely unrelated note,
I can't pay you any rent this week.

Unbelievable.

Oh, you're just going to
walk back on your own are you?

Late at night?

Yes!

Wait for me.

How could you do that?
-What?

Lie to me. Give that criminal
more money. Put me in danger again.

You know before, you said when
we get back we should move on

and never talk about this again?

Yeah? -Can we do
that? -Oh, no, you don't.

Look, I was only trying
to get your handbag back.

No, you weren't.

You were trying to trick me
into thinking you had a backbone.

Oh, and there it is.

So, in other words,
you're saying I'm a coward.

No, Lee, not in other
words. In those exact words.

You are a great big chicken,

followed by a huge yellow plate
of wobbly jelly, all topped off

with cowardly custard and purchased
from the Scaredycat branch of Wimpy.

Well, at least I'm not
a great big knitter,

followed by a huge plate of excessive
freezer defrosted complaints,

all topped off with a massive bowl
of chocolate chip Tracker scoffing,

French film watching bullshit.

All right, it wasn't
as good as yours.

KNOCK ON DOOR

If you're looking for Muhammad
Ali, he's gone to his bedroom to

float like a butterfly
and cry like a girl.

Is that her?

Yeah.

This is my grandson, Raymond.

Raymond's got something
for you, haven't you?

Well, isn't there
something you wanted to say?

HE MUMBLES

Pardon?

I'm sorry I stole your
friend's money and your bag.

I found that all that
in Raymond's bedroom.

Luckily your address was in there.

Well, I suppose I should at
least thank you for returning...

Don't thank him! He's
a thieving little twat!

Well, I suppose at least
he was honest enough to...

Honesty didn't come in to it.

I made the little bugger come.

Well, at least he
agreed, so I suppose...

Please stop talking.

If there's anything
missing, you let me know.

Oh, come on, you little arsehole.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I forgot about your
knitting needles. Sorry.

Oh, right, so now we're doing home
visits for muggings now, are we?

You little bastard!

CRASH

Oh, yeah? Do you want some? Hey?

Wait! He wasn't... Lee, stop!

Lee! Leave him! You've
got it all wrong!

You mouthy little git, I'm going
to tunnel tax your teeth so far

down your throat. -Help!
Nan! -Oi! Get off him!

Pick on someone your
own size, you little sod!

If you ever lay a finger
on my grandson again,

I will bloody kill you!
-Argh!

Now who's the least likely to
be around this time next year?

Well, they were a lovely
family, weren't they?

I don't know whether to
report them to the police

or give their details
to The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Well, I'd steer clear of the police
given that it was you who attacked him.

I walked into the room and I thought
I saw a mugger threatening you

with a dangerous weapon.
What did you expect me to do?

On past form, start
giving him money.

Well, it's been a
lovely week, hasn't it?

I've been mugged by
a teenager, twice,

beaten up by a girl and
assaulted by a pensioner.

Some people pay good money
for that kind of humiliation.

Well, I think what you
did was really brave.

It might have been a misunderstanding,
but you didn't know that.

So can you finally accept that
you're a real man and move on?

Yeah, I suppose.

Here, let me do that.

Ooh!

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